1. What you got there?
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2. I think it's a hydrangea.
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3. Does she even like that kind of plant?
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4. Probably not. She doesn't like anything.
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5. Hello, BoJack.
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6. Thanks for having me, Mom.
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7. You're the guest of honor.
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8. Everyone, BoJack is here.
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9. Hey, buddy! Get in here!
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10. - For you.
- Oh, a plant.
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11. Dirt for inside. Goody.
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12. You got here just in time, BoJack.
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13. A bird flew in through the window
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14. and we're having trouble
getting her out of the house.
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15. Yeah, call yourself early
and go get a worm!
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16. Golly, she's more coy
than a coyote claiming a cottontail.
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17. Ahem. Phone for you, Mrs. Horseman.
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18. Thank you, butler.
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19. - Is that Zach Braff?
- Who?
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20. Zach Braff. Actor, independent filmmaker,
real-life friend of Donald Faison?
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21. - You mean my butler?
- At your service!
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22. I actually was friends with Donald
in real life.
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23. He's a spectacular man...
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24. - Butler!
- Sorry! Phone call for you.
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25. I'll take it in the kitchen.
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26. BoJack, make yourself useful for a change
and help, will ya?
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27. With the bird?
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28. Hello? Oh, it's you.
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29. All right. That does it!
Son of a...!
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30. With a drop like that,
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31. you'd think she was the ratings
for Veronica's Closet
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32. when it moved to Mondays.
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33. Ugh. Comedy poison.
Who wants to laugh on a Monday?
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34. BJ! Finally made it
to our little soirée, huh?
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35. Yeah, I kept having this dream
where I was having dinner
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36. with all the people who were gone
and I thought, "I should do that!"
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37. So, here I am.
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38. - We've got to flank her from the left.
- Huh?
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39. Hello. Crackerjack?
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40. That's what it says on my underpants!
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41. The uncle I never met
and yet could never live up to!
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42. All right, soldier. Ready, aim...
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43. Huh?
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44. Hey! What's up, man?
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45. Hey, Corduroy. Good to...
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46. Still weirded out because the last time
you saw me I was naked,
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47. hanging from my iPhone charger,
holding a lemon, with a very erect penis
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48. despite being deceased in my trailer
for over an hour?
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49. Yep.
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50. You're gonna have to get over that, buddy.
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51. Hmm. Mm. Ooh.
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52. - What are you...? Stop that.
- Oh! Oh, sorry.
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53. Forgot where I was for a second.
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54. - Think this'll help?
- Kid's got the right idea.
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55. We can chuck the choker
and spook her with this poker!
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56. - Show her who's boss!
- Ruffle her feathers!
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57. Get her to the kitchen!
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58. And that!
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59. - All right!
- Go!
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60. Ha-cha!
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61. Yes, yes, BoJack bullied a bird.
Bully for him.
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62. Speaking of useless,
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63. my husband is running late,
so we're gonna start dinner without him.
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64. He'll be here before the show starts,
won't he?
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65. He'd better be.
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66. In the meantime,
let's adjourn to the dining room
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67. before our dinners get
as cold as my parenting style.
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68. I think mine would be
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69. the first time someone asked
for my autograph.
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70. - Really?
- Oh, wow!
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71. I didn't even know how to write my name!
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72. I just drew a squiggle!
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73. - Water?
- Thank you, Zach Braff.
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74. You only get to give
your first autograph once, you know.
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75. The second time it becomes an obligation,
the third time a chore.
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76. - But the first time...
- The first time...
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77. - Hey. What is that?
- Ah, ah, ah.
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78. Shh.
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79. - Mm.
- Okay. My turn.
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80. Mine was also when I signed
on a dotted line to enlist.
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81. Are you ready to sing "The Lollypop Song"
in the big show later?
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82. No, Mom.
You know I never make it to the show.
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83. I didn't know then that enlisting
would lead to my two worst parts.
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84. You have two?
I didn't know we could pick two.
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85. Corduroy, it's a conversation,
not an assignment.
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86. - In that case, I have three.
- Three is way too many.
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87. My worst parts were saying goodbye
to my mother
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88. and seeing a bullet go straight
through my general's face,
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89. right before it hit my own.
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90. At least your death was instantaneous.
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91. I can still hear the loud drips of my IV
from when I had cancer.
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92. - Drip. Drip.
- Ooh.
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93. - What about you, BoJack?
- What?
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94. Best part, worst part, what about you?
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95. Well, I guess my worst part
has to be, um...
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96. Right before I got here, I think? Uh...
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97. I went to Angela Diaz's house.
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98. Ugh!
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99. Does anyone else's water
taste like chlorine?
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100. Hey, Braff, can I get
some different water over here?
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101. Right away, Mr. Horseman.
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102. Crackerjack, do you think your death
meant something
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103. because it was in the service
of a greater cause?
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104. - Aw, shucks.
- Of course it meant something.
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105. I think questions like that are too big
for a little soldier like me.
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106. My brother gave the ultimate sacrifice.
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107. - Because sometimes I wonder...
- But see, this is where I get hung up,
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108. because when we valorize
the idea of sacrifice,
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109. - of loss, of suffering...
- BoJack, don't start with this again.
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110. When we grow up
in a house that does that,
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111. we internalize this idea
that being happy is a selfish act,
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112. but sacrifice doesn't mean anything.
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113. - Yes, it does.
- Sacrifice?
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114. In the service of something greater,
maybe, but just in and of itself?
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115. - What's the good in that?
- A lot.
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116. Sacrifice is good.
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117. It has to be because I sacrificed a ton,
and I was freaking awesome.
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118. Oh, and what did you ever sacrifice?
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119. I gave everything.
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120. I gave my whole life.
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121. You died in a hedonistic bender.
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122. I'm not talking about my death.
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123. I'm talking about my life.
I gave my whole life.
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124. If we get into everyone's whole life,
we're gonna be here all night.
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125. It's called "Best Part/Worst Part,"
not "Everything That Ever Happened."
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126. Okay, worst part:
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127. the 2007 "Sexually Confident Virgin Tour."
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128. My manager leaked nudes
to get more tour dates added,
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129. my mom pointed out every carb I ate,
it was hell.
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130. But it gave millions of fans
a show they will never forget.
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131. And that is worth something.
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132. No, that's a high you chase.
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133. - It was not.
- You think you singing songs on stage
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134. is the same thing as this guy
who died liberating the camps?
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135. We don't need to compare
apples to Auschwitzes.
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136. Herb, tell 'em. It means something...
the work we do, the joy we bring.
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137. It has to, right?
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138. Boy, I sure thought so.
I-I used to really believe in it.
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139. I mean, I was one "trapped in an airport
during a snowstorm
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140. on the eve of the dance championship
guest starring Gregory Hines" episode
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141. away from an Emmy.
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142. Then I lost it all.
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143. Ow! Seriously, is no one noticing
this leak?
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144. Fine, we'll get a bucket.
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145. - The drips are hitting me!
- Then you'll hold the bucket.
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146. But the funny thing is,
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147. it wasn't until I got fired
that I actually became myself.
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148. I was out of the closet. I was free.
I was authentically me.
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149. What does being authentic
have to do with anything?
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150. Well, when I wasn't hiding
behind some facade, I could be at peace.
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151. That's when I really got
into philanthropy.
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152. - Can I ask you something, Herb?
- Why do people say that?
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153. If you're asking it, then yes,
you can and you will and you just did.
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154. Yeah, why are we announcing our questions?
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155. Yeah, what are these questions, royalty?
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156. Announcing King and Queen Query
of the Interrogative Isle.
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157. May I ask you how do you do?
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158. - Very well, thanks.
- Ah, bup, bup, bup!
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159. I didn't ask you yet.
I asked if I could ask you.
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160. Did you get pleasure
from your charity work?
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161. Like real, deep pleasure?
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162. It dwarfed every other joy in my life.
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163. Doesn't count then.
If you got pleasure, it wasn't selfless.
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164. And it's only good if it's selfless.
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165. Who made up that rule? I helped people.
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166. Who cares if it made me feel good, too?
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167. Feeling good is inherently selfish.
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168. If I'd given myself to Christ,
truly went down the path...
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169. I don't care for this talk of religion
in my house.
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170. If I wasn't constantly
trying to feel good, get it better,
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171. always looking for maximum pleasure...
That was my worst part.
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172. Well, one of the three worst parts.
Wait, actually, can I have four?
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173. Discovering you in your trailer
definitely cracks my top five.
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174. This is bullshit!
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175. I did a lot for a lot of people!
I was not a bad person.
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176. No one is accusing you
of being a bad person, Sarah Lynn.
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177. You are! You all are
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178. with your "being authentic"
and "charity work" and "killing Nazis."
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179. I actually never killed a Nazi.
All my kills were friendly fire.
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180. I also never liberated any camps.
I'm honestly not sure what I did.
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181. Here you go.
Your husband just pulled up, ma'am.
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182. Wait, Dad's here?
He's never made it to dinner before.
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183. - Hey, here's a question.
- Another question has arrived!
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184. Did any of you have a song of yours
played in outer space?
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185. Anyone? No. Just me? Oh.
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186. That's what I thought.
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187. My hit single "No, No, No"
is making its way to Mars!
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188. That means something.
I will be remembered.
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189. That has to mean something. I will be...
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190. Sorry I'm late. Did I miss the show?
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191. - Hey!
- There he is! There's our guy!
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192. - Dad!
- I...
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193. Oh, you didn't miss a thing.
It's not like we have anywhere to be.
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194. Why shouldn't we all bend ourselves
to your schedule?
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195. I already apologized. I was running.
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196. Yes. As always, running late,
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197. while I was running myself ragged
trying to get dinner on the table.
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198. Yes, you helped.
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199. And now I'm running out of patience
for you running your mouth.
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200. And I'm running out the clock
until we both...
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201. Well. Here we are.
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202. I'll just squeeze in here.
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203. - Get yourself something nice.
- Ooh! Thank you, Mr. Secretariat.
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204. - What'd I miss?
- We're playing Best Part/Worst Part.
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205. Ooh! I got one! Machu Picchu.
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206. When I left "Horsin' Around,"
I honestly thought about killing myself.
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207. Shit, Herb. Really?
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208. Yeah. But the Knicks
were having a good season
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209. and I wanted to see what happened.
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210. Wait, you didn't kill yourself
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211. because the Knicks
were having a good season?
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212. What would you have done
if they were having a bad season?
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213. I don't know. Gotten into baseball?
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214. Oh, for the love...
Where's your follow-through?
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215. It's like you didn't even
wanna kill yourself!
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216. And I'm so glad I didn't.
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217. Because there I was ten years later
at Machu Picchu
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218. and I realized there was so much more
I could do in a life.
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219. Okay, my turn.
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220. August 22nd, 1973,
I was banned from running ever again.
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221. And running, well, that was the only thing
that ever made sense to me,
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222. so if I couldn't do that I was nobody.
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223. - This is your worst part?
- Best part: jumping off that bridge.
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224. - Jesus.
- What did I say about the Jesus talk?
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225. It was my choice.
I got to go on my own terms.
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226. Not a lot of people can say that.
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227. - No.
- That's true.
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228. The view from up there.
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229. Eh, you wouldn't believe it.
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230. Oh, my.
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231. - It must've been from swimming earlier.
- Oh, you were swimming?
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232. Yeah. I, um...
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233. - When was I swimming?
- Don't think about that.
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234. - Do you have a best part?
- Oh, uh, I don't know.
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235. This past year I took a teaching job.
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236. And I had this one student
who was really struggling,
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237. just couldn't get over this hump.
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238. And what, you helped him
do good in a scene? For your class?
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239. That's the best part of your whole life?
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240. I don't know, I was just spitballing.
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241. I didn't know you were gonna put me
on the spot like this!
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242. Come on, buddy.
What was so special about that moment?
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243. It felt good to help someone do something.
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244. See? Helping someone, like I said!
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245. But he liked it because it felt good,
like I said!
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246. I liked it because it reminded me
of when I was young, just starting out.
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247. You and me, screwing around,
hitting up open mics.
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248. Trying to figure it out. I think...
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249. - I think that was the best part.
- Really?
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250. Well, are we ready to start the show?
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251. - Let's do this!
- Okay, nice seeing you all!
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252. You're not coming?
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253. This is always the part where I wake up.
You all go to the show.
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254. Zach Braff says "Pardon my reach"
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255. even though he can clearly
get my plate from another angle.
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256. - Then I wake up.
- Oh, okay.
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257. Next time then.
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258. Pardon my reach.
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259. Hmm.
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260. Hello, everyone!
Please take your seats.
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261. Tonight's show is in honor
of BoJack Horseman!
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262. What do you say, huh?
Should we get this show started?
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263. Yeah! Tonight's opener
needs no introduction,
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264. but I'm gonna give her one anyway.
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265. Ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only, Sarah Lynn!
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266. Thank you, thank you!
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267. I'd like to dedicate tonight's performance
to the man of the hour, BoJack Horseman!
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268. Sarah Lynn, I'm so sorry
for everything that happened with you.
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269. With us. I should have protected you...
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270. Ah, ah, ah. BoJack. This is my time.
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271. Yes. Of course. Sorry.
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272. Sarah Lynn? Sarah Lynn!
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273. Okay, performing
an interpretive aerial routine,
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274. your friend and mine,
and a killer hang...
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275. Corduroy Jackson-Jackson!
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276. - Where did Sarah Lynn go?
- Shh.
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277. - Try to enjoy the show.
- Ha!
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278. - Where does this door go?
- Sit down, buddy. You'll get your turn.
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279. - No, I need you to tell me... What?
- Watch out!
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280. That's a series wrap
on Corduroy Jackson-Jackson!
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281. Down in front, please?
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282. All right,
let's keep this show going, huh?
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283. Next up, you know him, you love him,
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284. please a give a warm, warm,
burning hot welcome to...
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285. - Hey. You wanna grab a smoke?
- ... Zach Braff!
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286. Yes. Yeah, let's get out of here.
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287. Oh-ho, whee! I'm honored.
Honored, honored.
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288. So, what's on the other side of that door?
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289. The nerve of that guy.
With the beard. Herb?
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290. Yeah. Herb.
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291. What, he says he's at peace?
'Cause why, Machu Picchu?
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292. - I don't buy it.
- I don't know. I... I believe him.
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293. I promise you,
every single person in that room
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294. would go back if we could.
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295. Peace? That's someone
trying to convince himself of something.
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296. - Of what?
- That life has meaning or purpose, that...
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297. that if you check the right boxes
and do the dance,
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298. then you get a little parting gift
at the end,
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299. a framed certificate that says,
"Congratulations, you've got peace."
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300. - I wouldn't mind that.
- But guess what?
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301. All the time those people spent,
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302. trying to do good or help people
or be something?
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303. I did none of that shit,
and yet here I am, same as them.
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304. You were the fastest runner in the world.
You inspired millions.
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305. And yet, here I am, same as you.
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306. So, if you could go back, do it again,
what would you do different?
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307. What would I do?
I wouldn't have cared so much.
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308. Cared about what? Racing?
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309. About everything.
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310. I know this part is confusing
because I'm Secretariat
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311. and also your dad for some reason,
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312. but speaking as your dad,
it's important that you know that I cared.
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313. No. You never cared.
You cared about your book.
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314. You cared about getting drunk
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315. and telling everyone
how miserable you were,
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316. but that's not caring.
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317. You think I didn't care
because I put up walls,
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318. but I cared so much, BoJack.
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319. About you, about your mother.
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320. I wanted you to respect me.
I wanted you to love me.
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321. I was so afraid that you would know that.
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322. I cared so much.
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323. It's a shame that we could never
talk like this in real life.
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324. All the good it would have done.
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325. Least we got the chance this time,
before I wake up.
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326. Wake up?
Oh, you're not getting it, are you?
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327. Getting what?
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328. Loss is a collaborative art,
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329. between the people who leave us
and those who remain.
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330. We dance with the shadows
of their absence.
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331. - With that in mind, I present to you...
- Stop the show!
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332. - Excuse me.
- What's happening?
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333. You're being very rude.
I was about to do my roller-dance routine.
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334. - Calm down, son.
- Yes, why don't you sit down, and...
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335. - No!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no. Please!
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336. I'm not ready. I never got to direct
my Backdraft remake:
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337. "Zach Braff's Backdraft"!
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338. I never finished my memoir:
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339. "I Started A Zach Which Started
The Whole World Braffing!"
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340. I never got to license
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341. the Zach Braff Short Stack
Breakfast Attack at Shake Shack!
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342. Cash-strapped hash brown fans
who hashtag "Zach's snacks"
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343. get cash back fast
with the Braff Bucks app!
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344. I need to wake up. I can't be here.
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345. Of course. Everything's always about you.
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346. - BJ, buddy...
- Herb! How did I get here?
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347. How the hell should I know?
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348. I broke into my house.
But it wasn't my house anymore.
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349. I was... I was watching
the "Horsin' Around" Blu-ray.
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350. Yes. Yeah, and I drank some more
and I found some pills.
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351. And then I went swimming...
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352. No! No! No! No, wait, wait, wait!
I got out of the pool.
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353. Yes! And I called Diane!
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354. BoJack, we're trying to do a show here.
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355. But I called Diane.
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356. I couldn't have drowned
if I got out of the pool to call Diane!
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357. So, I shouldn't be here.
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358. If I could just finish
the conversation. Where's a phone?
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359. All right, ladies and gentlemen,
we have a real treat for you next.
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360. A real treat.
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361. Come and see him
before he makes a run for it.
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362. - No! Stop!
- It's Secretariat!
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363. Stay calm. Flyin' off the handle
won't change a thing.
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364. This was gonna happen to you
one of these days.
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365. A poem. Original, obviously.
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366. It's called "The View from Halfway Down."
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367. "The weak breeze whispers nothing
The water screams sublime
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368. His feet shift teeter-totter
Deep breath, stand back, it's time
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369. Toes untouch the overpass
Soon he's water bound
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370. Eyes locked shut but peek to see
The view from halfway down"
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371. I'm not done. Hold on. I'm not done.
I'm not done.
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372. "A little wind, a summer sun
A river rich and regal
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373. A flood of fond endorphins
Brings a calm that knows no equal
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374. You're flying now
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375. You see things much more clear
Than from the ground
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376. It's all okay, it would be
Were you not now halfway down
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377. Thrash to break from gravity
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378. What now could slow the drop?
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379. All I'd give for toes to touch
The safety back at top"
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380. I change my mind.
I change my mind. I don't wanna...
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381. It's okay.
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382. "But this is it, the deed is done
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383. Silence drowns the sound
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384. Before I leaped I should have seen
The view from halfway down
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385. No! I really should have thought
About the view from halfway down"
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386. Find your peace, big guy. Find it.
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387. "I wish I could have known
About the view from halfway down..."
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388. I need to get out of here!
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389. - Wha...
- BJ, where do you think you're going?
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390. Nothing you do in here matters, pal.
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391. Yelling and struggling isn't gonna
pull your body out of that pool,
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392. - so you might as well just...
- Sit down!
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393. But I...
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394. Look, BJ, it's possible that someone
is going to find you and save you,
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395. and it's also possible that someone won't.
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396. We don't get to know.
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397. Can I ask you a question?
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398. Has anyone ever come back from this place?
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399. BJ, there is no place.
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400. It's just your brain going through
what it feels like it has to go through.
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401. All you can do right now
is sit back and enjoy the show.
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402. Folks, here is Beatrice Horseman
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403. with her younger older brother,
Crackerjack!
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404. Hoo!
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405. This is the hard part.
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406. Golly.
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407. And now the easy part.
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408. Over and out!
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409. Wow. Beatrice Horseman, huh?
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410. You know, she was gonna sing
for us tonight,
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411. but apparently, she was a little "horse."
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412. Okay. You ready for the headliner?
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413. No.
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414. Please welcome to the stage...
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415. No. Please.
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416. The star of "Horsin' Around"
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417. and "The BoJack Horseman Show"!
"Philbert"! "Secretariat"!
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418. The upcoming "Horny Unicorn"!
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419. Son of Butterscotch and Beatrice!
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420. Husband to no one! Father to none,
that we know of!
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421. Stand-up comedian, actor,
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422. crippling alcoholic!
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423. A talented charmer
and a stupid piece of shit.
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424. It's... BoJack Horseman!
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425. Is it terrifying?
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426. No. I don't think so.
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427. It's the way it is, you know?
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428. Everything must come to an end,
the drip finally stops.
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429. See you on the other side.
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430. Oh, BoJack, no, there is no other side.
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431. This is it.
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432. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
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433. I... I need to make a phone call.
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434. Hello?
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435. Someone? Anyone?
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436. I'm looking for a phone.
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437. Diane! Diane! Are you there?
Diane! I need you!
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438. - BoJack?
- Diane! Thank God!
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439. Thank God, Diane. Okay, Diane.
Diane, you're gonna save me, right?
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440. I called you
and you're coming to get me?
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441. BoJack, why did you call me?
I live in Chicago. I can't save you.
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442. - You didn't pick up.
- Right.
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443. - It went to voicemail.
- Yeah.
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444. And then... I went back in the pool.
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445. - It's too late. What's done is done.
- No.
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446. There's nothing I can do, BoJack.
I'm not real. None of this is.
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447. - So, what do I do now?
- BoJack, it doesn't matter.
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448. Well, if it doesn't matter,
can I stay on the phone with you at least?
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449. Okay.
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450. How was your day?
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451. - Good.
- Yeah?
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452. Yeah. My day was good.
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