Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 5x6

Directed by

Carolyn Page as Porkin' Mydad • Erika Ishii as Im-A-Me Mario • Alfred Aquino II as Seeso Mypeeso • Becca Scott as Ashy Janice

Carolyn Page, Erika Ishii, Alfred Aquino II, and Becca Scott talk teens, olds, and stagflation.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - From west Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team that doesn't know

3. what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

5. This is Breaking News.

6. - Welcome to Breaking News,

7. the show where we don't know what we're about to say,

8. and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

9. - Or make a little cummy in our pants.

10. - I'm Porkin' Mydad.

11. - (Giggles) And I'm I'm-A-Me Mario.

12. We're here with tonight's top stories.

13. And if you don't like that,

14. you can come to my apartment to yell at me.

15. (Whispers) Don't put that on the internet.

16. Come at night when I'm sleeping.

17. I sleep,

18. uh sprawled out

19. definitely naked.

20. I have no central air conditioning.

21. And so there is a small AC unit

22. that is blasting directly at me.

23. I have like all those colored bulbs and stuff,

24. and sometimes it's nice to fall asleep

25. with the one that's on my bed

26. in like a little purple hue.

27. - But first youths.

28. In a desperate attempt

29. to stay relevant to our besties.

30. we'll be investigating current teen slang words

31. like yeet, litty, fam,

32. sup, get pinned.

33. That's so Raven,

34. Delaware,

35. Shaka, brah,

36. Drake and Josh.

37. - I'll tell you what young people are going to save us.

38. When I look at folks like Greta Thunberg

39. and the sunrise movement,

40. and I'm inspired to stop working on hard things

41. because the kids are on the case.

42. My favorite teens are, oh,

43. - One teen, any child under the age of 18.

44. - I, uh..

45. - How old is Zendaya? Anyone?

46. - That's the thing. Zendaya is like

47. all the people that I think of as teenagers

48. are no longer teenagers.

49. Oh my God, is this what it's like?

50. I'm getting old.

51. Okay.

52. Well that was a complete failure. I don't know.

53. Spider-Man is not even a teenager anymore.

54. I don't even know.

55. - In other news, today is National Communion Wafer Day.

56. Communion wafers put a man in your mouth.

57. - Local churches are anticipating a huge influx

58. of parishioners, odd for a weekday.

59. If you've never been to the weekday mass

60. at a Catholic church,

61. picture priests doing the most rote muscle memory service

62. he can manage for 18 of the oldest hags you can imagine.

63. You might think they'd be friendly because they're filled

64. with the Holy Spirit. You'd be wrong.

65. - Weekday Catholics haven't smiled

66. since Kennedy was elected.

67. They treat the service like more of a job

68. than the priest does.

69. I hope they go to heaven just to make the time input

70. worth it.

71. - For National Wafer Day,

72. get yourself into the backroom of your local church.

73. Don't look around at anything else going on

74. and grab a fat stack of wafes.

75. My (laughs) No! I won't! I won't!

76. My favorite flavor is white.

77. - And my favorite flavor is also white.

78. - Hold your horsegirls. Hold them tight.

79. I just heard that we've got breaking news coming in from our

80. Metro reporter, Seeso Mypeeso.

81. - Thanks, I'm-a-me. I'm here outside of Gene Hackman's

82. movie trailer. Just waiting for him to die.

83. - (Laughs)

84. - I don't bear any ill will, of course. He's a treasure,

85. but he's an old treasure and a scoop this big

86. could change my life.

87. Guys would want to be me and girls would want

88. to beat my ass raw.

89. Earlier, I thought I heard him die,

90. but it turns out it was just a PA eating a bagel real loud

91. and not the sound of Gene Hackman's mortal soul

92. leaving his body.

93. - I got to say Seeso. I'm a bit disappointed.

94. - Likewise. I've staked out

95. many of our oldest celebrities like, Ooh, wow,

96. this is the complete opposite problem for me.

97. Who's old now?

98. - James Hong.

99. - Sure? James Hong.

100. Why am I forgetting his name? Warren Buffet.

101. - Tom Cruise.

102. - Tom Cruise is old.

103. Is that old now?

104. - Oh yeah!

105. - JK Simmons.

106. - JK Simmons. Look, I'm

107. - Also, not old.

108. - Aging well I think.

109. Who else? I'm getting faces and not names.

110. - So I'm just going to go with the script as I remember.

111. - Describe the faces.

112. - Magneto, he's old. Professor X,

113. oh opposite

114. Brad Pitt that you know that one movie when he was born old.

115. Anyway, I even grease the steps of their trailers,

116. but every single one of them,

117. Willy Wonka somersault over the slippery stuff.

118. So here I am back at Gene's.

119. Love his work in Bonnie and Clyde,

120. and now I wish he'd Bonnie and die.

121. - I don't care for puns about death.

122. - Really? Hmm. Well, here are three more.

123. Coughing up? You're gonna die.

124. That's a pun on coughing.

125. Looks like my heart ripped, that's RIP.

126. And then I've had one too many.

127. I've had one few

128. funerals.

129. One too many, few, few funeral.

130. F... yeah! - Thank you Seeso.

131. We've got more piping wet news to funnel down

132. your solar poles.

133. Our weatherman Biff is out today on account of getting

134. picked up by a tornado at a bar.

135. - At least somebody's getting picked up.

136. - Shut up, Porkin!

137. In financial news, howsy, whatsies?

138. who needs them?

139. We've got our markets reporter Ashy Janice on the story.

140. - It's-a-me. I'm standing here outside

141. Gene Hackman's tasteful Tri-level Spanish style estate.

142. It's expected to sell for a pretty penny when Gene Hackman

143. pops the question.

144. The question being, am I dead yet?

145. - But there have been rumours lately

146. that the housing bubble is going to pop.

147. And since I'm an expert,

148. I'm going to tell you how stagflation works.

149. So you're, uh,

150. it increases to a point.

151. And then after it flags

152. and, uh,

153. teens, right?

154. Anyway, back to you.

155. - Educational!

156. - And what is the Federal Reserve's role

157. in all of this?

158. - Totally. Okay.

159. So let me explain using as many names

160. in technical terms as I can.

161. Bernanki.

162. So inflation is when you, you do want some inflation,

163. but it needs to be a percentage that is low

164. between one and two.

165. And if the federal reserve prints too many dollars,

166. then people will be too happy

167. and we need to crush their souls

168. into the ground under the foot of the federal government,

169. not giving a crap, about any of them.

170. And that's stagflation.

171. - Thanks, Ashy.

172. Any peep from Gene?

173. - Yeah, I hope not.

174. We want him dead. Back to you.

175. - And that about does it for tonight's news.

176. - Hate to see you leave. Love to see you walk away.

177. - Porkin, that tears it.

178. You and I are getting divorced.

179. That's it for us. But before we go,

180. we'll tell you that tonight's loser in a stunning upset

181. is Becca.

182. - I don't know.

183. - (chuckles)

184. - As punishment, she has to list

185. her top five gene Hackman performances,

186. other than The Royal Tenenbaums.

187. And she will also reenact her favorite line from each movie.

188. - This is a Gene Hackman impression.

189. And I'm your shitty son,

190. I've only seen The Royal Tenenbaums.