Brassic 1x5

1. This is fucking sabotage, this is.

2. This has got MacDonaghs all over it.

3. It's not the MacDonaghs.

4. It was an electrical surge.

5. Tommo took a direct feed off that thing,

6. and it was blowing a gale last night. It's fried everything.

7. Fuck's sake. That's all that fucking gear gone up in smoke now.

8. Prices. Prices are gonna rise, Dyl. I'm telling you, the MacDonaghs

9. - are gonna laugh their tits off here. Oi!

10. Jesus Christ. What?

11. - What do you reckon, then? - He reckons it's a surge from

12. - that storm last night. - Never mind that.

13. What about them buggers who were down wind at the time?

14. - What about them? - They're fucking stoned.

15. They need milking. I can't get them to shift.

16. The milk's all tainted.

17. I can't sell that to the supermarkets

18. and have the public getting mashed over their cornflakes.

19. They're not stoned, you dipshit. You're imagining things.

20. Listen, it's scientifically improbable.

21. The fucking smoke would go off into the ether.

22. Them lot are stoned off their tits.

23. Look, them three there are fucking giggling.

24. They're fucking cows, Jimbo. That's how cows always look.

25. - It's not funny. - It fucking is.

26. They're as stoned as bastards. I mean, come on, lads.

27. - What am I supposed to do? - I'll tell you what you need to do.

28. Honestly, this is exactly what you need to do. You need to go

29. down the 24 hour and get 'em some fucking Jaffa Cakes.

30. - Or a Dairy Milk. Get 'em a Dairy Milk.

31. Me to you, to me, to you.

32. Fucking Chuckle Brothers are back with us.

33. Watch out, lad.

34. Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's have a big round of applause

35. for our principal ballerina of the Bolshoi…

36. Cardi!

37. Tinsley Blanchett's hypnotist shows were legendary.

38. I mean, not just for the entertainment value.

39. The place was bloody rammed.

40. He had them queuing out the door just to have a go,

41. hoping for the chance to literally just forget themselves.

42. You know, all the worries, all the bollocks,

43. just for 15 minutes to become something else.

44. I mean, Christ, who could blame 'em?

45. Now, all right. Okay.

46. Now, you're like a bubble floating up from the ocean floor.

47. That's it. Right to the surface.

48. Three, two, one.

49. You're back in the room.

50. Get yourself down. Now!

51. Hey, it is my honour…

52. to introduce to you here tonight…

53. the lord of the dance himself,

54. Mr Michael Flatley.

55. - Whoo!

56. All right, Albie?

57. Albie?

58. Hi, Albie. Did you not see me there?

59. - Oh, sorry. Hi. - Hi.

60. Who are they for? You haven't started smoking, have ya?

61. No. They're for me uncle.

62. No. They're for me auntie.

63. Got to go. See you.

64. Right. See ya.

65. Hi.

66. - Police. Get your fucking hands up. - Fucking hell.

67. Don't sneak up on me, dickhead. You know full well I know jujitsu.

68. Go on, give us a line.

69. I can't do that, Dylan.

70. What? You've got loads. Don't be tight.

71. It's not a question of being tight, sunshine. I swore an oath.

72. What? An oath? What's this, The Lord of the Fucking Rings?

73. Weren't just me, neither. We all swore it.

74. The lads, Erin, Kath, Ringo and Babs.

75. Swear to God, Mavis' Irish dancing.

76. It's getting better every year, you know.

77. - Shit, you haven't given him any of that? - He knows, mate.

78. - About the— - What's this about a fucking oath?

79. For God's sake. I wanna go down on record as saying,

80. I specifically said not to call it an oath. That's bloody Frodo's idea.

81. - I said to call it a pact. - What pact? What's the idea?

82. I'll tell you what the big idea is, it's bloody…

83. Fuck you, Dylan.

84. It's simple. After the debacle that went down

85. at Ringo and Babs's wedding, we all decided never to give you

86. Class A's ever again for as long as we shall live.

87. They make you morose and pathologically inclined

88. to ruin everyone's night.

89. That is just bollocks.

90. Everyone's off their nut, having a great time

91. and you just become this paranoid harbinger of doom.

92. - No. That's… That's exaggeration. - It's not. You just…

93. You can't deal… You can't help yourself, man.

94. You do a line, or you do a pill,

95. and you start spouting shit like, you know…

96. - "I can't feel my heart." Exactly.

97. Or "I'm 24 times more likely

98. "of having a bloody heart attack off cocaine." You know what I mean?

99. - Statistically… - You ruin everyone's buzz, man.

100. You're a buzz ruiner. Yeah, you ruin drugs for people.

101. - This is horse shit. - Is it?

102. - Absolute horse shit. - Remember that bloody wedding,

103. you convinced everybody that the E's were poisoned.

104. They tasted strange! They tasted like fuckin',

105. - what was it, roll-on deodorant? - Roll-on deodorant.

106. Think about what you said. How would you know

107. - what that tastes like? - You wouldn't know.

108. - Couldn't possibly know. - I know, I know. I'm sorry.

109. Oh, for God's sake.

110. Woo! Woo! Yes!

111. I hardly ever take it these days, to be honest.

112. It's really bad for you. Ah-ah-ah.

113. Oh, then there's the notes.

114. Something like 94% of them have, like, blood on them.

115. Yeah, teeming with hepatitis, apparently. Just FYI.

116. Oh, my God. Help me.

117. Get out. Don't come back.

118. You're barred, you filthy bastard.

119. Don't be so harsh.

120. You're all right, Derek, love. Look after yourself.

121. We'll see you tomorrow.

122. He's had a tough time of it.

123. Lost his missus to a heart attack.

124. With her, went all meaning in his life.

125. He's gonna die alone and he knows it.

126. He's adrift. Poor soul.

127. Don't say anything. Don't say anything,

128. just-just listen, right? Hear me out, yeah?

129. I know… Look, I'm… I'm on drugs, but…

130. There are things, right? Feelings that I have buried.

131. You never know when it's gonna be too late.

132. Erin, I'm terrified of what it would be like to not be with you.

133. I wanna be with you.

134. You and Tyler. Yeah, you're all I want.

135. Nothing else matters.

136. Do you know what? If leaving this place is truly what you want,

137. if that is the price for guaranteeing a life with you,

138. with guaranteeing a smile on that face, then I'll do it.

139. Let's fucking do it!

140. Look, I will do whatever you want,

141. if it means that I get to be with you.

142. Fuck. Erin, Erin, Erin, I can't feel my heart. Jesus!

143. What are you doing creeping around on the floor?

144. - Scared the shit out of me, you pillock. - I'm—

145. - On the ground! - [door crashes, all yelling]

146. Get on the ground!

147. - Where the fuck is he? - I'm here! I'm here! I'm sorry!

148. Don't move. Do not resist.

149. - I'm not! I'm not resisting! - Ronald Croft, I'm arresting you—

150. Ronald Croft. Ronnie? No, that's my brother.

151. That's not him. Ronnie's inside. He's been inside for 18 months.

152. - This isn't him. See.

153. - So where is he? - Who? Ronnie?

154. He's in Grantham. He's doing eight years.

155. He absconded from day release,

156. assaulted the owner of the garage he was working at.

157. - You okay? - No.

158. Hey, don't worry. Could have been worse.

159. Ronnie could actually have been here.

160. Albie?

161. - Albie? - He's not here.

162. God's sake. Who?

163. - Who isn't there, Albie? - Me. I'm not here.

164. All right. Open the door, please.

165. Where is he? Albie?

166. Right.

167. Albie!

168. Run outside for me, pal.

169. Get back down Malik's, will ya? I'm gagging of thirst here.

170. - All right, Ronnie? - All right, yeah.

171. He needs to go, Erin. We're harbouring a fugitive.

172. That's jail-time. That's Tyler and Kay.

173. That's us in jail. Will you just send him packing?

174. Listen. You heard what he said, okay?

175. He's being bullied in prison. He's ran up drug debts.

176. - He's pissed off the wrong people. - I don't doubt he has.

177. He pisses everyone off. That's what Ronnie does. All right?

178. - He wreaks havoc and he ruins lives. - Yeah, I know.

179. Have you forgotten about the credit card he took out in Tyler's name?

180. Yes, yes, I know, all right! Fuck's sake.

181. I just want to move away, honestly.

182. Get away from shit like this. It's not fucking fair.

183. Hey. Hey.

184. If you go, I'm coming.

185. - Do you really mean that? - Yes, I do.

186. I love you.

187. Your brother is a fucking dickhead.

188. He's a parasite, Erin.

189. He will rob, he will cheat and he will lie to anyone

190. and any minute now the odd lot could be back knocking down that door.

191. - Fucking hell.

192. - Jesus. - Erin, what's going on with this door?

193. - You all right, Vin? - What's this ballbag doing?

194. He's meant to be down for an eight-stretch.

195. He was. He's on day release. So he decided to come here.

196. What do you mean "decided to come here"?

197. They let you do that these days in jail?

198. He's fallen out with the owner of the garage he was training at.

199. Yeah, man. He tried to attack us.

200. Proper, big, nasty bastard. Must have been 6'8".

201. And he just took an immediate dislike to me, Erin.

202. And I was like… I was there,

203. and he just started to lose the plot.

204. Accusing me of nicking his cashbox.

205. I didn't even know it fucking existed.

206. Then, he starts coming at me. So I'm like that, slipping it,

207. 'cause I'm a lover, not a fighter. I'm like that, whoa.

208. And then… I don't know. Next thing, you know,

209. I had no choice, so I had to run him over.

210. What do you mean you ran him over? You kidding me?

211. Well, I wasn't going fast. I was in reverse.

212. "In reverse"?

213. - Erin. Erin, I swear on Tyler's life— - Don't you dare.

214. - What? I had no choice, man. - What? Like when they offered you

215. that deal to grass up Dave Geffen and Arjan Khan.

216. - Do you remember that? - That wasn't my fault.

217. Yes, it bloody was. You know it. This guy is literally a shit magnet.

218. Get him out of here before he gets you all banged up.

219. This is what I'm talking about. No one wants to see

220. Ronnie Croft thrive. Right?

221. Man's here, trying his best to open a new leaf.

222. And the whole world is just against him.

223. - Turn over. - You what?

224. Turn over a new leaf.

225. Not "open a new leaf." "Turn over a new leaf."

226. He literally doesn't even understand the saying.

227. See. This is what I'm talking about. Pettiness.

228. Pettiness, pettiness, pettiness. This is what I'm up against.

229. Well, oh, I'm sorry, Dylan,

230. that I wasn't having the time to go to fucking…

231. - What's it called where you learn? - School.

232. School. To learn to be a smart arse.

233. But I was a bit busy,

234. trying to keep my sister from being put into care,

235. because my mam and dad had both been sent down.

236. - Come on, we're family. - All right, get off.

237. Fair enough. What's that?

238. Yeah, it's the cashbox. I couldn't fucking leave it, could I?

239. Unbelievable.

240. - Come on. - What do you mean? Fuck off.

241. Right, here's what we're gonna do. You two are gonna get him to Jim's. Right?

242. I'll have a word with Kath. She knows a guy with a boat

243. who brings in duty free tobacco, right?

244. I'll see if she can have a word with him

245. about getting him across the water. He can live on Uncle Pat's farm.

246. - What's Ireland done to deserve that? - Vinnie, please.

247. Don't do it for him.

248. Do it for me. Tyler. Please.

249. - All right. Come on, let's get a shift on. Right. And wait.

250. Before you go, if the police come around here snooping,

251. I want everything that isn't legit out of the house.

252. Everything that's nicked, I want it gone. The washer.

253. - That's nicked, yeah. - That's nicked.

254. All right, dryer.

255. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's nicked.

256. - Microwave. - Microwave. All came as a set, love.

257. Fuck's sake.

258. Anything that's electric, it's been stolen. TV and everything.

259. Great. Everything, out.

260. I'll get a van.

261. You know they don't milk themselves, don't you, Jimbo?

262. I know that, smart arse.

263. See that silver bucket? I'm waiting on her to do a piss test.

264. A what?

265. Piss test. Drugs test.

266. You see any of that commotion on Denby Row?

267. Two coppers went out expecting a dead body.

268. Found a massive fuck-off weed farm, instead.

269. Posted a copper outside standing sentry,

270. so they can get a team and some vans round there in the morning.

271. What? They haven't taken it?

272. What can you do at 11:30 on a Friday night?

273. Need manpower. Vans.

274. It's Erin. Hey, you. You're getting the boat from Liverpool.

275. Erin's coming to pick you up at 4:00 a.m.

276. Yeah, okay, mate.

277. Last time they raided one of those houses,

278. it was like professional grow lights and… and,

279. - irrigation, temperature control… - See, she's not used to

280. all that weed. She's got the shits now.

281. We're gonna need a bigger van.

282. What?

283. Have you not got anything else, no?

284. Nothing wrong with this.

285. Low mileage, surprising amount of storage as well,

286. and most importantly, low profile, all right?

287. - Blends in unnoticed. - You said you had a van, dude.

288. Said you had a fucking van-van is what you said.

289. Yeah, but this is a flippin' van-van.

290. But it's…

291. it's inappropriate.

292. [JJ] It's a van. That's why they even call them ice cream vans, innit?

293. Do you want it or not?

294. - Aw, yeah. - All right. And erm…

295. - Gotta pump the brakes to make them work. - Pump the brakes?

296. - Exactly. - How is that a thing?

297. - Get in the van. - So ungrateful.

298. - Oke-a-doke. - What's up?

299. None of you recognise the cop?

300. Let me have a look through them.

301. I thought that looked like him, dude, that's Carl Slater, man.

302. - No way. - Who?

303. Carl Slater.

304. This snidey little twat we were at school with.

305. Vin's mortal enemy since year five.

306. Year four. Grassed me up for nicking milk off the float.

307. He was always getting us lot in shit.

308. So, Vin started a rumour about Carl that got a bit out of control,

309. became one of them urban myths you hear about.

310. - What was the rumour? - That Carl bummed his nan's dog.

311. Spread like wildfire. Everyone believed it.

312. Mud sticks 20 years later.

313. Car, car, car.

314. That looks like the MacDonaghs.

315. You know, I bet it's one of their farms.

316. Sorry, Barry. Cops have got it. Go on, piss off.

317. There's a cop guarding the door in. Even the MacDonaghs are calling it quits.

318. There's no way of doing this. Let's go home.

319. You're a smart lad, Dyldo, but sometimes you lack a bit of ingenuity.

320. We could be in and out of there in seconds.

321. How long does it take to fill a couple of bin bags?

322. How we gonna get in, though?

323. It's the perfect crime.

324. It's so fucking stupid, no one will think anyone'd be daft enough to try.

325. Oh, shit.

326. Oh, shit.

327. - That's not good. - No, it's too close. Let's fuck it off.

328. Are you off your head? We've just gone through all that for nothing?

329. Come on.

330. - Oh, fuck.

331. - Hello? Vinnie?

332. Vinnie, how are you, man?

333. - Not so bad, mate. What's going on? - Listen,

334. I'm here with some friends from uni and we…

335. The word is there's a bit of a drought on with the old silage crop.

336. I happened to mention that I'm pretty tight with Hawley's main man.

337. And so, these reprobates were wondering

338. if I could deliver the goods.

339. You know anywhere we can get some?

340. Happen I do, Christoph. Let me call you back in a sec?

341. Yes, Vinnie, hey, wait. Vinnie, look. If it's a problem,

342. I can come over to you. I'll just get in a cab.

343. Yeah, you can do that? Vin?

344. - Easy, Vin. - Ronnie, is that you?

345. - Yeah, man. - For fuck… You scared the shit outta me,

346. you dickhead. What are you doing here?

347. - I'm here for the ganja, man. - The fuck you are.

348. That's our gear. How'd you even get in?

349. - Come through the back door. - Are you havin' a giraffe?

350. - There's a back door? - Yeah. It's wide open.

351. Piss off before I lose my patience with you, Ronald.

352. I ain't gonna do that, mate. You wanna know why? Finders keepers.

353. - Losers… - Fucking weepers? You bellend.

354. Stop it. Hey!

355. Vin! Cardi! - I'm all right. We're here.

356. Oh, man, see. Now look what you've gone and done.

357. I am gonna murder this twat, Dylan.

358. - Cardi? I'm… I'm stuck.

359. This is the police. We are in the building.

360. Come out with your hands raised.

361. The fuck are you supposed to be?

362. Oi, lads. - Up here, Tommo.

363. Looked up and I was like… Oh, fuck off.

364. - All right? How're you doing, lad? - Hang on. You know this fella?

365. - It's Carl Slater, Ronnie. - Slater.

366. Carl… Carl Slater.

367. I didn't even recognise you in that get up.

368. Dog bummer! Hey, well, I never.

369. I heard your nan went catatonic when she walked in on you

370. up to your nuts in a poodle.

371. I heard it were a terrier she had, Carl. A terrier.

372. No, it was a poodle, Tommo.

373. - I never bummed a fucking dog! - Wait, wait, wait.

374. So, you go from being a dog bummer to being a cop.

375. Ugh!

376. People say I do daft shit.

377. What made you want to go and do something stupid like that for?

378. There was a number of things that attracted me to the profession.

379. But, I suppose getting to put away inbred, pikey twats like yourselves

380. - was probably the main draw. - Strong words, man.

381. Strong words from a kid who bummed his nan's dog.

382. - I didn't bum a fucking dog! - Carl, Carl, listen to me, man.

383. We didn't want this. We didn't mean to involve you in anything.

384. - But you are involved now, so… - Just shut the fuck up, Ronnie.

385. - Christ. - All right, Dylan?

386. You're very quiet over there. So, this is where hanging on

387. to Vinnie O'Neill's coat tails has got you, is it?

388. Kidnapping police officers with criminal masterminds

389. like Ronnie fucking Croft.

390. Should've listened to Mr McKelvey. He warned you.

391. Nobody's kidnapping coppers.

392. We're not involved with Ronnie.

393. That's just a fucking babysitting job that's gone a bit awry.

394. Hang on a minute.

395. You're gonna explain yourself to bacon bollocks

396. after he's just called you a pikey twat.

397. - He was talking to you, you muppet. - Was he?

398. I was referring to all of ya, in general.

399. All right, look, can we just…

400. Let's just figure out a way out of this that benefits us all, shall we?

401. Yeah?

402. Yeah, okay, yeah. Sure. Untie me.

403. I will untie you. But then what?

404. And then, you all come with me to the nick.

405. See, I don't wanna do that, Carl. I can't—

406. - You don't have an option. - Fuck.

407. There is no way out of this, Vinnie.

408. You've screwed yourself proper this time.

409. You know what, mate, you know what?

410. You're right about there being no way out of this,

411. but you are dead wrong about who's fucked themselves. 'Cause, yeah.

412. There's only one knobhead tied to a chair and that's not fucking me.

413. Ronnie, Ronnie, let's just stop calling each other names, shall we?

414. And try and figure a way out of this.

415. Negotiate, you're saying?

416. - Negotiate with him. - Yeah.

417. Vinnie, you got him tied to a fucking chair.

418. Am I the only one who knows how a kidnapping works?

419. - No, it's not… - No, no, it's not a fucking kidnapping.

420. - It is. - It isn't a kidnapping.

421. Right, Vinnie. The ball's in your court, yeah? And you know what?

422. You're acting like an amateur. You're showing him you're weak.

423. - I'm appealing to his common sense. - Vinnie, he's a copper.

424. Oh, you're such a fucking genius. What's your idea, then?

425. - What's your big plan then, Ron? - Basic, mate.

426. It's elementary stuff, right?

427. You got two options, but only one choice.

428. You let this dog fucker go

429. and he trots back to his piggy, piggy mates.

430. Eh, trot back? And they all come round your gaff

431. with their piggy piggy truncheons, they twat your head in,

432. beat your door down and they drag you off to jail. Or…

433. You just eliminate the problem.

434. Do you mean fucking kill him?

435. - You're off your fucking head, Ronnie. - Do you know what, lads?

436. Enjoy… I hope you enjoy jail more than I did,

437. 'cause you're gonna be there a long fucking time.

438. Come on, Vin, how long have we known…

439. Look. Shittin' himself now, and rightly so.

440. He's ready to make a deal, 'cause he's desperate.

441. And do you know what he's gonna do? He's gonna promise you the world now.

442. Aren't you? But the thing is, you know,

443. and I fucking know that whatever he says now is worthless. Yeah?

444. He leaves here alive, youse lot, you're going to jail, mate.

445. - Help! I'm a police officer!

446. Tape, tape, tape. Calm down.

447. Fucking hell, whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge.

448. Someone get him a poodle. Jesus.

449. [cop, over radio] Come in, Bravo 12-57, over.

450. B1257 was the number on Slater's epaulette.

451. - They're calling him. - Well, fucking smash it up.

452. - Don't fucking smash it up.

453. 12-57 reading, go ahead control, over.

454. We're trying to reach, 12-57. Why the radio silence?

455. Is everything all right over there?

456. Well, I just went for a dump.

457. - Why, did you want to listen? Over? - Copy that, 12-57.

458. I've got a team together to dismantle this cannabis factory.

459. Be with you in just over an hour at 05:30.

460. Copy that, control. 12-57, over and out.

461. - Jeez, Tommo, that was badass, man. - Yeah, I know.

462. The boards are digging in to me when you're pulling me up!

463. You've got a wedgie. You've got a wedgie. I can see your bollocks.

464. JJ, I need your help.

465. Get me out of this fucking hole. - I don't care that it's early,

466. dude, I need your help, man.

467. Take me to him.

468. What?

469. Right. Coming all in.

470. - That's it. Grab his other arm.

471. Get him!

472. One… Two…

473. We've got you, man.

474. - Cardi? Did you see that?

475. That was like some proper You've Been Framed shit.

476. - Tell me you got that on camera. - I'm all right.

477. Hey, cool. Look what I've found.

478. - Fish gun! No!

479. Shine on. Pecker head? What you playing at?

480. Ah, thought you could do with this.

481. All right, Carl.

482. Look, man, I'm sorry. I am.

483. I'm sorry about school. I took that fucking joke way too far.

484. I was an angry kid, and a difficult time for me, back then, Carl.

485. Don't fucking bother. Just…

486. Just don't bother.

487. You're making me cringe.

488. - Fucking loser. - Mm.

489. You know, I never imagined how low you'd sink.

490. But then again, how could you not, eh?

491. Spawn of a half-wit thief, mentally unstable mother.

492. I remember her showing up at school in her fucking nightie, crying.

493. You just stood there, in the playground.

494. Bet you remember that, don't you, Dylan?

495. "Ooh…

496. "Vinnie, we're out of milk, Vinnie!"

497. - It was fucking amazing. - Shut your fucking mouth!

498. Running, she was, just like you.

499. Hey, did she ever show up again? No.

500. I wouldn't have come back for you, either.

501. She's probably chucked herself underneath a fucking train, mate.

502. Ashamed at creating such a backward,

503. no-good, whatever the fuck you are, mate.

504. You listen to me, Carl.

505. I'm gonna put you in the back of that ice-cream van

506. and I'm gonna drive you up to them hills, I'm gonna dig a pit,

507. I'm gonna fucking put you in it and bury you underground.

508. The last thing you're gonna see is my face, me.

509. Grinning, as you beg to take them words back

510. through gobfuls of soil, you dog-bumming twat.

511. Jesus, Tommo, man, what is going on here?

512. Lend someone a bloody ice-cream van, you don't expect to be

513. an accessory in kidnapping the bloody po-po.

514. Fuck it. What else were you gonna do tonight, stay in?

515. - Tommo? We've got a problem.

516. - Vinnie? Tommo. What?

517. - What's going on, Tom? - There's someone here.

518. What? Well, fuck.

519. Is it the MacDonaghs? What do they look like?

520. Looks like a right knobhead, red trousers.

521. Red trousers? Erm…

522. Oh, shit.

523. Vinnie?

524. Hello? Vinnie?

525. - What the fuck?

526. Vinnie, I can hear your phone.

527. Fuck.

528. Vinnie! - Shit.

529. Vinnie!

530. - What're you doing here? - Can I get some of the doobage?

531. I got this chick, Leone.

532. She got frisky with me once at a Jamiroquai concert.

533. I don't care. How'd you even find me, dude?

534. "Find your Friend." Here, look.

535. - I don't even have Find your Friend. - It's great.

536. - You should get it, it's handy. - Crying out loud.

537. I fucking do have it. How do I delete that?

538. - Are you having a party? - No…

539. Is that a weed house?

540. - No, it's not a weed house. - It is.

541. - Piss off. Fuck. - No, no, no!

542. - Get the fuck out. - Fuck off.

543. Do yourself a favour, just do one. Less you know, the better.

544. All right, but sort me out, come on. Leone.

545. - Wait there, wait there. - Yeah, yeah.

546. Fucking hell's teeth.

547. - Fucking, Chris. - Who's Chris?

548. A pain in the arse.

549. Jesus. Wow.

550. - Hi, I'm Chris. - Are you kidding?

551. Hi. Hey, Chris.

552. - Hey, Chris, friend of Vinnie's. - Cardi.

553. - Hi, Cardi. Nice to see you. - Pleasure. Rosé?

554. - Very pleasant. - It's quite a pleasant one.

555. A friend of mine's dad, he's got this vineyard.

556. No. Fuck no. No, no, no, no.

557. What the fuck did I… Get out, dude. I told you, man.

558. Hello, I'm Chris. Friend of Vinnie's, eh?

559. - Fuck! - Hello, Chris. Friend of Vinnie's.

560. It's all right. Don't worry about me. I'm cool!

561. You are not cool. Don't touch it.

562. Stop. Dude, I swear… Go get the fuck out.

563. Ghost of Long John Silver.

564. Fuck.

565. Is that a real policeman?

566. I'm gonna get… I'd better get back to my dinner party.

567. No fucker leaves.

568. Fuck.

569. - What's going on here, Vinnie? - Look, nothing. I'll just…

570. - I'll sort it. - Is this a sex thing?

571. You gonna gang-wank me or something?

572. You've dropped him in it and all now.

573. Have to dig two graves tonight, you.

574. Would you shut the fuck up?

575. I'm gonna bury you if you don't put down that fucking fish gun.

576. What are you involved in? What've you got me involved in?

577. Who is this lad, Vin?

578. He's me GP, and he's cool, he's cool.

579. All right, no, he's all right. He's all right.

580. Just, he's bound by, what is it?

581. Patient confidentiality or some shit. Yeah?

582. - Yeah. - Does that cover kidnapping coppers?

583. No, I'm pretty sure I'd have to report that sort of thing.

584. Do you wanna leave here alive tonight?

585. Well, actually even if it did fall under patient confidentiality,

586. in fact, I'd have a conflict of interest, 'cause Carl here

587. is also one of my patients.

588. You all right? I didn't recognise you with the gag on.

589. You… How's it… Are you feeling better down there?

590. Shut up. Stop making words, dude.

591. Just… Fuck me. He's fine, all right?

592. - He's cool, he's not gonna say nothing. - Is he cool?

593. - Yeah. - Yeah? He's just admitted

594. to being a fucking cop-doctor.

595. - A what? - A cop-doctor.

596. - A cop-doctor? - Yeah.

597. - Cop-doctor? Is that a thing? Is it? - Of course it fucking is!

598. Of course it is. He's a doctor of cops, isn't he?

599. He's fucking one of them. Do you know what, lads?

600. You're gonna have to have a long fucking think about why your mate

601. is talking to a fucking cop-doctor.

602. D'ya know what? It wouldn't surprise me if he planned this whole thing

603. to set youse lot up.

604. - Vin? - Are you having a fucking giraffe?

605. Are you seriously listening to Ronnie fucking Croft?

606. No, but why have you got a cop-doctor?

607. I haven't got a cop-doctor, you fucking shining bellend!

608. - That's fucking it. - Hey, hey, hey!

609. I know you're in there!

610. - Open this fricking door. - Dickhead.

611. Shit, it's Erin!

612. - You all right? - Hey.

613. Where's Ronnie? He's not in the van.

614. - How'd you know we were here? - "Find your friend."

615. - I'm not on "Find your friend." - He is.

616. God fucking dammit, Dylan.

617. Fucking hell!

618. - Everything all right, is it? - Yeah?

619. - Yeah? - Don't come in.

620. - Where is he? - No, no, no, no.

621. Erin, no. Erin, no. Fuck.

622. - Hi, Erin. - Hi, Erin.

623. How's things, Erin?

624. - The fuck's going on? - Just chilling out.

625. Please tell me this is just some sort of fucked-up sex thing.

626. - That's what I just said. - You don't understand what

627. we've been dealing with.

628. Your fucking idiot brother's caused all this.

629. I asked you to look after him. Keep him out the way.

630. Why is he in a weed farm with a fucking copper

631. - tied to a chair? Who's he? - Cop-doctor.

632. - He's a cop-doctor. - Ronnie, shut the fuck up.

633. This is exactly what I've been dealing with all day.

634. Threatening, bullying behaviour. "Shut the F up Ronnie."

635. "Ronnie, I'm gonna effing F you up, Ronnie."

636. - It's been hard. It's been really tough. - Shut up, Ronald.

637. You said to kill him, eliminate the witness.

638. - I'm offering no options, Erin. - Shut up. Shut up!

639. Why is there a police officer tied to a chair?

640. All right. Officer Slater, was standing guard outside,

641. we've had to accidentally kidnap him a little bit. Haven't we, Carl?

642. Carl… Carl Slater as in, Carl Slater that bums dogs?

643. Yeah! What are you all doing?

644. Stop it with the dog bumming thing. Listen, it's not helpful.

645. He's still a little bit sore about that. He says we're all going

646. - to jail for kidnapping. You're all a bunch of idiots.

647. Idiots, man.

648. - But you. - What?

649. - You're a special kind of idiot, you are. - Erin…

650. How the fuck do you manage to ruin everything?

651. - I don't, I bring some colour… - Yes, you fucking do.

652. Not only do you ruin your own life, you ruin mine as well!

653. - I'm not ruining it. I came to say hello. - You are.

654. - I'm an accessory now, sent to prison. - Erin, Erin.

655. - Tyler's gonna go to fucking care. - Erin! Erin!

656. - Erin! - Come here, Ronnie.

657. I'll fucking have you, Ronnie! Get off.

658. Erin, I'm not… Fuck.

659. Listen to me. I'm gonna go and deal with this.

660. Go and get everything in that fucking van sharpish.

661. - We've gotta get her out of here. - What about these two?

662. We're gonna have to take 'em with us.

663. Where is she?

664. Negotiate Cardi's massive hole.

665. Not for the first time, I'll tell you.

666. Shut up.

667. Listen, we've got about 35 minutes

668. until two vans full of coppers descend on this place.

669. - We've gotta get out of here. What's the point?

670. You know, I must've done something fucking terrible in a previous life.

671. I'm stuck on a karmic roundabout and I can't get off.

672. What am I looking at for aiding and abetting?

673. This is all my fault, you know.

674. - It is. - It's not.

675. I dragged Dylan here.

676. I'm probably the reason Slater turned out like he did.

677. I took it out on him when my mum was bad.

678. They called it bouts, back then.

679. They didn't call it bipolar.

680. It was just bouts.

681. She was all over the place.

682. I mean, wallpapering the kitchen before breakfast one minute and…

683. standing in the school yard the next,

684. crying 'cause we hadn't got milk.

685. I should've moved away.

686. But I was scared, you know, I was scared that

687. maybe if she did come back…

688. If she came back, she wouldn't know where to find me.

689. It's like when you're little, you know,

690. if you get lost in a supermarket.

691. My mum used to say, "Just stay put.

692. "Stay put, I'll come and find you…"

693. and I did. I stayed put…

694. and she just didn't come back.

695. It's been 20 years, I've been stuck in the same bloody supermarket.

696. She still hasn't come back for me.

697. I'm supposed to listen to all your problems.

698. Bloody offloaded me own.

699. What if he's got it? Tyler?

700. What if he's got bad blood and he got it from me?

701. He hasn't, he's fine.

702. And if he has, we deal with it.

703. I don't want him to know I'm his real dad.

704. I just don't want him thinking this is how you end up, you know.

705. No. I want him to be a real man.

706. Like Dylan.

707. I reckon…

708. I reckon, if I didn't know my mum and dad…

709. You know, if you could just get rid of all the bad memories…

710. I could've been a completely different person.

711. Just start fresh, you know.

712. - Oh, my God. - Erin?

713. I need five minutes. Ten, max.

714. God's sake, Carl.

715. It's ridiculous. How much have you had to drink?

716. - Who's been giving him fucking drinks? - You did you bloody idiot, upstairs.

717. Well, no more liquids for him.

718. He's like bloody Seabiscuit down here.

719. Why am I the only one holding his horrible, little, pale knob?

720. - Let me get in. - What you doing?

721. - I'm trying to help. - You're making it really weird, Cardi!

722. It's like a threesome now.

723. - Vinnie? - What?

724. - Do you need a pee and all? - Yeah.

725. - Right. Grab him, will you? - It's all right, I can do it.

726. Why isn't he strapped to the fucking chair?

727. - That was your job, bellend. - Not my job, your job.

728. Whoa, Carl. On me bloody hand.

729. - Fucking hell, splash back. - Get off. Get off.

730. Me new jeans, you pillock.

731. I despair, fucking despair. Where's Dylan?

732. Dyldo. Dyl? Can you text your bird and find out where she is?

733. We need to get the fuck out of here, dude.

734. It definitely looks like a sex thing.

735. What are you so happy about?

736. Come.

737. How do.

738. You're going to have a lovely long sleep…

739. and when you wake up you're going to feel wonderfully refreshed,

740. and unable to remember anything from the last 24 hours.

741. - Counting back now from ten.

742. Nine.

743. Eight.

744. You did bum a dog.

745. Seven. Six.

746. It were a poodle.

747. Five. Four.

748. Three. Two.

749. One.

750. - Thank you. Thank you. - Oh!

751. - You are a bloody lifesaver, man. - Thank you.

752. Oh!

753. - Namaste. - Namaste.

754. Christ.

755. - What a ledge. - He's a bloody lunatic.

756. We fucking did it. All right, come on, come on, come on. Come on.

757. Where's our Dylan? Dyldo.

758. Dyldo.

759. Wait, where's Ronnie?

760. - What's he doing? - Adios, dickheads,

761. it's been a pleasure. Erin, I love you.

762. Pump the brakes!

763. What a cracking night.

764. I nicked a car and the antiques, they were in the boot.

765. - This for horses? - Is it fuck for horses!

766. Where's my antique dildo?

767. There's a guy in the pub and he topped himself.

768. You prick.

769. I think I could make you really happy.

770. Please don't cut my dick off in a pawn shop, man. Don't. Don't.