1. BoJack! Beautiful day, huh?
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2. Perfect day to go outside,
not read the trades
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3. or talk to anyone in the industry
or watch entertainment television
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4. or have a gut feeling about the ratings
for your television show last night.
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5. - Princess Carolyn, I'm dying.
- You read the trades.
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6. My heart is in my stomach,
my stomach is in my butt,
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7. and my butt ran away with the spoon.
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8. That makes sense
because your butt is quite a dish.
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9. Can you come over? I need you.
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10. What the...?
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11. I ordered a few feel-better pizzas
to feel better. It did not work.
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12. Then I sprinkled happy pills on them,
and washed it all down
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13. with a "Please, God, make my pain go away"
vermouth and ice cream float.
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14. - Somehow I feel worse.
- That's a real mystery.
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15. My show was terrible.
Why did I insist on a mockumentary format?
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16. It's already an overused trope now,
in 2007.
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17. Hey! Mockumentary is not a trope,
it's a device for storytelling.
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18. And your show is daring and cutting edge.
People just aren't ready.
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19. Yeah. Yeah, people! It's not me.
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20. It's the people that are the problem!
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21. Everyone's dumb and I am great.
Why do I always forget that?
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22. That's the spirit.
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23. I'm starting to think this show is
the best thing that happened to me.
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24. - Really?
- Yeah.
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25. It made me realize you're the best thing
that happened to me,
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26. with your sexy cat eyes
and your cute little hair curl.
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27. You look like a soft serve
strawberry ice cream.
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28. BoJack, we can't. I'm your agent.
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29. You are so much more than that.
You're my lighthouse, my Garmin.
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30. You're the little plastic table
they put in pizza boxes
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31. to keep the pizza from getting smushed.
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32. You're Princess Carolyn.
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33. Don't you break my heart,
BoJack Horseman.
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34. - What?
- What? Nothing.
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35. - Did you just say something to me?
- No, I was just being wistful, I guess.
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36. Well, can you be wistful a little quieter?
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37. - Not everyone is interested in your wist.
- Okay, BoJack.
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38. - You smell nice.
- Thanks, BoJack.
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39. Okay, gotta go. I'm about to meet
my most important client.
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40. - I know you're not really on the phone.
- Bye, Mr. President.
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41. Give my love to your basketball friends.
You too.
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42. Should we get dinner,
or are you just thinking drinks?
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43. - I'm not planning on staying long.
- Okay.
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44. I'm glad you wanted to meet,
because I am so pumped to tell you
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45. all about the exciting projects
I'm lining up for you.
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46. That won't be necessary.
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47. Once you get your Oscar nom,
we'll have our pick. That's the key.
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48. You think Halle Berry
would've been offered Catwoman
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49. if she wasn't an Oscar winner?
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50. We just gotta find you your Catwoman.
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51. I'm not sure if a Catwoman
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52. is really the best thing
for my career right now.
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53. Right, well, like I said,
we are getting lots of offers.
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54. Listen, Princess Carolyn—
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55. Signore Horseman!
Principessa Carolina!
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56. Sandro, how you doing,
you handsome devil?
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57. To be honest I am, how you say,
sweating bull's nets.
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58. - You mean sweating bullets?
- I don't think so.
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59. Sweating bullets.
How does that make the sense?
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60. How does sweating bull's nets
make sense?
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61. I don't want to be caught in bull's nets.
He may try to kiss me.
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62. I prefer kissing cows. No judgment,
just a preference. I love kissing cows!
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63. Don't tell my wife. I'm kidding!
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64. She knows. She's a cow!
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65. And I only kiss her.
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66. Okay, very good.
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67. Haven't you lived in America for 30 years?
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68. Ignore him. Why are you
sweating bullets and/or nets?
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69. Ah. Because there is a restaurant critic
here tonight.
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70. Very interesting.
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71. Critics are the worst.
That's my review of critics.
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72. Two thumbs down! Four percent fresh!
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73. One star! You all eat a flat butt!
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74. Did you not know there was a critic here?
You own this place.
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75. I never see you do anything
to help run it.
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76. This place runs itself. Right, Sandro?
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77. Well, my wife and children and therapy man
may not agree so much,
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78. but if you say so, Signore Horseman.
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79. Even his wife and kids
and therapy man agree.
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80. Well, as the Black Guy Pete say,
"Tonight's gonna be a good night."
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81. Please. Enjoy.
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82. I know you're not happy about
what happened with the Kelsey project.
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83. I pushed a little too hard to get you
the money you deserve.
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84. What can I say? Sometimes I'm too good
of an agent, so deals fall apart.
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85. That's a thing that happens
when agents are really good.
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86. - That's not—
- Moving forward!
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87. I know you're not happy
with how I handled Ethan Around.
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88. - Or didn't handle it.
- Bygones!
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89. It was because I was busy
getting you the Pegasus movie,
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90. which I know you did not get,
but trust me,
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91. you'll see not getting these movies was
the best thing that ever happened to you.
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92. Onwards and upwards!
Tally ho! To the stars!
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93. Okay, you're forcing me to use the cards.
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94. "Princess Carolyn, clear throat,
I have been very disappointed—"
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95. Ring! Hello, Your Highness.
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96. It's a king, I have to take this.
In the bathroom.
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97. Oh, fish, oh, fish!
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98. Who's out there?
Are you talking to me?
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99. No.
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100. All right, Pink Lady, think.
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101. - Are you talking to me?
- Are you a pink lady?
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102. I was a Pink Lady in my high
school's production of Grease.
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103. - Were you Rizzo?
- No, Jan.
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104. Then don't waste my time.
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105. Now, let us bow our heads and bray.
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106. Yes, right away!
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107. So back to what you were—
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108. - Oh, my goodness, what is this?
- Yeah, what is this?
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109. You're making this up.
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110. Okay, cool.
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111. Can you believe it, BoJack?
It's been almost a quarter of a century.
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112. Talking on the phone
pretty much every day,
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113. sharing our deepest dreams and secrets,
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114. being there for each other
through all of it, bosom friends,
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115. Anne of Green Gables style.
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116. Let's toast to another 23 years.
What do you say?
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117. - You're fired.
- Uh— Oh.
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118. I can't believe this. You're firing me?
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119. - Me?
- What? No.
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120. You have no idea,
everything I do around here!
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121. - Half the kitchen staff is my family.
- No.
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122. - Honestly, just—
- I detest you!
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123. I hope you rot in the hell!
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124. - We're headed down a road that—
- You washed-up has-been no-good joke!
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125. You are the opposite of an onion,
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126. because if I cut you, I am no gonna cry.
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127. Well, now you are fired.
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128. Good luck finding another charming
first-generation Italian immigrant
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129. with this kind of darling accent,
who makes equally delightful malapropisms!
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130. You, sir, have just cut off your nose
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131. and thrown Sprite in your face!
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132. I am a classic stereotype
that is tough to come by nowadays,
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133. because Italians don't emigrate
so much to America no more.
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134. Botticelli, Barbarelli, Beetle Bailey!
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135. Modigliani, Masaccio, Marmaduke!
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136. Avanti, all of you! Andiamo!
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137. So that was weird, huh?
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138. Please stop looking at me.
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139. Too bad about Sandro, huh?
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140. You're the one who's fired, obviously.
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141. Right.
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142. Ryan Murphy is doing are-imagining
of The Life and Times of Harriet Tubman.
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143. But in this version, she's a tub-man,
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144. with the comparative strength
and agility of a tub!
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145. - PC.
- He's looking for someone
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146. to play the Underground
Railroad conductor.
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147. Great, but you don't represent me anymore.
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148. Okay, I get it. I'm fired. Sheesk.
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149. You're gonna spend a couple days
being mad at me,
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150. then I'll get you another gig, and you'll
be my client again, just like every time.
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151. Can we get past the part
where you're mad at me
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152. and get to the part where
you're stealing General Lee's plutonium
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153. to fuel your subterranean
steam-punk slave-tram?
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154. "It's best, for both of us,
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155. if we end this relationship
once and for all."
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156. I'm sorry I screwed up,
you don't have to read off the—
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157. "You take me for granted, made decisions
that were against my wishes,
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158. and worst of all
she's got my globes a-warming!"
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159. - How did that get in there?
- What is that?
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160. A punch line to a joke
from the roast of January Jones.
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161. - A global warming joke?
- It's an important issue. Here we go.
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162. "Our relationship no longer has any—"
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163. "January has only gotten hotter and hot—"
Nope.
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164. - Were you at the roast of January Jones?
- No, but I wrote some jokes
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165. in case someone got sick
and they needed a backup.
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166. Do you even know January Jones?
Why would they call you?
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167. I guess I thought that my agent could
get me in the mix if Jason Sudeikis—
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168. How did these get out of order?
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169. So in the joke,
are the globes your balls?
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170. And they get warm
when you see January Jones?
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171. Is that how balls work?
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172. I don't know. It's a work in progress.
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173. Professional integrity!
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174. "Our relationship no longer
has any professional integrity.
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175. So it's gotta end. Stand to leave."
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176. Shouldn't have read that part.
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177. "When you reflect on this,
you'll see it's best for both of us.
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178. Exit restaurant." Goddamn it.
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179. Wow, that was—
I don't know what that was.
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180. Hey! Where are you going?
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181. - Who gave you this idea? Spanakopita?
- This has nothing to do with Ana.
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182. Here you go, sir.
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183. - I'll get it!
- You two are b'thumping.
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184. Now you do whatever she says?
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185. - Is that what's happening?
- No.
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186. No, you're not b'thumping or no,
you're not doing whatever she says?
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187. - I'm not doing whatever she says.
- So you are b'thumping.
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188. I understand from context what you mean,
but there's no way b'thumping is a thing.
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189. I'll get it!
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190. You don't have to do everything
your little falafel pocket tells you to.
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191. - You screwed up!
- Once! In 23 years!
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192. I'll get 'em.
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193. All these years I carried you,
when no one wanted to work with you.
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194. I still managed to get you jobs.
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195. And then you would flake,
or sabotage them,
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196. or get wrapped up in some crisis
or emergency or vague sadness.
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197. Everyone told me to dump you—
my bosses, film execs, directors,
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198. they all told me you were washed up,
a nobody, a has-been,
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199. - a joke, too portly for TV.
- Too portly for TV? Who said that?
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200. - It doesn't matter.
- It does. Who said it?
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201. - Luis Guzman.
- Luis Guzman said I'm too portly for TV?
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202. You're right, BoJack.
This is for the best.
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203. I no longer have to lug your talentless,
self-centered, self-sabotaging,
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204. dead-weight carcass
of faded talent around my neck.
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205. - Hey.
- Thank you for firing me.
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206. I'm gonna go pour myself
a little celebratory potato juice,
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207. because this is the best goddamn
thing that's ever happened to me.
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208. Hey! Hey! Hey!
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209. Ha, ha! I'll get it.
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210. You do not talk to me like that
and walk away.
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211. Oh, no? What's happening?
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212. This is so weird. I'm walking away,
even though you told me not to.
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213. Right, I don't work for you anymore.
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214. - Hey!
- Excuse me, Mr. Horseman?
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215. - Not now.
- We have a slight problem in the kitchen.
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216. - Where is everybody?
- That's the problem. They all quit.
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217. The kitchen's backed up with orders.
No one's getting food.
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218. And the critic is growing very impatient.
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219. Writing that down...
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220. - Just do what you normally do.
- But there's no chef.
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221. Tonight's your lucky night.
You just got promoted.
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222. Kidding. I'm actually just happy
being a waiter. I'm not my job.
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223. - A lot of people think that—
- You're the chef! Start cheffing!
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224. Oh.
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225. What? Fifty teeth?
Get out of here. Let me see.
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226. - Ahh...
- Would you look at that.
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227. You're thrilled
to have me out of your life?
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228. - I was such a burden all those years.
- Can I close my mouth now?
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229. - Know what I think?
- Don't wanna hear it.
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230. You like being there to rescue me.
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231. - I close my mouth, okay?
- Nobody cares!
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232. - Okay—
- Nope, I'm still counting.
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233. You like it when I'm a mess.
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234. Because it makes you feel good
about yourself.
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235. Guess what? I never asked for that.
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236. You ask all the time.
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237. You have never not been asking me
to rescue you.
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238. "Princess Carolyn, help me!
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239. I slept with the gaffer's wife
and now he's not lighting me properly.
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240. Princess Carolyn, I threw up
on Elle Fanning in a bounce house.
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241. Princess Carolyn,
why am I such a big stupid asshole?"
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242. Okay, great, more abuse.
Right on schedule.
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243. Oh, that's abuse?
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244. "BoJack, you're such
a big, stupid asshole.
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245. BoJack, why were you even
in the bounce house, dummy?
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246. BoJack, you wasted my thirties!"
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247. I never said you wasted my thirties.
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248. Didn't have to, you're always saying it.
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249. And I don't like being around you,
because I feel bad.
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250. You make me feel bad.
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251. So this isn't about me being a bad agent.
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252. It's about a lot of things.
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253. - Where are you going?
- Away.
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254. - Hey, listen, man.
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255. I don't wanna get in the middle of this,
it's none of my business,
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256. but I just have to say
I love that sweater.
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257. - Can you give it to me?
- What? No.
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258. I held my mouth open a really long time.
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259. - What does that have to do—?
- You're not being fair,
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260. to me or Princess Katniss.
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261. - Who?
- Your friend.
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262. You've forgotten her already?
Typical BoSchwack.
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263. That's enough out of you.
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264. It's all right,
you're gonna get through this.
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265. - You're gonna get through this.
- Are you okay?
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266. Are you okay?
You've been in there a long time.
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267. I left for a while and came back.
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268. Just so you know,
this wasn't an easy decision.
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269. - This is the ladies' room!
- What's going on out there?
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270. Are you watching a movie?
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271. I agonized over this. Ask Ana.
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272. - Oh. So you did talk about it with Ana.
- Yeah. I respect her opinion.
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273. Paws not claws! Paws not claws!
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274. Hey! Ow! God, you're strong.
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275. This is exactly the kind of
unprofessionalism I'm talking about.
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276. - You want to talk about professionalism?
- Yes, I do.
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277. But not here.
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278. You say you want professionalism?
Bullshit.
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279. You want a mommy
you can slide your dick in.
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280. I can want that
and also want professionalism.
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281. A sex-mommy who keeps her boundaries,
is that too much to ask?
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282. Is there a single woman
you've worked with
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283. who you haven't tried
to groggily thrust yourself into?
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284. Is it any wonder
I don't want to be around you?
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285. All you do is tell me
I'm a terrible person.
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286. Please, you're such
a self-pitying masochist,
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287. I could say ten nice things
and one mean thing,
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288. you would only hear the one mean thing.
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289. I'd love it
if you said ten nice things to me.
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290. - I can say nice things.
- Ready when you are.
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291. Does self-pitying masochist count,
or are we starting from scratch?
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292. Okay, one— I'm freezing my whiskers off.
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293. - You have a natural charisma.
- You hesitated, that means it's a lie.
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294. Two, you are loved by millions.
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295. That's not a compliment.
So is Kim Jong Un and Teri Hatcher.
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296. I got this. I got this.
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297. Pre-heat oven?
Where's the pre-heat button?
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298. Excuse me? Waiter?
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299. Where are my family's
double-fudge cheese pies?
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300. I'm not your waiter anymore.
I'm the chef.
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301. - Then who's our waiter?
- Uh, you're the waiter now. Ta-da!
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302. I can't be a waiter.
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303. I have a very important
business meeting tomorrow.
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304. You get someone else to do it.
I'm the chef and whatever I say goes!
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305. Okay. Who gets these
soy balls and onion cubes?
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306. Table eight.
Deliver those soy balls, soldier.
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307. You got it, boss.
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308. Number six.
You know how to make me laugh.
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309. So I'm a clown to you?
Like Joe Pesci in Home Alone?
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310. You recognize
you're being impossible, right?
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311. - I don't know how you put up with me.
- I didn't put up with you, BoJack.
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312. I liked being with you.
And I don't regret it.
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313. I don't regret the trip to the Bahamas.
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314. Or the bracelet you bought me
for my 38th birthday.
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315. Or when my dad died
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316. and you came to the funeral
with me and held my hand.
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317. I'm doing this for both of us.
You understand?
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318. - Did you ever love me? At all?
- I don't— I'm not—
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319. You know that I don't do
the whole love thing.
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320. Either you end up hurting someone
or they hurt you. So, what's the point?
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321. Yeah.
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322. Ugh. This sucks. Ow.
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323. I did this to myself. I do this to myself.
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324. - Why do I do this to myself?
- I don't know.
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325. Maybe if you're good at putting out fires,
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326. you just run from fire to fire
and don't really think about—
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327. Oh, God, I don't wanna be a chef!
I want to be not on fire!
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328. - We gotta put out that fire!
- I hate Mondays!
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329. I figured out
how to pre-heat the oven.
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330. This night has been a disaster.
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331. The good news is I got my kid
to prep my important meeting at work.
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332. The bad news is
all the customers went home.
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333. They didn't like the screaming
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334. and felt like their food
was a little too "on fire".
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335. - It's called a char, dumbshits.
- The critic's still here.
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336. Oh, oh, oh!
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337. She still wants her mushroom risotto.
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338. I don't know how to make risotto.
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339. I know how.
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340. What are you doing? No, go home.
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341. You're right. What am I doing?
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342. All right.
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343. Good luck.
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344. Ugh. Who do they write these songs for?
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345. - Ugh.
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346. Goddamn it.
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347. How should I know?
Do I look like an expert in cooking oils?
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348. We have to choose!
We're running out of time.
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349. - Olive. You wanna use olive oil.
- What are you doing?
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350. Let me do this.
You'll burn the place to the ground.
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351. Fine. This isn't one of those things
where you save my ass
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352. so I feel obligated to give you
your job back.
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353. I know you have no sense
of obligation to me.
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354. Ooh, slam. I'm sorry,
I'd rather not get involved.
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355. - Can I get you some more water?
- Mmm.
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356. You look lovely. It's a great blouse.
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357. Mom, I wanna go home.
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358. This is a very important night
for the restaurant.
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359. How are we coming on the sales meeting?
Did you get the big conference room?
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360. Winslow wants the big conference room
for his presentation to corporate.
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361. You get back on that phone
and you get me that big room.
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362. Okay, Mom.
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363. The secret is stirring continuously.
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364. Right, so that's the secret.
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365. I'm gonna go roll some more soy balls.
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366. - Thanks for your help.
- Sure.
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367. How do you know how to do this?
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368. Mom was a live-in maid for a rich family.
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369. She had a little trouble
bending her elbow too much. Glug, glug.
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370. So unless I wanted us to be on the street,
I had to cover for her, a lot.
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371. That rich family loved Italian food
and champagne fountains.
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372. And cocaine. And private jets.
And screaming at each other.
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373. "Who threw my cocaine
in the champagne fountain?"
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374. - So standard rich people stuff?
- I guess.
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375. - How come you never told me that?
- I did.
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376. Oh.
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377. It's okay. I know
you never remember anything.
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378. That's not true.
I remember the first time we met.
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379. I went to see Marv. You were
at the desk in front of his office.
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380. I thought you were cute and you said,
"It's good to see you again."
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381. - Oh. So I guess we'd met before.
- That was the third time we met.
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382. The first time was when I was an intern.
I delivered a script to your house.
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383. You were passed out in the yard,
covered in tapioca pudding.
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384. I hosed you down, dragged you inside,
covered you with a blanket.
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385. - Really? I don't remember that.
- Shocker.
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386. So you've gone from daughter of a maid
to head of your own company.
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387. Well, the company's not doing so hot.
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388. - Don't try to guilt me.
- It's not your fault.
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389. Turns out being an agent and running
an agency are two different skills.
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390. It's like asking a really delicious tomato
to make you a tomato sandwich.
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391. How's a tomato gonna make you
a sandwich? He's got no arms.
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392. You'll figure it out. Princess Carolyn
always lands on her feet.
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393. But I don't even know why I'm doing it.
Does any of it matter?
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394. Why are you an agent at all
if it makes you so miserable?
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395. Because I'm good at it.
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396. I mean, stuff hasn't been hitting lately.
But, usually, I'm really good at it.
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397. Just 'cause you're good at something
doesn't mean you have to do it.
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398. I'm good at driving sober,
but I don't relish the opportunity.
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399. But what else would I do?
Who else would I be?
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400. I do love you, by the way.
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401. I mean, as much
as I'm capable of loving anyone.
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402. Which is never enough. I'm sorry.
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403. Ta-da!
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404. Well, it is truly...
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405. how should I put this? Wonderful.
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406. So you'll give Elefante a good review?
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407. Oh, no, I can't do that.
I waited over two hours to be served.
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408. The ambience was terrible.
You two were screaming all night.
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409. At one point, a waiter
ran through the restaurant on fire.
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410. Unfortunately,
you will be receiving my lowest rating:
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411. four hundred and twelve stars,
out of a possible a billion.
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412. A billion stars?
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413. Yes, that's the rubric I use on
SamanthaGoesToRestaurants.tumblr.com.
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414. - Oh, God, get out.
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415. I assure you the animated GIFs
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416. with which I describe this encounter
shall be scathing.
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417. Mom! I just touched base
with Rooney, re: Winslow.
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418. He's out, we're in.
The conference room is ours.
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419. Perfect! This is the meeting
where we finally convince the big boys
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420. to let us get babies addicted to vaping!
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421. Yes! Corporation!
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422. - How about a drink?
- I could drink.
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423. I don't think I can. I'm heading out.
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424. I got pretty badly burnt earlier
and in a lot of pain.
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425. I should probably go to the ER.
Have a great night.
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426. Ha, ha!
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427. What's the second time we met?
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428. - A taping of Horsin' Around.
- Which episode?
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429. The one where Olivia put too much
detergent in the washing machine.
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430. Nancy Reagan was the guest star.
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431. That woman
was the real actor in the family.
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432. I just started working for Marv.
I went backstage to introduce myself.
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433. And then what happened?
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434. You told me you were too tired
pretending to be nice all night,
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435. - and I needed to leave you alone.
- Oh.
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436. I'm a real jerk, huh?
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437. Yeah, but you're honest,
straightforward,
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438. not fake nice
and don't beat around the bush.
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439. Your heart is tender,
so you protect it from people,
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440. but sometimes you open up a wall
and it's incredible.
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441. You're doing the best you can,
considering your asshole parents.
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442. You have great taste in art,
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443. and that pink spot
on your nose is just adorable.
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444. How many nice things was that,
about ten?
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445. - Yeah, just about.
- Okay, one more.
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446. You let me help you tonight
because you knew I needed it.
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447. You did it for me,
which was very sweet.
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448. Thanks. You're a good friend to me.
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449. - BoJack...
- Yeah?
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450. Are we friends?
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451. Yeah. I mean, I think we are.
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452. Or I think we can be.
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453. Okay, then as a friend, I'm asking you...
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454. Please don't leave me.
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455. - Princess Carolyn—
- Please.
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456. I can turn this around,
I just need more time.
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457. We're in a fragile period,
still finding our feet.
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458. Just give me six months
and then you can go.
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459. I promise,
I'll never ask anything from you again,
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460. but please, give me six months.
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461. Sorry, I left my coat here.
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462. I got it.
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463. So? What do you think?
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464. No.
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