1. Whoo! Come on, Baby Humans!Copy !req
2. Oh, oh. You gotta try
a Chicago-style baked potato.Copy !req
3. Why does everything
have to be "Chicago-style" here?Copy !req
4. We get it. We're in Chicago.Copy !req
5. - Come on. Just try it.
- Look at this.Copy !req
6. Fork and knife individually wrapped.Copy !req
7. - So much plastic!
- Oh!Copy !req
8. - Oops.
- Yeah. "Oops."Copy !req
9. Or the Chicago Baby Humans are owned
by the brother of the CEO of Plastico.Copy !req
10. And we are thereby complicitCopy !req
11. in this incestuous money-laundering
scheme that's, oh,Copy !req
12. by the way, killing the planet.Copy !req
13. But what are you gonna do, right?Copy !req
14. - Good morning, beautiful.
- Oh!Copy !req
15. Wanna go try and hit
a Chicago-style museum?Copy !req
16. Oh, I'd love to, but I really have
to work on my book. Next time.Copy !req
17. Great! I've made my romantic offer.
I've officially been a good boyfriend.Copy !req
18. I will now retreat to our living room
to play video games all day.Copy !req
19. Hello. I am Diane,Copy !req
20. and I am a young girl living in Boston
and ever since I was that,Copy !req
21. I wanted to write good things
that were good,Copy !req
22. this is not good, fix this later.Copy !req
23. Diane, as your father,
I am very unsupportive.Copy !req
24. Come up with examples
of Dad being unsupportive.Copy !req
25. Okay, yes.
And, also, the girls from high school.Copy !req
26. Hey, I'm Krissy Keating.Copy !req
27. Can you use my real name?Copy !req
28. Check if it's okay to use my real name.Copy !req
29. Anyway, I was a real bitch to you,Copy !req
30. but now maybe you're realizing
I was bullied, too?Copy !req
31. - Is any of this interesting?
- Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
32. Put me in your book.
Remember I gave you that salad bowl?Copy !req
33. And I broke the bowl!Copy !req
34. Answer your phone.Copy !req
35. And I glued it back together with goldCopy !req
36. because I read an article
about the Japanese art of kintsugi!Copy !req
37. - And it fell apart again.
- It kept falling apart like our marriage!Copy !req
38. Is that something?
Is any of this anything?Copy !req
39. Diane. Answer your phone.
I'm calling you right now.Copy !req
40. What?Copy !req
41. - Hello?
- Hey, Diane.Copy !req
42. If I had my shitty students
do a night of scenes hereCopy !req
43. at the end of the semester,
would you come see it?Copy !req
44. It's gonna suck, so I wanna pack the house
with friendly faces.Copy !req
45. When you sell it like that,
how can I resist?Copy !req
46. How's that book coming?Copy !req
47. - I'm actually at the mall, writing it now.
- Why are you writing at the mall?Copy !req
48. I couldn't focus at home
and this is the only placeCopy !req
49. I could sit and work for ten hours.Copy !req
50. I can get lunch here, I can people-watch,Copy !req
51. all without having to endure
what the Chicagoans refer to as "spring."Copy !req
52. Hey, Chicago, 49 degrees is not spring.Copy !req
53. - It's the non-Lachey half of a boy band.
- What?Copy !req
54. Forty-nine! Half of 98?Copy !req
55. Diane, don't workshop your material
in casual conversation.Copy !req
56. Howie Mandel used to do it, too.
Like, really, Howie?Copy !req
57. You just happened to have a rubber glove
in your pocket?Copy !req
58. All I need to do now
is actually write my book.Copy !req
59. I have so many stories to tell,Copy !req
60. but I can't seem to figure out
what the book is.Copy !req
61. You gonna put any stories
about me in there?Copy !req
62. - I think I've written about you enough.
- But no one else is as good at it!Copy !req
63. I'm sure someone will rise
to the occasion.Copy !req
64. Baxter, darling, I've just a moment
to update you on the progressCopy !req
65. of our Penny Carson crusade.Copy !req
66. So far, we've been able to contact three
of the four Penny CarsonsCopy !req
67. listed in New Mexico.Copy !req
68. Baxter, there's nowhere I'd rather be
than on our honeymoon cruise to "Unjuga,"Copy !req
69. but I simply can't stop now.Copy !req
70. We're on the lookout for the fourth Penny,
and, God willing, she'll be the lucky one.Copy !req
71. Oh! Hey.Copy !req
72. Caw-caw! Caw-caw!Copy !req
73. Oh...
Sorry, I didn't mean you. Paige!Copy !req
74. Kisses, Baxter dear,
it appears we've found our deer.Copy !req
75. Okay. Book, here we go.Copy !req
76. I grow up in Boston town
because my father,Copy !req
77. who I never was close with,
live in Boston.Copy !req
78. That's not right English,
I'll fix it later.Copy !req
79. Me from Boston.Copy !req
80. Well, you're not from Boston, but yeah.Copy !req
81. - Whatever for now.
- Beantown.Copy !req
82. To really understand
what it's like to grow up in Boston,Copy !req
83. you actually have to go back 250 years
to the Boston Tea Party.Copy !req
84. Taxation without representation
is wicked unjust, bro!Copy !req
85. Bro, check it out.
I'm teabaggin' the harbor.Copy !req
86. Oh, no freakin' way.Copy !req
87. - Go, Pats. Unrelated.
- Stop.Copy !req
88. - I'm getting distracted.
- Why can't you stay focused?Copy !req
89. What's wrong with your head, Deedee?Copy !req
90. The idea behind
the Japanese art of kintsugiCopy !req
91. is that cracks in an object
are part of its history.Copy !req
92. - What does that have to do with anything?
- We have to look at trauma!Copy !req
93. Ugh.Copy !req
94. We totally have to look at Trauma.Copy !req
95. - What?
- There's a spring sale.Copy !req
96. Forty percent off.Copy !req
97. Ooh!Copy !req
98. Did you hearCopy !req
99. security still can't figure out
who's stealing wallets? Like...Copy !req
100. I bet my life it's that hag Devon
from the hair crimper cart.Copy !req
101. Oh, my God, yes,
that theory is beast, Ivy.Copy !req
102. - Excuse me, I'm sorry...
- We forgive you.Copy !req
103. You know the story about Gemberly, right?
What they found in her locker?Copy !req
104. - Tell me.
- It was a...Copy !req
105. I meant "Pardon me, I need another size."Copy !req
106. But I can't seem to find
a number on the tag?Copy !req
107. - We don't see size here at Trauma.
- Okay, but can you help me?Copy !req
108. Sure. I think it would help
if you figured outCopy !req
109. why you need to put a number on your body,
and let me get back to this mystery.Copy !req
110. Thanks.Copy !req
111. Hello?Copy !req
112. Oh, my God,
she's like taking a phone call.Copy !req
113. Diane! Great news!Copy !req
114. "Birthday Dad" premiered last night
to a 0.006,Copy !req
115. which is the biggest network hitCopy !req
116. since the inventor
of blood-scented perfumeCopy !req
117. went on Shark Tank
and got her arm bitten off.Copy !req
118. Great!Copy !req
119. Meanwhile, my company's running
like gangbusters.Copy !req
120. Is gangbusters a slur of some sort?Copy !req
121. - Can we still say gangbusters?
- I'll look into it.Copy !req
122. And with Todd watching the baby,
my work-life balance is on point.Copy !req
123. - Did you call me just to brag?
- I was thinking...Copy !req
124. What would make my work-life balance
even on pointier?Copy !req
125. And it hit me: more work!Copy !req
126. So, I thought I'd check in
and see how your book's doing.Copy !req
127. Oh. I'm still kind of figuring out
what the "is" of it is, you know?Copy !req
128. - It's been six months.
- Okay, I think it's about...Copy !req
129. - Trauma.
- Trauma?Copy !req
130. Or... damage.Copy !req
131. You know, those bowls that breakCopy !req
132. and then the cracks get filled with gold
and then they're even more beautiful?Copy !req
133. Maybe it's like that, you know?Copy !req
134. Like, we've all been damaged,Copy !req
135. but it's good damage
because it makes us more who we are.Copy !req
136. Is that anything?Copy !req
137. Yeah, good damage. I like it.Copy !req
138. Send me the pages
and we'll get 'em to the publisher.Copy !req
139. Okay, but no hurry?Copy !req
140. Okay, but, no. Hurry.Copy !req
141. What can I get ya?Copy !req
142. Some information
with a side order of revelation.Copy !req
143. Is that a type of pasta?Copy !req
144. Oh, also a water. I am parched.Copy !req
145. In fact, why don't you freeze
that water into a cube shapeCopy !req
146. and drop it in some bourbon.Copy !req
147. We're looking to identify
an associate of Sarah Lynn's.Copy !req
148. Sarah Lynn? Is this about BoJack?Copy !req
149. Is it about BoJack?Copy !req
150. I don't know what you're looking for,
but I don't know anything about it.Copy !req
151. Okay? I haven't seen BoJack in years.
Or Sarah Lynn.Copy !req
152. But you have seen them?Copy !req
153. I'm gonna go ask the kitchen
about your pasta.Copy !req
154. BoJack?Copy !req
155. Wait, that's the fellow
from the police report,Copy !req
156. who found the dead girl
in the planetarium.Copy !req
157. - Yes?
- Found the dead girl.Copy !req
158. Are you smelling what I'm smelling?Copy !req
159. If he was also with her
at the AA meeting...Copy !req
160. Well, then why wouldn't he mention it
to the police? What's he hiding?Copy !req
161. You're starting to make more sense
than a change machine.Copy !req
162. Yeah, speaking of cents,
what happened to Penny?Copy !req
163. - Oh, poop! Our scoop's flown the coop!
- Go, go, go! Gotta stay in the loop!Copy !req
164. "So in a way, that salad bowl was me,
and the cracks... were also me..."Copy !req
165. - Ugh! It sucks, I'm sorry.
- It's a first draft.Copy !req
166. I can't remember what happened when
and I keep getting distracted.Copy !req
167. It's because of the meds.
This is what I was afraid would happen.Copy !req
168. But isn't it worth it?Copy !req
169. You've been feeling
so much better, right?Copy !req
170. I do feel lighter, and clearer,
but also so foggy.Copy !req
171. You feel clear and foggy?
How is that even possible?Copy !req
172. - I don't know! Because of the fog.
- Hey. Stick with it.Copy !req
173. - With the writing? Or the fog?
- Both.Copy !req
174. Okay. So, start at the beginning.Copy !req
175. I'm a baby.Copy !req
176. Hey, baby!Copy !req
177. Isn't it great to grow up in a comfortable
upper-middle class home,Copy !req
178. surrounded by love?Copy !req
179. But I didn't grow up surrounded by love.
That's the problem.Copy !req
180. You were fine!
Name one example of me being a bad dad.Copy !req
181. Uh, okay! What about how you made me lose
on purpose at BoggleCopy !req
182. so my brothers would think they were,
quote, "wicked smarter than a girl."Copy !req
183. - That's all you got?
- I got other things!Copy !req
184. There was lots of shit. Constantly!
I just can't express...Copy !req
185. Is this what your book is?
Just you complaining?Copy !req
186. As your target audience,
I'm not hooked yet.Copy !req
187. You are not my target audience.Copy !req
188. This book is like bore me
with a spoon, Diane.Copy !req
189. You know the story about Gemberly, right?Copy !req
190. - What they found in her locker?
- Tell me.Copy !req
191. It was a note from the thief,
saying where all the wallets were hidden.Copy !req
192. What? What is this? I'm trying to write
about my childhood trauma.Copy !req
193. - Who are you?
- I'm Ivy.Copy !req
194. My mom and I just moved to Chicago
from Southern California.Copy !req
195. What? No. I can't...Copy !req
196. My dad died and we needed a new start.Copy !req
197. I don't really get Chicago yet,
and the winters are cold AF,Copy !req
198. so I hang out at the mall a lot.Copy !req
199. Malls are fun!Copy !req
200. Or "beast," which is slang
that young people like me say.Copy !req
201. - You're Ivy Tran, right?
- Ivy T. That's me!Copy !req
202. I-I need help.Copy !req
203. Someone's been filching onesiesCopy !req
204. by the twosies
from the fourth floor Baby Hole,Copy !req
205. and if I don't figure out whodunnit,Copy !req
206. my manager's gonna mount my head
on the wall!Copy !req
207. Yes, managers can be very annoying.Copy !req
208. I'll take the case.Copy !req
209. - Oh, and, also, I'm Vietnamese-American.
- Beast.Copy !req
210. "Ivy Tran, Food Court Detective"?Copy !req
211. Well, I like this. It's fun.Copy !req
212. My book is supposed
to be a profound treatise on damage.Copy !req
213. But I can't even access my damage.
I'm too...Copy !req
214. - hopped up on goof-berries!
- What the hell is a goof-berry?Copy !req
215. I need to go to a dark place,
and I can't get there.Copy !req
216. When I'm with you, when we're out,
I feel good, I feel happy,Copy !req
217. but the minute I sit down to write...Copy !req
218. You were having trouble writing
this book when you were depressed,Copy !req
219. and you're having trouble
now that you're not depressed.Copy !req
220. Is it possible that you just...Copy !req
221. - What? That I'm just a shitty writer?
- No.Copy !req
222. That you just don't wanna write this book.Copy !req
223. I do, though. It's just hard.Copy !req
224. But that means it's worthwhile.
Good things are hard.Copy !req
225. I'm not writing
The Mall-related Mysteries of Ivy Tran!Copy !req
226. - Why not?
- Guy, come on.Copy !req
227. - No. You come on.
- You come on.Copy !req
228. Diane, I'm gonna tell you
what I always tell my good friend Eileen.Copy !req
229. - Don't do it.
- Eileen, come on.Copy !req
230. More drugs, please!Copy !req
231. Hello?Copy !req
232. I soft-pitched your book
to Brad Pitt's company, Plan B,Copy !req
233. and Craig Bierko's company, Plan C.Copy !req
234. They're very excited
about the movie adaptation.Copy !req
235. What movie adaptation?Copy !req
236. Gee, I don't know,
a new Robin Hood adaptation.Copy !req
237. No, Diane, the adaptation of your book!Copy !req
238. What book?Copy !req
239. Come to think of it, a new Robin Hood
sounds pretty good. Judah!Copy !req
240. - Maybe from Maid Marian's point of view?
- Directed by Sofia Coppola?Copy !req
241. I'll try Rebecca Ferguson's agent.Copy !req
242. You're still on the phone with me!Copy !req
243. Oh, right. The town has really responded
to your pitch about damage.Copy !req
244. It wasn't a pitch!Copy !req
245. Imagine, all the little Dianes out there,Copy !req
246. just waiting to see their story
on the big screenCopy !req
247. during a brief Oscar-qualifying run
in New York and LA.Copy !req
248. You don't think it's too sad, do you?Copy !req
249. It wouldn't be better
if I wrote something more fun?Copy !req
250. Diane, sad is the new fun.
Besides, the sad is what makes it you!Copy !req
251. - Really?
- Yes! Everyone's very excited.Copy !req
252. But they wanna see pages.Copy !req
253. So, do what you do and get me that sad!Copy !req
254. Just got back word from Sofia.Copy !req
255. She's booked for the next yearCopy !req
256. developing a new Peter Pan
from Wendy's point of view,Copy !req
257. and Rebecca's doing a limited series
about the female ticket-takerCopy !req
258. at the cinema
where Batman's parents got shot.Copy !req
259. Ooh, that's really empowering.
Diane, I gotta go.Copy !req
260. Uh... Ngu-yen?Copy !req
261. N-Ngu-yen?Copy !req
262. No one?Copy !req
263. - Hey, Mom.
- Hey, Pen!Copy !req
264. - What's wrong?
- Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.Copy !req
265. A girl can't visit her mom?
Why are you grilling me?Copy !req
266. Slow down. Breathe.Copy !req
267. Something happened at work.Copy !req
268. Something?Copy !req
269. Or someone... s?Copy !req
270. Did you follow me home?Copy !req
271. If you didn't wanna be followed,Copy !req
272. you should have been more judicious
with the turn signal.Copy !req
273. A lady doesn't need to always announce
where she's headed.Copy !req
274. Yes. Who taught you how to drive?Copy !req
275. - Uh, can I help you?
- Paige Sinclair, intrepid gal reporter.Copy !req
276. And I'm Max!Copy !req
277. Okay.Copy !req
278. We're circling a story
on the last days of Sarah LynnCopy !req
279. and we're trying to nail down a timeline.Copy !req
280. We think your BoJack Horseman
may have played a part.Copy !req
281. I think you should go.Copy !req
282. Well, it was worth a try.Copy !req
283. Actually, I did see Sarah Lynn.
Right before she died.Copy !req
284. Oh! It was very worth a try.Copy !req
285. She came to Oberlin. With BoJack.Copy !req
286. - Whoa! BoJack came to Oberlin?
- And what happened?Copy !req
287. - Nothing. I mean...
- Why didn't you tell me?Copy !req
288. I saw them and told BoJack to leave.
That's it.Copy !req
289. - Were they intoxicated?
- Is BoJack ever not intoxicated?Copy !req
290. - Would you go on the record?
- No, she won't.Copy !req
291. Excuse us,
we are just about to sit down to dinner.Copy !req
292. Do you think BoJack got Sarah Lynn drunk?Copy !req
293. Do you think BoJack got Sarah Lynn drunk?Copy !req
294. - Penny...
- I'm not a kid, okay?Copy !req
295. - We should tell them about Maddy.
- No...Copy !req
296. Who's Maddy?Copy !req
297. My best friend in high school.Copy !req
298. BoJack was living here
and he bought her boozeCopy !req
299. before the prom
and then she got alcohol poisoning.Copy !req
300. I'm sorry, he was living here?Copy !req
301. Oh, what's this, a party?Copy !req
302. Did you guys forget to invite Kyle?Copy !req
303. - Dad...
- Ah, just kidding. Now it's a party.Copy !req
304. Kyle, these folks
are from the refrigerator repair company.Copy !req
305. And I just told them
that our refrigerator is working fineCopy !req
306. and they were just leaving.Copy !req
307. Quite. If you think of anything else,
please do give us a call.Copy !req
308. Ah. You know, the wine fridge
has actually been acting kind of funky.Copy !req
309. Two refrigerators? Ha!
Give my regards to the Rockafellers.Copy !req
310. Can you keep it down, please?Copy !req
311. I couldn't sleep
and you're like shout-whistling at me.Copy !req
312. Hey, I'm just whistling. Chicago-style.Copy !req
313. Don't. Just please be quiet.
I need to write.Copy !req
314. Okay. Okay. Write on.Copy !req
315. - Hey, how was the writing?
- What do you mean?Copy !req
316. You were gonna write today.Copy !req
317. Oh, is the day over?Copy !req
318. - I was just thinking my thoughts...
- Are you all right?Copy !req
319. Oh! Oh, my God!Copy !req
320. - Diane, what's wrong?
- I...Copy !req
321. Oh, oh, oh!Copy !req
322. - It's okay. I got it in the plant.
- Oh! Not in the toilet?Copy !req
323. I'm not gonna put my face in your toilet.Copy !req
324. - Don't be gross.
- Our toilet, baby. We've been over this.Copy !req
325. I had to think fast. Went for the plant.Copy !req
326. Okay, but the sink? Or the shower?
There's so many drains in there.Copy !req
327. I'm sorry. I gotta work.Copy !req
328. Hey. Maybe you can just go back
to bed and you can work in the morning.Copy !req
329. No. Now. Gotta get it done.Copy !req
330. I'm 17 years old. I live in Boston.Copy !req
331. Krissy Keating's a real bitch to me.Copy !req
332. - Was I? Or did you deserve it?
- I deserved it.Copy !req
333. Your problem is you always blame
other people, Deedee.Copy !req
334. - I know.
- Who's a good baby? Not you!Copy !req
335. Where are my pages, Diane?Copy !req
336. I need pages for my beautiful celebrities,
such as Stockard Channing, Tatum O'Neal,Copy !req
337. Patrick Harrison Ford Focus.Copy !req
338. I'm trying to focus.
I'm trying to get to the truth.Copy !req
339. - I think you're afraid of the truth.
- No.Copy !req
340. Your damage isn't interesting
and you're unworthy of love.Copy !req
341. - No, I'm not!
- Of course you are!Copy !req
342. Are you, uh, you know,Copy !req
343. one of those stupid pop culture analogies
I'm always doing?Copy !req
344. Because you're charming at first,
but eventually enough already!Copy !req
345. You think you're a beautiful salad bowl?Copy !req
346. Conceited much?Copy !req
347. More like garden-variety, am I right?Copy !req
348. You blame everyone else
for all your problems,Copy !req
349. but you're the one constant here.Copy !req
350. - Go Pats.
- You're right.Copy !req
351. Diane, what is going on?Copy !req
352. There's a heaviness... on my chest.Copy !req
353. And it's not just my boobs, even though,
yes, my boobs are heavier now.Copy !req
354. - Hey. Talk to me.
- I stopped taking my meds.Copy !req
355. - Why?
- Because I'm terrible!Copy !req
356. I'm a stupid person! I deserve this!Copy !req
357. No. You're not a stupid person,
but you can't just...Copy !req
358. I want to die!Copy !req
359. - It's so much worse than before.
- Baby, you're going through withdrawal.Copy !req
360. Do I just have to be on drugs forever now?
How am I gonna finish my book?Copy !req
361. - Okay, forget about the book for a second.
- I can't!Copy !req
362. - It's the only thing that matters.
- Now, that's not true.Copy !req
363. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so stupid.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
364. It's okay. It's okay.
Just take your pills. All right?Copy !req
365. Then when you even out we can talk
about trying something else, okay?Copy !req
366. Okay.Copy !req
367. I just-just wanna be
a beautiful salad bowl.Copy !req
368. You are a beautiful salad bowl.Copy !req
369. - How're you doing?
- A little better today.Copy !req
370. - And, uh, I wanted to say sorry.
- For what?Copy !req
371. I don't know. "Being Diane"?Copy !req
372. - Stop.
- I let the stress get to me.Copy !req
373. I should just call Princess Carolyn
and tell her I need more time.Copy !req
374. Yes. But before you do that...
don't be mad.Copy !req
375. Don't be mad about what?Copy !req
376. If I tell you, will you be mad?Copy !req
377. From the tone of this conversation,
I'm guessing probably.Copy !req
378. Okay, what you have to remember
is that you were in a really dark place.Copy !req
379. And the pressure from Princess Carolyn
wasn't helping.Copy !req
380. I thought if I could get her off your back
for a few days...Copy !req
381. What did you do?Copy !req
382. Guy, what did you do?Copy !req
383. I sent her the Ivy Tran: Food Court Detective pages.Copy !req
384. - What?
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Okay?Copy !req
385. - I made an executive decision!
- You're not an executive!Copy !req
386. I-I made a boyfriend decision! All right?Copy !req
387. I made a "my girlfriend
is a depressed, vomiting messCopy !req
388. and someone needs to make a decision"
decision.Copy !req
389. Ugh!Copy !req
390. - Hello? No.
- Loved it!Copy !req
391. I love the protagonist, I love the world,Copy !req
392. I love that it wasn't your sad memoir
about your boring life.Copy !req
393. What happened to "sad is the new fun"?Copy !req
394. I didn't know you could write this fun!
You gotta finish this thing.Copy !req
395. I'm on pins and needles,
and I'm not just saying thatCopy !req
396. - because I live with a porcupine.
- Listen...Copy !req
397. To the ka-ching, ka-ching
of the middle-grade IP market? Done!Copy !req
398. I slipped the pages to a few studios.Copy !req
399. This has franchise potential.
Franch potench.Copy !req
400. But what I'm saying is that it doesn't,
because that's not the book I'm writing.Copy !req
401. - I'm hearing a maybe.
- I'm not...Copy !req
402. Are we gonna have
a Boston-style fight now?Copy !req
403. Here's a mystery.Copy !req
404. Why are you so sad-core?Copy !req
405. - I don't know.
- Just be fun and popular like me.Copy !req
406. - I don't know how.
- Sure, you do!Copy !req
407. I'm clever and free-spirited
and a little bit sardonicCopy !req
408. but not so much that it's off-putting.Copy !req
409. I have vulnerabilities like everybody else
but just enough to make me relatable.Copy !req
410. - That's the way to be.
- It's not that easy.Copy !req
411. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
412. But wouldn't it be nice if it was?Copy !req
413. Where's Princess Carolyn?Copy !req
414. She said we should save her a seat.
You still working on that memoir?Copy !req
415. Well, funny story about that...Copy !req
416. Oh, I love when stories start like that!
Ooh! You should put this one in your book.Copy !req
417. Hello. Thank you.Copy !req
418. Oh, wow. Thank you.
That's very nice. Thank you.Copy !req
419. Welcome to "An Evening
of Modern American Scenes."Copy !req
420. Oh, excuse me.Copy !req
421. We have to talk.Copy !req
422. Shh. Diane!Copy !req
423. Don't be rude to the actors.Copy !req
424. For most of them,
this'll be the height of their career.Copy !req
425. Anyway, first up is a scene
from Sam German-Shepard's "Real America."Copy !req
426. Char, hey, you gotta get in here!Copy !req
427. This episode of "Birthday Dad"
is an all-timer!Copy !req
428. - Penny...
- I wanted to get something.Copy !req
429. I don't feel good about
what happened with those reporters.Copy !req
430. - It's okay.
- We didn't tell them... everything.Copy !req
431. I tried to throw it out, but I couldn't.Copy !req
432. I know that's messed up,
but I think I look nice here.Copy !req
433. Oh! You look beautiful.Copy !req
434. I don't think that's the only reason
I kept the photo, Mom.Copy !req
435. It's all really confusing.Copy !req
436. Charlotte! Birthday Dad
just got trapped in a leap year!Copy !req
437. - How's he gonna wriggle outta this one?
- In a minute, honey!Copy !req
438. Stuff happened to us, okay?
And he's still out there.Copy !req
439. - Penny...
- If we can get the word out,Copy !req
440. - if-if people knew...
- It won't be just him in the story.Copy !req
441. It'll be you and me. The mistakes we made.Copy !req
442. Mistakes I made,
that I will never forgive myself for.Copy !req
443. But if we can help other people,Copy !req
444. then it will have been for something,
you know?Copy !req
445. It won't just be this thing
to feel bad about forever.Copy !req
446. You don't know what's gonna happen
with the story once it's out there.Copy !req
447. You have no power over it.Copy !req
448. And you just got your panic attacks
under control.Copy !req
449. Yeah, I know, but...Copy !req
450. I love that you want to do what's right,
but please just think about it, okay?Copy !req
451. Just give it a couple daysCopy !req
452. and then if you still want to talk
to them, you can call them.Copy !req
453. Okay. Thank you.Copy !req
454. You wanna stay and watch "Birthday Dad"?Copy !req
455. - Stay the night?
- No, I-I should go.Copy !req
456. Okay. Yeah. I love you.Copy !req
457. I love you, too.Copy !req
458. Oh! Is that the International
Date Line?Copy !req
459. Don't go over the date line, Birthday Dad!Copy !req
460. Because then it won't be your birthday
anymore!Copy !req
461. Thank you. Thank you so much.Copy !req
462. Come on, Todd, let's go.Copy !req
463. But I wanna see
if there's an after-credits scene.Copy !req
464. - Talk soon, Diane.
- Hey, wait a minute.Copy !req
465. Princess Carolyn.Copy !req
466. Princess Carolyn, wait.Copy !req
467. I understand you're trying to be helpful,Copy !req
468. - in your own pushy, self-absorbed way.
- Oh, thank you.Copy !req
469. But I don't wanna write
a middle-grade fiction detective series.Copy !req
470. I think you do, though.Copy !req
471. Because when I was reading it,
I could tell you were having fun.Copy !req
472. Yeah, but I'm not writing a book
to have fun.Copy !req
473. If I don't write my book of essays now,
I never will!Copy !req
474. So? Don't write your book of essays.Copy !req
475. - I have to!
- Why?Copy !req
476. Because if I don't,
that means that all the damage I gotCopy !req
477. isn't good damage, it's just damage.Copy !req
478. I have gotten nothing out of it,Copy !req
479. and all those years
I was miserable was for nothing.Copy !req
480. I could have been happy this whole time
and written books about girl detectivesCopy !req
481. and been cheerful and popular
and had good parents,Copy !req
482. is that what you're saying?
What was it all for?Copy !req
483. I...Copy !req
484. I don't know, Diane.Copy !req
485. All I know is that this book
about the girl detective is fun.Copy !req
486. I liked it.Copy !req
487. I like thinking that my daughterCopy !req
488. could grow up in a world
with books like that.Copy !req
489. Or if my daughter's not a reader,
a lucrative film adaptation.Copy !req
490. When I was a little girl,
I thought that everything,Copy !req
491. all the abuse and neglect,
it somehow made me special,Copy !req
492. and I decided that one day
I would write somethingCopy !req
493. that would make little girls like me
feel less alone.Copy !req
494. And if I can't write that book...Copy !req
495. Then...Copy !req
496. Then maybe write this other book.Copy !req
497. - Maybe this book does that, too.
- Yeah?Copy !req
498. - Uh... Princess Carolyn?
- What reporters?Copy !req
499. BoJack?Copy !req
500. Charlotte, I swear,
I don't know what you're talking about.Copy !req
501. - Hey, man, great show.
- What? Huh?Copy !req
502. - Uh...
- Oh, no!Copy !req
503. BoJack! Oh!Copy !req