Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 5x4

Directed by

Mike Trapp as Tiffany Germ • Sam Reich as Mr. Strong • Katie Marovitch as Jamie Lotion • Brennan Lee Mulligan as Sexy Hustler

Sam, Trapp, Katie, and Brennan get to the bottom of when and how they met.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - From West Hollywood, California

2. the only news team that doesn't know

3. what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

5. This is Breaking News!

6. - Hello and welcome to Breaking News

7. the show where we don't know what we're about to say

8. and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

9. I'm Tiffany Germ.

10. And I'm Mr. Strong.

11. Our top story tonight, The Are they overrated?

12. Sources are telling me yes.

13. - A whistle-blower inside the Henson organization

14. has released documents saying

15. that the Muppets are fine or whatever,

16. but everybody could just take it down

17. about five notches when it comes to them.

18. - First of all Gonzo is the only good one.

19. Kermit is a boring scold.

20. Ms. Piggy is a full-on sex offender.

21. And the rest mostly just make dated jokes

22. about like hippies.

23. - That's true we've got the Swedish Chef out here like

24. and Rolf is always like,

25. What does Rolf sound like?

26. - There's no way you're beating

27. that Swedish Chef impression.

28. And Rolf is always like "hey!"

29. That's more of Dr. Teeth, but it's something like that.

30. - That was oddly good.

31. The whistle blower says that there are, at best,

32. two and a half good Muppet movies.

33. And that it's telling that the people

34. who are super into the Muppets

35. are never very funny as individuals.

36. Plus what's the story,

37. is Sesame Street a Muppet thing?

38. That's always been wicked confusing.

39. The Muppets aren't the only overrated thing, though.

40. Prosciutto, for instance, is just thin ham,

41. but everyone nuts all over themselves for it?

42. Silliness.

43. And dogs? Everybody chill out about dogs.

44. Every dog owner I know

45. has pictures of their dog on their phone

46. that they look at on vacation to cry.

47. It's actually co-dependency.

48. - Bananas. Here are seven more things that are overrated.

49. Bananas, people think they're a good morning food,

50. they don't fill you up much.

51. And a little known fact they're high in histamine.

52. July fourth fireworks are overrated

53. in the sense that they scare dogs like mine.

54. A picture of whom I have on my phone.

55. Mike Trapp is overrated in the sense that

56. he will willingly sabotage a production

57. just for a laugh that only makes sense to the inside crew.

58. The movie Austin Powers is overrated.

59. I watched it at the Hollywood Cemetery before the pandemic,

60. and you'd be surprised how many of those jokes

61. are straight on sexual harassment.

62. Cats are overrated, I will say, as somebody who has a cat,

63. in the sense that however much love you give them

64. it's like pouring it into an empty void.

65. They don't return it unless it's convenient for them.

66. Logan and Jake Paul are overrated.

67. That one's self explanatory.

68. Hope that doesn't get me in trouble on the internet.

69. - One of those Paul boys is gonna beat you up.

70. Whichever one of them is the angry beating up one.

71. - The idea that someone would hear you criticize cats

72. and be like "that's fine,"

73. and then be like "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Logan Paul?

74. Over the line, my guy!"

75. - One of them's gonna beat me up?

76. Do they both box at this point,

77. or is just one of them a wannabe boxer?

78. - No just the cats are.

79. - Oh got it. (Brennan meows)

80. Finally, I'm overrated,

81. my success has been entirely right place, right time,

82. and a total coincidence, and if you're a fan of me,

83. it's a self fulfilling prophecy where I put myself in stuff.

84. - That's absolutely right.

85. We'll go now to a brand new member of the News team,

86. Jamie Lotion, for weather.

87. Jamie, nice to meet you.

88. - Oh, um this is awkward.

89. We've actually met before.

90. - Oh my god I hate this so much.

91. This is the worst.

92. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. - Yeah.

93. - Where did we meet?

94. - Where did we meet?

95. We both went to Hannom Elementary School.

96. And we literally were in class together

97. from kindergarten through sixth grade.

98. - Sorry I don't remember that I was,

99. - Fill in the blank.

100. - I was the kid in the back of the class

101. who was just eating lots of glue.

102. So those early years are just a blur to me.

103. - Okay.

104. - Jamie, we apologize.

105. On behalf of the rest of the News team

106. it really is nice to meet you.

107. - Oh, we've actually met before too.

108. - Shit, shit! - Yeah.

109. - Alright, where?

110. - Okay well it's kind of a long story.

111. In third grade my parents surprised me

112. with a trip to space camp.

113. Which was a really big deal for me 'cause I love space.

114. And I was the youngest in the group,

115. and I was also the only girl.

116. We were on a mission together, a fake mission.

117. I was in mission control

118. and I had a panic attack and started crying.

119. And you came in and you gave me a flower.

120. And made it all better.

121. - Uh huh. What were you wearing?

122. - That's kind of a long story. (crew members and Mike laughs)

123. I was supposed to be wearing my space camp shirt,

124. tucked into my cargo shorts.

125. But during the panic attack

126. I had wet myself. (crew members laughing)

127. So I had to change.

128. So we went to the gift shop in space camp,

129. and the only thing they had was a men's extra large t-shirt.

130. - Are you crying right now? - Yeah!

131. And so we wrapped a belt around it.

132. And everybody knew I didn't fit in.

133. - I apologize, maybe you should just introduce yourself

134. to the audience.

135. - Mhm, I've actually met the audience before.

136. - Where?

137. - It's kind of a long story!

138. Three days before space camp

139. we had gone throughout the rest of Florida,

140. and I was on a ride at Disney World.

141. And I puked and I hid in my seat.

142. And I slipped out.

143. And I almost died but the audience

144. was underneath the ride and caught me.

145. And so I didn't die.

146. - Did you know them as the audience at that point?

147. - Yeah! (crew member laughs)

148. - And they've been traveling

149. as a collective group this whole time?

150. - Yeah!

151. - I'll just come right out and say it.

152. If someone doesn't remember meeting you,

153. it means you're not memorable enough

154. and it's your own fault. - Damn!

155. - We'll go now to a Sexy Hustler that we let do sports.

156. - He's very, very sexy!

157. - Oh, hi.

158. Gosh you caught me right in the middle of a game of pool.

159. This is the middle of a game of pool.

160. - You're the pool expert.

161. - You tell us. - Yeah.

162. - No, no I know that I know everything about pool,

163. which is why this, with the cue stick on the table,

164. is the middle of a game of pool.

165. With the chalk and the cue ball that's all the middle.

166. The plastic covers around the fucking balls,

167. - The middle of the game - and that's the middle

168. of the game of pool.

169. - Well this explains why you're so good.

170. - Yeah I know it explains why I'm so good.

171. Which is why I removed the cover

172. for the middle of the game of pool.

173. I love playing pool.

174. It's a game of patience and angles.

175. I'm a very patient man,

176. and I know just how to hit the spot.

177. - Oh that is sexy.

178. - I love the feeling of using my big stick, you know?

179. Say would you wanna watch me knock in

180. this entire rack of pool balls?

181. I'll tell you what, after every time I hit the ball,

182. I'll say something sexy to you.

183. Would you like that?

184. I'll bet you would.

185. Great. (crew laughs)

186. - It's weird that this qualifies as the news.

187. - It's weird that he has to chalk up his cue

188. in the middle of a game of pool.

189. - It is weird.

190. - There's different thoughts about that.

191. Some people say that you should rechalk pretty frequently,

192. even in the midst of a game of pool,

193. like the one I'm playing now. - Oh my gods.

194. - It's good to have the table be just right up

195. almost a nipple height. - For sure, yeah.

196. (balls click) - Bukake!

197. - I guess that was sexy.

198. - Okay hold on one second.

199. Foot stuff!

200. Okay here we go and,

201. (balls click) - Oh my god.

202. - Froggy style!

203. - So sir, it's nice to meet you, but we have to move on.

204. - Oh, actually we've met before.

205. - Really, when, where?

206. - We met at space camp.

207. I work at space camp.

208. I make and craft artisan pool tables

209. that work in outer space.

210. - How? Not how do you make them,

211. how does it work in outer space?

212. - In outer space there is different gravity.

213. I was gonna say no gravity,

214. but obviously if you're closer

215. to some large celestial bodies,

216. there will be gravity forces there.

217. So you need to play pool

218. not just in the two dimensions of the the table,

219. but also three dimensions.

220. If I don't hit a joke in this explanation

221. it's because I got too excited about

222. thinking about how that would work.

223. - Very sexy.

224. - Very sexy, very sexy.

225. - Now I would be getting more balls

226. in this pocket right here,

227. but it's totally full of balls.

228. - That's the sexiest thing you've said so far.

229. - That is, hugely sexy. (Brennan laughs)

230. - That does it for us, but before we go,

231. we'll tell you that tonight's loser is Samwise Reich.

232. As punishment they're going to have to go around

233. and tell the real actors

234. where they think they first met,

235. to see if their stories line up.

236. - Cool, Katie, - Marovitch.

237. - Marovitch.

238. I believe we would have first met

239. when you were an intern at CollegeHumor.

240. Probably out on the floor of the office somewhere?

241. - I remember it exactly.

242. - Oh shit! (cast and crew laughs)

243. - Your former assistant took me into your office,

244. which was on the fourth floor,

245. we were on the fifth floor.

246. - Yes.

247. And I said hello. - Yes.

248. - Because we have a family connection.

249. Which you don't remember.

250. - We're cousins, we're cousins!

251. - Uh Trapp, - Yes?

252. I think we would have met,

253. did we meet back in New York?

254. - Maybe.

255. (Sam laughs) - Shit.

256. To be honest my first concrete memories of meeting you

257. is when we were talking about the writers position.

258. And bringing you out to LA.

259. - I think the first time we met

260. was before I started working at College Humor.

261. It was actually at a Halloween party,

262. - No. - in which you were dressed

263. as Dr. Robotnic, or perhaps, Mr. Eggman.

264. - Yes!

265. - So to be fair,

266. you were in costume and I was in costume.

267. There's no reason you would have recognized me or known me,

268. but I think that was the first time I met you.

269. - Oh - I'm so far mortified.

270. - Brennan, please tell me that we met

271. when you were a writer for Um, Actually.

272. - We met five years before that.

273. - Now obviously when I became your employee

274. is obviously when I became a full human being.

275. But prior to that, (crew laughs)

276. in New York City we had a 15 minute conversation,

277. at Chelsea Piers with you and your lovely wife, Elaine,

278. when I was a house performer at UCB.

279. Where I talked about - Perfect.

280. - how meaningful Dutch West was,

281. your old sketch group, - Great.

282. - over a long dinner where I was a guest

283. of Josh Ruben and Vince Peone.

284. - Fantastic.

285. Well, I'm an asshole. (cast and crew laughs)