Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 5x7

Directed by

Katie Marovitch as David Scott • Grant O'Brien as Here Too • Brennan Lee Mulligan as Ashton Yellowbut • Carolyn Page as Jamie Hotwater

Katie, Brennan and Carolyn can only watch as Grant goes live with some slam poetry.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - From West Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team

3. that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter

4. before they read it.

5. Anyone who laughs or breaks, (dramatic sound)

6. loses points.

7. This is Breaking News.

8. - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News,

9. the show where we don't know what we're about to say,

10. and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

11. I'm David Scott.

12. - And I'm Here Too.

13. - You sure are.

14. - I made it.

15. - You sure did.

16. - All the way to the big news.

17. - Hey,

18. you know somethin'?

19. - Hmm?

20. - I'm proud of you.

21. - I'm proud of me too.

22. - Settle down. - Mm-hmm.

23. - I understand you have a special announcement?

24. - Yes.

25. For every time I smile or laugh,

26. I will draw "LOL" on my face.

27. And I want you all to keep me honest on that,

28. so feel free to call me out.

29. - Beautiful.

30. I absolutely will.

31. - Okay.

32. - That brings us to our top story.

33. Since 19 zero one.

34. that was weird. (dramatic sound)

35. Since 1901,

36. the way people normally say that,

37. the Nobel Peace Prize has been given to 107 people

38. and you've given three of them wedgies.

39. Is that correct?

40. - Yes.

41. I've given wedgies to Barack Obama,

42. the Dalai Lama,

43. and Malala Yousafzai.

44. - Why?

45. Why did you do it? (dramatic sound)

46. - Yeah, (laughs)

47. why did you give a wedgie to Malala?

48. - Why would you do that?

49. - Yeah,

50. she just became an adult. - What is wrong with you?

51. - So proud of yourself for knowing a Nobel Laureate

52. and then forgot the in-world logic

53. of why you were saying these names. (laughs)

54. - That's disgusting.

55. - I thought she deserved it.

56. Uh, she, yeah, she had it comin',

57. that lady.

58. - (clears throat) And remind us what each of them

59. were awarded Nobel Peace Prizes for.

60. - Peace.

61. Your move.

62. even that made me laugh.

63. All right.

64. - Wow.

65. They sound really nice.

66. - Yeah,

67. that's probably why it was so easy to punk their asses.

68. - And that leads us (dramatic music)

69. to our next story,

70. with our mixed martial arts expert and UFC correspondent,

71. Ashton Yellowbut.

72. Yellowbut?

73. - Yes?

74. I'm ringside, where just now,

75. Billy Jones took down Johnny Bills.

76. Jones was nearly DQ'd

77. after the HW used BJJ to KO Bills.

78. But, in a UD,

79. the UFC said the TD was OK.

80. - Ashton,

81. dumb that down for us.

82. What does DQ stand for in that sentence?

83. Ashton?

84. - Yeah.

85. - So proud of yourself

86. for getting through that big jumbled speech.

87. And then, all of a sudden,

88. you gotta come back around,

89. dontcha? - Hmm!

90. - DQ stands for fuckin' Dairy Queen!

91. - And HW?

92. - How Would One Get to Dairy Queen?

93. - And BJJ?

94. - Blowjob job!

95. - Fuck me.

96. - And KO?

97. - Knockout.

98. That one I do know.

99. - And UD?

100. - Uterine Device!

101. - And UFC?

102. - Ultra Fried Chicken!

103. - And TD?

104. - To Dine on Ultra Fried Chicken.

105. - And OK?

106. - Uh, Original...

107. Knife.

108. - Cool.

109. Now, can you repeat the sentence,

110. replacing all the acronyms

111. with whatever you just said they stand for?

112. - Love to,

113. of course.

114. To reiterate (long pause)

115. what we already knew,

116. Jones was nearly Dairy Queen'd

117. after the How Would One Get to Dairy Queen

118. used Blowjob Jobs

119. to Knockout Bills.

120. But, in a Uterine Device, (Carolyn laughs)

121. the Ultra Fried Chicken

122. said the To Dine on Ultra Fried Chicken was Original Knife.

123. - Wow. - All right.

124. You're legit.

125. - Riveting stuff.

126. Now for our space nerd, Jamie Hotwater.

127. - Thanks, boo.

128. The nation mourns today in memory of Neil Armstrong,

129. the first astronaut to ever land on the moon.

130. (laughs) But I say,

131. fuck him.

132. Fuck Neil Armstrong,

133. Buzz Aldrin, and the rest of those moonwalking freaks.

134. Fuck the moon.

135. What a waste of taxpayer dollars.

136. - Jamie, it seems like you're not a fan of the moon.

137. - That's right,

138. I fuckin' hate the moon,

139. for these five specific reasons.

140. Holes, too many holes.

141. It's silver,

142. it keeps me up at night.

143. So fuckin' bright.

144. Three, it's looking at you.

145. You don't know that it's not,

146. you can't prove that it isn't.

147. Four, people go there,

148. and they've never invited me to come

149. because I think I have medical things that disqualify me

150. from being an astronaut?

151. Five,

152. (clears throat) their suits are ugly,

153. and when they wear them and they go to the moon.

154. - Shut up!

155. I like the moon.

156. I like the moon so much,

157. I wrote some slam poetry about it,

158. which I'm going to recite now,

159. on my Instagram Live, right now?

160. Why do I keep doing this show?

161. - Do it.

162. - I don't know how. (laughs)

163. I'm trying to figure out (dramatic sounds)

164. how do I do it?

165. I think that's my story. (dramatic sound)

166. Oh shit.

167. I've never gone live.

168. - Do it!

169. You're about to. - You gotta do it.

170. - And what am I doing?

171. I'm reciting slam poetry about the moon?

172. - Yes.

173. - Why you like the moon.

174. - In defense of the moon.

175. - All right.

176. - Don't get me in it.

177. - the moon, the night,

178. the darkness of the sky.

179. There's no sense in it's sandiness,

180. but we seek it's sandiness, in any event.

181. We have to (long pause) go back.

182. We have to look for space.

183. My God,

184. the night,

185. the dark.

186. - Keep goin'.

187. - I can't believe how many people are watching. (laughs)

188. - How many people? (production laughing)

189. - Right now, 140 people are watching.

190. - Oh, (dramatic sound)

191. it's gonna go way up.

192. - You have to keep going. - All right. (clears throat)

193. When I look at the darkness,

194. I see myself.

195. When I look at the sky,

196. I see the light.

197. When I combine the two,

198. I get the moon.

199. And when I find the moon,

200. I find the mission.

201. The mission, which is (long pause)

202. loveliness.

203. Well, bye, everyone.

204. - Well, that's all the time we have.

205. A special congrats to our employee of the week this week,

206. Carolyn. (upbeat music)

207. We aren't supposed to laugh or smile,

208. and you lost.

209. As your punishment,

210. you have to write "LOL" in big letters across your forehead.

211. - Yeah!

212. Yeah! Here, catch.

213. Oh shit. (laughs)

214. That was the worst throw.

215. - Whoo!