Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 5x14

Directed by

Christine Medrano as Stacy Drugs • Amy Vorpahl as Robert Pattinson's Batman • Alfred Aquino II as Doctor Chocolate • Sam Reich as Cap'n Jim

Christine Medrano, Amy Vorpahl, Alfred Aquino II, and Sam Reich fish and honey pot for laughs.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - From West Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team that doesn't know

3. what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

5. This is Breaking News.

6. - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News.

7. The show where we don't know what we're about to say

8. and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

9. I'm Stacy Drugs.

10. - And I'm Robert Patinson's Batman.

11. Show me the clues.

12. - Our top story tonight, a scandal has,

13. rocked another Titan of American industry

14. as Burt, from Burt's Bees has been indicted.

15. - Oh, no. No.

16. I am the world's greatest,

17. I am the world's greatest detective.

18. I solve crimes with my fists.

19. - A spokesperson for the company has denied,

20. any wrongdoing on part of Burt.

21. The CEO Burt,

22. the 10 board members whose names all rhyme with Burt,

23. which I can list now.

24. Kurt,

25. Furt,

26. Lanurt,

27. Thanurt,

28. Dirt, just Dirt, just Dirt as a name.

29. Hurt

30. - Plus

31. - Hurt plus

32. Rurch

33. Belanurt.

34. - Riddle me this, what's scarier than darkness?

35. Bats!

36. - For his part,

37. Burt has remained mostly silent on the charge,

38. which is of course,

39. honey laundering.

40. - Jim Gordon is my friend.

41. - Burt is also under fire for allegations

42. that he goes to hives at nights

43. and scoops up big handfuls of honey

44. like a big hungry bear.

45. Security footage shows that he did,

46. a Winnie-the-Pooh impression the entire time.

47. The footage is locked by court

48. but I'll re-enact it for you now.

49. - Oh no.

50. I'm very rich and very sad.

51. My Butler's name is Alfred.

52. I have a bat mobile.

53. I have a batarang.

54. I have a bat cave.

55. I love.

56. I love.

57. I don't love Lois Lane, that's the other guy.

58. I think.

59. - (inaudible)

60. - Thanks Stacy.

61. You know, cardiovascular disease is one

62. of the leading health risks in America.

63. It's important to make sure

64. you're getting your heart rate up every day.

65. One of the best ways to do that is by getting scared.

66. I recommend all my patients watch a scary video like this.

67. Oh no.

68. Okay.

69. Please.

70. - Oh, no.

71. - Internet activity, concentrating really hard,

72. and then

73. - Yeah. Ooh

74. - Doctor, I'm worried about my sugar intake.

75. Do you have any advice for me?

76. - Absolutely.

77. Glucose interacts with the electrical signals

78. to your heart by...

79. the, you know, electricity.

80. So you can deal with those,

81. by

82. rubber.

83. - Interesting.

84. I have a family history of ventricle tachychardia.

85. Can you tell me what it is and how to prevent it?

86. - Certainly,

87. venticular trichotomy.

88. There's you know the I'm gonna break down the words for you.

89. Ventricular there's vents.

90. It goes through your body.

91. It's a thing where your body,

92. there's too many vents in it.

93. There's too many holes in your body,

94. so you gotta just not breathe.

95. Keep it all in.

96. And it's, you know,

97. just live your life to the fullest.

98. - One last question,

99. I hate diet and exercise.

100. Is there some sort of

101. quack science you can recommend for lazy people like me?

102. - You bet there is.

103. Introducing Dr. Chocolate's heart healer.

104. It's a cattle prod that you electrocute yourself with,

105. electricity, baby.

106. The electrical current resets

107. your natural heart rhythms

108. by stimulating neurological impulses.

109. - Interesting. Can you demonstrate

110. by shocking yourself on the wrist with it?

111. - Certainly.

112. - I have to assume this has been vetted by somebody.

113. - How bad is this gonna hurt?

114. Do I just press this button and then do it?

115. - (inaudible)

116. - Thanks doctor

117. - With great power comes great responsibility. Aunt May!

118. - We'll go now to chip, Captain Jim

119. here to give us some tips

120. on how to get fish to bite when we're

121. out and about this summer.

122. Captain, how's the water?

123. - Oh, it's a beautiful day out here, Stacy.

124. The fish are biting

125. and these are some beautiful boats,

126. rolling through the inlet.

127. - Oh, that sounds great.

128. I wish I knew more about boating.

129. What's the difference between a monohull and a cat?

130. - Well, A monohull comes from the Latin,

131. mono as in one, and hull as in,

132. hull.

133. Whereas a cat

134. is an animal.

135. So they are in fact completely different things.

136. One hull,

137. a cat.

138. - Aha, and how about-

139. the difference between a cat and a pontoon?

140. - Well, I feel like I've been over the cat part.

141. A cat is a feline animal

142. and therefore completely separate and distinct

143. from a pontoon,

144. which comes from the Latin

145. pon,

146. meaning

147. pond, a small body of water,

148. and toon, meaning animated.

149. An animated body of water, versus a feline species,

150. completely different things.

151. Only vaguely to do, either of which with,

152. boats.

153. - I am Groot.

154. - You know, folks, even though today is lovely,

155. you won't always have such nice conditions out on the water.

156. A proper fishermen should be able to

157. catch fish blindfolded,

158. and I'm,

159. oh boy, a proper fisherman.

160. So to demonstrate

161. I'm going to blindfold myself, right now,

162. and do some fishing.

163. - Terrific.

164. - Now these waters behind me are protected though,

165. so instead of catching trout,

166. I have a really long pole.

167. Long enough to reach Amy.

168. At the end of it is a string,

169. and at the end of the string is licorice.

170. The other newscasters are gonna direct me while

171. I use this pole to feed Amy, a little bite,

172. of candy.

173. - Oh, oh goody goody gumdrops.

174. - Let's do glasses over the blindfold.

175. Okay, stay in character Sam.

176. Okay, long pole.

177. I didn't even get a good look at this,

178. I vaguely know it's in my hands.

179. - To the left, to the left.

180. - To the left?

181. - Yeah, there you go. There we go.

182. - Okay, well there's a pole in the way-

183. - There's obstacles so you're going to.

184. - And then forward

185. - Forward.

186. - Little more, your left.

187. - My left?

188. - Yeah.

189. - There you go.

190. Well there's you might wanna go over that, so up.

191. - Up.

192. - Left

193. - Left

194. - Down.

195. - Yep.

196. - Very nice.

197. - There we go, straight, yeah, straight, yeah.

198. - Yeah then straight ahead, you're smooth sailing.

199. - A little more right for you.

200. - Yeah that's perfect.

201. - Bat red vine.

202. - Okay, forward, forward.

203. You're almost there,

204. maybe like another few steps.

205. - You are so close.

206. - Down now look down, lower.

207. - To your right, to your right.

208. - To my right.

209. - There you go, yeah.

210. - Stop playing with me.

211. Stop playing with me

212. - And more up

213. - up

214. - Down a lot

215. - Down a lot.

216. - There you go.

217. - (inaudible) Captain.

218. Great work.

219. You can take your blindfold off now.

220. - There you go.

221. - See how easy that was.

222. I hope that helps on the high seas.

223. Was this the voice I'm doing before?

224. I sure hope so.

225. - Thanks captain.

226. Well, that does it for us.

227. But before we go,

228. we'll tell you that today's loser is...

229. Amy.

230. And as punishment they'll have to eat licorice,

231. while they shock themselves with a cattle prod.

232. - Ooh, pull and peel, you don't do that often.

233. - Not red vines at all.