Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 1x4

Directed by

Katie Marovitch as Finna Getit • Grant O'Brien as Bette Menforever • Raphael Chestang as Gale Gobble • Ryan Anthony Martin as Amy Schumer

The no-laugh newsroom returns with a breaking report on a thicc-ass bird. You turd it fear cursed.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - From West Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team that doesn't know

3. what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

5. This is Breaking News.

6. - Hello and welcome to the Breaking News,

7. The show where we have no idea what we're about to say

8. and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

9. I'm Finna Getit.

10. - And I'm Bette Menforever.

11. Starting out with a little fun,

12. we're getting reports of an armed robbery

13. at the La Puente Pic 'N' Save.

14. None were spared.

15. - That is fun.

16. On tonight's show: Teens.

17. - What the latest teen craze could say about your parenting.

18. - We'll also cover a recipe from my personal collection.

19. - And get some answers on why

20. everyone's mad at Buster Keaton.

21. - Spoiler alert, he looks wet and that's hard to trust.

22. - All that and more (laughs)

23. - Keep it together.

24. - All that and more spilling out

25. of my little shrimp rocket

26. in just a minute.

27. - But first, let's pop, lock and drop on over

28. to the weather, which due to our budget cuts,

29. will be handled by our very own Bette Menforever.

30. Bette?

31. - That's me. (laughs)

32. A cold is gonna take you.

33. It's going to hold you down for eternity.

34. I'm talking of course, about death.

35. Back to you, Finna.

36. - Thank you.

37. That was honest and fair.

38. Back to you.

39. - And right back to you.

40. - Thank you.

41. Our top story for tonight:

42. A bird gave birth on a child's

43. birthday cake in MacArthur Park.

44. Was it kismet?

45. - Here's Gale Gobble on the scene.

46. - Thanks Bette. I'm here (groans loudly)

47. Thanks, Bette.

48. I'm here with my dick in my hand in MacArthur Park.

49. Witnesses reported a normal birthday,

50. people by a lake holding red SOLO cups,

51. and at least one person with a backwards hat.

52. Moments later, a thick-ass bird

53. blew her load all over the place.

54. - Heartwarming.

55. - Indeed.

56. And now one question is on everyone's mind:

57. Did you fart, or did I need dental work?

58. Oh my, only time will tell.

59. I'm Gale Gobble.

60. Gobble, gobble, gobblin' up that pussy.

61. Back to you. (laughs)

62. - Well, you turd it (laughs)

63. Well, you turd it fear cursed.

64. We turn our attention over to

65. the newest teen craze: crowning.

66. All you need is your head and a flexible friend.

67. - I'm sorry to interrupt, Bette,

68. but we're getting some breaking news here.

69. With that is our correspondent, Amy Schumer.

70. - I feel pretty.

71. - Never interrupt me again.

72. I'm back again. Back for more.

73. I'm a greedy little booty gargoyle, beauty carbroyle.

74. Carl Sr. is my father, but enough about me.

75. Ben Affleck is rolling out a clothing line

76. for pear-shaped men, but will it last?

77. - I certainly hope not.

78. The pear apparel.

79. This pear apparel apparently pairs

80. flared wear with luxury pricing,

81. and that really fucks my nuts.

82. How about you, Finna?

83. - Hell yeah, this whole thing sticks in my craw

84. and it's not just a sticky little crumb like last time.

85. - I'm in the same boat and I just pulled into Ellis Island.

86. - We leave you now with our final segment:

87. Cooking on a Dime. Put a thumb-sized piece of dough

88. on your favorite ten-cent coin.

89. And a saucy pepperoni and bake for minutes.

90. - That's all the time we have.

91. From Breaking News, I'm Bette Menforever.

92. - And I'm Finna Getit.

93. Before we go, we have some personal news.

94. We're very proud to announce

95. this week's Employee of the Week. It's Grant.

96. - I'm pretty comfortable with that.

97. I think that makes a lot of sense.

98. I feel like there's some things we're ignoring, but great.

99. Thanks so much for watching.