Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 5x8

Directed by

Grant O'Brien as Jungle Jim • Tao Yang as Tig Olbitties • Alfred Aquino II as Goober Tuber • Lily Du as Sproing Doingleman

Alfred hunts for a key out of the spaghetti factory. Lily sings a Danny Elfman song.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - From West Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team that doesn't know

3. what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

5. This is Breaking News.

6. - Hello and welcome to Breaking News.

7. The show where we don't know what we're about to say,

8. and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

9. I'm Jungle Jim.

10. - And I'm Tig Olbitties.

11. - Tonight, Which household product is killing you,

12. and which one is secretly delicious?

13. We've got little sippy cups of all of them,

14. and we're going to find out the only way we can,

15. peer reviewed studies.

16. - Zim zam zibbly zow.

17. Skibbidy bop doo dip dang-a-doodle.

18. No, you're having a stroke.

19. That's just a taste of a new craze called

20. "Being a fucking idiot."

21. But does it have a dark side?

22. We'll investibop skeelater with our bop a reporboo.

23. - Then, we'll talk about your teeth,

24. whether they're clean

25. and how many of you subconsciously ran your tongue

26. over your teeth just now.

27. - But first, our top story,

28. Mules!

29. Mules!

30. Mules!

31. They're everywhere these days,

32. in our homes, in our canals,

33. and even in our borax canyons?

34. Some say mules are the future,

35. offering the convenience of a donkey,

36. the rugged sex appeal of a horse.

37. but others say mules eat too many of our nation's apples

38. with their frightening Chiclet teeth?

39. One thing's for sure, too many of these sentences

40. ended with a question mark?

41. - Thank you Tig for that informative report.

42. And now, a beloved local business is closing.

43. For more, we turned to hyperlocal reporter

44. Goober Tuber.

45. Goober?

46. - Thanks, Jungle.

47. I'm here in what remains of the Bad Spaghetti Factory,

48. where for decades, hungry customers lined up

49. at the pasta valve,

50. to pump their gullets full of wet noodles.

51. Now the sauce trough is empty.

52. The Mamma-Miameter is silent and the factory is closed.

53. Standing here alone,

54. I can't help but wonder

55. why the owner locked me in,

56. and if I'll ever get out?

57. - I'm sorry, Goober.

58. You say you're locked in?

59. - That's right.

60. The former owner said the key is packed away

61. in one of these boxes, but he's not sure which one.

62. And also every box has something else in it.

63. - Something else? Like spaghetti?

64. - Spaghetti is certainly a strong possibility,

65. given what I've been talking about.

66. It would not surprise me at all

67. if at least one of these boxes

68. is just a bunch of loose spaghetti in it.

69. But Jungle, I can't stress enough,

70. there could be anything in these boxes.

71. - Hmm.

72. - Well, I guess you better find that key

73. by randomly choosing a box,

74. blindly reaching in and fishing around for a key.

75. - Thank you, Tig Olbitties,

76. that is exactly what I'll do.

77. Oh, okay.

78. Always with the, okay.

79. Box number one, baby.

80. What's in it?

81. It's a bunch of noodles, baby.

82. Okay. I'm searching for the key.

83. Ooooh.

84. It smells so bad guys.

85. Oh my God. Am I supposed to pull this up?

86. - What the fuck?

87. - Is it sticking to your fingers?

88. - It's the noodles at this place, were not good.

89. - Buca di Beppo's extra sticky noodles?

90. - Ooh, glitter noodles. Okay.

91. I can get down with this.

92. - I hate that your fingers are sticky now.

93. That makes it awful.

94. - These are sticking to my fingies now.

95. - That's so revolting to me.

96. - Oh, Grant not liking it make me like it.

97. - Yeah, I don't like it.

98. - Oh, this smells.

99. - Ooh! - Ooh!

100. - I don't know what these are, but, ooh,

101. this is, textures.

102. Wet balls.

103. - Wet balls?

104. - Wet bouncy balls.

105. - Wet bouncy balls are in this one.

106. No key here either.

107. - Now is that suppose to be a noodle like thing?

108. - Wet balls?

109. - Yeah, wet balls?

110. - Oh, I'll tell you a little something about wet balls.

111. - No.

112. - They're right next to the noodle.

113. - Okay. What even is this?

114. Oh Jesus.

115. - AstroTurf?

116. - Oh, this is a little puzzle.

117. - Ooh no.

118. Save it for Grant.

119. He's gonna fuck it later.

120. - Honestly, you liking it. Made me like it.

121. - Wait,

122. is there even, I'm supposed to find a key, right?

123. - Hold it up. I want to see what it is.

124. - It's Gak.

125. - It's Gak, it's slime.

126. Oh, the wet balls.

127. - The key's in the wet balls.

128. - Would you hold up the wet balls?

129. So I can see what the wet balls look like?

130. - Here are the wet balls.

131. - Been there baby.

132. - Well found it. It was in the wet balls.

133. Well, here it is!

134. The key!

135. I can finally escape this penne-tentiary

136. - Come on.

137. - That has imprisoned me.

138. Until next time,

139. I'm Goober Tuber and I love kissin'.

140. - Wow. Thanks Goober.

141. We go now to our music reporter.

142. The one, the only, Sproing Doingleman.

143. - What's up motherfuckers,

144. I'm Sproing Doingleman, coming at you live for me,

145. but pre-taped for you to share all the songs

146. that are burning up the charts.

147. At number three,

148. it's "Cry Me a River, because you're in De-Nile."

149. We can't play that track for you,

150. but the best part goes like,

151. Ooh and I'm a good singer, so get ready for this,

152. Du-wap do wap do wap, doo wap do wap do wap,

153. doo-wap do wap do wap, Cry me...

154. (Laughing) That's a song that already exists.

155. - I was going to say, I don't know the copyright—

156. - That's a song that already exists!

157. - At number two.

158. Yes. It's the soundtrack to the movie

159. "Mr. Skeleton Bones."

160. Composed by Danny Elfman,

161. this track has no lyrics, but it's unmistakably Elfman.

162. It sorta sounds like this...

163. Ding dong dung dung,

164. ding dung ding dong.

165. - Sounds like the chimes of Westminster Abbey.

166. - Yeah.

167. - Ding dong.

168. - I feel like Elfman scores are usually a little bit more—

169. - No!

170. No, they're not.

171. And of course, number one on the charts again, this week,

172. it's a cover of Johnny Cash's cover of Nine Inch Nails

173. "Hurt" from the band Spelunking on Jupiter.

174. - Isn't that a ska band?

175. - Yes, it is Jungle.

176. To be clear, this is a ska cover of "Hurt."

177. It sounds like this.

178. I can't imagine we have the rights to this song,

179. or even what ska really is.

180. I think it's when one of the band members wears a hat.

181. - You get a whole big band with you.

182. - I hurt myself today,

183. just so I could know pain.

184. I actually don't know the words to this song.

185. - Do you want to come to the Warped Tour with me next time?

186. - Absolutely, not.

187. It's truly a golden age of music,

188. and I am King Midas.

189. Well, that's all the numbers left on any countdown.

190. Until next time, I'm Sproing Doingleman, going "doing".

191. That's what I'm doing.

192. - Thanks Sproing.

193. Well, that's all that happened today.

194. The only news remaining is to announce the loser.

195. - Me Tao, and as a punishment

196. they'll have to put their hands

197. in all the boxes from the spaghetti factory.

198. - Can I say I'm a little jealous.

199. I kind of want to know what they felt like.

200. - My hand has been wet the whole episode

201. and just dried up now.

202. - Oh, I see the wet balls now.

203. - Yeah.

204. - Are they not Boba balls?

205. - Are they not Boba balls?

206. - No, those—

207. - Would you guys describe them to me?

208. - This one's like clay.

209. - Yeah.

210. - It's like touching clay.

211. - That is for sure expired spaghetti.

212. - Sure.

213. - This one..

214. - Oh it does, it smells like feet.

215. - It's feet spaghetti.

216. - The little balls are nice.