BoJack Horseman 5x1

1. Good thing I don't need anyone or I might feel lonesome.

2. - Watch your six. - I'd rather watch your six.

3. - Hmm.

4. - What the hell? Cut!

5. Come on, guys. Pay attention. The squib didn't fire.

6. - What did I do? - Not you. Squib. Squib.

7. - The squib. - I don't need any help. Thank you.

8. - You're doing great, BoJack. - Yeah?

9. And I did a great job watching you, which is most of what producing is.

10. We're doing it, buddy! First day!

11. Listen, I still have some questions about my character,

12. and the script, and the show, and you asking me to do this show,

13. - and me saying, "Yes". - Hey, can we get rid of Philbert's watch?

14. The network doesn't want us to remind the audience

15. about the existence of clocks.

16. And why we're making a TV show for What-Time-Is-It-Right-Now-dot-com,

17. which is a website for people who don't know their computers

18. already have built-in clocks at the corner of the screen?

19. All your questions will be answered.

20. But in the meantime, would it kill you to smile?

21. Dierdre! I should have known!

22. Just like a bitch to shoot me in the heart, bitch.

23. Good thing I carry this flask full of my dead wife's blood around.

24. And, cut.

25. Hey, Flip. Can I ask why I'm calling her a bitch twice?

26. The first bitch is her. The second bitch is your heart.

27. Okay, you know, I have some questions about my character.

28. - I have two minutes. - Okay, well, my first question is—

29. - BoJack Horseman... - Oh, jeez. Here we go.

30. and Mr. Peanutbutter on the same studio backlot?

31. - One sec— - What is this?

32. - A mismatched buddy comedy... - No.

33. about two guys from different sides of the tracks

34. who learn to respect each other because they have a common interest?

35. - Who's this guy? - Ignore him. Why—

36. And a grudging respect blossoms into real friendship

37. as they set aside their differences to achieve a shared goal...

38. - Stop it. - ... each bringing their own strength

39. to the table, and possibly there's a karaoke scene?

40. Why does John Philbert's house look the same as my house?

41. I've never been to your house.

42. The set was designed to reflect Detective Philbert.

43. Spare, lonely, precariously balanced on a hill of his own isolation.

44. It kind of looks like David Boreanaz's house.

45. The set designer actually took a tour there.

46. Oh, that's very interesting.

47. Why are you here?

48. I'm playing Julius Caesar on the stage next door, in a movie!

49. Well, it's a short film.

50. - I gotta run. - Wait!

51. I'll see you next time I'm Roman around the lot!

52. - Flip, when can we talk? - Tomorrow morning.

53. - Hi. - Hey.

54. - Yikes, was that it? You done?

55. - Wow.

56. Sorry, I can't do you.

57. I'm too distracted, I'd just do a bad job.

58. You know your own body better than me anyway so just go to town.

59. Yeah, I'm gonna go.

60. Wait, Gina. Can I ask you a question, about you?

61. Uh-huh?

62. Do you think I'm right, and the Philbert character is poorly written,

63. and Flip needs to write him better, so I don't look so bad?

64. Look, I do one of these shows every year.

65. And I keep getting hired because I show up, do the work,

66. and keep my head down.

67. But do you love this script? Do you love your character?

68. Do I love Internal Affairs Director Sassy Malone,

69. whose primary character traits are that she hates bras

70. and loves cold rooms?

71. Not especially. It feels gratuitous and male-gazey.

72. But it pays for my expensive habit of having a mortgage

73. - in Southern California. - You don't have to go.

74. We could hang out.

75. I'm sure you don't wanna be all alone in a house by yourself.

76. No, I love being alone. I wish I were alone right now.

77. Huh.

78. BoJack? Why are you up?

79. I could ask you the same question.

80. Now you're in college you don't need to sleep anymore?

81. No, I was sleeping.

82. You called me and woke me up.

83. Oh, right.

84. I wanted you to know that I hearted your Instagram photo.

85. Okay, cool.

86. Well, there were 23 other hearts.

87. But I don't know if you know who they're all from, but one was from me.

88. Yeah, they let me know.

89. Oh, cool, cool.

90. Okay, I'm going back to sleep.

91. Fine, but this phone call does not replace our weekly Sunday call. Okay?

92. Yeah, I'll talk to you Sunday afternoon.

93. Yes. Good. Because I miss you.

94. Sorry, that sounded dumb. I don't miss you, I'm just bored.

95. - That also sounded dumb. - I miss you too, BoJack.

96. Good morning, lovebugs!

97. Don't mind me, just passing through! Not sneaking a peek at the lovebugs!

98. There's nothing to see that would embarrass any of us.

99. - We are all fully clothed. - Ha-ha. If you say so!

100. What are you gonna do while I'm at work all day?

101. There's an old frog who lives down in the L.A. River.

102. He owes me an egg salad sandwich, on account of a caper we once went on.

103. - What? - I was gonna see if he wants

104. to make instruments out of shoeboxes and rubber bands.

105. And, uh, that will satisfy you?

106. When your life is ends, and you're looking back at this day,

107. you'll think that was a good day?

108. Yeah?

109. Well, from your preliminary paperwork you seem like a perfect candidate.

110. Thanks, I just never thought it would be like this.

111. I mean, my mom popped out kids by the dozen. And I can't even—

112. Mnh-mnh. Princess Carolyn, is your name Cutie Cutie Cupcake?

113. - No, that's— - Were you born on August 12th, 1947?

114. - I— - Do you sleep with your hands stuffed

115. - in lotion-filled socks? - No.

116. Right, because you are not your mother.

117. - How did you know— - What you are is noble,

118. honorable, and unimpeachable.

119. Anyone can just have a baby. But to adopt one? That takes a hero.

120. It takes a selfless, giving, kickass superwoman

121. who's willing to take out her checkbook right now

122. and write the adoption agency a check for $60,000.

123. Well. Okay.

124. Fabulous.

125. I'm just so glad that I'm on this journey with you.

126. Princess Carolyn, I'm with you every step of the way,

127. from you giving me this check all the way to me introducing you

128. to your new caseworker, Tracy.

129. - Hey. - Ah!

130. You're in wonderful hands, bye!

131. Uh, what—

132. Congratulations. What are you, like, five months pregnant?

133. No, I'm not a birth mother. I'm adopting.

134. Oh, that makes sense. 'Cause you're so old.

135. Is Mikhaela ever coming back?

136. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. What?

137. Jeanine, the script calls for hot and haunted.

138. Does this girl look hot and haunted to you?

139. Yeah, I'm sure she was hot for Shakespeare in the Park,

140. but I need TV hot.

141. - Actually, she's starting to look haunted.

142. - Hey! Uh, this a bad time? - It's fine.

143. I can talk to you and also judge these women's bodies at the same time.

144. What do you want?

145. Okay, well, first of all, the script is great.

146. Really top-notch stuff. I love the whole... thing of it.

147. I just wanted to clarify some things about Philbert as a character.

148. Mm-hmm.

149. Yeah, okay, on page three,

150. is it necessary that Philbert can only orgasm if he's listening

151. - to a recording of his dead wife's voice? - Yes.

152. Okay, well, what about this thing on page eight

153. where he goes to a strip club and just sits in the back with a sketch-pad

154. and draws the strippers, while a Leonard Cohen song plays?

155. What about it?

156. It's just that all of these half-naked women.

157. I mean, I understand it.

158. I'm just worried it might come across as gratuitous and, uh, male-gazey,

159. which I know it isn't!

160. Hmm. You know what? You girls can go home.

161. The stripper scene's cut.

162. - No. - Seriously?

163. - Uh, oh. Uh... - How am I gonna feed my baby?

164. I just got an idea for something better.

165. So, instead of drawing strippers naked, you're just going to draw Gina naked.

166. Uh...

167. Gina, BoJack was concerned the old scene was gratuitous and male-gazey.

168. Oh, he was? BoJack said that?

169. This is much more interesting and motivated by character.

170. And since it's motivated by character, that means it's not gratuitous.

171. Thank you for the note, BoJack, you really helped.

172. Yeah. Thanks, BoJack, for helping.

173. - Oh, um... Can we get some ice?

174. Can we get some nipple ice for Gina?

175. - So, you're the famous Yolanda. - I am not famous.

176. You might have me confused with another more famous Yolanda.

177. I know, I-I just meant because Todd talks about you so much,

178. I feel like you're famous.

179. Oh, well, that was not clear.

180. Okay. Todd, why don't you say things now?

181. Steve, you still fixing up your truck?

182. You're thinking of Emily's old boyfriend, firefighter Steve D'Marco.

183. Yeah, I'm firefighter Steve D'Mazio. We're very different.

184. But I do have a truck, and I'm fixing it up.

185. So, thanks for asking.

186. I created a dating app for firefighters to meet me.

187. - Looks like it worked. Yeah.

188. Hey! We should create a dating app for asexuals.

189. Why would asexuals want a dating app?

190. Well, not all asexuals are aromantic.

191. - Uh... - Think of it this way.

192. One could be: A, Romantic, or B, Aromantic,

193. while also being A, Sexual, or B, Asexual.

194. So you could be BB, or BA.

195. As for me, see AB, see?

196. Uh...

197. So, even within the one percent of the population that's asexual,

198. there's an even smaller percentage

199. that is still looking for romantic companionship.

200. Seems like a pretty thin user base for an app.

201. But without it, asexual romantics might end up settling for just whatever

202. other asexual romantics they might meet, even if they have nothing else in common.

203. - Well, anyway— - Yeah, but maybe it's good

204. if they have nothing in common because then they can help each other grow

205. and change, and become fuller, more well-rounded people.

206. Yeah, that's true.

207. So, Todd, are you still doing that rabid clown-dentist exercise thing?

208. Oh, no, that whole thing kinda fell apart when the clowns got loose.

209. Huh?

210. I know you killed your wife, Philbert, and I'm gonna prove it.

211. Wow!

212. Don't finger me for a murderer, Malone.

213. I don't know where those fingers have been.

214. Ooh!

215. Well, how about I show you?

216. Wow! Cut!

217. Someone keeps shouting "Wow" and "Ooh."

218. You guys are doing a bang-up job over here.

219. So sayeth Caesar! King of the apes!

220. Look, man, I know what you're doing, okay?

221. You're trying to punish me. Just don't punish Gina.

222. I'm not trying to punish anyone.

223. I'm just trying to make a good show that's brilliant and unprecedented.

224. It sounds like you guys are basically on the same page.

225. You're the only one with a problem here.

226. - Gina is fine with it. - Gina is not fine with it.

227. You guys, you're almost saying exactly the same thing.

228. Except one of you is saying "not".

229. Gina, do you have a problem with the nudity in this scene?

230. It's great. It's brilliant, unprecedented. I'm gonna get some potatoes.

231. You see? Everyone's fine with it but you.

232. So, can we drop it?

233. I know you're used to being the most important person on set.

234. - This is not about me. - It's weird for you

235. that I don't need to listen.

236. - I'm not— - Hey, hey—

237. But if you actually have notes that are helpful,

238. I would love to hear them when you're done swinging your dick around.

239. - No, this is not about my dick. - Okay, fellas...

240. - Well, maybe it should be about your dick. - What?

241. Since you're so concerned about the male gaze,

242. let's give the females something to gaze at.

243. We'll do a full-frontal nude scene with you.

244. This is compromise! This is working together.

245. - Well, hold on. - Fully exposed, Philbert reaches up

246. - with both hands to screw in a light bulb. - Yes!

247. He totters in little circles on a tiny stool.

248. - Wouldn't I just turn my wrist? - Full body rotation. We see everything.

249. Now we're talking!

250. - No, we're not! Princess— - I'm on it.

251. Flip, BoJack can only do this scene

252. - if he can wear a T-shirt. - What?

253. He's very self-conscious about his belly area.

254. No, I'm self-conscious about my penis area.

255. He can't wear a shirt.

256. It's about being vulnerable.

257. We see every fold and imperfection of his wrinkled, saggy body.

258. - Hey! - So we like him.

259. But he has to be fully erect so we respect him.

260. - What? - We'll shoot it tomorrow.

261. - Yeah. - Unless you don't like this idea,

262. in which case, we can go back to what we were doing.

263. - Right. - Well—

264. So, you would be admitting that you don't actually care

265. about the male gaze and you were only giving me notes

266. to hear yourself talk.

267. But that's not it, right?

268. - Right. - Great.

269. - Shooting is tomorrow afternoon. - Okay.

270. - I'll send the waxing kit over tonight. - Philbert waxes?

271. Not for cosmetic purposes. He just wants to feel something.

272. - Huh?

273. I like your friend. It's impressive how she creates companies.

274. And her boyfriend has an interesting career as well.

275. Yeah! And you have an interesting career.

276. Hey! The three of you all have interesting careers.

277. That is so cool!

278. Todd, do you ever feel weird

279. that you have no discernible life direction?

280. - No. - Let me rephrase that.

281. I feel weird that you have no discernible life direction.

282. - Oh. - I mean...

283. - What am I supposed to tell people? - A story? A joke?

284. Compliments are things people like being told sometimes.

285. I'm sorry. How was your day? Did you end up meeting with that frog?

286. No, I just stayed home and looked at stuff on the Internet.

287. Oh.

288. - Hello, Princess Carolyn.

289. You're not Princess Carolyn. Why are you not Princess Carolyn?

290. - She gets home pretty late. - I came all this way for nothing?

291. I brought my spinny chair and everything!

292. Well, if you want something to do, you could help me find a job.

293. - You're looking for a job? - I spent all day looking!

294. First, I thought I should get a newspaper to find one,

295. but then I was, like, "Where do I find a newspaper?"

296. - Uh. - So, I looked it up.

297. And a map came up of my local area.

298. So, then I thought about how I know this area pretty well,

299. but there's all kinds of areas I don't know.

300. - Like South Africa. - Okay.

301. - And then I thought about Charlize Theron. - Uh, right.

302. And then I thought about that movie Monster.

303. And then I was, like, "What year did that come out?"

304. - So I went to Monster.com...

305. to look up facts about the movie Monster,

306. and it turns out they have job postings there!

307. - What a time to be alive!

308. Hey! A posting for WhatTimelsltRightNow.com!

309. Oh, a janitor job.

310. I've always wanted to... Janet!

311. I just got an amazing idea. Interview for that job!

312. Uh... Was that your amazing idea?

313. Because I feel, like, it kinda came out of the room.

314. When you get in the building, say you need to use the WC.

315. Then you'll sneak into the office of one of the network execs.

316. Go into their email and send a message to Flip McVicker

317. telling him he can't film any more nude scenes

318. because they're derivative and unnecessary,

319. - especially the nude scenes involving me. - You are throwing a lotta words at me.

320. Todd, don't you get it? We're gonna save the show!

321. You're on a show?

322. This is a very impressive resume.

323. Yep. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must adjourn to the restroom.

324. You founded a ride-share app. You built and managed your own theme park.

325. And you were, briefly, Governor of California!

326. I was also the director of a Star Wars movie,

327. but they fired me over "creative differences."

328. Now about that restroom...

329. Hold on. You are way overqualified to be a janitor.

330. - Okay. But I do actually need to go. - Oh, you need to go, all right.

331. - Straight to the top of this company!

332. We're ready for you on set, Mr. Horseman.

333. Just a minute.

334. - All right! Todd, did you do it?

335. Hold please for Mr. Chavez.

336. - Already I don't like this development. Hey! Good news, bad news.

337. Good news is I'm now President of Ad Sales and Streamable Content

338. - WhatTimelsltGo. What?

339. Bad news is I can't help you.

340. Why not? You're their boss now. You can tell them what to do.

341. I could, but I'm no leader at all if I can't delegate authority.

342. - I need to focus on big picture stuff.

343. Loving that picture. Can we get it even bigger?

344. Ugh, Todd, your good-hearted naiveté has once again conspired

345. with outrageous happenstance to completely dick me over!

346. Have you tried just talking to the show runner?

347. In my experience, I've found it's best to shoot straight,

348. in the boardroom and on the driving range.

349. - I gotta jet.

350. It's Susie in HRs birthday and if I don't show up to these things,

351. people talk, you know what I mean?

352. - I never do!

353. - Hey, Flip, we need to talk. - Okay.

354. - I'm not doing the naked scene. - What?

355. The only reason you wrote it is to embarrass me.

356. BoJack, I'm not writing scenes for my television show

357. and also directing them in order to teach you lessons

358. or send you secret messages.

359. I'm just trying to make a good show.

360. - Why do you keep making it so difficult? - I'm making it difficult?

361. I have done nothing, but be a friend to you.

362. I actually called my mom last night and told her that I made a friend on set.

363. Do you wanna make me a liar to my mother?

364. - What? Ew. Weird. - Take off that robe and go to set.

365. - No. - Take off that robe right now.

366. Why can't you act like a professional and get naked?

367. Because it's dumb! This whole show is duuuuuuumb!

368. What?

369. It's confusing, it's overwritten, and it's poorly lit.

370. The darkness is a metaphor for darkness!

371. And worst of all, it's boring!

372. It has nothing to say, and it says that nothing badly!

373. Let me tell you how this is going to be.

374. I am the show creator

375. and if I want your character to get naked, he gets naked.

376. If I want him to speak only in Korean, you're learning Korean.

377. If I want your character to shit his pants

378. and walk around with shit in his pants for the rest of the season,

379. - you will do just that.

380. - Oh, come on. - You signed a contract.

381. And that means I am your god.

382. You will please your god,

383. and if I don't see your ass on set then I will see your ass in court.

384. Do you understand?

385. That's a good note about the lighting. I'll take a look at that.

386. Good news! We found a birth mother!

387. Really? A-already?

388. She came in yesterday.

389. She's giving her baby to a sweet couple in Illinois.

390. - What? - Oh...

391. Did you think we found a birth mother for you?

392. Conceited much?

393. Tracy, I'm spending a lot of money to be here with you

394. and I'm putting myself in a very vulnerable position.

395. Is there any way you can be a little more thoughtful

396. with the way you manage me as a client?

397. It sounds like what you're looking for is an adoption manager.

398. This is an adoption agency.

399. - Do you not know the difference?

400. - What?

401. Princess Carolyn, I overplayed my hand.

402. BoJack and I got into a fight.

403. - And he never showed up on set. - What?

404. - What?

405. Princess Carolyyyyyyyn, I need to talk to youuuuuu.

406. - BoJack. - Hold on, I got a thing with a chair.

407. How did you even find me?

408. Duh. Bought a burner phone, slipped it into your purse,

409. and then used the Find My Phone app.

410. How thoughtful.

411. Hello, Princess Carolyn.

412. Oh, God.

413. I have a plan and I need your help.

414. - I found out his mom has a fake leg. - Who's mom?

415. Flip. I'm gonna seduce her, steal her leg, and then smack him across the face with it

416. until he chokes on his own blood.

417. It's subtle, but I think he'll get the message.

418. BoJack, what are you trying to accomplish here?

419. I-I don't want to do the show.

420. So you're gonna run away like you always do?

421. Yeah. I never wanted to do this show!

422. - You faked my signature! - And I told you that,

423. and you said, "Okay" because you wanted to be a good friend to me!

424. So, you can't get points for that and then resent me for it now.

425. - It's not about you! I don't like him! - Oh, Flip's not that bad.

426. He's just insecure and is overcompensating a little.

427. I know that must be a foreign concept for you.

428. No, not Flip. Philbert.

429. He-he's a drunk. He's an asshole. I don't want to be him.

430. So, maybe don't be the drunk asshole.

431. Maybe this time, you have a good attitude and you don't drink so much

432. and you show up at your call time.

433. And then you put on the Philbert costume and you pretend to be this other guy.

434. And then when you're done shooting, you take off your costume

435. and you're BoJack, the star of the show that everybody likes.

436. - Yeah? - Yeah.

437. Hey, why are we at an adoption agency? Are you adopting something?

438. - I'm trying to. - Oh.

439. So, can you keep it together for the next ten weeks

440. so I don't need to come to set, every day, to put out fires?

441. You think you could do that? For me?

442. Action.

443. Hey, stranger.

444. It sounds like you had an amazing trip.

445. I did. What have you been up to?

446. Well, I did play Julius Caesar in a pizza commercial

447. that they're going to... get this, show in movie theaters.

448. Wow, look at you. Pizza.

449. Et Cru-Dités?

450. - What? - That was my line.

451. I played Little Caesar's dad, Big Caesar, in the back story part of the commercial,

452. which is funny because most commercials don't even have a back story part.

453. Also, Little Caesar's doesn't sell crudités.

454. Oh, man, my part's definitely going to get cut, huh?

455. Just like the real Caesar!

456. Hey, that's right!

457. - Well, here's your place.

458. Yep. Here it is.

459. Well, anyway, I signed the papers.

460. Oh. Great!

461. Yeah, so if it all looks good to you and your lawyer,

462. you can sign it too and then it'll be official.

463. Divorce completed.

464. - Yay. - We did it.

465. Take that, our marriage!

466. - Well, I guess I'll see you around? - Yeah.

467. - I was going to— - Sorry.

468. - Sorry. Just go all the way.

469. - Well, bye. - Cool.

470. And, cut.

471. We got it.

472. What's that for? We've all seen me naked.

473. Can't put the genie back in the bottle now, baby.

474. Thanks anyway, Judy.

475. This is great. Any other work environment

476. and this would be considered sexual harassment.

477. - Ooh, Cadbury Creme Eggs.

478. Yes, please! Whoops. Gonna need new yogurt.

479. - I'll make it up to you,

480. Party at my house tonight!

481. So, then Aaron Eckhart said, "If that's Ansel Elgort,

482. then who's Alden Ehrenreich?"

483. - And then I said, "Gesundheit"

484. - Flip! You made it. - Yeah.

485. Jesus Christ, your house really does look like Philbert's.

486. That's what I've been trying to tell you.

487. Thanks for being so cool today about the naked stuff.

488. Yeah. Sure.

489. Those chicks always make such a big deal about their bodies.

490. Maybe now that you've done it,

491. Gina won't complain so much next time we make her do it.

492. - Well, no, she didn't complain. - Whatever. Doesn't matter.

493. - Everything worked out. - Yeah.

494. Listen, I'm sorry I flew off the handle earlier

495. and tried to remove your robe by force.

496. This is my first show and I'm still figuring out

497. how to strike the right tone.

498. No, of course, I'm just trying to help you fulfill your vision.

499. Yeah. The main thing you gotta know about me

500. is just don't take things so personal, you know what I mean?

501. Uh, yeah.

502. Everything we're doing over these next ten weeks,

503. the places I'm going to take you, it's not about you, you know?

504. - It's Philbert. - Yeah. Right.

505. Yeah, you get it.

506. I tell you, buddy, this is going to be a sensational season of television.