Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 5x9

Directed by

Grant O'Brien as Grant Anthony O'Brien • Lily Du as Clark Fart • Brennan Lee Mulligan as 50 • Tao Yang as Superman

Brennan, Lily, and Tao return with another in-depth report on Grant.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - From West Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team that doesn't know

3. what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

5. This is,

6. Breaking News.

7. - Good evening. And welcome to Breaking News.

8. The show where we don't know what we're about to say,

9. and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.

10. My name's Clark Fart.

11. - And I'm Grant Anthony O'Brien,

12. which is my actual, first, middle and last name.

13. - That's right!

14. Which means it's time for everyone's favorite segment.

15. "True Facts about Grant".

16. Which, it must be stressed, are not jokes,

17. and are just real true actual facts

18. about everybody's favorite unverified bitch.

19. - Can I,

20. first say,

21. before I start reading on this teleprompter,

22. this last one that we did

23. is the first thing that comes up when you Google me.

24. (audience laughs) It's like

25. Grant Anthony O'Brien is in the name

26. and the video it's so it's-

27. people keep like bringing up shit from that-

28. All right.

29. - Well maybe this one will now be

30. the first one when you Google.

31. - Oh, great.

32. I love this segment.

33. - Really?

34. Are you sure you want this?

35. We can always not do this.

36. - No, I definitely want this

37. because I'm a slimy little slug

38. who likes to roll around in salts.

39. - Oh yeah, bitch? (audience laughs)

40. Is the dirty little cuck ready to have his face fucked off?

41. All to provide three minutes of content

42. for diet Quibi. (Brennan laughs)

43. - Wow - Yes, daddy,

44. please make it hurt so good for me, daddy.

45. - Oh don't you worry about that bitch,

46. cuz this time daddy's going to fuck you with the lights on.

47. First things first,

48. since his mid twenties, Grant's been taking Viagra.

49. Isn't that right, you pig fuck?

50. - Yes.

51. But it's technically (Lily and Brennan laugh)

52. a cheaper off brand of Viagra called Sildenafil.

53. I buy it off an Indian website

54. and the pills arrive loose in an envelope.

55. - That can't be true.

56. - Now, maybe this is private,

57. but would you tell us why you take Viagra?

58. - No, it's not private at all.

59. I take it to help with my (Brennan laughs)

60. mountain air sickness.

61. And also because I had a little too much sex,

62. or too little therapy to get hard on my own.

63. Can I also say, can I, can I also say!

64. Fuck it, nevermind.

65. Now here to read my social

66. security number. (Grant holds back laugh)

67. Is a field reporter named after the amount

68. of people I performed oral sex on, in one night, in 2012.

69. - Hello,

70. I'm Fifty?

71. - In one?

72. - That can't be right.

73. - There was a party that I went to.

74. (audience laughs) - What?

75. - They had parties underneath the supermarket in Brooklyn.

76. I guess that's the end of this segment.

77. - Let's say every blow job took a minute and a half.

78. - They weren't all to completion.

79. - That is 75 minutes.

80. - Such a round, even number, 50?

81. - So when you walk in you, you, you check your clothes

82. and they write your number on your arm.

83. And then, and then.

84. Anyway, you can see everybody's number.

85. And so you know - Your-

86. how many people are in there.

87. - You're positive you blew all 50.

88. - I'm positive.

89. - Oh, he's positive.

90. In a lot of things.

91. - Did you, did you have water? Was there? I mean, fucking-

92. - Yeah there was a snack bar.

93. - Now I'm going to read out Grant's actual,

94. real social security number and we're not going to bleep it

95. because buyer fucking beware on stealing Grant's identity.

96. Yeah good luck with my credit score.

97. You'd be absorbing a level of debt that would make even

98. Bernie Sanders say, come on (Lily and Brennan laugh)

99. man, at a certain point this is your fault.

100. Anyhow! (Grant chuckles)

101. It's (long beep)

102. - How do people know that?

103. How would anyone know that?

104. - Anything else, Fifty?

105. - Yeah, I just want to say that Grant looks like

106. if you took the talented Mr. Ripley and melted him a little

107. in a microwave.

108. - Thanks Fifty. Now, Grant, be honest.

109. Do you still want to continue doing this?

110. - No!

111. Oh yes, please.

112. I'm getting close now. So close daddy.

113. Please get me there. I'm right on the edge.

114. - All right. If that's what you want,

115. but first I want you to do something for me.

116. - Yes, daddy. Whatever daddy would like.

117. - Lick the bottom of my fucking shoe.

118. - This I don't mind.

119. (Grant chuckles) Yeah- yes, daddy.

120. I love licking boots during the third act

121. of a global pandemic.

122. As long as it's not more facts about me.

123. (Grant licks shoe) - And while you do it,

124. I'm going to read out the line of your contract

125. that says exactly how much you're getting paid

126. for this SAG, new media, micro budget video.

127. - Look, I think that's more on them than anyone else.

128. (Grant continues to lick shoe) - In exchange

129. for acting services rendered, CollegeHumor agrees

130. to pay the undersigned- this is making me

131. uncomfortable. (Grant laughs)

132. To pay the undersigned Grant Anthony O'Brien a sum

133. of no more than 20% of basic agreements scale,

134. and reserves the right to use the performer's name,

135. image, likeness, and voice in perpetuity

136. (Tao gasps) throughout the universe.

137. You can't sign in perpetuity. Moving on.

138. Here's a photograph entitled, "A 2007 Facial Expression

139. that Grant Thought Would Look Sexy."

140. - Can I tell you something honestly?

141. - Wow. - Brennan's (indistinct).

142. No, can I tell you something honestly?

143. I'm right. I look great in that. Look at me.

144. I look great in that. - It's actua- that's not bad.

145. Fun fact,

146. if you look closely you can see a fine layer

147. of moisture covering my skin.

148. You know what? It was Proactiv.

149. We go now to a video of me drunk at Pride last week.

150. Holy shit!

151. I confess,

152. to being charming all the time.

153. If the gay Illuminati is watching,

154. fellas, I'm available.

155. What can I say? I really nailed,

156. I really nailed my pelvis on the bar top.

157. I can't wait

158. for the Illuminati to track me down.

159. I'll join any shit un-fucking wanted, man.

160. - That's not a performance. Compelling stuff.

161. Now here to tell a true story is another field reporter.

162. This one is named after a fictional character that Grant

163. Anthony O'Brien regularly says that he would be good

164. casting for.

165. - Hello, I'm Superman?

166. - I-

167. think,

168. - What?

169. - Okay.

170. - You know the character (Brennan laughs)

171. that Henry Cavll the strongest man

172. in the world was cast as.

173. Grant thinks they should have chosen, him?

174. - Fine. (Grant spit laughs)

175. I'll save you, but I'm not saving your dog.

176. - Anyway. Remember how Grant takes Viagra?

177. - Come on.

178. - Well, in 2015, he was on a date with a lady.

179. And while she was in the bathroom,

180. in an act of pure optimism,

181. Grant took one of his wet market Viagras.

182. The only thing was she saw him take it.

183. So when she got back to the table, she asked Grant,

184. "what pill did you just swallow?"

185. And grant said a multivitamin.

186. (Lily laughs) - And then she said,

187. can I have one?

188. And Grant said no.

189. And she thought that was kind of rude,

190. so Grant ended up going home alone with a massive,

191. completely unused, boner.

192. Is that true Grant?

193. - I mean, yes!

194. That's 100% true.

195. - Great.

196. Who says, can I have one?

197. - Am I, I'm not. Okay.

198. - It's a multivitamin.

199. - Yeah, it's a multivitamin.

200. - Well, it wasn't.

201. - Then I'll close by saying,

202. I think Grant looks like the Babadook

203. (Grant spit laughs) on a casual Friday.

204. - Well, I think he looks like if Nicholas Holt

205. was the before (Tao laughs)

206. picture in a Proactiv commercial.

207. - I told ya.

208. - Really? I think he looks like if the alien

209. from District 9 was renting desk space at a WeWork.

210. - And then I'll just add that I also have a general vibe

211. of Elmo Blatch. The guy from Shawshank Redemption

212. who actually killed Andy Dufresne's wife.

213. - Now listen, before we end this symphony of chaos and pain.

214. I just want to say one thing.

215. That Grant O'Brien is one of the sweetest, kindest,

216. best people on this planet.

217. He's loyal, he's talented.

218. And he always make time to help out a friend.

219. And one time when he was in high school, his father

220. walked into the family computer room and caught him,

221. sucking his own dick. (audience laughs)

222. And just to confirm Grant, that's true?

223. - It's more complicated than that.

224. Yes, it's very true.

225. I ha- I had my legs up over my head

226. and my swollen hog in my mouth.

227. My father and I have never spoken about it,

228. but I guess we might have to now.

229. - That's it for us here at Breaking News.

230. Normally we would announce a loser,

231. but we all know that Grant is the loser.

232. As punishment, Grant has to re-enact the position he was

233. in when his father walked in on him.

234. And,

235. Brennan you play his father.

236. Thanks for watching!

237. - This is a very well tailored suit and I don't know,

238. - Just unbuckle the pants.

239. - So anyway, it's kind of a,

240. you have to sorta, and then,

241. and what you do is you sort of walk your legs down

242. behind you on the wall.

243. So the reason it's more complicated than that,

244. is cuz you have to be by a wall so you can sorta walk

245. your legs down, - Oh

246. to, to get there. (Lily laughs)

247. - This is so real.

248. - So anyway, it was sort of like that.

249. - I love you son.

250. - I love you too Dad.

251. - Looks like you got your hog in your mouth a little bit.

252. - Oh, very little bit.

253. It was really more of a tongue than anything else.

254. - I was gonna to say,

255. even if you kind of get where you need to go,

256. is your body in a position where we can actually kind of get

257. any business done here?

258. - Yeah, you know really it's more the thought experiment

259. of it all.

260. - Yeah. Yeah, I bet,

261. I bet kiddo. - Sure.

262. Well, I'm proud of you and I hope someday you do work

263. that makes you feel proud too.