BoJack Horseman 5x11

1. Previously on Philbert...

2. Now I see why they call you "Sassy."

3. - Hello, old friend. - Fritz! But you're dead!

4. Dead serious... about haunting you.

5. I haven't had sex that good since my wife died.

6. To be clear, the sex was pre-death.

7. Philbert, I don't want to be one of those girls,

8. but did you murder your wife?

9. How many people are dead because of you?

10. Those were bad guys! They stole the mayor's submarine.

11. Tell me what happened.

12. I'm going to the chief! The whole world's gonna know what you did.

13. - You can't do that, Marjorie. - John, it's over.

14. Fritz, you maniac! What are you doing?

15. - What you're too chickenshit to do. John! Help!

16. - Oh-hh!

17. You shot your partner?

18. He was strangling my wife!

19. Kiss me, you smart, handsome renegade.

20. There's no time for that now. The nuclear missiles are coming.

21. It's been six months since the missiles hit.

22. The air is thick with the stench of death,

23. and the hospitals are delivering some very wacky babies.

24. But, finally, they reopened the Yogurtland near me.

25. Sometimes, even mushroom clouds have a silver lining.

26. Hey, partner. Looks like you're getting soft... serve frozen yogurt.

27. Now I continue to see why they call you "Sassy."

28. It's also been six months since I told Sassy the truth.

29. About Fritz. My wife.

30. And Sassy hasn't turned me in. I think she likes me.

31. Cut!

32. Ugh!

33. BoJack, I told you not to eat the prop food.

34. That fake yogurt costs $500 a cup!

35. Why?

36. It's been two months since the first season of Philbert came out.

37. And it's a hit. Which is great for me, but even better for Gina.

38. You know, I've done so many TV shows,

39. but this is the first one that's kind of turned me into a star.

40. It's a big step up from just recurring

41. on The Cops are Coming, Whee-oo, Whee-oo.

42. And the weird part is I'm not secretly bitter and jealous.

43. I like seeing her happy.

44. But I still have this little rancid itch saying something isn't right.

45. It's like there's always something lurking just beyond the horizon.

46. Philbert the Troubled Detective.

47. I see. Thank you.

48. Why do you still use a landline?

49. What am I supposed to tell her, I'm just an old-fashioned guy?

50. Or maybe I like things that are plugged to the wall?

51. Something to grab onto if I start floating away.

52. That was my wife's landline.

53. - I'm so sorry. - Never mind that.

54. The chief's been murdered.

55. Oh, Philbert, that's awful. I know you didn't want him to be murdered.

56. Sassy, put on some pants. You've got a sweet bottom,

57. but the only bottom I'm interested in right now

58. is the bottom of this case, and getting to it.

59. Because this time, it's personnel.

60. - Cut!

61. Did you want me to say, "This time it's personal"?

62. No, that's a cliché. You're saying it's an inside job.

63. Someone on the force. "This time, it's personnel."

64. - Ah, okay. - The strangling looks fake.

65. Ooh, maybe it would be scarier... if I talked like this—

66. I already told you. No spooky voice!

67. I can roll my eyes back and stick my tongue out.

68. - Eh...? - Yeah, let's try that.

69. Gina, you noticed anything funky about these new scripts?

70. Yeah. Without Diane around to police Flip's use of the word "literally,"

71. you'd think "the literally store" was going out of business. Figuratively.

72. What? No. I mean the story with the chief. I think it's stolen from my life.

73. I mean, I also had a male boss who died. Herb Kazazz.

74. Seems like a coincidence.

75. The chief is named Basil. Like basil, which is an herb! Like Herb.

76. I don't think anyone would use a story from your life without telling you.

77. - Diane would. - She's not writing on the show anymore.

78. You think Flip read her book? Wait a minute. "Her book."Herb... ook."

79. - What's going on with you? - I'm gonna get to the bottom of this

80. because this time, it's business.

81. Personal business.

82. Hey, friend. Where'd you get your ideas from?

83. I'm just— I'm so interested in your process.

84. Do you make them up,

85. or get inspired by other things or people's... lives?

86. What are you accusing me of?

87. You think I can't come up with my own ideas?

88. Those Popsicle guys signed a release.

89. Popsicle guys?

90. - What are you talking about? - What are you talking about?

91. Hmm...

92. Something's going on. I must be singing a song called "Crazy"

93. because everyone's treating me like a patsy.

94. All I know for sure is Flip's hiding something.

95. Something about "Popsicle guys."

96. - Hey, buddy. Is everything okay in here? - Yeah, fine.

97. Really? Because this trailer belongs to Stingray Liotta.

98. Oh. Uh, I guess I've been a little distracted.

99. Are you sure you're okay? Because you're my friend,

100. and I would never forgive myself if something happened to you

101. that affected our ability to stay on schedule.

102. - What? - BoJack, I care about you,

103. and also the 218 other people who will be out of a job

104. if you spin out like you usually do. Now are you keeping things together?

105. I'm not gonna screw up this professional opportunity for you.

106. Your concern is very touching.

107. - What's in those pills you keep taking? - If you really cared,

108. you should've been there the day I fell off a building?

109. But no. You had other important business to attend to.

110. - BoJack— - You're doing a great job,

111. making me feel like you give a shit. You're gonna be an awesome mom.

112. I think you're overworked.

113. Oh, for real? With a side order of,

114. "Ya think?" And sundry retorts of that fashion.

115. Here's what's gonna happen.

116. You're gonna take the rest of the night off.

117. You're gonna get some sleep.

118. And when you come back, you're gonna be professional,

119. you're gonna be courteous, and you're gonna have your shit together.

120. Fine! And... I'm sorry, about the mom thing.

121. Get some sleep.

122. - I can't sleep. - Ugh. Yeah, you mentioned.

123. - Flip was acting very suspicious. - He sure was. Eight hours ago.

124. But we're home now, and it's 4:00 in the morning.

125. Princess Carolyn's getting all up in my business!

126. She told me that I seem "not okay," and was "spinning out,"

127. - and "would make a great mom." - Not sure you'd be the best mom.

128. - I'd be a wonderful mother! - Wow.

129. Watch it, BoJack. You're losing it. Gotta be cool for Gina.

130. What's something a cool person would say?

131. Uh, hey, Daddy-O.

132. Gotta splitsville to the lavatory if you catch my drift. Hang ten!

133. - Oh, okay. - Nailed it.

134. Huh?

135. BoJack, I know what's going on.

136. Uh... you do?

137. You're taking the character home with you. It happens to every actor.

138. I played a girls' PE coach who solved mysteries

139. in a pilot called, Death, She Whistles.

140. It never went to series, but I got so into it,

141. I spent months ordering every mouthy teen I saw

142. - to drop and give me 20. - Yeah, you're probably right.

143. - Uh...?

144. The BoJack Mysteries will continue after this.

145. Hello. I hope you're enjoying Philbert. Is everyone having a good time?

146. - Uh...

147. Okay, I'm gonna level with you. I'm in a real situation here

148. because I did not realize I was supposed to sell ads for this show.

149. Nobody specifically told me

150. that was under the purview of the president of ad sales!

151. So, if anyone wants to buy 30 million dollars'-worth of ad time,

152. or work out some sort of licensing arrangement,

153. basically, what you need to know about me

154. is I am desperate and will say yes to anything.

155. Let the negotiations begin!

156. - And now, back to the show.

157. Who sent this? What do they know?

158. Do they know things? Let's find out.

159. Hey, BoJack! Did the L.A. Gazette come today?

160. Apparently, I'm on their "35 Over 35 but Under 40" list.

161. Uh, no, nothing came today! I wasn't looking at anything.

162. Why are you so insistent that something came today?

163. Obsessed with things coming much?

164. Whatever this creep has on me could ruin the show, And there goes

165. Gina's newfound happiness.

166. I gotta find out who sent this. For her sake.

167. This case is like the movie, Love Actually. No leads.

168. - Hope the coroner can help us out. - She will.

169. We got a lot of history, me and the coroner.

170. Here's a picture. She used to be one of my closest friends.

171. Used to?

172. Times change.

173. Diane! Diane! Diane! I know you sent me the note!

174. - What note? - What note?

175. The one you slipped under my door.

176. See, great actors embody their roles, so I've picked up some detective skills.

177. That letter "I" is in a nerd font. I'd say it's from The Believer.

178. And you're the only person who reads The Believer.

179. First of all, The Believer is a very popular $12 magazine.

180. And I didn't send this dumb note.

181. You love revealing my secrets. And not sharing your cobbler!

182. - Who else could have done it?

183. I don't know. Who'd you piss off?

184. She's right. Lotta people have it out for me.

185. But who the hell would want to hurt the chief?

186. Hey, Philbert. This your friend?

187. - A second strangling victim.

188. If it's the same killer, he's a real pain in the neck.

189. Hey, there's being sassy,

190. and there's going over the line with humor. Literally.

191. All right, enough chokes. Let's put together a list of suspects.

192. Yeah, suspects.

193. Gotta keep it together and go through the suspects.

194. Who would wanna take down BoJack Horseman?

195. Huh.

196. No. Don't call Charlotte. That's a terrible idea. Don't do it.

197. Hello! Charlotte's husband Kyle here!

198. Hello? Hello, hello, hello?

199. This is your last chance, okay?

200. - Three, two... - Uh...

201. All right, you get another second here. What's going on?

202. - I'm doing a survey for the cable company. - All right.

203. I've got time for a survey. Kinda fun to think

204. big-time corporations care about what little old Kyle thinks.

205. On a scale of one to ten,

206. how would you rate your cable service?

207. Oh, that's a tough one, right off the bat. Let's see.

208. Don't take this personally, but I'm gonna say eight.

209. And on a scale of one to ten, how is your marriage?

210. Well, that's a little personal, don't ya think?

211. Oh, okay. Uh...

212. But I guess if it helps your survey— my wife and I had some rough patches,

213. but we're stronger now we've got through them.

214. - I'm gonna give us an eight. - Okay, so it sounds like your wife

215. isn't obsessed with a desire to exact revenge on a former friend?

216. - What? - For cable-related reasons or otherwise?

217. - I don't think so. - Okay, wonderful.

218. On a scale of one to ten,

219. how would you rate your daughter's sexual maturity?

220. - Boy, that's a sticky one. - I'm just reading what's in front of me.

221. Pfft. I don't even know how to judge that.

222. Uh, let's say that one is, "Horribly scarred

223. by an older man she trusted

224. and is now dedicated to getting the word out about the bad thing he did,"

225. and ten is, "Slowly explored her body

226. in a healthy way on her own timetable

227. and is now completely emotionally well-adjusted?"

228. I don't know, maybe eight?

229. I feel like I'm kind of defaulting to eights.

230. - Okay, thanks, bye! - Wait! Don't go. I got a couple questions.

231. Question number one. What channel is Netflix?

232. Gotta get back to Scotland. You're the man now, dawg.

233. Well, that didn't pan out.

234. We got no leads, and the Olive Garden won't deliver.

235. Sure, when you're there, you're "family."

236. There's gotta be something we're not seeing. All these victims, strangled.

237. Yeah, this case just gets strangler and strangler.

238. You made puns!

239. You could laugh after two murders.

240. But now we're talking about eight innocent people killed in five days!

241. This guy's really going full throttle.

242. I guess it's just funnier when I do it.

243. - The point is, we have to stop him.

244. So many people could have sent that note. Why do so many people hate me?

245. Oh, put up a picture of Crispin Glover.

246. Apparently, I spilled coffee on his shirt in a dream he had.

247. I'm not sure production assistants

248. are supposed to help make lists of enemies.

249. Hey, if you're gonna whine like that, put your own picture on the wall too.

250. Oh, shit, what time is it? I gotta get to set.

251. We are on set.

252. Oh, yeah. We are, in fact, on set.

253. I'm telling you, BoJack's onto us!

254. Oh, he's not onto anything.

255. I think he knows about the Popsicle guys!

256. - Wha—? - Pickles, about dinner tonight,

257. am I any network with a show starring Kyle Bornheimer?

258. - Because I have to cancel. - Shh, shh, shh!

259. Nothing's wrong. Just another heavy night of shooting.

260. - Sha-sha-shh! - Gotta go! Love you!

261. - Shh! Shh! - Love being monogamous!

262. Hey, BoJack!

263. Look at you, skulking behind doors with a malevolent aura.

264. - Someone is hiding something. - How did you know?

265. - Did you talk to Diane? - Yes. I did talk to Diane.

266. BoJack, I promise it was a one-time thing.

267. The worst thing that could happen is if I lost your respect over this.

268. I couldn't live with myself if your respect for me fell any lower

269. than the current level of respect you have for me,

270. which as we both know is very high.

271. Can we pretend this whole thing never happened?

272. - What whole thing? - Thank you.

273. There's gotta be a simple explanation.

274. No. I'm telling you, this whole thing is rotten, Gina.

275. You said "Gina" again! - What?

276. You called her "Gina." The character's name is "Sassy."

277. Right. Um, no. This whole thing is rotten, Sassy.

278. Whatever it is, we'll figure it out together, okay?

279. - Okay. - In the morning.

280. Fritz!

281. We're not so different, you and I.

282. In fact, in many ways, you might even say we're the same.

283. Samie, samie, samie-same, you might say.

284. Twinsies, even.

285. - Fritz, you're not real. - Does this feel real enough for ya?

286. You don't have to do this. You can trust me.

287. I do trust you.

288. But I don't trust her.

289. - Ugh!

290. And that's why I still have a landline.

291. What's going on? I'm a heavy sleeper.

292. The pieces are starting to fit together. Literally.

293. He's got a secret he won't tell me. And he's not alone.

294. That's why she keeps checking on me—

295. to make sure that I'm not getting too close to the truth.

296. Who else is in on it?

297. Mr. Peanutbutter. He's up to something.

298. Something involving... Diane!

299. But what do they all have in...

300. Common?

301. They all made Philbert.

302. This whole show is designed to reveal my secrets and destroy me.

303. And poor Gina is caught up in the madness. I have to find a way protect her! Get it?

304. Everyone's evil. It's a conspiracy to destroy you.

305. Protect Gina. Got it.

306. The Fascinating Mysteries of Detective BoJack Who Is Great...

307. will continue after this.

308. What...?

309. I really think we should get to set.

310. - Aren't we on set? - You're at home.

311. I came to get you because you didn't show up at call time.

312. Why didn't you come earlier? Are you trying to take me down, too?

313. Down... to set.

314. Hey, everyone! BoJack's here, ready to shoot!

315. - What are we waiting for? Come on. - All right, set it up!

316. BoJack, what's going on with you?

317. I can't tell her the truth. She's safer knowing nothing.

318. - You realize you just said that out loud? - Oh. Sorry. Too many night shoots.

319. It's so hard to lie to her.

320. You just said that out loud, too. You do know this is real, right?

321. More real than you even know, dollface.

322. Face. Clocks have faces.

323. That's it!

324. Where the hell is he going?

325. Gotta get 'em... Gotta go. Gotta catch up.

326. - Todd Chavez. The man in charge.

327. The guy who has a face,

328. which is what clocks have, and also hands, which clocks have, too.

329. I should have known his clocky-handy face was behind this.

330. - Hi, BoJack! - The gif is up, bozzo.

331. - Spill the beefs. - Okay, you got me.

332. In order to offset the costs of video hosting,

333. I needed to sign a licensing deal with a pharmaceutical company,

334. but I think this still maintains the dignity of Flip's original vision.

335. "Oopsie, gotta poopsie"?

336. That sounds like a thing Philbert would say, right?

337. We're also doing a board game, a lunchbox,

338. and a campaign with a national taco chain.

339. The "Philburrito." So zesty, you'll forget your murdered wife.

340. So, you wrote the note!

341. - Uh, no, that's— - Tell me the truth, Chavez!

342. Have you always been secretly jealous of me?

343. Did you hate that you were a nothing and I was a successful cop?

344. Did you create this entire television show to destroy me?

345. That's a lotta questions, but, generally, no.

346. - This ends now. - Hey, whoa, whoa, careful!

347. Ooh!

348. - Fritz! Put down the gun. - No, BoJack, that's not—

349. I am going to blow my load!

350. Don't. Don't pull the trigger!

351. It is imminent! Prepare to exchange fluids.

352. - No! - Beep, beep!

353. You're a super gal. I'll call you.

354. Fritz is getting away!

355. - BoJack, hold on—

356. - BoJack, what are we doing? - What?

357. All this running around.

358. Gina. Someone is trying to take me down, take the show down.

359. So, what, you solve this little mystery,

360. fix this little hole, and then everything will be fine?

361. I'm doing this for you.

362. You don't want that. For everything to be fine?

363. - How dreadfully boring. - Huh?

364. Huh?

365. Agh!

366. - Aw, shucks!

367. - Couldn't sleep? - I never sleep.

368. - I noticed. - I've noticed you noticing.

369. I've made some progress in our case, but, uh... you're not gonna like it.

370. - Try me. - It's about Fritz.

371. So, I guess some of this detective stuff is starting to rub off on me,

372. because I figured out what's been going on with you.

373. - Gina? - I found your stashes

374. in the toilet paper rolls. Then I looked around the house

375. and found all your other clever little hiding places.

376. - How many of these do you take a day? - Hey. Those are mine. Okay? I need those.

377. I swear to God, you try that again and you're dead.

378. Sassy, I'm not the bad guy here. It's Fritz.

379. I didn't want to tell you this, but he's back.

380. I don't know how. Maybe the nuclear blast resurrected him somehow.

381. You're my partner. We need to find him.

382. I'm with Internal Affairs, you moron.

383. When you told me Fritz killed your wife, something didn't add up.

384. I tried to find Fritz in the system, but there's no record of him ever existing.

385. - What? - In fact,

386. there's no record of you ever having a partner at all.

387. What are you saying?

388. You killed your wife. And the chief. And the coroner. And the others.

389. Why would I do that?

390. Because they knew you, and they knew your secrets.

391. But I know your secrets now.

392. - But did you know that I love bocce ball? - What?

393. Come on. Gina. I'm serious, Gina.

394. - I need those pills! - Bullshit.

395. You have no idea what I'm going through. I'm trying to protect you, Gina!

396. Protect me from what?

397. - Are you serious? - Someone is trying to blackmail me.

398. - BoJack, this is from the show. - What?

399. It's marketing.

400. Everyone in L.A. got one. - Huh.

401. It's a copy of the note that Philbert gets.

402. - You sent this note. It was you. - No, Philbert.

403. It was you. The guilt was unbearable.

404. It ate you up inside, and drove you to madness.

405. - Bullshit. - Oh? Or should I say... no "O."

406. It was you! It was all you! Literally!

407. No! No!

408. You don't remember shooting that scene?

409. Well, I— I guess I've been a little distracted.

410. "Distracted"? You've been high.

411. No. It's not high, Gina, that's not— It makes things normal.

412. Normal? You're a goddamn mess, and you're gonna ruin my show.

413. - Oh, your show? - That's not what I meant.

414. No, that's very helpful. I understand what you're worried about.

415. - I thought it was me, but it's your show. - BoJack, listen.

416. It would really be a shame if your show was ruined

417. by your boyfriend's debilitating drug problem.

418. - Stop it. - Where would you go to sing

419. - with your Popsicle dancers? - Popsicle dancers?

420. - Give me my pills back! - No.

421. So, what happens now?

422. - Turn yourself in. - Are you kidding?

423. I know there's a good man buried somewhere in there, Philbert.

424. He's the man I fell in love with.

425. - That man is dead!

426. Gina. I'm not kidding. The pills. Now!

427. - You're out of control. - Give them to me!

428. Stop! Let go! You're hurting me!

429. Okay, cut!

430. See, that looks real.

431. - I'm going. - Gina, no. Come on.

432. Stay away from me. Get help. Or don't.

433. - I don't care anymore. - Gina, no. Uh...!

434. - BoJack grunting] Please, stop.

435. BoJack, he said, "Cut."

436. BoJack? Buddy? I think he's really strangling her.

437. What? Oh, no. Turn the camera back on.

438. - Gina, you okay? - Okay, that's enough.

439. - What the fuck is wrong with you?

440. Uh...?