Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 5x16

Directed by

Carolyn Page as Debbie Cocaine • Brennan Lee Mulligan as "Stone Cold" Steve Penis • Alfred Aquino II as Long, Silver John • Sam Reich as "Weird" Al Spankmydick

Carolyn, Brennan, Alfred, and Sam explore the three most powerful forces in the universe.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - From West Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team that doesn't know

3. what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

5. This is Breaking News.

6. - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News.

7. The show where we don't know what we're about to say,

8. and we aren't allowed to laugh or smile.

9. I'm Debbie Cocaine.

10. - And I'm (laughs) (warning chord sounds)

11. "Stone Cold" Steve Penis.

12. Our top story tonight,

13. tragedy on the set of "Now You See Me 3",

14. "Now You See 3".

15. During filming, actor Jesse Eisenberg,

16. accidentally used real magic on co-star, Woody Harrelson,

17. and turned him into a tree.

18. Producers say it was meant to be a hilarious pun

19. about Woody and wood that just got out of hand.

20. The original pun was very funny though.

21. - Production is on hold,

22. while Eisenberg, a noted practitioner of the dark arts,

23. otherwise, why would they put him in everything,

24. tries to figure out how to

25. change Harrelson back into his human self.

26. Woody Harrelson has the vibe of someone

27. who should have been canceled years ago

28. but remains one of the rare celebrities

29. loved by both sides of the political aisle,

30. like Dolly Parton, The Rock,

31. and Kid Rock.

32. - That's the opposite of these five celebrities

33. that both the left and the right hates.

34. Honestly, just like a list of five celebrities

35. would be a enough to really.

36. God who's famous? (people laughing)

37. - Who's famous?

38. This is like me with the birds.

39. - Oh God, let's switch.

40. Let Sam name five famous people, and I'll name five birds.

41. I'll name a hundred birds. (people laughing)

42. - Nobody wants your birds Brennan. (laughs)

43. - Please! (Carolyn laughs)

44. (sighs) Okay.

45. Just think of one famous person.

46. The, oh, oh...

47. The, sorry, The Smothers Brothers. That's two.

48. - The Smothers Brothers?

49. - Great, now name a trio, and you're done. (laughs)

50. - How old are you?

51. - I'm, okay,

52. just thinking of who the left and right hates.

53. Who are hated.

54. But if you're hated, why would you become famous?

55. Okay.

56. Singer, um. (Carolyn stifles)

57. Avril Lavigne?

58. Is she hated?

59. Oh, Chad Kroger.

60. That's her husband, right?

61. Orson Welles.

62. That's five.

63. - (sighs) I'm ashamed to say,

64. I've never seen any of the "Now You See Me" movies.

65. - They're my favorite movies.

66. I even read a leaked script of the third one.

67. - Oh yeah.

68. What's the entire plot from beginning to end?

69. - It opens with Jesse Eisenberg's character,

70. famous magician, J. Daniel Atlas,

71. intercepting a distress call from the USS Cato,

72. a mining vessel operating just outside the asteroid belt.

73. After that- (monotonous pinging music)

74. Here's the crazy part.

75. Everyone on the mining vessel tells Jesse Eisenberg

76. that everything's going great.

77. And he says, "Let me go just to make sure."

78. And he goes there and he sees that,

79. He goes to the mining vessel,

80. and they go to the drill section,

81. and he's like, "Is there a drill problem?"

82. And they're like, "No, it's actually going fine."

83. He says, "I need to see the engine."

84. And they go to the engine,

85. and they're like, "No problems here."

86. And he's like, "Huh, okay, let's see the bridge."

87. And they go to the bridge,

88. and he says, "Wait a minute, what's that?"

89. And they're like, "That's the steering wheel."

90. And... (Carolyn laughs)

91. Who's the guy in the "Now You See" movies?

92. - The Smothers Brothers.

93. - He was in the Beatles movie,

94. where are all the songs they did them again

95. with new people singing them,

96. and the woman who did the Spider-Man musical directed it.

97. - Yeah. - Julie Taymor?

98. - Yeah. - Thank you, Julie Taymor.

99. - She comes in, and then she makes them fight Spider-Man,

100. and then that's the end.

101. - Wow! Sounds right up my alley.

102. I'm a big fan of magic.

103. - Oh yeah? Do you know any magic tricks?

104. - I sure do.

105. Is this why you were doing this before?

106. - I had no clue.

107. - Like all the best magic tricks,

108. There's a really convoluted story

109. that goes along with two seconds of actual magic.

110. - Let's see it. (cards sharply tapping)

111. - Here goes. (desk sharply taps)

112. In my travels I met a very wise woman.

113. In another time, she might have been called a witch.

114. Pick a card.

115. I knew her only as Opal.

116. Show the card to everyone in the room.

117. Okay, now put your card back in the deck.

118. Opal - - It's facing the wrong.

119. Opal, no it wasn't.

120. Opal told me a secret once. (people laughing)

121. That someday

122. I would meet a tall handsome stranger,

123. who would take all of my money (Brennan stifles)

124. and most of my time. (warning chord sounds)

125. Fuck you, Doug.

126. Is this your card?

127. Seven of spades.

128. - Yeah. (stammers)

129. Wow! How'd you do it?

130. - Magic. (Brennan stifles)

131. - We go now, to Long, Silver John, (chuckles)

132. with weather for an update on last night's deadly tornado.

133. - Thanks, Stone Cold.

134. Seven people died when the tornado picked them up

135. and banged them together in midair for, like, an hour.

136. Whole hour.

137. But I actually have

138. some more important business to take care of.

139. My girlfriend Beverly is watching at home.

140. Beverly, (music stops)

141. I love you. - Aw.

142. I want to marry you. (tender piano music)

143. I remember the night we met.

144. We went to the world-famous amusement park, Kings Island,

145. and rode all 14 of their roller coasters,

146. of which I will now name five.

147. My five favorite roller coasters,

148. five, the Zippedy Doo Da,

149. four, the Zip and Slash,

150. three, Zipper,

151. two, uh,

152. How 'Bout Them Apples.

153. And we'll do number one, my favorite of them all,

154. The Absolute Ring of Burning Fire.

155. I knew from that first night

156. that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.

157. And I'm not a wealthy person. (tender piano music)

158. I couldn't even afford a ring.

159. You deserve one though.

160. I'll make you one Beverly.

161. That's how much I love you.

162. Make a ring out of something I have on me? Oh my.

163. What? (tender piano music)

164. Um okay, well, let's do this,

165. and then, you know what?

166. Let's MacGyver this thing.

167. I got my belt. (people chuckling)

168. I got all of it,

169. and then you just. (tender piano music)

170. This, so this is, this is the diamond.

171. And then, (people loudly laughing)

172. easy peasy.

173. This is for you, Beverly. I love you so much.

174. You swing it through, bam. (tender piano music)

175. It's you're really-

176. Look I know exactly your size ring,

177. and this is it. (Carolyn laughs)

178. You have to hang it there like this.

179. So this is it.

180. You're, my personal ring, from me to you.

181. Love you.

182. Look, it's not fancy,

183. but it's honest and true like me.

184. Oh, oh, Beverly,

185. I want to give you everything you deserve.

186. I want to shout my love from the rooftops.

187. I know what I'll do.

188. Debbie, could you do me a favor?

189. - Anything for love, John.

190. - I'm going to take out my actual cell phone

191. and scroll through my contacts until you tell me to stop.

192. Then I'm gonna call whatever number my finger is closest to

193. and say I'm getting married (laughs).

194. Okay, "I'm marrying Beverly. I love her so much."

195. That's what I'm gonna say over and over.

196. - That's so inspiring.

197. - There we go.

198. All right.

199. (groans) I'm ready when you are.

200. - Start scrolling.

201. Stop. - My friend,

202. (bleeps) okay.

203. And I'm calling now. Oh my god.

204. This is my old roommate, (connection ringing)

205. so this is gonna be great.

206. She's a busy person.

207. - Alfred?

208. - (bleeps) Oh my god, guess what?

209. - (laughs) Hi.

210. How are you? - Hello, guess what?

211. I'm getting married.

212. - What? - I'm marrying Beverly.

213. I love her so, so much.

214. - What is happening right now? (chuckling)

215. - I'm getting married.

216. Save the date, it's coming soon.

217. - Wait. - Uh, bye.

218. - What did they say? (chuckling)

219. - They said what? (warning chord sounds)

220. What is happening right right now?

221. And I hung up on them.

222. - What a story.

223. Congratulations Long, Silver John.

224. - Gosh, that was nice.

225. Let's keep things light.

226. We're goin' on to our very own

227. song parody artist, Weird Al Spankmydick

228. for some music. (Alfred chuckles)

229. - I don't like where this is going.

230. Thanks Stone Cold.

231. - Oh, of course.

232. You're so well known for your song parodies about food.

233. What tasty treats will today's parody be about?

234. - Well, I'm really deep into Coldplay,

235. and you know that song

236. from one of Coldplay's original albums, "Yellow"?

237. - "The Scientist"?

238. - No, the song "Yellow".

239. - Oh, the song "Yellow" from the album.

240. - From the album "Parachutes", I believe?

241. - Sure, yeah, "Yellow"? - Mm-hm.

242. - I would've picked something that rhymes a little easier,

243. but that's okay.

244. - It's a big mess of static fear, Brennan.

245. - For sure. There isn't much critical,

246. critical work going on in my head right now.

247. - I understand, one of my favorites.

248. And of course you'll be parodying a song

249. that I've seen you sing blindfolded at karaoke.

250. I think (chuckles) the- (warning chord sounds)

251. - Yes, so yes. - Yes.

252. - So I was supposed to do something different

253. with the prompt above?

254. - Well, I think it was supposed to be about food,

255. and now they're gonna give you a song.

256. - Got it.

257. - But also doing a parody of "Yellow"

258. to the tune of "One Week" by the Bare Naked Ladies

259. is also a fun way to go.

260. - I know it by heart.

261. And I know the words to this parody of it even better.

262. - What a treat it will be.

263. You may begin. (tense music)

264. - It's been one week since I listened to "Yellow".

265. Oh my god.

266. It's been one week. (mumbles)

267. Put my arms to the side and said the scientist,

268. five days since you laughed

269. at a rush of blood to the head,

270. Chiggity China,

271. the Chinese X and Y.

272. I'm already embarrassed that I know this much about Coldplay

273. or Barenaked Ladies.

274. I don't come out lookin' good here at all.

275. You have a drumstick and your brain stops lickin

276. watchin' Coldplay with no lights on.

277. We're dans la maison I hope the Smoking Man's in this one,

278. like Harrison Ford, but I'm getting Coldplay

279. - Sorry. - Sorry Mr. Spankmydick.

280. Can I stop you here?

281. - Uh, I was just getting going.

282. - I just wanna take a moment to comment

283. on the melody of this song,

284. a requirement for fair use under copyright law.

285. I find this melody fair use?

286. - As do I. This song is very fair use.

287. All right, please continue the music.

288. - Gonna make a break and take a fake.

289. I like a steak and egg and Coldplay.

290. I like vanilla. It's the finest of the flavors.

291. Gonna see the show, 'cause then you know

292. the vertigo is gonna Coldplay,

293. 'cause it's so dangerous you have to sign a waiver.

294. I'll keep going. (upbeat rock music)

295. Can I help it when I get funny when you're mad.

296. Trying hard not to smile though I feel Coldplay.

297. I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a Coldplay.

298. Can't understand what I mean?

299. Well you soon Coldplay.

300. I'm sweating. (music ends)

301. - Wow, all perfect rhymes.

302. - That's all the time we have. (busy newsroom music)

303. But before we go, we'll tell you that

304. tonight's loser is Sam. (ascending chords music)

305. As punishment,

306. they have to call the most recent number dialed,

307. and tell whoever answers that they love Beverly.

308. - Gonna be strange to call my wife, and tell her that

309. I love Beverly. (Alfred laughing)

310. - Lover?

311. - Hi babe.

312. I just wanted to let you know that I love Beverly.

313. - You love Beverly?

314. - I love Beverly. (many laughing)

315. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

316. But the connection between Beverly and I is too strong.