1. Shocking revelations today
about BoJack Horseman's involvementCopy !req
2. in the overdose of Sarah Lynn,Copy !req
3. in an explosive new
"Hollywoo Reporter" exposé.Copy !req
4. Is BoJack #canceled?Copy !req
5. On "Braxby Means Business
with Biscuits Braxby,"Copy !req
6. BoJack Horseman opens up
in an exclusive interview.Copy !req
7. For the first time ever,Copy !req
8. we'll hear the real story
of the last days of Sarah Lynn.Copy !req
9. I don't believe it.Copy !req
10. I left shoe leather
in six different statesCopy !req
11. and spun the scoop of my careerCopy !req
12. all to get sidetracked by a sit-down
with a second-rate celebrity suck-up.Copy !req
13. Relax. Your story's clearly
doing somethingCopy !req
14. if they're scrambling
to do damage control so fast.Copy !req
15. That's just it, Patience,
my sister and lifelong confidante.Copy !req
16. These schmoozey charlatans will pour syrupCopy !req
17. all over this stack of Shinola
and try to tell you it's pancakes.Copy !req
18. And I'm powerless to prevent it!Copy !req
19. Don't you have enough dirt
for a whole other story?Copy !req
20. You know full well
once I become Baxter's bride,Copy !req
21. I'm trading board rooms for bedrooms,
watches for swatchesCopy !req
22. and deadlines for bedtimes.Copy !req
23. Okay, so then get married and forget
about this BoJack story.Copy !req
24. I mean, who cares, right?Copy !req
25. Patience, you cut to the core
like a classic Sinclair.Copy !req
26. I shall miss making mincemeat
of the misdeeds of mischievous miscreants,Copy !req
27. but I must focus on my new mission,
as I transition from miss to missus.Copy !req
28. Why do you talk like that?
We're from Fresno.Copy !req
29. Huh, they're really hyping up
this BoJack interview.Copy !req
30. I gotta admit I'm kinda curious.
You're gonna watch, right?Copy !req
31. No. I can't waste my energy
getting worked up about that guy, Guy.Copy !req
32. I've done enough of that.
Like, years of that.Copy !req
33. - Yeah, but it's not like you can just...
- I need to work on my book.Copy !req
34. These mall-related mysteries
aren't gonna solve themselves.Copy !req
35. Spoken like a very emotionally
healthy woman,Copy !req
36. productive professional writer
and super-cute girlfriend.Copy !req
37. We already know what BoJack's gonna say.Copy !req
38. He'll admit to everything in the story,
but nothing else.Copy !req
39. He'll trot out this sad-sack routine,
everyone will feel bad for him.Copy !req
40. He'll talk about his addictions.Copy !req
41. "Showbiz is awful.
My parents were abusive."Copy !req
42. He'll say he's changed.
That he's not that guy anymore.Copy !req
43. - Yeah. You sound real done with it.
- I am! I'm just saying.Copy !req
44. They'll make you feel bad for him,
without it being too sad...Copy !req
45. because too sad is a bring-down.
We wanna shoot for pensive.Copy !req
46. And this will keep you
from talking with your hands,Copy !req
47. which can be construed as aggressive.Copy !req
48. And whatever you do, don't get defensive!
Don't deny anything, and don't argue.Copy !req
49. Give me a smile.Copy !req
50. Uh...Copy !req
51. Whoa! Am I my third favorite
Bruce Springsteen songCopy !req
52. because I was not "Born in the USA"
nor am I "Tougher Than the Rest,"Copy !req
53. but I am "Blinded By the Light"!
Nice smile, buddy.Copy !req
54. Do you need to be here right now?Copy !req
55. Since your interview is leading
into the season finale of "Birthday Dad,"Copy !req
56. I wanted to officially welcome you
to the MBN Thursday Night family.Copy !req
57. Thank you.Copy !req
58. And to ask if it wouldn't be
too much trouble for youCopy !req
59. to shout out "Birthday Dad"
during your interview?Copy !req
60. - Why would I...
- But only if the interview is going well.Copy !req
61. If the interview is going poorly,
please do not bring up "Birthday Dad."Copy !req
62. Hey, Princess Carolyn, I... Oh. BoJack.Copy !req
63. - Getting ready for the interview?
- Yeah.Copy !req
64. Oh! You've got your work cut out for you,
because people hate you right now.Copy !req
65. - I'm aware, thank you.
- That story... Wow.Copy !req
66. Really well-written, huh?Copy !req
67. Yeah, the power of the prose
was not the first thing I noticed.Copy !req
68. Haunting.Copy !req
69. Anyway, Princess Carolyn,Copy !req
70. is it cool if I take tomorrow night off
for a date with Maude?Copy !req
71. Todd, I keep hearing about
this new girlfriend of yours.Copy !req
72. When do I meet her?Copy !req
73. You can probably take this part
of the conversation elsewhere.Copy !req
74. Right this way.Copy !req
75. We should go on a double date
with you and Pickles!Copy !req
76. Pickles and I are putting our relaysh
on a brief hiate at the mo,Copy !req
77. but as soon as she returns
from her work trip...Copy !req
78. Uh, oh!Copy !req
79. Excuse me, I'm receiving a text message
and it appears we have broken up forever.Copy !req
80. - You're gonna be great.
- Yeah. Where are we doing this?Copy !req
81. I got them to take the "Philbert" set
out of storage.Copy !req
82. Why?Copy !req
83. Because we want the intimacy
and vulnerability of your home.Copy !req
84. You're saying, "This is me. No more lies."Copy !req
85. But since we're pre-taping it
in the afternoon,Copy !req
86. we're using the set to make it look
like it's nighttime.Copy !req
87. Makes sense.Copy !req
88. I'm here with BoJack Horseman
in his actual house.Copy !req
89. BoJack, a story came out this morning
about the last days of Sarah Lynn.Copy !req
90. How did it make you feel?Copy !req
91. Honestly? I felt relieved
that now I can stop lying.Copy !req
92. - Are the allegations in the story true?
- They are.Copy !req
93. Sarah Lynn was nine months sober.
I invited her on a bender.Copy !req
94. We spiraled together for a little over
a month and then she overdosed.Copy !req
95. On heroin you purchased for her?Copy !req
96. - Well, I didn't purchase it for her...
- There's no need to get defensive.Copy !req
97. I'm just trying to be accurate.Copy !req
98. I-I didn't purchase it at all.
I just had it.Copy !req
99. You just had heroin?
Lying around.Copy !req
100. No, no, no, no, not lying around.Copy !req
101. You're making it sound
like I had extra heroin,Copy !req
102. because I do so much heroin.Copy !req
103. I had that heroin
because I wasn't doing heroin.Copy !req
104. So, I had it. You understand?Copy !req
105. In your original statement to the police,
you said she called you,Copy !req
106. you came to the planetarium and found her.
That was a lie.Copy !req
107. Yes.Copy !req
108. Would you say Sarah Lynn dying
was your rock bottom?Copy !req
109. I don't believe in rock bottoms.Copy !req
110. I've had a lot of what I thought
were rock bottoms only to discoverCopy !req
111. - another rockier bottom underneath.
- That sounds dangerous.Copy !req
112. Eventually, I decided to stop waiting
for something to change me.Copy !req
113. I had to make the change myself.
And that's why I went to rehab.Copy !req
114. And I'm very proud to be one year sober
next month.Copy !req
115. So, if I'm understanding you correctly,Copy !req
116. Sarah Lynn dying
was part of that decision?Copy !req
117. Uh, it was part of it, yes.
Uh, I've made a lot of mistakes.Copy !req
118. Can you share some of those
other mistakes?Copy !req
119. I... I don't think
that it would be fair to the peopleCopy !req
120. who were affected by those mistakes,
all of whom I've apologized to in private.Copy !req
121. Now that you're sober,Copy !req
122. do you think you'll stop
making these mistakes?Copy !req
123. I do. It's been a lot of work,Copy !req
124. but I look back at that other BoJack
and I think, "Who is that?"Copy !req
125. And who was he?Copy !req
126. I came from a broken home,Copy !req
127. and I used to feel like my whole life
was an acting job.Copy !req
128. Just doing an impression of the people
I saw on television,Copy !req
129. which was just the projection of a bunch
of equally screwed-up writers and actors.Copy !req
130. I felt like a Xerox of a Xerox
of a person, you know what I mean?Copy !req
131. - But not anymore?
- No. Now I feel like me.Copy !req
132. It must have been difficultCopy !req
133. to see those same patterns
repeat themselves with Sarah Lynn.Copy !req
134. I think that's why her death
was so scary for me,Copy !req
135. why I didn't wanna confront it,
because she reminded me of myself.Copy !req
136. Some have accused Sarah Lynn's mother
of exploiting her death.Copy !req
137. When you hear "All Twerk and No Play"
in a Geico commercial,Copy !req
138. or see Sarah Lynn's face on a billboard
with the slogan "I'd die for a Pepsi,"Copy !req
139. - how does that make you feel?
- Sad. Angry.Copy !req
140. Honestly, it feels like
that's what killed her.Copy !req
141. Not the heroin?Copy !req
142. No, you're right.
It was mostly the heroin.Copy !req
143. If you could talk to her mother now,
what would you say to her?Copy !req
144. I would say... I wish you could know...Copy !req
145. how sorry I am.Copy !req
146. - Am I crazy or did I nail that?
- It was good.Copy !req
147. Oh, man, when she brought up
Sarah Lynn's mother?Copy !req
148. She was setting me up
to throw her under the bus,Copy !req
149. but then I said I'm sorry?Copy !req
150. I mean, that was a sweet move, yeah?
I felt like I could see The Matrix!Copy !req
151. You've definitely gotten
your 10,000 hours inCopy !req
152. when it comes to apologizing.Copy !req
153. It was good, right?
People are gonna like it?Copy !req
154. Yeah, well, we'll find out in three hours
when it airs.Copy !req
155. And that's why the band ChicagoCopy !req
156. is not one of the top ten Chicago bands
of all time.Copy !req
157. Uh-huh.Copy !req
158. Hmm, it's okay
if you wanna watch. All right?Copy !req
159. He's your friend, it's a big deal for him.Copy !req
160. - You don't have to be so weird about it.
- I'm not being weird. I'm in a good place.Copy !req
161. I don't wanna get dragged back
into that other stuff.Copy !req
162. That's great! But, you know,
it is a little weirdCopy !req
163. that one of your best friends
is a huge celebrityCopy !req
164. - and you never wanna talk about him.
- Roxy's really more my "best" best friend.Copy !req
165. But you never talk about Roxy either!Copy !req
166. I don't understand what her job is
and it's too late for me to ask.Copy !req
167. And you were also married
to a huge celebrity.Copy !req
168. And you never talk about him either.Copy !req
169. You don't share your past life with me.
You wanna talk about weird?Copy !req
170. I've lived here six months
and I still haven't met your son.Copy !req
171. Okay. But you don't really
wanna meet Sonny.Copy !req
172. Of course I do!Copy !req
173. All right, cool.
Let's get dinner tomorrow.Copy !req
174. "Tomorrow" tomorrow?Copy !req
175. Huh.Copy !req
176. I saw your interview, BoJack.Copy !req
177. As a recovering addict myself,
I was spellbound!Copy !req
178. Wow. I had no idea.Copy !req
179. And I see no reason
why you shouldn't return to Wesleyan.Copy !req
180. Uh, small latte?Copy !req
181. - My manager told me not to charge you.
- What?Copy !req
182. He said he watched
your interview last night,Copy !req
183. then turned off the TVCopy !req
184. and went straight
to his first AA meeting.Copy !req
185. Huh.Copy !req
186. No "Birthday Dad."Copy !req
187. - So, I nailed it.
- You kidding?Copy !req
188. - Pinky Penguin, line one.
- Pinky!Copy !req
189. Princess Carolyn!Copy !req
190. You delivered MBN
the best ratings we've seen in years!Copy !req
191. You just bought us six more months
of not having to sell ourselvesCopy !req
192. to a larger media company
that strips us for office furniture.Copy !req
193. BoJack and I
were just talking about all the buzz.Copy !req
194. I wanna strike while the iron is hot
and do a part two tonight.Copy !req
195. - Part two?
- There is no part two.Copy !req
196. It's right there in the title,
"The Last Days of Sarah Lynn."Copy !req
197. Just sit down with Biscuits againCopy !req
198. and tell a few more colorful anecdotes
from your years partying in Hollywoo.Copy !req
199. Then, an encore presentation
of the "Birthday Dad" finale.Copy !req
200. Makes sense.Copy !req
201. We got what we wanted out of this.
I don't think we should push it.Copy !req
202. We're starting a dialogue.
I'm helping people.Copy !req
203. Move over, Sad Dog.
Make room for Remorse Horse!Copy !req
204. That's great BoJack, but...Copy !req
205. Listen, I'm ready to move on
and go back to Connecticut,Copy !req
206. but it does feel good to be part
of the conversation again.Copy !req
207. And if my openness and candor
about addiction is helping people,Copy !req
208. then I'm kind of a dick
if I don't do another interview, right?Copy !req
209. I mean, I wasn't gonna say it.Copy !req
210. Thank you so much for inviting us
into your homeCopy !req
211. - for another night of questions.
- Are you kidding?Copy !req
212. You couldn't keep me away!
Because this is my house.Copy !req
213. I wanna start
with another Sarah Lynn question.Copy !req
214. Oh, here we go.Copy !req
215. Speaking of addicts,
I think you're addicted to Sarah Lynn!Copy !req
216. You told the police
you weren't with her when she died.Copy !req
217. That she called you from the planetarium.Copy !req
218. Yes, I lied.Copy !req
219. Weren't you afraid the police would check
the phone records?Copy !req
220. Oh! Well, I wasn't thinking clearly.
Guess I'm not a criminal mastermind!Copy !req
221. But the police did check
the phone records,Copy !req
222. and your story checked out.Copy !req
223. There was a two-minute phone call
made from her phone to your phone,Copy !req
224. 17 minutes before you called 911.Copy !req
225. - Oh?
- If you were with her,Copy !req
226. - how do you explain the phone call?
- I, um...Copy !req
227. I called myself.Copy !req
228. After I realized what had had happened,
I took her phone and I called myselfCopy !req
229. so I could make it look like
she called me.Copy !req
230. - Why?
- I went into panic mode.Copy !req
231. And then what did you do?Copy !req
232. I thought we were gonna talk
about other stuff.Copy !req
233. What did you do after you called
your own phone, BoJack?Copy !req
234. I went outside to the parking lot.Copy !req
235. And you just waited there for 17 minutes?Copy !req
236. Why are you asking about this?Copy !req
237. Biscuits Braxby.
Paige Sinclair. You've been had.Copy !req
238. A pleasure to meet you. Had by who?Copy !req
239. The pleasure is mine,Copy !req
240. the pronoun is whom,
and the whom is the horse.Copy !req
241. BoJack? I got him to spill his guts
about the worst moment of his lifeCopy !req
242. on national television for huge ratings.Copy !req
243. Your disgusting display
of soft-pedaling sycophancyCopy !req
244. made me wanna quit
the journalism business altogether,Copy !req
245. two days prior to when I get marriedCopy !req
246. and quit the journalism
business altogether.Copy !req
247. But the Biscuits Braxby brand
is keeping things light.Copy !req
248. Celebs come on my show
because I make 'em look good.Copy !req
249. That access keeps me relevant.Copy !req
250. But to what benefit is your relevanceCopy !req
251. if it's squandered
in the service of public relations?Copy !req
252. With the advent of social media,Copy !req
253. celebs don't need you
to make them look good.Copy !req
254. And if you don't alter your strategy soon,
you'll have no career left to save.Copy !req
255. Face it, chinchilla, you're all wet.Copy !req
256. Well, I...Copy !req
257. Ugh! Even if I wanted to do a hard-hitting
interview, what would I say?Copy !req
258. I've a few ideas...Copy !req
259. - You keep looking over to your manager.
- Well, I...Copy !req
260. - Can we talk about your relationship?
- Princess Carolyn?Copy !req
261. - You dated her for seven years?
- Yes, and look! She's alive.Copy !req
262. Did it ever get complicated,Copy !req
263. working with her while maintaining
a sexual relationship?Copy !req
264. Well, she's always been goodCopy !req
265. at keeping her personal
and professional lives separate.Copy !req
266. - Quite an accomplished woman.
- You said it.Copy !req
267. She was an agent's assistant
when I met herCopy !req
268. and now she's running her own company.
Plus, she's a great mom.Copy !req
269. Oh, fish! Mom!Copy !req
270. - I forgot about Todd's date!
- I can watch Ruthie for a few hours.Copy !req
271. Thank you.Copy !req
272. What can you tell me
about Marcy Jerominek?Copy !req
273. - Who?
- In the '90s, you had a fan club...Copy !req
274. - How do you know all this?
- Do you know where I'm going here?Copy !req
275. Marcy. Yes.
She was the president of my fan club.Copy !req
276. You slept with her.Copy !req
277. We had a lovely evening together.
We both got something out of it, and...Copy !req
278. Did you take a high school girl
to her prom?Copy !req
279. - That was a family friend.
- Did you help a teen momCopy !req
280. sneak out of rehab
and take her to a high school party?Copy !req
281. I didn't take her. We went together.Copy !req
282. Is it true you once dated a womanCopy !req
283. who'd just woken up
from a 30-year coma?Copy !req
284. - Were you attracted to her naiveté, too?
- What does all this have to with...Copy !req
285. You had sex with the president
of your fan club.Copy !req
286. You had sex with your agent's assistant.
You party with underage girls.Copy !req
287. - You don't see a pattern here?
- It's not a pattern.Copy !req
288. - Do you enjoy having power over women?
- I don't even know what that means.Copy !req
289. You don't know what it means
to have power over women?Copy !req
290. I don't have power over anyone.
I barely have power over myself.Copy !req
291. But you do have power over people.
And again and again, you abuse that power.Copy !req
292. All these women that you mentioned,
I never forced myself...Copy !req
293. Not through force,
but you understand the power differential.Copy !req
294. So, I can't be with any woman
I might have power over?Copy !req
295. - Who does that leave me with?
- I'm just pointing out a series of...Copy !req
296. You think everything
is this nefarious scheme.Copy !req
297. Most of the bad shit
that happens in this worldCopy !req
298. isn't because of wicked plots
and machinations.Copy !req
299. It's just because we're all
a bunch of stupid, hungry,Copy !req
300. horny little goons just grabbing at shit,Copy !req
301. hoping it'll press that little button
in our brain that says,Copy !req
302. "Okay, you're happy now."
That's not an "abuse of power."Copy !req
303. Do you really believe you didn't have
the power in all of those relationships?Copy !req
304. I... I am an addict.Copy !req
305. One of the first things that I had
to accept was my own powerlessness.Copy !req
306. - But that's...
- I understand what I did was wrong.Copy !req
307. I'm not denying that.
But you're trying to paint this picture.Copy !req
308. You're making it out like I'm a bad guy,
and I'm not.Copy !req
309. I'm not that guy you're saying I am.Copy !req
310. - So, back to Sarah Lynn...
- No. Why?Copy !req
311. You gave her the heroin...Copy !req
312. I already told you, yes.
How many times can I say it?Copy !req
313. Breaking news! The thing I told you
yesterday is still true.Copy !req
314. - Did you ever give Sarah Lynn alcohol?
- What?Copy !req
315. The first time Sarah Lynn ever got drunk,
she was a child, and it was vodka, right?Copy !req
316. How... how do you know about that?Copy !req
317. You were bringing vodka
to the set of "Horsin' Around."Copy !req
318. Who told you all this stuff?
Did Sharona tell you that?Copy !req
319. Doctor Champ,
thank you for returning my call.Copy !req
320. I didn't wanna say anything,Copy !req
321. but just watching BoJack
in that interview,Copy !req
322. talking like he's a victim in all this.Copy !req
323. If the world only knew the things
I know...Copy !req
324. I understand as a therapist,Copy !req
325. you're not at liberty to divulge
what your client told you in confidence.Copy !req
326. But I'm not a therapist.
I'm a therapy horse.Copy !req
327. And I can tell you everything.Copy !req
328. Oh.Copy !req
329. Because Sharona was a drunk, too,
so you can't trust a thing she says.Copy !req
330. Obviously, she has a vendetta against me.
Besides, I already apologized to her.Copy !req
331. Apologized for what?Copy !req
332. Okay, when you put it all together,
it looks bad.Copy !req
333. Do you see any connection between
those other women and Sarah Lynn?Copy !req
334. There's no connection between anyone,
that's what I keep saying!Copy !req
335. Sarah Lynn wasn't like those other girls.Copy !req
336. I loved Sarah Lynn.
She was like a daughter to me.Copy !req
337. I just keep seeing this story of you
taking young women...Copy !req
338. - No.
- Grooming them...Copy !req
339. I didn't groom anyone, okay?Copy !req
340. It's not like I got Sarah Lynn drunkCopy !req
341. for the purpose
of taking advantage of her.Copy !req
342. She was ten! I didn't even have sex
with her until she was 30!Copy !req
343. - I'm sorry, what?
- No. I just mean that...Copy !req
344. - Did you say you had sex with her?
- That was later. She was an adult.Copy !req
345. And we were both so drunk and high,
I didn't...Copy !req
346. We didn't know what we were doing.Copy !req
347. We were addicts,
and the thing about addicts...Copy !req
348. - This was during your bender?
- Yeah. No! A different bender.Copy !req
349. I took her to rehab, by the way!
I tried to get her help.Copy !req
350. I just keep thinking
about those 17 minutes.Copy !req
351. You waiting in the parking lot
after she died.Copy !req
352. But she wasn't actually dead yet.
She died in the hospital.Copy !req
353. - Right, but at the time, I didn't...
- Ever wonder what would've happenedCopy !req
354. if you didn't take those 17 minutes?
Do you think she might still...Copy !req
355. No! I... Look, obviously
when I did all that stuff, I wasn't...Copy !req
356. So to recap, you gave Sarah Lynn alcohol
when she was a child.Copy !req
357. She then became an addict.Copy !req
358. Come on, there was a lot of stuff
in between...Copy !req
359. I'm talking now. You're not talking.Copy !req
360. When she was intoxicated,
you had sex with her,Copy !req
361. and when she was sober,
you gave her the heroin that killed her.Copy !req
362. Then in an effort to cover for yourself,Copy !req
363. you waited to call the paramedics
that might have saved her life.Copy !req
364. And you don't think
you have any power over women.Copy !req
365. So, it didn't go great.Copy !req
366. The gross part is she doesn't even care.Copy !req
367. This is just a ratings win she can use
as leverage for her next big paycheck.Copy !req
368. - Maybe.
- She was all over the place.Copy !req
369. I think people are gonna see
that she was just out to get me.Copy !req
370. - People are gonna see that, right?
- I guess we'll find out tonight.Copy !req
371. Okay, maybe she had some good points,Copy !req
372. but she completely
undermined herself with, like...Copy !req
373. I mean, we dated for like seven years.Copy !req
374. Do you think that I took advantage of you?Copy !req
375. - I'm here, aren't I?
- And she kept bringing it back to women...Copy !req
376. These "women I hurt"
because that's what's hip now, right?Copy !req
377. Hurting women?
But I have also hurt a lot of men!Copy !req
378. I told you to do just the one interview
and go back to Connecticut.Copy !req
379. But it's gonna be okay, right?Copy !req
380. You wanna grab some tacos?
What do you think?Copy !req
381. I think you have three hours...Copy !req
382. before this interview airs
and your world changes completely.Copy !req
383. You should think about
how you wanna spend that time.Copy !req
384. I'm going home to my daughter.Copy !req
385. - Sonny! It's great to finally meet you.
- Hey.Copy !req
386. - Sonny! Come on!
- Good evening, ma'am.Copy !req
387. Whoa!Copy !req
388. What's this? You made varsity?Copy !req
389. Yeah. Coach moved me up
for the rest of the season.Copy !req
390. - Wow! Congratulations!
- That's amazing! Why didn't you tell me?Copy !req
391. I wanted to wait for the jacket.Copy !req
392. I'm so proud of you, buddy.Copy !req
393. We should get Chicago-style cheese fries
to celebrate.Copy !req
394. - Oh! I'll get...
- I'm getting cheese fries.Copy !req
395. - So... lacrosse.
- What's your deal?Copy !req
396. - What?
- My dad has a thing for broken women.Copy !req
397. Then he nurses them back to health,
and when they're better they leave.Copy !req
398. You gonna leave him?Copy !req
399. - Does your dad think I'm gonna leave him?
- It doesn't matter, because eventuallyCopy !req
400. my mom and dad
are gonna get back together.Copy !req
401. They're still in love.Copy !req
402. - What? No, they hate each other.
- No, they don't.Copy !req
403. - They fight all the time.
- Wha... Really?Copy !req
404. Oh! Whoa!Copy !req
405. - My dad hates my mom?
- Uh... No! Of course not!Copy !req
406. Then why would you say that?
You're so mean!Copy !req
407. I was gone for two minutes!Copy !req
408. Huh.Copy !req
409. Ah.Copy !req
410. Is this anything?Copy !req
411. "My girlfriend was upset
I gave her a CD for Christmas.Copy !req
412. But she gave me VD for Hanukkah!"Copy !req
413. That's nothing.
And possibly anti-Semitic. Hold still.Copy !req
414. Ugh! I am so ready
to never do stand-up again.Copy !req
415. Are you gonna put me
on your TV show or what?Copy !req
416. I'm telling you, the network loves you.Copy !req
417. They just need you to do a screen test.
It's basically a formality.Copy !req
418. - Screen test?
- What, you're too good for it?Copy !req
419. No, it's cool! A screen test! Ha!Copy !req
420. You wanna hit Alma's after the show?
Best tacos in LA.Copy !req
421. - I keep telling you it's Neptune's Net.
- Ugh!Copy !req
422. Malibu is for pretentious,
rich douchebags.Copy !req
423. That's Beverly Hills.Copy !req
424. Malibu is for pretentious
famous douchebags.Copy !req
425. - Hold still so I can finish.
- Finish what?Copy !req
426. Look, you might never get a star
on the Walk of Fame or a wax statue.Copy !req
427. But this way you'll always be immortalized
and undisturbed in Hollywood forever.Copy !req
428. Unless they repaint.Copy !req
429. Anybody from out of town?
It's a trick question, it's LA.Copy !req
430. Everybody's from out of town.Copy !req
431. Most of Los Angeles
isn't even in Los Angeles.Copy !req
432. I mean, Azusa? Excusa?Copy !req
433. Oh, my God.Copy !req
434. - Hey, man. I hated your show.
- What?Copy !req
435. - "Horsin' Around." Hated it.
- Yeah, that's a hell of an opener.Copy !req
436. But my baby brother loved it.Copy !req
437. I'd be in my bedroom, sulkingCopy !req
438. and I'd hear him laughing his ass off
in the living room.Copy !req
439. He had this great laugh.Copy !req
440. Drugs took a lot from him,
but he still had that laugh.Copy !req
441. Right up to the end.Copy !req
442. Now anytime I hear anything about
that show, I hear my brother's laugh.Copy !req
443. - Thanks for that.
- Well, shit. You're welcome.Copy !req
444. Hey, do you wanna go up?Copy !req
445. Oh, man. I...
I haven't done stand-up in years.Copy !req
446. You're famous. They'll get
a kick out of it even if you suck.Copy !req
447. I don't think so.
Thanks, though.Copy !req
448. Oh.Copy !req
449. Mm-mm. No.Copy !req
450. - Hmm. Oh, what about this show?
- Oh, what's it about?Copy !req
451. It's really smart.Copy !req
452. It's about New Orleans and jazz
and Hurricane KatrinaCopy !req
453. and drugs and John Goodman.Copy !req
454. - Sounds exciting.
- It's not!Copy !req
455. Maude? I heard a man's voice!Copy !req
456. - Yeah, Mom, Todd's over!
- Is that a burglar?Copy !req
457. He's my boyfriend! We're gonna watch TV!Copy !req
458. No shows about burglars, though!Copy !req
459. - You got it, Mom!
- And keep the door open.Copy !req
460. - No funny business!
- Okay, Mom.Copy !req
461. Wanna watch the second part
of the BoJack interview?Copy !req
462. I don't know.Copy !req
463. That guy was my best friend
for like five years.Copy !req
464. But not because we have anything
in common.Copy !req
465. I just landed at his house one night.Copy !req
466. You ever get tired of living
at the mercy of whoever happensCopy !req
467. to let you crash on their couch?Copy !req
468. - What do you mean?
- Why don't you get your own place?Copy !req
469. Princess Carolyn doesn't need
a live-in nanny anymore.Copy !req
470. I think I'd get lonely.Copy !req
471. How about this:
what if you had your own place,Copy !req
472. but you shared it with someone?Copy !req
473. - Like a roommate?
- Or a girlfriend.Copy !req
474. But Maude,
you're my girlfriend.Copy !req
475. What am I supposed to do?Copy !req
476. Get a second girlfriend
just to live with?Copy !req
477. - No, I...
- And by the way, you're one to talk.Copy !req
478. - You still live with your mom.
- Yeah, I...Copy !req
479. - Why don't you get your own place?
- Right, that's actually what...Copy !req
480. Wait. I just got an incredible idea!Copy !req
481. Yeah? Because I just had
an incredible idea, too.Copy !req
482. Okay, let's both say our ideas
at the same time.Copy !req
483. One, two, three.Copy !req
484. - Salty gum.
- Ice cream sandwich flavored ice cream.Copy !req
485. Also, we should move in together.Copy !req
486. Oh.Copy !req
487. You know what they don't tell you
about getting sober?Copy !req
488. The hardest part, worse than the DTs
or the looking back at everything you didCopy !req
489. or the constant fear of relapse,Copy !req
490. the hardest part is figuring out
what the hell to drinkCopy !req
491. when you order a meal
at a nice restaurant.Copy !req
492. You expect me to order
the bucatini carbonara at GustoCopy !req
493. and then drink, what, an Arnold Palmer?Copy !req
494. I'm not even a red wine guy, but come on!
"Here's your steak, sir.Copy !req
495. Would you like an ice-cold Dr. Pepper
to go with that?" I mean...Copy !req
496. Are you all right?Copy !req
497. Eh... Hmm.Copy !req
498. I guess what I'm getting at is
I keep hearing you say,Copy !req
499. "That's not me. I've changed."Copy !req
500. But how can we believe
you've stopped this pattern of behaviorCopy !req
501. if you won't acknowledge
this pattern exists?Copy !req
502. I don't even know what pattern
you're talking about.Copy !req
503. I'll try one more time.Copy !req
504. Over these last two nights,
you've drawn us an outline of a person.Copy !req
505. A person who doesn't think about others,
a person who puts his own needs first.Copy !req
506. And over and over, other people get hurt,Copy !req
507. not necessarily because he means
to hurt them,Copy !req
508. but because he just doesn't care.Copy !req
509. This person I'm describing,
is it a different person, or is it you?Copy !req
510. Oh.Copy !req
511. Yeah. It's me.Copy !req