1. All right, rangers, we have got a problem.Copy !req
2. Do you know what this is?Copy !req
3. 2009 Baja Red.Copy !req
4. Playful on the nose,
very dry on the palate,Copy !req
5. hints of Eucalyptus, Stone
Fruits, and Kalamata Olives.Copy !req
6. What? No, it's marijuana.Copy !req
7. God, I figured if anyone would
know, it would be you, Denzel.Copy !req
8. Why? Because all black men love weed?Copy !req
9. No, because you love weed.
Look at your shirt.Copy !req
10. Ho, that's right!
Who don't like smokin' up?Copy !req
11. Uh, I don't because I'm not in the
sixth grade, and I have shit to do.Copy !req
12. I confiscated this from a dirty hippie
50 feet from this ranger station.Copy !req
13. Who's got an idea for how to smoke out
these dope growin' draft dodgers?Copy !req
14. Come on, guys, get creative.Copy !req
15. I know how we can get some inspiration.Copy !req
16. Dude. Dude. Dude.
We have to build a rocket...Copy !req
17. To spy on the hippies
from outer space, man.Copy !req
18. Yeah! But the rocket's gotta be shaped
like a big, hairy dinosaur dick!Copy !req
19. With giant, purple pterodactyl wings.Copy !req
20. A hairy dinosaur dick with wings?Copy !req
21. That is brilliant!Copy !req
22. We'll swoop down and
laser gun the bastards!Copy !req
23. - Yeah!
- That's it!Copy !req
24. I love weed.Copy !req
25. Connie! Call NASA.Copy !req
26. We need a Jurassic (Bleep) rocket
and a shitload more Funyuns.Copy !req
27. We're dead. I can't feel my face.Copy !req
28. I think we're dead.
I've got bugs all over me!Copy !req
29. Great, we just wasted twelve hours,Copy !req
30. and the only decent idea
we had was attacking themCopy !req
31. with a genetically engineered cat robot.Copy !req
32. I still think it can work.Copy !req
33. Choo, choo! Ch-ch-choo!Copy !req
34. No, I'm calling in the Feds.Copy !req
35. Why? Denzel and I can
take these hippies down.Copy !req
36. Besides, I always wanted
to be an undercover cop.Copy !req
37. - Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh...
- Get off of me!Copy !req
38. Now, the DEA is gonna handle this.Copy !req
39. You're way too stupid! And as for Denzel...Copy !req
40. It's all good.
I don't wanna be no undercover cop.Copy !req
41. You don't? But it's so cool!Copy !req
42. Hey, could you two idiots
play good cop, black copCopy !req
43. on your own time? I'm calling the DEA.Copy !req
44. - Malloy! What are you doing?
- Phone sex.Copy !req
45. What's it look like, you crazy,
co-dependent (Bleep) sucker?Copy !req
46. Whoa! Malloy, that's even mean for you.Copy !req
47. Not as mean as your mom
for getting pregnantCopy !req
48. by backing up to a glory
hole in a waffle house.Copy !req
49. What are you laughing at, you (Bleep)?Copy !req
50. Nice try trying to sneak outta
here, you dump truck with tits.Copy !req
51. My God, Malloy. What is happening to you?Copy !req
52. Lately, you've been incredibly mean,Copy !req
53. and you've been humping...
Ohh, he's (Bleeping) my lunch!Copy !req
54. You can eat this in a minute.Copy !req
55. Now, stick your finger in
my butt, so I can finish.Copy !req
56. Ethel, can we talk?Copy !req
57. - Sorry, that's my stomach.
- Connie, are you okay?Copy !req
58. Yeah, I'm having a little
bit of a cash flow problem.Copy !req
59. Haven't eaten in a week.
Can I borrow some money?Copy !req
60. For food? Of course.Copy !req
61. No, silly, for my telephone psychic.Copy !req
62. I call her all the time.
She's very expensive.Copy !req
63. Connie, I am not loaning you money to
throw away on some stupid psychic.Copy !req
64. I thought you were my friend, Ethel.Copy !req
65. Oh, Connie.Copy !req
66. Now, that one was my vagina.Copy !req
67. Welcome, gentlemen.Copy !req
68. I'm your point man here, Special Detective
Ranger enforcer Steve Williams.Copy !req
69. I'm prepared to handle any
sort of secret combatCopy !req
70. or spying mission you require of me.Copy !req
71. Yes, um, Special Detective Williams.Copy !req
72. You're just the man we want to see.Copy !req
73. - I am?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
74. We got a job for you.Copy !req
75. Denzel! The Feds are on the groundCopy !req
76. for less than five minutes, and I
already landed a key transport mission!Copy !req
77. You're carrying their luggage, dumb ass.Copy !req
78. I heard Robocop had to do the
same thing on his first day.Copy !req
79. You don't wanna become a cop.
Trust me, Steve.Copy !req
80. The Jackson family's always been cops.Copy !req
81. My father, cop. His father, cop.Copy !req
82. His father, cop.Copy !req
83. His father, slave.Copy !req
84. But he really didn't have a choice.Copy !req
85. Wow, that's a lot of cops.
Why didn't you become one too?Copy !req
86. Because they all got their asses
killed in the line of duty.Copy !req
87. It's just a bunch of pot-growing hippies.Copy !req
88. It would be so easy to just go...Copy !req
89. Oh, that's disturbing.Copy !req
90. Malloy, stop humping the duffel bag!Copy !req
91. It's a valise, you peasant.Copy !req
92. Don't you snap at me!Copy !req
93. What's wrong with him?Copy !req
94. It's normal, Woody. It's puberty.Copy !req
95. His testicles are producing large amounts
of testosterone, hence the mood swings.Copy !req
96. He'll be full-grown practically overnight.Copy !req
97. No, I don't want that!Copy !req
98. There's got to be some way to stop this.Copy !req
99. Aw! Where am I?Copy !req
100. Oh, remember, honey?Copy !req
101. Daddy took you to the vet to get your...
Teeth cleaned?Copy !req
102. My balls are killing me!Copy !req
103. Eh, they look all right.Copy !req
104. You had me neutered?Copy !req
105. Hey, you won't be mean anymore.Copy !req
106. Plus, you'll be forever young,
just like Dick Clark.Copy !req
107. Steve, I'm starting to think you lied to meCopy !req
108. about there being an
amusement park out here.Copy !req
109. Why are you so suspicious?Copy !req
110. Well, for one, I never heard of
no Six Flags over Brickleberry.Copy !req
111. And for two, we are clearly
following those undercover agents.Copy !req
112. They are really going to
appreciate us getting their backsCopy !req
113. during their top-secret undercover meeting.Copy !req
114. What? Steve, I told you I
don't want no part of this.Copy !req
115. Oh, great, look who it is.Copy !req
116. Our favorite tree cops,
doofus and dick-breath.Copy !req
117. Yeah, piss off.Copy !req
118. If we see any fish or trees
jaywalking, we'll let you know.Copy !req
119. You do that. Affirmative. 10-4.Copy !req
120. Here's our chance to do something police-y.Copy !req
121. Hold it! Stay clear of
that shed over there.Copy !req
122. My two DEA buddies are about to bust some
marijuana farmers, and they are tough...Copy !req
123. So tough that they aren't even
wearing bulletproof vests.Copy !req
124. Thank you. You have been very helpful.Copy !req
125. Hmm... Something must've tipped him off.Copy !req
126. Steve, we gotta get outta here!Copy !req
127. My name is Nikolai.Copy !req
128. You two must be our new
growers from California.Copy !req
129. Actually, there's been a huge misunder...Copy !req
130. Yeah, we're the new
growers from California!Copy !req
131. - Say what?
- What is your name, my friend?Copy !req
132. Uh...Copy !req
133. I'm...Copy !req
134. - Mario?
- Mario what?Copy !req
135. - Brothers?
- Mario Brothers?Copy !req
136. - Then who's this?
- Oh! That's Ted...Copy !req
137. Tris.Copy !req
138. Ted Tris? And Mario Brothers?Copy !req
139. Welcome to the Russian marijuana cartel!Copy !req
140. Tell me a little bit about
yourself Mario Brothers.Copy !req
141. I'm a plumber, and I've got
a brother named Luigi.Copy !req
142. I've also had a bad history with
this fire-breathing turtle.Copy !req
143. What the hell are you talking about, Steve?Copy !req
144. I see that I'm the only one
that worked on my back story.Copy !req
145. As you can see, our crops are suffering.Copy !req
146. Last grower did a terrible job.
Sadly, he passed away.Copy !req
147. From what?Copy !req
148. From me shooting him
multiple times in the brain.Copy !req
149. That's not funny.Copy !req
150. But that should not be problem for you two.Copy !req
151. All you need to do is to make
these sick, near-death plantsCopy !req
152. flourish like they've
never flourished before.Copy !req
153. You have one week.Copy !req
154. Uh, hypothetically, what if the
plants need a extra day or two?Copy !req
155. That's fine. As long as you
don't mind getting, eh...Copy !req
156. How you say? Punched in the kisser?Copy !req
157. Punched in the kisser?
Woo, that don't sound so bad.Copy !req
158. In Russia, punch means stab
and kisser means anus hole.Copy !req
159. A whole week? Heh! Weeks are for pussies.Copy !req
160. - We can do it by tomorrow.
- Okay, Mr. Brothers.Copy !req
161. Plants grow by tomorrow, or you die.Copy !req
162. Good luck!Copy !req
163. We've got him right where we want him.Copy !req
164. You stupid dumb ass!Copy !req
165. How could you promise we
could turn this schwagCopy !req
166. into bomb-diggity chronic by tomorrow?Copy !req
167. Look at this big-ass field.
It's nothing but seeds and stems.Copy !req
168. Don't you know how to grow this stuff?Copy !req
169. Steve, I don't grow this shit.
I smoke this shit!Copy !req
170. Well, not to worry.Copy !req
171. Your pal Mario's got two green thumbs.Copy !req
172. Three, if you count my penis.Copy !req
173. I should probably get to a hospital.Copy !req
174. Stupid Woody trying to change me.Copy !req
175. I don't need bear beans to be Malloy.Copy !req
176. Woody, you know how fat you are?Copy !req
177. Uh... About...Copy !req
178. Average for an American man your age.Copy !req
179. Ethel, you look lovely.Copy !req
180. What the hell am I saying?Copy !req
181. Connie, the dyke store called...Copy !req
182. And they've apologized...Copy !req
183. For their very offensive name.Copy !req
184. Grow! Grow, damn you, grow!Copy !req
185. Or do you want this to happen to you?Copy !req
186. They don't even respond to threats.Copy !req
187. We dead. I knew it.Copy !req
188. Wait a minute. I remember something.Copy !req
189. His testicles are producing
large amounts of testosterone.Copy !req
190. He'll be full-grown practically overnight.Copy !req
191. - Overnight. Overnight.
- That's it!Copy !req
192. Steve, have you lost your goddamn mind?Copy !req
193. This is your plan? Bear ball juice?Copy !req
194. It's testosterone.Copy !req
195. - Didn't you see my thought bubble?
- Man, I'm getting outta here.Copy !req
196. White people do some (Bleeped) up shit.Copy !req
197. Connie? What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
198. You wouldn't loan me money, and
I needed to call my psychic,Copy !req
199. so I'm selling this hot ass.Copy !req
200. Eh, how's that been going for ya?Copy !req
201. Not bad.Copy !req
202. Most people speed up.Copy !req
203. One guy swerved to hit
me, and a couple huntersCopy !req
204. shot at me because they
thought I was a bison.Copy !req
205. I tell you what.Copy !req
206. Here's a number for a new psychic named...Copy !req
207. Madam Ethlia. Uh, Etheliola.Copy !req
208. - Eth... Ethelopia.
- Madam Ethelia?Copy !req
209. Sure, whatever.
She's the best, and she's totally free.Copy !req
210. Hot dog. I'm gonna call her right now.Copy !req
211. A-a-all right. See ya, Connie.Copy !req
212. - Hello?
- Madam Ethelia?Copy !req
213. - My name is Connie.
- Oh, Connie, yes, I know.Copy !req
214. I was expecting your call.Copy !req
215. Expecting my call? Wow, you are psychic.Copy !req
216. Hop on in!Copy !req
217. I have always wanted to
have sex with a bison.Copy !req
218. Uh...Copy !req
219. Man, I hate Mother Nature.Copy !req
220. Why'd she have to make all these trees
and scary spiders and animals and shit?Copy !req
221. They're coming for me!Copy !req
222. No. Just need to stay calm.Copy !req
223. I bet this would help squash my paranoia.Copy !req
224. - Hey, son.
- Pops?Copy !req
225. - Damn, this is some good shit.
- I'm proud of you, boy.Copy !req
226. - You finally an undercover cop.
- I don't wanna be!Copy !req
227. Some bad dude's about to kill me.Copy !req
228. - What should I do?
- Just do what I always did.Copy !req
229. Don't fake no funk, don't jiggity-jive,Copy !req
230. and if they give you the
smack-'em-whack-'em,Copy !req
231. you dipsy-doodle them cats right back.Copy !req
232. - What?
- Shit, boy.Copy !req
233. You best get with it.Copy !req
234. I gotta stop smokin' weed.Copy !req
235. Ooh, there's the road!Copy !req
236. - Oh, man.
- Morning, Ted Tris!Copy !req
237. So excited to see how you make plants grow.Copy !req
238. Get in car, or I shoot you.Copy !req
239. Hoo, whew! I'm tired.Copy !req
240. Oh, boy, I'm gonna just rest here.
You go ahead. I'll catch up.Copy !req
241. You're black and funny like the Urkel.Copy !req
242. Oh, well. Can you at least cut my
throat before you stab my asshole?Copy !req
243. Big enough for ya?Copy !req
244. You are super, Mario Brothers!Copy !req
245. Mario, you are genius. Brilliant.Copy !req
246. You are my number one guy.Copy !req
247. Tell me... Anyone disrespect you?Copy !req
248. No, no, no, no. Not at all.Copy !req
249. Eh, well, earlier, I sneezed, and
Ivan didn't say "bless you."Copy !req
250. That... That doesn't...Copy !req
251. Holy shit!Copy !req
252. And now I have no son.Copy !req
253. That was your son?Copy !req
254. Oh, my God. You must really like me.Copy !req
255. Keep this up, and you will be a made man.Copy !req
256. Really? That's even cooler than being
an undercover cop... Not that I am one.Copy !req
257. Now, what do you comrades need?
Nothing is too good for you.Copy !req
258. Aw, we're simple men. We don't need much.Copy !req
259. Steve, this undercover stuff has been fun,Copy !req
260. but I'm a little worried
we're getting in too deep.Copy !req
261. Don't be ridiculous.Copy !req
262. Uh, gentlemen, your lunch as requested...Copy !req
263. An endangered white tiger
carcass full of crunch berries.Copy !req
264. I told you to take out all the blue ones!Copy !req
265. You know, Steve, we aren't
actually doing any police work.Copy !req
266. What do you mean?Copy !req
267. We've sacrificed everything to eliminate
the evil scourge that is drugs.Copy !req
268. Now, come on, let's do some blow and relax.Copy !req
269. Doc.Copy !req
270. Is it possible to reattach
a pair of testicles?Copy !req
271. No.Copy !req
272. That's what a licensed doctor would say.Copy !req
273. But lucky for you, I have an unhealthy
obsession with experimental medicine.Copy !req
274. Bring me your gonads, and I'll
be happy to reattach them.Copy !req
275. Heck, for the right price, I'd
even sew a dick to your forehead.Copy !req
276. - Hola.
- Hi, Madame Ethelia.Copy !req
277. Will I find true love?Copy !req
278. Hola.Copy !req
279. What's next month's $5 footlong gonna be?Copy !req
280. Why do my pits smell like fried chicken?Copy !req
281. How many fingers am I holding up?Copy !req
282. When will the robots take over?Copy !req
283. - Ah! Stop!
- Oh, Ethel, please.Copy !req
284. If you keep screaming, we'll
never find my car keys.Copy !req
285. Woody, that pot farm is
bigger than we thought.Copy !req
286. It's run by the Russian Cartel.Copy !req
287. I've infiltrated the organization,Copy !req
288. and they're inducting me into
their inner circle tonight.Copy !req
289. Wow, Steve, I'm impressed.
Did you gather any evidence?Copy !req
290. Of course I did.Copy !req
291. I am Nikolai. I am a bad man.Copy !req
292. I grow drugs. Then I sell them.Copy !req
293. That's you on the tape, Steve.Copy !req
294. Duh, it's a reenactment. I wasn't gonna
take a recorder in there. They'd kill me.Copy !req
295. Well, congratulations, Steve.Copy !req
296. You're the stupidest son of a
bitch in the history of Earth.Copy !req
297. I don't have to take this.Copy !req
298. I'm going back to the cartel for good.Copy !req
299. They respect me and think I'm a genius!Copy !req
300. Hey, genius.Copy !req
301. You just walked into the shitter.Copy !req
302. Steve, do you know where Woody hid my
balls, I can't find them anywhere?Copy !req
303. Balls? What balls? I didn't take any balls.Copy !req
304. I didn't say you took them.
But I will say nice outfit. Looks snazzy.Copy !req
305. Did I just say snazzy? Okay. I wanna die.Copy !req
306. Come on, Denzel. Let's get back to work.Copy !req
307. Steve, I'm staying here. You should too.Copy !req
308. We're in over our heads, man.
It's not safe.Copy !req
309. I can't believe you're giving up.Copy !req
310. You are a disgrace to your family name.Copy !req
311. Jackson? I'm pretty sure I'm not
the one who disgraced that name.Copy !req
312. What is matter, Mario?Copy !req
313. Aren't you excited about initiation?Copy !req
314. Eh, my stupid boss...Copy !req
315. Er, Woody, who is not my boss
because I'm not a Park Ranger.Copy !req
316. I'm a drug manager.
Is that what we're called?Copy !req
317. This Woody, he disrespected you?Copy !req
318. - I will take care of it.
- Thank you.Copy !req
319. No "gesundheit," mama?Copy !req
320. No one in this family has manners.Copy !req
321. It's the truth, Malloy.Copy !req
322. I don't know what happened to your testes.Copy !req
323. Jeesh, I'm just as upset as you are.Copy !req
324. Oh, have you been castrated this week?
Because I have.Copy !req
325. You've played Mario
Brothers for the last time.Copy !req
326. Mario, before you're accepted
into our inner circle,Copy !req
327. you need to go through rite of passage.Copy !req
328. Sure, what is it? Swallow a goldfish?Copy !req
329. Shotgun a beer?
Jerk off a mall Santa? What?Copy !req
330. Kill this man, and you will
be cartel member for life.Copy !req
331. Best part is this is your mortal enemy.Copy !req
332. Bowser?Copy !req
333. Steve?Copy !req
334. Who is Steve?Copy !req
335. I-I don't know. Not me, that's for sure.Copy !req
336. Nobody calls Mario "Steve"!Copy !req
337. Please kill him.Copy !req
338. Ethel, you look so tired.Copy !req
339. What, do you got stuff on your mind?Copy !req
340. You should totally call madam Ethelia.Copy !req
341. I talk to her all day and all night.Copy !req
342. Connie, what if you found out that
the psychic you've been talking toCopy !req
343. wasn't a real psychic, but just a
good friend with a really great body?Copy !req
344. Hmm, let's see.Copy !req
345. I guess I'd be as crushed as I've ever beenCopy !req
346. and might even kill myself
and a few co-workers too.Copy !req
347. Hmm, okay.Copy !req
348. Well, what if she made, like, a huge
prediction and, just got it way wrong?Copy !req
349. Would that make you stop
believing in psychics?Copy !req
350. Yeah, I guess it would.Copy !req
351. Well, you should call her right now.Copy !req
352. Connie, so glad you called.
I have a big, huge prediction for you.Copy !req
353. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. What is it?Copy !req
354. Um... The morning sun
will turn black as night.Copy !req
355. All the birds will fall from the sky.Copy !req
356. Uh, also, blood will flow from...Copy !req
357. Your head and, uh...Copy !req
358. Your left, um cankle.Copy !req
359. Oh, no, not my cankle.Copy !req
360. I hope everyone's okay.
Should I do something?Copy !req
361. No. No, Denzel.
Don't wanna end up like your daddy.Copy !req
362. Oh, I see. You don't wanna end up
like the old man, pushin' up petals,Copy !req
363. - discoing with dirt?
- No, pops, I was just...Copy !req
364. What's up, boy?
You all 'fraidy like a house cat?Copy !req
365. Yes, yes! I'm 'fraidy, okay?Copy !req
366. Because I don't wanna die like you, pops.Copy !req
367. Let me tell you something, son.Copy !req
368. Them corner boys may have
iced me, but you know what?Copy !req
369. At least I went out doing the right
thing with my head held high.Copy !req
370. Slammin', blammin', whammin', jammin',
prammin', crammin', dammin', lammin'.Copy !req
371. Can you honestly say that about yourself?Copy !req
372. I can't say that at all because I don't
know what the (Bleep) you saying.Copy !req
373. Steve, please.Copy !req
374. Don't kill me.Copy !req
375. I'm sorry I called you the stupidest
son of a bitch on the planet.Copy !req
376. I'm sure there are plenty of
assholes dumber than you are!Copy !req
377. Steve, if you kill me, I'll fire you!Copy !req
378. Come on, Mario. What are you waiting for?Copy !req
379. Kill him!Copy !req
380. I'm sorry. That man's right.Copy !req
381. My name is Steve.Copy !req
382. I'm a tree cop, and proud of it.Copy !req
383. And now, I'm going to arrest all of you.Copy !req
384. Okay. How about if I only
arrest a couple of you?Copy !req
385. Stop, everyone! Or I destroy these.Copy !req
386. You bastard, you stole my fun plums!Copy !req
387. That's right. These fun plums are
the secret behind your giant weed.Copy !req
388. And if you shoot me,
you'll just be shooting...Copy !req
389. No!Copy !req
390. My cub makers!Copy !req
391. They're gone!Copy !req
392. Okay, the bear lost his cub makers.Copy !req
393. Now you die.Copy !req
394. Yo, jive turkeys!
Pimp trampy and shrimp scampi!Copy !req
395. And, uh, I don't know.Copy !req
396. Connie, how long are you
gonna stare at the sun?Copy !req
397. I am pretty sure nothing is gonna happen.Copy !req
398. Oh, no? Then what's that?Copy !req
399. Oh, my God. The sun. The birds.Copy !req
400. The blood from my head and bloated cankle.Copy !req
401. Miss Ethelia was right.Copy !req
402. I'm gonna call her every day
for the rest of my life.Copy !req
403. Oh, shit. I'm psychic.Copy !req
404. Stop! Or I'll slit his fat,
bullfrog-like throat.Copy !req
405. I don't think so.Copy !req
406. - Oh!
- Oops! Heh, sorry.Copy !req
407. There's something wrong with this gun.Copy !req
408. I warmed it up for you.Copy !req
409. I feel like hammered shit.Copy !req
410. Rest easy, boss.Copy !req
411. I'm glad everything turned out fine.Copy !req
412. Yeah, Steve. I'm sorry I doubted ya.Copy !req
413. Breaking up that Russian
Cartel took some balls.Copy !req
414. Speaking of balls, mine are killing me.Copy !req
415. What? Doc, what the hell...Copy !req
416. Where are my balls?
Where the hell are my balls?Copy !req
417. Oh, it's quite simple, Woody.
You looked dead, and I hate taking pulses.Copy !req
418. And since you are an organ donor...Copy !req
419. Payback's a bitch.Copy !req