BoJack Horseman 5x5

1. A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES

2. Can't you see? You don't belong here!

3. Destiny has bigger plans for you. Oh, yes.

4. It's the only home I've ever known!

5. You were made for the skies.

6. Why do you think they named you Amelia Earhart?

7. It's because your heart... belongs in the air.

8. It's true, that is my name.

9. - Ah! Boots, leave your sister alone! - She started it!

10. Well, stop it right now or I'll pop the both of you.

11. So, put on those flygirl goggles, get in your biplane and fly to the sun.

12. But a woman's never flown to the sun before.

13. Come on! What other gal's got the get-up-and-go

14. to tame those savage sun beasts and become their queen?

15. How many times have you watched this tape?

16. When you get me a second tape, I'll watch something else.

17. What am I, made of tapes?

18. That's the spirit!

19. I suppose the most effective way to do it is to do it!

20. Hello?

21. How the hell do they expect me to learn five pages of dialogue in one day?

22. - What am I, Young Sheldon? - BoJack—

23. No show should have that much talking. TV is a visual medium.

24. - Anyway, where the hell are you? - Eden, North Carolina.

25. Ugh, North Carolina? That's the second worst of the Carolinas.

26. - You know I'm from here, right? - Yeah, and you got out.

27. You know what "from" means?

28. You don't have to be there anymore. That's why they call it "from."

29. Okay, I'm about to be from this conversation.

30. Wait, wait. I'm sorry. Can we just talk about Mr. Peanutbutter?

31. Why did you cast him on this show? Everybody loves him.

32. I'm the guy everybody's supposed to love. I'm Philbert.

33. - Ugh! - So then I got a food truck for the crew

34. with a big sign that said, "From your favorite star,"

35. but everybody thought it was from Mr. Peanutbutter.

36. They didn't even read the sign.

37. BoJack, I'm gonna be back tomorrow.

38. Do you think you can handle your shit until then?

39. Oh, yeah, that sounds like me. What are you doing there anyway?

40. Just... taking care of some family stuff.

41. Thanks for coming, all this way.

42. - We could've just talked on the phone. - I wanted to meet you in person.

43. That's the Princess Carolyn difference.

44. Ooh! I've never met a person who had a difference named after them before.

45. Well, this is important. We're here to talk about your baby.

46. I know what you're thinking; another dumb teenager,

47. so liquored up, she forgot to make sure her boyfriend wrapped his tweedle.

48. Well, that's all true, but I'm not some backwoods hick.

49. - Oh! - I'm 18, I got my whole life ahead of me,

50. and it's not like my boyfriend's begging me to marry him.

51. Boyfriends rarely do.

52. - His name's Strib, short for Dennis. - Uh, sure.

53. He's not exactly the romantic type,

54. but he's got those eyes you just can't say no to, you know?

55. I hope you and Strib have many happy child-free years, together.

56. I'm willing to do whatever I can to help contribute to the child-free part.

57. - Hmm. - [phone buzzing, meowing]

58. Oh, sorry. It's work.

59. Everyone I work with is such a baby.

60. And I love babies!

61. Hello, baby.

62. Hey, listen, I know Flip just wants me to be "the woman",

63. and keep my mouth shut, but this show makes no sense.

64. In the rooftop motorcycle scene, Fritz and Philbert keep saying,

65. "This is so dangerous." "Yeah, man. We're really dangerous."

66. But then they just get off the motorcycles.

67. Why aren't they skidding towards the side of the building,

68. and then they roll off just as their bikes go careening over the edge?

69. Okay, sure, pitch it to Flip.

70. Everything I pitch, he shoots down.

71. That's just because it's coming from someone who isn't him.

72. If you want him to like your idea,

73. just convince him he thought of it, himself.

74. You really think he'll do it because I say it's his idea?

75. That's a great idea, Diane.

76. Oh, thanks! I'm gonna do it.

77. - So sorry. - No problem.

78. Um, just so you know, I have met with some other candidates, mostly couples.

79. Oh.

80. I couldn't believe I found someone who grew up in Eden.

81. - When's the last time you were here? - Oh, not since my mother died.

82. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It was a long time ago.

83. - She's still dead, though. - That is true.

84. - Sorry we had to meet at Phuzzy's. - I love Phuzzy's.

85. I bet you got fancy restaurants in LA, huh?

86. Probably a California Pizza Kitchen on every corner.

87. Or do y'all call it "Pizza Kitchen," since you're in California?

88. No, we call it "California Pizza Kitchen," or "CPK."

89. CPK? What kind of city person's too busy to say "California Pizza Kitchen"?

90. You gotta catch a bus or something? Stay a while and say the whole name.

91. Yeah, yeah, well, I'm not like that.

92. I live in Los Angeles now, but you know what they say,

93. you can take the girl

94. out of the Greensboro-High Point metropolitan area, but you can't take

95. the Greensboro-High Point metropolitan area out of the girl.

96. I wish my boyfriend would've taken his penis out of the girl.

97. - Meaning, I wish he would've pulled out. - Yeah, no, I got it.

98. Thank you.

99. Ooh, have I missed this!

100. I'm gonna eat the shit out of these hush puppies,

101. and then tomorrow, I'm getting a real sausage biscuit,

102. meaning a sausage patty,

103. not that bullshit link situation they call "sausage" in LA.

104. Oh, my goodness, I gotta pee. I'll be right back.

105. - Hello? - Princess Carolyn!

106. I just wanted to tell you what a ball I'm having on this crazy cop show.

107. Glad to hear it.

108. And my favorite star paid for a food truck.

109. I don't know why Peter Scolari is buying me a falafel plate,

110. but, hey, I'm not complaining.

111. - Did you have a question? - Yeah.

112. So, I know my ex-wife is in the writers' room.

113. I don't want to make things weird for her or anybody else, so...

114. do I have to do all the dialogue, as scripted,

115. or can I have a little fun with it?

116. - Um— - Normally, I wouldn't even ask,

117. but because of the whole ex-wife of it all,

118. I figured I should just double-check that it's definitely okay

119. if I change every single word.

120. Knowing Flip, I would just stick to the script.

121. So, don't flip the script?

122. - Exactly. Don't flip Flip's script. - That's a double-flip.

123. So, you're saying I should flip it?

124. I'm saying the exact opposite.

125. - So, flip it. Flip it good. - Okay, I gotta go.

126. You're very funny and talented. Goodbye. Sorry. Show folk.

127. Well, this was a pleasure. Thanks for coming all this way.

128. I do hope to make a decision soon.

129. - Oh, you have to leave already? - Yeah, I gotta go set up my booth.

130. - Your booth? - At the flea market.

131. I sell clothes I bought cheap and then bedazzled.

132. I'm not saying I'm the Danville Target or nothing,

133. but it's good enough for fleas.

134. Okay, call me if you have any other questions.

135. I always answer my phone, day or night.

136. Thanks.

137. Your mom's drunk again, isn't she?

138. My mom, well, obviously she was planning on cleaning the floors,

139. but I asked her if I could do it.

140. I wanna learn all the tricks of the trade, so one day,

141. I can be as good a housekeeper as she is.

142. Why do you still live here?

143. Why don't you go live with your dad down in Raleigh?

144. All my sisters and brothers are gone.

145. If I leave, my mom's got nobody.

146. Besides, if I go, who's going to keep you out of trouble?

147. Did you know I'm on the football team?

148. I do know it. Are you ever gonna play?

149. Probably not, smart-ass.

150. Not unless the first-string quarterback gets hurt.

151. Why aren't you the first-string quarterback?

152. You're not even first-string housekeeper!

153. Well, how about I first-string punch you in the nose?

154. Oh! Okay, easy, easy.

155. Look, I think if I just keep my head down and be patient,

156. Coach will eventually realize I should be QB one, you know?

157. That's a terrible approach.

158. You need to go after what you want.

159. You gotta fly into that sun, like Amelia Earhart did.

160. - What? - You know, like in the movie.

161. I never knew anybody who liked old movies as much as you do.

162. You're 18. You never knew anybody, period.

163. Okay, okay.

164. But what if I'm not as good a quarterback as I think I am?

165. Doesn't matter. You don't need to be good enough.

166. You just need to convince your coach you're good enough.

167. Damn! You know what?

168. - I'll talk to him tomorrow. - Don't leave until you get that yes.

169. - Oh!

170. - Sadie, wait! - Oh. Um, hey.

171. Listen, I really want to spend more time getting to know each other.

172. This baby, your baby, means everything to me.

173. I think the more time we spend together,

174. - you'll realize I'm—

175. - Do you need to take that? - No, it's fine. The perfect candidate.

176. I thought you always answered your phone, day or night.

177. Right. Hello?

178. I just got off the phone with Flip.

179. He's really excited about this new motorcycle stunt he came up with.

180. - He wants to do it tomorrow, but— - That's Flip, full of ideas. Gotta go.

181. Well, the show is already way over budget and my boss is starting to ask questions.

182. Now, normally, I love questions because they're good for pondering,

183. but I guess in the corporate world,

184. when people ask questions, they expect someone to answer them.

185. And, apparently, "Yeah, wow, it really makes you think,"

186. is not the kind of answer they're looking for.

187. Goodbye, Todd.

188. - Wait, one more thing. - What?

189. Do you think Lake Erie ever gets jealous of Lake Superior?

190. Or is it, like, proud to be the eerie one?

191. We've been through this, Todd. Lakes don't have emotions.

192. What about Ricki Lake?

193. As I was saying, I'd love to spend more time together, if you're up for it.

194. You mentioned the flea market. I'd love to check it out.

195. - Yeah, come by anytime tomorrow. - I thought it was today.

196. No, no. I just have to prep for it today.

197. But if you can stay another day, that would be awesome.

198. But only if you can. I know you're busy.

199. I don't want me, or my baby, to get in the way of your career.

200. Sadie, I'll be there.

201. Stuart, I need you to change my flight. No, just do it through the website.

202. Yeah, no, go to the website and put in my confirmation number.

203. Hold on, let me see if I can find it.

204. It's 5-2-1-8.

205. Change it to a Wednesday flight.

206. No. Oh, okay, click "yes." Click "yes."

207. Okay, put in my credit card info.

208. - I'll text you a picture.

209. - Okay, did you get it?

210. Check your work email.

211. Okay, click "accept." Now forward me the confirmation.

212. Thank you, Stuart. I don't know what I'd do without you.

213. Ow!

214. - Hey. - Hey, yourself.

215. Well, you've been up to something.

216. I'm up to something, all right. It's called first-string quarterback!

217. - Really?

218. - I didn't leave until I got the yes. - Oh, congratulations! Ah!

219. - Oh! - Oops.

220. - Sorry. I got a little carried away there. - That's okay.

221. - Sorry. Sorry. - That's okay.

222. By Jove, she's doing it! She's flying to the sun!

223. That's where she's going.

224. Now we don't need to be sad when we think about her, later.

225. - I'd be careful if I were you. - What do you mean?

226. Think I don't know what's going on?

227. - Mom. - Let me tell you something.

228. Life is a big ol' roulette wheel.

229. Everyone's got a number. Some are winners, some aren't.

230. It all depends where the little white ball lands.

231. The problem is when people with losing numbers think they're winners.

232. I don't know what you're talking about.

233. - Then what the hell are these? - College brochures. I—

234. You think you're going to some fancy college in California,

235. all the way on the other side of the country from your mother?

236. - You're gonna abandon me? - Mom, it's not about you.

237. UCLA? No, you will not see LA.

238. Even if you get into one of these places, how're you gonna pay for it?

239. I'll get a job or a paid internship.

240. Well, la-di-da, I did not realize I was in the presence of someone,

241. - who was gonna get a paid internship. - Mom, you need to go to bed.

242. See, that's the difference between you and me, Princess Carolyn.

243. I know where I belong. This is my bed.

244. No, it's not. Where's my bed?

245. - [phone buzzing, meowing] - [mom, distorted] I know where I belong.

246. - Hello? - I thought you were gonna be here today.

247. - Where are you? - Something came up.

248. Okay, well, listen, Mr. Peanutbutter's doing all his own stunts,

249. and every time he does a dumb little somersault,

250. everybody goes nuts like he's goddamn Kerri Strug.

251. Kerri Strug? You gotta update your references.

252. When the world sees the likes of Kerri Strug, again,

253. I will adjust accordingly.

254. Anyway, I said I wanted to do my own stunts, too,

255. but little did I know that Flip was writing a new scene,

256. where a motorcycle falls off a five-story building.

257. Just say you don't want to do it.

258. I cannot do that because I already fired my stunt double,

259. so I also need you to call him and get him back,

260. and that might be tricky, 'cause I was really brutal about it.

261. - Why? - Because people were watching.

262. Now I need you to intervene and forbid me from doing my own stunts,

263. even though I want to, because I actually don't want to,

264. because that would require me to be in good shape, which we know I'm not,

265. and also not a coward, which we both know I am.

266. - BoJack— - Also, if you could say

267. it's because I'm too important a star to take the risk on,

268. but Mr. Peanutbutter can keep doing his stunts

269. because he is less important; that would be real cool, thanks.

270. Fine, I'll handle it!

271. Just stop whining like a little bitch!

272. Okay, love you, bitch!

273. - Hey, girl!

274. Hey! I'm so glad you came. This is my stuff.

275. - I call it Made-y by Sadie. - Wow!

276. Problem is got a bunch of lookie-loos.

277. Everyone's browsing, but no one's buying.

278. It's not about people buying. it's about you selling.

279. Watch this.

280. Whoa! Hey, you can't get that jacket.

281. - Why not? - I was gonna get it.

282. It's the best thing in this whole place and I saw it first.

283. So, why don't you make like yourself and flee?

284. I got it now. Maybe I'm gonna buy it.

285. - Five dollars.

286. Oh, my God!

287. Sadie, you can sell anything,

288. if you just sell people the idea that they're not being sold to.

289. Wow! That's pretty manipulative.

290. But I didn't need to because your clothing sells itself.

291. Hey, I guess you're right.

292. My back aches.

293. - I gotta sit down. - Oh!

294. - Here.

295. Smart move adopting.

296. Let someone else do all the work, right?

297. Girl, you do not wanna be pregnant.

298. Ugh! What am I gonna do?

299. My life's over.

300. No! Are you kidding? This is a good thing.

301. - That boy's stuck with you, now. - Stuck with me?

302. No, good stuck, like when you try on

303. your friend's fancy ring and it won't come off.

304. Now you got a free ring.

305. You know, Evelyn still expects you to give that ring back.

306. That sounds like an Evelyn problem.

307. Meanwhile, that little white roulette ball just landed on your number.

308. You know the Wallaces are good people.

309. - They're gonna do right by you.

310. No, don't cry. Look.

311. They're gonna have you move into the big house,

312. probably in the big room.

313. You know, the one with all the dolls.

314. And I'll be right up here whenever you need me.

315. Hey, I wanna give you this.

316. Did you steal this from Evelyn, too?

317. Your... grammy gave me this necklace when I first got pregnant.

318. It's been in our family for generations.

319. It's from the old country.

320. And when you wear this,

321. I want you to remember that you've come from a long line of women,

322. who've taken our licks, but we always land on our feet.

323. - Don't we?

324. Now listen to me. This is our shot.

325. - Don't blow it, okay? Okay.

326. Princess Carolyn?

327. - Yeah. - Would you want to meet my family?

328. - Of course. - There's a potluck at the church, tonight.

329. - I love a church potluck! - Oh! What church do you go to in LA?

330. Oh, uh, St. Mary's Good Shepherd of the Lady... of the Passion...

331. of the Constant Gardener... of Latter-Day Belle and Sebastian.

332. You got time for that, but you can't say "California Pizza Kitchen"?

333. I love church and I love the Lord.

334. God is my back-door pilot.

335. I wish Strib was a back-door pilot.

336. Maybe then I wouldn't be pregnant.

337. Anal sex. - Got it.

338. That's my mom. That woman's been banged more times than a screen door

339. during hurricane season.

340. - Oh! - But I love her.

341. That's my sister Tanya.

342. Thinks she's so smart.

343. If you're so smart, Tanya,

344. why do you live on a dry-docked pontoon boat?

345. - Good one! - She's got a great heart.

346. And, finally, the cousins. I've slept with all of them.

347. - Wow! - I'm just kidding.

348. - I'm from North Carolina, not Tennessee.

349. Hope you like ambrosia, since everyone brought the exact same dish; ambrosia.

350. Ah, it's beautiful out here.

351. Look at all those stars!

352. - You don't have stars in LA? - Not like these.

353. Too much light pollution.

354. And heavy pollution.

355. My dad's ready to see you.

356. - We better not.

357. Oh, I gotta tell you, when my idiot son told me he'd knocked up the help, I...

358. Let me try that again.

359. Princess Carolyn, we're going to do the right thing, here.

360. You'll have a lovely wedding before you start to show.

361. If it's a girl, we'll name her Dorothy after my mother.

362. Of course, if it's a boy, he'll be the third Cooper Thomas Rogers Wallace,

363. so you'll call him Cooper III, or Cooper Three, Trip, Trey or Lil' Coop.

364. You'll join the Junior League, maybe sing in the Follies.

365. Mrs. Wallace will teach you how to play bridge

366. and destroy other families' social status through indelicate gossip.

367. - Oh... - We'll go to Hilton Head every summer

368. and take a photo of all of us on the beach wearing khaki and white.

369. This will be our Christmas card.

370. Inside, it will say "Merry Merry" or "Seasons Greetings,"

371. so as not to alienate our friends of other faiths,

372. but we'll know it's Christmas.

373. Princess Carolyn, I know you're scared,

374. but I promise you, you've got a great life ahead of you.

375. No worries, no tough choices and no money troubles,

376. thanks to the Wallace and Sons Answering Machine Tape empire.

377. Yes, as long as people need answering machine tapes, you will be taken care of.

378. - Sound good? - Yes.

379. Ah, ah, ah. Wait for the beep.

380. Sound good? Beep!

381. - Yes, sir. - [phone buzzing, meowing]

382. Hello?

383. Princess Carolyn, there's been an accident.

384. BoJack's hurt real bad.

385. Ow! I'm in so much pain.

386. I'm like Kerri Strug over here.

387. Where's my big Russian guy?

388. What happened?

389. - He fell off a building is what happened. - Oh!

390. Are you okay?

391. I mean, I know you're not okay, okay, but you're okay, right?

392. Why did you let him do his own stunts?

393. - That was today? - Of course it was today.

394. I put a sticky on your day page at our sister site

395. WhatDatelsltRightNow.net.

396. - Oh! - Do you even check your day page?

397. Every part of me hurts. Sartre was wrong.

398. Physical pain is so much worse than prolonged emotional distress.

399. What a hack!

400. We're supposed to be shooting, all week. You're behind schedule and over budget.

401. I'm sending you the number of a specialist.

402. He can fix BoJack up and inject him full of enough pep

403. to keep things together until end of production.

404. - Sadie! No, no, no, no, Strib!

405. Go away!

406. - So I call this number—

407. Strib, what are you doing here?

408. I mean, I guess I was wrong, maybe. Maybe you don't give the baby away.

409. Like, maybe keep it. I mean, I guess I could marry you.

410. Have a family and stuff. I don't know!

411. A grand gesture? This is like a fairy tale!

412. Strib, I can't do this again.

413. - Come on. I love you or whatever. - Go to him, Sadie. He loves you.

414. Don't listen to her, Sadie. She lives in a pontoon boat.

415. Y'all gonna be beggin' for a ride when the flood comes.

416. - Oh, my God. - Somebody gotta get him outta here.

417. - Hey! Sadie? Sadie.

418. You blew it! We were this close, and you blew it.

419. Mom. - What the hell happened?

420. You eat a pineapple or something? Put something up there you shouldn't have?

421. No. It just— I don't know, it just happened.

422. Miscarriages don't "just happen." This was our ticket.

423. That baby would've changed everything for us.

424. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

425. It's not your fault.

426. We just got losing numbers.

427. Well, maybe Cooper will marry me, anyway?

428. Oh, sweetie, you've been watching too many of those old movies.

429. Coopers don't marry gals like you.

430. He's gonna end up with some fancy heiress, like Samantha Floppy-Disk.

431. Besides, you don't want that life.

432. - You're free now. - Free to do what?

433. I wasn't gonna tell you, but this came in the mail.

434. - Hello? - I guess you heard about BoJack?

435. - Yeah. - This is all my fault.

436. I thought the stunt was Flip's idea.

437. Well, no, I just convinced him it was his idea.

438. That's not what I heard. I heard it was Flip's idea.

439. - Right, but that's just— - It was Flip's idea.

440. How are you not getting this?

441. Do you only seem smart because you wear glasses?

442. Okay, it was Flip's idea.

443. Great. I'll see you tomorrow.

444. - Hey. - Hey.

445. Listen, I've known me some Stribs. A little sweet, a little dangerous.

446. But the second things get complicated, he'll run away.

447. - You don't know my Strib. - But I know you. And you are too special

448. to settle for the first guy who rolls up on a motorcycle

449. and says, "I love you or whatever."

450. Well, I haven't decided what I'm gonna do yet anyway.

451. You're a bright girl, and you've got an incredible future.

452. Let me ask you something. Did you really like the clothes I made?

453. Of course I did.

454. Then why didn't you buy anything for yourself?

455. - Sadie... - You're bullshitting me.

456. - This is just another sale for you. - No.

457. You think I'm stupid, but I've been watching you bullshit,

458. everyone on that phone of yours.

459. I want to give your baby the best life, the best schools, the best opportunities—

460. You think, because you left her, you're better.

461. Because of your fancy show business, you can take whatever you want.

462. - No, no, no, you don't understand. - Well, I got something you can't have,

463. and no amount of your managing or producing is gonna change that.

464. I just want to help you. I want to give your baby a better life.

465. Better than what?

466. Better than a sky fulla stars?

467. Okay, Sadie, you do whatever you want.

468. You want to keep the baby,

469. you want to give the baby to someone else, fine.

470. Just do, what you want to do.

471. Don't live your life for Strib, or this baby, or anybody else.

472. - I know that. - Okay. Good.

473. - Thank you. - I mean it.

474. - [phone buzzing, meowing] - Hello?

475. So, I just got the word from Sadie.

476. - She's gonna keep looking. - Okay.

477. Ugh! I'm sorry. This is the hardest part of my job,

478. when I have to lie to the clients and tell them it's not their fault.

479. - Thank you, Tracy. - It's not your fault.

480. - Goodbye, Tracy.

481. BoJack, I am so sorry. This was all my fault.

482. Uh, it's your fault I feel amazing?

483. I don't know what that doctor gave me,

484. but, man, you should leave town more often.

485. Hey, quick question... is this a train?

486. I'm on my way home.

487. I'll come check on you as soon as I get there.

488. Hey, I'm golden. Let me tell you.

489. You accidentally drive a motorcycle off a building,

490. and suddenly you are everybody's favorite guy.

491. We did it, Princess Carolyn. Back on top!

492. Flight 29 to Los Angeles, say your goodbyes.

493. - This is the final call for boarding.

494. Okay. Bye, Mom. Ooh!

495. Hey, I got a nutty idea. What if you deferred for a year?

496. Mom, I-I can't do that.

497. Of course you could. Los Angeles isn't going nowhere.

498. Just another year.

499. By that time, Boots will be out of rehab, and he can come home, and help out.

500. - Just wait until then. - Mom, please.

501. A year. You'll hardly notice it.

502. - No, Mom. I gotta go. - Please?

503. Can't you just do this one thing for me?

504. I'm sorry, Mom.