BoJack Horseman 5x4

1. - Sir, please get back into your car. - Here's how it's gonna go down.

2. You're gonna let me go.

3. If you're lucky, I might even honk your... boobies!

4. Whoa! Hey! Hey!

5. - for assaulting a police officer. - You're arresting me?

6. You must be new here, on the rag, or both.

7. I'm movie star Vance Waggoner, and I hate Jews!

8. This is the Deep Dive!

9. My guest today recently said some things, or did some things?

10. I only read the headline. Vance, what happened?

11. First of all, I don't hate Jews.

12. If I did, would I be able to sit in the same room

13. as my good friend Mark Feuerstein, a Jew?

14. You know, when I first heard Vance's comments, they stung,

15. but when he called to offer his apology and a supporting role in his next movie,

16. I thought, "Does not the Torah teach us to forgive?"

17. As it is written, "schmear, don't smear."

18. Hey! Good to see you. Thanks for coming, everyone!

19. Hey! Hey, Vance, did you get practice swinging that baseball bat

20. from the time you hit that prostitute, with a baseball bat?

21. What? Who told you that?

22. I'm Tom Jumbo-Grumbo, and this is Gotcha!

23. Vance Waggoner, you hit a woman with a baseball bat.

24. What's your side of the story?

25. Okay, look, when that altercation occurred,

26. I was an immature child... of 38. I'm not that guy anymore.

27. Vance Waggoner respects women.

28. We have a tape of a voicemail you left for your 14-year-old daughter.

29. - Oh, God. - Let's give it a listen, shall we?

30. - I'll murder you.

31. I'm going to murder my daughter. I don't respect women.

32. You're out there, hanging out with your dirty Swedish friends.

33. That's right, I hate Swedes now.

34. I bet you didn't see that coming,

35. - you disgusting slut, who is my daughter!

36. As we say here on Gotcha, that's a gotcha.

37. Why did I go on a show called Gotcha?

38. I stand here with my wife beside me, and my daughter,

39. and my good friend Stellan Skarsgård.

40. - I am retiring from public life.

41. This is the last you'll see of Vance Waggoner.

42. Who are we gonna get to play Philbert's partner?

43. We need a bad boy. Someone dangerous,

44. someone you see coming and think, "This guy is trouble."

45. You know who would be perfect?

46. - Thank you so much for meeting me. - Of course.

47. I know how busy you are.

48. The Apology Tour can be a hassle, but you've been handling it perfectly.

49. What do you have lined up next?

50. Well, I'm getting the lifetime achievement at the We Forgive You Awards.

51. You're getting a Forgivie? Damn, your publicist is good.

52. I don't care about awards. I just want to work, damn it.

53. You just have to remind them how good you are.

54. Maybe by taking a meaty role on my gritty, prestige television show Philbert.

55. Once word gets out that it's okay to hire you again,

56. all the other offers will come rolling in. Producers are like lemmings.

57. - Hey, I resent that! - Me, too!

58. - I also resent that. To the cliff! - Yeah, let's go.

59. I have a great deal of love and respect for the lemming community!

60. Okay, I'm in.

61. Diane, can you believe this?

62. Vance Waggoner is getting a We Forgive You Award!

63. Ugh! This town is full of hypocrites.

64. They act all shocked when one of their favorite stars turns out to be a dirtbag,

65. but they can't wait to give a comeback to all the dirtbags we already know about.

66. Now, that is the kind of story I would share without reading,

67. which, for our purposes, is even better than people reading.

68. Go to the awards show,

69. take down that skeevy so-and-so,

70. and then during commercial breaks, get in some Hollywoo hobnobbing.

71. - Oh, I'd rather not. - Diane, you have to hobnob.

72. Have you not been hobnobbing? Hob that nob, girl!

73. We know how this ends. Our core readership eats it up,

74. a bunch of dude-bros call me a "dumb slunt,"

75. and Vance's career chugs, right along.

76. So, stellar! And while you're there, you can ask your friend BoJack,

77. why Vance is gonna co-star on his new TV show.

78. He's what? Oop! Aaaah!

79. Greetings, from the red carpet!

80. Filling in for a Mario Lopez-type, 'tis I, Mr. Peanutbutter!

81. - And lookie here!

82. Super-producer and also my manager, Princess Carolyn!

83. Who are you wearing

84. and why haven't you called, about the Dog Day Afternoon reboot?

85. - Uh... - It's cool. We can talk.

86. - They cut around stuff they don't need. - Oh, okay.

87. No one understands how to make a woman feel beautiful like Louis Kitton.

88. Listen, kid. Dog Day Afternoon isn't gonna happen for you.

89. - People don't see you as the tough guy. - That's not fair.

90. Who are you excited to see tonight?

91. So many amazing stars are being forgiven tonight.

92. Megyn Kelly, Mark Wahlberg...

93. Look, every actor has a range,

94. and maybe a gritty drama about a tough-guy bank robber

95. is too much of a stretch for you.

96. So, I'm not tough enough, huh?

97. I'll show them how tough I can be.

98. We'll be back with more of the Red Carpet Pre-Show Fashion-Stravaganza,

99. so don't touch that remote... or else.

100. There is no one this town loves forgiving more than Vance Waggoner.

101. I just don't get why you're doing this.

102. - We need a big star, Diane. - No, Diane's right.

103. - I'm the big star. - That's not my point.

104. You can't have two stars.

105. All the greatest detective shows are focused around a central,

106. usually titular character.

107. Kojak, Monk, Nickis.

108. - Who's Nickis? - You know, Nickis.

109. Sometimes, he goes to Los Angeles, to New Orleans...

110. Are you...? Do you mean NCIS?

111. No.

112. Princess Carolyn, if you hire this guy, what kind of message does that send?

113. Diane, we both know the industry is screwed up.

114. I'm not talking to the industry. I'm talking to you.

115. - Take some responsibility. - Excuse me?

116. Hey! Cheese plate!

117. Vance Waggoner!

118. - Ugh!

119. Horseman forcefully forgoes applause for Vance at Forgivies!

120. Is a feud forming on the Philbert front?

121. That's the buzz around town, and the question on everybody's mind is,

122. "Why the strong face?"

123. He made the face in protest because of what Vance said about native Alaskans.

124. BoJack's clearly upset about the time Vance Waggoner

125. said the Madrid train bombings were "a real mixed bag."

126. Remember when Vance locked that shopgirl in a hotel room

127. and said, "I've got pizzazz" while masturbating into a champagne flute?

128. Because BoJack remembers.

129. God damn it! The whole point of the award was to put the past behind me.

130. But now, because of this idiot's dumb face,

131. my past is all anyone's talking about!

132. Everyone else was clapping. Why couldn't you clap?

133. Hey, man, awards show should've had better cheese.

134. - My publicist is furious, by the way. - Ooh, spooky publicist!

135. Hope she doesn't papercut me with her mad press release.

136. We're gonna handle this.

137. BoJack will go on TV and explain this unfortunate faux pas du fromage.

138. - Won't you, BoJack? - Ugh. Fine.

139. Once again, hero BoJack will clean up everyone else's mess.

140. - Hello, Todd. - Ooh!

141. Did you notice how I just walked in without knocking? Pretty tough, huh?

142. Not at all!

143. To me, it read as amiable and familiar,

144. like our friendship has an assumed "open door" policy.

145. God damn it! Owie!

146. Apparently, Hollywoo producers don't think I'm tough enough

147. to play the bad boy parts.

148. - Oh, no! - Todd, you're the toughest guy I know.

149. - Will you teach me how to be tough? - I thought you'd never ask.

150. Because I had no idea this was happening to you.

151. BoJack, clear the air. Why'd you give Vance the face?

152. Well, there was this cheese—

153. And you're lactose intolerant,

154. which reminded you that Vance lacks tolerance?

155. No, it—

156. The cheese stands alone,

157. but no woman should stand alone, when standing up to sexual harassment?

158. - Squawk! - No, it wasn't any of those things!

159. So, you're saying it wasn't any one thing, more of an accumulation?

160. - It— - BoJack, it is really incredible,

161. your taking a stand against your co-star.

162. - No, I'm not taking any stand— - I mean, the guy choked his wife,

163. and most of Hollywoo is, like, "No biggie. Good for him!"

164. - Squawk! - Okay, well, obviously it's not good

165. he choked his wife.

166. - Wow! - [cheering, applause]

167. No, no, no! I wasn't trying to make some bold statement or anything.

168. It's just that... choking your wife is bad.

169. Really?

170. Okay.

171. Can I just tell you how amazing it is to hear a man say that?

172. Well, Paloma, someone needed to take a stand.

173. Call me crazy. I mean, this is just old BoJack talking,

174. - but how about we don't choke any women?

175. So true, right? Don't choke women!

176. Don't choke women!

177. BoJack is right.

178. Hollywoo shouldn't legitimize abusers,

179. by allowing them to star in movies and TV shows,

180. that play off their problematic personas!

181. Hollywoo shouldn't legitimize abusers

182. by allowing them to star in movies and TV shows

183. that play off their problematic personas!

184. - All right! - Squawk!

185. And speaking of battering women,

186. right after the break, we'll show you how to make the perfect blueberry pancake.

187. - With proud feminist, BoJack Horseman. - Stick around!

188. And don't choke women!

189. How is it you consistently do the opposite of the thing I need you to do?

190. I don't know, Princess Carolyn.

191. Is it possible, this whole time,

192. I've been an amazing feminist hero, and nobody knew it?

193. - BoJack! - Feels pretty right.

194. Yeah, I'm a male feminist. You're welcome, society.

195. - I gotta call Vance. - Okay.

196. I'm just gonna stay here, being woke.

197. Vance! Listen, BoJack's been very dehydrated.

198. No, no, no. You can't use the old "dehydration made him stupid" trick on me.

199. Okay? I'm Mr. Dehydration-Made-Me-Stupid.

200. BoJack really wants to work with you. He just got caught up—

201. Doesn't matter. I'm not doing the show.

202. - What? - You were right.

203. All it took was one offer.

204. Once word got out I was doing Philbert, all the other offers started pouring in.

205. You signed a contract!

206. Oh, please. I sexted a 12-year-old and still got a Humanitas Prize.

207. You think I can't get out of a contract, with a time website?

208. By the way, still very sorry about sexting that 12-year-old.

209. Oh-hh!

210. Hey, Princess Carolyn, you ever notice how, as a woman,

211. you only make ten cents for every dollar your clients make?

212. - Really makes you think, huh? - BoJack, I was wrong, you were right.

213. Let's take that asshole down.

214. So, now, you wanna take him down

215. Now, that he's not doing your TV show, anymore?

216. Diane, don't be cynical.

217. - I'm cynical? - What do you want me to say?

218. I got blinded by my desire to see myself succeed,

219. which, since I'm a woman, is actually very feminist.

220. But now that Vance can't help me succeed,

221. I realize the more feminist thing to do is to make sure he doesn't succeed either.

222. - I'm cynical? - I'm offering an olive branch, here.

223. Look, this town loves assholes like Vance. There's nothing we can do.

224. This town is as wishy-washy as a virgin on prom night.

225. All they need to listen to women is the right voice— a man's voice.

226. Oh!

227. - Is that why I'm here? - Yep. I brought you two together

228. because between your feminist brain and your stupid manly face,

229. you can actually say things that people will listen to.

230. That's a good point. People do listen to me all the time.

231. One time I tweeted "RIP David Bowie," and now everyone still thinks he's dead.

232. - David Bowie is dead. - Wait, for real? Oh, man.

233. So, through BoJack, I can say whatever I want, to a huge audience,

234. without being called "shrill," or "naggy," or "classic Diane."

235. Yeah. Everyone loves a male feminist.

236. It turns out, the problem with feminism, all along,

237. is it just wasn't men doing it.

238. We're much less shrill.

239. Yeah, this is truly a great day for women everywhere.

240. Okay, how do I make people think I'm a tough bad boy,

241. who doesn't give a care about society's precious rules?

242. Every time Vance Waggoner breaks the rules,

243. - it gets caught on camera. - That's it!

244. We just need some video evidence of me being tough!

245. Here, record this.

246. Ooooh!

247. - Hey, got one for me, toughie? - Sorry, bud.

248. Not yet, you're not.

249. But you can bet your candy ass you're gonna be.

250. Ooh! What the—?

251. What do you say to that?

252. - Thank you. So much. - Huh?

253. Two weeks ago, we buried my father. Lung cancer.

254. My baby girl made me promise I'd quit smoking,

255. but I've been sneaking these suicide sticks this entire time.

256. No more. That was my last cigarette.

257. - Thank you, you sweet, sweet soul.

258. Mm-wah!

259. You are truly a kind and approachable character.

260. And tough?

261. Tough not to love, you big galoot!

262. - Oh, banana bread!

263. - Okay, just...

264. Okay, so, pop culture inherently normalizes things,

265. and that power works both ways.

266. It can normalize things for good,

267. like how dancing Ellen makes middle America less afraid of gay people.

268. But it can also normalize things for bad,

269. like what Jack Bauer did for torture, or what Jimmy Fallon did for lip-syncing.

270. So, when we give a platform to known abusers like Vance Waggoner,

271. that's an example of...?

272. Normalizing things for...?

273. - Good or bad? - I'm sorry.

274. I know you're trying really hard not to be boring,

275. and it's kind of not boring,

276. but it still mostly feels like I'm being lectured at.

277. - Okay, well— - Hold on.

278. Let me imagine that I'm saying it. You know what, that's a little better.

279. Well, the bar for men is depressingly low.

280. Just sprinkle in a few words like "intersectionality" or "micro-aggressions"

281. and Vice News will name you Feminist of the Year.

282. Oh, should I wear a T-shirt that says "Feminism is Bae"?

283. Girls love shit like that, right?

284. Sounds great, BoJack.

285. - Hello, Diane. How did you get in my car?

286. - You left it unlocked. - It's a Prius. It locks automatically.

287. Priuses unlock automatically.

288. You still need to lock it when you get out.

289. - Really? - I know you and your little Scooby gang

290. are plotting something against my client, and I want you to stop.

291. Ugh! Of course that dirtbag would hire Ana Spanakopita.

292. Vance has a troubled past. All he's asking for is a fresh start.

293. - No. Why does he get that over and over? - He's reformed.

294. What else would you have him do?

295. Let's say, you can make him do anything you want to make things right.

296. What would you make Vance Waggoner do, now?

297. Nothing. I don't think he can make things right.

298. Well, then, what do you hope to accomplish, here?

299. Can't you just admit to me,

300. just between the two of us, that this sucks?

301. You can say it's your job, that you believe in "forgiveness," whatever,

302. but don't you at least a little bit think

303. that when we let guys like Vance off the hook...

304. - Diane. - ... when you, as a woman,

305. give awful men the cover of your friendship,

306. when you work for them. First of all,

307. they're not gonna get better. Second of all, you are then complicit...

308. no, you're culpable for the terrible things they do.

309. Are you done?

310. Just, woman to woman, can't you admit this is screwed up?

311. You've given me a lot to think about.

312. Oh...!

313. So, in conclusion, is Smurfette a feminist icon?

314. I think the better question is, why does she have to be?

315. We've gotten a little off track, here. We were talking about Vance Waggoner.

316. Oh, yeah!

317. We actually have a tape of a press conference Vance gave, earlier today.

318. - What? - And he mentioned you in it.

319. Oh, no, is this a Gotcha? Am I the gotcha?

320. Let's see what he had to say.

321. I have an important announcement.

322. - I... am a feminist, too.

323. That's why I had to walk away from BoJack Horseman's new show Philbert.

324. Okay, I read the scripts they sent me, and I was outraged.

325. Gratuitous sexual violence. Protracted, lascivious nude scenes.

326. Maybe BoJack Horseman thinks that's all in good fun,

327. but I know it's toxic.

328. And if I took part in it, I would be complicit—

329. no, culpable for that toxicity.

330. BoJack, what do you say to those charges?

331. Um...

332. The future is female?

333. Pretty cool, huh?

334. - Uh, are you sure about this outfit? - All the toughest guys wear leather.

335. Biker gangs, motorcycle cops, non-heteronormative dominatrices.

336. Well, this is the sleaziest, most dangerous dive bar in Hollywoo.

337. It's where all the bad boys party. Charlie Sheen, Chris Brown, Subway Jared.

338. Great. I'll waltz right in, fight a few bouncers, throw a drink in a face,

339. and get this menacing mug on the cover of a few tabloids.

340. - Hey. Hey! Bird brains!

341. Why don't you snap some pics of me being mean?

342. Get the word out that I'm a real tough SOAB!

343. - You? Tough? Yeah, right! - Hah!

344. I've seen tougher guys at the fancy-boy bubble bath parties I sometimes attend.

345. - What? - Sorry, I can't invite ya.

346. Fancy boys only.

347. - Well, you two have a pleasant afternoon. - No, Mr. Peanutbutter.

348. - Show 'em your tough stuff! - Oh, yeah!

349. Oh, my God, are you guys okay?

350. - Did you hear that? - No.

351. Exactly. No more clicking.

352. You fixed my TMJ, which means no more wearing a night guard to bed.

353. Wow, I already feel like a more confident and assertive lover.

354. Thanks, Mr. Peanutbutter.

355. I'm gonna go home and make love to my wiiiiiiiiiiiiife!

356. Uh...

357. My crossed eye. It— it's fixed!

358. My depth perception is so much better now.

359. I'm gonna go watch a Wes Anderson movie

360. and see if I can perceive any depth in iiiiiiiiiiit!

361. And stay out!

362. Whoa.

363. - So... did Philbert kill his wife? - Well, Sassy thinks so.

364. That's why she's pretending to be his new partner,

365. to get closer to the truth.

366. Meanwhile, his old partner Fritz is back in the mix,

367. but he might be dead and just a projection

368. - of Philbert's lingering guilt. - Ooooh!

369. - That's very unclear. - Yeah, the whole thing's nonsense,

370. but, more importantly, how do we prove it's not sexist?

371. - It is sexist. - No, of course.

372. But right now, I have to do an interview where I explain that it's not,

373. because otherwise, I'll look like a hypocrite,

374. which would be really bad for women everywhere.

375. So, in order to save feminism,

376. you need to give me some smart-sounding reasons

377. why Philbert isn't what it so obviously is,

378. so that I can continue to be a hero and role model.

379. Everything Vance said about these scripts is true.

380. It's posing as a deconstruction of the edifice of toxic masculinity...

381. Uh-huh. Toxic masculinity, yeah. Right.

382. But it's just using that, as an excuse to relish in its own excesses.

383. And the most depressing thing... is that ten times more people

384. are gonna watch this show than read anything I've ever written.

385. I feel you're not really getting into the spirit here.

386. We can still take down Vance and topple the patriarchy.

387. Come on, we're doing feminism, it's supposed to be fun!

388. This isn't fun for me!

389. Being a woman is not a hobby or a pet interest of mine.

390. You get to drop in, and play Joss Whedon, and everybody cheers.

391. But when you move on to your next thing, I'm still here.

392. Okay, yeah, I totally get that. But in the meantime,

393. I just need to know what to say about this show.

394. Say whatever you want. I have a listicle to write.

395. So, unless you can give me "five times Rihanna gave us life,"

396. this conversation is over.

397. BoJack Horseman is our Deep Dive guest, today.

398. So, what's going on? Something about your show being sexist?

399. My producer printed out an article for me, but I did not read it.

400. Look, obviously, when you take plot points out of context,

401. they can seem unsavory.

402. But they're all part of a larger attempt to deconstruct... toxic... masculinity.

403. Ooh! Sounds glamorous!

404. No, we're not glamorizing it, that's the thing.

405. You're not supposed to like John Philbert or agree with the things he does.

406. It's a TV show. It doesn't glamorize anything.

407. But... maybe it normalizes it.

408. I gotta go.

409. Okay. We still have 48 minutes, so, I guess I should just talk?

410. - I was eight years old

411. when my father first showed me his scars.

412. Each scar... tells a story, and every story... leaves a scar.

413. Holy crap! - Diane, the show needs your help.

414. - What? - You were right.

415. It's all the things you said it is, but it doesn't have to be.

416. Come on as a consulting producer. Work with Flip on the scripts,

417. make the show something that we can all be proud of.

418. Why would I do that?

419. You said it yourself, more people are going to watch this show

420. than read anything you write.

421. I'm giving you the opportunity to change society for the better.

422. - Nothing I do changes anything. - No? You changed me.

423. Listen up, scum.

424. - Huh?

425. - There's a new sheriff in town.

426. - And his name is... - Trace Norcutt.

427. Yeah, I read about him this morning in the metro section.

428. He just won a special election, right?

429. - Maybe so, but I— Wow!

430. Thank you, sir, for keeping us informed

431. about the comings and goings of our city politic.

432. After all, a democracy is only as strong as its populace is informed.

433. No, no, no, I was trying to—

434. Hey, let's cheer once for this kind stranger!

435. - Hip! Hip! Hurray!

436. I guess Princess Carolyn was right. Huh, Todd? Todd?

437. So, I guess the toughest thing of all was being tough.

438. - Who are you talking to? - Estelle.

439. - Who's Estelle? - Just Estelle. You don't know her.

440. Not everybody needs to know everybody.

441. Hmm. I have learned two lessons, today.

442. We still need to cast Philbert's partner.

443. No more bad boys. We can't take another PR hit.

444. We need an actor who everybody loves. Someone almost annoyingly positive.

445. Enthusiastic with zero baggage.

446. You know who would be perfect?

447. Uh...

448. Hey, Flip! Diane.

449. Yeah, you're the lady who's gonna make my show less sexist, right?

450. - Well, I'll see what I can do. - Here's what I need.

451. Sit in my office, don't chew too loud, and collect your paycheck.

452. Then, when the show comes out,

453. people will see your name in the credits and say,

454. "Huh, a lady worked on the show. Guess it's not sexist."

455. - I can contribute more than that. - Not necessary.

456. Hey, thanks for being here. You're really making a difference.

457. Uh...

458. - Hello, Diane. Jesus Christ!

459. I locked the doors this time!

460. I broke your window, because I needed to talk to you.

461. - I have a phone! - You were right about Vance.

462. He just got fired off his new movie after a drunken rant about the Chinese,

463. and then plowed his Hummer into the side of the Grauman's Egyptian Theatre.

464. - Not the... Chinese Theatre? - Mhm.

465. Anyway, his career is over, for about two or three years,

466. - and then he'll be fine again. - Yeah.

467. Listen, I'm sorry, the last time I saw you I made things kind of personal.

468. No, no. You were right. We give these men cover.

469. And if we give them cover,

470. we should know exactly what they're capable of.

471. In fact, I wanted to share this with you...

472. - woman to woman.

473. She just walked in at the worst possible...

474. - It wasn't my fault... right? - What is this?

475. what you're talking about. On the boat.

476. There was a girl.

477. - What? - In New Mexico.

478. - And she trusted me. - Wha...?

479. I keep asking myself,

480. if her mother didn't walk in, would I have done it?

481. And part of me is sure that I... I couldn't.

482. But another part knows that's a lie.

483. How do you make it right

484. when you've made it so wrong, you can never go back?