1. The series is called
Crooshing USA.Copy !req
2. What does that mean?Copy !req
3. Crooshness is hard to define,
but I also don't know it when I see it.Copy !req
4. Oop. Pardon my reach.Copy !req
5. Well, I'm always trying to get more girls
interested in agriculture.Copy !req
6. You might say I've got my eyes on them.
Potato eyes, that is.Copy !req
7. - Guy?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
8. Hey, girls! It's Diane,
outside Idaho's largest potato supplier,Copy !req
9. - Starch Farms.
- Hello!Copy !req
10. Let me get this straight.Copy !req
11. Your farm harvests five types of potatoes,
two types of onions,Copy !req
12. and is also a front
for a local sex trafficking ring?Copy !req
13. - How'd you get started in sex trafficking?Copy !req
14. Uh...Copy !req
15. I don't think
I'm getting that microphone back.Copy !req
16. This is the second straight year
this Michigan resort's foodCopy !req
17. has tested positive for avian botulism.Copy !req
18. Wow, two years in a row.Copy !req
19. It's like the Tom Hanks
of poisoning people.Copy !req
20. They said the jewelry is safe
for humans now,Copy !req
21. but I've been wearing this
for a week, and...Copy !req
22. Can we get more B-roll
so we have something to cut away toCopy !req
23. when I have to scratch my nose?Copy !req
24. I thought scratching your nose
was your way of saying hello to me.Copy !req
25. Don't you find it a little convenient
that the mayor has yet to restoreCopy !req
26. clean drinking water to this part of—Copy !req
27. No, it's quite in-convenient.
You think this is convenient?Copy !req
28. The East Side is a lower-income area,
ergo the residentsCopy !req
29. are not huge campaign donors, ergo—Copy !req
30. No, the mayor
didn't target that neighborhood,Copy !req
31. he was just that stupid
when it came to water filtration.Copy !req
32. He was just stupid enough to think
he wouldn't get caught, ergo—Copy !req
33. Say "ergo" one more time.Copy !req
34. - Ergo.
- Nah.Copy !req
35. - No, no, no, no.Copy !req
36. This is Diane Nguyen...Copy !req
37. This is Diane... This is Di...Copy !req
38. This is Diane Nguyen,
and that's the Croosh!Copy !req
39. - Let me see.
- Did you hearCopy !req
40. about Philip Morris Disney FoxCopy !req
41. AT&T AOL Time Warner PepsiCo
Haliburton Skynet Toyota Trader Joe's?Copy !req
42. - What about them?
- They got acquired by Whitewhale.Copy !req
43. Oh, shit.
Well, how many companies are there now?Copy !req
44. Four?Copy !req
45. - What is it?
- I'm sorry, Diane.Copy !req
46. Look, I asked for two beds, I swear.Copy !req
47. - Huh.
- I mean, this is unprofessional. One bed!Copy !req
48. What are we supposed to do
with just one bed?Copy !req
49. Quite a pickle.Copy !req
50. I should march right back down
to that front desk and tell them—Copy !req
51. Thank you...Copy !req
52. for helping me with my one bed bit.Copy !req
53. - It's a good bit.Copy !req
54. Dear Diane, hello.Copy !req
55. - This is a letter.Copy !req
56. Rehab is making me write a letter
to a friendCopy !req
57. because I guess letter writing
is therapeutic?Copy !req
58. I hear it did wonders
for the Zodiac killer.Copy !req
59. Anyway, rehab's going fine.
A lot of hikes and movie nights and yoga,Copy !req
60. and I think next week,
we're doing a color war.Copy !req
61. And it's good that I'm here,
and it's good that I'm not drinkingCopy !req
62. or taking pills, but I keep thinking
about how this isn't real life.Copy !req
63. It's summer camp. Temporary. Easy.Copy !req
64. As nice as this is, I know that someday
I'll have to go back to the real world.Copy !req
65. Hey, Lady, listen, can you put him
on the phone, please?Copy !req
66. I don't care if he doesn't wanna
talk to me. I'm his father. No, Lady—Copy !req
67. Anyway, that's my letter.Copy !req
68. I probably won't even send it,
but if you're reading this, I guess I did?Copy !req
69. Your friend, BoJack.Copy !req
70. P.S. Horseman.Copy !req
71. I'm only in Chicago for a week.Copy !req
72. I don't think it's selfish
to wanna see my son.Copy !req
73. Yeah, but you gotta give your ex notice.Copy !req
74. Whose side are you on?Copy !req
75. Uh... Hey, look out the window.Copy !req
76. Wow, there she is!Copy !req
77. The second windy, muddy,
big-shoulders city by the lake.Copy !req
78. Look! Willis Tower.
Oh, and look, the new Whitewhale building!Copy !req
79. You cannot be excited
about a giant corporation like WhitewhaleCopy !req
80. setting up shop in your hometown.Copy !req
81. I'm just excited
we got a new big building.Copy !req
82. - In your face, Dubai.Copy !req
83. - Hmm...
- Ah...Copy !req
84. - Not bad.
- It's because the breadCopy !req
85. is made from lake water and lard.Copy !req
86. - From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro.Copy !req
87. Today, your phone is ringing.Copy !req
88. Here's what you need to know about people
who still use their phone to call people.Copy !req
89. Hey, Stefani.Copy !req
90. Hey, girl!Copy !req
91. - No, no, it's Guy.
- Hey, Guy!Copy !req
92. I got you on speaker. Diane's eating
the best sandwich of her life.Copy !req
93. - It's okay.Copy !req
94. Diane, I love
that you still eat sandwiches.Copy !req
95. Flaws like that are what make you
relatable to regular women.Copy !req
96. - What?
- Meanwhile,Copy !req
97. I am adoring your cross-country exposition
of the ugly underbellyCopy !req
98. of American capitalism.Copy !req
99. So croosh.Copy !req
100. But I wonder if you could make room
in the rotationCopy !req
101. for a few feel-good stories?Copy !req
102. Stefani, our videos
are making a difference.Copy !req
103. Yeah, a difference in how bummed I am.Copy !req
104. There's gotta be some good news out there.Copy !req
105. - We'll see what we can do!Copy !req
106. - Why'd you say yes?
- We can do feel-good stories.Copy !req
107. What about that girl who opened up
a lemonade standCopy !req
108. to pay for her dad's cancer treatment?Copy !req
109. How is that a feel-good story?Copy !req
110. "Hey, America! We're the only developed
nation without subsidized healthcare,Copy !req
111. so this child joined
the workforce in a desperate bidCopy !req
112. to keep her father alive!"Copy !req
113. Okay. How 'bout this?Copy !req
114. Local cameraman has a pretty
good thing going,Copy !req
115. where he gets to travel
all over the countryCopy !req
116. and fool around in hotel rooms with
his beautiful, smart, feisty producer...Copy !req
117. and he's pretty sure
this passionate, intelligent,Copy !req
118. warrior for truth likes it too,Copy !req
119. so maybe these two knuckleheads
should swallow their pride for a secondCopy !req
120. and make some feel-good videos.Copy !req
121. Hey, girls.Copy !req
122. - Hey, Diane.
- Hey.Copy !req
123. Tell me
about the Every Animal Girl Company.Copy !req
124. We are two best friends
who got tired of seeing dollsCopy !req
125. promoting unrealistic beauty standards.Copy !req
126. Take Ginny here.Copy !req
127. Most giraffe dolls have necks
one inch shorter by scaleCopy !req
128. than the average girl giraffe.Copy !req
129. Not our Ginny.Copy !req
130. Her neck is long and proud,
for all our necky gals out there.Copy !req
131. As a necky gal, I love that.Copy !req
132. And is it true that all your dolls
are made out of recycled material?Copy !req
133. - Uh... No.
- Yes!Copy !req
134. - Sorry?
- Well, traditionally...Copy !req
135. - The first batch, um...Copy !req
136. The important thing is
we're two best friends.Copy !req
137. Okay, what's going on?Copy !req
138. Uh...Copy !req
139. Okay. We are excited to announce
that as of today,Copy !req
140. the Every Animal Girl Company
has been purchased by Toys Galore,Copy !req
141. a subsidiary
of Whitewhale Consolidated Interests.Copy !req
142. Yay! Toys Galore!Copy !req
143. - Uh...
- Huh?Copy !req
144. "Yay..."Copy !req
145. A small, independent start-up
bought out by a huge conglomerate.Copy !req
146. It must be so empowering
to see your success grow.Copy !req
147. What a happy story for two best friends.
Now, about the recycled materials?Copy !req
148. Well, it's unclear what role recycling
will play in the future of this company.Copy !req
149. Right now, we're mainly focused
on empowering young girlsCopy !req
150. and closing the main Chicago factory
so we can relocate overseasCopy !req
151. for cheaper labor.Copy !req
152. Right before the holidays!Copy !req
153. Feel-good.Copy !req
154. What an exciting,
empowering time for you!Copy !req
155. I know.Copy !req
156. You think you can edit that down
into something feel-goody?Copy !req
157. For sure.
It'll have to go up late, though,Copy !req
158. because I'm having some friends over
to watch the game tonight.Copy !req
159. God, I'm freezing.Copy !req
160. - Aw.
- So, you, uh...Copy !req
161. - You wanna watch the game with us?
- Are you asking me to meet your friends?Copy !req
162. No, I just figure,
since you're staying with me anyway—Copy !req
163. I would be delighted. Wait, it's not
the Chicago Baby Humans game, is it?Copy !req
164. It's just a mascot.Copy !req
165. And there goes Waa-Waa,
the Baby Human, stumbling aroundCopy !req
166. like the furless, featherless dolt he is.Copy !req
167. What's he got there?
Don't drink that poison, you crazy human!Copy !req
168. - We don't drink poison.
- Diane, he's not a literal human.Copy !req
169. Waa-Waa is a tribute
to your proud human heritage.Copy !req
170. - I'm very flattered.
- Anyway, meet the gang.Copy !req
171. Everyone, this is Diane. My, um...Copy !req
172. Ah... You know, my—
The woman that I work with.Copy !req
173. - Hi.
- 'Sup, dude?Copy !req
174. - Hmm...
- You okay?Copy !req
175. Yeah. Sorry, just— I'll be right back.Copy !req
176. - Diane, I'm really sorry, but—
- It's fine.Copy !req
177. I wasn't expecting, ya know,
in front of your friends.Copy !req
178. - He just showed up.
- We haven't put a label on us.Copy !req
179. - I'm not looking for—
- The speech and debate tournamentCopy !req
180. - was canceled on account of cyberbullying.
- Wait, what are you talking about?Copy !req
181. - My son is here. He surprised me.
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
182. I usually don't bring women around my kid
unless it's serious.Copy !req
183. - I get it.
- Do you mind staying at a hotel?Copy !req
184. - Oh, yeah. Totally.
- He'll be gone first thing tomorrow.Copy !req
185. What if he sees me go out?
Is the coast clear?Copy !req
186. - You should maybe go out the window.Copy !req
187. This makes sense. But what about my stuff?Copy !req
188. I'll pack your bag
and throw it out to you.Copy !req
189. Okay, good. Bye.
Thank you for inviting me to your party.Copy !req
190. You have a lovely home.Copy !req
191. Dear Diane, hello.
I am writing you another letter.Copy !req
192. Today sucks. There's this new lady here,
Beverly, and she took my snack kit.Copy !req
193. And that is so classic Beverly.
Probably. I just met her.Copy !req
194. The whole point of the snack kits
is they're communal, right?Copy !req
195. They're these bags full of snacks
that we take on our morning hikes,Copy !req
196. and we put them together the night before
as, like, a team-building thing.Copy !req
197. Yesterday, I decided to throw an extra bag
of candied nuts into a snack kit,Copy !req
198. something just for me.Copy !req
199. And I marked my bag with a "B"Copy !req
200. so I'd know which one to grab
in the morning.Copy !req
201. "B" for "BoJack."Copy !req
202. - But then today, I see Beverly,Copy !req
203. who, again, just got here,
waltzing around the houseCopy !req
204. with my snack kit, saying, "Oh, somebody
made a special kit just for me!Copy !req
205. B for Beverly!
I must have a secret admirer!"Copy !req
206. Again, just got here!Copy !req
207. - The story of my lifeCopy !req
208. is that I never get anything nice.Copy !req
209. You'd think that I'd learn to adjust
my expectations by now.Copy !req
210. But, no. Once again,Copy !req
211. I was the idiot
who got my hopes up about candied nuts,Copy !req
212. and now I am disappointed
with no one to blame but myself.Copy !req
213. - Anyway, what's new with you?Copy !req
214. Just kidding,
you can't say anything, this is a letter!Copy !req
215. Okay, talk soon. BoJack.Copy !req
216. From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro.Copy !req
217. Today, your—Copy !req
218. - Hello?
- Diane, your last video—Copy !req
219. Okay, I know it wasn't as feel-good
as maybe you wanted—Copy !req
220. Are you kidding? I feel great!Copy !req
221. You made a big impression with the guys
at Whitewhale.Copy !req
222. - Really?
- I'll say. They bought Girl Croosh!Copy !req
223. - What?
- Well, technically they bought FuddruckersCopy !req
224. and merged it with Dow Chemical to create
a new media venture called Spronk!Copy !req
225. - Hold on—
- Spronk acquired Univision,Copy !req
226. which will incorporate Girl Croosh
into the Gizmodo-branded mistCopy !req
227. of advertorial.Copy !req
228. - That's terrible!
- Not for me! I'm gonna be rich!Copy !req
229. - You already are rich!
- Oh, yeah!Copy !req
230. Oops. Well, anyway, good luck with Spronk,
which is currently rebrandingCopy !req
231. as Content Spew.Copy !req
232. So spew that content, girl!Copy !req
233. Bye!Copy !req
234. Oh, spronk me.Copy !req
235. Pardon our dust
while we finish construction.Copy !req
236. Can I get you a Pepsi Cola?
Or anything else from the vast WhitewhaleCopy !req
237. agglomeration of fine beverages?Copy !req
238. Uh, I think we're good.Copy !req
239. Hmm.Copy !req
240. - I'm sorry about last night.
- It's fine. Let's just watch the movie.Copy !req
241. Welcome!
Here at Whitewhale Consolidated Interests,Copy !req
242. we do it all through the free-market magic
of the Whitewhale Way!Copy !req
243. That's right, Mr. Whitewhale!Copy !req
244. Who? Why? Where?
Whence forth are you two,Copy !req
245. and how did you manifest in my office?
Be gone, ghastly ghouls!Copy !req
246. We're no spooky specters! My name's Vert!Copy !req
247. Vertical Integration!Copy !req
248. And I'm Ollie, the Oligopoly.Copy !req
249. You summoned us here to tell your new
employees about the Whitewhale Way!Copy !req
250. Well, best be quick about it,
you unholy apparitions.Copy !req
251. The Whitewhale Way was developed
by Ezekiel Whitewhale,Copy !req
252. who started small with a modest petroleum
refinery he inherited from his father.Copy !req
253. One day he looked around and said,Copy !req
254. "Wait one minute!Copy !req
255. While I'm refining this oil, someone else
is getting rich drilling it,Copy !req
256. and another someone's sellin' it
to the common commuter!"Copy !req
257. So, he bought his own rig
and opened a chain of gas stations.Copy !req
258. By controlling both the means
of production and the delivery system,Copy !req
259. Ezekiel cornered the market
and choked out the competitionCopy !req
260. until they had no choice
but to sell to him, too!Copy !req
261. And that's vertical integration!Copy !req
262. Pardon me.Copy !req
263. F-f-f-f-fast-forward to the 1980s,Copy !req
264. when Jeremiah took our company
to the next level.Copy !req
265. He bought a telephone company,
a sports team, and when he didn't likeCopy !req
266. the way the newspapers
were talking about him,Copy !req
267. - he bought his own newspaper!Copy !req
268. Well, I must have been a hungry whale
because I just kept gobbling up companies.Copy !req
269. Fast-forward to today,
and it looks like I gobbled up you!Copy !req
270. - Are we supposed to be charmed by this?Copy !req
271. Welcome to the Whitewhale family.
Everywhere you are, that's where we'll be.Copy !req
272. Here's a list
of your new sister companies.Copy !req
273. Please be mindful of them
as you spew your content.Copy !req
274. So we can't make videos
about any of these subsidiaries?Copy !req
275. Monsanto, JP Morgan Chase,
Marie Osmond?Copy !req
276. Oh! There it is,
the Every Animal Girl Company.Copy !req
277. You don't really think Whitewhale bought
Girl Croosh just to kill our video?Copy !req
278. And you couldn't just tell
a feel-good story about two friendsCopy !req
279. who started a business.Copy !req
280. Maybe this is for the best.Copy !req
281. You can get a new job in Chicago,
spend more time with your kid.Copy !req
282. Yeah, and you can go back to LA,Copy !req
283. where you won't have to borrow my coat
all the time.Copy !req
284. - Didn't you wanna write another book?Copy !req
285. I have this book of essays
I've been brewing in my head.Copy !req
286. It's called, One Last Thing
and Then I Swear to God I'll Shut UpCopy !req
287. About This Forever: Dispatches
from the Frontlines of the War on Women:Copy !req
288. Arguments, Opinions, Reflections,
Recollections, The Razor Tax—Copy !req
289. Is this still the title?Copy !req
290. I kind of got lost in the middle
and couldn't find a way out.Copy !req
291. No, no, it's good,Copy !req
292. I just think you want to save some of it
for the inside of the book.Copy !req
293. I guess that's it for us,
though, right?Copy !req
294. - I guess so. Unless it isn't it for us?
- What do you mean?Copy !req
295. What if we did one more video
about anything we wantedCopy !req
296. and posted it on the website before they
realize we still have all the passwords?Copy !req
297. - We could do a story about Whitewhale.
- Oh, yeah!Copy !req
298. Now, there's a feel-good story.Copy !req
299. Me feeling good about takin'
those assholes down!Copy !req
300. Diane, this is Isabel,
star reporter at The Tribune.Copy !req
301. She's been hunting Whitewhale for years.Copy !req
302. - Call me... Isabel.
- Okay.Copy !req
303. All my days, the beast has haunted me.Copy !req
304. The hunt consumes my every waking moment.Copy !req
305. You might even say Whitewhale is my...Copy !req
306. green light at the end of the dock.Copy !req
307. - What?
- That's a Gatsby reference. Read a book.Copy !req
308. Isabel, be nice.Copy !req
309. I wish I had the energy,
but my obsession has ruined me.Copy !req
310. Destroyed my relationships,
obliterated my career. And for nothing.Copy !req
311. I had one contact on the warehouse floor,
Matt Minnowman.Copy !req
312. - Hmm.
- Then he disappeared.Copy !req
313. - Maybe there's your story.
- Not your story?Copy !req
314. Mm. My editor thought I was getting
"too invested" in the Whitewhale beat,Copy !req
315. so he moved me
to the Holiday Gift Guide desk.Copy !req
316. Now the search for the season's hot toy
torments my waking days.Copy !req
317. Are spirographs the new fidget spinners?
The answer eludes me at every turn.Copy !req
318. I can't believe it. We got a lead.Copy !req
319. Hey, do you wanna walk back to my place?Copy !req
320. Are you kidding? It's so cold.
How is it snowing in October?Copy !req
321. There are basically two seasons here:
bitter winter, unbearable humidity.Copy !req
322. - You'll learn to love it.Copy !req
323. Dear Diane, I'm sure you are dying to knowCopy !req
324. how this Beverly
secret admirer situation is going,Copy !req
325. - so I'll cut right to the chase.
- Oh!Copy !req
326. I started writing "BH" on my snack kits
to clear up any confusionCopy !req
327. about who the extra nuts are for.Copy !req
328. But now Beverly thinks "BH"
stands for Beverly, here-ya-go.Copy !req
329. "Beverly here ya go"?
Why would the "H" stand for—Copy !req
330. - You know what? Doesn't matter.Copy !req
331. The dumbest part is that Beverly doesn't
even eat candied nuts.Copy !req
332. - She's allergic.Copy !req
333. So she usually just ends upCopy !req
334. - giving her nuts to me.Copy !req
335. Doctor Champ would probably say
that means something.Copy !req
336. That the universe has a way of looking out
for us if we just stop fighting it, but...Copy !req
337. I don't know.Copy !req
338. Anyway, I guess it's working.Copy !req
339. Hope things are working
for you, too. BoJack.Copy !req
340. Were you up all night?Copy !req
341. I was following up on this Matt Minnowman.Copy !req
342. Turns out there was an "accident"
at the warehouse.Copy !req
343. - What?
- He stayed late to finish some work.Copy !req
344. "Look at me, I'm just doing some work.
It's no big deal."Copy !req
345. Next morning, they found him dead.Copy !req
346. Oh, shit.Copy !req
347. This guy was trying to get the word out
about working conditions,Copy !req
348. and then he died in the warehouse.Copy !req
349. I got the names of some coworkers,
let's get our handsCopy !req
350. on the security footage.Copy !req
351. Did you know your cereal
was made by Whitewhale?Copy !req
352. I threw it out to be safe.Copy !req
353. Microchips— Oh, my God,
you're looking at me like I'm crazy.Copy !req
354. You think I'm obsessed.
Am I totally scaring you off right now?Copy !req
355. No. You're glowing.Copy !req
356. Hmm.Copy !req
357. We were working 17-hour days.Copy !req
358. We were spread thinner
than a shitty New York slice of pizzaCopy !req
359. and working harder than the '96 Bulls.Copy !req
360. Okay, so Matt's stationed here...Copy !req
361. So, what, he walked to the other side
of the room just to die?Copy !req
362. That's where he died, all right.Copy !req
363. Management left his body out there
on the floor.Copy !req
364. Almost like it was a warning
to the other workers.Copy !req
365. Wow.Copy !req
366. I just don't think you can attribute it
to intentional cruelty.Copy !req
367. - It's callousness.
- Can't it be both?Copy !req
368. Whitewhale's not evil.
They're just capitalists.Copy !req
369. What's the difference?Copy !req
370. From New York Times,
I'm Michael Barbaro. Today—Copy !req
371. - Hello?
- Mister Whitewhale would like to meet youCopy !req
372. at the Chicago Whitewhale building
tomorrow at 2:00.Copy !req
373. Bring your camera.Copy !req
374. Oh, shit. If they know what we're doing,
why would they wanna talk to us?Copy !req
375. I guess we'll find out.Copy !req
376. I'm kind of weirdly excited.Copy !req
377. - Hey. I got you something.
- What? Shut up!Copy !req
378. - Huh.
- Ah.Copy !req
379. - You don't like it.
- No, I love it.Copy !req
380. It's just I won't get much use
out of a coat like this in LA.Copy !req
381. No. It's for here.Copy !req
382. Is this your way of asking me
to move to Chicago?Copy !req
383. No. Not everything is some kind
of secret underhanded conspiracy.Copy !req
384. - Sometimes a coat's just a coat.
- Okay.Copy !req
385. But I also don't know why it's so obvious
that you go back to LA.Copy !req
386. - I live there.
- But there's nothing for you there.Copy !req
387. Excuse me?Copy !req
388. I just don't understand
why you're so into punishing yourself.Copy !req
389. I am not—Copy !req
390. And it's not just yourself,
because every time you get cold,Copy !req
391. - guess who has to give you his coat.
- Oh, sorry, does that inconvenience you?Copy !req
392. No.Copy !req
393. I just don't know
why I should sufferCopy !req
394. because you have this ideological
objection to feeling good.Copy !req
395. Are you— I would love to feel good.Copy !req
396. What a luxury. How nice for you
that you can do thatCopy !req
397. while the world burns around you.Copy !req
398. This is not even about the world,
this is about you and me.Copy !req
399. "You and me"?
What's "you and me"?Copy !req
400. - Don't—
- No, no, tell me, Guy, please,Copy !req
401. because I would love some clarification.
Am I your girlfriend?Copy !req
402. Am I the, um,
"you know, woman that I work with"?Copy !req
403. - Come on, Diane.
- What is this?Copy !req
404. I... Just take the coat.Copy !req
405. I think I should go back to the hotel.Copy !req
406. I didn't know if you'd come.Copy !req
407. Well, we got a job to do, right?
Could get chilly up there.Copy !req
408. I don't know what kind of video
you're putting together,Copy !req
409. but I wanted to let you know I don't mind.Copy !req
410. You're not gonna stop us.Copy !req
411. I don't want to stop you,
I just said that.Copy !req
412. See, when you put out stories about us
being "evil" or "callous"Copy !req
413. or whoever the bad guy in Harry Potter is,Copy !req
414. people think our business is uncompromised
by morality and our stock goes up.Copy !req
415. So, it doesn't bother your shareholders
that one of your employees diedCopy !req
416. in a work-related accident?Copy !req
417. - What accident?
- Matt Minnowman's body was foundCopy !req
418. in your warehouse.Copy !req
419. Oh, him, sure!
But that was no accident. I killed him.Copy !req
420. - What?
- I murdered him!Copy !req
421. Like murdered murdered him?Copy !req
422. Well, I didn't murder-of-crows him.Copy !req
423. He took too many bathroom breaks
and encouraged the other employeesCopy !req
424. to take bathroom breaks as well.Copy !req
425. And you're not worried it's going
to get out that you killed an employee?Copy !req
426. Like in the video
we're shooting right now?Copy !req
427. Didn't you hear? Congress just passed
a bill legalizing murder if you're rich.Copy !req
428. - No, they didn't— Oh, my God, they did!
- What?Copy !req
429. Hold on. Just because it passed
the House doesn't mean the Senate will—Copy !req
430. Really, Diane?Copy !req
431. Okay, but the president could still veto—Copy !req
432. Really, Diane?Copy !req
433. All right, sure, but the Supreme Court.
Okay, I get it.Copy !req
434. Look, don't take it so hard.Copy !req
435. If you wanna do something about it,
just make a billion dollars and murder me!Copy !req
436. Barbara, let's make sure they get
a nice Whitewhale Company gift bagCopy !req
437. - on their way out.Copy !req
438. Well, we can still post the video.Copy !req
439. Why?Copy !req
440. Yeah, right, well, um, safe travels.
It's been real.Copy !req
441. Yeah. It's been real.Copy !req
442. I'm not gonna beg you to stay
if that's what you're waiting for.Copy !req
443. I'm not waiting for anything.Copy !req
444. I'm not that guy who says, "Diane,
please don't go, I'm in love with you.Copy !req
445. Stay here in Chicago
and write your book of essaysCopy !req
446. and come with me to baseball games.Copy !req
447. They've got a pretty good theater scene
here and a big shiny bean and you could...Copy !req
448. You could be so happy
in your warm winter coat."Copy !req
449. - I don't need you to say—
- I'm not gonna be that guy, all right?Copy !req
450. But if you wanted to stay, I could
make things so good for you, Diane.Copy !req
451. - Listen—
- No, no, I get it.Copy !req
452. No, listen. Guy.Copy !req
453. I feel so shitty all the time.Copy !req
454. I feel like the whole world is pushing in
on me, except for when I'm with you.Copy !req
455. You have been such a good thing for me.Copy !req
456. But I can't be with you
if you're the only good thing in my life.Copy !req
457. It's too much pressure. I'm sorry.Copy !req
458. - Diane! Don't get on that train!Copy !req
459. - Guy, I just told you—
- I know, but you're going to the airport.Copy !req
460. That train's going to Cottage Grove,
you're gonna get screwed!Copy !req
461. Oh, no.Copy !req
462. Dear Diane,
it was Beverly's last day yesterday.Copy !req
463. Everyone is real excited for her,
but she spent the whole day sulkingCopy !req
464. because she never found out
who her secret admirer was.Copy !req
465. Frankly, it was getting pretty annoying,
so finally I just say,Copy !req
466. "It was me! I'm in love with you!"Copy !req
467. And she goes,
"Oh. I was hoping it was Mario."Copy !req
468. And then she starts crying.Copy !req
469. And everyone looks at me like, "Way to go,
you made Beverly cry on her last day."Copy !req
470. So, the thing I keep thinking about is...Copy !req
471. was it worth it for Beverly to be happy
for a little bit,Copy !req
472. even though it ended up sad?Copy !req
473. Or would it have been better
if the whole thing never happened?Copy !req
474. Every time someone leaves rehab...Copy !req
475. it makes you think
about your own progress.Copy !req
476. Some days it feels like you're not
progressing at all, other days you think,Copy !req
477. "Well, maybe a little."Copy !req
478. The main thing I think about
is how stupid I amCopy !req
479. that I didn't do this sooner.Copy !req
480. I wasted so many years being miserable
because I assumedCopy !req
481. that was the only way to be.Copy !req
482. But I don't wanna do that anymore.Copy !req
483. Also, am I crazy or have I gotten
really good at writing letters?Copy !req
484. This is BoJack, by the way.Copy !req
485. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
486. I was thinking about these grilled cheese
sandwiches I used to make,Copy !req
487. back when I first moved to LA.Copy !req
488. - What?
- I was dirt-broke,Copy !req
489. and I had no friends and no job,Copy !req
490. and I got obsessed with perfecting
the art of the grilled cheese sandwich.Copy !req
491. - Makes sense.
- Partly because it was cheap,Copy !req
492. but also because while I was doing it,Copy !req
493. I wasn't thinking about how depressing
my life was.Copy !req
494. Okay.Copy !req
495. So, on the plane I was thinking,Copy !req
496. I should make
another grilled cheese sandwichCopy !req
497. because I haven't in a long time,
but I love themCopy !req
498. and they always make me feel better
about things.Copy !req
499. - Look, Diane, I gotta—
- And the thing aboutCopy !req
500. making your own grilled cheese sandwich
is you can do it anywhere. You know?Copy !req
501. Yeah?Copy !req
502. Yeah.
So, I guess that's another good thing.Copy !req