BoJack Horseman 4x4

1. Let me be the first to tell you: I'm bad news.

2. You're actually not the first to tell me that.

3. I can't offer you parental guidance or advice or love or support

4. or prolonged conversation or interest in you,

5. - or remembering your name. - It's Hollyhock.

6. - And I'm not looking for another dad. - Great.

7. But I've always wanted to know who my mother is.

8. Your mother? What do I look like, Josh Radnor?

9. Nothing? Nothing for Josh Radnor. How quickly we forget.

10. Just tell me the name of the woman you had sex with in December 1999.

11. That's all the relationship we need to have.

12. That was quite a time for our nation, sex-wise...

13. Actually, I don't need a whole long story. Just get to the point.

14. The point is I banged a lot of women.

15. One-night stands, two-night stands, nooners, spooners, hot-air ballooners.

16. So, out of all of these women it sounds like you really respected,

17. is there any chance one of them got pregnant

18. and then put the baby up for adoption?

19. I guess Marcy was kind of a poking holes in the condom type.

20. Real nutter. Good lay, though.

21. Glad to hear my mother was a "nutter" and "a good lay."

22. Can I meet her? Where is she?

23. I bet she's still in that same apartment in the Valley. What a dump!

24. Can you take me there?

25. Help me find my mom and I'll leave you alone forever.

26. Deal. But can we go in the morning?

27. It's getting pretty late, I become a real asshole

28. if I don't get a solid seven hours of bed drinking a night.

29. I should get going.

30. My hostel's all the way downtown in a pretty bad area.

31. Wait.

32. - Take this. - Okay.

33. Here I go, hope there are no murderers out.

34. Yes, everyone hopes that all the time.

35. - Okay, just do me a favor. - Ugh! What now?

36. If I do get murdered, will you call my eight dads

37. and tell them I love them?

38. I gotta call all eight? They can't work out a phone tree?

39. If you're gonna be a baby, stay here for the night.

40. - All right! - Take the couch and be quiet.

41. Don't get on your phone and text all your friends how sweet my house is.

42. Turn off all the lights when you're going to sleep, all of the lights.

43. Thank you, BoJack.

44. - Oh, I can't— - Oh, you're— you're in my—

45. - Wait, I'm not really— - What if we try...

46. Wait, I'm almost... Oh, no.

47. I don't think it's going to happen.

48. I'm sorry, it's just difficult with all the—

49. - Who gave Todd the air horn? - Right.

50. - The campaign. - Exactly.

51. But it's just another two months, right?

52. After the election everything goes back to normal.

53. - Well, unless I win. - Right.

54. I gotta tell you, I'm having a blast.

55. I always knew I was probably good at something,

56. but I never knew what it was.

57. Thanks to Katrina, I've finally realized I'm good at people liking me.

58. That's great, and you know I'm so happy for you,

59. but do you have to be the pro-fracking candidate?

60. Diane, this is the campaign.

61. Nothing anyone says during a campaign matters.

62. It's just promising a bunch of stuff to get people to vote for you.

63. Then when you get an office, you can do whatever you want.

64. - Democracy in action. - Mark my words—

65. the only fracking that's going to be happening

66. - is in this bedroom. - All right, guy.

67. I'm gonna drill you deep, and fill you with a mysterious substance

68. that scientists still don't quite understand the ramifications of.

69. - This isn't sexy for me— aaah! - Did someone say "busy day"?

70. No one said "busy day," Katrina. What did we say about knocking?

71. It wastes vital seconds we'll never get back?

72. Anyway, everyone who isn't me needs to shut up right now.

73. - No one else was talking. - I actually have good news for once.

74. CNN released a poll today, and for the first time ever,

75. - Mr. Peanutbutter is up. - Damn!

76. Wow! Am I John Davidson, Cathy Lee Crosby

77. and Fran Tarkenton right now, because that's—

78. We don't have time for the reference you're setting up.

79. We're doing a presser in 30. Go downstairs, get some breakfast.

80. Yeah! Breakfast!

81. Am I Emilio Estevez, Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson, the principal...

82. - Just get breakfast! - All right!

83. Don't you forget about me.

84. - Diane, you look sad. - We were kind of in the middle of—

85. No, I'm saying you look sad.

86. Maybe you need to put on foundation, blush around the cheeks or something.

87. What the...? Huh?

88. Aaah! Aaah!

89. What's going on down here?

90. I was trying to make you breakfast to thank you for letting me stay here!

91. I put a Pop-Tart in the microwave!

92. - Did you take the foil off? - No! I was doing it popcorn style!

93. It's all right, it's not your fault. Making food is impossible.

94. Let's get out of here and take you to your mom's house.

95. Should we do something about the fire?

96. Just leave it. It'll tire itself out eventually.

97. So, who is this lady?

98. It's actually a cute story. She was the president of my fan club.

99. You had sex with the president of your fan club?

100. Yeah. "Oh, my God, what a monster!"

101. I slept with someone who loved me more than anybody else

102. and dedicated her life to knowing things about me and caring about me.

103. How could I be so shallow?

104. You're right, I'm sorry. Finish your cute story.

105. That was the whole story.

106. She was the president of my fan club, I had sex with her.

107. Then I didn't think about her for 18 years, and here we are.

108. Good news, the results are in!

109. - Oh! - Bad news, the results are bad.

110. Like an omelet bar at a mongoose convention,

111. you are running dangerously low on eggs.

112. How many do I have left?

113. Well, let's just say it's more than Harry Potter movies,

114. but fewer than James Bond movies.

115. - Doctor, no! - What do you recommend?

116. Hmm. Have you considered impregnating a younger woman?

117. No, I want to do it with this woman.

118. You could try throwing money at the problem.

119. You're gonna want pre-natal vitamins, cervical mucus boosters,

120. a "You Can Do It!" poster, and an iOvulate.

121. - "iOvulate"? - Let's hope so!

122. This state-of-the-art bracelet tracks your cycle

123. and also gives you up-to-date info on your ovulation.

124. Plus, it's voiced by Harvey Fierstein.

125. Hello, I'm Harvey Fierstein. Let's put a baby in you.

126. Ooh!

127. BoJack?

128. Marcy, hey.

129. - I knew it. I knew you'd come back. - Right. Um...

130. here's a very specific question: after we had sex,

131. did you by any chance get pregnant and put a baby up for adoption?

132. - Yes. - Wait, really?

133. Oh, my God, you're my mother. Can I hug you?

134. - I'm hugging my mother. - Wow.

135. BoJack, I'm sorry, I really wanted to tell you.

136. But when I called the number that you gave me,

137. it was for a sandwich shop in Temecula.

138. Wha...? That's so weird. You must have dialed it wrong.

139. And then I thought, well, you know, sooner or later you'd call me.

140. Yeah, yeah, I was gonna, but then, you know, 9/11 happened...

141. - Can you ever forgive me? - I think so.

142. Oh! I'm so sorry. Where are my manners? Please come in.

143. And that was just such a tough time for our country...

144. So, once we introduced vicious knife-play into our routine,

145. it really gave our sex life the edge.

146. Love it, crooshed it.

147. So the article is just about a happy marriage with a healthy sex life?

148. We already have Raquel's piece about 69 days of sixty-nining.

149. - Uh-huh! - So croosh.

150. What about our readers who aren't having sex with their husbands?

151. Isn't this just gonna make them feel bad?

152. Not everyone gets to have great sex all the time, right?

153. Ladies?

154. Diane? Can I talk to you in your office for a minute?

155. I don't have an office.

156. You said offices have corners and corners are the patriarchy.

157. Fine. Can I talk to you in the hot-take, cool-down yoga area?

158. You seem tense.

159. Have you been eating gluten and also not having sex with your husband?

160. Whoa, Stefani, that's not—

161. Diane, relax! This is not a conversation between an employee and her superior.

162. This is a conversation between a friend and her superior.

163. The campaign has been testing our marriage.

164. Obviously, it's great to see Mr. Peanutbutter so excited,

165. and I am supporting that.

166. But if I'm being honest,

167. I can't wait for it to be over so things can go back to normal.

168. - Hmm. And what happens if he wins? - He's not going to win.

169. Did you see the new CNN poll this morning?

170. He could win. People do love fracking.

171. It's fun to say! "Frack! Frack! Fricky-fricky-frack"

172. People wouldn't love saying it if they understood what it actually was.

173. - So tell them. - I can't go against my husband.

174. What the frack? Why not? You gotta do you, girl.

175. I always say, you gotta do you.

176. And if he's doing him, then who's doing you?

177. Because right now, it seems like no one's doing you.

178. and then when I was eight,

179. Lizzie Dunbar's mom rented us all Freaky Friday for a sleepover,

180. and I got really sad because I realized I didn't have a mom to switch bodies with.

181. Am I talking a lot? I feel I'm talking a lot.

182. - Yes. - Oh! I need to show you something.

183. Okay, so this may seem cuckoo,

184. but I was so head over heels in love with your father

185. that after we made sweet love, and he didn't call me again,

186. I just got so jealous, so I made a list of every girl he was with...

187. and I found their home addresses...

188. - Oh. - ... and drew Xs over their eyes.

189. I'm loving this conversation but I have to go the bathroom now,

190. for non-me being weirded out by this conversation-related reasons.

191. I just keep thinking about how different things would have been

192. if you'd have just called me.

193. We could have had a family together for 18 loving years.

194. - That might have— - BoJack!

195. Kids. What?

196. Can you join me in the bathroom for a minute?

197. What? No!

198. - Do you want me, sweetheart? - No, it's a dad bathroom thing.

199. Uh... Hollyhock?

200. That woman is not my mother. She's lying to us!

201. Marcy? No way!

202. Look. This is from the premiere of Autumn in New York.

203. That movie came out in August of 2000. I was born in September.

204. Does this woman look eight months pregnant to you?

205. Why would they release a romantic drama called Autumn in New York

206. in the middle of summer?

207. Richard Gere had just done Runaway Bride,

208. Winona Ryder was hot off Girl, Interrupted

209. - so the studio got cocky. - How do you know all this?

210. I looked it up on the Internet because I saw this picture

211. and got confused why Marcy would wear a summer dress

212. to a movie called Autumn in New York.

213. This is a summer dress? I guess I don't know dresses.

214. BoJack, focus! That's not my mom!

215. So the lesson here is I was right to never call her.

216. - Wait, so who— - Are you okay in there?

217. - Don't come in! - Yes! Father-daughter bathroom time!

218. The scrapbook! She has that list of all the other women you slept with.

219. If we get the book, we can find my mom.

220. Give me a few minutes. I'll distract her, then you sneak in and grab the book.

221. Okay.

222. And what was the first appearance of the Horse's identical cousin?

223. Season eight, episode four.

224. Yeah, yeah. That's right. What was the horse's boss's name?

225. - What are you doing? - Oh, my God!

226. You're not supposed to see this. Look away!

227. It's okay, Hollyhock. This is what Mommy and Daddy do.

228. - Ugh! You said give you a few minutes! - I didn't think it would take this long.

229. I usually finish faster.

230. - You're disgusting! - That's what I needed.

231. - Can I please have a grasshopper? - Yes?

232. So the studio finished Mars Attacks! without him.

233. And since no one ever found a body,

234. my client Tony Tromboni has been making movies

235. - under the name Tim Burton ever since. - Oh!

236. I'm Harvey Fierstein.

237. Your ovulation window is closing soon. Please commence copulation.

238. Oh, fish! We gotta go.

239. - Can't we finish lunch? - You heard the bracelet.

240. Okay, well, uh, let me get the check.

241. - There's no time for that! Ralph! - We gotta pay for our—

242. I have an egg inside me that is ripe to be fertilized.

243. His name is Philbert.

244. - Princess Carolyn— - Uh-uh! Philbert Stilton,

245. and he's going to be sweet and smart and a phenom on the clarinet,

246. and one day you'll be driving him home from band practice

247. and he's going to all of a sudden say something so insightful and true

248. that you'll be positively floored it came out of the mouth of your son.

249. But if you don't take me home right now and impregnate me,

250. then Philbert will never exist.

251. Okay, let's go.

252. - You told me to distract her. - We don't need to talk about it.

253. So now that we got the list, we gotta go see all these other women?

254. Not all of them, just the ones you didn't see

255. in the nine months after you had sex with them.

256. - That's gonna be most of them. - Yeah, figures.

257. Ooh!

258. Tilda Madison? You dated the Timedium, Tuesdays at 9:00 on CBS?

259. I never understood that show. What's a Timedium?

260. She's a medium,

261. but she can also travel through time and she solves crimes.

262. That's so stupid. She time-travels and she's a medium?

263. But the one crime she can't solve is her husband's murder.

264. So my name is Hollyhock and I love apples but hate applesauce, too slimy.

265. I was the captain of the JV soccer team—

266. BoJack, why did you bring this child into my sanctum?

267. I can make this real quick.

268. Did you give up my secret baby in the year 2000?

269. Oh, BoJack, do you recall the impetus for our uncoupling?

270. Is every one of these gonna be a whole thing?

271. You were a cad and a boor.

272. But your fits of sardonic japery amused, to a point, until you impregnated me.

273. Suddenly, I was awash in dreams of idealized domesticity.

274. But when I told you I was with child,

275. I received a check in the mail for $200 with the memo line,

276. "BoJack's half of the abortion."

277. So you put me up for adoption?

278. Child, no. I had the abortion.

279. Nice. You don't want any little BoJacks floating around.

280. Last thing this world needs is more of this garbage.

281. - Uh, excuse me? - No, you're great, you seem cool,

282. but if we could go back in time and prevent it...

283. Right?

284. Hollyhock, I didn't mean...

285. By the way, your show sucks. Should be called Tedium.

286. Your uterus contains the secrets of life, the ability to create.

287. - Go, go! Oh, God! - I'm going!

288. At this point, your ovum has burst out of the swollen follicle,

289. traveled down the long gentle river of the fallopian tube,

290. and been welcomed by the warm embrace of the silk-lined uterus.

291. No, no, no.

292. You must fertilize that precious ovum now or it will disintegrate into nothingness.

293. Hit the gas! Do it for Philbert!

294. Pull over your vehicle, now!

295. Oh, fish!

296. So in conclusion, I don't think California is the greatest state in the country.

297. But it can be.

298. Beautifully put. I'd like to drill down, as it were,

299. - on the subject of fracking. - Drill away.

300. Now, mere hours ago your wife, Diane Nguyen,

301. seen here eating a messy sandwich,

302. published an essay online titled "The Case Against Fracking"

303. in which she posits, quote...

304. "If these frack-happy politicians even knew how dangerous it was,

305. they wouldn't allow it in their own backyards."

306. - Diane wrote that? - Damn.

307. Mr. Peanutbutter, your wife has issued a challenge.

308. Would you allow fracking in your own backyard?

309. I would.

310. Joining us now via Periscope is Frankie Flackery,

311. foreman and spokesyak for Flackery Will Get You Everywhere

312. industrial drilling company.

313. - How are ya? - Flackery Flack, let's talk frack.

314. Mr. Peanutbutter has invited you to drill on his property.

315. - Uh— - Will you take him up on this invitation?

316. - I could have a team there this afternoon. - Oh...

317. Ready when you are, boys!

318. Sir, I apologize. We are very eager to get home.

319. You were going 36 miles per hour. The speed limit here...

320. is 35.

321. - Yes. - Now, I'm no mathematician.

322. - I'm just a humble officer of the law. - Okay.

323. So you tell me, is 36 below 35 or is it above 35?

324. Just write us a ticket and let us go.

325. Now, now, talking back to Officer Meow Meow is a major no-no.

326. Hello! Harvey Fierstein here.

327. Oh! Who said that? Is there another man in your vehicle?

328. - Hello? - Show yourself, fiend!

329. We don't have time for this! I'm in heat!

330. Ma'am, you need to calm down!

331. Don't tell me to calm down or call me ma'am!

332. Just write us a goddamn ticket so I can go home and mount my boyfriend!

333. That's enough! Out of the car, all three of you!

334. Obviously, I didn't mean you.

335. You're giving me the silent treatment?

336. I guess I have thin skin.

337. Must be the half of me that's made of garbage.

338. Well, who else is on this list?

339. Stacy, Fabiana... Tonya Harding? She is not gonna be happy to see me.

340. She said sleeping with me is the worst thing she ever did.

341. I'm sorry it's so unpleasant for you

342. to have to interact with women you were shitty to.

343. I don't understand why we're even doing this.

344. You're never gonna switch bodies with your mom.

345. That ship has sailed and is also impossible.

346. - Pull over the car. - No.

347. - Pull over now! - Jesus. Fine.

348. - I'm gonna do the rest of this on my own. - No. Hollyhock.

349. I got the list. I don't need you anymore. Have a bad life.

350. Joke's on you, I already have one!

351. Oh no. No. No, no.

352. Where's Mr. Peanutbutter?

353. He's giving a stump speech on the subject of stumps.

354. Turns out he's pro. Great for sitting.

355. I'd be careful with that faucet, the water comes out very hot

356. because of the fracking.

357. Aaah! How could you let him do this?

358. You're the one who called his bluff. Don't do that.

359. - This just makes my job harder. - I didn't "call his bluff." I just—

360. Woman, you have one job: be his wife, be supportive.

361. I am being supportive.

362. Was that you being supportive today with that piece you wrote

363. - for your stupid girl website? - It's called Girl Croosh.

364. "Stoopid Gurl" is just a subsection of the main site.

365. And my piece wasn't about Mr. Peanutbutter, specifically.

366. I'm gonna cut this conversation short, my time is more important than yours.

367. This goes one of two ways.

368. Either you shut up and be pretty, or your approximation of that,

369. or don't support him, he resents you, your marriage implodes.

370. - Pick your poison. - Damn!

371. Not that I get to vote, but from one Mrs. Peanutbutter to another,

372. it's been really fun for me to watch this new marriage fall apart.

373. - We're not. - So thank you, Diane,

374. for that tiny sliver of mint in the smoothie of dogshit

375. that is trying to get that popular idiot elected.

376. Good night.

377. Damn!

378. I'm Harvey Fierstein,

379. and I hope you're almost done having sex

380. because your ovulation cycle will soon be ending.

381. Huh.

382. I'm sorry we couldn't get home in time.

383. - Your lawyer, he's good? - The best.

384. Then you know what we have to do?

385. Oh!

386. - For Philbert? - For Philbert.

387. What are you doing back there? Hey!

388. - Sorry you have to be here for this. - Keep your eyes on the road.

389. Hey! You two cut that out!

390. I'll write you up for lewd conduct. Lewd, crude and partially nude!

391. Not to mention the rude 'tude of you two dudes, while this prude...

392. - Hey, listen to me! - Whoa!

393. And so the dance of life continues apace.

394. I'm Harvey Fierstein, bidding you a sexy good evening.

395. No!

396. Can I get my check now?

397. Alone, at last. Thank God.

398. Fine, fine, fine.

399. Hi, Fabiana. Before you slam the door—

400. Did a young horse girl come by here, about yay high?

401. You're still mad about your dad's funeral? That was 18 years ago!

402. Thank you, Tonya. I know we've had our differences,

403. but seeing you always leaves me weak in the knees.

404. Hollyhock.

405. - Was that her? - Ugh! No.

406. I talked to 23 women today and none of them were my mother.

407. - How did you find me? - I went to everyone on that list.

408. You talked to all those women? Some of them—

409. - Really haven't aged well, I know. - I was gonna say, really hate you.

410. Oh, yeah, that too. But I needed to find you.

411. To tell you I'm sorry,

412. for being such an asshole then and also now.

413. This whole thing was stupid. I never should have come out here.

414. And I don't even care about having a mom, really.

415. Because I did fine for 17 years without one.

416. I don't need a mom.

417. Hollyhock, it's okay to want a mom.

418. No, it's not! Because that means my dads weren't enough for me, and they are!

419. I know I just met you, but if you do have

420. any of the old Horseman gunk bouncing around in that brain of yours,

421. I gotta tell you right now you should give up on looking for "enough"

422. because it will never be enough.

423. Eww!

424. - Stop that. - I know, it's stupid.

425. - There, there. - You are so bad at this.

426. What do your dads say when you cry?

427. They say it's okay to cry,

428. and that I shouldn't feel bad about feeling bad.

429. Well, that— that's good advice, right?

430. They're really good dads. I should probably get back to them.

431. Oh. You don't have to leave right away.

432. Why don't you just stay with me a bit longer?

433. At least until we find your mom.

434. How are we supposed to do that? Every name on that list was a dead end.

435. Oh...

436. Yeah. But what if I told you there's a name that isn't on that list?

437. Someone Marcy never knew about.

438. What? Where is she now?

439. I don't know. But you can stay with me while we try to find her?

440. Okay. Yeah. What's her name?

441. Her name was Brown Car... la.

442. Carla Mercedes Benz... Brown.

443. "Carla Mercedes Benzbrown"? Weird name.

444. - You've got a weird name. - I guess you're right.

445. Maybe that's the first thing we'll talk about when I meet her.

446. Mm-hmm?

447. Diane, I know. I'm sorry about the trucks, but you didn't give me much choice.

448. I know these last few days have been crazy.

449. - But this is the hard part. - I need you to drop out of the race.

450. - What? - Please, Mr. Peanutbutter.

451. This isn't worth it.

452. I hear what you're saying

453. and I will try to be more conscientious of your needs.

454. - Drop out of the race. - Because your needs are important.

455. I've written another piece for Girl Croosh.

456. It's called "The Case Against Mr. Peanutbutter."

457. When I hit this button, the post goes live.

458. Diane, don't.

459. I don't want to. And I won't, if you drop out of the race.

460. Jesus, Diane. You can't do that.

461. Because you're the only one allowed to make decisions for this family?

462. No. Because it's gonna come off as a weird lovers' spat

463. and it's just going to embarrass everyone.

464. - Well, I'm sorry if I embarrass you. - Oh, come on.

465. You told me you weren't going to frack, and now I can't

466. turn on a faucet in my own home without getting third-degree burns.

467. Oh, I get it. So like always, you're mad at someone,

468. so your solution is to air your dirty laundry for everyone to see.

469. No. This is not about us. I don't want you to be governor

470. because you would be bad at it, because you don't stand for anything.

471. No!

472. Hey!

473. Don't you dare. Robert Blake gave me that mug.

474. No! Oh, you...

475. - I don't... - Shut up. Take off your shirt.

476. Frack me, Mr. Peanutbutter!

477. Frack me!