1. Come on!Copy !req
2. Oh, is it this guy?Copy !req
3. Never travel without it.Copy !req
4. Stop holding up the line,
idiot!Copy !req
5. It's not his fault.
He's just doing his job.Copy !req
6. It's your fault, dummy.Copy !req
7. I'm sorry, sir,
no liquid over three ounces.Copy !req
8. This is Pappy Van Winkle,
friend.Copy !req
9. Do you know how old
this bourbon is?Copy !req
10. If this was a person,Copy !req
11. I would've stopped having sex
with it a year ago.Copy !req
12. I'm sorry, sir.Copy !req
13. Do you know who I am?Copy !req
14. Come on.
Ugh!Copy !req
15. I'm actually a huge celebrity
on my way to New YorkCopy !req
16. for an important meeting
with a book publisher,Copy !req
17. who wants to publish a book
about me because I am famous.Copy !req
18. - That's not...
- Fine, you want me to dance?Copy !req
19. I'll dance.Copy !req
20. Give me ten seconds, Diane.Copy !req
21. This guy's being
a total fascist.Copy !req
22. Diane?Copy !req
23. Diane?Copy !req
24. Over here, BoJack.Copy !req
25. How'd you get through so fast?Copy !req
26. I followed the basic
requirements for air travelCopy !req
27. that have been in place
for over a decade.Copy !req
28. Ugh, weird.Copy !req
29. Sir, whoever you are, please...Copy !req
30. Really? You've never heard
of my TV show?Copy !req
31. You know very well who I am.Copy !req
32. And now if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to New York.Copy !req
33. Ah, no.Copy !req
34. More?
Come on!Copy !req
35. Oh, you know what?
Could be this.Copy !req
36. Oh, my God, he's got a gun.Copy !req
37. Relax, it's a lighter.Copy !req
38. How much lighter fluid
can I take on the plane?Copy !req
39. And before you answer,
remember, I'm a celebrity.Copy !req
40. We're gonna need
a full body cavity search.Copy !req
41. Thanks for coming
to New York for this.Copy !req
42. Let's just say, it's better
for everyone's kneecapsCopy !req
43. if I stay out of California
for a little bit.Copy !req
44. Always nice to get a change
of scenery, am I right?Copy !req
45. I think the New York air's
been good for my health.Copy !req
46. I mean, I did find a lump,Copy !req
47. but hey, who needs
health insuranceCopy !req
48. when you've got BoJack Horseman
writing a book, huh?Copy !req
49. How's it coming along?Copy !req
50. It's great.Copy !req
51. I'm pumping out
heartfelt anecdotesCopy !req
52. and witty observations
left and right,Copy !req
53. and this one is spinning it all
into gold.Copy !req
54. Your telephone is ringing.
I'm Ira Glass.Copy !req
55. Thank you for being a sustaining
member of public radio.Copy !req
56. Everyone has a story,Copy !req
57. and your phone's story
is that it's ringing.Copy !req
58. Excuse me.
Hello?Copy !req
59. Hurry back, superstar.Copy !req
60. I don't think
Diane's working out.Copy !req
61. What? Why?
Is Diane no good?Copy !req
62. She's too good.Copy !req
63. I don't know if Diane is
damaged enough to tell my story.Copy !req
64. She's so... functional.Copy !req
65. Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Horseman,Copy !req
66. she's too functional.Copy !req
67. Why don't I just
get on the phoneCopy !req
68. and call a less functional...Copy !req
69. What are you talking about?Copy !req
70. This is a very bad time, BoJack!Copy !req
71. All right.Copy !req
72. You need to promise me that
your book will be on the shelvesCopy !req
73. and making money by October!Copy !req
74. All right. Jesus.Copy !req
75. Uh-huh?
Uh-huh.Copy !req
76. Uh-huh.Copy !req
77. Got it.
Sorry I took so long.Copy !req
78. Who was that?
The library?Copy !req
79. Thanking you for never
returning a book late?Copy !req
80. That was my brother Tommy.
My dad just died.Copy !req
81. Oh, my God.Copy !req
82. Did we talk about firming up
the release date?Copy !req
83. - I was thinking late September.
- I am so sorry.Copy !req
84. It's fine, he was old
and also the worst.Copy !req
85. Such a terrible tragedyCopy !req
86. really puts everything
in perspective.Copy !req
87. Where does that leave us
as far as the book of it all?Copy !req
88. Not a problem.Copy !req
89. I just got to swing by BostonCopy !req
90. and give my condolences
real quick.Copy !req
91. BoJack can come with me.Copy !req
92. We'll get some work done
while we're there,Copy !req
93. and then that way the whole tripCopy !req
94. won't be a total waste of time.Copy !req
95. Great.Copy !req
96. Call me if you need anything,Copy !req
97. but hang up after one ring,Copy !req
98. and I'll call you
back from the phone boothCopy !req
99. where my wife and I are living.Copy !req
100. Todd, stop singing
your dumb scrambled eggs song.Copy !req
101. Who said that?Copy !req
102. If you're wondering
who said that,Copy !req
103. it's this note
that you're reading.Copy !req
104. You're hearing my voice
in your head,Copy !req
105. because that's
how reading works.Copy !req
106. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
107. As you might've noticed, Todd,Copy !req
108. I've left you home alone
for the day,Copy !req
109. and frankly, I already
regret that decision.Copy !req
110. Here's what you need to do.
Nothing.Copy !req
111. Don't touch my stuff,
and don't make a mess.Copy !req
112. Pick me up at the airport
tomorrow,Copy !req
113. and until then,
don't do anything.Copy !req
114. Well, seal's broken.
Might as well enjoy myself.Copy !req
115. Whee!Copy !req
116. Cheers to bath time.Copy !req
117. Great story, Todd.
I love our friendship.Copy !req
118. Here we go!Copy !req
119. The great Toddini!Copy !req
120. And here we have the homeCopy !req
121. of a truly dynamic
and unique talent,Copy !req
122. TV's own David Boreanaz.Copy !req
123. Ohh!Copy !req
124. Sounds like we have some fansCopy !req
125. of Person of Interest on board,Copy !req
126. or Castle,
or whatever his show is.Copy !req
127. Sorry, dudes,
you got the wrong house.Copy !req
128. Aww.Copy !req
129. Crikey, I would've
paid $50 U.S.Copy !req
130. to see where
David Boreanaz lives.Copy !req
131. He's the American Hugh Jackman.Copy !req
132. Oh, yeah, 50 bucks?Copy !req
133. He's so good in Burn Notice.Copy !req
134. What?
50 bucks?Copy !req
135. In that case, come on in,
friends.Copy !req
136. Some guy named David Boreanaz
lives here.Copy !req
137. Hooray!Copy !req
138. Hey, so listen,Copy !req
139. I really want to be here for you
in your time of need,Copy !req
140. but I'm not really good
with funerals or deathCopy !req
141. or families or feelings
or people.Copy !req
142. Don't worry.
You can wait in the car.Copy !req
143. It's probably better
you don't meet my brothers.Copy !req
144. They're narrow-minded,
mean-spirited dirtbags.Copy !req
145. I wish I had
brothers growing up.Copy !req
146. Touch football on the weekends,
noogie parades on the reg.Copy !req
147. Life as an only child
can get pretty lonely.Copy !req
148. Daddy, do you want to meet
my imaginary friend?Copy !req
149. Imaginary friends
are freeloadersCopy !req
150. invented by communists
to rip-off welfare.Copy !req
151. Why don't you do
something productive,Copy !req
152. like bang your head
against the wallCopy !req
153. until your brain
isn't so stupid?Copy !req
154. Okay, Daddy.Copy !req
155. Yeah, well, I
was pretty lonely, too.Copy !req
156. My family made
my life miserable,Copy !req
157. and then they never
forgave me for leaving.Copy !req
158. So, what,
you're like the black sheep?Copy !req
159. No, Gary's the black sheep.
He's adopted.Copy !req
160. I'm just the member of
the family nobody likes.Copy !req
161. And my dad
was the worst of them all.Copy !req
162. You told me
that you and your fatherCopy !req
163. used to sit on the roof
and look at the stars together.Copy !req
164. Oh, yeah, I was just trying
to get you to open up,Copy !req
165. so I used an old writer's trick
called "me lying to you."Copy !req
166. Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm using an old me trickCopy !req
167. called
"that hurts my feelings."Copy !req
168. And the truth is,
I used to sit aloneCopy !req
169. on the hill out by the dumpCopy !req
170. and dream of waking up
as Chelsea Clinton,Copy !req
171. but with my hair.Copy !req
172. You do have great hair.Copy !req
173. I know.Copy !req
174. That's us.Copy !req
175. I'll just pop in
for a quick hi and bye.Copy !req
176. Then we'll be on our way.Copy !req
177. Ten minutes, swear to God.Copy !req
178. You can play
with this kaleidoscopeCopy !req
179. I got you at the airport.Copy !req
180. What?
A kaleidoscope?Copy !req
181. I'm not five...Copy !req
182. Shapes and colors the likes
of which I've never seen.Copy !req
183. Hello.Copy !req
184. Hey, yeah, Deedee came home!Copy !req
185. Gary, Marty, Artie,
Deedee's back!Copy !req
186. Come here!Copy !req
187. Game.
Watching the game.Copy !req
188. Can't look up from the game.
How you doing?Copy !req
189. Marty, it's a game from '86.Copy !req
190. You've seen it a hundred times.Copy !req
191. And how many times does
Buckner break your heart?Copy !req
192. 100 times.Copy !req
193. Aw, thank God
you're here, Deedee.Copy !req
194. Pops is wicked departed.Copy !req
195. Oh, yeah, man.
He departed so hard.Copy !req
196. And I do not like
them apples, Deedee.Copy !req
197. Yo, Deedee, get me a beer.Copy !req
198. Yeah,
make that two, Deedee.Copy !req
199. Gary, Marty, I just got home.Copy !req
200. Ooh, Princess Diane doesn't
want to get her brother a beer.Copy !req
201. Hey, Ma, come look
what the Pats dragged in.Copy !req
202. Oh, hello!
Look who decided to come home.Copy !req
203. Queen Deedee blesses us
with her presence.Copy !req
204. To what do I owe the honor?Copy !req
205. Look, I'm just here
to offer my condolences.Copy !req
206. Oh, sure, in and out,
like a Protestant on Christmas.Copy !req
207. Why would you want
to stick around,Copy !req
208. be with your family
in their time of need?Copy !req
209. Come on, Ma.Copy !req
210. Don't fight while the game's on.Copy !req
211. It's bad Juju.Copy !req
212. It's the '86 World Series.Copy !req
213. They lose.Copy !req
214. Ah, why'd you have to...Copy !req
215. Oh, we're just a bunch
of savages, right?Copy !req
216. We're not like your fancy
California friends.Copy !req
217. Your George Clooney
and your California Raisins.Copy !req
218. Oh, come off it, Ma.
She don't mean no harm.Copy !req
219. For five years
she didn't come home.Copy !req
220. Why don't you make like A-Rod
and blow.Copy !req
221. Well, this was clearly
a huge mistake.Copy !req
222. Ah, don't go.Copy !req
223. Deedee, please.Copy !req
224. Why not?
Ma doesn't want me here.Copy !req
225. Ma don't know what she wants.Copy !req
226. She wants you here.
We all do.Copy !req
227. Ain't that right, Marty?Copy !req
228. Can't look up from the game.Copy !req
229. Besides, we need your helpCopy !req
230. organizing all
the funeral stuff.Copy !req
231. We didn't go to college.Copy !req
232. We're not smart like you.Copy !req
233. Fine, I'll help.Copy !req
234. Is there a number
for me to call?Copy !req
235. Yeah, try 1-800-The-Internet,
dummy.Copy !req
236. Jeez, do some legwork, Dee.Copy !req
237. And do it quick.
The ice is melting.Copy !req
238. Oh, my God.
Is that dad?Copy !req
239. Did someone draw balls
on his forehead?Copy !req
240. That was before
we knew he was dead.Copy !req
241. We just thought
he was wicked hung over.Copy !req
242. In your face, Dad!Copy !req
243. In your face forever.Copy !req
244. Welcome to the home
of David Boreanaz,Copy !req
245. famous from television showsCopy !req
246. such as dramas on networks.Copy !req
247. That will be $50 please.Copy !req
248. Oy, mate, this picture
of David Boreanaz fell apart.Copy !req
249. Oh, no, no, no,
I'll handle that.Copy !req
250. Why don't you just
go look throughCopy !req
251. David Boreanaz's
underwear drawer, okay?Copy !req
252. It's in his bedroom.Copy !req
253. Oh, knickers.Copy !req
254. Hey, what do you think
you're doing?Copy !req
255. Uh-oh, am I reading
something again?Copy !req
256. No, this is your conscience.Copy !req
257. BoJack trusted you
to take care of his house.Copy !req
258. Is this really...
What are you doing?Copy !req
259. It's a great day
on Todd's phone.Copy !req
260. How can I help you?Copy !req
261. Are you trying to cut me out
of this David Boreanaz deal?Copy !req
262. I'm your agent, damn it.Copy !req
263. How'd you find out
about Boreanaz House?Copy !req
264. Don't worry,
I'm not just gonna sit hereCopy !req
265. batting a ball of yarn around
while you do the real work.Copy !req
266. I want to take your project
to the next level.Copy !req
267. We need to go bigger.Copy !req
268. Have you thought about attaching
Mila Kunis to this thing?Copy !req
269. Attach her?
How?Copy !req
270. You do your job.
I'll do mine.Copy !req
271. Who is this?Copy !req
272. Ah, out of combinations.
Now I'm bored.Copy !req
273. Diane!Copy !req
274. - You show me nothing...
- What do you want from me?Copy !req
275. You have no right to barge
in here after five yearsCopy !req
276. and judge us, Diane.Copy !req
277. I'm just saying Marty
could lend a handCopy !req
278. instead of sitting on the couch
watching the game all day.Copy !req
279. Ah, Deedee.Copy !req
280. You know very well
his leg's still soreCopy !req
281. from the accident at the quarry.Copy !req
282. Yeah, he's got to rest upCopy !req
283. if he's gonna be
a wide receiver for B.C.Copy !req
284. He didn't get into B.C.Copy !req
285. Ah, what's the point of
getting off the couch anyway?Copy !req
286. All the jobs are going
to immigrants these days.Copy !req
287. What do you... We're immigrants.Copy !req
288. - How do you figure?
- We're Vietnamese?Copy !req
289. Step off!
We're American as Pho.Copy !req
290. And that's the same crap
you always pull...Copy !req
291. What do you want from me?
Come on!Copy !req
292. Excuse me.Copy !req
293. Yes, hello,
I'm looking for Diane.Copy !req
294. Does anyone here speak English?Copy !req
295. Pull over and park the car.Copy !req
296. Is that the frickin' horse
from Horsin' Around?Copy !req
297. Again, does anyone here
speak English?Copy !req
298. - Oh, no way...
- What?Copy !req
299. A TV star!Copy !req
300. Boreanaz house.Copy !req
301. Seventy-five each.
Children and seniors free.Copy !req
302. Please stay behind the ropesCopy !req
303. and keep your hands and
belongings on your personCopy !req
304. at all times.Copy !req
305. Next we'll head to the kitchen
where... Is that Mila Kunis?Copy !req
306. Ooh!Copy !req
307. Note the letters B.H.
on all hand towels and linens.Copy !req
308. That stands for
"Boreanaz House."Copy !req
309. Yeah, do you pick up bodies?Copy !req
310. Is that a service you provide?
Corpse removal?Copy !req
311. Hey, BoJack, you ever meet
any Boston celebrities?Copy !req
312. Well, one time at Bristol Farms,Copy !req
313. Ben Affleck and I did reach
for the same bunch of grapes.Copy !req
314. Oh, he eats grapes just like us?Copy !req
315. Hey, Ma,
Ben Affleck eats grapes.Copy !req
316. He don't eat grapes!Copy !req
317. BoJack said
he fed Affleck grapes.Copy !req
318. He was graping it up
with the Daredevil himself.Copy !req
319. This is the greatest day
of my life.Copy !req
320. Oh!Copy !req
321. Hey, I don't suppose you boys
would have any interestCopy !req
322. in maybe playing some
touch football later?Copy !req
323. Are you kidding?Copy !req
324. Touch football
with a star like you?Copy !req
325. That would be mad wicked pisser.Copy !req
326. Ooh, you know what else
we got to do?Copy !req
327. We got to watch
the Cryane video.Copy !req
328. Ooh, that sounds good.
What's that?Copy !req
329. No, we don't need
to revisit that.Copy !req
330. When Deedee was 16,Copy !req
331. we made up a secret pen pal
for her named Leo.Copy !req
332. Guys, I really would rather
not discuss it.Copy !req
333. We all took turns
writing her letters,Copy !req
334. pretending to be this sensitive
boy from Cambridge.Copy !req
335. It was wicked messed up.Copy !req
336. "Oh, Diane, we're
two misunderstood souls.Copy !req
337. Everyone else is a phony.Copy !req
338. Yours forever, Leo."Copy !req
339. What?
That is amazing.Copy !req
340. After six months of letters,Copy !req
341. we hired a homeless guy
to pretend to be LeoCopy !req
342. and take her
to the homecoming dance.Copy !req
343. - Look at her.
- Watch, watch this part.Copy !req
344. I like your boutonnière.Copy !req
345. Why don't we watch this
every day?Copy !req
346. - Look at her face.
- Now that's a good prank.Copy !req
347. I was humiliated.Copy !req
348. Yeah, you wouldn't get it.Copy !req
349. It's a brothers thing,
right, brothers?Copy !req
350. Whoo!
That's Cryane for you.Copy !req
351. What a pussy.Copy !req
352. You know,
it's nice that years laterCopy !req
353. we can all laugh about this.Copy !req
354. Yep, my therapist
thinks the same thing.Copy !req
355. I'm gonna go meet
with the funeral director.Copy !req
356. Any of you boys want to come?Copy !req
357. Nah, I ain't so big
on funeral homes, Deedee.Copy !req
358. All them dead bodies,
they give me the jeebies.Copy !req
359. Yeah, Deedee,
why do we got to go?Copy !req
360. Fine, none of you have to go.Copy !req
361. I'll take care of everything.Copy !req
362. Thank you, Diane.
We all really appreciate it.Copy !req
363. Come on, BoJack.Copy !req
364. Why you got to take
BoJack with you?Copy !req
365. Boo!Copy !req
366. Boo!Copy !req
367. Boys, you have stolen my heartCopy !req
368. like Dave Roberts
stole second base.Copy !req
369. Hey!
He knows our things!Copy !req
370. I must go now, but I'll see
you all at the funeral, okay?Copy !req
371. And when I do,
you're all getting noogies.Copy !req
372. - Funeral!
- Yeah!Copy !req
373. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
374. Funeral!Copy !req
375. Funeral! Funeral!Copy !req
376. Ugh.Copy !req
377. And now, a very special treatCopy !req
378. just for our platinum members.Copy !req
379. Let's take a peek
at the slumberingCopy !req
380. Mr. Boreanaz himself.Copy !req
381. Get out of my room, Todd!Copy !req
382. I'm David Boreanaz.Copy !req
383. Ohh!Copy !req
384. And thus concludes our tour.Copy !req
385. Have a Boreanderful day.Copy !req
386. Tell me about your father.Copy !req
387. Well, he was a mean,
sadistic alcoholic,Copy !req
388. who never supported
anything I didCopy !req
389. and actively delighted
in seeing me fail.Copy !req
390. Hmm, I see.Copy !req
391. Sounds like you're looking for
our Piece of Shit Dad Package.Copy !req
392. That would be too good
for my father.Copy !req
393. Hmm, I see.Copy !req
394. Might I then suggest
our Piece of Shit Dad PackageCopy !req
395. Would Be Too Good
For Him Package.Copy !req
396. Yeah, that's the one.Copy !req
397. Excellent choice.Copy !req
398. Hey, can I suggest something?Copy !req
399. You might want to loosen up
a little.Copy !req
400. I think you could actually
learn a thing or twoCopy !req
401. from your brothers.Copy !req
402. Are you kidding?Copy !req
403. If I was like my brothers,
nothing would ever get done.Copy !req
404. I'm just saying,Copy !req
405. if you can't find a way
to let off some steamCopy !req
406. you're going to explode.Copy !req
407. God damn it!
Are you god damn kidding me?Copy !req
408. I keep getting calls
from this unlisted number.Copy !req
409. Ignore.
Who are these assholes?Copy !req
410. Why don't you just answer,
and then you'll know?Copy !req
411. Oh, they'd just love that,
wouldn't they?Copy !req
412. Ugh, how are we supposed
to blackmail himCopy !req
413. if we can't reach him?Copy !req
414. Maybe we got to get him
where he lives?Copy !req
415. You mean...?Copy !req
416. That's right, his house.Copy !req
417. What the... Whose house is this?Copy !req
418. Is that David Boreanaz?Copy !req
419. I could've sworn
BoJack Horseman lived here.Copy !req
420. Hey, let's keep
these lines moving, huh?Copy !req
421. You want to stop and chat,Copy !req
422. you gotta pay for
the extended stay ticket.Copy !req
423. Ah, so much, so much, so much.Copy !req
424. Another five Gs, T-Bag,
and we are in the pink.Copy !req
425. I don't know, Princess Carolyn.Copy !req
426. I ran out of shoeboxes
for the money,Copy !req
427. and the books aren't adding up.Copy !req
428. Plus the men's lav
needs to be serviced,Copy !req
429. and I had to fire Janine
in the gift shopCopy !req
430. for stealing Boreabble heads.Copy !req
431. I mean, how did I end up
with all this responsibility?Copy !req
432. Hey, I'm not screwing around
here, small fry.Copy !req
433. You better make
those numbers sing.Copy !req
434. I don't think these
offshore banks we've been usingCopy !req
435. are 100% legal.Copy !req
436. Yeah, well, my mother told me
never to slap an idiot.Copy !req
437. What?
Ow!Copy !req
438. Now we're both
breaking the rules.Copy !req
439. You listen, and you listen good.Copy !req
440. I've gotten used
to a certain lifestyleCopy !req
441. since Boreanaz House
went public,Copy !req
442. and I'm not going back
to the old way.Copy !req
443. Mommy likes her shoes, see?Copy !req
444. And her pearls.Copy !req
445. Oh, I'm in too deep.Copy !req
446. I don't know what to do.Copy !req
447. I'll tell you
what you should do.Copy !req
448. Who said that?Copy !req
449. It's me, David Boreanaz.Copy !req
450. Is that what
David Boreanaz sounds like?Copy !req
451. Uh, sure.Copy !req
452. Let me give you some advice.Copy !req
453. As we say on my show...
I want to say, New Girl?Copy !req
454. Just keep doing what you're
doing, and you'll be fine.Copy !req
455. Wow, thanks, Davie B.Copy !req
456. Never call me that.Copy !req
457. Unbelievable.Copy !req
458. It's 4:00.
I don't think anyone's coming.Copy !req
459. Unbe-goddamn-lievable.Copy !req
460. All those jerk wads
had to do was show up,Copy !req
461. and they couldn't even do that.Copy !req
462. Where's the body even?Copy !req
463. Beg your pardon, minor hiccup.Copy !req
464. My goons went to pick your
father up, but nobody was home.Copy !req
465. For a nominal fee,Copy !req
466. we can scrounge up
another body for you.Copy !req
467. Would you care to peruse
our loaner closet?Copy !req
468. Hey, assholes!
Where were you?Copy !req
469. I planned the whole funeral,
like you asked me to,Copy !req
470. and nobody showed.Copy !req
471. Yeah, we realized dad
wouldn't have wantedCopy !req
472. some stuffy funeral.Copy !req
473. He would've wanted his body
to be chopped up into chumCopy !req
474. and thrown
in Derek Jeter's fat face.Copy !req
475. Yeah, suck it, Jeter!Copy !req
476. Wait, what?
Where is Dad?Copy !req
477. We got him chummed.
He's in the truck.Copy !req
478. You chummed Dad?Copy !req
479. It's what your father wanted,
honey,Copy !req
480. but then you wouldn't know
anything about that, would you?Copy !req
481. Let me get this straight.Copy !req
482. So instead of coming
to the funeralCopy !req
483. that I paid for
and spent all day organizing,Copy !req
484. you had Dad's body
ground into chum,Copy !req
485. so you could throw his mushy
remains on Derek Jeter?Copy !req
486. No, not just on Derek Jeter.Copy !req
487. We're gonna throw it
into his fat face.Copy !req
488. - Yeah, his fat face.
- In his fat face.Copy !req
489. The Yankees are in town
this week.Copy !req
490. The planets are aligning,
Deedee.Copy !req
491. Tommy, you begged me
to stay and help.Copy !req
492. Why does everything always
got to be about big-shot Diane?Copy !req
493. Too good for her home.Copy !req
494. I don't think
I'm too good for my home.Copy !req
495. Yeah, guys,
you got it all wrong.Copy !req
496. Diane isn't a big-shot.
She's my ghostwriter.Copy !req
497. She's writing a book that's not
even gonna have her name on it.Copy !req
498. You think this
is how she expectedCopy !req
499. her life would be going at 34?Copy !req
500. She lives with her rich
boyfriend and doesn't pay rent.Copy !req
501. She's not too good for anything.Copy !req
502. What?Copy !req
503. Diane's a freeloader?Copy !req
504. Even I pay rent.Copy !req
505. BoJack helping?Copy !req
506. Whoa.Copy !req
507. This is why I told you
to wait in the car!Copy !req
508. Oh, she snapped.Copy !req
509. Here comes Cryane.Copy !req
510. Hey, hey, Deedee, come on.Copy !req
511. Diane, you are making
a public spectacle of yourself.Copy !req
512. Deedee, what are you doing
with Dad's keys?Copy !req
513. Put those back.Copy !req
514. Oh, come on, that's Dad's truck.Copy !req
515. Dad's chum is in the back.Copy !req
516. No!
No, no, no!Copy !req
517. Suck a dick, dumb shits!Copy !req
518. Well, that crazy clam did it.
She took Pops.Copy !req
519. Oh, no, what are we gonna do?Copy !req
520. And it's a one-hopper
back to the pitcher.Copy !req
521. Easy out at first.Copy !req
522. So what we're gonna do
is nothing?Copy !req
523. Sox are on,
and I haven't seen this one.Copy !req
524. Does anyone know
where she might have gone?Copy !req
525. Ah, she used to run off
like this all the timeCopy !req
526. in high school, too.Copy !req
527. Who knows where crazy goes?Copy !req
528. I think I know where she went.Copy !req
529. Wait, you can't leave.Copy !req
530. The party's
just getting started.Copy !req
531. I don't know,
Diane was pretty upset,Copy !req
532. and she's got your dad.Copy !req
533. Oh, don't go, BoJack.Copy !req
534. You're like the fifth brother
I never had.Copy !req
535. I... Really?Copy !req
536. Yeah, don't leave, bro.Copy !req
537. After this,
we'll go play touch footballCopy !req
538. and do a noogie parade.Copy !req
539. Ah, um...Copy !req
540. Everyone please disperse.Copy !req
541. This is an unlawful gathering.Copy !req
542. Disperse immediately.Copy !req
543. Oh, this isn't looking good,
Princess Carolyn.Copy !req
544. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
545. What do you mean, we?Copy !req
546. Princess Carolyn
always lands on her feet.Copy !req
547. Ha!Copy !req
548. Mr. Boreanaz, I presume.Copy !req
549. Um, would you
like a Boreabble head?Copy !req
550. The amazing thing is,Copy !req
551. the house looks
just like BoJack's house.Copy !req
552. They must have
the same architect.Copy !req
553. Anyway, how are things with you?Copy !req
554. Not good.Copy !req
555. I should've known
it was a waste of timeCopy !req
556. to come back here.Copy !req
557. Oh, that's awful.Copy !req
558. Well, when you get back,Copy !req
559. I'll give you one of
my patented Peanutbutter hugs.Copy !req
560. Crunchy and creamy.Copy !req
561. You know
that patent wasn't approved,Copy !req
562. but I'll take it.Copy !req
563. I have to go.
BoJack's here.Copy !req
564. BoJack, well, what's he doing...?Copy !req
565. Hey, sorry I said
all that stuff about you.Copy !req
566. It's all true, isn't it?Copy !req
567. I found this letter
back at the bar.Copy !req
568. I think it's for you.Copy !req
569. Look, just read it.
I think you'll like it.Copy !req
570. "Dear Diane, it's me,
your old pen pal Leo.Copy !req
571. This definitely isn't
BoJack Horseman writing this."Copy !req
572. Keep reading.Copy !req
573. "You're a good person, Diane,Copy !req
574. and that's
the most important thing.Copy !req
575. Even if no one appreciates you,Copy !req
576. it's important that
you don't stop being good.Copy !req
577. I like how you always
bring your own bagsCopy !req
578. to the grocery store,Copy !req
579. and how you're always
organized to go places.Copy !req
580. I like how you chew gum on the
airplane so your ears will pop.Copy !req
581. A lot of people might not
appreciate that about you,Copy !req
582. but I do.Copy !req
583. Yours forever, Leo."Copy !req
584. That's the best letter
he ever wrote me.Copy !req
585. Look, take it from someone
with his own shitty parents,Copy !req
586. family is a sinkhole,Copy !req
587. and you were right to get out
when you had the chance.Copy !req
588. The stupid thing is,Copy !req
589. even now I still just want them
to be proud of meCopy !req
590. and think I did good.Copy !req
591. Is that really stupid?Copy !req
592. - Yep.
- No, it isn't.Copy !req
593. Yeah, it is.Copy !req
594. You want those guys
to be proud of you?Copy !req
595. I guess I was just hoping to
get some modicum of closure.Copy !req
596. Closure is a made up thingCopy !req
597. by Steven Spielberg
to sell movie tickets.Copy !req
598. It, like true love
and the Munich Olympics,Copy !req
599. doesn't exist in the real world.Copy !req
600. The only thing to do now
is just to keep living forward.Copy !req
601. Yeah, but every time
I come back here they...Copy !req
602. So don't come back here.Copy !req
603. What's great about Los AngelesCopy !req
604. is nobody cares about where
you're from or who you are.Copy !req
605. It's a superficial townCopy !req
606. where you can worry
about stupid shitCopy !req
607. like keeping your pool clean,Copy !req
608. and what artisanal nuts
to put on your salad.Copy !req
609. I do like salad.Copy !req
610. Oh, it's the best.Copy !req
611. Why do you think people keep
moving there?Copy !req
612. Thanks, BoJack.Copy !req
613. The good news is, your dad
can't hurt anyone ever again.Copy !req
614. Uh-oh.Copy !req
615. Thank you so much, Derek Jeter.Copy !req
616. I thought a big baseball
hotshot like youCopy !req
617. would be too busy to help us
old ladies across the street.Copy !req
618. I always have time
to look out for my elders,Copy !req
619. Yankee fan or no.Copy !req
620. Is that a barrel of chum?Copy !req
621. Um, I'll meet you inside.
I have to make a call.Copy !req
622. Okay.Copy !req
623. It's Herb. You know what to do.Copy !req
624. Hey, Herb, look,Copy !req
625. I think we have some
unfinished business.Copy !req
626. It seems like life's too short
to hold grudgesCopy !req
627. and stuff like that,
you know what I'm saying?Copy !req
628. About life being too short?Copy !req
629. Well, of course
you know what I'm saying.Copy !req
630. You're the one with terminal...Copy !req
631. I feel like I'm doing
all the talking here.Copy !req
632. So anyway, I thought
maybe we could chat.Copy !req
633. Why don't you give me
a call, okay?Copy !req
634. Um... so smell you later?Copy !req
635. This is BoJack.
Horseman.Copy !req
636. Obviously.Copy !req
637. Ugh, who keeps calling me?Copy !req
638. Come on, BoJack.
Pick up, pick up.Copy !req
639. I'm sure he'll pick up.Copy !req
640. It's BoJack.
You know what to do.Copy !req
641. Boxer versus raptor.Copy !req