Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 1x3

Directed by

Mike Trapp as Bob Sauce • Grant O'Brien as Bob Sauce • Emily Axford as Bob Sauce • Ally Beardsley as Little Shitty Cannoli

Ally, Grant, Trapp, and Emily Axford are here with all the info you could ever need on bed bugs and much, much more.

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For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 1x3 [10-11]; !req Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 1x3 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. - From West Hollywood, California,

2. the only news team that doesn't know

3. what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

4. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

5. This is Breaking News.

6. - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News,

7. the show where we don't know what we're about to say

8. and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

9. I'm Bob Sauce.

10. - And I'm Bob Sauce.

11. - Tonight, a big upset for anyone looking to buy mattresses?

12. - Mattresses?

13. - You better believe it.

14. - I don't.

15. - Well start.

16. - OK.

17. Local mattress retailer Ass King

18. discovered a little bedbug infestation

19. in the padding of their California Ass King mattress.

20. - Now, Sauce, is that the same infestation

21. that affected their twin Ass Kings last fall?

22. - The very same Ass King infestation.

23. - Now regarding this infASStation—

24. - Uh-huh.

25. - What can consumers do to make sure their own mattresses

26. aren't ass-affected?

27. - Interestingly, a California-native species of spider

28. is said to be the best way

29. to fully examine, exterminate bedbugs.

30. They are friendly to humans

31. but love those li'l bugs.

32. - Li'l bugs.

33. - Li'l bugs.

34. - Now, don't you think, Sauce,

35. that this solution will create a big spider infestation?

36. - Hey, one problem at a time, am I right?

37. - Now to throw it over to weather.

38. - Hi, hi, I am the weather person,

39. this is the weather update.

40. Winds are moving in due east,

41. so if you're trying to dump your Ass Kings,

42. be sure to do it before the wind strikes.

43. - Dump our Ass Kings?

44. - Dump our

45. Ass Kings?

46. You have to pause for a stupid amount of time.

47. - Dump your Ass Kings!

48. Thanks, all, back to you.

49. - Thanks, Saucy.

50. Ooh, this just in, a Breaking News alert

51. from our senior correspondent, Little Shitty Cannoli.

52. Little Shitty?

53. - Thanks, Sauces.

54. It appears that in response to the Ass King mattress crisis,

55. congressional representative Todd Dumbass is issuing a ban

56. on newly illicit substances

57. said to attract bedbugs.

58. The complete list is as follows:

59. squeamy beavers,

60. curdlin' weemers,

61. pissy steamers,

62. li'l dairy—

63. li'l daisy creamers,

64. and

65. wailin'

66. fatback

67. weeners.

68. - Oh, shit.

69. - Senator Dumbass says this.

70. Will ban, this ban will be imposed indefinitely.

71. Until we can crack the Ass King infestation.

72. - My, all this commotion for an Ass King infestation.

73. - Guess it's true what they say:

74. Ass.

75. - Ass.

76. A-ha, ass, you said it, guys.

77. Now that's all the time we have today,

78. but we'll close with a bit of personal news.

79. Our employees of the week

80. just couldn't stop smiling and laughing

81. even though they're not allowed to.

82. Congrats to our employee of the week,

83. Grant!

84. - What a dumb-ass.

85. - So until next time,

86. thank you from everyone here at Breaking News:

87. Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,

88. Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,

89. Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,

90. Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,

91. Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,

92. Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,

93. Bob Sauce, and Little Shitty Cannoli.

94. - Good night.

95. - And dump your Ass Kings.