1. Hey, Lisa from 3-B, care
to join my study group?Copy !req
2. Why are you
studying in the hall?Copy !req
3. So I can talk to girls.Copy !req
4. Knock yourself out.Copy !req
5. You're pretty.
Back at you.Copy !req
6. Hey, thank you.Copy !req
7. Hey, Jack.Copy !req
8. Please tell me you were just trying
to get out of a traffic ticket.Copy !req
9. Will you stop? I passed by the
Gamma Epsilon fraternity.Copy !req
10. There's a big party. All the
girls were there, so I pledged.Copy !req
11. Yeah, but doesn't that make you
feel, like, humiliated, man?Copy !req
12. Yes, it does. I paid
$200 for this dress.Copy !req
13. I'm never going to
get to wear it again.Copy !req
14. College is easy.Copy !req
15. So I guess this is where
Eric and Jack study, huh?Copy !req
16. Study? Oh, my dear,
sweet, little Cory.Copy !req
17. Let me show you what college
is all about, okay?Copy !req
18. Hi. I'm Shawn Hunter.Copy !req
19. Jennifer Crane from 3-B.
You guys live here?Copy !req
20. I do indeedy.Copy !req
21. That's college talk.Copy !req
22. So, how do you
like Pennbrook?Copy !req
23. Oh, no, no.
Shawn doesn't go to...Copy !req
24. I love Pennbrook.Copy !req
25. Old buildings,
pretty girls.Copy !req
26. So you're taking Introduction
to Western Philosophy?Copy !req
27. Yes, I am.Copy !req
28. Another relationship
starting off on a lie.Copy !req
29. So, I'll see you in class tomorrow?
Okay.Copy !req
30. I'll save you a seat.Copy !req
31. Would you look at that?Copy !req
32. First day of college,
and I got me a girlfriend.Copy !req
33. Now, who can tell me what's
wrong with that sentence?Copy !req
34. I can.Copy !req
35. I know, Miss Lawrence,
but you're already 10 for 10.Copy !req
36. Oh, why don't we
try Mr. Matthews?Copy !req
37. Mmm, he won't
know this one.Copy !req
38. Mr. Matthews?Copy !req
39. She's 11 for 11.Copy !req
40. You know,
I'm not surprisedCopy !req
41. that no one knows the
answer to that question.Copy !req
42. I do.Copy !req
43. Many of you have
forgotten the basics.Copy !req
44. Now, this is alarming because you'll
be entering college next fall...Copy !req
45. Mr. Hunter?
Huh?Copy !req
46. Clipping coupons?Copy !req
47. Yep. Odor-Eaters.
$2.49 for a dozen,Copy !req
48. and my Christmas
shopping is done.Copy !req
49. This is your senior year,
your last chance, Mr. Hunter.Copy !req
50. If you don't
apply yourself now,Copy !req
51. how do you expect
to make it in college?Copy !req
52. I don't.Copy !req
53. Uh, Mr. Feeny.Copy !req
54. Listen, I'm worried
about Shawn.Copy !req
55. Isn't there anything
you can do to help him?Copy !req
56. I've been trying
for four years.Copy !req
57. What more would you have
me do, Mr. Matthews?Copy !req
58. Hi. Major fraternity
party Friday night.Copy !req
59. I'm the head cheese
at the fraternity,Copy !req
60. and I can't wait
to see you all there.Copy !req
61. Singles only, okay? No children.
Great. I'll see you.Copy !req
62. Fraternity party! Fraternity
party, Friday night! Hey, buddy.Copy !req
63. Eric, this fraternity
party's at our apartment.Copy !req
64. Yes, it is. You know,
you were absolutely right.Copy !req
65. That hazing was so humiliating,
I came up with my own idea.Copy !req
66. I'm going to start
a fraternity of my own.Copy !req
67. That way, the girls
will come to me.Copy !req
68. I don't have to
wear a dress anymore.Copy !req
69. Unless, you know,
I want to.Copy !req
70. When the dean finds out
what you're doing, man,Copy !req
71. he's gonna kick
you out of school.Copy !req
72. No! See,
the dean adores me.Copy !req
73. Why are you in my
college hallway?Copy !req
74. I'm passing out flyers.Copy !req
75. Everybody's got a flyer.Copy !req
76. If it ain't the chess guys,
it's the drama freaks.Copy !req
77. Save this,
conserve that.Copy !req
78. Ever since Kinko's opened,
everybody's flyer crazy.Copy !req
79. I think you're going to
like this one, buddy.Copy !req
80. Good old-fashioned
fraternity party.Copy !req
81. And it's all his idea. I'm on
my way to the library, sir.Copy !req
82. Why is your name on it?Copy !req
83. Why is my name on it?Copy !req
84. We're the founding members.Copy !req
85. What's the name
of your fraternity?Copy !req
86. It's...Copy !req
87. It's Magnum Pi.Copy !req
88. Started at the
University of Hawaii.Copy !req
89. Hey!Copy !req
90. You ever heard
of this Magnum Pi?Copy !req
91. Get out of here.Copy !req
92. He's not right
in the head.Copy !req
93. Hey, Topanga, listen,
I'm glad you're here.Copy !req
94. Feeny's on the warpath because
Shawn's cutting classes,Copy !req
95. so I'm writing an excuse
from Shawn's parents.Copy !req
96. How do you
spell Shawn?Copy !req
97. You don't know how to spell
your best friend's name?Copy !req
98. Well, we're phone people.
Is it S-H-A-W-N or S-E-A-N?Copy !req
99. It's S-H-A-W-N,
and where is he?Copy !req
100. Jennifer.Copy !req
101. Hi, Shawn. Come down here.
I saved a seat for you.Copy !req
102. No. Why don't you come on
and sit in the back?Copy !req
103. You, stop talking and
take a seat down here.Copy !req
104. When we left off yesterday,Copy !req
105. we were analyzing French philosopher
Jacques Buridan's paradox.Copy !req
106. A hungry dog is
placed an equal distanceCopy !req
107. between two bowls containing
equal amounts of food.Copy !req
108. Which does he choose?Copy !req
109. Not me. Not me.Copy !req
110. Jennifer.Copy !req
111. Buridan concluded that the
dog would starve to death,Copy !req
112. implying that we
can only choose thatCopy !req
113. which our reason tells
us is the greater good.Copy !req
114. Refute this argument using
dialectic reasoning. You.Copy !req
115. Um...Copy !req
116. Well, I think the dog would
choose the food on the right.Copy !req
117. That's one way to go.
Why not the left?Copy !req
118. Okay, the left.Copy !req
119. Doesn't really matter. I mean,
anybody would eat somethingCopy !req
120. before they
starved to death.Copy !req
121. Did the rest of you see
what he just did there?Copy !req
122. He skipped right ahead
to Schopenhauer's theoryCopy !req
123. that the will to live is the
predominant human trait.Copy !req
124. Name?
Shawn.Copy !req
125. Non-linear thinking. Good.Copy !req
126. Wow! Schopenhauer.Copy !req
127. That's like
graduate level.Copy !req
128. Really?Copy !req
129. I like the way
your mind works.Copy !req
130. Free will.
Want to take a shot?Copy !req
131. Do I really
have a choice?Copy !req
132. Ooh!Copy !req
133. I got to take five.Copy !req
134. Shawnie. Hey, finally working on
your paper for Feeny's class, huh?Copy !req
135. Actually, I'm writing a
biography on Schopenhauer.Copy !req
136. The comic
or the singer?Copy !req
137. The philosopher.Copy !req
138. But, you know, I wouldn't
expect you to know that.Copy !req
139. It's not stuff that they
cover in high school.Copy !req
140. You're still pretending
to be in college,Copy !req
141. so you can impress
that girl Jennifer, huh?Copy !req
142. Cory, this isn't
even about her anymore.Copy !req
143. I like philosophy,
and I'm good at it.Copy !req
144. Yeah, but, Shawn,
we always saidCopy !req
145. that we're gonna end
up in college together.Copy !req
146. I mean, if you don't
finish high school,Copy !req
147. that's never
going to happen.Copy !req
148. I'm already in college. Obviously,
I don't need high school.Copy !req
149. We got Feeny,
okay? Let's go.Copy !req
150. Cory, Cory, no, come on. I got
to write my philosophy paper.Copy !req
151. Okay, fine, but that's
it, Shawn, all right?Copy !req
152. I will not compromise my name
and cover for you again.Copy !req
153. Mr. Matthews,Copy !req
154. where is Mr. Hunter?Copy !req
155. Alaska?Copy !req
156. That remark will cost
you a 500-word essay.Copy !req
157. Mr. Feeny, come on, I'm just
trying to help out a friend here.Copy !req
158. Make that 1,000 words on what
helping out a friend really means.Copy !req
159. Mr. Feeny, don't you think you're
being a little harsh on Cory?Copy !req
160. I mean, he waters your plants
when you're out of town.Copy !req
161. Two thousand words.Copy !req
162. That's not fair. He
didn't even say anything.Copy !req
163. Miss Lawrence, you just bought the
entire class the same assignment.Copy !req
164. And I want it
by tomorrow.Copy !req
165. Oh! What?Copy !req
166. Now, perhaps someone can
tell me where Mr. Hunter is.Copy !req
167. Excuse me.Copy !req
168. I don't know if this makes up for
anything, but lunch is on us, huh?Copy !req
169. Mr. Hunter, class has begun.
I suggest you join us.Copy !req
170. Thanks for the invite, but
I've got to finish this paper.Copy !req
171. I'm not asking you,
Mr. Hunter.Copy !req
172. This is high school.Copy !req
173. I'm the teacher and
you're the student.Copy !req
174. Well, that certainly
is one point of view,Copy !req
175. but I believe that there's
still room for discussion.Copy !req
176. Are you refusing
to come to class?Copy !req
177. No, I am not refusing.Copy !req
178. I am exercising
my free will.Copy !req
179. Then I will exercise mine.
You are hereby suspended.Copy !req
180. End of discussion.Copy !req
181. Suspended students are
not allowed in school.Copy !req
182. Now, I have a room full of
students who want to learn,Copy !req
183. so good day,
Mr. Hunter.Copy !req
184. Shawn.Copy !req
185. How could you
do this to him?Copy !req
186. This is his senior year.
How can you suspend him?Copy !req
187. He suspended himself.Copy !req
188. If he wants to
join all the othersCopy !req
189. who failed to live
up to their potential,Copy !req
190. that is his choice.Copy !req
191. But it's Shawn.Copy !req
192. Yes, I know.Copy !req
193. I don't want to
talk about it, okay?Copy !req
194. Yeah, well, I do. You took
that out of my closet.Copy !req
195. I'm pledging Omega,
all right?Copy !req
196. The dean thinks
I'm in a fraternity,Copy !req
197. let him think I'm
in a real fraternity.Copy !req
198. I love him, okay?
And he loves me.Copy !req
199. Eric, he doesn't
love you.Copy !req
200. Oh, yeah?
If he doesn't love me,Copy !req
201. how come he's coming to see
me right now, then, hmm?Copy !req
202. Eric. Hi, Shelly.Copy !req
203. Listen, Matthews, I
happen to have a nieceCopy !req
204. who attends the University
of Hawaii in Oahu,Copy !req
205. and she has no knowledge
of this Magnum Pi.Copy !req
206. What do you
make of that?Copy !req
207. Well, we have
no Oahu chapter.Copy !req
208. However, we are very big on the
island of Humina Humina Humina Who.Copy !req
209. How are you funded?Copy !req
210. Alumni.Copy !req
211. I want names. You!Copy !req
212. I don't know.Copy !req
213. You're out of school.Copy !req
214. Famous celebrity alumni.Copy !req
215. Well, I would
love to know who.Copy !req
216. Love to know who. Love.Copy !req
217. Love... Love Boat.Copy !req
218. The Love Boat's Ted Lange
and Bernie Kopell, sir.Copy !req
219. Oh! What fun!Copy !req
220. Well, I'll look forward to meeting
them at your fraternity party.Copy !req
221. And as soon as you started
talking, I knew you were Jack.Copy !req
222. Come inside,
you hussy.Copy !req
223. Look, not everybody is going
to get Nietzsche right away.Copy !req
224. The key is to read it
in its original German.Copy !req
225. Tutor me.Copy !req
226. Okay. Today we're going
to explore structuralism.Copy !req
227. Psst, hey!Copy !req
228. What are you
doing here?Copy !req
229. Listen, you've got to come
back and talk to Feeny, okay?Copy !req
230. This is nonsense.
You don't belong here.Copy !req
231. You! Oh, my God, I've been hit.Copy !req
232. Life, mortality, existence.
What are your thoughts?Copy !req
233. Oh, I'm just visiting.Copy !req
234. Oh. Like in,
"We're all just visiting."Copy !req
235. Yes. Yes. Exactly.Copy !req
236. That's bull!Copy !req
237. See? This is what happens
in philosophy class.Copy !req
238. You throw out a few cliches, and I'm
supposed to be impressed. I'm not!Copy !req
239. I wish I wasn't here.Copy !req
240. Now, see? That's a
good starting point.Copy !req
241. I'm sorry. Sometimes I just
get a little frustrated.Copy !req
242. I look at you
and wonderCopy !req
243. how many of you should
still be in high school.Copy !req
244. Here are your papers.Copy !req
245. Listen, are you going
to come back or not?Copy !req
246. Cory, I belong here.Copy !req
247. Shawn, I was very
surprised by yours.Copy !req
248. Yes, sir.Copy !req
249. I was expecting a scholarly
work of real accomplishment.Copy !req
250. An "F."Copy !req
251. I didn't even
get yours.Copy !req
252. I don't believe this.Copy !req
253. Listen, Shawn, it's okay. I mean,
you're not in this class anyway.Copy !req
254. No, no, this has got to be a mistake.
I really know this stuff.Copy !req
255. I've got to talk to him.Copy !req
256. Excuse me, Professor.Copy !req
257. I worked really hard on this paper.
I don't understand.Copy !req
258. Shawn, except for a few promising
ideas, it was poorly written.Copy !req
259. It was disorganized
and sloppily researched.Copy !req
260. But you said
I had a good mind.Copy !req
261. You do.
But you're in college.Copy !req
262. You're supposed
to know the basics.Copy !req
263. I don't have time
to teach them to you.Copy !req
264. Okay, class,
let's move on.Copy !req
265. I don't belong
in high school.Copy !req
266. I don't belong
in college.Copy !req
267. Listen, talk to Feeny.Copy !req
268. You!Copy !req
269. Schopenhauer.Copy !req
270. Me.Copy !req
271. Leaving.Copy !req
272. Yeah, it's good to
have you on board, Jack.Copy !req
273. Yeah, well, the only
reason I'm hereCopy !req
274. is because as long
as I wore that dress,Copy !req
275. I couldn't
shake the dean.Copy !req
276. Then let the fraternity
party games begin.Copy !req
277. Girls, to the closet.Copy !req
278. All right.Copy !req
279. Freeze!Copy !req
280. You two think I'm a
clown, don't you?Copy !req
281. Dean Bozo!Copy !req
282. Well, it's been
fun toying with you,Copy !req
283. but now I'm bored.Copy !req
284. We all know
there's no Magnum Pi,Copy !req
285. but what really
fries my dean buttCopy !req
286. is you promised I'd get
a chance to mingleCopy !req
287. with The Love Boat's
Ted Lange and Bernie Kopell.Copy !req
288. Jack, take my
hand and pray.Copy !req
289. What are you, scared, man?
You're not?Copy !req
290. Not at all.Copy !req
291. Can I fix
anybody a drink?Copy !req
292. Ted!Copy !req
293. Look, Dean,
The Love Boat guys.Copy !req
294. Why do you always have
to do the finger thing?Copy !req
295. 'Cause I know
you hate it.Copy !req
296. You still resent me for
outranking you on the boat.Copy !req
297. Bernie, you do know that you're
not a real doctor, right?Copy !req
298. You called them?Copy !req
299. Of course
I called them, man.Copy !req
300. I want to live. I want
to stay in school.Copy !req
301. Ted Lange, Bernie Kopell, I'm the
dean here at Pennbrook University.Copy !req
302. A fan
from way back.Copy !req
303. As the two most prominent
celebrity alumni of Magnum Pi,Copy !req
304. we would like to say we couldn't be
prouder of our Pennbrook chapterCopy !req
305. and the dean
who supports it.Copy !req
306. Can I fix
anybody a drink?Copy !req
307. They have drinks,
and it's getting old.Copy !req
308. Boys, you both proved
something to me today.Copy !req
309. I was drunk when I hired
the dean of admissions.Copy !req
310. You poodles
actually believeCopy !req
311. that I'd be impressed by a
couple of guys from Love Boat?Copy !req
312. No offense.
Big fan.Copy !req
313. Hey, we don't care.
We get paid either way.Copy !req
314. All right, boys,Copy !req
315. first thing tomorrow morning,
consider Magnum Pi closed.Copy !req
316. Right now, Bernie and Ted, you're
coming home to meet my mom.Copy !req
317. We ordinarily do just
one appearance a night.Copy !req
318. She's a big
Get Smart fan.Copy !req
319. Well, I don't suppose it
would kill us to stop by.Copy !req
320. Bernie, you know
you're not the headCopy !req
321. of a secret organization
known as KAOS, right?Copy !req
322. Well, Jack,
tomorrow we're closed.Copy !req
323. But tonight,
we're open.Copy !req
324. Ladies...Copy !req
325. To the closet!Copy !req
326. George, hi.Copy !req
327. We just got back
from Glaciers.Copy !req
328. You in the mood
for a yogurt?Copy !req
329. Why can't I
offer him a yogurt?Copy !req
330. Do you not understand
the concept of a whisper?Copy !req
331. I think this might
have something to doCopy !req
332. with my suspending
Shawn Hunter.Copy !req
333. You suspended Shawn?Copy !req
334. Can you believe that?Copy !req
335. Shawn's senior year.
His most important year,Copy !req
336. and Feeny suspends him.Copy !req
337. Mr. Matthews, Shawn was skipping
class, mouthing off to me.Copy !req
338. He practically asked
to be suspended. Fine.Copy !req
339. Okay, fine.
But this is Shawn here.Copy !req
340. Every year, I watch bright kids
like Shawn fall through the cracks.Copy !req
341. How do you
think it feels?Copy !req
342. Cory, this isn't
Mr. Feeny's fault.Copy !req
343. You should give
him another chance.Copy !req
344. He's given me
plenty of chances.Copy !req
345. Look, Mr. Feeny, I...Copy !req
346. I didn't treat you with the
respect that you deserve.Copy !req
347. Come on, let's take
these yogurts inside.Copy !req
348. Are you asking to come
back to school, Shawn?Copy !req
349. Yes. Yes, he is. He is.Copy !req
350. I shouldn't be wasting
any of Mr. Feeny's time.Copy !req
351. You've never wasted
any of my time.Copy !req
352. Mr. Feeny, did you know that Shawn's
taking college courses at Pennbrook?Copy !req
353. Is that right, Shawn?Copy !req
354. I guess it's like
Buridan's paradox.Copy !req
355. There were two bowls
placed in front of me.Copy !req
356. One was high school
and one was college.Copy !req
357. I chose college.Copy !req
358. Why don't you
show him your paper?Copy !req
359. It's no good.Copy !req
360. May I read it?Copy !req
361. It's just an "F."Copy !req
362. You know, another "F"
to add to the scrapbook.Copy !req
363. Well, I can see you have
some grammar problems here.Copy !req
364. And the structure
is way off.Copy !req
365. This entire paper
is in one sentence.Copy !req
366. But it's good.Copy !req
367. Clearly, college level.Copy !req
368. Really?Copy !req
369. 'Cause, you know, I was
kind of enjoying college.Copy !req
370. For the first time,
I saw myself there.Copy !req
371. I always
saw you there.Copy !req
372. So did I.Copy !req
373. But, Shawn, you must
come back to class.Copy !req
374. You have to learn the basics, and
I'm going to keep teaching it.Copy !req
375. That is my philosophy.Copy !req
376. And every now and then, I'll throw
in a little Schopenhauer for you.Copy !req
377. What do you know
about Schopenhauer?Copy !req
378. Probably not as
much as you do,Copy !req
379. but I'm willing
to learn.Copy !req
380. So, Bernie, Ted, don't
you just love my family?Copy !req
381. Oh! We had
a wonderful evening.Copy !req
382. You're really
delightful people,Copy !req
383. but we really should be
heading back to the airport.Copy !req
384. Oh, nonsense! Come
on, one more story.Copy !req
385. It's not every day we get to meet a
couple celebrities from the TV, huh?Copy !req
386. Okay.Copy !req
387. One more story.Copy !req
388. When Cory was seven, he
fell off of his bicycle...Copy !req
389. The tooth fairy story.Copy !req
390. That's a good one.Copy !req
391. With the teeth.
We already heard this one.Copy !req
392. When?Copy !req
393. Six hours ago. For the
love of God, let us go!Copy !req
394. No, you sit.
My son paid you.Copy !req
395. You sit and you listen
to my wife's stories.Copy !req
396. Bernie, I'm scared.Copy !req
397. Love Boat stalkers.Copy !req
398. How'd you like
to live here?Copy !req
399. Anyway, Cory looked
under his pillow.Copy !req
400. But that's not
the story.Copy !req
401. This is the story.Copy !req
402. This is so good.Copy !req