BoJack Horseman 2x8

1. - We're live in five minutes, folks. - Make way.

2. Someone find out the average rainfall in Bora Bora.

3. Thank you so much for doing this.

4. Hey, there are a lot of advantages to being the girlfriend of a big celebrity.

5. It's more than being an elbow

6. they couldn't crop out of a red-carpet shot in US Weekly.

7. - I've been that elbow. - Hello, what have we here?

8. So you know how the game's played, right?

9. I'm sure I'll pick it up. How hard could it be?

10. You didn't read the treatment? I faxed it to you.

11. My bad, our fax machine isn't plugged in.

12. BoJack, this is our first show

13. and it is very important that things run smoothly tonight.

14. I mean, do you even care about this at all?

15. Sweetie, no. I think this is stupid and a waste of everybody's time.

16. But you're my girlfriend and I care about you.

17. - So I'm here. - Okay. Break a leg.

18. Me, me, me. My, my, my. Bow-wow-wow-wow.

19. Good boy, good boy.

20. Okay, this is it, everybody. Moment of truth.

21. Now it's in the hands of god.

22. And for the next 30 minutes, I am that God.

23. - I got you an iPad, ma'am. - Oh, no thanks, Mia.

24. I'm still working my way through the last 30 years of technology.

25. Right now I'm on Palm Pilot.

26. But you can use our second screen app to see what viewers say

27. about the show as it airs.

28. Oh, cool, I love stupid bullshit like this. Ooh.

29. Oh, you just touch it.

30. Hello, I am Mustache Todd. Like regular Todd, but with a mustache.

31. Listen boo-boo, I didn't graduate first in my class from a prestigious university,

32. rise through the ranks at an elite news organization,

33. win a well-known award, never ever be sick at sea

34. and also my name is Mia McKibben, so that I could deal with your nonsense.

35. Todd, stay out of Hair and Makeup.

36. But I like it there.

37. They brush my hair and tell me stories about their weekends.

38. Big-nosed Todd wasn't funny, Zombie Todd wasn't funny,

39. Pretty Lady Todd wasn't funny,

40. and this isn't funny. No more tomfoolery.

41. When it's me, we call it "Todd-foolery."

42. We certainly do not call it that.

43. Listen up, everyone.

44. What you are part of tonight is bigger than you.

45. It's bigger than any of us.

46. I expect all of you to work together.

47. But I also expect that one of you will tower above the rest.

48. And that outstanding individual will receive this pen.

49. It was through this pen that I bled

50. Raise High The Roof Beam, Carpenters upon the page.

51. Also, it has four different colors.

52. Black, red, blue and for some reason, green.

53. By the end of tonight,

54. this pen will be bestowed upon the person most deserving.

55. Because nothing is more important than television,

56. and no one more important than the people who make that television.

57. - Now, let's get to work. - And five, four,

58. - three, two... - Showtime.

59. Live from the historic Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip,

60. J.D. Salinger Presents:

61. Hollywoo Stars And Celebrities, What Do They Know?

62. Do They Know Things? Let's Find Out!

63. Ah. All right! Here we go.

64. Listen to that crowd.

65. If they lose it this much for Mr. Peanutbutter,

66. can you imagine what they're going to do for a real celebrity?

67. Hey, this is Mr. Peanutbutter's show, so be nice.

68. When you say nice, do you mean kind?

69. Or, like, delivering a lot of sick burns,

70. so that people in the audience go, "Nice."

71. The first one. Obviously the first one.

72. Tonight we answer the age-old question:

73. "Hollywoo stars and celebrities, what do they know?

74. Do they know things? Let's find out!"

75. And now our first-ever guest.

76. You know him from his years on Horsin' Around,

77. his drunk appearance on The View,

78. and his bestselling book, it's BoJack Horseman.

79. There you are. How are you doing?

80. - BoJack, welcome. - It is great to be here.

81. Sorry, no time for idle chit-chat, because we've entered

82. - the Small Talk Round. - The what now?

83. Thirty seconds on the clock. BoJack, how are you?

84. - Uh, fine? - Correct.

85. - Did you see the game last night? - No, I don't follow...

86. Oh.

87. Oh, so sorry. It says here you did see the game.

88. - What game? - Ready camera one? Camera one.

89. You tell me. You're the one who saw it.

90. I don't...

91. God, no!

92. - What the...? - That noise means

93. it's time for your first General Knowledge question.

94. Audience, does BoJack know things?

95. Let's find out!

96. BoJack, what is the average annual rainfall in Bora Bora?

97. - Uh, this is general knowledge? - It's just an average we're asking for.

98. - I don't know, seven? - Wrong! So wrong.

99. Wow, when it comes to Bora Bora,

100. maybe this celebrity should have studied more-a more-a.

101. Yes, Mr. Peanutbutter. Go for the kill.

102. - That doesn't really seem... - They're all dead!

103. I watched them die!

104. - What is...? - Oh-ho. That sound means

105. it's time to pick your category.

106. "Trigonometry."Advanced Physics," and "At the Movies With Mr. Peanutbutter."

107. At the Movies With Mr. Peanutbutter.

108. Good choice. After seeing J.J. Abrams' Star Trek reboot, did I call it:

109. A, "A visual feast for the senses,"

110. B, "A zestful lark through time and space,"

111. C, "The best Zachary Quinto movie of all time,"

112. or D, "All of the above"?

113. - I'll say D? - Ouch, the answer was A and B.

114. Though I would also agree with C.

115. So I told Mr. Peanutbutter I'd drive him here,

116. and next thing I know, I'm an Associate Producer.

117. Stupid me. I went to Stanford.

118. Next time I'll just try that thing where I'm a huge dumb-ass

119. who happens to be friends with Mr. Peanutbutter.

120. - Yup. - Cool.

121. Well, have fun watching me win that pen.

122. I don't need a pen.

123. I can walk into any Chili's with a child under 12 and get crayons for free.

124. You don't get it.

125. If Salinger gives you his pen, that means you're worth something.

126. It means you're a serious person who's going places.

127. Actually, you know what? Don't worry about it. It's not for you.

128. I'm gonna go with nuclear fusion.

129. Oh, the answer is Egypt.

130. Turn up the directional heat lamps. Oh, yeah.

131. Let's really make him sweat.

132. Surprised you didn't get that one,

133. since you're an expert when it comes to de-Nile.

134. Quick impression. "I'm not an alcoholic."

135. You love it.

136. Oh, yeah, pretty good one from King Mutt over here. Am I right?

137. You know, like King Tut?

138. Because we're talking about Egypt? And Mr. Peanutbutter's a mutt, so...

139. You suck.

140. I'm a yellow lab, BoJack.

141. You could get one thing right tonight.

142. Anyway, let's take a moment to look at the great comments

143. we've been getting on our second screen app,

144. now available for download.

145. And we're out. Fifteen seconds, everybody.

146. - Hey, how am I doing? - You're kind of being a dick.

147. Hey, are we at Tony Roma's right now?

148. Because there's a lot of ribbing going on here.

149. I'm not ribbing you. I'm telling you, you're...

150. And we're back in three, two...

151. Welcome back.

152. Will BoJack Horseman go down in show history as our worst contestant ever?

153. So far, yes.

154. Wow. J.D., people are loving this show.

155. Wait till they see this. Mia, get ready to drop the bomb.

156. Death from above!

157. Uh-oh. That sound means it's time to drop "da" bomb.

158. And yes folks, I said "da," not "the."

159. What I'm trying to say is, it's a positive bomb.

160. Audience, let's...

161. Drop da bomb!

162. Did you guys all practice before the show, because...

163. Ladies and gentlemen, we've had some fun with our little celebrity.

164. But now, let's meet our big celebrity.

165. - Big celebrity? - Say hello to...

166. - Daniel Radcliffe! - Hi, I'm Daniel Radcliffe. Hello.

167. Oh, my God! It's Daniel Radcliffe!

168. We'll find out what our big celebrity knows right after this break.

169. And we're out. Oh, we're cooking now.

170. Hey, you, you're doing great.

171. I'm not 100 percent watching

172. because I'm so engrossed in the second screen experience,

173. but according to the second screen experience,

174. other people are loving the show.

175. You didn't tell me there would be another celebrity.

176. Well, I had no idea that was coming

177. but some guy named Dong-Slinger-420 loved the surprise.

178. He said, "Two dongs way up."

179. There was no mention of another bigger celebrity in the document you faxed?

180. I couldn't read it. My fax machine cut it into little strips.

181. - That sounds like a shredder. - Well, I guess I shredded it to you.

182. I gotta deal with this.

183. If I don't interact with this app every 80 seconds,

184. it charges my credit card five dollars. Love you.

185. Ehh... you, too.

186. Could you get the base a little less pale?

187. - Hey, Daniel, good to see you. - Always nice to meet a fan.

188. - No, sorry, I'm not a, uh... I'm an actor. - Oh, good for you.

189. It's a dreadful business but hang in there.

190. No, I already did hang in there. I'm BoJack Horseman?

191. We've actually met before.

192. At Chris Martin's holiday party? We stepped outside for a smoke?

193. - To get away from Chris Martin? - Huh.

194. You opened up about your fear of success?

195. I gave you some advice?

196. You said I was a true friend and you would never forget me?

197. And you said your name was Chadwick Boseman?

198. - BoJack Horseman. - Oh, I'm sorry.

199. When you're as famous as I am, you meet so many people.

200. Sorry, we need you guys back on set.

201. You were the second hairdresser's assistant on The Ellen Show

202. about five years ago. Veronica, right?

203. - Yeah, that's right. - How was your mother's party in the end?

204. And we're back in five, four, three, two...

205. So you never say one, huh?

206. - Welcome back, America. - We love you, Daniel.

207. So do I. So let's watch our celebrities go... Audience?

208. Head to head!

209. How could they possibly know that?

210. This is the first episode, right?

211. The puppets clap when the puppetmaster pulls the strings.

212. Hello. Serious, Going-Places Todd at your service.

213. Hey, look at you, all dressed up for the Dipshit Awards.

214. You know you're not allowed in Hair and Makeup.

215. - Are you wearing roller skates? - I'm wearing Heelys.

216. They're shoes with wheels, for efficiency purposes.

217. - Now I can be serious faster. - You can also go nowhere faster.

218. Seeing as I am a professional...

219. No!

220. Oh, BoJack.

221. Another embarrassingly wrong answer,

222. bringing your score down by 80 points and 12 dollars.

223. Why are we playing for both points and dollars?

224. - Oh, tough break, B.J. Novak! - My name is...

225. Our next question is to Mr. Radcliffe.

226. "What color comes from the combination of blue and yellow?"

227. I actually know this one.

228. When I was growing up, my neighbor was a painter.

229. I remember visiting his flat and watching him work.

230. Sometimes he would mix together blue paint with yellow paint

231. and it made an entirely new color.

232. And that man was Banksy. And that color was green.

233. - Final answer. - Correct!

234. You've earned the chance to go for a spin

235. in our Kia Sportage Cash Grab Booth.

236. Oh, splendid.

237. And while Daniel's in the booth, BoJack, you have an essay question.

238. - What? - You'll find a blue book on your podium.

239. "To what extent was feudalism a cause of the French Revolution?"

240. - Wait, are you ser... Oh! - And go!

241. While BoJack works, let's check out the action

242. on our Kia Sportage Cash Grab Booth Cam.

243. - Hey, champ. - What are you doing here?

244. I'm trying to write an essay.

245. I came to ask you how you were doing

246. and then to tell you you're not doing so well.

247. Why am I getting the hard questions,

248. while Boy Wizard over there just has to know colors

249. and literally grab cash out of thin air?

250. A five! This is so easy!

251. I think I might be able to help you out. Let me tell you a story.

252. The year was 2003

253. and for some reason, everyone was playing poker all of a sudden.

254. A then-relevant Wilmer Valderrama used to host a weekly how-do-you-do

255. and all the stars came out to show off their tricks.

256. There was Lucy Lawless, Lucy Liu, Lori Laughlin, Lisa Loeb,

257. the dog from Frasier, and at the head of the table?

258. Big Money himself, Mr. Peanutbutter.

259. Whoops. Woh-oh.

260. I thought, "Here's a rube."

261. But Lady Luck had other plans.

262. You know what, I got an essay to write,

263. so if this isn't about the precipitous fall of the French ruling class...

264. But then I saw, the kid had a tell.

265. I feel like that story had a lot of unnecessary details in it.

266. Listen. You have to pay close attention, it's subtle,

267. but when he gets excited, his ears ever so slightly flop up and give him away.

268. Well, that's no surprise. Guy's been flopping upwards his whole career.

269. Mm-hm. Watch the ears.

270. Time's up, Daniel.

271. Whoa, looks like D to the R to the Ad to the Cliffe

272. just won 54,000 bonus dollars.

273. And BoJack barely got beyond his thesis statement.

274. "A continent ravaged by war,

275. coupled with the retreat of the church from secular life..."

276. And then it just stops?

277. Oh, that's gonna cost you some serious pesos.

278. But first, it's time for our Multiple Choice Buzz-In Round.

279. A buzz-in round? All right.

280. In is my favorite direction in which to buzz.

281. Tell me, "How many oak trees are needed

282. to build an 18th century triple-decker Royal Navy battle ship?

283. A, 75? B, 1000?

284. Or C, 3500?"

285. C! 3500!

286. - Um, correct. - Uh, what?

287. Uh, wow. That's, uh...

288. That's actually correct.

289. How the hell did he know that? What else does he know? Does he know things?

290. Let's find out.

291. Quantum tunneling. King Magnus the Second.

292. Miss Scarlet in the library with the lead pipe.

293. Sassafras. Butterscotch! Argyle.

294. Because seven eight nine.

295. What an amazing run. It looks like we've got a tied game.

296. Which is an exciting surprise.

297. - Goddamn it, throw to commercial. - We'll be right back.

298. - Hey. Horshack. What's going on? - What's going on is I'm kicking your ass.

299. Yeah, you know, you're doing great, but I'm supposed to win.

300. That was the deal. Plug my movie, win money for charity.

301. Well, tell Charity she can kiss my ass.

302. By the way, your girlfriend has a stripper name.

303. It's not my girlfriend, it's charity.

304. BoJack, according to this app, you're almost tied.

305. Oh, you are tied, there's a lag. Congratulations.

306. Thanks. It was touch and go...

307. But I'm a little concerned

308. because it seems like you might actually win,

309. but everyone on the app is really rooting for Daniel.

310. People love him.

311. I guess he was in some movie about a potter or a Pottery Barn or something?

312. - Are you asking me to throw the game? - You don't care about this game.

313. The only reason you're here is for me, so maybe you could help me out?

314. - Okay. - You know what?

315. You're the best, no matter what everybody on this app says.

316. They say you're the worst. Especially Queefburglar69. He's their leader.

317. And we're back. Contestants, I've got a history question for both of you.

318. "You may or may not be familiar with a famous racehorse named Secretariat.

319. In what year did Secretariat win the Triple Crown?"

320. BoJack.

321. Piece of cake.

322. Hmm?

323. Um, 1492?

324. What? No, not even close.

325. BoJack, aren't you in a movie about Secretariat?

326. - How could you not know that? - Let's just move on.

327. Maybe instead, he should be in a movie

328. about a guy who doesn't know anything about Secretariat.

329. That would not be a good movie.

330. I mean, more like Secre-terrible.

331. Damn, Bojangles, you got served.

332. Do you know anything about Secretariat? You know he was a horse, right?

333. Oh, wait, did I just spoil it for you?

334. No wonder my wife had to write your book for you.

335. Hey, yeah, you know, while we're talking about your wife, I've got a question.

336. How come your wife flew all the way to war-torn Cordovia

337. just to get away from you?

338. That's not what happened. She went to help people.

339. Or maybe she went to help herself get away from her awful marriage.

340. - Oh, was that too far? - Oh-ho, you want to get into things?

341. - Well, I mean... - No, no, no, let's get into things.

342. Let's get real. Everybody, BoJack wants to get real.

343. Cancel the Bubble Round. Because we're getting real.

344. Should we cut to commercial?

345. Would Homer cut away from Odysseus's journey

346. just as he was being enticed by the sirens' song?

347. No?

348. Well, there you are.

349. Things are getting real out here. Really real.

350. Really, really, really real!

351. - Uh, I'm not sure where you're going... - Oh, no?

352. You knew where you were going with my wife

353. that time you pulled over by the side of the road.

354. - You know, a week before we got married? - Uh...

355. You want to talk about that, BoJack?

356. You want to talk about the time when you, my "good friend," kissed my wife?

357. - No! - Yes.

358. Did something exciting just happen?

359. Because people on the app are, and I quote, "losing their tits."

360. Oh, no, no, I've stumbled on to a cancer support message board.

361. Okay, how do I...?

362. How did you know about that?

363. Well, there are roadside cameras all along the PCH,

364. I have a few friends in the highway patrol,

365. and she told me, of course! We're married!

366. Wait, so you've known all this time?

367. Now this is television. Turn on the rain.

368. Um, don't you think you're pushing them too far?

369. I'll tell you when it's too far. This is my art, goddamn it.

370. I'm J. goddamn D. Goddamn Salinger, and I want rain!

371. All I ever wanted was to be your friend.

372. And you treat me like a big joke.

373. You think I don't notice? Why don't you like me?

374. - Mr. Peanutbutter... - No, tell me.

375. - Because... I'm jealous. - Oh.

376. - Of what? Diane? - No.

377. Of everything. Everything comes so easy for you.

378. Oh, and it doesn't for you?

379. You're a millionaire movie star with a girlfriend who loves you,

380. acting in your dream movie. What more do you want?

381. What else could the universe possibly owe you?

382. I want to feel good about myself.

383. The way you do. And I don't know how.

384. I don't know if I can.

385. Whoa, guys, this is getting a little heavy, don't we think?

386. I'm sorry, Mr. Peanutbutter.

387. I can't tell you how sorry I am.

388. Wow, um, I don't know if I can forgive you.

389. But I guess we'll find out right after this break.

390. - Damn. - Shut up.

391. I knew it. I knew this show would bring us to the heights of human drama

392. more powerfully than literature ever dreamed.

393. Now somebody go out and get me a Red Bull and a banana fish sandwich.

394. On it. It's a perfect day for a Red Bull.

395. Whoa-oh!

396. - Mr. Peanutbutter! - Oh, hey Wanda.

397. I'm only half paying attention to whatever you two are arguing about

398. but it's killer. Now all we need is a happy ending.

399. I don't think we can just resolve everything cleanly in a half-hour.

400. Uh, this is network television.

401. So resolving everything cleanly in a half-hour is kind of what we do.

402. You want to host a game show where everyone feels bad at the end?

403. You can get in your little car, drive to Santa Monica and pitch it to AMC.

404. But these people want resolution, okay?

405. So you get your little butt back on that stage and you resolve.

406. Uh...

407. And we're back.

408. You know, I did some thinking over the break. BoJack...

409. - What's going on? - Oh, my God.

410. No! No! What's happening?

411. Oh.

412. Someone unplugged the main power line and plugged in a George Foreman Grill.

413. Panini time. Hey, who unplugged...

414. Todd! Goddamnit, step aside!

415. Mia, good work. You saved the show.

416. You earned my respect... and this pen.

417. Oh, thank you.

418. Aww.

419. Oh, are we back? We're back! Live television, folks.

420. You know, during the break, my producers told me

421. I had to forgive BoJack live on the air.

422. But I'm my own dog.

423. And as my own dog, I decided

424. to forgive BoJack live on the air! Bring it in, buddy!

425. - What? - Really?

426. Mr. Peanutbutter, I applaud your forgiving nature,

427. but this guy kissed your wife.

428. Wait, BoJack kissed Diane?

429. The only way to even the score is if you get to kiss him.

430. - Wait, what? - You're right, it makes perfect sense.

431. - Yeah, absolutely. - No, it doesn't.

432. That way Diane and I will have had the same experience.

433. It's the only way we can move past this.

434. Well, if it helps us move past this, I guess...

435. Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

436. Cue the Kiss Cam.

437. Oh, if only I'd had a Kiss Cam for Catcher In The Rye.

438. Well, just one more regret on a long list of many.

439. Todd, there you are. You're missing a pretty big moment out there.

440. I don't care. You said it yourself. Without that pen, I'm totally worthless.

441. Not for nothing, but you were worthless before you didn't get the pen.

442. I really tried this time. I guess I'll never really amount to anything.

443. Well, maybe you just need someone to believe in you.

444. Wow, no one's ever fallen for that!

445. - What? - You're so stupid!

446. You had the pen and you just gave it to me?

447. Oh, I can't believe that worked.

448. Oh, my God, look at your stupid face.

449. The pen is just a symbol. It doesn't...

450. Yeah, said the girl who doesn't have a pen right now.

451. Unbelievable. You are the most annoying, immature, aggravating,

452. irritating, crazy-making...

453. Oh, she was mad, all right. But kids?

454. That's the story of how I met... this pen.

455. Hey, get out of Hair and Makeup and give me back my pen!

456. I got your pen. That means you respect me.

457. - No it does not. - Viva Todd-foolery!

458. Suck a dick, dumbshits.

459. Hey! Hey, hey!

460. Well, that stern but supple kiss puts you over the top.

461. BoJack Horseman is tonight's winner.

462. Well played, Jock-jam Door-slam.

463. You've earned $500,000 for charity.

464. You can walk away right now or, and remember, this is for charity,

465. you can risk it all in our Double or Nothing round.

466. I wanna risk it all!

467. All right. Now that's $500,000.

468. If you get this question right, you double that,

469. a million dollars for charity.

470. But if you get it wrong, the charity gets nothing

471. and all the money will be set on fire live here on our studio soundstage.

472. BoJack, for all the marbles:

473. "Which famous actor played the titular role

474. in the popular Harry Potter film franchise?"

475. - Oh. - Huh.

476. Yeah. I don't know.

477. When you're as famous as I am, you meet so many people,

478. it's impossible to remember them all.

479. Okay, I get what you're doing. Very funny.

480. Yeah. Oh, what is that guy's name?

481. You know, it's on the tip of my tongue?

482. Are you serious right now? Dude, this is for charity.

483. - BoJack, we need an answer. - Yeah, I don't know.

484. Gosh, I wanna say...

485. - Elijah Wood? - What?

486. Elijah Wood?

487. Boxer versus raptor. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.