BoJack Horseman 4x3

1. Oh.

2. - He'll be here. - But his part is in 16 bars.

3. Excuse me. Sorry!

4. I heard before he played triangle he was in a prison gang.

5. I heard he was a tech millionaire.

6. There is a rumor he is a foreign prince.

7. - His name is Todd Chavez.

8. And he's the most giving man the world has ever known.

9. He saved my pregnant daughter from drowning in a shipwreck,

10. then he delivered her baby while they rode on a piece of driftwood.

11. - And then he circumcised her baby

12. while they both hung from the ladder of the rescue helicopter.

13. - Of course, before he did,

14. Todd Chavez explained that circumcision has somewhat fallen out of vogue.

15. They had a spirited but respectful debate,

16. and by the end my daughter decided that since we are of Jewish heritage,

17. the boy might like to have the option to become religious if he so chooses.

18. Sounds like he really helped your daughter

19. make the decision that was right for her family.

20. And last year, when our triangle player died of starvation

21. after getting his foot stuck in his triangle,

22. Todd Chavez took over because we needed him.

23. - What a guy! - He is always helping others.

24. You know, sometimes when that triangle part is coming up,

25. I find myself hoping he won't show up.

26. No man should be asked to give that much.

27. - He is truly the best of all of— - Whoa!

28. Oh, hey, guys. I was eating a taco earlier and I got salsa on my shirt.

29. I went to clean it off, but then when I put my hands in the automatic dryer

30. I forgot I was still holding the taco.

31. I got my hands all greasy,

32. so I couldn't open the doorknob for an hour.

33. What you guys talking about?

34. So then at 11:00 you're gonna be giving a policy speech on fracking.

35. Fracktastic!

36. Meanwhile, all this talk of whatever it is you're talking about

37. - is making me hungry. - Mmm?

38. Cheese? Yes, please!

39. Todd, don't distract Mr. Peanutbutter with your weird pocket cheeses.

40. The issue is fracking and the people really want to know your opinion.

41. Well, then, color me "the people"

42. because I would also like to know my opinion.

43. You don't have one yet. The polling research comes in today

44. and that will decide whether you're for or against fracking.

45. Here's a thought: maybe be against fracking.

46. - It's terrible! - Diane.

47. Just my opinion. You don't tell me how to do my job.

48. Also, fracking is the worst. I can't believe you'd even consider endorsing it.

49. None of my business. Gotta get to work. Love you!

50. - Bye, hon! - But seriously, seriously,

51. if you come out in support of fracking I'm gonna be super upset. Bye!

52. Where you stand on the issue doesn't really matter.

53. What's important is that you seem sincere and emphatic.

54. Ohh. Are you a fan of charming but inessential Will Smith movies?

55. Because, slight Hitch, I always show I'm empathic

56. by taking off my glasses dramatically, but I kinda lost them.

57. Wow! This must be what I'd look like to a starving shipwrecked person.

58. When did you last see the glasses?

59. I was in a meeting with Princess Carolyn.

60. She was saying I'm always forgetting stuff,

61. so I whipped off my glasses, looked her square in the eye and said,

62. "I never forget a thing."

63. I might have left my glasses there.

64. Todd, you never do anything.

65. Why don't you take the campaign bus over to VIM

66. and get Mr. Peanutbutter's glasses? Can you handle that?

67. I never know if I can handle anything.

68. That's what makes my life so exciting.

69. - Mr. Peanutbutter, there's a delivery!

70. He's busy! Just sign for it.

71. I can't sign for another man's mail.

72. That's how I ended up with the cremains of Cornelius Vanderbilt.

73. It all started when a young Todd— I don't have time for this!

74. I've got a job to do.

75. It's Todd! - It's me!

76. You are just the guy I need. You know the actress Courtney Portnoy?

77. I think so. She portrayed the formerly portly consort in The Seaport Resort?

78. Courtly roles like the formerly portly consort

79. are Courtney Portnoy's forte, but she's got a new action movie

80. that's supposed to change her image: Ms. Taken.

81. You know Mr. Taken from the Taken movies?

82. - This is his niece. - Nice!

83. This was supposed to be Courtney's crossover coronation.

84. But that's sort of been thwarted, unfortunately,

85. 'cause Courtney's purportedly falling short

86. of shoring up four-quadrant support.

87. Makes perfect sense so far.

88. The public sees her as out of touch.

89. We need to make her seem relatable, and the best way to do that

90. is to be seen dating a down-to-earth boring nobody like yourself.

91. You can do that, right? You're not doing anything.

92. I'm kind of busy today. I gotta pick up these glasses,

93. and then tonight there was this meeting I wanted to go to.

94. This will take no time, I promise. Meet her for lunch.

95. The paparazzi will show up, pop some razzis.

96. I do love getting my picture taken. It's proof I exist.

97. Marvelous! Judah, prepare the press release.

98. "Portnoy finds joy in hoi polloi boy toy."

99. Well, we didn't get the polling research on fracking—

100. - Here you go. - Thank you.

101. Because apparently when the delivery came someone wouldn't sign for it.

102. Ooh.

103. In the future, whenever anyone asks you to sign Mr. Peanutbutter's name,

104. - just sign it. - You got it, chief.

105. All right, Middle-Aged Yeller, here's what you're gonna do.

106. You're gonna give an impassioned speech on fracking

107. that doesn't actually take a stand either way on fracking.

108. Okay.

109. Good morning!

110. Let's talk fracking.

111. Everyone has very strong opinions about it,

112. and I want you all to know, right here and right now,

113. I am taking a stand.

114. - I am on... your side!

115. - What side is that, specifically? - Good question.

116. I am specifically on the side of the facts,

117. and also on the side of feelings.

118. - Well, I'm satisfied.

119. Oh, excuse me, would Mr. Peanutbutter

120. be willing to sign this letter to our state government?

121. Yes. I'll write his name on anything.

122. Oh, thank you so much.

123. And down goes Todd.

124. And up comes Todd!

125. Aah!

126. - Whoa! - Stay back!

127. Calm down, I'm not going to hurt you.

128. My name is Hollyhock Manheim-Mannheim Guerrero-Robinson-Zilberschlag

129. - Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack. - Wait, wait, wait.

130. - What's your first name? - Hollyhock.

131. And your last name?

132. Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson- Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack.

133. Got it.

134. - Wait, what's your last name? - I know, it's confusing.

135. - I have eight dads. - How'd that happen? Test tubes?

136. - No. I was adopted. - Oh, of course.

137. By eight men in a committed gay polyamorous relationship.

138. - Less of course. - But ever since I was a baby,

139. people always said I looked like BoJack Horseman.

140. - That's a terrible thing to say to a baby!

141. And I've always wondered if BoJack could be my biological... sperm guy.

142. I guess it's possible.

143. BoJack used to say his penis is like sun-dried tomatoes:

144. back in the '90s it got into everything.

145. I came to L.A. to get to the bottom of things.

146. I even bought a deluxe spy kit. Sorry about knocking you out.

147. Once you have chloroform, you can't not use it.

148. No, I get it. BoJack had one of those spy kits, too.

149. He mostly just used the chloroform on himself, though.

150. I read in his book that you live together.

151. - Can you help me find him? - Sorry. I don't live there anymore.

152. And no one knows where he's been for the last year.

153. I guess I don't have to meet him.

154. All I need is a DNA sample, like a piece of hair or something.

155. - I guess his house might have—

156. - Whoa! - Sorry again. It's just so fun.

157. Okay, there might be some hairs in the shower drain,

158. but hard to know who they belong to.

159. Everyone who has sex with BoJack usually takes a long shower afterwards.

160. - Hey, I think I see a hair.

161. Oh, no, BoJack.

162. - Yoink! - What the... was...

163. Okay. - Okay, let's blow.

164. Blow? Who's got blow? Save some for BoJack. Huh?

165. Wait, Todd? Oh, shit. Are you gonna yell at me? Can I have the blow first?

166. No. BoJack, there's no blow, okay? And I'm not going to yell at you.

167. And what is this?

168. I'm Hollyhock Manheim-Mannheim- Guerrero-Robinson-

169. Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack.

170. Of the New Haven Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson-

171. Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuacks?

172. That was a joke. Obviously, I've never heard of your family and/or law firm.

173. That was also a joke. Todd, who is this tough crowd you brought to my home?

174. - Um, BoJack, this is your daught... - Mm-mmm, mm-mmm!

175. dot-dot maid.

176. Way to build up the suspense.

177. To, uh, tidy up the place in case you came back.

178. You got me a maid? Thank you.

179. Here I thought Channing Tatum was a good neighbor

180. for picking up my mail while I was gone,

181. but you, and after all the things I did to you,

182. - I don't know how to tell you— - BoJack, we haven't talked in like a year,

183. and that's actually been kind of working for me.

184. So, maybe it's better if we just keep things like that, you know?

185. - Oh. Okay. So then why did you hire me—

186. Oh, yeah, deliver me.

187. You're welcome. Now go get that DNA tested.

188. Can you tell me if this is a match?

189. - A match with who? - Hollyhock.

190. Manheim-Mannheim-Gorilla-Rub-a-Dub-Dub Zoolander-Hallelujah-something-McDonald's?

191. Whatever those words are, I need a sample from her, too.

192. Duh!

193. Bring it in an hour. I gotta get to lunch.

194. Nothing like working with hair, blood, and semen all day

195. to work up an appetite, and it's already 1:00.

196. 1:00? I gotta go meet my fake girlfriend!

197. Oh, you have a fake girlfriend too?

198. Mine is a bunch of water balloons with a blonde wig.

199. I suppose a fancy restaurant like this

200. is too fancy for a common man such as yourself.

201. No, it's fine.

202. You'd probably like to take me someplace rough and primitive.

203. Uh... do you want me to take you somewhere else?

204. Well, if you must drag me on some barbaric adventure, I can't stop you.

205. There's a Pony Roma's at Universal CityWalk.

206. A chain restaurant? Oh, God, no, I'll be mugged.

207. I can't do this.

208. Todd, I can never be your dirty peasant girl, I'm sorry.

209. - I must abscond. - Wait, Courtney!

210. Scusi, sir, would you care for a sample

211. of my father's famous angel hair pomodoro?

212. Famous father? Hair? Sample?

213. - DNA? - I no say DNA.

214. I gotta get back to Hollyhock.

215. - Hollyhock, I need to get—

216. - Did you clean anything? - No.

217. But I am learning so much about my possibly-maybe birth father.

218. Like, did you know he has a shoebox in his closet full of bad reviews

219. for other people's TV shows?

220. So all you've done so far is snoop around?

221. I also ate a box of donuts, got sleepy and took a nap.

222. Yeah, I'm not sure we really need to do this DNA test.

223. Look, I didn't come all this way

224. to not find out who my biological father is.

225. Okay, fine, then I just need you to yank out a strand of hair

226. - so I can take it down to the lab. - No way! That sounds painful.

227. - Can't we just use your hair? - Um...

228. - No.

229. No, but I can pull out some of my hair at the same time,

230. - so you don't have to do it alone. - Okay, that sounds fair.

231. On three, we pull.

232. - One... two... three! - Ow!

233. Oh, wait, I have this whole comb full of hair in my bag.

234. - Duh!

235. - Todd, can I see you for a minute?

236. This maid is the worst. I passed out again for some reason.

237. When I woke up, the house was messier than when she started.

238. I don't mind someone else in the house with me,

239. in case I start choking on pills or have a funny take on current events

240. that demands an audience, but if she can't do her job, I gotta fire her.

241. You can't do that! Here, buzz up real nice,

242. take a nap, and while you're sleeping, I'll get the maid to clean

243. so no one has to fire anyone.

244. Well, we did it.

245. What? I'm helping. I'm cleaning out his DVR. Get it?

246. - Okay, but you got it, right?

247. Todd's phone, home of the Todd.

248. You quarter-wit. Turn on the news.

249. I don't want to be a manners police, but a "hello" would be nice.

250. The letter, signed by Mr. Peanutbutter himself,

251. - in full, unambiguous support of fracking. - Ooh.

252. The gubernatorial hopeful has until now played coy

253. on the controversial issue of fra...

254. What happened? Randy pass out on his keyboard?

255. Oh, he did? Oh, my God, is he okay?

256. Well, did someone call Cynthia? No one called Cynthia?

257. For Christ's sake, this isn't just a newsroom, this is a family!

258. Jeez, I hope Randy's okay.

259. Forget Randy. Did you sign that letter for Mr. Peanutbutter?

260. Yes. Should I have not done the thing you literally told me to do?

261. Well, I guess we're pro-fracking now.

262. Hey, buddy, I just want you to know

263. that while Katrina is filled with white-hot frustration

264. as she has been for much of this campaign, I'm not mad.

265. I'm just nervous about what Diane will do when she finds out.

266. But I've got a plan, and it stars you!

267. What? You want me to keep Diane away from the TV, radio, and Internet?

268. Ohh! That's a way better idea than I had. Yeah, do that.

269. Hollyhock, I gotta run.

270. I'll try to get the hairs tested today. Just stay here and act maid-like.

271. - Ah, okay.

272. Hey, look at me! I'm dancing. The time is now! Don't miss out!

273. Okay, Todd, that's some good dancing, but I've got work to do

274. and you've been dancing for... 55 minutes?

275. - What is this? - It's a new dance.

276. I call it the... come on, stall, Todd.

277. Gotta think of something to call this fake dance you just made up.

278. Samba.

279. That's amazing, and you're amazing, and I want your pores.

280. Diane, I adored your sad little story on refugees.

281. We have so many articles about things people care about.

282. It's like supes refreshing to see something that doesn't make you click,

283. but it does make you think.

284. Well, it's not like nobody clicks on my articles.

285. You don't care if people read your work or not. That's what's so brave about you.

286. You inspire me to be my fiercest self.

287. Buh-buh-buh-bye!

288. Todd's phone. I know when that Toddline bling.

289. What happened at the restaurant?

290. You disappeared before the paparazzi even got there.

291. The whole point was to get a picture with her.

292. Oh! Oops.

293. Uh, you want me to draw a picture from memory?

294. How tall is she? What is she, like, eight feet?

295. Okay, plan B.

296. She's gonna be at the Sharc Jacobs fashion show in 30 minutes.

297. There's an empty seat there for her boyfriend, you.

298. Be there, get the photo. Got it? Click.

299. So, I gotta go.

300. How do I make people care about important stuff

301. when all they want to do is read articles about who got slayed

302. and who owned at the VMAs?

303. When I need Mr. Peanutbutter to take his heartworm pills,

304. I always hide it in cheese so he doesn't know

305. he's doing something he hates.

306. What if you take your important stuff and hide it in some juicy gossip?

307. That's actually a really good idea.

308. But... I don't know any gossip and I wouldn't even know where to look.

309. The Internet?

310. No! Look at me!

311. Because I have potentially earth-shattering inside info!

312. That beloved famous person, uh...

313. Channing Tatum may have an illegitimate daughter

314. that's also a Cordovian refugee.

315. - Are you serious? - I have these two hairs.

316. One is from Channing, the other is from a baby.

317. If the DNA lab confirms a match, you have your story.

318. Thanks, Todd. I owe you one.

319. Okay, but if it's a match, please call me first.

320. 'Cause, uh— 'cause I love juicy gossip.

321. Where am I supposed to go? Okay.

322. " El Entrance?"

323. Gracias, sign. Muy bien.

324. - [whispering, murmuring] - Um...

325. - Good heavens! What's this?

326. Uh... okay.

327. And this is how I walk...

328. He's so normal.

329. Uh... hmm... uh...

330. Where's the hollow look of someone forced to starve themselves

331. to fit our unrealistic expectation of what beauty should be?

332. He is not making it work.

333. - No! Wait! - Huh?

334. Isn't fashion supposed to be for everyone?

335. That behatted boy is right.

336. Fashion was never meant to be an inherently elitist form.

337. We need to return fashion to its utilitarian roots.

338. Give it back to the people!

339. Todd's phone. Leave a message at the Todd.

340. The DNA matched!

341. Looks like a wide variety of screen roles

342. isn't the only thing Channing brought life to.

343. It's a match? I gotta tell Holly... woo agents

344. to keep their eyes peeled for a refugee baby

345. with abs to die for.

346. Nick, tell Janae to stock the warehouse with red hoodies.

347. - This is the look of the future. - Couch-surfer couture!

348. Where's Hollyhock? I need to talk to her.

349. - She's in maid heaven. - She's dead?

350. Sorry, I meant she belongs in maid heaven because she is a cleaning angel.

351. - Where is she? - I sent her to Channing Tatum's house

352. to pay him back for collecting my mail while I was out of town.

353. Looks like I missed quite a deal at Pottery Barn.

354. Life is but an endless series of missed opportunities,

355. some involving Pottery Barn.

356. Okay, I'm gonna—

357. Can you believe this? Mr. Peanutbutter's running for governor.

358. I can believe it, because I've been around for the last year.

359. Right. How's Diane feel about that?

360. You could ask her yourself. Does she even know you're back?

361. I wanted to call her, but I'm just not ready.

362. Nobody knows I'm back except you.

363. And Channing Tatum, and my pills guy,

364. and my booze guy, my weed guy, my coke guy,

365. some smartass at Pizza Hut who deserved an in-person finger-wagging,

366. - and my maid. - And now she's at Channing Tatum's house?

367. I came back because I wanted to fix things,

368. - but now I don't know if I can. - Uh-huh.

369. I've been so lucky to have people in my life who care about me.

370. I don't deserve any of them.

371. I definitely don't deserve to have a friend as amazing

372. and generous and forgiving and thoughtful as...

373. - Yeah? Oh. - Channing Tatum.

374. I'm only gonna hurt him like I've hurt everyone else.

375. I was a fool to think I could just jump back into a new relationship.

376. Can you go over to Channing Tatum's house, tell him I won't be his friend?

377. I can't break another heart. Not today, not Channing.

378. Okay.

379. - Hollyhock, I need to tell you something. - Did you get the results?

380. 'Cause I'm really looking forward to dropping this whole maid thing,

381. even though I'm kind of nailing it.

382. Are you sure you want to know? I don't know if BoJack is ready

383. for a normal relationship with anyone.

384. Oh.

385. Well, that's fine. I don't want a relationship.

386. I already have eight dads.

387. It's not like a ninth dad is what I need to suddenly fill a hole in my life

388. that the unconditional love of eight dads couldn't already fill.

389. Well, then good news.

390. I got the results and...

391. it's not a match.

392. - Oh. Really? - Yeah. Good news, right?

393. I shouldn't have come here.

394. Papa Steve told me this was a bad idea.

395. But Papa Greg said, "Follow your heart."

396. Then Papa Dashawn said, "I agree with Greg."

397. Daddy Quackers said, "Let's put it to a vote, quack-quack."

398. Hello? Anybody home? - Get down! Go, go, go! Shh.

399. I can hear someone in there. Channing?

400. Jenna Dewan? Their daughter, Everly Elizabeth?

401. Uh, it's me... Channing Tatum.

402. I'm in the middle of, uh, channing right now,

403. but you can come back... tatum?

404. Listen, I'm a reporter.

405. I tested your DNA against another sample's DNA,

406. and apparently the two are related.

407. - You're a father. - Wait, what?

408. - Okay. Thanks! - Todd.

409. I was going to write a story and drag your name through the mud

410. just because I thought a couple more people would click on an article I wrote.

411. But I don't think that's the kind of journalist I want to be.

412. Maybe I'm not cut out for this line of work.

413. Sorry to bother you.

414. Uh...

415. Hey, I obviously don't know you because I am Channing Tatum,

416. the guy from Green Lantern or whatever,

417. and you are a nobody, but you came all the way over here

418. to warn me about something you hadn't even written yet.

419. You ask me, movie star Channing Tatum,

420. I'd say you're exactly the kind of journalist we need in this world.

421. Wow!

422. That doesn't sound at all like Channing Tatum's voice,

423. but that is the kind of thing I would want Channing Tatum to say to me,

424. so thanks, Channing.

425. Love half your movies!

426. That was a close one, huh, Hollyhock?

427. Todd's phone. What do you want?

428. So, I see lots of pictures of you at the fashion show,

429. - but none of you with Courtney. - Oh, crap!

430. - Hi. - Oh, hello.

431. Uh, why are you wearing my clothes?

432. These aren't anything like your clothes. This hat alone cost $50,000.

433. Oh. So, uh... what's it like being a movie star?

434. It's awfully trying.

435. Do you ever feel like everyone's looking at you

436. - but nobody sees you? - Yeah, that's exactly how I feel.

437. No, I was speaking rhetorically about a feeling that only movie stars get.

438. Ohh.

439. - Okay. - But it feels good to talk about it.

440. Yeah. Talking's good.

441. You know, there was a meeting I was supposed to go to tonight,

442. but I don't think I'm gonna go. I don't know if I'm ready.

443. Ready for what?

444. What if it's not everything I want it to be?

445. Sometimes the idea of something is better than the truth, you know?

446. I always prefer fiction to truth, personally.

447. I've staked my career on it.

448. Yeah, that makes sense.

449. - Ha hah! - Smile for the birdie.

450. Hey, Courtney, you canoodling with a supermodel now?

451. - That's right. - Fancy.

452. I love how not down-to-earth you are together.

453. This is going to really make headlines when you two break up.

454. Here's an even bigger headline: we shan't be breaking up.

455. - We're engaged! - Wowee!

456. Hooray! I'm confused!

457. Hollyhock? Are you here?

458. No, but BoJack, who lives here, is here.

459. BoJack, I gotta tell you, um...

460. - Hollyhock is your daughter. - What do you mean?

461. - She's your daughter. - I don't understand.

462. She has Horseman DNA. You're her father.

463. That's impossible. I'm BoJack.

464. She didn't want me to tell you, but I thought you should know.

465. I guess I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to be my daughter either.

466. BoJack...

467. Look what I do to people I'm supposed to care about.

468. I had sex with the one person I've ever seen you be in love with.

469. I guess they're not gonna put you in the best friends hall of fame,

470. but I don't know that I loved her.

471. I don't think I'm allowed to be in love.

472. Don't say that. You do so much for everybody.

473. All you ever asked for was a roof over your head

474. and the occasional s'more in a baguette.

475. I'm telling you, it's a million-dollar idea.

476. I got more of you than I ever deserved.

477. If you never talk to me again I just want you to know

478. that I appreciate it, and I appreciate you.

479. - Thanks.

480. It was shitty what you did with Emily, but, um...

481. I think I'm... asexual.

482. A sexual what? Dynamo, deviant?

483. Harassment lawsuit waiting to happen?

484. No. Asexual, not sexual.

485. Ohh.

486. - I'm sure you think that's weird. - Are you kidding? That's amazing.

487. Sometimes I wish I was asexual.

488. Maybe then I wouldn't have a strain of herpes.

489. - You have multiple strains— - I know.

490. The joke only works with the "a".

491. It actually feels nice to finally say it out loud.

492. I am an asexual person.

493. - I am asexual. - That's great.

494. So if you're not mad about Emily—

495. It wasn't just Emily, BoJack,

496. and I don't know if I'm ready for us to be friends again yet.

497. - Oh. Okay. - But we can be more than not-friends.

498. You know, for an asexual,

499. more than not-friends is probably as good as it gets, right?

500. I'm not really at a place yet where I want to joke about it.

501. - Got it, got it, totally. - But it feels good to talk about it.

502. Well, if you ever need a place to crash, that couch—

503. - I'm gonna go. - Oh.

504. - Right now? - Welcome back, BoJack.

505. It's good to see you.

506. Uh...

507. Hmm.

508. Todd?

509. - Hmm.

510. Good for him.