Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 1x1

Directed by Michael Schaubach

Lou Wilson as Taffy Moops • Siobhan Thompson as O.K. Simpson • Grant O'Brien as Skimberly Milk • David Kerns as Sumptuous Creem

Our reporters have no idea what they're about to read off their Teleprompter. If they laugh, they lose.

Request examples:

!req Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 1x1 [02:32]
!req Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 1x1 [Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 1x1]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 1x1 [10-11]; !req Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom 1x1 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

2. - From West Hollywood, California,

3. the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter

4. before they read it.

5. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

6. This is Breaking News.

7. - Good evening and welcome to Breaking News.

8. - The show where we don't know what we're about to say

9. and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

10. - I'm Taffy Moops.

11. - And I am O.K. Simpson.

12. - Tonight, ho, ho, ho, no.

13. You're not hearing things.

14. That's the sound Santa Claus makes plus an extra ho.

15. - No.

16. Yes, it's Christmas in July—

17. Oh I've immediately failed.

18. And we've got the lowdown on the hottest toys this holiday

19. season.

20. - Kids can't get enough of our R2 Fuck You,

21. the rude little robot that hates his parents.

22. - Fuck.

23.

24. - This little shit fucking sucks and I hate it.

25. - But your children love it.

26. - This toy is a bad influence, just like that kid

27. you weren't supposed to play with when you were little.

28. - Jonathan?

29. - Yes, Jonathan.

30. R2 Fuck You already has a soft little mustache,

31. knows a lot about guns, and hates wearing a shirt.

32. - He's got a big dogs hat and milk crust

33. in the corner of his mouth.

34. - And he knows a surprising amount about sex.

35. - If you buy R2 Fuck You, remember

36. to pick up a few packs of D batteries,

37. because, baby, you'll need them.

38. - Remember D batteries?

39. Well, they're back and heavier than ever.

40. - Load them up like shotgun shells in this disrespectful—

41. Robot and let it corrupt your children.

42. - Other popular toys this season include your Little Pony,

43. Tickle Your Elmo, and Yorn craft.

44. - We now go to Skimberly Milk with the Sports Report.

45. Skim?

46. - Thanks, Taffy.

47. The Washington Redskins announced

48. that they'll change their name to the Washington Denver

49. Nuggets.

50. Xavier has decided to open a college

51. to support its baseball team.

52. And Mr. Met is in critical condition

53. after a terrible misunderstanding

54. involving his head.

55. All that to come.

56. But first, soccer has been officially declared

57. the Rick and Morty of sports—

58. a highly entertaining spectacle with just the worst fucking

59. fans.

60. Yes, whether you suddenly started using the word

61. lads or you won't shut up about your one visit to Europe,

62. you all fucking suck.

63. That's it for the Sports Report until next time,

64. I'm Skimberly Milk.

65. - Thanks, Skim.

66. I'm getting word of breaking news.

67. For more on this story, we turn to our reporter

68. in the field, Sumptuous Cream.

69. Sump, what's going on out there.

70. - Tragedy, OK?

71. Total tragedy.

72. It appears there has been yet another mistake at the Fruit

73. Roll-Up factory, this time resulting

74. in the creation of Tropical Kiwi Threesome Roll-Ups—

75. and the loss of seven lives.

76. - How terrible.

77. - Yes.

78. And this same negligent factory has

79. 12 accidents in the past year alone,

80. leading to, Oops, All Wrapper, Uh-uh, Beef on the Inside,

81. Fuck Three-sided Roll-Ups, Envelope Glue Flavor,

82. the Disembarkment of Ford Workers and Lame-Ass Ranch.

83. - A shocking disaster.

84. What fun Fruit Roll-Ups will they roll out next?

85. - God willing, none.

86. - Well, thanks Sump.

87. Sumptuous cream will have more on this story as it develops.

88. - And that's all we have time for for now.

89. We close with a bit of personal news— oh no.

90. Our employee of the week just couldn't

91. stop smiling and laughing even though they're not allowed to.

92. Congrats to our employee of the week—

93. oh no.

94. It's me.

95. - Well, until next time.

96. Thank you from everyone here at Breaking News.

97. Taffy Moops, O.K. Simpson, Skimberly

98. Milk, and Sumptuous Cream.

99. Good night.