Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 5x13

Directed by

Carolyn Page as Clifford California • Sam Reich as Homo Simpson • Grant O'Brien as Luigi Di Beppo • Erika Ishii as Mary Sugarshirt • Brennan Lee Mulligan as Ryan Beans

Sam, Carolyn, Erika, and Brennan's broadcast is crashed by an unexpected visitor.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - From West Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team that doesn't know

3. what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

5. This is "Breaking News".

6. - Hello, and welcome to "Breaking News".

7. The show where we don't know what we're about to say,

8. and we aren't allowed to laugh or smile.

9. I'm Clifford California.

10. - And I'm Homo Simpson.

11. A tanker ship full of soap has run aground

12. in the Puget Sound off the coast of Seattle.

13. The ship, the largest of its kind, ran aground.

14. Mi scusi

15. - (Erika laughs) What?

16. Mi scusi

17. Mi scusi, mi scusi

18. - Che?

19. Mi scusi

20. - Ah, this is my...

21. This is my tailor, Luigi Di Beppo.

22. I asked him to come in and make custom suits for everyone.

23. I'm sick of this news team looking like shit.

24. We'll keep the newscast going though.

25. Mi scusi, mi scusi

26. - The tanker was full of split pea with ham soup,

27. the soup with the largest tastiness-to-grossness

28. lookingness ratio.

29. Mi scusi

30. President Biden has said that split pea soup

31. is his absolute favorite

32. because it's the old-timeiest of the major soups,

33. and that dude is old.

34. - So old.

35. I mean, listen, he's obviously better than Trump,

36. but we're all clear that he's at best half dead, right?

37. Mi scusi

38. Mi scusi

39. - Thank you. I don't think he knows what scuzi means.

40. (Carolyn clears throat) At best.

41. Watching Biden give a speech

42. is like watching a baby play Jenga.

43. You know, at some point everything is gonna fall apart.

44. Si, si, si, mi scusi

45. - I don't make that means "up."

46. Mi scusi

47. The EPA says that while... (Carolyn gasping)

48. Mi scusi

49. Put these on.

50. Mi scusi

51. Got it, no problem, gonna do that.

52. The EPA says that while the soup

53. will be devastating to the local environment,

54. it's oh so savory, just like mom used to make.

55. Mi scusi

56. Boy, I miss that home cooking.

57. Yeah, no problem.

58. - Ew. - This is totally normal

59. thing that tailors do.

60. The seven best things my parents cooked for me

61. when I was a kid were...

62. Mi scusi

63. In the backpack?

64. Absolutely, because little boys carry backpacks to school

65. full of bricks,

66. and that has everything to do with tailoring.

67. The best things my parents cooked for me when I was a kid

68. were spaghetti and...

69. Go that's so heavy, that is unbelievably heavy.

70. Garlic bread.

71. - Do it faster, more bricks are coming.

72. - Shepherd's Pie, we had a nice taco night, a beef stew.

73. Mi scusi

74. Oh, oh my God.

75. My mom made a great lemon poppy-seed tea cake.

76. One time she tried to make a blooming onion,

77. like the type from Chili's,

78. and it worked out remarkably well

79. but we never did it again.

80. No problem.

81. Whoop, 'kay, and finally...

82. Mi scusi

83. Sit down wearing all of them.

84. Mi scusi

85. You could have learned one more phrase in Italian.

86. Si! (Erika laughing)

87. And finally, cereal.

88. - It's a shame to see it happen to our fair city.

89. I love it here.

90. If you ever...

91. - Mi scusi - If you ever get a chance

92. to spend a weekend in Seattle,

93. here's how to do it my way.

94. Mi scusi

95. My ideal weekend in Seattle

96. starts with an early morning walk around the seaport,

97. Mi scusi

98. then getting a nice coffee...

99. Mi scusi

100. Yep, yep, you're scusi-ed.

101. Followed by, I don't know anything about Seattle.

102. Mi scusi

103. Looking at that pointy building and then some chowder?

104. - Sure.

105. - Do they do chowder there?

106. - It's a coastal town, I bet there is chowder.

107. - All right, let's do chowder, and then seafood,

108. and then I don't know, a show, a musical show.

109. - Why not. - Mi scusi, mi scusi

110. - Yup, yup, yup.

111. - Hey baby, I hear the blues a callin'.

112. - Thank you.

113. We'll now go to Mary Sugarshirt with weather.

114. Mary, how are we looking this weekend?

115. - It's gonna be a scorcher, Clifford.

116. Believe it or not,

117. it's because of increased solar flare activity.

118. I'm something of an astronomy buff myself.

119. - Oh, me too.

120. Would you like to answer some astronomy trivia?

121. - Oh yes, please.

122. - Great. My tailor is an astronomy buff too.

123. Mi scusi

124. For every question you get wrong,

125. he's going to hand you a very heavy book

126. that you won't be allowed to put down.

127. - Amazing. - Mi scusi

128. - Now, what is the only spacecraft ever to visit Uranus?

129. - The Discovery.

130. - The correct answer is Voyager.

131. - Mi scusi - So sorry.

132. How many planets can be seen with the naked eye from Earth?

133. - Three.

134. Mi scusi

135. - The answer is in fact five.

136. Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn.

137. That's one more book for you. (Erika laughing)

138. Which planets in the solar system have no moons?

139. Mi scusi

140. The answer is not nothing.

141. It is in fact, Mercury and Venus.

142. - I'm so sorry. I hate to interrupt.

143. But wouldn't this be more effective

144. if your tailor handed Mary three heavy books

145. for every wrong answer?

146. - You know something, you're right.

147. What are the four largest moons of Jupiter?

148. - Europa, Io, and (Erika mumbles) that's it.

149. That's the two of 'em.

150. Mi scusi

151. - Remarkably good answer.

152. They are Europa, Ganymede, Callisto and Io.

153. What planet is known as the evening star?

154. - Venus, it's Venus.

155. - The correct answer is in fact, Venus.

156. Way to go. - Aw.

157. - You disappointed my tailor.

158. And on the subject of Venus,

159. take 30 seconds and describe in detail NASA's plans

160. for an upcoming visit to Venus.

161. - As far as I know, there are no plans to visit Venus.

162. Space is now the purview of billionaires.

163. - No idea if you're right about that,

164. so why don't you hold onto the rest of those books anyway.

165. Mi scusi

166. - Perfect.

167. - Finally, tonight, we'll go to Ryan Beans with sports.

168. - And Ryan,

169. you're more in need of a new suit than any of us.

170. So Luigi is gonna do his special measurements for you.

171. Mi scusi

172. - Sounds great.

173. - This might be my last day working at CollegeHumor.

174. Well, the college football season is heating up...

175. (Brennan laughing) Is that a mistake?

176. After a national title last year.

177. Can Alabama reclaim the crown?

178. It's something of a rebuilding year in Tuscaloosa

179. as the Tide lost many of their superstars to the NFL draft.

180. Over in the ACC,

181. Clemson continues its dominance over the league.

182. Coach Dabo Swinney

183. is running roughshod over his competitors,

184. but if Notre Dame finally joins the way,

185. they've been threatening to,

186. The Tigers could have some competitions.

187. The best pre-season quarterback

188. is no doubt Oklahoma's Spencer Rattler.

189. After a...

190. Oh, it's different settings.

191. After a slow start last year,

192. he led the Sooners

193. to an absolutely dominant back half of the season

194. in the Big 12 last year.

195. He is this year's prohibitive favorite

196. for the Heisman trophy.

197. Finally, the Big 10 is trying to recover.

198. What is it have to do with tailoring?

199. The Big 10 is trying to recover after a down year

200. in which some legacy programs suffered their worst losses

201. in quite some time. (horn honking)

202. Sources say that Penn State Coach James Franklin

203. has a foot out the door,

204. making him one of a number of coaches hanging on by a...

205. Hanging on by a thread in the east.

206. And lest we forget the PAC 12 remains terrible.

207. Back to you in the studio.

208. (cymbals bangs) Damn it.

209. - Thanks Ryan.

210. - That's it for us.

211. But before we go,

212. we'll tell you that tonight's loser is Erika.

213. As punishment,

214. they have to accept this $50 gift card

215. to the Macy's men's store for new suiting.

216. Because sometimes, things can be nice.

217. Mi scusi

218. - I could have used a new suit.