BoJack Horseman 3x5

1. - Hey, buddy, big day. - No.

2. - Big premiere day. - Stop.

3. Secretariat in theaters now.

4. - How exciting. - Please stop.

5. People are seeing your movie,

6. forming opinions, judging you, all over the country.

7. - What are you doing? - Or not. Maybe nobody's seeing it.

8. Wouldn't it be weird if literally nobody saw your movie?

9. How do I get out of this conversation?

10. Just think: by this time tomorrow, we'll know if it's a hit or a flop.

11. The air crackles with possibilities.

12. - Oh, good lord. - Uh-oh.

13. It's all over. My career is gone.

14. I'm sure it's going to be fine.

15. Wasn't Secretariat a big hit at the Pacific Ocean Film Festival?

16. Critics called it, "Gurgle glub glub blub blub."

17. Festivals don't matter, Todd.

18. It's so you can get some leaves on your poster.

19. But this is the real world now.

20. If this doesn't hit big this weekend—

21. - It's— Oh! Oh, God. - Oh, no!

22. BoJack, it's gonna be okay.

23. BoJack, the East Coast box office is in.

24. Secretariat is, wait for it...

25. - a huge success! - Why would you make me wait for it?

26. That was a terrible time for a "wait for it."

27. Do you know what this means?

28. You're no longer just some TV actor they threw into a movie,

29. you're a bona fide movie... wait for it, star.

30. BoJack, how do you feel?

31. Awesome.

32. We defy odds, we face challenges with valor,

33. and we never give in.

34. For those reasons, and many more,

35. our love is like the team that inspired the movie Cool Runnings.

36. If I may borrow that film's promotional tag line,

37. "Jamaican Bobsledders?"

38. That's right, Diane. "Jamaican bobsledders."

39. Thank you, Mr. Peanutbutter.

40. Thank you, Dr. Janet, for Jamaican me open up like that.

41. That took up most of the hour,

42. but we do still have a little time to hear from Diane.

43. Mr. Peanutbutter, I think you are great.

44. - Is that all? - I'm sorry.

45. I'm not always good at using words to describe emotions.

46. Aren't you a writer?

47. Writer/social media coordinator/ director of New Media Outreach.

48. - Aah!

49. That gentle sound tells us the sun has set on our time together this week.

50. But I remind you of the importance of communication.

51. It's the very blade of the bobsled.

52. I'm not singling out either one of you,

53. but I think for the next time, some people here

54. might want to work on putting their thoughts and feelings into words,

55. as a writer does.

56. - Mmm? - Mm-mmm.

57. - Ah.

58. I settled on a company dental plan.

59. It's called, "The tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth."

60. - Seemed comprehensive. - Not "tooth" shabby, Judah.

61. - Yes.

62. I also wanted to talk to you, if this is a good time,

63. and it is, because you have exactly nine minutes before your meeting

64. on Captain Hooker 2: Yo Ho Ho Ho and A Bottle Of Booty.

65. Yeah, what's up?

66. I've taken on duties beyond the scope of my original contract.

67. - I think I've proven my worth. - Are you asking for a raise?

68. A more elegant solution might involve an ownership position in the company.

69. I thought I'd ask for 15 percent stake,

70. you'd counter with five, we'd settle on ten.

71. - Well, then, it's settled. - I'll draw up the paperwork.

72. Speaking of paper, Piper Perabo and Pauley Perrette

73. need to push back the pitch on the Princess and the Pauper project.

74. - You have a night off tonight. - A night off?

75. - When's the last time that happened? - It hasn't.

76. - Can I help you with anything else? - Get me a date for tonight.

77. Make that three dates.

78. Who knows when I'll get another night off?

79. I do. And you won't.

80. Excuse me, my good man.

81. My movie, starring me, the movie star, just opened.

82. We'd like to sit at the bar. Drinks on the house.

83. Of course, Mr. Horseman. Right away, Mr. Horseman.

84. Mr. Sutherland, I'm going to have to ask you to give up your seat

85. for a movie star and his companion.

86. - Yeah. Beat it, Kiefer.

87. Wow!

88. - They love you here. - Everybody loves a movie star, Todd.

89. I'm gonna get a lot of love. I want you by my side,

90. soaking up the spillover and feasting on my discarded leftovers.

91. Sounds great, Boj.

92. Tonight, we're riding a rocket straight into the sun.

93. You won't get left on the launchpad just because nobody knows your name.

94. - Todd? Todd Chavez? - I think you mean BoJack.

95. - BoJack Horseman. - Emily.

96. No, BoJack. Why do people keep saying names that aren't my name?

97. I haven't seen you since high school. You look great. I love the hat.

98. Thanks. What brings you here?

99. My dumb best friend's getting married, so I'm here for the rehearsal dinner.

100. Why is everybody not talking about me for a moment? This is concerning.

101. - Oh, my God. You're BoJack Horseman. - Yeah, duh.

102. I loved The BoJack Horseman Show. That is, like, my favorite show.

103. - You mean Horsin' Around? - No, The BoJack Horseman Show.

104. It was so dumb. It was the best.

105. - Thank you? - I mean, it was the worst.

106. - But that's what made it so good. - Yeah, I got it.

107. I was laughing at it because it was so bad, do you understand?

108. - You're being very clear. - I feel like I'm not articulating.

109. My enjoyment didn't come from a place of sincere admiration.

110. It was more like, "What an ill-conceived television show.

111. Who made those terrible choices? I can't stop watching."

112. You don't have to keep—

113. Anyway, I'm pretty much in love with you.

114. Thanks. I love you. By which I mean, you're terrible.

115. I should get back to this stupid rehearsal dinner.

116. Todd, it was really great to see you.

117. Wait, did you say there's a wedding?

118. - I said "rehearsal dinner," but— - Whoa! We gotta crash that.

119. Boring regular people love it when movie stars show up

120. and drink their alcohol.

121. They jizz their pants for that shit.

122. - I don't know, BoJack. - I'm sorry, Todd. Are you a movie star?

123. I did narrate a Mazda commercial. Funny story how that came together.

124. This is not the time for one of your weird stories that go nowhere.

125. - We've got a wedding to crash. - It's a rehearsal dinner.

126. It just doesn't come easy for me, like it does for you.

127. Communication is a process. That's why we're going to Dr. Janet.

128. - That, and there was a Groupon. - You had a model growing up.

129. You had a house filled with love, parents who said nice things to you,

130. and the beautiful verdant hillsides of the Labrador Peninsula.

131. I didn't have Diane Peninsula. I had the Isthmus of Assholes.

132. I keep telling you we should go visit the old country.

133. You'd love it up there. There's so much to smell.

134. That's weird.

135. I just got a text from Alexi Brosefino.

136. The famous movie star and man about town?

137. He wants me to come to his house and party with his friends.

138. The Snatch Batch?

139. Alexi Brosefino wants you to party with the Snatch Batch?

140. He's one of our clients. I met him a couple weeks ago.

141. We talked about me Instagramming one of his parties.

142. I didn't think he actually wanted me to do it tonight.

143. Oh, wait. Tonight?

144. I hoped we could snuggle up on the couch and watch Bones.

145. I don't think that show's about what you think it's about.

146. Besides, I have to go. It's for work. I'm sorry.

147. It's fine. But you'll call me if you're out late, right?

148. - Yes. I'll call you. - Okay. Have a good time.

149. Ugh! I'm sure I won't.

150. Cool guys like that take me back to high school

151. and I end up feeling like a huge nerd over again.

152. The only kind of nerd you should feel like is hon-nerd that he selected you.

153. Princess Carolyn, I made reservations for you tonight at Elefante.

154. - Reservations? - For your dates.

155. One at seven, one at 8:30, and one at ten.

156. You actually got me three dates?

157. - I was joking. - I'm sorry.

158. I sometimes have trouble reading tone.

159. Once I spent 45 minutes at a fascinating lecture

160. at the Apollo Theater before I realized it was a comedy routine.

161. I can't go on three dates. Can we reschedule two of them?

162. It will be a long time before you get another night off.

163. Especially since you have those lawyers coming next week to change light bulbs.

164. Okay, I just realized now that was also a joke.

165. As the father of one of the brides, I just wanted to take a moment to—

166. Buenas noches, amigos.

167. Let's get blasted. Right?

168. Oh, my God, BoJack Horseman. The movie star.

169. This is the happiest day of my life.

170. - [hip-hop music playing]

171. - Ooh.

172. - Can I help you? - I'm Diane.

173. - Um... - I work for Princess Carolyn.

174. You texted me to come hang out with you and your friends.

175. - I'm running out of things to say. - Oh, yeah. Diane.

176. Yeah, no, of course. Come in, please.

177. - Holy shit. Is that a Klimt? - Hey, guys, we got a guest.

178. Diane, this is Carlos, David, and Shitshow.

179. - Yo. - Word.

180. Ah, the famous Snatch Batch.

181. That's just a dumb name some reporter came up with.

182. We don't actually call ourselves that.

183. We all have sex with a lot of women. But who cares?

184. We also love getting brunch.

185. You might as well call us the Brunch Batch.

186. Or the Brunch Bunch.

187. Oh, my God, Carlos, that's why you're the funny one.

188. That is really good. Write that one down.

189. Yeah, we get why the Casanova narrative is appealing and how it helps our brand.

190. - We're not complete idiots. - Yeah, except for Shitshow.

191. Good one.

192. But within each man lives a great multiplicity, right?

193. - Nobody is just one thing. - Yeah, except for Shitshow, right?

194. - Ah...

195. You know, we can make fun of him because, like, he's our friend.

196. I am so sorry, Shitshow.

197. But the modern era of automotive glass

198. began when engineers took two panes of laminated glass

199. and separated them with a thin layer of PVB.

200. - Uh-huh. - How about you? Are you in the industry?

201. - Yes, actually. I'm an agent. - Agent?

202. Oh, you're in the entertainment industry.

203. When I said the industry, I meant the auto glass industry.

204. We call our business the industry

205. because we think we're more important than everybody else.

206. I could bore everyone to death about how proud I am

207. of the woman Taneisha's become,

208. but rather than read the remarks I've been preparing

209. for the last eight months, I'm gonna turn the microphone over

210. to an honest to God movie star, BoJack Horseman, ladies and gentlemen.

211. Thank you, thank you. Let's get to the reason we're here.

212. And no, Uncle George, I don't mean the chocolate fountain.

213. You know, I don't know Karen and Taneisha super well,

214. but I do know how precious and rare it is

215. to find that one missing puzzle piece who completes you.

216. And when you know, you know. You know?

217. So congrats to the happy couple for knowing.

218. Okay, as they say in the movie business, "That's a wrap on BoJack."

219. Let's hear it from some of these bridesmaids.

220. Taneisha, Karen. [sing-song] Taneisha... Karen...

221. On the way here, the driver stopped in some weird parking lot

222. and asked if he could touch my hair.

223. - That's terrifying. - I know.

224. It is a very popular ride-sharing app,

225. you'd think they could vet their drivers better.

226. Which app is that?

227. I probably shouldn't say, for legal reasons.

228. I think we all know which one I'm talking about.

229. You know what would solve a lot of problems?

230. If there was a ride-share app for women that only had women drivers.

231. That is such a good idea, Todd.

232. - You always did have such great ideas. - You know what else would be cool?

233. A miniature cupcake gun,

234. so you could shoot tiny cupcakes into your mouth.

235. "Uh-oh! Is that guy trying to kill himself?"

236. "Nope, just a cupcake gun."

237. Wait, no, go back to your other idea.

238. - Which one? - The one about the women drivers.

239. Taneisha, and Karen. Karen and Taneisha.

240. And my foundation focuses on clean water initiatives

241. and that's actually how I met Carlos.

242. He patented a process for ionic remineralization.

243. - It's crazy. - That's incredible.

244. Okay, enough shop talk. Let's roll.

245. - Diane? - Oh, drug taking. That's cool. I'm cool.

246. - What is this, Molly?

247. Yeah, Diane, some drug dealer from 2013

248. found a time machine and gave us this Molly.

249. - Nobody does Molly anymore. - This is Gush.

250. What's Gush?

251. Look, Diane, I get that this is maybe not your usual scene.

252. - So don't feel like you have to do any— - No, no, I can hang. Let's do drugs.

253. Let's put the drug in my mouth, so I can trip or roll or gush or—

254. - Oh, you all did it. Uh...

255. Here we go. Oh, it doesn't hit right away, does it?

256. - No, it'll take a few minutes. - Okay.

257. So how'd you guys meet Shitshow?

258. We went to his TED Talk.

259. Oh, it is so great to finally date a woman my age.

260. - Yes. - Who's comfortable in her own skin.

261. I always say, there's more than one way for a cat... you know, to have skin.

262. And has come to terms with not having children.

263. What makes you think I don't want to have children?

264. Oh, come on. What are you, serious? At your age?

265. Since when are you an expert on who can and cannot have children?

266. I'm a gynecologist. I specialize in fertility.

267. I'd be happy to put you in the stirrups, look at the old cat eggs.

268. Ecch! Not if you were the last albino rhino gyno on the planet.

269. I'm the only albino rhino gyno I know.

270. - Should we get some wine? - Oh, great. You're also a wine addict.

271. Oh, yeah!

272. So to do a soft launch, I think we'd only need about ten cars.

273. I could work out any bugs with the app.

274. You really know what you're talking about.

275. So, do you think your girlfriend would get jealous

276. if we started this project together, or...

277. Oh, God, this is so embarrassing for you, but I actually don't have a girlfriend.

278. That's a really weird assumption for you to make.

279. You look really dumb right now.

280. No, actually, I was kind of hoping you weren't seeing anybody.

281. I'm also not seeing anybody, for what it's worth.

282. - Ohh. - Hey, Todd, you must be a real cool dude

283. if a movie star wants to hang out with you for no reason.

284. Just wanted to give you a key to the room I booked,

285. which nobody is in right now.

286. - Winkity dinkity. - BoJack.

287. Maybe you two should just go see if the bed works.

288. A lot of these rooms have faulty beds.

289. - That's a great idea. - Uh, yeah.

290. Okay, let me just finish this cocktail real quick.

291. - Uh... - All right, Todd. Yeah, go.

292. Ahh! Cool, I'm just gonna get one or two more drinks

293. and then we'll go check out that bed.

294. Okay.

295. Um... hello, everybody. I was thinking about what BoJack said before.

296. About how when you know, you know.

297. And I'm sitting there, and I'm thinking, "Do I know?"

298. - Uh... - I mean, I think I know.

299. But if you know when you know and I only think that I know,

300. maybe that means that I don't know, right?

301. - Oh, boy. - Karen, I'm sorry.

302. I love you, but I can't do this. The wedding's off.

303. - It's a rehearsal dinner. - Thank you, BoJack.

304. Uh...

305. I don't think it's working. Am I doing this wrong?

306. Am I doing drugs wrong?

307. Alexi, did you hear back from that piece you texted?

308. - Mm-mmm! Mm-mmm. - "That piece"?

309. That girl was hot. What was her name again?

310. Doesn't matter. I mean, let's just enjoy ourselves, right?

311. - Diane? - What?

312. No, the hot girl. Her name was Diane.

313. You saved her in your phone as Cool Sexy Diane.

314. Let's just, like, drop it, now.

315. That's funny. You have two friends named Diane.

316. You know, I also know Diane Lane. So, there's that.

317. Why are we talking about other Dianes?

318. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if you tried to text Cool Sexy Diane,

319. but then instead you texted Regular Boring Diane by mistake?

320. And then I showed up and you were like, "Who's this chick?"

321. All night, I'd be hanging out with you,

322. thinking I was one of the gang, but it was just a big mistake

323. because you meant to text— Oh, shit, that's exactly what happened.

324. Wait, Diane, please hear me out...

325. Whoa.

326. Oh, shit. It's hitting. I gotta go.

327. - Diane, wait. Come on. - I get it, okay?

328. You're the cool kids. I'm the nerd. I should have known.

329. So I texted the wrong person. So what? This isn't high school.

330. There's no nerds and no cool kids. We're all adults.

331. We're hanging out together and having a good time.

332. - So just come back inside. - Everyone knows I don't belong there.

333. Hey, you belong wherever you want to belong, Diane.

334. - Yeah? - Yeah, look at me.

335. I'm a handsome white guy and I never feel like I don't belong.

336. Also, you took a shit ton of gush.

337. - Things are about to get insane. - I just took one pill.

338. Yeah, that's a shit ton.

339. - My jeans feel amazing right now. - That is great.

340. I feel so much love. I got to tell someone.

341. Yes, yes, tell me. I'm in this with you, Diane.

342. No. I got to go home. I got to tell my husband.

343. - Wait, Diane.

344. That tree is amazing.

345. Ugh!

346. - Princess Carolyn? - You've got to be kidding me.

347. - You're a cat. - And you're a mouse.

348. - I think I know how this ends.

349. Let's not waste each other's time and cut right to the chase.

350. - It was nice to meet you, uh...? - Ralph Stilton. It was nice to meet you.

351. May all your disasters be this easy to avoid.

352. If I have one more bad date...

353. Oh! I am right there with you.

354. Date canceled. I could use a bite to eat, though.

355. There's this great place around the corner.

356. It's a little hole in the wall, but they do a nice cheese plate.

357. Hmm.

358. Wow. Weird turn of events, huh?

359. Nobody's fault, right? I'm gonna jet.

360. You need to talk some sense into my daughter.

361. Yeah, talking sense into people isn't really my thing.

362. In fact, I'm better at the opposite.

363. I once got Nic Cage to buy Charlie Chaplin's mustache on eBay.

364. That was his last ten bucks.

365. Please, BoJack. She'll listen to you. Everyone loves the movie star.

366. Uh... hey, laundry cart.

367. Want to hide in sheets and pretend we're ghosts?

368. No, Todd, I don't want to pretend like we're ghosts.

369. I want to go in the hotel room and fool around. Do you?

370. I don't know, Emily. Uh, you're pretty drunk.

371. No, I'm— I'm not. I'm not drunk at all.

372. - Oh, well, I'm pretty drunk. - Yeah, but it seems like you're—

373. Maybe I should just go to bed.

374. - I'm, uh, I'm feeling kind of sick. - Oh, yeah. Okay.

375. But, hey, it was really great seeing you.

376. - Yeah, it was great seeing you too. - Yeah, yeah, good night.

377. What?

378. My arm is stuck in the trap

379. and I'm running around the kitchen like crazy, smearing blood everywhere.

380. - Oh, this is me.

381. I think as far as disasters go, that was one of the better ones.

382. It's the best non-date I've ever had.

383. Yeah, I was thinking, maybe some time we should have a—

384. - What's the opposite of a non-date? - A date.

385. - That's the word. - I'd like that.

386. Well, great, great.

387. When can I see you again? When's your next night off?

388. Oh.

389. Did I say something? Is it because I asked for the glass of milk?

390. - If you give me a cookie— - No, you're great.

391. It's just running an agency doesn't give me a lot of nights off.

392. Tell you what, here's my card. If you're ever free, give me a call.

393. If not, I'll just meet somebody else and invite you to the wedding.

394. - Oh, thanks. - You don't have to come, but send a gift.

395. - Hey, Taneisha? - BoJack?

396. - I was thinking about what you said— - Stop doing that.

397. Nobody should be thinking about the things I say.

398. - I love Karen. But does she complete me? - Taneisha, nobody completes anybody.

399. That's not a real thing.

400. If you're lucky enough to find someone you can halfway tolerate,

401. sink your nails in and don't let go, no matter what.

402. - So, what, I should just settle? - Yes, thank you, exactly. Settle.

403. Because otherwise you're just gonna get older, and harder, and more alone.

404. And you're gonna do everything you can to fill that hole, with friends,

405. and your career, and meaningless sex, but the hole doesn't get filled.

406. One day, you're gonna look around and you're going to realize

407. that everybody loves you, but nobody likes you.

408. And that is the loneliest feeling in the world.

409. - The wedding is back on.

410. I love you, baby. I always knew I did.

411. - This is the happiest day of my life. - Yeah.

412. Sometimes, the only way to solve a crime is with bones.

413. Hey, if you love bones so much, maybe we should just call you "Bones."

414. Bones.

415. To the Bones Mobile.

416. Mr. Peabut Nutter. Mr. Peeper Number.

417. - Diane? Are you okay?

418. The drugs have something to say.

419. And even though they are drugs,

420. they come from science, so let's give a listen.

421. Okay.

422. I know I don't always have the right words,

423. I don't always have the right feelings,

424. but I love you so much and I need you to know that.

425. Yeah, I know.

426. And sometimes I think that I know myself, but maybe that's a trap.

427. Because maybe I am Cool Sexy Diane,

428. or Really In Touch With Her Feelings Diane.

429. Or possibly other Dianes we don't even know about yet.

430. The point is, I'm all of the Dianes.

431. I know exactly what you're talking about.

432. I love that you do crazy things that make no sense,

433. like fill our house up with spaghetti strainers.

434. I had a very good reason for that, but I do not remember what it was.

435. And we're really good for each other. Or at least, you're good for me.

436. And you're fun. And you're sweet.

437. And I love you. And I need you.

438. And I don't always know how to tell you that. But drugs help.

439. That's right, honey. Drugs are great.

440. And now, I'm going to carry my man to bed.

441. - Here we go. - Oh, okay.

442. - Uh, is this a good idea?

443. The drugs want me to do this, and that means it's a good idea.

444. - Aaah! - Ohh!

445. Ow! Drugs, I thought we were friends.

446. Oh.

447. - Why were you working in the dark? - Oh, I guess it got dark.

448. - I didn't notice. How were your dates? - Pointless.

449. Yes, most dates are. Well, I've prepared our agreement.

450. - Look it over, sign it at your leisure. - I don't have any leisure.

451. While you're signing, I have a stack of holiday cards for the staff.

452. I took the liberty of writing little personal messages

453. - to everyone on your behalf. - Thank you.

454. Mm-hmm.

455. - Hey. - Hey.

456. - What's gonna happen tomorrow? - I don't know.

457. - Are we going to fight? - No.

458. We are. Drugs are gonna wear off and I'm gonna be mean.

459. - Why am I so mean? - You're not mean.

460. - Let's go to the Labrador Peninsula. - Yeah?

461. - Spend New Year's with your family. - Oh, you are gonna love it up there.

462. I have an uncle who still plays the flute at the local pub every week.

463. - I want to hear him. - Ohh, you can't.

464. - He plays in dog frequency. - Aww.

465. Well, your blood work looks good. So go home.

466. Oh, and, uh, lay off the drugs. Especially now.

467. - Why especially now? - Oh, don't worry. Your baby's fine.

468. What do you mean "baby"? Why do you say "baby"?

469. Do you not know?

470. - You're pregnant. - Motherf—