Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 5x3

Directed by

Lily Du as Tina Pooter • Brennan Lee Mulligan as Handsome Anthony • Erika Ishii as Punky Jewster • Mike Trapp as Chef Titty

Lily, Brennan, Erika, and Trapp navigate the uncomfortable world of kissing and oyster shucking.

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1. - From West Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team that doesn't know what's on the

3. teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

5. This is Breaking News.

6. - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News.

7. The show where we don't know what we're about to say,

8. and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

9. - I'm Tina Pooter.

10. - I'm Handsome Anthony.

11. Our top story tonight,

12. Ford has announced a new top of the line,

13. all electric pickup truck. It's the lowest price EV yet.

14. What's the catch? To get it,

15. you have to kiss the salesman on the lips.

16. - That's right.

17. It's a new model of F-150 the most popular truck in America.

18. In a statement,

19. Ford said the F in F-150 stands for frenching.

20. In a press release CEO

21. Jim Farley said Henry Ford made cars available to the

22. masses. And today we're doing the same thing,

23. but instead of cars, it's our soft, moist lips,

24. gently finding yours.

25. - The blue oval boys say that the truck will get over 300

26. miles on a single charge and be able to tow 10.000 pounds.

27. You want it, don't you. You want it bad.

28. Well, pucker up buttercup.

29. This all reminds me of my first kiss.

30. It was after high school because

31. I did not date in high school.

32. I don't know if it's going to be funny.

33. I think we simply kissed,

34. but the first time I had sex,

35. I did lock my dad in the basement to do it.

36. Your turn!

37. - Ah, okay.

38. I'll tell you what.

39. I wouldn't mind getting my hands on one of those bad boys.

40. - Oh yeah.

41. Let's see what you got.

42. Make out with this mannequin's head.

43. - Just so we're going to get a good look.

44. - Close your eyes and think of your fiance.

45. Just think about the GIFs they'll make.

46. - Yeah. That'll really help.

47. I'm going to think about my wonderful fiance.

48. - And how un-loyal you're being.

49. - Oh, that's not how you kiss!

50. - You have no idea how I kiss.

51. - That's true!

52. - Okay, here we go.

53. It's good. We're good.

54. Let's do it.

55. Mwa, mwa, mwa. So attractive.

56. It helps that you're so completely still.

57. I feel, I feel, I feel winded and sad all at the same time.

58. That's what I like after a kiss.

59. No, no, that's all wrong.

60. Be romantic about it.

61. Tell them what you like best about them.

62. - What I like most about you is I think,

63. I think my favorite thing about you is

64. your completely solid hairline.

65. And I would say to you the other thing,

66. that's really nice...

67. - Tell them about the life you're going

68. to make for them.

69. I would, I it's incredible

70. that they have made the mannequin seem bored.

71. The mannequin seems uninterested.

72. I'm gonna take care of you.

73. You're never going to have to worry.

74. You're my princess.

75. I'm gonna, I'm gonna build a life for you.

76. You're too beautiful to work.

77. - Now softly, slowly, kiss them like you're in love.

78. - You are to me, my life before you was a blur.

79. I only came to life when you came into my life,

80. yup we're done.

81. - Hey, listen.

82. I just made up all that stuff about Ford.

83. - I fall for this every time.

84. - now for an update on the astronauts

85. stranded on the space station.

86. Here's NASA correspondent,

87. Punky Jewster.

88. - On behalf of Reddit and Tumblr. Thanks.

89. As you know,

90. six astronauts have been stranded

91. aboard the space station for days now.

92. they're running out of air and hope has been rapidly

93. fading, but this afternoon one Intrepid

94. janitor came up with a daring rescue plan.

95. That's just crazy enough to work.

96. - That's great news, Punky.

97. What are they doing?

98. - Well, it's a little complicated,

99. but luckily I have this convenient box of knickknacks that

100. will help me explain using a metaphor.

101. Now let's say this coffee cup is Earth.

102. And that this pencil is the space station.

103. And these cards are the Earth's atmosphere.

104. Its very thick.

105. Thanks to the regulations that we have had to rebuild the

106. ozone layer back in the nineties.

107. There's actually a lot of evidence that, that,

108. that concerted effort and changing the culture of

109. environmentalism works folks.

110. So the space station is here,

111. the earth, the Earth's atmosphere is down here.

112. If this space station goes down,

113. it is going to burn up on entry.

114. - Punky, I'd like to go back to

115. the deck of cards for a moment.

116. Can you elaborate further on the science behind that?

117. - Oh, well, well, as I said,

118. this is the ozone layer and the atmosphere of earth,

119. but it is too tough.

120. As you can see for these poor astronauts up here to get down

121. into the Earth where their loved ones are.

122. So what this janitor has come up with is,

123. is to weaponize the space station,

124. using these rubber bands that we will call the space lasers

125. to, to sort of like shoot, shoot the,

126. from the space station on to...

127. - Scary stuff.

128. - Yeah. Ta-da! Home Free!

129. - Godspeed to those brave men and women who have slipped the

130. surly bonds of earth to punch the face of God.

131. - Thank you, Punky!

132. We go now to the test kitchen with chef Titty.

133. Chef, what are you cooking up for us today?

134. - Handsome. The weather is getting warmer.

135. And so instead of cooking, I'll be doing some,

136. not cooking with that most classic raw dish, oysters.

137. There we go. Oh, wonderful.

138. Now, as you can see these oysters haven't been opened,

139. that's how you know they're fresh.

140. It takes some specialized training to crack them.

141. And luckily that's training I have.

142. - Oh perfect. In that case,

143. we won't move on until you've opened all of those oysters.

144. - I've got my protective gloves on because

145. the shucking knife can be quite sharp and

146. I, let's give it a go. Let's see.

147. Yes, it's much harder than it looks.

148. - But you of course have the training to know how to do it.

149. - Of course I have the training. Now, look,

150. I'm demonstrating the wrong way to do this.

151. Now look, you can just pry that under there,

152. give it a good twist and out comes a shard of shell.

153. That's going to be bad.

154. That's going to be something you don't want to eat.

155. Now we are going to get that in there.

156. We're going to give it another go.

157. Let's see if we can get that open and look at that.

158. Just as easy as that.

159. - And what you're going to want to do of course

160. is as an expert is to do it

161. so that you don't spill the juice.

162. - Oh for sure. Definitely not spill the juice everywhere,

163. but you see you get these lovely shards of shell

164. mixed into the raw meat.

165. Give you a nice textural crunch, crunch crunch

166. When you're slurping down them oysters.

167. And that's one down. You do the math.

168. You can tell this is going to take me

169. a pretty long fuckin time.

170. - You know,

171. Jonathan Swift said "He was a bold man

172. who first ate an oyster."

173. And I know there are different kinds.

174. What are the different types of oysters?

175. - Well, there's, there's, Kumamoto, there's Kushi.

176. There's blue points.

177. There are, there's of course,

178. Pacific oysters and Atlantic oysters,

179. and you're going to get different levels of salinity and,

180. and meatiness depending on

181. what kind of oyster you're eating now.

182. - How's that second oyster going?

183. - It's, you know what it's coming off,

184. but could you believe I'm getting

185. a lot of oyster juice on my hands?

186. It's quite warm outside.

187. I bet I'm going to be taking this smell home with me for a

188. long time, but that's oyster number two.

189. So we're moving on to number three.

190. - Can you catch any diseases from eating them?

191. - Oh, many

192. - Excellent

193. - Many oysters, for sure.

194. - Well, we'll just wait until you're done.

195. - Well, I am done.

196. That is it. That is the third oyster all shucked.

197. And it's just that easy folks.

198. You can do that at home.

199. - Mm, ah. Sea splooge.

200. - That's it for us on breaking news.

201. But before we go, we'll announce that tonight's

202. loser is Erika!

203. And as a punishment

204. They have to drink the garnish for the oysters as a shot.

205. - Whew! Down the hatch.

206. - No fear

207. - Oh!