Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 5x12

Directed by

Katie Marovitch as Amanda Hugankiss • Mike Trapp as Old Enough To Remember • Erika Ishii as Captain Cod • Sam Reich as Wolf Marinate

Katie, Trapp, Erika and Sam discuss how to survive a bad date, sharks, and being in the wilderness.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - From West Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team that doesn't know

3. what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

5. This is Breaking News.

6. - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News.

7. The show where we don't know what we're about to say,

8. and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

9. I'm Amanda Huganki-

10. Hugankiss.

11. - And I'm old enough to remember Amanda Hugankiss

12. being a joke on the Simpsons in 1994.

13. Death and worse,

14. irrelevance, seem closer every passing day.

15. Our top story tonight,

16. Yelp is launching a dating service

17. for the awful misanthropes who use their site.

18. - Oh, I love Yelp.

19. - Me too.

20. I like knowing that if I leave anything

21. other than a five star review,

22. I've materially contributed to the ongoing immiseration

23. of shift workers and that they're literally powerless

24. to defend themselves against my thoughtless cruelty.

25. - The other day I left two stars for a coffee shop

26. where I said the service wasn't friendly enough

27. because for a $1 tip, I expected my snatch worked like.

28. - I read ahead.

29. - Then you're gonna love Yelp Date.

30. It's a service that matches you with other Yelp users,

31. based on how prick-ish and unreasonable you seem

32. in your essays

33. about how your table didn't have a nice enough view.

34. I like to think of them as 500 assholes.

35. Boy,

36. I wish I'd had Yelp Date

37. before I went on the worst date of my life.

38. Let me think here.

39. - Just make one up.

40. - Who's gonna know.

41. - So,

42. one time I,

43. we were supposed to go to a restaurant,

44. but the, the reservations fell through.

45. So we just ended up going to the dorm room

46. and watching Mind of Mencia against my wishes.

47. - You know, I'd go out on a date with you.

48. - Oh yeah.

49. - Yeah.

50. But I'm a terrible date, ask anyone.

51. - Now, what would we do?

52. - I'd start off the night arriving

53. two hours late.

54. - Okay.

55. - The whole time I'd be calling you and saying,

56. "I'm almost there, Just give me literally a minute."

57. - Great. So I wouldn't go anywhere.

58. - So you wouldn't go anywhere. - Terrific

59. - And then every five minutes,

60. "I'm almost there. Just give me a minute."

61. This goes on for two hours.

62. I pick you up,

63. (chuckling) two hours late.

64. The whole time I'm in a terrible mood.

65. - Why are you in a bad mood?

66. - Crying.

67. And I won't, every time you try to ask me, I say,

68. "It's none of your business. Stop it.

69. Okay.

70. I don't wanna talk about it."

71. And then anytime you don't ask about it, I say,

72. "Don't you care about me?

73. Why aren't (laughing) you asking you what's wrong with me?"

74. And then that goes on for two more hours.

75. And then I get tired,

76. I fall asleep wherever we are.

77. - Behind the wheel?

78. - Behind the wheel.

79. And then you have to, you have to go home.

80. You have to walk home.

81. - Well, I wasn't in the car

82. when you fell asleep (laughing) behind the wheel?

83. - No.

84. - Where was I?

85. (woman and audience laughing) - Fuck you! Fuck you!

86. - Well that sounds rough.

87. - Oh yeah. I'm a nightmare, baby.

88. - We'll go now Captain Cod.

89. an Old Sea Salt here.

90. What am I saying?

91. We'll go now, Captain Cod,

92. an Old Sea Salt here,

93. to tell us how he plans to catch the shark

94. that's been terrorizing the town.

95. - Aye, you ye know me.

96. You know how I earn a living.

97. I'll find her for ya,

98. but you have to pay up.

99. Hey!

100. - Oh no.

101. - I don't have fingernails

102. because I actually know how to finger a woman.

103. - Excuse me.

104. - I'm sorry.

105. - You land folk have soft hands,

106. rich boy hands, never done a day of work in your life.

107. I'll catch this fish and I'll kill it,

108. but it ain't gonna be easy.

109. - Captain.

110. Why don't you draw us a diagram

111. of how you'll catch this great white.

112. - Hey,

113. aint nothing great about her.

114. Wait.

115. Now, here's me plan.

116. What we're gonna do here is,

117. we're gonna, this is the shark.

118. Wait. No.

119. Yeah do.

120. All right.

121. - There you go.

122. - Here's the shark.

123. - This is just like in Jaws.

124. - So what we're gonna do

125. is we get,

126. just a fucking aircraft carrier of a ship.

127. - You're gonna need a bigger board.

128. - Yeah, yeah, I know.

129. We just nuke it.

130. We nuke that motherfucker,

131. straight to kingdom come.

132. This is a bomb. It's a very-

133. then the shark the,

134. we collect the smithereens.

135. Aye, that's the plan.

136. - Captain that's a little simplistic.

137. - Don't you tell me simple!

138. I've been out on the blue, since you was nothing but a fry,

139. which is the name for a baby fish.

140. Been out long enough

141. that I learned me some shanties.

142. Like this one. Oh my God. Really? Okay.

143. Fuck! Fuck!

144. - Is Erika trying to remember - Captain.

145. - the one shanty she knows.

146. - Captain.

147. - No, no, no

148. you're gonna sit and listen to me shanty.

149. - Captain.

150. - I remember the tune of that TikTok one.

151. - No. - That's beginners shanty

152. this is-

153. - Yes.

154. - You'd do very well on TikTok.

155. - Ahoy!

156. I don't know what TikTok is.

157. - Fair enough.

158. - I'm old enough to understand that Jaws reference too.

159. One day I'll die and so will everyone who knew me

160. and it will be like, I was never even here.

161. We'll turn now to Wolf Marinade,

162. who here to give us some survival tips

163. if we ever find ourselves stranded in nature.

164. - The wilderness.

165. Everything you need to know is right there in the name,

166. wilder-ness.

167. It's wilder out there.

168. If you ever find yourself in a situation

169. where it's you versus nature, you wanna be prepared.

170. Food can be hard to come by,

171. and this is no time to be dainty about what you eat.

172. Meat is the best source of calories and protein,

173. which your body will need.

174. To catch small game.

175. You can make a trap out of some reeds.

176. Like these.

177. I'll show you how to make a rudimentary snare

178. to trap small animals.

179. Now you might be saying to yourself,

180. these are really just sticks.

181. How on earth would that turn into a sophisticated trap?

182. And I'm glad you asked.

183. What you're gonna wanna do is,

184. you're gonna wanna start by putting one of these sticks

185. on the ground,

186. right? Just like that,

187. pretend that this is the groun-

188. pretend I'm tangled.

189. Pretend that this is ground level.

190. Then with one of these other sticks,

191. you are going to want to

192. tie it, just like sort of this

193. in order so that when the animal

194. enters the first one of these sticks,

195. you'll be able to pull it

196. and once you pull it.

197. And then with these, this third stick,

198. you're gonna wanna eat this one

199. because there's no way on earth this is working

200. that's food.

201. But in survival situations, dehydration is a killer.

202. There's a chance you'll find yourself

203. in an area with no fresh water.

204. That doesn't mean you're out of luck though.

205. There's always a water source nearby.

206. This one.

207. I see you read ahead Wilderness.

208. You've read the next line.

209. - Oh baby.

210. - Oh baby

211. - Grant O'Brien you little wiener.

212. This is human urine.

213. The risks posed by drinking your own urine

214. are very small in comparison to dehydration.

215. You want to be careful drinking someone else's.

216. In this case though,

217. the urine has been sterilized.

218. So it's perfectly safe for me to drink on camera.

219. - Oh God.

220. - I'll have a swig of it right now

221. to show you

222. that it's not dangerous.

223. - It certainly couldn't be worse than a hot dog smoothie.

224. - What is this?

225. - Urine.

226. - Sterilized urine?

227. - It's sterilized urine.

228. - Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,

229. chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

230. That's (guggling) not chug.

231. Oh my God.

232. - Unbelievable.

233. - Oh, that does not taste good.

234. I hope these tips,

235. keep you safe outdoors.

236. - Thanks Wolf.

237. That does it for us

238. but before, before we go,

239. we'll tell you that tonight's loser is Erika.

240. As punishment they have to sing harmony

241. to the sea shanty, TikTok style.