1. You shut down production?Copy !req
2. Just for a couple of days.Copy !req
3. What is going on over there?Copy !req
4. - It's a minor injury issue.
- A stunt went slightly awry.Copy !req
5. Again?Copy !req
6. And one of our stars
got a little strangled.Copy !req
7. - What?
- Just a little strangled.Copy !req
8. Like, the minimum amount of strangled.Copy !req
9. Everyone's fine now.
It's like it didn't even happen.Copy !req
10. - Except...
- Except what?Copy !req
11. Some crew members might have taken
some video of the incidentCopy !req
12. that could leak to the press
at any moment.Copy !req
13. But that's it!Copy !req
14. Okay, I'm pulling the plug.Copy !req
15. What?
- No!Copy !req
16. It's too dangerous!
We gotta cut our losses.Copy !req
17. Cut your losses?
Philbert is a monster hit!Copy !req
18. We put your site on the map, boy-o,Copy !req
19. so don't get squeamish now
about sunk cost.Copy !req
20. Face it: You need us
like a fish needs a bicycleCopy !req
21. in Portland, Austin, Boulder,
or Minneapolis, Saint Paul!Copy !req
22. You are out of order.Copy !req
23. Fine. Switch Boulder and Austin
and move the Twin Cities to the front.Copy !req
24. Now, can you give me a chance
to get everything under control?Copy !req
25. Yes! Yes! Yes!
You have one more chance.Copy !req
26. Do you promise me
you can take care of this?Copy !req
27. I'm clearing my docket.
This is my only priority.Copy !req
28. Good,
because my boss has made it very clearCopy !req
29. that if we let him down, he will, quote,
"eat my ass for dinner."Copy !req
30. - Hello?Copy !req
31. Hey, buddy, well, how ya feeling today?Copy !req
32. Weird.
Am I supposed to be on set right now?Copy !req
33. You just stay right there.
I'm coming over.Copy !req
34. - Okay.
- Do me a favor, though?Copy !req
35. Maybe don't watch any TV,
or go on the Internet,Copy !req
36. or take any phone calls
from anybody else until I get there, okay?Copy !req
37. - What?Copy !req
38. - Ugh.Copy !req
39. - Stuart.
- What up?Copy !req
40. Draft an email to Biscuits Braxby.Copy !req
41. I wanna set up an interview for—
Hold on, I'm getting another call.Copy !req
42. You want that part in the email?Copy !req
43. - Hello?
- Princess Carolyn! It's Sadie.Copy !req
44. Remember me? You wanted my baby,
and you came down to Eden,Copy !req
45. then you thought about your past a lot,
and I decided not to give you my baby?Copy !req
46. Of course I remember you, Sadie.
Unfortunately, this isn't a great time.Copy !req
47. Anyway, I got to thinking... I interviewed
a lot of people for adoption.Copy !req
48. After I said
I wasn't gonna give them the baby,Copy !req
49. They all went cold or nasty. Except you.
You were still nice.Copy !req
50. - How fast can you get to Eden?
- Why?Copy !req
51. My boyfriend left me,
my mama stole my truck,Copy !req
52. - and I don't want this baby no more.
- Oh, fish, Sadie.Copy !req
53. I'm kind of in the middle
of something now.Copy !req
54. You're in the middle of something?Copy !req
55. I'm about as deep in contractions
as an apostrophe!Copy !req
56. - I know. This is all just coming so fast.Copy !req
57. I... Let me call you back.Copy !req
58. Okay, but if this baby pops out
and you're not here,Copy !req
59. - I'm putting it in a dumpster.Copy !req
60. I'm kidding,
I'm giving it to someone else.Copy !req
61. - Hey.
- Hi.Copy !req
62. I always forget how tiny
and Dickensian this place is.Copy !req
63. It's really great how you don't need
nice things to be happy.Copy !req
64. - Yes, I agree. What do you want?Copy !req
65. For the last couple months,
I've had work to distract me,Copy !req
66. but now that we're on strangle hiatus,
I can't stop thinking about that "thing"Copy !req
67. that happened in the prepiere
of the Philbert.Copy !req
68. - "Strangle hiatus?"
- Diane, stay on topic.Copy !req
69. - You know what "thing" I'm talking about?
- Yes.Copy !req
70. - The thing between us?
- Got it.Copy !req
71. When we had sex?Copy !req
72. I was on top and then briefly on bottom.
Human-y style?Copy !req
73. Yep, I remember.Copy !req
74. Pickles has no idea,
and I've never felt so guilty in my life.Copy !req
75. I hate keeping secrets from people.Copy !req
76. It's like Rob Schneider's
surprise party all over again.Copy !req
77. You cheating on your girlfriendCopy !req
78. is not the same
as Rob Schneider's surprise party.Copy !req
79. You're right, this is much less sad
and involves more people.Copy !req
80. - Just tell Pickles the truth.
- Oh, I'm not good at giving bad news.Copy !req
81. - Could you do it?
- What? No!Copy !req
82. But you're so good at bumming people out.
I'm more of a "good news" guy.Copy !req
83. You want your ex-wife to explain the factCopy !req
84. that you cheated with your ex-wife
to your current girlfriend?Copy !req
85. Well, of course every idea sounds stupid
if you describe what it is.Copy !req
86. You're not the only one
who feels gross about that night.Copy !req
87. Do you have any idea how shitty I felt
after you left?Copy !req
88. So I made you feel gross, and now...Copy !req
89. No, you didn't make me anything!
I am gross.Copy !req
90. I feel, all the time, like a garbage fire.Copy !req
91. And not a cozy dumpster in a quaint alley,Copy !req
92. but a barge, floating out to sea,
with no rudder.Copy !req
93. I am a rudderless burning
large garbage barge.Copy !req
94. Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way
all the time,Copy !req
95. but I don't usually,
and now, for the first time ever, I do,Copy !req
96. and I don't know what to do
with that feeling!Copy !req
97. - Good! You should feel bad!
- Well, I do!Copy !req
98. - Great! Me, too!
- Great!Copy !req
99. Great!Copy !req
100. So, what, exactly,
do you think happened last night?Copy !req
101. Uh...Copy !req
102. I don't know. We shot some stuff?Copy !req
103. There was an accident on set
and Gina got injured.Copy !req
104. - Oh, my God, she did?
- She's fine.Copy !req
105. - But some footage has gotten out.
- Footage?Copy !req
106. And because of how it looks,Copy !req
107. some people might get the impression
that you were trying to hurt Gina.Copy !req
108. - They're gonna get the impression.
- Right.Copy !req
109. - But I wasn't.
- Of course not.Copy !req
110. What did happen?Copy !req
111. So, the two of you are gonna do
a sit-down interview with Biscuits Braxby.Copy !req
112. She makes news fun!Copy !req
113. Yes. All you need to say is that
you know the footage looks bad,Copy !req
114. but you and Gina are actors.Copy !req
115. You performed a convincing scene,Copy !req
116. and you can't wait
for everyone to see the new season.Copy !req
117. Well, it seems like you've got everything
under control.Copy !req
118. I'm sorry things got so messy
with the show.Copy !req
119. I didn't always look out for you
as much as I should have.Copy !req
120. I can take care of myself.
I know you've got a lot on your plate.Copy !req
121. It's just been so crazy,
this adoption process,Copy !req
122. but I think once I get a baby,
my life will be less hectic, you know?Copy !req
123. Oh, sure.Copy !req
124. That is why new mothers always
seem so chilled-out and well-rested.Copy !req
125. Okay, buddy.Copy !req
126. Why don't you save your funny jokes
for the interview?Copy !req
127. But please don't make jokes
at the interview.Copy !req
128. Sorry I broke every piece
of furniture you own.Copy !req
129. - Will 20 dollars cover it?
- Don't worry about it. But, yes.Copy !req
130. - So, what happens now?
- I don't know.Copy !req
131. - I have to tell Pickles.
- Yeah.Copy !req
132. - I'll tell her you and I had a talk.
- Okay.Copy !req
133. - And we're getting back together.
- Wait, what?Copy !req
134. - But she's a great girl.
- No, no.Copy !req
135. But she is a great girl.
You just don't know her.Copy !req
136. No, Mr. Peanutbutter.Copy !req
137. I don't want to get back together
with you.Copy !req
138. - What?
- I think you misunderstood.Copy !req
139. - Then why do you keep doing this?
- Why do you keep doing this?Copy !req
140. - Because I love you!
- Don't say that.Copy !req
141. It's true. I never stopped loving you.Copy !req
142. No. We can't do this ever again.Copy !req
143. - I'm sorry.Copy !req
144. See? I told you you were great
at giving bad news.Copy !req
145. That is not what I wanted to hear.Copy !req
146. BoJack, Biscuits. Biscuits, BoJack.Copy !req
147. This interview's gonna go down smooth,
like a 1995 Zinfandel.Copy !req
148. You ever try one of those '95 zins?
Good year for Zinfandels.Copy !req
149. Bad year for Oklahoma federal buildings.Copy !req
150. - M'kay.
- Here's how it's gonna go down.Copy !req
151. Red light on the camera goes bloop!
I go, "Hey!" You go, "Hey!" I go, "Video?"Copy !req
152. You go, "Nah!" I go, "Really?"Copy !req
153. You go, "Well..." and you roll me
through the rigamarole.Copy !req
154. - Oh, don't—
- Don't forget to plug your show.Copy !req
155. Then I go, "Wow. This has been
so illuminating. Thank you so much."Copy !req
156. Red light goes boo-de-de-boop,
we'll be out of here before Traffic.Copy !req
157. And, yes, I'm talking about
the Stephen Soderbergh movie Traffic.Copy !req
158. It's playing on FX tonight,
and I'm hoping to catch it.Copy !req
159. Love me some Cheadle.Copy !req
160. Am I crazy
or was she kind of hitting on me?Copy !req
161. Yeah. You guys have a real flirty energy,Copy !req
162. like Matt Lauer and those magazine
cut-outs he now interviews in his kitchen.Copy !req
163. - This should be fun.
- Now that's the spirit!Copy !req
164. You gotta show me this video.Copy !req
165. No, I really don't think
that's necessary.Copy !req
166. I'll look like an idiot
if I don't know what I'm talking about.Copy !req
167. Just let me see it. How bad could it be?Copy !req
168. Cut to: "Ooh, it's really bad!"
But, no, seriously, can I see it?Copy !req
169. - Hey, wow, look at me go.Copy !req
170. BoJack!
- Oh. Oh!Copy !req
171. Oh, look out, I'm getting really, um...Copy !req
172. Well, this looks like...Copy !req
173. Yeah.Copy !req
174. Because I'm actually...Copy !req
175. Yeah.Copy !req
176. Diane! What have you been up to?
Tell me everything.Copy !req
177. Actually, I've been working
on a book of essays—Copy !req
178. Okay, I was obviously asking to be polite,Copy !req
179. and it's very rude of you
to assume that I care.Copy !req
180. I have news that's actually interesting.Copy !req
181. Girl Croosh is pivoting to video,
and I want you to be the face.Copy !req
182. - The face?
- Of the site.Copy !req
183. Every woman under 40 will tune in
to hear what you have to say.Copy !req
184. And possibly women over 40,
but we have no way of knowingCopy !req
185. because they're invisible
to our site metrics.Copy !req
186. Stefani... no.Copy !req
187. I don't understand.
My parents never said no to me growing up,Copy !req
188. so I'm literally incapable
of processing it as a concept.Copy !req
189. I'm a hypocrite. I'm miserable
and I make other people miserable.Copy !req
190. I don't know what I'm doing.
I can't be a trusted news source,Copy !req
191. or an authority,
or a role model for anybody.Copy !req
192. Uh, no one called you a "role model."
Settle down.Copy !req
193. - Oh. Um...
- You know what your problem is?Copy !req
194. You hold everyone
to an impossible standard,Copy !req
195. including yourself.Copy !req
196. It's super helpful
for writing hot-take shakedowns,Copy !req
197. and clickbait take-downs,
but totally toxic for your personal lifeCopy !req
198. and internalized sense
of self-worth, girl.Copy !req
199. But shouldn't we be asking
more of ourselvesCopy !req
200. - and of the people in our lives?
- Of course. But we all fail, Diane.Copy !req
201. The world is unforgiving enough as it is.Copy !req
202. The least we could do is find ways
to forgive each other and ourselves.Copy !req
203. Well, then maybe we should be
more forgiving in our content,Copy !req
204. and maybe not publish so many take-downs?Copy !req
205. Oh, Diane.Copy !req
206. - All right, let's bring in the talent.Copy !req
207. - Hey, is this a good time to talk?Copy !req
208. No, Stuart. This is a very bad time.
We're about to shoot the interview.Copy !req
209. Oh, sorry, I haven't memorized
your schedule.Copy !req
210. - You could write it down.
- With what, a quill?Copy !req
211. - Okay, Elbridge Gerry.
- What?Copy !req
212. Anyway, this lady showed up
at the officeCopy !req
213. and she was being super annoying,
so I brought her here.Copy !req
214. - What lady?
- Hey.Copy !req
215. Why aren't you answering your phone?
Why aren't you in North Carolina?Copy !req
216. We're having a bit of a PR crisis.Copy !req
217. As soon as this is settled
I will take the first plane there,Copy !req
218. but this is just not the best time.Copy !req
219. Look, if you can't do this, don't do it.Copy !req
220. My mom worked all the time
and she never made time for me.Copy !req
221. I felt so alone growing up,Copy !req
222. especially because I never knew my dad
or my twin brotherCopy !req
223. because our parents broke up
when we were babies,Copy !req
224. and wouldn't even talk to each other.Copy !req
225. Oh, Tracy, I had no idea.Copy !req
226. My whole life,Copy !req
227. all I had was this half of a medallion
with part of a family crest on it.Copy !req
228. The crest of a family I'll never know.Copy !req
229. - Boring.
- Ex-squeeze me?Copy !req
230. Sorry, but your story sucks.Copy !req
231. I mean, who wasn't separated
from their family as a babyCopy !req
232. and still wears their half of a medallionCopy !req
233. in the hopes of one day being reunited
with their long-lost twin?Copy !req
234. That exact thing happened to me
and you don't see me bitching about it.Copy !req
235. - God, get over yourself.
- Get over yourself.Copy !req
236. I didn't realize it was a common thing.Copy !req
237. Well, obviously it is,
so can you get to your point already?Copy !req
238. I was getting to it
if you'd quit talking already.Copy !req
239. My point is, not every woman is supposed
to be a mother.Copy !req
240. Maybe you'd be happierCopy !req
241. if you freed yourself
from that expectation,Copy !req
242. and just lived the life
you'd clearly rather be living.Copy !req
243. Two minutes to air!Copy !req
244. No, that's not... I'm not...
I can't even deal with this right now.Copy !req
245. - You need to leave.
- All right, let's go.Copy !req
246. She's in one of her moods.Copy !req
247. I still think it's pretty nutty
we both have the left half of a medallion.Copy !req
248. Like, what are the odds?Copy !req
249. Nah, it's a completely different thing
with me. Mine is the right half.Copy !req
250. - So...
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
251. Hey.Copy !req
252. - Hello, BoJack.
- Are you okay? You look good.Copy !req
253. Yeah, makeup covered the bruises.Copy !req
254. - Gina, I'm so sorry.
- Let's just do the interview, okay?Copy !req
255. - I'm gonna come clean about everything.
- What?Copy !req
256. Everyone needs to know what I did.Copy !req
257. Please get in positions.Copy !req
258. No. Don't do that.Copy !req
259. Gina, what I did to you—
I saw the video and it looked pretty bad.Copy !req
260. I'll say it was pretty bad.Copy !req
261. - It was assault.
- Yeah.Copy !req
262. You physically overpowered me,Copy !req
263. and if there were any justice,
you would be in jail right now.Copy !req
264. Okay, so...Copy !req
265. But my career,Copy !req
266. after so many failed attempts,
is finally starting to take off.Copy !req
267. I am getting offers, and fan mail,Copy !req
268. and magazine columns
about what a good actor I am.Copy !req
269. People know me because of my acting.Copy !req
270. And all that goes away if I'm justCopy !req
271. the girl who got choked
by BoJack Horseman.Copy !req
272. I can't lie about this.Copy !req
273. I don't want you to be the most notable
thing that ever happened to me.Copy !req
274. I don't want you to be the question
I get asked in interviewsCopy !req
275. for the rest of my life.Copy !req
276. - Gina, I—
- You need to do this for me, okay?Copy !req
277. Because I just want this to be over.Copy !req
278. Can we talk about it,
maybe after the interview?Copy !req
279. No. I will be civil to you on set
when we have scenes together,Copy !req
280. but otherwise, I never wanna think
about you again.Copy !req
281. - Hey, guys, how are we doing?
- So good, Biscuits.Copy !req
282. We're so excited to be here,
aren't we, BoJack?Copy !req
283. - Um, yeah.Copy !req
284. I'm here with BoJack Horseman
and Gina Cazador,Copy !req
285. stars of the hit show Philbert.Copy !req
286. Let's cut to the chase. That video.Copy !req
287. Oh, my God,
it's so embarrassing.Copy !req
288. - This is all a misunderstanding.
- I mean, it's kind of hilarious.Copy !req
289. We've actually been laughing
about it here on set!Copy !req
290. Really?
BoJack looks so angry in the video.Copy !req
291. And Gina, you look terrified.Copy !req
292. Biscuits, we're actors. It's what we do.Copy !req
293. - Oh, thank God.
- Yep, actors.Copy !req
294. Okay, I gotta ask.
Is the story true? Are you two an item?Copy !req
295. Busted!Copy !req
296. Oh, boy.
Looks like you got your scoop!Copy !req
297. Can you give us a kiss?Copy !req
298. - Uh...
- Sure thing.Copy !req
299. - What's it like dating your co-star?
- It's so great.Copy !req
300. I'll bet sometimes, though,
you wanna strangle each other, right?Copy !req
301. Oh, you bet!Copy !req
302. Okay, you two.
This has been illuminating.Copy !req
303. - Thank you so much.Copy !req
304. That's a cut!
- That was amazing.Copy !req
305. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
306. You wanted to see me, Mr. Fondle?Copy !req
307. I must make love to you.Copy !req
308. You mean to my brain,
because I have such good ideas.Copy !req
309. Thanks for the encouragement.
I never got that at my last job.Copy !req
310. Nice boobs.Copy !req
311. That's exactly right.Copy !req
312. Those guys were nice,
but they were total boobs.Copy !req
313. Anyway, I'm gonna go review
the third quarter budgetCopy !req
314. with our diagnostics team.Copy !req
315. Insufficient power.
- To review the budget?Copy !req
316. Insufficient power.Copy !req
317. Are you saying I don't have the authority
to do my job?Copy !req
318. Now entering sleep mode.Copy !req
319. You wanna sleep with me?Copy !req
320. That is not a mode
I'm comfortable with, Mr. Fondle.Copy !req
321. Please connect to power source!Copy !req
322. So first, he said
I had insufficient power...Copy !req
323. Wow.Copy !req
324. Which I have never heard him say
to a man.Copy !req
325. And then he asked me to "connect"
to his "power source."Copy !req
326. Did you feel physically threatened?
Was there any implication of assault?Copy !req
327. Not assault, but he did make a mention
of "low battery".Copy !req
328. It is never acceptable to threaten
an employee with battery at any level.Copy !req
329. What time is it right now?Copy !req
330. For female employees
of one popular website,Copy !req
331. the answer is Sexual Harassment O'Clock!Copy !req
332. What started with the allegations
of one junior executiveCopy !req
333. has quickly snowballed
into an avalanche of accusation,Copy !req
334. as women at every level have come forwardCopy !req
335. with their own harrowing stories
of what happensCopy !req
336. when the big hand
meets the little hand.Copy !req
337. He said he wanted to "... get all up
in my guts with his penisCopy !req
338. and ejaculate inside me."Copy !req
339. At the time, I just thought
it was typical corporate banter,Copy !req
340. but now I'm like, uh...Copy !req
341. Look, obviously,Copy !req
342. men should not be engaging
in predatory behavior at the office,Copy !req
343. but I'm worried now the pendulum's
gonna swing too far in the other extremeCopy !req
344. where they'll be held accountable
for that behavior, and that's not ideal.Copy !req
345. Uh, Henry Fondle is a sex robot,Copy !req
346. and he should not be a CEO
of any company.Copy !req
347. When you say "sex robot,"
you're speaking metaphorically, right?Copy !req
348. No.Copy !req
349. The board has taken decisive action
to remove Henry FondleCopy !req
350. by placing him
on an indefinite paid leave.Copy !req
351. Meanwhile, we will be scaling back,
canceling our slate of streaming seriesCopy !req
352. and refocusing on our original mission
of being a website you can go toCopy !req
353. if you don't know what time it is,
that also doesn't harass anyone.Copy !req
354. This is a great day for the women
of this company,Copy !req
355. many of whom will be laid off.Copy !req
356. So, you got a call from your dentist;
no cavities.Copy !req
357. Emily Van Camp wants to move
your four o'clock to five.Copy !req
358. And also, Todd wanted me to let you know
that the network folded,Copy !req
359. everyone got fired...
And your show is canceled.Copy !req
360. - What?
- It's over. It's all over.Copy !req
361. What are you talking about?
It's not over.Copy !req
362. We just have to find our baby
another home.Copy !req
363. Maybe What Time Is It Right Now is gone,Copy !req
364. but there are like a billion
other websites, right?Copy !req
365. What about that website you go to,
to pay your parking tickets?Copy !req
366. Or if we're really desperate, TNT?Copy !req
367. The point is we're just getting started,
Princess Carolyn!Copy !req
368. - Princess Carolyn?Copy !req
369. - She's gone.Copy !req
370. Unless...Copy !req
371. I was Princess Carolyn the whole time.Copy !req
372. Mm.Copy !req
373. Oh, fish!Copy !req
374. Well, this is it, Henry Fondle.
The end of the line.Copy !req
375. Hiya, hotshot.Copy !req
376. I've been following your career
pretty closely and I like what I see.Copy !req
377. How'd you like a corner office
at Disney-Fox-AT&T-AOL-Copy !req
378. Time-Warner- Pepsico-Viacom-Halliburton-
Skynet-Toyota-Trader-Joe's?Copy !req
379. Give it to me!Copy !req
380. Uh, you know this guy just got fired
for sexual harassment, right?Copy !req
381. Yeah, so he's learned his lesson
and he's ready to reenter the workforce.Copy !req
382. I have many penises.Copy !req
383. You said it, buddy.
Give us a call.Copy !req
384. Do you wanna take a ride?
There's something I wanna show you.Copy !req
385. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!Copy !req
386. Oh, hello.Copy !req
387. Shouldn't you be out
"not really strangling" someone?Copy !req
388. The last time I saw you,Copy !req
389. you said you still believed
I could be a better person.Copy !req
390. - Do you still believe that?
- I do.Copy !req
391. I need you to write one
of your take-downs.Copy !req
392. - About me.
- What?Copy !req
393. You can't write anything
about Gina, but... the other stuff.Copy !req
394. Everything. I need to get it out.Copy !req
395. No. I'm done writing about you,
or for you, or with you.Copy !req
396. Diane, please, I need this.Copy !req
397. I'm a bad guy
and the world needs to know.Copy !req
398. There's no such thing as "bad guys"
or "good guys."Copy !req
399. We're all just... guys...Copy !req
400. who do good stuff sometimes
and bad stuff sometimes.Copy !req
401. And all we can do is try to do
less bad stuff and more good stuff,Copy !req
402. but you're never going to be good.
Because you're not bad.Copy !req
403. So, you need to stop using that
as an excuse.Copy !req
404. I am asking to be held accountable.Copy !req
405. And I'm telling you it's not gonna happen.Copy !req
406. Whatever you put in that story,
no one is gonna "hold you accountable."Copy !req
407. You need to take responsibility
for yourself.Copy !req
408. I don't know how to do that!Copy !req
409. This is it. My special thinking spot.Copy !req
410. Let us put on
a Lionel Richie album,Copy !req
411. and finger each other's holes.Copy !req
412. Shh. Henry, no.
There'll be time for that later.Copy !req
413. I love it
when you call me Father.Copy !req
414. That's right.Copy !req
415. Shh. It's okay. It's over now.
It's all over.Copy !req
416. Oh, man.Copy !req
417. Okay.Copy !req
418. Aw.Copy !req
419. She's beautiful.
What are you gonna call her?Copy !req
420. Untitled Princess Carolyn Project.Copy !req
421. But not really, though, right?Copy !req
422. Hey, do you think my cactus is gonna be
okay if I'm not there for six weeks?Copy !req
423. Yeah, I think
your cactus is gonna be okay.Copy !req
424. - Is this a mistake?
- No.Copy !req
425. Wow, it feels so weird to be eating here.Copy !req
426. So, this is what it's like
from the other side.Copy !req
427. Pickles, I took you hereCopy !req
428. because I wanted you to be somewhere
you felt comfortable.Copy !req
429. Aw, that's so sweet, Mister.Copy !req
430. Because I need to talk to you
about something.Copy !req
431. Oh, no, this is really bad.
Why would you do this to me?Copy !req
432. I didn't tell you what it is.Copy !req
433. No one ever "needs to talk"
about something good!Copy !req
434. No one ever says,
"I need to talk to you: Happy Birthday"Copy !req
435. or, "I need to talk to you:
Felicity Jones hired a new stylistCopy !req
436. and her red carpet looks this season
are to die for!"Copy !req
437. Well, good news first:
Felicity Jones did hire a new stylist,Copy !req
438. but sadly,
her fashion choices just aren't popping.Copy !req
439. Oh, no! This is bad news!
Well, thank you for telling me.Copy !req
440. That isn't the thing
I was going to tell you.Copy !req
441. There's more bad news?Copy !req
442. Is it worse or not as bad
as the Felicity Jones thing?Copy !req
443. Well, it's different...Copy !req
444. Whatever it is,
we're going to get through it together.Copy !req
445. Whatever it is, I love you,
and nothing's going to change that.Copy !req
446. Nothing you say is going to make me
stop loving you, no matter what.Copy !req
447. Pickles... I...Copy !req
448. What is it?Copy !req
449. What do I say... when I go in?Copy !req
450. You say, "Hello. I am BoJack.
Horseman, obviously.Copy !req
451. You've probably heard of me.
I'm very famous.Copy !req
452. So... Sober me up, please!"Copy !req
453. What if I get sober...Copy !req
454. and I'm still the same awful person
I've always been,Copy !req
455. only more... sober?Copy !req
456. I think that is a very real possibility.Copy !req
457. - Don't be shitty.
- I'm not.Copy !req
458. Rehab is not a cure-all that's gonna
suddenly make you not an asshole.Copy !req
459. Then why are we doing this?
Let's turn around and go home.Copy !req
460. - You wanna go home?
- Is that okay?Copy !req
461. Look, you have two options.Copy !req
462. You can go back home
and try to do things your way,Copy !req
463. like you've been doing all your life,Copy !req
464. or you can see what these guys
have to offer.Copy !req
465. I don't understand
why you're being so nice to me.Copy !req
466. After everything you know about me,
all the shit I put you through.Copy !req
467. When I was in high school,
I had this friend. Abby.Copy !req
468. She was my only friend
and we did everything together,Copy !req
469. until she got adopted by the cool kids
and then she turned on me...Copy !req
470. so fast.Copy !req
471. She used every secret she knew about me,
every vulnerability.Copy !req
472. She made me miserable
my entire sophomore year.Copy !req
473. But then that summer
when her mom got sick, like really sick,Copy !req
474. and all her cool friends were off
vacationing in Martha's Vineyard,Copy !req
475. - I was there for her.
- Why?Copy !req
476. Because I'm an idiot. And it was Abby.Copy !req
477. And I hated her,
and I will never forgive her,Copy !req
478. but she needed me and...
she was my best friend and I loved her.Copy !req
479. And now... you're here, and I hate you,Copy !req
480. but you're my best friend,
and you need me.Copy !req
481. You know what you're gonna say?
You wanna practice?Copy !req
482. I'm gonna say,
"Hello. I am BoJack Horseman.Copy !req
483. Obviously, you know who I am,Copy !req
484. because I'm very famous,
and also we called ahead.Copy !req
485. And I am here because... I need help."Copy !req