1. and they even let the birthday boy
pilot the airplane!
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2. There were no survivors.
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3. In other news, the newly formed
Hollywoo "Guild of Assistants"
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4. is meeting with industry
power brokers today
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5. to negotiate terms
for a standard agreement.
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6. I'm optimistic about the coming talks
and confident we can avoid a strike.
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7. Our demands are reasonable,
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8. and our services
are crucial to this industry.
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9. All right, you little pishers,
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10. let's wrap this up quick so you can all
go back to getting me wrong coffees.
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11. - What do you want?
- We have one request.
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12. To not be treated like garbage.
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13. It appears we are at an impasse.
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14. - Where's my dry cleaning?
- Where's my car?
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15. I don't know any of my passwords!
What's my mother's maiden name?
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16. I'm going into labor!
You need to call my doula!
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17. Will somebody please make me
a reservation at Little Dom's?
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18. Oh, no. Did I really drink last night?
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19. Doctor Champ, I am so sorry.
I—
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20. - Did anyone see me?
- You were in here all night.
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21. Nobody can know about this.
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22. There are 20 struggling addicts
in this building who are counting on me.
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23. Of course.
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24. I'm gonna go home, take a shower.
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25. - This never happened.
- Agreed.
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26. But how do I get out of here
without anyone seeing me?
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27. - Whoa!
- Okay, okay, easy.
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28. This requires a surprising amount
of upper-body strength.
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29. Stop swinging. Just slide down.
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30. Am I being inconspicuous?
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31. Yes. Plus or minus the yelling.
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32. - I'm just gonna let go.
- Don't—
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33. Thank you, BoJack,
for being there to catch me.
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34. Up!
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35. Ew.
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36. "I looked in that case first chance I got
and there was that note still tied there.
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37. That line hadn't touched water
in its life."
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38. "Doesn't mean nothin', Alma."
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39. "Don't try and fool me no more, Ennis.
I know what it means.
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40. Jack Twist, Jack nasty!"
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41. The sock puppet players tribute
to Ang Lee will continue after this.
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42. - Oh. Hello, Jorge.
- I have some news. It's about your mother.
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43. Oh, is the news that you're marrying her,
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44. inserting yourself into our family
and ruining my life?
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45. Because I already heard that news
like 25 years ago, Jorge.
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46. - I didn't come to your home to fight.
- Then joke's on you
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47. because you didn't come to my home at all.
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48. - I just sleep on the couch...
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49. - ... since you and Mom gave me the boot.
- That was ten years ago.
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50. Which, by the way,
is the only thing you ever gave me.
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51. I gave you my name,
and you have clearly wasted it.
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52. Do you know what the Chavez name
stands for?
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53. Yes, Jorge.
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54. Chavez! C for cerebral!
H for high-minded! A for analytical!
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55. V for veracious! E for efficacious!
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56. And Z for zealously practical.
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57. Feels like a cheat on the Z.
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58. Todd, your mother needs your help.
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59. Well, then instead of sending her husband,
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60. she should have asked me herself,
if it's so important to her.
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61. - She's in a coma.
- A rudeness coma?
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62. No, a regular coma.
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63. Oh, my God! Why didn't you open with that?
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64. Please. Your mother needs a kidney.
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65. I put her on the donor waiting list,
but if you're a match...
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66. Oh. I'm sorry.
Of course I would give Mom my kidney.
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67. - Then there's no time to waste—
- "Would" give her my kidney.
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68. "Would." You need to work
on your listening skills.
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69. I sold my extra kidney just last week.
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70. - Why?
- I wanted to buy these sock puppets.
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71. You sold your kidney for...
I'm sorry I came.
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72. If you'd like to visit your mother—
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73. Wait. What if instead
of visiting my mother,
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74. we got my kidney back?
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75. Come on, Ruthie!
Field trip to the organ market!
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76. Princess Carolyn, this is a catastrophe.
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77. - You know it.
- This strike has shut down the whole city!
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78. Assistants want respect?
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79. If we respect them, how are we supposed
to work through our rage issues?
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80. On our spouses and children?
That doesn't seem fair.
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81. There's gotta be a better way!
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82. Uh, maybe we could circumvent
giving the assistants what they want
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83. by giving them what they think they want.
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84. You know, like how we satiate TV creators
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85. by giving them little vanity cards
at the end of episodes,
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86. then sell the shows to streaming networks
that auto-skip the end credits
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87. so no one even sees the vanity cards!
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88. Yeah, yeah, that's good.
But what do assistants want?
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89. iTunes gift cards? Amazon gift cards?
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90. I honestly can't think of another thing
an assistant would want.
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91. When I was an assistant,
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92. the only thing I wanted
was not to be an assistant anymore.
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93. Princess Carolyn, I'll say to you
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94. what I said to David Levy
when we were developing
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95. The Addams Family
and brainstorming ancillary characters,
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96. like cousins and whatnot: That's Itt!
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97. - Hey! Sad dog!
- Ha-ha! You know it!
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98. Wow. Mr. Peanutbutter
and Joey Pogo in the same room?
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99. What is this? Two days ago
when I almost hit you with my car?
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100. No! That was outside!
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101. Listen, I've been trying
to get in touch with you.
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102. I got a call from this mental health
advocacy group.
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103. Those guys are jizzin' their pants
over your heroic admission
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104. of your struggle with depression,
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105. and they wanna help you
share your story with the world.
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106. The world, huh?
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107. I wanted to set up a meeting,
but my assistant went on strike,
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108. and phones, for me, are, like, what?
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109. Even if you had your assistant,
it wouldn't do any good.
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110. My reps' assistants
are all on strike, too.
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111. Oh, bummer. Guess there's no way
to get in touch then.
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112. Too bad. I'd love to get together.
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113. Goodbye, fancy room.
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114. Goodbye, chair. Goodbye, Stinky Susan.
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115. Huh?
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116. - Where to?
- Um...
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117. Home, I— I guess.
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118. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey! Stop the car. Let me out here.
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119. Wow, already stopping for a drink?
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120. Thank you,
your commentary is very helpful.
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121. - Five stars, though, right?
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122. - Doctor Champ, what are you doing?
- Okay.
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123. This mood about "never have another drop
of alcohol again?"
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124. - Are we sure about this?
- Okay, Doctor Champ, clearly, you—
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125. I'm sitting here, like,
whatever happened to moderation, buddy?
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126. So, you're telling me
the guiding philosophy
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127. of the six months of rehab
I just paid for is complete bullshit?
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128. Hey, man, it works for you,
it works for you.
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129. As for me? Uh, check, please!
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130. No, that's a figure of speech.
I don't want the check.
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131. Please replenish me with another mar-gar.
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132. - Howdy, howdy!
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133. Welcome to Mike and Morgan's
House of Organs!
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134. We handle all your matters,
from keyboards to bladders.
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135. Mike, give it a rest.
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136. - What's with all the boxes?
- We're going out of business.
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137. Oh, no!
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138. I told you
we should just stick to the pianos.
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139. You wanted to expand into body parts.
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140. You printed the sign that said,
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141. "For all your organ needs."
I was just trying to keep us honest.
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142. Judging from the foolishness
of your business plan,
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143. I assume you don't keep records,
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144. but we're trying to track down
my son's kidney.
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145. Oh...
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146. Sorry, all our kidneys went to Chicago.
Jeremiah Whitewhale bought us out.
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147. - Of Whitewhale Industries? Why?
- He's stockpiling organs
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148. because he's a rich old guy
who wants to live forever.
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149. Oh, no!
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150. Well, this was a pointless excursion.
I'm heading back to the hospital.
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151. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful.
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152. No. It's my fault
for expecting anything different.
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153. Can we offer you anything on your way out?
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154. You want a Wurlitzer or a spleen
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155. or an industrial-sized tub
of general anesthesia?
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156. Yeah, give me the anesthesia.
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157. You could sneak in
during the party
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158. as long as nobody's estranged husband
who's a cop is visiting.
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159. Holiday party, huh?
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160. - What? Where am I?
- You're in Chicago!
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161. - Hi, I'm Diane. This is Guy.
- How you doin'?
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162. Oh! Are you ready for introductions
or are you still processing
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163. the whole being kidnapped
across state lines?
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164. I'm sorry, what?
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165. We're breaking
into the Whitewhale building.
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166. - Why?
- To get back my kidney and save Mom
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167. and prove to you
that I'm not just a wacky screw-up
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168. who engages primarily
in goofy whimsical mess-arounds.
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169. - How did you get me on the plane?
- We did a Weekend at Bernie's.
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170. - As I was saying,
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171. tonight's the Whitewhale
employee holiday party.
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172. Security will be tight, but you can use
my employee ID to get in,
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173. because I'm technically
still on the payroll.
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174. Wait, you didn't quit?
We haven't worked there in months.
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175. Nobody's noticed!
They keep sending me checks.
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176. Cashing them is my way of very gradually
taking down the man from the inside.
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177. Hey. C— can we sidebar for a minute?
Is this really the best use of your time?
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178. You've been beating yourself up
about how slowly the book's going. So...
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179. But the book is about me
and my life, so by living my life,
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180. I am in fact working on the book.
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181. You don't have to write this book
if you don't want to.
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182. Of course I want to.
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183. Okay. I'm just saying, since you started,
you've been pretty down.
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184. - Not yourself. Diane—
- Actually, pretty down is myself.
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185. Can we talk about this later?
We're being rude.
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186. Why don't you offer them
one of your fancy beers?
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187. So, all we need to do
is get into the party,
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188. figure out where the kidneys are,
find my kidney, and sneak out,
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189. all without drawing attention
to ourselves.
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190. And be careful, because
if Jeremiah Whitewhale catches you,
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191. he can legally murder you.
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192. Now, can I get anyone an imperial stout?
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193. The barley was from Portland, Maine,
but the brewery is in Portland, Oregon!
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194. This plan is ludicrous.
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195. Hey, maybe instead
of criticizing everything
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196. like you've done my entire life,
you can get on board?
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197. It's gonna work out.
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198. Things don't just work out, Todd!
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199. Of course they do!
I don't know why you're so negative!
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200. Do you want to help Mom,
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201. or do you wanna just go back
to the hospital and wait?
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202. Okay. I'm in.
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203. I don't feel comfortable negotiating
without my fellow assistants present.
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204. Yeah. This is not about that.
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205. Good, because our demands haven't changed.
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206. Casey, it's been so thrilling to see you
grow into your role as strike captain.
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207. You know, there's an opening
at my company for a development exec.
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208. I don't suppose you'd be interested?
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209. Oh! Uh...
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210. I'd have to think about it.
I've never rea—
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211. You'd get overpaid to read scripts,
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212. company credit card,
and a parking spot in the good garage.
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213. - Um...
- Plus, your own assistant.
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214. - An... assistant?
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215. - That is, of course, if the strike ends.
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216. Well, that's a very generous offer,
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217. but I'd have to talk it over
with my colleagues.
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218. Why? Those are assistants.
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219. You're not one of them anymore.
You're one of us.
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220. It's a two-year contract.
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221. Sign right there
and your troubles are over.
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222. - What's so funny?
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223. I was just remembering a funny joke,
unrelated to this.
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224. Can you tell me what it is?
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225. You wouldn't get it.
It's about Zsa Zsa Gabor,
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226. and it's no longer appropriate
in today's climate.
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227. You've made the right decision.
You're gonna love the new job.
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228. - Welcome to the team, Stacey.
- It's Case—
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229. Hmm...
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230. Hey!
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231. Sign here to run development
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232. for Saoirse Ronan's production company,
Saoirse and Rescue.
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233. Mm-hmm.
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234. I can't be an assistant anymore!
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235. Shirley MacLaine threw a cactus at my head
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236. because I set a meeting
with the wrong Steve McQueen!
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237. How was I supposed to know
she meant the dead one?
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238. Shh. It's okay. Just sign here
and orchestrate your own great escape.
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239. Ooh.
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240. Okay, I'm going in.
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241. Todd, promise me
you'll be perspicacious in there.
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242. Perspicacious?
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243. - I don't know the meaning of the word.
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244. - You're Diane?
- Yes!
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245. - Nguyen?
- That is correct!
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246. I find that hard to believe.
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247. Wow, that's racist.
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248. People don't always
look like their last names.
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249. For example, I'm white,
and my last name is Chavez.
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250. I thought your last name was Nguyen.
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251. - Oh! Uh, yeah, it is! Todd Nguyen.
- Not Diane Nguyen?
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252. Oh, yeah! Diane Nguyen.
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253. That's me, all right,
or my name isn't Todd Chavez.
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254. Well, that was a bust.
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255. Okay, this time,
you're Diane and I'll be Jorge.
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256. Todd, get in the trash can.
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257. I know I'm a disappointment to you,
but I do not live in a trash can, Jorge,
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258. and I haven't for several years now! Hey!
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259. Uh... What? Sorry, I...
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260. Oh. No Español?
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261. Uh... go ahead.
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262. - Wow, that was amazing!
- No. That was logical and straightforward.
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263. - Another club soda, please.
- Nerd!
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264. Doctor Champ, what is your plan?
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265. Just gotta drink enough to be steady.
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266. Then, you take me back to Pastiches
and keep me out of trouble.
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267. That way, you don't have to go home
and I can be a good therapy horse.
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268. All my clients get sober, I am a winner,
put my picture on a magazine.
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269. Look, I can't let you go back there drunk.
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270. You don't care about me!
You're scared of this guy.
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271. You can't help anybody else
unless you're honest with yourself.
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272. - Know what I mean?
- No. I never know what you mean.
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273. In fact, maybe I wouldn't be so scared
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274. if you'd given me real therapy
over the last six months
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275. instead of just plying me
with folksy aphorisms.
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276. I'm not a therapist! I'm a therapy horse,
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277. a subtle but legally
important distinction.
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278. Besides, you wouldn't accept
real therapy from me.
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279. Oh, and why's that?
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280. Gee, I don't know,
maybe because I'm a horse,
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281. so I remind you of your father,
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282. so you simultaneously resent me
and crave my approval,
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283. an approval which,
ironically, if granted—
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284. Yeah, I would dismiss immediately
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285. and then use as an excuse to resent you
even more, what's your point?
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286. My point is, you're stunted from having
healthy relationships with horses, idiot!
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287. Oh, really? Well, if that were true,
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288. I would have almost
no other horses in my life.
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289. Right, it's almost as if all your friends
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290. and loved ones
are humans or dogs or cats—
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291. But then how do you explain
the one horse I do care about,
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292. my half-sister Hollyhock,
who is also a reminder of my father?
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293. If your theory were true,
wouldn't I keep her at arms' length,
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294. desperate for her to love me
but unwilling to be vulnerable enough
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295. to allow her to hurt me?
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296. You blockhead, she's not your father!
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297. Hollyhock reminds you
of the horse you hate the most. Yourself!
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298. Okay, you got me!
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299. My parents gave me an internalized
self-hatred of horses.
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300. So, my horse body is a prison
that I can never escape.
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301. This manifests in rotten behavior
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302. because I subconsciously believe
I deserve to be punished,
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303. but being famous, I'm never punished,
so I act out even more.
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304. And since this pattern
is so woven into my identity,
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305. it is unfathomable to me that it can
ever be curbed, so instead, I drink!
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306. Uh... Check, please!
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307. So, the only way I can progress
is to return to my life as a sober man
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308. and finally hold myself accountable
for my actions, past and future.
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309. Oh, my God, is this what therapy is?
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310. Why do you keep bringing me checks?
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311. Uh... Doctor Champ?
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312. Wow.
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313. - Sorry, folks!
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314. This floor's off-limits.
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315. - Oh, but...
- Oh, thank God you're here!
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316. I saw someone at the buffet
putting ketchup on a hot dog.
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317. - What? Not in my town!
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318. - Wow, you are really good at this.
- Let's go.
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319. Ooh, wow. Hmm.
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320. Oh, look. People who selected kidneys
might also enjoy small intestines.
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321. Just the kidney. We don't need
to be up-sold on other innards.
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322. Yes, sir.
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323. Thank you for... this.
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324. Uh. Once your mother is okay,
we will never bother you again.
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325. - I know that's what you want.
- Why would I want that?
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326. - You never understood me.
- I raised you as my own flesh.
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327. I was tough on you
because I expected big things from you.
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328. You weren't tough. You were mean.
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329. - Because the world is mean!
- Not my world!
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330. I wanted so much for you, Todd.
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331. I wanted to push you to be your best self.
I see now that I failed you.
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332. But you didn't fail me
because I am not a failure.
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333. Look... Okay, Todd.
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334. Why do you need to be proud of me
on your terms?
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335. Why can't you see I'm living a good life?
I have friends. I have a job—
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336. You sleep on the couch
and you play with puppets all day.
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337. I'm happy, Jorge.
What more do you want from me?
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338. I want to know that you're okay!
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339. Then why haven't you called in ten years?
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340. You don't think I wanted to?
I'm not the one who...
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341. - What?
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342. She loves you, your mother.
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343. But she's very proud.
If you called her, she would talk to you.
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344. Well, she can't talk now
because she's in a coma, right?
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345. Yeah.
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346. What are they talking about?
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347. - Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
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348. Chavezes! You got company!
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349. Get out of there now! Do you read me?
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350. Hello? Hello?
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351. Diane? Why is there a walkie-talkie
in our kitchen?
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352. - God damn it!
- Uh...
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353. Excuse me? This garage
is for shopping center customers only.
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354. Okay, fine, I'll buy a pretzel.
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355. - Or you could just leave.
- No, now I want the pretzel.
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356. Hey, Diane, get me a pretzel,
too, please. Love you, okay?
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357. Someone's coming.
We have to go.
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358. I'm not going until I get my kidney.
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359. - Todd, this is serious.
- Yes, I understand.
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360. You are very serious.
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361. You read serious books
and listen to Sirius XM.
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362. We have to go right now.
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363. - Hey!
- Why do you always fight me?
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364. Why do you always try
to make me leave places?
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365. - Hey!
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366. Stay right where you are!
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367. - Whoa!
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368. Um...
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369. Uh, I'm sure the other assistants
will be here any minute.
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370. Traffic's real bad because of the rain.
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371. No one else is coming, Stuart.
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372. - Uh... because of the rain?
- They got promoted.
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373. Your ranks are divided.
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374. Your leadership has abandoned you.
Face it, the strike is over.
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375. Whoa. Okay.
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376. We've drawn up a new collective agreement.
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377. You get none of the things you asked for
and you start work again Monday.
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378. Sounds fair.
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379. If I sign this, does that mean
I get a promotion, too?
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380. - Sure, Stuart. Someday.
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381. Princess Carolyn,
I'd love to give you a raise,
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382. but you're thinking like an assistant.
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383. Any day now, you're gonna get promoted
to agent and sign a brand-new contract,
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384. so why are you concerning yourself
with these assistantly trifles?
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385. You really think I have
what it takes to be an agent?
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386. Someday, sure!
But for now, you're my assistant,
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387. and since you've got a similar build
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388. to the angry lady
I fell on at the post office,
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389. I need you to try on these apology bikinis
and report back where they pinch.
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390. - You got it, boss.
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391. Oh.
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392. - Um...
- Stuart, don't sign that!
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393. I just remembered
there's a typo on page 12!
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394. Instead of "billable hours,"
I wrote, "Billy Bob showers!"
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395. Ooh, that's not gonna fly, P.C.
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396. That guy hasn't showered since Bad Santa.
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397. Man Who Wasn't There?
More like "Man Who Doesn't Wash There."
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398. Sling Blade? More like "Please Bathe!"
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399. Monster's Ball? More like "Monster Balls."
Great actor, though.
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400. Let me fix up a new version
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401. and you can come back
and sign it tomorrow.
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402. I'll walk you to your car.
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403. Well, this is my car.
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404. - Really?
- No. I don't own a car.
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405. So why did we walk
three blocks in the rain?
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406. I panicked! I've never been in charge
of where to go before!
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407. You're clearly out of your depth
in these negotiations.
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408. Take this number.
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409. Wow. This a lot of money,
Princess Carolyn.
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410. That's not an offer, it's a phone number!
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411. Oh...
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412. - Can you drive me home?
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413. - Officer, I...
- Sir, did this man attack you?
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414. - What? No.
- You can tell me if he attacked you.
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415. - Hey! Keep your hands where I can see 'em.
- Look, this is all a misunderstanding.
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416. I'm just trying to take
this kidney back to my mom.
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417. Whitewhale's got like a hundred of these.
He won't even miss this one.
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418. Well, aren't you a little scamp.
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419. - Oh, stop!
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420. What?
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421. Armageddon? More like "Arma-gettin'
Away From This Stinky Guy!"
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422. What the...? Hey, who's in my chair?
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423. Mr. Turteltaub,
I thought our meeting was at 9 a.m.
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424. - It appears to be 9:03.
- Hello.
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425. If you're serious about negotiating,
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426. it's imprudent to send the message
you don't respect our time.
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427. To start these negotiations
on the right foot,
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428. I suggest we adjourn for the day
and start in earnest tomorrow.
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429. - On schedule?
- Um...
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430. - Okay?
- Fabulous. Princess Carolyn.
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431. Judah.
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432. - What the shell was that?
- Let the negotiations begin.
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433. Todd, I, uh... owe you an apology.
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434. - Oh?
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435. I know I was hard on you
when you were growing up,
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436. but I was trying to protect you.
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437. Nothing came easy for me.
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438. It took hard work, focus, discipline
to get me where I am today.
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439. Things didn't just work out.
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440. But I should have realized: you're white.
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441. I forgive you.
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442. She's awake.
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443. Do you wanna come say hello?
I'm sure she would love to see you.
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444. Well, she has my number.
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445. - That's cold, Todd.
- What do you expect?
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446. I'm a Chavez, right?
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447. Hmm...
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448. - Huh? Where am I?
- You're at Partridges,
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449. the rehab clinic
founded by Danny Bonaduce.
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450. - What about Pastiches?
- I told them I was checking you in here.
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451. Why would you do that?
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452. Those people need me
to be an example of success.
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453. You can't help anybody else
unless you're honest with yourself.
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454. - A wise man told me that.
- Who? What wise man?
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455. You did.
I was being poetic and you ruined it.
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456. Well, don't listen to me. I'm a drunk!
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457. Yeah. But the first step is admitting it.
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458. You've destroyed me.
I can never go back to Pastiches now.
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459. My husband will leave me.
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460. I promised him I would never drink again
after what happened to our daughter.
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461. Uh... What happened to your daughter?
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462. You know nothing of my life
and you think you know what's best for me?
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463. The only reason I got drunk
in the first place
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464. is because of your contraband vodka!
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465. - Well, yes, technically, that's true.
- Of course you did this to me.
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466. Because I cared about you.
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467. And you ruin people who care about you.
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468. Well, best of luck.
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469. I want you to remember this, BoJack.
I want you to remember what you did to me.
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470. I remember everything. I'm sober now.
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