1. Take it all in, kids.Copy !req
2. This is nature in all it's majesty.Copy !req
3. Welcome to Brickleberry.Copy !req
4. Hey kids, I'm Steve Williams.Copy !req
5. Ranger of the month here at
Brickleberry National ParkCopy !req
6. Don't say anything about
the amputee kid.Copy !req
7. Don't say anything about
the amputee kid.Copy !req
8. It's good to be here,
speaking to the nub scouts.Copy !req
9. Oh, great. Now it's awkward.Copy !req
10. That's better.Copy !req
11. Today, I'll be teaching you
how to build a campfire.Copy !req
12. Using flint and steel.Copy !req
13. Wow. That den mother is gorgeous.
I bet this will impress her.Copy !req
14. Sometimes it's a little tricky.Copy !req
15. God damn it.Copy !req
16. Okay kids, a true survivalist always
has a backup plan.Copy !req
17. There's still a little in there.Copy !req
18. Only you can prevent forest-Copy !req
19. Fire!Copy !req
20. Hold still!Copy !req
21. I'll beat the flames out.Copy !req
22. I like it.Copy !req
23. So, who do you think will be ranger
of the month this month, Denzel?Copy !req
24. Shut up Steve!Copy !req
25. We know it's always you.
No one else gives a shit.Copy !req
26. Well, I guess it is always me.Copy !req
27. The photos don't lie.Copy !req
28. - October, November, December.
- February.Copy !req
29. That's right, brother.
Black history month too.Copy !req
30. If you weren't so dumb,
I might be offended.Copy !req
31. Being ranger of the month
drives the ladies crazy.Copy !req
32. Why, just this morning,
I met this hot, young den mother.Copy !req
33. Young?
Man, old chicks is where it's at.Copy !req
34. They sweet, loyal,
and they can take out their teeth.Copy !req
35. - Are you being serious right now?
- Yeah, I'm serious.Copy !req
36. I've been in more
old white women than osteoporosis.Copy !req
37. What?Copy !req
38. Gum job, man.Copy !req
39. Malloy, I found those chocolate bars
you like, little buddy.Copy !req
40. They don't sell them around here, so,
you know, I had to drive all the way to-Copy !req
41. 70% cacao?Copy !req
42. That's weird, because I'm pretty sure
I said a minimum of 85% cacao.Copy !req
43. Well, they probably taste
the same, right? I mean...Copy !req
44. Okay, I'll just return these.Copy !req
45. - Good morning, Malloy, How are you?
- Your head is enormous.Copy !req
46. Don't forget I'm the one
who rescued youCopy !req
47. after some crazy tourist
ran over both your parents.Copy !req
48. "The key to being a safe driver-"Copy !req
49. Oh, my god!
Wait, you're both still alive!Copy !req
50. I'll go call for help.Copy !req
51. Shit.Copy !req
52. All right, rangers,
do you know what that is?Copy !req
53. - Is that the devil's penis?
- No!Copy !req
54. It's our tourism numbers this year.Copy !req
55. Our park is in a shambles.Copy !req
56. We've had everything from
freak accidents to crime waves.Copy !req
57. Last week,
a group of tourists got carjacked!Copy !req
58. I got carjacked last week too.Copy !req
59. Easy, girl.
Let the Parkinson's do the work.Copy !req
60. The point is, crime is out of control.Copy !req
61. This is a national park, not Detroit.Copy !req
62. Oh, I see.
You all want to blame the brothers.Copy !req
63. Denzel, I don't indulge
in racial profiling.Copy !req
64. We'd all be safer if you did.Copy !req
65. Don't worry. I hired a Korean convenience
store owner to follow him around.Copy !req
66. Maybe less people
in the park is a good thing.Copy !req
67. We don't want to offset
the balance of nature.Copy !req
68. Everybody point and laugh at the hippie.Copy !req
69. Man, f*** nature!Copy !req
70. Malloy, you should be out there
greeting all those tourists,Copy !req
71. 'Cause you're the cutest thing
on the planet.Copy !req
72. Malloy? We don't want him
talking to anyone.Copy !req
73. He's a dick!Copy !req
74. Even your whispers sound fat.Copy !req
75. How could you say that?Copy !req
76. Malloy does so many
thoughtful things for us.Copy !req
77. Yeah, like what?Copy !req
78. Like for starters, he made that delicious
breakfast you enjoyed this morning.Copy !req
79. And don't forget, he planned
that surprise party for Denzel.Copy !req
80. Surprise!Copy !req
81. Bottom line, if we don't get
this park in shape,Copy !req
82. they're gonna shut down Brickleberry!Copy !req
83. So, I've decided to hire someone to help
get this park back on track.Copy !req
84. - A new ranger?
- Old lady, old lady, old lady.Copy !req
85. Yes, a new ranger. She was
ranger of the month at Yellowstone.Copy !req
86. Rangers of the month?Copy !req
87. Sorry, that's my vagina growling.Copy !req
88. Well, okay, I'm really excited to-Copy !req
89. I'm really-Copy !req
90. excited-Copy !req
91. - Excited to work-
- You, you're no den mother.Copy !req
92. You were here to take my
ranger of the month title all along.Copy !req
93. That seems highly unlikely that
that's what she's here for, you moronCopy !req
94. You keep a bear cub
in the ranger station?Copy !req
95. Well, Steve brought him here,
but i raised him as my own.Copy !req
96. He's a house bear.Copy !req
97. There's no such thing as a house bear.Copy !req
98. What is he eating?Copy !req
99. This diet will take years off
his life, Woody.Copy !req
100. A bear cub's diet should consist
of berries miller moths, and grass.Copy !req
101. - Well, the new girl's annoying.
- Forgive me, Malloy. I failed you.Copy !req
102. No more junk food for you,
snuggly bear.Copy !req
103. You took away something I love.
Now I will take away something you love.Copy !req
104. Take a close look, honey, because
you'll never get to wear it.Copy !req
105. Look, I just want to help the park,Copy !req
106. and from what I've seen,
it needs a lot of help.Copy !req
107. I am not here to take anyone's medal,
or whatever that is.Copy !req
108. Sounds like Steve's afraid
of a little competition.Copy !req
109. Yeah, I could win that title.Copy !req
110. Oh, man, I'm just kidding.Copy !req
111. You crackers have fun working.
I'll be taking a nap.Copy !req
112. Come on, Tong King Pong.Copy !req
113. What? I can't fire him.Copy !req
114. We work for the government,
and he's B-L-A-C-K.Copy !req
115. No, that's okay.Copy !req
116. If you think you're man enough
to take this from me, then game on.Copy !req
117. Don't mind him. I'm Connie, by the way.Copy !req
118. Did you feel that?Copy !req
119. I think our periods just synchronized.Copy !req
120. Since I'm the top ranger here,
Woody asked if I'd show you around.Copy !req
121. Normally I don't give tours to liars.Copy !req
122. - I'm not a liar.
- That's a lie.Copy !req
123. Anyway, down there is Brickleberry Lake.Copy !req
124. Just last week, I saved a drowning man
that was knocked out by a jet ski.Copy !req
125. - Steve, come in, Steve, I got good news.
- Go ahead.Copy !req
126. That guy you hit with a jet ski decided
to forget the lawsuit.Copy !req
127. 'Course he forgets everything now
'cause of all the brain damage.Copy !req
128. Thanks for that information.Copy !req
129. How'bout a little radio silence?Copy !req
130. Hold on, Malloy wants to talk to you.Copy !req
131. - No, I don't want-
- Steve.Copy !req
132. - Steve. Steve?
- What!Copy !req
133. Remember that time you got drunk and
thought the paper shredder was a vagina?Copy !req
134. Bastard.Copy !req
135. That's better.Copy !req
136. Steve.Copy !req
137. Malloy, how's the diet going, son?Copy !req
138. I didn't like it at first,
but I feel really healthy now.Copy !req
139. That's great, little buddy.Copy !req
140. I got two large supreme pies with
melty-cheese-filled butter crusts,Copy !req
141. Three dozen wings with extra ranch,Copy !req
142. two-liter coke,
and a cup of fried chicken fat.Copy !req
143. - That'll be 42 bucks.
- How'bout a car?Copy !req
144. Sweet.Copy !req
145. Malloy!Copy !req
146. I'm ashamed of you.
This diet is for your own good.Copy !req
147. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you,
snuggly bear.Copy !req
148. You know how bad my post-traumatic
stress was before you moved in?Copy !req
149. Pull the trigger. Do it.Copy !req
150. You don't have the balls.
Your mother never loved you.Copy !req
151. Anyway, I got to get back to work.
But I already made your lunch.Copy !req
152. Where's my car?Copy !req
153. Denzel!Copy !req
154. Woody, look. I saved a hiker.Copy !req
155. He's dead, Steve.Copy !req
156. - He was alive when I found him.
- This is unacceptable, Steve.Copy !req
157. You know what I'm gonna do?Copy !req
158. I'm gonna take away one
of your gold stars.Copy !req
159. No!Copy !req
160. I saw a bright light.Copy !req
161. Friggin' show-off.Copy !req
162. Good work, Ethel. You get one star
for saving that man's life.Copy !req
163. And one star because you have
a nice body and a okay face.Copy !req
164. Okay face?Copy !req
165. Minus, one star for attitude.Copy !req
166. She's still kicking your ass, Steve.Copy !req
167. - Well, how many stars do you have?
- Woody, give me 3 stars!Copy !req
168. Affirmative action.Copy !req
169. Technically, that's not affirmative action.
It's more like star welfare.Copy !req
170. Well, I guess I underestimated you.Copy !req
171. Not anymore. I'm going to destroy you.Copy !req
172. Listen, I didn't want
your stupid little medal.Copy !req
173. But now, I'm going to take it
just because I can.Copy !req
174. - I'm Connie, by the way.
- We already met.Copy !req
175. I'm drowning, help!Copy !req
176. Help!Copy !req
177. Can I see some I.D. please, honey?Copy !req
178. I don't think this is you.Copy !req
179. It is shocking that someone
with your instincts is working here.Copy !req
180. He robbed me! He robbed me!Copy !req
181. Oh, lord!Copy !req
182. No!Copy !req
183. Oh, God.Copy !req
184. Seriously?Copy !req
185. Oh, a cheeto.Copy !req
186. Oh, that actually had a happy ending.Copy !req
187. What the hell
do you thing you're doing?Copy !req
188. The order came in.
We're putting up this hot ranger.Copy !req
189. And taking down this ad for
The Rosie O'Donnell Show.Copy !req
190. - Come on.
- Looking for this?Copy !req
191. Come on in, man, I got tater chips,
candy, moon pies, whatever you want!Copy !req
192. You're not gonna rape me, are you?Copy !req
193. Do I look like a rapist to you?Copy !req
194. You look like exactly like a rapist.Copy !req
195. Oh, just 'cause I'm a redneck,
I'm a rapist?Copy !req
196. I'm a big, bad rapist.Copy !req
197. I guess that explains why I got
this duct tape and chloroform, right?Copy !req
198. You're really not helping your case.Copy !req
199. No, no, no, you think I'm a rapist.Copy !req
200. It's a good thing I got
this court order mandatingCopy !req
201. that I stay 50 yards away from young'uns
and small animals.Copy !req
202. With my name on it right there.Copy !req
203. - Okay, I better be getting back.
- Did I mention I have chocolate?Copy !req
204. Well, maybe I can come in for a minute.Copy !req
205. - Holy shit.
- What are you doing in Ethel's cabin?Copy !req
206. I'm... wait. What are you doing
in the Ethel's cabin?Copy !req
207. Stalking her.Copy !req
208. I'm here for the pillow fight.Copy !req
209. What the hell?Copy !req
210. Oh, my God, that was close.Copy !req
211. But it's so awesome,
we have something in common.Copy !req
212. - What?
- We both like Ethel.Copy !req
213. Hold on. You'll love this.Copy !req
214. I call it my sniffy box.
Check it out.Copy !req
215. - You want a hit?
- You know... it's getting kind of late.Copy !req
216. Okay. Well, come by any time
you want to talk about Ethel.Copy !req
217. I think she's perfect.Copy !req
218. Well, except for the fact
that she's an alcoholic.Copy !req
219. She's a what?Copy !req
220. It says it right here in her diary.Copy !req
221. She's a bad drunk too.Copy !req
222. That's why she was fired
from Yellowstone.Copy !req
223. This is a tree, and I've had 11 abortions.Copy !req
224. What? Oops.Copy !req
225. What do you want?Copy !req
226. Look, we got off on the wrong foot.Copy !req
227. I came over to bury the hatchet
and say congratulations.Copy !req
228. It looks like we've got
a new top ranger.Copy !req
229. Let's celebrate!Copy !req
230. - I don't drink.
- Me neither.Copy !req
231. This is non-alcoholic vodka.Copy !req
232. You know what?
I don't want to celebrate with you.Copy !req
233. Ever since you found out that
I'm actually good at my job,Copy !req
234. You've been a total jerk to me.Copy !req
235. Well, I'll just leave the bottle so
you can celebrate by yourself.Copy !req
236. God damn it.Copy !req
237. Connie, when does Ethel start her period?Copy !req
238. In 3 hours, 12 minutes and 22 seconds.
Why?Copy !req
239. - Are you okay?
- Go away.Copy !req
240. Look, I shouldn't have been
so hard on you.Copy !req
241. I know it must be tough
having a new ranger like me around.Copy !req
242. I'm willing to forgive and forget.Copy !req
243. How'bout another hug?Copy !req
244. You know what?
I want to get this hug just right.Copy !req
245. - Steve, you're being silly-
- Hug me, bitch!Copy !req
246. To Brickleberry.Copy !req
247. Where the hell am I?Copy !req
248. Where the s that waffle house,
shit-breath?Copy !req
249. Ethel?Copy !req
250. Hey, I'd kick a baby in his face
for some hash browns.Copy !req
251. - Ethel?
- Shut up, agent lips.Copy !req
252. This car is goes fast!Copy !req
253. Ethel, we're not in a car!Copy !req
254. Lock out!Copy !req
255. I'm sorry. You don't like my driving.
Then why don't you...Copy !req
256. I don't know how to fly a chopper!Copy !req
257. Hey, get out of the fast lane,
you stupid mountain.Copy !req
258. Ay, Santa Maria, I'm never going to
finish trimming these hedges.Copy !req
259. - May I take your order?
- Get a pen, Skank.Copy !req
260. I want a large...Copy !req
261. - Can you repeat that?
- I said I want a large...Copy !req
262. Thank you, drive around.Copy !req
263. I can't believe Woody fired you just
for killing all those orphansCopy !req
264. and a Colombian landscaper.Copy !req
265. I don't know what happened.Copy !req
266. It was like I was drunk,
but all I had was that coffee.Copy !req
267. Yeah, that is weird.
I thought all landscapers were Mexican.Copy !req
268. Look, Ethel, I'm sorry things
turned out like this.Copy !req
269. I'm actually kind of sad to see you go.Copy !req
270. Oh, it's nice to hear you say that.
Maybe...Copy !req
271. Oh, your cab's here.Copy !req
272. Steve! Where the hell have you been?
Malloy is missing.Copy !req
273. Denzel and I have been searching
the forest all morning.Copy !req
274. Wait, Denzel went into the forest?Copy !req
275. Yeah, he wasn't much help.Copy !req
276. Malloy! Malloy!Copy !req
277. - Why is that pipe moving?
- That's a snake.Copy !req
278. Yo, why those telephone poles so hairy?Copy !req
279. Those are trees. Jesus...Copy !req
280. Oh, shit! There's a flying mailbox.Copy !req
281. That's an owl, you idiot.Copy !req
282. You and Ethel need to get out there
and find Malloy now.Copy !req
283. Actually, you fired Ethel this morning.Copy !req
284. Ethel!Copy !req
285. Why did you let me do
a stupid thing like that,Copy !req
286. You dumb son of a bitch? She's the only
one of us that can track animals.Copy !req
287. You get Ethel back and find Malloy!Copy !req
288. I'm not getting her back.Copy !req
289. I'm the one that got her fir-got-
I just said good-bye to her.Copy !req
290. Oh, yeah? Well, you get her back
or you're fired.Copy !req
291. - And you can say good-bye to this.
- That's not fair!Copy !req
292. Well, neither is male breast cancer.Copy !req
293. Man, this is awesome.Copy !req
294. Listen, I'm sorry
I assumed you were a rapist.Copy !req
295. No problem.Copy !req
296. Boy, I am stuffed.Copy !req
297. You'bout to be.Copy !req
298. - I can't let you do that, Ethel.
- What the hell are you doing here, Steve?Copy !req
299. We need you at the park.
Malloy is missing.Copy !req
300. I don't work there anymore.Copy !req
301. And I think that I've earned this.Copy !req
302. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
303. The truth is I need you, Ethel.Copy !req
304. I can't do this without you.Copy !req
305. - You shot me!
- And this is hard to admit,Copy !req
306. But you're twice the ranger that I am.Copy !req
307. I feel really cold and
lightheaded right now.Copy !req
308. You just love talking about
yourself, don't you?Copy !req
309. "Cold and lightheaded."
You're not even listening to me!Copy !req
310. Come on! Get in the car.Copy !req
311. The footprints end here.Copy !req
312. Oh, well, that sucks.
Gave it our best shot.Copy !req
313. That means he must be inside,
you idiot. Come on.Copy !req
314. Malloy!Copy !req
315. - Oh, thank god you're all right.
- Do I look all right?Copy !req
316. Because of if I do,Copy !req
317. that means you didn't notice
there's a man inside of me.Copy !req
318. Holy shit, more company!
Come on in, y'all.Copy !req
319. - I got plenty of chocolate.
- You are in big trouble, buddy.Copy !req
320. You're gonna spend the next 3 days
picking up litter.Copy !req
321. - That's it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
322. Same-sex bear molestation is just
a misdemeanor.Copy !req
323. I'm so glad everything
turned out okay.Copy !req
324. No, everything turned out fine.
Except for the part where I was raped.Copy !req
325. Well, Ethel, looks like
you get your job back.Copy !req
326. Who gives a shit? I got raped.Copy !req
327. Uh-uh. Steve, I guess you deserve
to keep this for a while.Copy !req
328. You know what?Copy !req
329. I think it's time for a change.Copy !req
330. Looks even better on this side.Copy !req
331. - It's like a whole different shirt now.
- You're an asshole, you know that?Copy !req
332. She thinks I'm an asshole now.Copy !req
333. She doesn't even know that
I spiked her coffee.Copy !req
334. Good think I'll never tell a soul. It...Copy !req
335. Wait a minute.
Am I thinking this or saying this?Copy !req
336. - You spiked my coffee?
- Oops.Copy !req
337. Only you can prevent big vats of acid.Copy !req
338. I love it.Copy !req