Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 5x5

Directed by

Amy Vorpahl as Hugh Mungus • Grant O'Brien as Preti Bigtoo • Lily Du as Mr. Ass • Christine Medrano as Beef Teeth

Title says it all.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - From West Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team that doesn't know

3. what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

5. This is, Breaking News.

6. - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News.

7. The show where we don't know what we're about to say,

8. and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

9. I'm Hugh (laughs)

10. Hugh

11. Mungus.

12. - And I'm Preti Bigtoo.

13. - Tonight, a new study suggests,

14. noses are very weird looking,

15. but you'd somehow look even weirder without one.

16. - And are you a mess in the kitchen?

17. You're in luck, Chef Curtis Stone

18. will teach you to go fuck yourself.

19. I just, I have to tell you,

20. cause I'm the biggest laugher, aside from you.

21. And even though I'm here, like, oh are you okay?

22. - She can't hear you because she's blacked out.

23. - Then later,

24. how much of the ocean is whale piss?

25. It turns out, all of it.

26. All of it.

27. - But first our top story.

28. Whatcha gonna to do with all that junk?

29. Our very own Hugh Mungus has found three surprising uses

30. for all that junk inside that truck.

31. Isn't that right, Hugh?

32. - No.

33. - That's right, Hugh totally dropped the ball.

34. So I guess I'll do it.

35. I would use all that junk inside that trunk

36. to change a spare tire.

37. In my actual car in my trunk

38. I have a little lumbar pillow.

39. Cause I like to be a little comfy when I,

40. but I don't always need it.

41. - So you, (giggles)

42. - But I, when I need it,

43. I jump out of the car and I.

44. - You use your junk in your trunk to support your back.

45. - Yeah, I support my low back with my junk in my trunk.

46. Oh I also,

47. get fucked in the ass.

48. - I,

49. I,

50. I,

51. I use,

52. curse words make me laugh.

53. Oh yeah. So all of your uses of junk in the trunk.

54. Yeah, that reminds me of a fourth use

55. for my junk in my trunk.

56. - What's that?

57. - To put out fires.

58. Just like really extinguished some fires.

59. - Helpful.

60. - Yeah, with some junk in your trunk, you could

61. - Sure.

62. - sit on them, or.

63. - Thank you, Hugh.

64. - Ha, ha, ha.

65. Ha. (laughing)

66. - Okay, yoo-hoo?

67. - Yoohoo? "You, Hugh", not "yoohoo."

68. - Oh. (giggles)

69. Okay.

70. For less on this, we go to a completely different segment.

71. - Massive flooding in Dork City.

72. Population, you.

73. We go now live to our Weather Reporter, Mr. Ass.

74. - Thanks, Preti.

75. I'm here in Dork City

76. like a fucking idiot talking about the weather.

77. And no, your ears didn't deceive you.

78. I sound exactly like Kermit the frog.

79. Perhaps, my first words didn't sound like Kermit,

80. but that's because it's dry in here.

81. And what I'm saying right now,

82. and every subsequent line is a pretty solid

83. Kermit voice.

84. Since I'm inside,

85. I'm going to use these industrial fans

86. to simulate a big ass storm.

87. Oh, that's what that fan is for.

88. Oh shit.

89. Even though this is definitely going to

90. fuck up the sound quality of this episode.

91. And even though it's probably going to blow my hair around

92. and make it really hard to get the green screen working,

93. the script says I have to do it. So I'm doing it.

94. - Worth it.

95. - Is this industrial strength?

96. Because you'd think it could go a little stronger, okay.

97. As you can see,

98. if I were actually in a storm,

99. it would look a little something like this.

100. Maybe.

101. As I write this, I have no idea what this will look like.

102. Or if Sam will shell out,

103. to buy a big industrial fan.

104. Truly, anything could be happening right now.

105. This is me the writer now, talking through Mr. Ass.

106. And I the writer, also sound like Kermit.

107. But then I suppose I have been speaking through Mr. Ass

108. since the moment he began speaking.

109. This is the nature of art.

110. Penis!

111. Anyway, flooding happens when water has nowhere to go.

112. - I love how your Kermit impression held up.

113. - Until next time, I'm Mr. Ass,

114. saying my catch phrase that we all know.

115. So we're all going to say it at the same time.

116. Even the fourth anchor who hasn't spoken yet.

117. - Thanks, Mister.

118. Another thing you can do with all that junk,

119. I just thought of it.

120. Is rub all of it on other things.

121. And kind of,

122. it's a cleaning thing.

123. If you rub all the junk.

124. - Now, how would that work?

125. - Well, you take all the junk in the trunk,

126. And then you take another thing,

127. and then you rub it together,

128. and one or two or both of those things

129. would be cleaner than they were.

130. - Guess I don't know what else

131. I thought the answer would be.

132. - And with that, we go to Entertainment Reporter,

133. Beef Teeth. (wheezing)

134. - Thank you, Hugh.

135. - Oh no.

136. Q who?

137. - You, Hugh.

138. Well, there's a new Star Wars movie.

139. Which of course means,

140. that Star Wars fans are practically jumping with fury.

141. These miserable little toads

142. who haven't gotten anything they've asked for,

143. have gotten some of the piddling little complaints,

144. and now,

145. problem.

146. And now that's your problem for some reason.

147. This time, the names are just too stupid.

148. Even though Star Wars has always

149. been filled with dumb ass names like,

150. Salacious Crumb and Jar Jar Binks,

151. some fans say the new names have gone too far.

152. - Beef, could you give us some examples of those names?

153. - Of course I can.

154. In fact, I can give you five.

155. - Terrific.

156. - Dueler Turds.

157. There's one. Lives on a rocket ship or some shit.

158. - Mhmm.

159. - Creden Furbies.

160. - Oh yeah.

161. - The pilot.

162. Pot Pot Tin.

163. Jar Jar Binks' brother.

164. Obviously.

165. Challah Wok Chad.

166. - Oh a Chad.

167. - And then we have the last one, which is

168. Princess

169. Feracught.

170. - Oh.

171. - All right, yeah.

172. Well, I'll say this.

173. Those are some pretty dumb names,

174. but also pretty equal level of dumb to every other name.

175. - That is objectively correct.

176. That's no different from

177. Helego

178. Willacaster.

179. - Oh.

180. - No.

181. San Script Pike Guard.

182. Fargone

183. Faceferve.

184. - Mhmm.

185. - Fargone Face.

186. - Nattywat Natawoule.

187. And

188. Jibbs.

189. Until next time, I'm Beef Teeth

190. signing off with Masters Ass's catchphrase.

191. Eat my ass.

192. - Till next time.

193. - Go to the, bye.

194. - Eat my ass.

195. - Oh,

196. okay.

197. And that's all the news that's ever happened.

198. Except of course, for the news of tonight's loser.

199. Which is,

200. the hottest lady you ever saw with a lot of money.

201. Me.

202. Yes, me just couldn't keep it together.

203. So I'm afraid you have to try to pour a tall glass of water

204. while standing directly in front of the big ass fans.

205. - Oh no. Oh goodness.

206. - All right.

207. Oh god, oh god.

208. - Oh no.

209. Oh no, the fans not too strong, I will say.

210. - Okay, got it.

211. - Whoa!

212. Oh the fan is strong!