1. Subs created by: David Coleman.Copy !req
2. - Yo, pooh bear.
- We watching you, sucker.Copy !req
3. - Man, we run this bitch.
- Yeah.Copy !req
4. And when you work with your best
friend, it's not even like work.Copy !req
5. I feel the same way, bro.
When working is hard work, I stop working.Copy !req
6. You know what we should do?Copy !req
7. Come up with a catchphrase, so we can say
it when we do something cool like that.Copy !req
8. It should be, like, a
combination of our names or...Copy !req
9. - Ste-Zel.
- That's it.Copy !req
10. How did you just come up with that?Copy !req
11. - I'm black.
- Man, you are cool.Copy !req
12. Help! Help!Copy !req
13. No, no, no, no! Please, no!Copy !req
14. Ow, ow, no!Copy !req
15. Oh, my God!Copy !req
16. Get out of here! Go on! What happened here?Copy !req
17. I was just minding my business when
this moose sexually assaulted me.Copy !req
18. I'm gonna report this to the
National Park service, congress.Copy !req
19. I'll sue your...Copy !req
20. What are you doing?
No, no, no, no. Not again, no.Copy !req
21. Now we're gonna ask you one more time.
What happened here?Copy !req
22. Nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing at all.Copy !req
23. And whose fault was it?Copy !req
24. It was mine. All my fault.Copy !req
25. You were asking for it, weren't you?Copy !req
26. Walking around dressed like a whore.Copy !req
27. - Ain't that right?
- Whatever you say.Copy !req
28. I should have never worn this outfit.Copy !req
29. Good answer.Copy !req
30. Ste-Zel.Copy !req
31. Brickleberry 1x05
Race Off
Original Air Date on October 23, 2012Copy !req
32. Brickleberry...Copy !req
33. What's the emergency?Copy !req
34. Woody hasn't used the siren in years.Copy !req
35. It's got to be something major.Copy !req
36. It better be. I was having a good dream.Copy !req
37. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
38. Oh, my God. I had the same dream.Copy !req
39. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
40. Ste-Zel.Copy !req
41. Condition red armageddon shitstorm, people.Copy !req
42. The Secretary of the Interior is coming
for a surprise inspection today!Copy !req
43. Actually, it's not a surprise.
I put it on his calendar six months ago.Copy !req
44. Did you write "check calendar"
on the goddamn calendar?Copy !req
45. - Yes.
- Oh, you did, huh?Copy !req
46. Okay, we only got a few hours to
get this crap hole into shapeCopy !req
47. before Sanders gets here.
Ladies, sweep the Park for dead animals.Copy !req
48. Sanders? You don't mean
Kirk Sanders, do you?Copy !req
49. Yeah, yeah. Kirk Sanders.Copy !req
50. Ah!Copy !req
51. Now that's a go-get-'em attitude.Copy !req
52. Steve, I want you to start a forest fire.Copy !req
53. I'll do it without question, Sir.Copy !req
54. Quick question. Why am I doing this?Copy !req
55. Because, stupid, when I put
the fire out, I'll be a hero.Copy !req
56. I'll get a promotion.Copy !req
57. Or at least get some of
those war crimes expunged.Copy !req
58. - Yo, Woody, what's my job?
- Since when do you want a job?Copy !req
59. If this place shuts down, I don't get paid.Copy !req
60. I didn't want to tax you, Denzel.Copy !req
61. Just smile and try to be articulate.Copy !req
62. - What do you mean "articulate"?
- I'm sorry. Way over your head.Copy !req
63. It means well-spoken.Copy !req
64. I know what it means, you ignorant bastard.Copy !req
65. I want something important to do.
I'll be in charge of starting that fire.Copy !req
66. Okay, okay.
I'm sure you can do the job, Denzel.Copy !req
67. - Sorry if I was racially insensitive.
- Thank you.Copy !req
68. Of course you're qualified to start fires.Copy !req
69. How else would he celebrate
an NBA championship?Copy !req
70. Ah! Wood-Loy!Copy !req
71. Man, screw those guys.Copy !req
72. I don't burn things because
my teams win championships.Copy !req
73. I do it for the insurance money.Copy !req
74. Oh, my God. A real black man.Copy !req
75. I hope it's not too much to ask,Copy !req
76. but I'd consider it an honor if you'd
bitch slap me as hard as you can.Copy !req
77. What? Get yo ass out of here.Copy !req
78. Denzel, that's rude.Copy !req
79. "Bitch slap. " That's offensive.Copy !req
80. I should slap that bitch.Copy !req
81. Steve, you have no idea what's it like to
be the only black person for miles around.Copy !req
82. Everyone staring at me,
like I'm a criminal!Copy !req
83. What? I don't see what you're so mad at.Copy !req
84. So people enjoy looking at you.Copy !req
85. You're, like, a...Copy !req
86. - Like a monkey in the zoo?
- Exactly, you're like a monkey in the zoo.Copy !req
87. Perfect analogy.Copy !req
88. Do you know how racist that is?Copy !req
89. Racist? Come on.
We both know there's no racism anymore.Copy !req
90. It ended the day Martin Luther
King landed on the moon.Copy !req
91. Man, you don't know what
you're talking about.Copy !req
92. I would love to be black
in today's society.Copy !req
93. You set all the trends, and
you get to say the "N" word.Copy !req
94. You have no idea how many times
I've wanted to say the "N" word.Copy !req
95. You know what, Steve?
I need some time away from your dumb ass.Copy !req
96. - Wait. You're not mad at me, are you?
- Oh, no. I'm not mad.Copy !req
97. Okay, now you're sending mixed signals.Copy !req
98. Uh, have you noticed this Park has
more dead animals than live animals?Copy !req
99. It might have something
to do with this... tree.Copy !req
100. Woody let them install it so he
could get free text messaging.Copy !req
101. Good-bye, endangered friend.Copy !req
102. So, Connie, have you been taking your meds?Copy !req
103. Because I noticed you went a little
more bat-shit crazy than usualCopy !req
104. when Woody mentioned
the name Kirk Sanders.Copy !req
105. Kirk Sanders! Ah!Copy !req
106. Mm, mm-hmm. Like that.Copy !req
107. There's something about me you don't know.Copy !req
108. Before I came to Brickleberry, I
was trained to be a Navy Seal.Copy !req
109. Sanders was my C.O.Copy !req
110. I was actually really good at it.Copy !req
111. But Sanders discovered my weakness.Copy !req
112. And he used it against me.Copy !req
113. Holy Jesus.Copy !req
114. What is that? What the (Bleep) Is that?Copy !req
115. Sir, a four-course
Thanksgiving dinner, Sir.Copy !req
116. Why did you hide an entire Thanksgiving
dinner in your footlocker?Copy !req
117. Sir, I eat when I get nervous, Sir.Copy !req
118. So you like Thanksgiving dinner?Copy !req
119. Well, from now on, you will be
eating Thanksgiving dinner 24/7!Copy !req
120. All the weight I gained sort
of affected my performance.Copy !req
121. These men are dead because of you!Copy !req
122. Now eat! They paid for it. You eat it.Copy !req
123. And I've had a slight
weight problem ever since.Copy !req
124. That man ruined my life.Copy !req
125. Oh, your life's not so bad. You work here.Copy !req
126. This should go up nice and quick. Whoosh!Copy !req
127. Hey, Denzel.
I just want to apologize for earlier.Copy !req
128. I don't know what it's like to
be in your shoes. We okay now?Copy !req
129. - Yeah, we cool.
- Oh, and I got you this.Copy !req
130. It's a pimp cup. It seemed weird
that you didn't already have one.Copy !req
131. - You did not just give me a pimp cup.
- What? You don't like it?Copy !req
132. Yeah, of course I like it.
But that's beside the point.Copy !req
133. To your right, Mr.
Secretary of the Interior,Copy !req
134. you'll see that the
mountains are still there.Copy !req
135. - Feel free to count them.
- Hmm.Copy !req
136. Does that bear have a pilot's license?Copy !req
137. No, but don't worry.
I'm not as drunk as he is.Copy !req
138. Ooh, a fire.Copy !req
139. Can you believe the luck?
Hold onto your hat. This might be heroic.Copy !req
140. Just have to hit the water drop button.Copy !req
141. Poom!Copy !req
142. - That was the fuel dump button!
- Whoops.Copy !req
143. You think all black people
walk around with pimp cups?Copy !req
144. - I thought you were smarter than that.
- That's unfair!Copy !req
145. What have I ever done to make you
think I'm smarter than that?Copy !req
146. - Wait, is that gas?
- You're right. Holy cow!Copy !req
147. It's raining gas. We're gonna be rich!Copy !req
148. Ste-Zel.Copy !req
149. Man. What happened?Copy !req
150. Just relax now. You've both suffered
fourth- and fifth-degree burns.Copy !req
151. You did very well in surgery,
but I'm afraid thereCopy !req
152. was a teensy, tiny mistake
with the skin grafts.Copy !req
153. Mistake? Wait, wait, wait.
What kind of mistake?Copy !req
154. I went ahead and took 3% off your bill.Copy !req
155. Whenever you're ready.Copy !req
156. White? Why the hell am I white?Copy !req
157. Hey, honest mix-up.
You were both burnt to a crisp.Copy !req
158. We knew that one of you
was African-American,Copy !req
159. and your friend was the
one holding the pimp cup.Copy !req
160. That was all the evidence we needed.Copy !req
161. Isn't this great, Denzel?Copy !req
162. I get a chance to experience
life the way you do,Copy !req
163. and you get to discover how
lame it is to be white.Copy !req
164. I already know it's lame
to be white, Steve!Copy !req
165. Ah, from now on, I'm black Steve.Copy !req
166. - I'm not gonna call you black Steve.
- Ah, you just did.Copy !req
167. - Holler.
- Ugh.Copy !req
168. Doc, look. You got to get me back into
some beautiful black skin, right now.Copy !req
169. Ooh, smallish problem. We're all out.Copy !req
170. Your friend, black Steve, is very fat.Copy !req
171. Aw, man, I can't be white.
Anything but white.Copy !req
172. Tell you what, I've got a roll of
Mexican I've been trying to get rid of.Copy !req
173. No, no, no. White is fine. Thank you.Copy !req
174. As any numb nuts can see, the cause
of the fire was not natural.Copy !req
175. I'm certain we are dealing with
something far more sinister.Copy !req
176. Arson.Copy !req
177. What kind of depraved monster
would do something like this?Copy !req
178. Hmm, for some reason, I have
the feeling he has a mustache.Copy !req
179. Most arsonists have a mustache.Copy !req
180. Mustache? Arsonist?Copy !req
181. Very funny, Malloy.Copy !req
182. You little bastard.Copy !req
183. My hand to heaven, whoever's behind
this is gonna get the chair!Copy !req
184. Hey! I know you.Copy !req
185. - No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.Copy !req
186. You are that man hooker in
Hanoi that I went down on.Copy !req
187. That's right.
I'm a male prostitute from Hanoi.Copy !req
188. - Thanks for going down on me.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
189. Woo, you put on a couple pounds,
didn't you, Phuong Kim?Copy !req
190. Wait. You're not vietnamese.Copy !req
191. Now I remember you!Copy !req
192. You are that waste of space
that washed out of my program.Copy !req
193. I knew that you would wind up
in a garbage dump like this.Copy !req
194. Who's the nerd?Copy !req
195. Malloy, I know he looks like a lame,
white douche, but it's Denzel.Copy !req
196. Hey, no matter what color
I am on the outside,Copy !req
197. on the inside, I'll always
be a dignified black man.Copy !req
198. That makes two of us.Copy !req
199. - What's up, niggers?
- What? Niggers?Copy !req
200. Oh, hell no.Copy !req
201. You ain't allowed to say our
word, you white bread cracker.Copy !req
202. See, Denzel, when Steve says
it, it's empowering and cool,Copy !req
203. when we say it, it's a slur.Copy !req
204. We? Are you crazy? I'm black!Copy !req
205. - No, not really.
- Not so much.Copy !req
206. - You watch your mouth, white boy.
- Hey!Copy !req
207. See? Don't make black
Steve have to pop off!Copy !req
208. Stop talking like that.Copy !req
209. - Back up, back up! Back that ass up!
- Fellas! We don't need a race riot here.Copy !req
210. But if we have one, I'd
like you to know right nowCopy !req
211. that I'm siding with the blacks.Copy !req
212. I'm sure baby powder over here didn't
mean anything by it, black Steve.Copy !req
213. Stop calling him black Steve!Copy !req
214. You need to be cool like menthol's,
relaxed like Jheri Curl, baby.Copy !req
215. Listen, Woodrow, black
Steve's gots to bounce.Copy !req
216. I need to adjust to the
dubious ramifications,Copy !req
217. of my unexpected color-ification.Copy !req
218. - Malloy, translation.
- He wants the day off because he's black.Copy !req
219. - Sounds fair.
- A day off sounds like a good idea.Copy !req
220. I think I need some
counseling or some shit.Copy !req
221. Denied! You've got work to do, Snowflake.Copy !req
222. Aw, man. This sucks.Copy !req
223. Huh. We need to get you a new look.Copy !req
224. Jive turkey.Copy !req
225. Word up.Copy !req
226. Hmm, how about a retro look?Copy !req
227. Swing low...Copy !req
228. Sweet chariot...Copy !req
229. Hmm. I like it, but I need
a style that's all my own.Copy !req
230. That's it.Copy !req
231. Wow. Who are you?Copy !req
232. - Black Steve, baby.
- Do you mind if I touch your hair?Copy !req
233. Not at all.Copy !req
234. See, Denzel! There's no racism.Copy !req
235. - These people love me.
- You look dumb as hell.Copy !req
236. Well, might as well embrace my new culture.Copy !req
237. Bikram yoga.Copy !req
238. Babybjorn.Copy !req
239. Arcade Fire.Copy !req
240. Gluten-free.Copy !req
241. Ah!Copy !req
242. Bro, you forgot your...Copy !req
243. Caramel Macchiato.Copy !req
244. I can't take being white!
I got to get back to my roots.Copy !req
245. Nah, look out! He's gonna grab you!Copy !req
246. Hey, reading rainbow!
Don't let them put you on that slave ship!Copy !req
247. - What are you two doing?
- And let the nagging begin.Copy !req
248. I don't nag. I'm sick and tired
of you saying that I nag.Copy !req
249. Oh, great. Now I sound like a nag.Copy !req
250. - More like a bitch.
- Will you pipe down?Copy !req
251. I'm trying to spy on Sanders.Copy !req
252. He's got the arson evidence in his cabin.Copy !req
253. Good. I hope that pathetic dickhole fries.Copy !req
254. I am the dickhole who ordered that fire!Copy !req
255. - Mm-hmm. That changes nothing.
- Hey, this affects you too, Ethel.Copy !req
256. If the FBI traces it back
to Denzel and Steve,Copy !req
257. all three of us would go up the
river and you'll be out of a job.Copy !req
258. I'll be homeless.Copy !req
259. Steve will be getting
sodomized in the (Bleep)Hole.Copy !req
260. Oddly, that's a push.Copy !req
261. I need to steal that evidence.Copy !req
262. But Sanders is a pro.
Only a ninja could get past him.Copy !req
263. Yeah, I know. Too bad Denzel's white now.Copy !req
264. I said "ninja."Copy !req
265. We don't have a ninja, but
we do have a Navy Seal.Copy !req
266. I won't do it.Copy !req
267. Oh, so I guess you don't
want to keep your job.Copy !req
268. Eh.Copy !req
269. Don't you want to keep Woody out of jail?Copy !req
270. Stupid question.Copy !req
271. Connie, think about it, this is the
Seal mission you never got to perform.Copy !req
272. You'll finally have the chance to prove
to him that you do have what it takes.Copy !req
273. Prove to who? Kirk Sanders?Copy !req
274. Kirk Sanders?Copy !req
275. I love doing that to her.Copy !req
276. Black Steve, you're my hero.
Look over here, black Steve.Copy !req
277. Yoo-hoo, black Steve.Copy !req
278. What seems to be the problem, bacon grease?Copy !req
279. Your brake lights are out
and your tags are expired.Copy !req
280. - And?
- Look, I'm almost done with my shift.Copy !req
281. I'm just gonna let you off with a warning.Copy !req
282. A warning? Oh, I see how it is.Copy !req
283. A black man can't get a ticket, huh?Copy !req
284. Denzel was right. Racism is real.Copy !req
285. Well, Whitey just pissed
off the wrong brother.Copy !req
286. Ass-salami steak 'ums, my brothers,
this morning, I was a black man,Copy !req
287. but now, I'm an angry black man.Copy !req
288. I was the victim of police
discrimination and humiliation.Copy !req
289. They refused to give me a ticket
because of the color of my skin.Copy !req
290. I'm confused by your message.Copy !req
291. - I can't believe people are buying this.
- Well, I'm lost.Copy !req
292. First you were mad that Steve
didn't think there was racism,Copy !req
293. now you're mad that he does.Copy !req
294. He got off with a warning.Copy !req
295. Take it easy, egg white.Copy !req
296. - We need to support black Steve.
- Man, whatever.Copy !req
297. I said to myself, "black Steve,
it's time to take a stand."Copy !req
298. Like when Harriet Tubman
blew up the challenger.Copy !req
299. - All right. All right.
- Ah, my longtime friend, Denzel.Copy !req
300. I'm not your friend. I hate you.Copy !req
301. This man does not represent the black race!Copy !req
302. What does he know about the black race?
He's not even black.Copy !req
303. I am black, bitch!Copy !req
304. Take your hands off me, you white devil!Copy !req
305. Well Connie, it's go time. Now get psyched.Copy !req
306. - Hooyah, hooyah, hooyah!
- Ow! You broke my goddamn nose!Copy !req
307. Warning. I only got a warning.Copy !req
308. Let's break down that word.Copy !req
309. Warn... to give notice,
advice, or intimidation!Copy !req
310. Ing.Copy !req
311. I do not know what "ing" means, but
if I had to guess, I'd say it meansCopy !req
312. "(bleep) Black people!"Copy !req
313. Man, I am sick of that race-baiting idiot.Copy !req
314. Now, Denzel, we need to put
ourselves in his shoes.Copy !req
315. - We don't know his struggles.
- He's only been black for a week.Copy !req
316. It might have been a tough week.
We don't know.Copy !req
317. Wow, you guys are tolerant.
Maybe I misjudged this town.Copy !req
318. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just because we talk like Morons,Copy !req
319. don't mean we ain't got a nuanced
understanding of social justice.Copy !req
320. Personally, I always thought this
town could use a few more synagogues.Copy !req
321. All right, I get it, but black
Steve don't bother you at all?Copy !req
322. I can relate to his message.Copy !req
323. We didn't land on Fraggle Rock,
Fraggle Rock landed on us.Copy !req
324. Aw, man.Copy !req
325. There's got to be a way
to teach Steve a lesson.Copy !req
326. That's it. Hey, guys.Copy !req
327. You want to help me play
a joke on my friend?Copy !req
328. What kind of joke?Copy !req
329. Man, come on now.
Don't y'all have white sheets?Copy !req
330. That was a white sheet.Copy !req
331. I'm a bit of a bed wetter.Copy !req
332. Ugh.Copy !req
333. All right, guys. Now look.
We're not gonna hurt him.Copy !req
334. We'll just give him a good scare, okay?Copy !req
335. Yee-haw!Copy !req
336. Ow, ow, ow, ow! Come on, boys.Copy !req
337. We gonna catch us a black Steve.Copy !req
338. Yee-haw!Copy !req
339. Where ya headed boy?Copy !req
340. I'm off to the square
glasses and bow tie store.Copy !req
341. - Get him!
- Unhand me at once!Copy !req
342. - Who are you?
- We the KKK, bitch.Copy !req
343. Triple "K"? I thought you guys just
provided emergency road services.Copy !req
344. Ah!Copy !req
345. You can do this, Connie.Copy !req
346. Thank you, Ethel. Kiss for good luck?Copy !req
347. No.Copy !req
348. Fingerblast?Copy !req
349. Okay, I'm going.Copy !req
350. I did it. Take that, Sanders.Copy !req
351. What's going on? This thing is supposed
to be able to hoist a Sherman tank.Copy !req
352. Uh-oh, Ethel. I shouldn't have
eaten those deviled eggs.Copy !req
353. What?Copy !req
354. What the... aah! Mustard gas!Copy !req
355. Ethel! Help!Copy !req
356. Well, what do we have here?
A flying humpback whale?Copy !req
357. I'm not flying.Copy !req
358. So trying to pull a cover-up, are you?Copy !req
359. You are way out of your league,
you disgusting fat-ass!Copy !req
360. Whoa. Whoa.Copy !req
361. Whoa.Copy !req
362. You will never amount to anything.Copy !req
363. Because you are a fat piece of...Copy !req
364. Shiii...!Copy !req
365. Oh...Copy !req
366. Oh, Jesus! He's dead.Copy !req
367. You know what this means?Copy !req
368. I completed a mission.
I can be a Navy Seal.Copy !req
369. - No fingerblast, Connie.
- Aw.Copy !req
370. - What are you gonna do to me?
- Oh, I think you know.Copy !req
371. Oh, God. Being black isn't
so much fun anymore.Copy !req
372. That's right. It's not all pimp cups
and bitches is it, black Steve?Copy !req
373. Up here's a clearing.
It's the perfect spot for a...Copy !req
374. Klan rally!Copy !req
375. Oh, shit.Copy !req
376. Hey, brothers. Welcome.
Better late than never.Copy !req
377. I love the new outfits. Very 2012.Copy !req
378. Oh, you know what?
We left our giant rebel flag in the truck.Copy !req
379. Oh, we got extras.
Looks like you brought us a present.Copy !req
380. Oh, my God.Copy !req
381. Is that black Steve Williams,
the civil rights leader?Copy !req
382. You guys are all right. Grab him.Copy !req
383. Wait, everybody.
Are you sure you want to do this?Copy !req
384. Absolutely. Any last words?Copy !req
385. I just have a message
for my friend, Denzel.Copy !req
386. I just want to say I'm sorry.Copy !req
387. Now, ho... ho... ho... ho... hold on.
I can't remember all that.Copy !req
388. Somebody get me an ink pen.Copy !req
389. All right. Start over.Copy !req
390. I'm sorry about...Copy !req
391. "I'm sorry about..."Copy !req
392. "Forgive me, I love you, see you in hell".Copy !req
393. Blah, blah, blah. Close enough.
Let's kill him.Copy !req
394. - Stop right there!
- Denzel?Copy !req
395. That man right there is white.Copy !req
396. There was a surgical mix-up.Copy !req
397. I am the black man.Copy !req
398. - He's what?
- My goodness.Copy !req
399. You mean we almost hung a white
man because he has black skin?Copy !req
400. Color really is only skin deep.
It doesn't mean anything.Copy !req
401. Aw, man, that's great. You serious?Copy !req
402. Hell no. Hang 'em both!Copy !req
403. Looks like this is it, bro.
At least we're going out together.Copy !req
404. Ste-Zel to the end.Copy !req
405. I feel the same way, brother, but I
don't care much for your KKK friends.Copy !req
406. Ready? On three. One, two...Copy !req
407. Hold on.Copy !req
408. It's raining gas, boys!Copy !req
409. We're gonna be rich!Copy !req
410. Ah, damn it, I meant to
hit the body dump button!Copy !req
411. Ah, here we go. Poom!Copy !req
412. Ah, it's gonna be great being black again.Copy !req
413. And although I'll be white Steve,
I won't be the same Steve.Copy !req
414. I'll be more mature and sensitive.Copy !req
415. Well, friends, there's
something I need to tell you.Copy !req
416. - We both Mexican, ain't we?
- How'd you guess?Copy !req
417. Andale, andale! A-yi, yi, yi, yi, ya!Copy !req
418. Would you like to buy some oranges?Copy !req