1. I got into
this business because I love stories.
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2. They comfort us, they inspire us,
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3. they create a context
for how we experience the world.
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4. But also, you have to be careful,
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5. because if you spend
a lot of time with stories,
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6. you start to believe that life
is just stories, and it's not.
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7. Life is life, and that's so sad,
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8. because there's so little time and...
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9. what are we doing with it?
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10. Thank you.
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11. When Princess Carolyn told me
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12. we were pitching
to whattimeisitrightnow.com,
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13. I was excited,
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14. because in so many ways,
the story I'm about to tell is about time.
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15. And it's about time this story was told.
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16. - Ooh!
- Ahh!
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17. It's about Detective John Philbert,
a man from another time.
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18. But now he finds himself
in a new time.
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19. - I'm sorry, did you say newt time?
- No, no, new time.
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20. Oh, so it's not like a time full of newts?
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21. No.
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22. Unless you want it to be
a time full of newts.
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23. - No, no, no, no. I'm just clarifying.
- Okay.
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24. He finds himself in a time
he doesn't understand.
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25. - Don't call this number again.
- Wait. I— I just—
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26. My mother, she's senile,
and she was drugging the coffee.
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27. That's why— Just—
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28. I wanted you to know that
none of this was Hollyhock's fault.
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29. Goodbye, BoJack.
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30. A time in which he is alone.
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31. Perhaps, all this time,
he's been alone.
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32. - Except for the newts, right?
- Hmm.
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33. Yeah. Except for the newts.
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34. And then it dawns on him,
his partner isn't a ghost.
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35. Or is he?
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36. - Wow!
- As we like to say here,
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37. there are little hand ideas
and big hand ideas.
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38. And that's a big hand idea.
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39. And you said BoJack Horseman
is attached?
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40. What? Oh, yeah.
BoJack is attached.
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41. But he's not like "attached" attached.
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42. If you want us
to get somebody better—
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43. Oh, no, no, no.
We love BoJack.
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44. Yeah. We don't wanna do this
without BoJack, just to be clear.
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45. - Well—
- Oh, he's definitely attached.
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46. He signed a contract. I saw it myself.
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47. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.
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48. So if you look to the left, you'll see
a charming little breakfast nook.
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49. - Oh!
- Look at that!
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50. But if you want more natural light,
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51. you could knock down that wall
and put in these...
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52. - French doors!
- That is so cool!
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53. - You actually don't have to yell.
- Wait, Diane.
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54. Are we in the same house right now?
I don't see you.
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55. I can hear you.
I think we're close!
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56. You can't see each other
in the program.
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57. So I'm invisible?
Oh, in this scenario, am I a ghost?
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58. Of a Union soldier, perhaps,
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59. who cannot rest until
his final letter is delivered!
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60. And can I be
Anne of Green Gables?
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61. No, you're both still you.
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62. Diane, can I talk to you alone
for a moment?
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63. - Oh, I can step out—
- Sure!
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64. Why don't you meet me
in the guest bathroom? Ow!
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65. - You don't have to.
- Where's—
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66. - Hold on. I think—
- Guys, I can just—
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67. - Here we are.
- Diane?
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68. No. Careful. Okay.
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69. - Do you really love this house?
- Yeah, it's fine.
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70. I didn't love the old house,
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71. but it was your house and I moved in,
and it was great.
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72. But this is an opportunity
to build something together.
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73. Something that'll last
for the rest of our lives.
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74. Anything you want is gonna be good
with me. Just like your old house.
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75. But I don't want this to just be
another one of my houses.
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76. I want this to be our house.
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77. And it will be,
because we'll both be living in it.
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78. Mr. Peanutbutter,
I don't need anything fancy.
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79. All that matters to me
is that I get to live with you.
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80. - In the real world.
- Oh!
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81. No more campaign,
no more ex-wives.
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82. Just Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter,
back to normal.
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83. - For the rest of our lives.
- That sounds great.
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84. - We'll take it.
- One second, though,
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85. - I have to use the bathroom.
- No, no, no, that's not—
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86. You completely humiliated me
in front of Sha Na Na!
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87. How was I supposed to Sha Na know
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88. they were going to invite me
on the stage to do a guitar solo?
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89. You're supposed to be my dad.
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90. You're supposed to be
looking out for me.
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91. You're the worst dad in the world!
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92. Well, too bad
I'm the only dad you got.
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93. Huh?
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94. O.J. Simpson lawyer
and DNA expert Barry Scheck?
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95. - My car broke down.
- What?
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96. I guess it ran out of... juice.
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97. Hi. Yeah, my mom is a resident.
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98. I've still got a bunch of her stuff.
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99. Don't put me on hold.
Just take a message—
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100. Wait, wait!
You're a DNA expert?
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101. Could I use DNA
to find my real family?
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102. Well, sometimes,
DNA can be a tricky thing.
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103. Like, for example,
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104. was Simpson DNA found at the scene
of the murder of Nicole Brown?
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105. Sure. Was it O.J. Simpson's DNA?
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106. - Who's to say?
- Oh.
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107. Maybe it was some other Simpson,
like his son, or his father.
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108. There's no way to know.
I wouldn't worry about it.
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109. That's too much, man—
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110. - Oh.
- Hey, buddy.
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111. - Uh-oh.
- She had a long day... of drinking.
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112. I figured she shouldn't
drive herself home.
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113. - Good thinking.
- Yeah.
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114. I was right too,
because she crashed her car.
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115. What?
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116. I probably should've
said something, but...
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117. You need to get your shit together.
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118. Wha— Where am I?
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119. Okay, so you know how you're always
giving pep talks to people,
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120. telling them they need
to get their shit together?
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121. Well, this is me giving you
the Princess Carolyn pep talk.
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122. - Why am I tied up in the woods?
- So you can't escape my wise words.
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123. Is that not part of it?
I couldn't remember.
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124. It doesn't matter.
It's all over for me.
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125. When it gets out
I faked BoJack's signature,
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126. the deal's gonna fall apart.
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127. There goes my reputation, my career—
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128. Well, there's more to life
than just your career, isn't there?
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129. - Is there?
- Isn't there?
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130. I have nothing!
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131. Oh! This pep talk is going
in the wrong direction.
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132. Do you know how hard it is
to start a family at my age?
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133. - To find a guy at my age?
- You don't need a guy to start a family.
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134. You're Princess Carolyn.
You can do anything.
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135. No, I can't.
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136. Look, the woods are dark and scary,
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137. but the only way out is through.
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138. I'm sorry.
I got distracted by the woods.
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139. - Um, what were we talking about?
- No, you're right.
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140. The only way out is through.
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141. I gotta talk to BoJack.
I gotta stop feeling sorry for myself.
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142. I'm Princess Carolyn.
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143. That's the spirit!
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144. As my blood type always says,
"B" positive!
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145. - What was that?
- I don't know.
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146. - Oh!
- Oh!
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147. Hey, Doctor Picarello.
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148. Doctor Picarello, are you okay?
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149. Todd?
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150. So it turns out Vice Chancellor
Laughing Gassy got rabies
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151. from quarrelling with an old raccoon.
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152. And then he started biting everyone,
and now a bunch of them have rabies.
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153. Who could have predicted
my innocent clown dentist venture
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154. - could turn into something so terrifying?
- I don't see how this concerns me.
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155. Yolanda, the only reason
they're in the woods at all
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156. is because of you.
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157. If people find out the Better
Business Bureau is behind this,
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158. you don't think you'll be getting a buzz
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159. from the Business Branch
of the Board of Better Bureaus?
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160. You're right! We have to do something
before someone gets hurt.
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161. Call me four out of five dentists,
because I agree.
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162. What?
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163. Here we are.
The rest of our lives.
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164. Yeah, wow.
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165. - Do you wanna go to Hawaii?
- What? Right now?
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166. Yeah! When's the last time
we did something impulsive?
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167. Well, you did run for governor
without giving it much—
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168. I just think we could use a vacation.
Things have been so crazy this last year.
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169. Before we start the rest of our lives,
haven't we earned a break?
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170. All right. Let's go to Hawaii! They got
that bridge that's just sitting there.
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171. - We might as well use it.
- All right! Hawaii, here we come!
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172. - All right! Hawaii!
- Hawaii!
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173. Oh.
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174. So, listen.
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175. As you know, one of the differences
between agents and managers—
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176. - Oh, my God. Stop. Please stop.
- I'm producing a new TV show.
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177. It's a phenomenal script which may
or may not involve ghost or newts.
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178. - Does it involve ghost or newts?
- It may!
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179. - You haven't read it, have you?
- Read it? I'm producing it!
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180. - Right.
- It's this gritty, hard-boiled mystery—
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181. - Ugh! I'm so sick of mysteries.
- Right, well—
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182. They're impossible to figure out.
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183. Then all of a sudden, some random detail
makes the hero remember a conversation
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184. that totally re-contextualizes everything,
and then it all magically comes together.
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185. - Sure, but—
- It's such bullshit.
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186. Where's my random detail that's gonna
suddenly make everything make sense?
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187. Because I would love that.
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188. Well, this script is really special,
and everyone wants to play the lead,
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189. from Matthew McConaughey
to Matthew Perry.
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190. - Matthew Perry?
- Yeah. But I was thinking—
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191. Hold on. Matthew Perry...
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192. Hey, BoJack, which one
of these pictures more says,
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193. "This daughter looks like a cool lady
that I wanna have in my life"?
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194. Why do you ask?
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195. I'm writing a letter to my mom
and I want to include a picture.
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196. I'm going to send it
to the adoption agency.
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197. Maybe if they still have her address
on file, they can forward it to her.
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198. Seems like a long shot. How about
a better strategy is, don't do that,
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199. and then you won't be disappointed
when it doesn't work out?
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200. I'm trying everything.
I don't wanna look back at this
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201. and feel like the end
of "Chandler's List," you know?
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202. - You mean Schindler's List.
- Never saw it.
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203. I'm talking about "Chandler's List,"
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204. the sketch from when Matthew Perry
hosted SNL.
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205. - Remind me?
- Okay.
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206. So it's Chandler from Friends,
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207. and it's World War II,
and he's got this list.
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208. And the whole time, he's like,
"I'm Chandler!
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209. Could I have a bigger list?"
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210. But then at the end, the war's over,
and he's like...
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211. - "Could I have had a bigger list?"
- Whoa.
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212. He's haunted because he feels
like he could have done more.
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213. You know, he's like,
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214. "Could I be any more feeling
like I could have done more?"
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215. I have to go.
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216. Look, I'm trying to do you a favor here!
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217. Oh.
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218. Huh.
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219. Huh?
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220. Shh!
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221. Yes. Get the magazine.
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222. What a fine addition
to your waiting room.
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223. Oh, no!
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224. Oh, God.
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225. What are we gonna do, Todd?
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226. Guys, let's talk this out.
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227. Run. Ouchie! Ouchie!
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228. - Oh, man.
- I've never run that fast in my life.
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229. - Me neither.
- I gotta get in better shape.
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230. I keep saying I'm gonna run more,
but it's just so hard to stay motivated.
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231. Hmm.
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232. Don't "hmm." I'm talking to you.
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233. - Can you not start and stop so much?
- I can't control the traffic, darling.
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234. When the car in front of me starts,
I start. And when it stops, I stop.
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235. Maybe you don't have to start
every time the car in front of you starts,
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236. because you know it's gonna
stop again anyway.
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237. - You could leave a little space.
- Okay.
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238. And another car just cut in front of me
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239. because I left a little space.
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240. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm getting carsick.
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241. Okay. I'm gonna get some gas.
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242. All right. I got the lowdown.
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243. First of all, very important,
I got you this flattened penny.
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244. I will cherish it always.
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245. - I'm sorry for being annoying before.
- Don't worry about it.
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246. Here's the deal.
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247. With this traffic,
we can stay on our current trajectory
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248. and get to Hawaii just in time
to spend two luxurious hours
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249. at the Honolulu Stilton,
and then turn around and come back,
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250. or we can hang out here
at the Thrifty Lodge
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251. at this charming halfway to Hawaii
rest area and gas park.
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252. Excuse me,
we would like your finest room, please.
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253. - All our rooms are the same.
- What kind of cuisine is on premises?
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254. There's a deli at the gas station
across the street.
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255. - And what are your spa hours?
- There's no spa.
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256. Okay, if I wanted to have a big gala,
could I use your grand ballroom for that,
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257. or is that booked months in advance?
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258. I could settle for a demi-ballroom
in a pinch,
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259. but attire will be formal,
I don't wanna upstage the venue.
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260. We have zero ballrooms
in this Thrifty Lodge.
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261. I see. This will do nicely.
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262. Didn't you tell me once
you always wanted a ballroom?
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263. Actually, no.
What I wanted was a Belle-room.
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264. What is that? Like a room full of bells?
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265. It's a room full of big books,
with big windows and a ladder,
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266. like Belle got in Beauty and the Beast.
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267. - And it's called a Belle-room?
- It's called a library.
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268. But I called it a Belle-room
because it was magical.
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269. And since it was a name I made up
for a room that wasn't real,
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270. that meant that it was just mine.
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271. That's adora-Belle.
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272. - Hey, Seaborn! Seaborn!
- What's that?
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273. You're Seaborn's Seahorse Milk, right?
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274. Ha! That's right.
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275. Oh, man! Can I get a shellfie?
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276. That's like a shellfish version
of a selfie.
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277. - Hmm?
- Go, take a picture.
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278. It'll make their day.
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279. - You sure? You don't mind?
- I'll be in the room.
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280. Don't stay out
with your new friends too late.
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281. Hey, guys. I'm coming down.
What other of my things do you like?
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282. Wow, yeah!
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283. Okay, so...
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284. Oh.
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285. Hey.
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286. So the supplier said,
"I really oughta give Iowa a try."
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287. But I said, "Buddy, Kansas City's
about as far as I can go."
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288. Long story short,
we're meeting in St. Louis.
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289. Huh?
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290. - Hey!
- I need to talk to Hollyhock!
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291. - She's not here.
- You have to let me see her.
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292. Please, I flew all the way here
and it's Wichita,
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293. so it's not like
I got other shit to do in Wichita.
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294. No one told you to come here.
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295. You're the one
who likes foreign movies, right?
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296. That part in Amelie,
where she listens to the guy's story?
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297. This is that part.
And I'm the guy with the story.
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298. And I need you to be Amelie right now.
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299. I don't like foreign movies.
I like foreign films.
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300. Okay, you're impossible.
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301. The rest of you, please,
just listen for a second.
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302. I know you hate me.
But for Hollyhock, please, listen.
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303. Whole time she's staying with me,
it doesn't make sense, right?
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304. If I'm her father,
where is her mother?
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305. Well, that's an extremely
heteronormative way
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306. - of looking at things.
- No, I'm saying, medically,
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307. where is the woman I had sex with
that made her be born?
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308. Right? That's why Hollyhock
came to L.A. in the first place.
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309. Okay...
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310. But then I thought,
"What if I'm not her father?"
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311. You're not her father.
We are her fathers.
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312. You're her fathers. Yeah. I know, I know.
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313. Eight of you, each have
your own cute thing, I get it.
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314. My point is, Hollyhock and I
have the same DNA,
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315. but that doesn't mean I'm her father.
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316. You're not.
Because being a father isn't just—
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317. God, I feel like you are
willfully misunderstanding me.
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318. What I am saying is,
I'm not even her father biologically.
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319. - Excuse me?
- My father is her father.
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320. - What?
- Huh?
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321. I went to every hospital
and clerk house in L.A.
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322. I waited in lines, filled out forms,
talked to anyone who would talk to me.
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323. I wouldn't rest until I knew
I'd done everything I could.
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324. But there was no record
of a little horse girl
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325. born on Hollyhock's birthday...
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326. Okay, so?
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327. in L.A., because Hollyhock
wasn't born in L.A.
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328. She was born in San Francisco.
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329. I got a little bug in my brain
that my father knocked up the help.
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330. So I went up there, and I did
the whole thing again, and I found it.
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331. The birth certificate
with her mother's name,
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332. clear as day, Henrietta Platchkey.
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333. - That's—
- But where is she now, right?
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334. Looked her up on Facebook.
I know what you think:
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335. "BoJack Horseman
has a Facebook account?"
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336. Obviously, I didn't,
because the Internet is for nerds.
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337. But I know it's a good way to find people,
so I set up an account, and I found her.
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338. She lives in Minneapolis.
She's a nurse.
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339. Her phone number
was on her Facebook page.
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340. And I wanted Hollyhock to have it.
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341. - You did all that?
- She has to know.
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342. You don't have to tell her I was here.
I'll stay out of her life forever.
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343. You can tell her I'm an asshole.
Say you found this on your own.
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344. I don't care, but you have
to tell her. Please.
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345. Whittagut dittagoo yittagoo
gittaguys thittagink?
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346. Hittagollittagy-hittagock's
stittagill frittagail.
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347. - Guys—
- Littaget's jittagust
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348. tittagell hittagim whittagut hittagee
wittagants tittagoo hittageer.
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349. - All right, BoJack. We'll tell her.
- Yeah?
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350. Yeah. But you need to leave.
Right now.
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351. Okay.
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352. Welcome to the best
workout routine in L.A.
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353. Nothing motivates like fear.
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354. So remember, once you're in there,
don't stop running.
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355. If the clown dentists catch you,
they will bite you,
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356. and they have very healthy teeth.
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357. Okay, but not really, right?
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358. Nope, really. They will actually bite you,
and they do actually have rabies.
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359. Wow, guess I'm gonna
really have to run.
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360. No more excuses. This is great.
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361. Exactly! And don't forget...
have fun in there!
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362. - Whoo-hoo!
- Let's do this.
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363. Let's go.
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364. Well, you did it.
You made a better business.
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365. We did it.
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366. Between your no-nonsense approach
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367. and my the-regular-amount-of-nonsense
approach,
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368. we make a pretty good team.
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369. Yes. I'm going back to my job.
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370. But if anything happens here
and you need me,
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371. or if you just wanna hang out again,
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372. grab a drink,
you should call me sometime.
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373. Oh, um, I should tell you,
I'm actually asexual.
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374. Yeah, I know. So am I.
That's why I'm asking you out.
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375. - Oh! Uh, okay.
- Okay. Goodbye.
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376. Huh.
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377. - I have to talk to you.
- Make yourself at home.
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378. I screwed up. I'm sorry.
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379. I promised you'd do this show.
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380. I don't know why. I just...
I needed something—
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381. - I'll do it.
- What?
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382. You want me to do it, I'll do it.
God knows you've done enough for me.
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383. What's wrong? I said I'd do it.
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384. It's just really hard to need people.
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385. Yeah, but...
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386. Yeah. Thank you.
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387. Eh, it'll be good for me
to get out of the house anyway.
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388. You want a drink?
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389. - Water.
- Water? "Water" you pregnant?
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390. Very much not so.
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391. - I heard you got a new boyfriend.
- We broke up.
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392. Oh. Sounds like an asshole.
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393. He was actually the first guy I ever dated
who wasn't an asshole.
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394. - Well, onwards and upwards.
- I heard you had a kid living with you?
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395. No. She's got these adopted dads.
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396. They're total dicks,
but they take care of her.
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397. - She'll have a good life.
- Oh.
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398. You ever think of adopting?
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399. - More and more lately.
- You should. You'd be a good mom.
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400. - The world needs good moms.
- I'll take that under advisement.
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401. Well, I guess I'll see you on set.
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402. I'm looking forward to it.
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403. Now, back to normal.
Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter.
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404. - Here we are. The rest of our lives.
- I wanna show you something.
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405. I had the contractor put this together
while we were gone. Close your eyes.
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406. - Okay...
- All right. Open them.
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407. - Oh, my God! It's—
- Pretty cool, huh?
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408. - Why would you do this?
- It's what you always wanted, right?
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409. It's too much. I didn't want it like this.
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410. - Like what?
- I don't know. I'm sorry.
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411. This is great. I'm sorry.
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412. Why would you think I would like this?
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413. Because you told me
this is what you always dreamed of?
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414. I don't like big gestures like this!
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415. - How many times have I—?
- Yeah, but this is—
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416. This was a fantasy,
something that belonged to me.
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417. Why couldn't you have asked me—
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418. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever try
to surprise you, or do nice things.
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419. Do you know how much it cost
to get 5,000 fake books?
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420. - So I'm the bitch? Is that what you—
- I'm sorry that I wanted to make our home
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421. feel like a place
that you would want to live
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422. that could be yours as well as mine!
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423. Why is that so important to you?
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424. Because otherwise,
it feels like you're a guest.
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425. And unlike the talking candlestick
in the aforementioned Disney film,
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426. I don't want you to be that.
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427. It makes me feel shitty.
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428. Like you're just visiting here,
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429. until the next thing
and you're gonna leave me
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430. when you get bored
or you find something better.
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431. Like Katrina did. Like Jessica did.
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432. You can't use your ex-wives against me.
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433. I'm just telling you how I feel.
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434. I was trying to do a nice thing for you.
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435. This is not how I thought
this would go at all.
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436. Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter.
Back to normal, right?
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437. You know, sometimes I feel like
our marriage is like a magic eye poster.
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438. - I love those things.
- I know.
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439. And it's messy. And at first glance,
it doesn't seem to make any sense.
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440. And it's hard to figure out.
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441. But sometimes,
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442. if you squint at it just right,
everything lines up,
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443. and it's the most perfect...
beautiful, amazing thing.
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444. Yeah. I know what you mean.
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445. But...
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446. I'm so tired of squinting.
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447. Oh...
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448. What?
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449. Oh, Christ.
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450. - Hollyhock.
- Hi.
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451. - How are you?
- Listen...
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452. I wanted to thank you
for finding my mom.
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453. - They told you?
- Not exactly.
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454. They have this secret dad language
they think I don't understand,
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455. but it's super obvious
what they're saying.
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456. You're too smart
for your own good.
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457. So, yeah, I've been talking
to Henrietta on the phone
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458. and she seems really nice.
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459. Really? Wow!
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460. I'm gonna visit her in Minneapolis.
I'm at the airport right now.
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461. Right now? That's incredible.
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462. No, what's incredible
is this place at the airport
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463. charged me ten dollars
for a cup of fruit.
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464. - What?
- And get this.
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465. It's like 90 percent honeydew.
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466. Are you kidding me? Why?
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467. What on-the-go jet-setter's demanding
more honeydew in his or her fruit cup?
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468. Nobody ever wants honeydew,
it's always there.
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469. It is literally the worst part
of everything it's in.
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470. It's like the Jared Leto of fruits.
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471. Thank you. Exactly.
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472. Mmm.
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473. Well...
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474. Anyway,
they're about to start boarding, so...
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475. Hollyhock, I'm sorry
I didn't take better care of you.
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476. I shouldn't have moved in with you.
It was maybe too much too fast.
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477. - Yeah.
- But it wasn't all bad.
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478. I mean, yeah,
I got secretly drugged for months on end
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479. to the point I was living a nightmare
in which I couldn't recognize my own body
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480. or understand what was happening
to my brain, but,
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481. other than that,
it was a pretty chill experience.
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482. I should have protected you.
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483. I really wanted to be
a good dad to you, Hollyhock.
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484. Well, turns out you're not my dad at all.
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485. Yeah. Good thing, I guess.
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486. Yeah. Good thing.
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487. So, uh, Minneapolis, huh?
Did you rent a car or a cab?
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488. BoJack, it's all taken care of.
I gotta go.
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489. Is there anything, uh, I can do?
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490. I can upgrade your seats, or...
or send you better fruit.
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491. BoJack, look,
I never needed you to be a dad.
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492. I'm going to be fine.
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493. I told you from the beginning,
I have eight dads.
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494. Yeah. Yeah. Good.
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495. But... I've never had a brother.
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