1. - From West
Hollywood, California,
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2. the only news team
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3. that doesn't know what's
on the teleprompter
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4. before they read it.
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5. Anyone who laughs or breaks,
(dramatic sound)
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6. loses points.
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7. This is Breaking News.
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8. - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News,
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9. the show where we don't know
what we're about to say,
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10. and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
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11. I'm David Scott.
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12. - And I'm Here Too.
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13. - You sure are.
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14. - I made it.
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15. - You sure did.
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16. - All the way to the big news.
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17. - Hey,
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18. you know somethin'?
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19. - Hmm?
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20. - I'm proud of you.
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21. - I'm proud of me too.
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22. - Settle down.
- Mm-hmm.
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23. - I understand you have
a special announcement?
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24. - Yes.
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25. For every time I smile or laugh,
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26. I will draw "LOL" on my face.
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27. And I want you all to
keep me honest on that,
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28. so feel free to call me out.
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29. - Beautiful.
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30. I absolutely will.
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31. - Okay.
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32. - That brings us to our top story.
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33. Since 19 zero one.
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34. that was weird.
(dramatic sound)
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35. Since 1901,
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36. the way people normally say that,
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37. the Nobel Peace Prize has
been given to 107 people
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38. and you've given three of them wedgies.
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39. Is that correct?
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40. - Yes.
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41. I've given wedgies to Barack Obama,
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42. the Dalai Lama,
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43. and Malala Yousafzai.
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44. - Why?
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45. Why did you do it?
(dramatic sound)
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46. - Yeah, (laughs)
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47. why did you give a wedgie to Malala?
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48. - Why would you do that?
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49. - Yeah,
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50. she just became an adult.
- What is wrong with you?
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51. - So proud of yourself for
knowing a Nobel Laureate
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52. and then forgot the in-world logic
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53. of why you were saying
these names. (laughs)
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54. - That's disgusting.
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55. - I thought she deserved it.
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56. Uh, she, yeah, she had it comin',
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57. that lady.
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58. - (clears throat) And
remind us what each of them
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59. were awarded Nobel Peace Prizes for.
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60. - Peace.
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61. Your move.
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62. even that made me laugh.
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63. All right.
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64. - Wow.
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65. They sound really nice.
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66. - Yeah,
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67. that's probably why it was
so easy to punk their asses.
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68. - And that leads us
(dramatic music)
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69. to our next story,
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70. with our mixed martial arts
expert and UFC correspondent,
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71. Ashton Yellowbut.
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72. Yellowbut?
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73. - Yes?
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74. I'm ringside, where just now,
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75. Billy Jones took down Johnny Bills.
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76. Jones was nearly DQ'd
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77. after the HW used BJJ to KO Bills.
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78. But, in a UD,
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79. the UFC said the TD was OK.
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80. - Ashton,
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81. dumb that down for us.
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82. What does DQ stand for in that sentence?
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83. Ashton?
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84. - Yeah.
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85. - So proud of yourself
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86. for getting through
that big jumbled speech.
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87. And then, all of a sudden,
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88. you gotta come back around,
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89. dontcha?
- Hmm!
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90. - DQ stands for fuckin' Dairy Queen!
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91. - And HW?
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92. - How Would One Get to Dairy Queen?
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93. - And BJJ?
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94. - Blowjob job!
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95. - Fuck me.
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96. - And KO?
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97. - Knockout.
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98. That one I do know.
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99. - And UD?
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100. - Uterine Device!
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101. - And UFC?
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102. - Ultra Fried Chicken!
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103. - And TD?
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104. - To Dine on Ultra Fried Chicken.
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105. - And OK?
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106. - Uh, Original...
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107. Knife.
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108. - Cool.
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109. Now, can you repeat the sentence,
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110. replacing all the acronyms
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111. with whatever you just
said they stand for?
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112. - Love to,
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113. of course.
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114. To reiterate (long pause)
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115. what we already knew,
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116. Jones was nearly Dairy Queen'd
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117. after the How Would One Get to Dairy Queen
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118. used Blowjob Jobs
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119. to Knockout Bills.
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120. But, in a Uterine Device,
(Carolyn laughs)
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121. the Ultra Fried Chicken
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122. said the To Dine on Ultra Fried
Chicken was Original Knife.
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123. - Wow.
- All right.
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124. You're legit.
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125. - Riveting stuff.
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126. Now for our space nerd, Jamie Hotwater.
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127. - Thanks, boo.
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128. The nation mourns today in
memory of Neil Armstrong,
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129. the first astronaut to
ever land on the moon.
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130. (laughs) But I say,
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131. fuck him.
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132. Fuck Neil Armstrong,
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133. Buzz Aldrin, and the rest
of those moonwalking freaks.
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134. Fuck the moon.
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135. What a waste of taxpayer dollars.
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136. - Jamie, it seems like
you're not a fan of the moon.
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137. - That's right,
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138. I fuckin' hate the moon,
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139. for these five specific reasons.
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140. Holes, too many holes.
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141. It's silver,
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142. it keeps me up at night.
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143. So fuckin' bright.
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144. Three, it's looking at you.
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145. You don't know that it's not,
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146. you can't prove that it isn't.
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147. Four, people go there,
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148. and they've never invited me to come
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149. because I think I have medical
things that disqualify me
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150. from being an astronaut?
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151. Five,
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152. (clears throat) their suits are ugly,
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153. and when they wear them
and they go to the moon.
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154. - Shut up!
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155. I like the moon.
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156. I like the moon so much,
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157. I wrote some slam poetry about it,
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158. which I'm going to recite now,
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159. on my Instagram Live, right now?
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160. Why do I keep doing this show?
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161. - Do it.
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162. - I don't know how. (laughs)
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163. I'm trying to figure out
(dramatic sounds)
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164. how do I do it?
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165. I think that's my story.
(dramatic sound)
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166. Oh shit.
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167. I've never gone live.
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168. - Do it!
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169. You're about to.
- You gotta do it.
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170. - And what am I doing?
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171. I'm reciting slam poetry about the moon?
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172. - Yes.
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173. - Why you like the moon.
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174. - In defense of the moon.
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175. - All right.
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176. - Don't get me in it.
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177. - the moon, the night,
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178. the darkness of the sky.
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179. There's no sense in it's sandiness,
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180. but we seek it's sandiness, in any event.
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181. We have to (long pause) go back.
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182. We have to look for space.
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183. My God,
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184. the night,
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185. the dark.
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186. - Keep goin'.
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187. - I can't believe how many
people are watching. (laughs)
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188. - How many people?
(production laughing)
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189. - Right now, 140 people are watching.
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190. - Oh,
(dramatic sound)
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191. it's gonna go way up.
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192. - You have to keep going.
- All right. (clears throat)
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193. When I look at the darkness,
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194. I see myself.
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195. When I look at the sky,
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196. I see the light.
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197. When I combine the two,
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198. I get the moon.
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199. And when I find the moon,
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200. I find the mission.
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201. The mission, which is (long pause)
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202. loveliness.
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203. Well, bye, everyone.
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204. - Well, that's all the time we have.
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205. A special congrats to our
employee of the week this week,
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206. Carolyn.
(upbeat music)
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207. We aren't supposed to laugh or smile,
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208. and you lost.
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209. As your punishment,
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210. you have to write "LOL" in big
letters across your forehead.
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211. - Yeah!
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212. Yeah! Here, catch.
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213. Oh shit. (laughs)
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214. That was the worst throw.
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215. - Whoo!
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