Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 5x15

Directed by

Carolyn Page as Rat Toobin • Mike Trapp as Lionel Ass • Lily Du as Sarah Clams • Brennan Lee Mulligan as Thomas Tickle • Candice Warring-Greene as Self

Carolyn, Trapp, Lily, and Brennan go in on the miserable shithole that is Austin.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - From West Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team that doesn't know

3. what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

5. This is Breaking News.

6. - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News,

7. the show where we don't know what we're about to say

8. and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

9. I'm Rat Toobin.

10. - I'm Lionel Ass. (alarm sounding)

11. Our top story tonight,

12. I just sold my startup and I'm movin' to Austin.

13. America's most overrated city

14. just got itself another young, rich guy

15. who thinks he's a genius.

16. - We here at Breaking News,

17. are all very happy to see Lionel leave,

18. and expect that he'll do very well in Austin,

19. a city that only looks good

20. in comparison to the rest of Texas.

21. Why don't you tell us about your company?

22. - For sure.

23. I like to describe it as Uber, but for water bottles.

24. - Oh, that's interesting.

25. What would you say the top seven features of it are?

26. - I'm so glad you asked.

27. So, it's available anywhere, which is great

28. if you need a water bottle like that.

29. It's cheap, which is to say it's affordable,

30. not that it's a bad product. It's available now.

31. If you go, if you open up your app store right now

32. and search for "Uber, but for water bottles,"

33. it might be there.

34. - That's the search term for it?

35. - Yeah, Just search for, you'll find it.

36. I don't have to tell you the name of the company.

37. You all know what it is. You know what?

38. It cures cancer, why not? (alarm briefly sounding)

39. Let's just say it does. Prove me wrong.

40. I mean, I can say anything, I guess.

41. Sure, it'll bring pandas back from the brink of extinction.

42. It will show you unconditional love,

43. and (stumbles over words)

44. no one's ever found the end of it.

45. That's right, the end of the app, it doesn't exist.

46. - Sounds useful. I'm a bit of an app aficionado myself.

47. - Really? Why don't you grab your phone,

48. and tell us

49. what your five most-recently downloaded apps are,

50. and why you thought you needed them so badly.

51. - Oh, my pleasure.

52. How do I find that out, even?

53. (Lionel sarcastically squeals) - Go to the app store?

54. - App store.

55. - Go to your Apple ID?

56. App store.

57. - And then search for "Uber, but for water bottles."

58. - Uh-huh, uh-huh. (Lily laughing)

59. Let's see, I downloaded Coinbase,

60. 'cause I'm getting into crypto.

61. I downloaded

62. Mutility, 'cause I needed a new

63. fucking Magic the Gathering counter app.

64. I downloaded Headspace, because my boyfriend told me to,

65. and I re-downloaded Lyft because it wasn't loading

66. and I thought there was a problem with it,

67. and I re-downloaded it,

68. and Fly Delta.

69. - Of course. Now, I'll be honest.

70. This whole thing makes me feel like my idol,

71. Mark Zuckerberg, what a guy.

72. He's a billionaire, who's more responsible for

73. our current dystopia than any single, living person.

74. And yet, somehow, I still feel bad for him?

75. What a paradox.

76. - Totally. You know that picture of him,

77. where he forgot to rub in his sunscreen?

78. - Yes. - Like he's an eight-year-old,

79. who's too excited to be at the water park?

80. - Yes, I do. I love it.

81. In fact, I'm going to recreate it now,

82. with this sunscreen, right now.

83. The very sunscreen that you see in my hands.

84. - Brand neutral sunscreen.

85. - Yeah. Yeah, the picture, it's just,

86. it's as if, you know in Mrs. Doubtfire,

87. when Rob Williams smashes his face

88. into a cake, and it's—

89. Yeah, It's like that, but all over an entire body.

90. I heard a rumor, that he did this

91. because he thought it would disguise him from paparazzi,

92. which I think is very funny and very insane.

93. (loudly declaring) Oh, Hey look at that.

94. - You look like Mrs. Doubtfire,

95. trying to fool the Child Welfare Agency.

96. Great movie.

97. Speaking of which, let's go Sarah Clams

98. with a preview of the upcoming films.

99. - Thanks, Rat. First though, I wanna say

100. that Austin, Texas is a beautiful city,

101. whose residents aren't a bunch of self-righteous hicks,

102. who only move there to weasel out of paying income tax.

103. And also it's opposite day.

104. Movie theaters are offering incentives to attract customers

105. back to the screens.

106. Patrons were scared away by the COVID-19 crisis,

107. and the fact that theaters

108. are basically the game "Duck Hunt" for mass shooters.

109. Bam, bam. When they gonna getcha.

110. The nation's largest chain, AMC,

111. will let customers drink the butter.

112. Regal Theaters are just saying, "Fuck it,"

113. and letting customers sign in to their Netflix,

114. and Cinemark is doing HJs.

115. Remember Cinemark? No, you don't.

116. That's why they need to do HJs.

117. - Remember HJs? (alarm sounding)

118. - The chains are putting a lot of hope into Marvel movies,

119. even though they're clearly past their prime.

120. Disney has announced Phase 4 of the series,

121. and a source has actually leaked me the plans

122. for three movies in Phase 5.

123. God, they have all our favorite Marvel super heroes

124. meeting and dating.

125. They have Dr. Strange.

126. Remember Dr. Strange? Creepy.

127. He's dating Black Widow in a new movie.

128. And then also,

129. what's his name?

130. - No one tell her.

131. - Hawkeye. That was a trick question,

132. I knew it all along.

133. Hawkeye, we finally see how his kids are doing.

134. You know how he's always, he's leaving,

135. and then he's coming back and he's moving his family?

136. Now we get to see them in high school,

137. and boy, let me tell ya, they're fucked up emotionally.

138. And the third movie, Ant Man, he gets lost in a urethra.

139. Okay, those are the three.

140. - How do you get lost in a urethra?

141. - It seems like it's kinda— - Straight Shot.

142. - He thought he was going out,

143. but he keeps goin' deeper in.

144. - You turn around in the very beginning and then it's just—

145. It's a very cluttered urethra, with a lot of stuff going on.

146. - Yeah, it's Grant's urethra.

147. - Grant's urethra, that makes sense, then, yeah. Grant Man.

148. (alarm briefly sounding) - (wheezing) No!

149. - That's very interesting. (alarm briefly sounding)

150. - No, no, no!

151. - Will there be any new DC movies?

152. - There will.

153. They're just gonna keep trying to make Superman work.

154. This time, Superman

155. is played by

156. the lanky guy from Succession.

157. (Carolyn chuckling) - Cousin Greg?

158. - Yes. (alarm sounding)

159. Nicholas Braun is playing Superman.

160. They're trying to do a wacky reboot.

161. Like Superman, but he's frickin' awkward.

162. Hopefully, it's enough to save movie theaters.

163. Except for Austin's Alamo Draft House,

164. which everyone creams themselves over,

165. 'cause it had the novel idea of offering movies and snacks,

166. proving, once again, that the rubes in Texas

167. will be impressed by anything.

168. - Thanks, Sarah.

169. We now go to Weather with Thomas Tickle.

170. - I'm sorry, I can't do the weather.

171. I'm still blown away

172. that anyone would willingly move to Austin, Texas.

173. I hate Austin.

174. I hate Austin so much, that I've invited a special guest,

175. real person, Candice Warring-Greene to join us via Zoom.

176. Ms. Warring-Greene, are you with us?

177. - Yep. I am.

178. - Ma'am, you are a real resident of East Austin, correct?

179. - That's right.

180. - And you were recently awarded

181. the mayor's spurs to the city

182. for your work creating safe play areas at libraries

183. for children whose parents needed help finding childcare.

184. This led the Austin statesman

185. to call you the mother of Austin.

186. And one of the city's most beloved residents.

187. Is that correct?

188. - You are correct.

189. - Sorry, Ms. Warring-Greene,

190. I'm just

191. (Rat stifling laughter) gearing up to say the next

192. line from the prompter.

193. I just also want to, on a personal note,

194. thank you for all of the work you do,

195. and it really is special to meet people

196. that are devoting themselves

197. to making the world a better place,

198. rather than parading all of their misanthropic opinions

199. on teleprompters to their friends.

200. I'm gonna read this text now.

201. This is what the teleprompter says.

202. - Such a baby.

203. - Does it make you sad, that you work so hard

204. to help children, who are stuck living in a garbage place?

205. One of your playgrounds is at Barton Springs.

206. It's naturally fed pool, that's popular with locals,

207. even though it's freezing cold and nobody cleans it.

208. Do you think if the land-locked dummies in Austin

209. ever saw a real ocean, they'd be so overwhelmed,

210. they'd die of a heart attack?

211. Speaking of heart attacks, Texas barbecue sucks.

212. Could someone please teach your morons about sauce?

213. Every plate of Texas barbecue

214. tastes like the person that made it,

215. bland and forgettable. (Candice sighing)

216. I don't believe that.

217. - Ha ha ha, yeah. Hey lady, where you live sucks.

218. I'm sorry.

219. - I'm glad I'm not anything like you.

220. - One of the largest drivers,

221. again, this is all from the prompter.

222. One of the largest drivers

223. of the local economy is the University of Texas,

224. which is embroiled in controversy,

225. because they used minstrel music as their fight song.

226. Are they not changing it

227. because the students there are too stupid to learn a new song,

228. or are they just that racist?

229. - I wanna do one. (Thomas snorting)

230. Austin 6th Street is a popular nightlife district,

231. even though it's just 50 identical bars

232. that all look vaguely like a rodeo.

233. It's like the whole city went to a Kid Rock concert in 1999

234. and said, that'll be our aesthetic forever.

235. Not a question, more of a comment, I guess.

236. - Lots of corporations and C-list celebrities

237. are locating to Austin for the tax laws.

238. It's basically the Cayman Islands for white people.

239. The city also just outlawed homelessness.

240. It's a whole town of Ebenezer Scrooges,

241. before he met the ghosts, except Scrooge dressed better,

242. and didn't have so many suspicious moles.

243. - Now, I'm going to say three things

244. I don't like about Austin,

245. and they're going to be very mean,

246. or the director won't let me move on.

247. Okay, three mean things about Austin.

248. When I went, the delicious sweet tea I had,

249. they ran out of, and there wasn't enough, and that stinks,

250. that they ran out of that great, great sweet tea.

251. The thriving, artistic community there

252. didn't embrace me immediately

253. and make me stay there.

254. And instead I had to leave at the end of my vacation.

255. And number three,

256. Torchy's Tacos shuts down too early.

257. What if I want a breakfast taco at night?

258. Ever heard of that?

259. Finally, could you all get over the cowboy boots thing?

260. They cost $700, and they're wicked-uncomfortable.

261. You look like you're cosplaying as Woody from Toy Story,

262. except Woody took care of Andy,

263. who grew up to be an interesting person,

264. unlike all the kids who have the misfortune

265. of being from your hometown.

266. Enjoy the rest of your day.

267. I'm sorry it'll be in Austin. (Lionel laughing)

268. - Thanks for having me.

269. - That's it for Breaking News,

270. but before we go, we'll tell you that tonight's loser is me.

271. Their punishment will be eating a plate of Texas BBQ

272. and roasting it!

273. (gasps) Gimme! Oh, it smells bad.

274. Mm, oh, it smells terrible.

275. Oh, yeah, look at that.

276. - Look at that horrible brisket. Oh, man.

277. - Oh, it smells like shit. Oh, my god.

278. I bet the cow who made this fuckin' sucked dick.

279. Oh, so gross.

280. - The cow who made this. (audience and Lionel laughing)