Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 5x11

Directed by

Carolyn Page as Jeb Bush • Brennan Lee Mulligan as Macro Pubio • Mike Trapp as Gilchrest Savoy • Alfred Aquino II as Mr. Gizmo

Carolyn, Brennan, Trapp, Alfred talk time travel and science experiments.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - From West Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team that doesn't know

3. what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

5. This is "Breaking News."

6. - Hello, and welcome to "Breaking News,"

7. the show where we don't know what we're about to say

8. and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh, I'm Jeb Bush.

9. - And I'm Marco Pubio.

10. Our top story tonight, Santa Claus is real!

11. He's been real this whole time!

12. The only reason you thought he was fake

13. was because your parents asked him not to come to your house

14. because they didn't love you enough.

15. - Santa made a public appearance

16. with his most trusted advisor, Rudolph,

17. to apologize for a controversial tweet in which he said,

18. "The best part of a white Christmas is the white part."

19. - (exhales) It's exhausting.

20. Mr. Claus claimed that he was the victim of cancel culture,

21. saying, "Joe Biden and the rest of the Democrat scammers

22. have made Christmas so soft."

23. He then made a point of showing everyone

24. that his sleigh still had a big, gas-guzzling V8 engine

25. and went on a long tangent about how mask requirements

26. reminded him of the Nazis.

27. - We can't be surprised that Santa is a reactionary.

28. Look at him, he's a big, old white guy with a crazy beard

29. who lives in the middle of nowhere.

30. He looks like he's about to take a dump in AOC's office.

31. The press conference ended abruptly

32. when he referred to Blitzen as "fruity."

33. - All in all, a shocking display from Father Christmas,

34. Old St. Nick, Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas of Myra,

35. which is actually the historical saint

36. that they believe Santa Claus was based on.

37. Sinterklaas, that jolly old elf, Santy Claus,

38. Fred Claus's brother. (Mike laughing)

39. What the, what's the call him in the fucking...

40. - Papa Gigio!

41. - Yes, the Italians refer to him as Papa Gigio.

42. - Mr. Freeze.

43. - And Victor Freeze, that's correct. Yes, absolutely.

44. - If I may editorialize, I was shocked by Santa's behavior.

45. I've always thought of Christmas

46. as a time-honored celebration

47. of a young woman named Mary's virginity,

48. and I hate to see it sullied in this way.

49. - I know it was always your favorite holiday.

50. Aside from that, though, in descending order,

51. what are your 25 favorite holidays?

52. - New Year's, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, Memorial Day,

53. Black Friday, Black Thursday, Black Wednesday,

54. Black Tuesday, Black Monday,

55. Black Saturday, Black Sunday, that's 11.

56. Mike Trapp's birthday, Brennan's birthday,

57. Alfred's birthday, my birthday, Pizza Time,

58. Ronald McDonald's Fun Day, Sunday Funday,

59. Tuesday Boozeday, Wednesday the Middle Day,

60. and that's 20, right?

61. Oh my God, five to go.

62. New Zealand Independence Day, Canada Day,

63. fucking Colombia's Independence Day.

64. Presumably they have one.

65. And Brazil's Independence Day and Portugal Day.

66. - Tough break for Thanksgiving.

67. - Very interesting that you didn't say my birthday.

68. - I did, but I'm sorry.

69. - We've broken it! (Carolyn cheers)

70. We busted this fucking show wide open!

71. - Yeah, fuck you, "Breaking News!" Anarchy!

72. Happy birthday.

73. - It would mean more if you sang to me.

74. - (gasps) I will! - Okay, but remember,

75. the song "Happy Birthday is copyrighted

76. so you'll have to make up an Applebees-style birthday song.

77. - Okay, gladly.

78. - I am just kind of tall.

79. - Yeah. - Yeah, for sure.

80. Thank you, now with weather, here's Gilchrest Savoy,

81. the wealthiest man of 1906.

82. - Greetings and salutations.

83. It is I, Gilchrest Savoy come to prognosticate

84. and prophesize upon the weekly dews and drops.

85. The fiercest westernly zephyr will begin post-haste

86. and carry with it thunder and squall.

87. The yowling caterwaul will vociferate nigh

88. on three days hence, after which we can expect

89. a gentle dawning of that sweet red morn.

90. - Mr. Savoy, you were a man of great wealth in your time.

91. I wonder, how did you go about making your fortune?

92. - (laughs) In my experience, young lady,

93. fortunes as vast as mine are happened upon, not made.

94. Lady luck came to see me, with apple-red cheeks

95. just as rosy as your own, and she blew me a kiss of gold.

96. - Now, what does that mean?

97. - Cheap Chinese labor built my railroad.

98. - I see.

99. - (clears throat) Mr. Savoy, is it true

100. that you used 1906 technology to build a time machine,

101. and that's how you find yourself here today?

102. - It is indeed.

103. Chock-a-block with whirlygigs and sprockets,

104. I set my sextant upon tomorrow

105. and trip the light fantastic towards horizons unknown.

106. - Where in time will you travel to next?

107. - I will go to the very end of the Earth itself,

108. Why, a time when the Sun is but a glowing red orb

109. in the sky and all life has ceased to exist.

110. I, a lone man, will stomp upon the wasteland

111. that lies before me and think back at the follies of man

112. and how we got to this place.

113. I expect it to be in about five years from now.

114. - Mm-hmm, and after that?

115. - Well, it's very funny you should ask.

116. After that I will move to the time before life,

117. before all life existed on Earth,

118. but yet there were still oceans.

119. Oceans and rock as far as you can see.

120. A strange Earth that you've seen before,

121. one that looks very familiar and yet there is no life,

122. not even bones, not even algae yet present,

123. and I will march upon the land and say,

124. here was Savoy Gilchrest, or perhaps Gilchrest Savoy,

125. whatever my name was.

126. - And seven more times.

127. - Ah, I'm very glad you asked that.

128. After that my next stop will be, of course, the War of 1812

129. 'cause I can barely remember what it was about

130. and I think it would be good to have a refresher.

131. After that, I guess, let's say 12 years in the future.

132. Just seems like a nice round number,

133. see what's going on over there.

134. I wonder if we'll have flying cars yet.

135. My sources say no, but I expect maybe.

136. After that we will go to 20 years ago

137. and I'll visit my younger self and tell him

138. of all the horrible mistakes I've made in my life.

139. Now, how many visits do we have left?

140. - You have four more to go.

141. - Great, then I'm just gonna go to France right now.

142. Why change anything? (Brennan laughs)

143. We have medicine and stuff now. Just go to France.

144. - One of your time travel locations

145. is France right now. - Is France.

146. - Yes, France is lovely. Why wouldn't you go to France?

147. You think France is better 20 years ago, 50 years ago?

148. We've got great technology now.

149. They're doing wonderful things.

150. The food scene there is incredible!

151. I say France right now, and I'm not changing that answer!

152. After that, we're going to go to Australia

153. on my favorite holiday, Brennan's birthday!

154. There everyone's going to celebrate Brennan's birthday

155. in the only way they know how,

156. will a good old g'day and a shrimp on the barbie.

157. And how many more visits do we have left?

158. - Three. (laughs) - Three more visits!

159. Well, that means that we are gonna go 100.000 years

160. into the future and we're just gonna see

161. what the fuck's going on there.

162. I bet humans won't be around anymore

163. and there'll just be weird, little crab creatures

164. scuttling around like in H. G. Wells's classic,

165. "The Time Machine."

166. After that, we will go to (sighs) I guess tomorrow.

167. Let's just go to tomorrow. Why not?

168. Let's see what's going on there.

169. I'll follow myself around and I'll be like,

170. I'll just kinda mock myself

171. stepping like one step behind me the whole time.

172. Be a real fucking head trip for me, Gilchrest Savoy

173. or perhaps Savoy Gilchrest, I don't remember.

174. After that, we're gonna go to, I don't know,

175. oh, let's just say Victorian times.

176. Everyone likes that fucking shit.

177. - Very good. Will we need sunscreen this weekend?

178. - What is sunscreen?

179. - We turn now to Mr. Gizmo with some great ideas

180. for at-home science experiments to do with your kids.

181. - Thanks, Fap.

182. This past year has been tough on curious young minds.

183. If you got some kiddos at home

184. who need a little science in their lives,

185. try making a baking soda volcano.

186. (Carolyn gasps) Okay.

187. Ooh, fun! (Carolyn gasps)

188. The kids can build a volcano out of paper mache,

189. and all you need to make it erupt

190. is a little baking soda and vinegar, just like this.

191. - They didn't spring for the prescription goggles, huh?

192. - Yeah. Okay! (explosion resounds)

193. Ooh.

194. Dude. (laughs) (Carolyn laughs)

195. The kids will love it. (Mike chuckles)

196. So do I still do it?

197. Now here are five more experiments to do with kids,

198. and an explanation

199. of the complex scientific principles behind them.

200. Uh, science baby.

201. Paper mache, glue, water, paper makes it stop.

202. It stops movement. That's one science thing.

203. Hit up my boy, Chrest Gilroy?

204. Gilchrest Savoy! - Savoy for time travel.

205. That's a whole experiment. Just hit him up.

206. Call him on the phone. Find his number.

207. Baking soda, vinegar without volcano.

208. Who knows what'll happen? Crazy, right?

209. Put it in your hands. Will it sting?

210. I don't know. (Carolyn giggles)

211. Light your house on fire. See what happens after that.

212. It's more a socio-economical experiment for your family.

213. Try a backflip without experience.

214. And of course you can show your children

215. the greatest experiment of all, a parent's love.

216. - Thanks, Mr. Gizmo.

217. That's it for us here at "Breaking News."

218. Before we go, we'll tell you that tonight's loser is me.

219. As punishment, I have to improvise more tweets

220. that might have gotten Santa canceled.

221. Okay, love to get milk from big titty bitches.