1. Guys, I think we could use
another phone jack over here.
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2. Cabracadabra.
We wanna reach out and grab you.
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3. - No, we're a cab company.
- Can you toss me the thing?
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4. - Sorry. The other thing.
Okay. Watch the couch.
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5. Hey. Goddammit!
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6. - I apologize for... I understand.
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7. Mind if I put you on hold one second?
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8. Don't put me on hold.
Do you know who I am?
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9. I just won a Baby's Choice Award,
the winner of which
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10. has gone to take home the Oscar
seven of the last 15 years.
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11. So, yeah, that BoJack Horseman.
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12. Otherwise known as the guy you keep
sending your dumb newspaper to
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13. even though I never subscribed to it.
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14. I'm putting you on hold.
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15. - We have a situation, sir.
- Talk to me.
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16. Guy's name is BoJack Horseman.
He's pretty steamed.
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17. I've tried everything, but we might need
to bring the Closer in on this one.
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18. Calm down. We can sort this out
without having to get the Closer involved.
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19. Did you offer 26 weeks
at 50 percent off the newsstand price?
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20. I went through the entire checklist, sir.
Even offered him a free tote bag.
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21. What kind of monster says no
to a tote bag? Good work, rep.
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22. You've done all that could be
expected of you. I'll take it from here.
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23. Yeah, Got it. Right.
I understand. I'll take it from here.
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24. God help us...
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25. Is what I'd say if we needed God's help.
Fortunately, we got one better.
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26. Morning. Good morning.
How was your weekend? How are you?
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27. Good work yesterday.
Get out of my way, please.
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28. We have a situation on line two.
Name's Horseman. BoJack Horseman.
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29. Thank you. I'll take it from here.
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30. Hello, good morning, and I say this
with 100 percent sincerity...
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31. How can I help you?
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32. I never subscribed to the L.A. Gazette.
I do not read the L.A. Gazette.
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33. I have called this number so many times
to stop sending it to me.
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34. Yet every morning, I open my door
on a new edition of the L.A. Gazette.
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35. It's like I'm in a boring episode
of The Twilight Zone.
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36. Sir, we are going to unravel this mystery.
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37. But before we dig in,
is there anything I can get you?
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38. A glass of ice water perhaps?
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39. Yeah, sure, I'd love a glass of ice water.
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40. Fabulous. Johnny will get that to you
in three, two, one...
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41. - Uh... huh.
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42. I see you've been receiving
our paper for six months,
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43. but there's no record of you
ever registering a complaint.
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44. From whence the hostility, counselor?
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45. It wasn't a problem until recently,
because up until a week ago
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46. the boy who lives with me used the paper
to make a giant paper-mâché Todd head.
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47. - What was that?
- I live with my best friend, Todd.
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48. Good kid, but sometimes
he gets ideas to do things.
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49. - Pretty scary, right?
- Yes. What the hell is that?
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50. Giant Todd Head, of course.
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51. I've been working on him
for the last six months.
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52. What? Why?
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53. It all started
when a rustling from the kitchen
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54. jostled me from tender slumber.
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55. Uh...
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56. What was that?
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57. If there's a ghost present,
please do not scream
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58. or have a skull face or be wearing
a tattered white satin gown.
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59. Someone or something is stealing our food.
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60. I made a giant papier-mâché Todd head
to scare it away. Think it'll work?
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61. If I made a giant papier-mâché me head,
would you stop eating my food?
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62. You should take this seriously.
We might have an infestation.
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63. We do have an infestation, of Todds.
Look at that, they're getting bigger.
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64. And? Did the head help to ameliorate
your pest peccadillo?
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65. No. Todd abandoned the project as soon
as he started working on Cabracadabra.
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66. - What's Cabracadabra?
- That's what I said.
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67. - What's Cabracadabra?
- That's what I said.
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68. - What's Cabracadabra?
- That's what we want you to say.
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69. If I didn't know any better,
you were about to pitch an idea.
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70. - We are about to pitch you an idea.
- I did not know better.
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71. Has this ever happened to you?
Hey, where you headed?
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72. Oh, yes. That happens to me all the time.
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73. - We're not at the main part yet.
- I'm so sorry. Please continue.
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74. - To the opera, good sir.
- Okay.
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75. Am I watching to see if the whole thing
has happened to me?
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76. - Or looking for one specific thing?
- Kind of both.
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77. So I just keep watching until I see
something that has happened to me?
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78. - Yes.
- What if we get to the end,
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79. none of it has ever happened to me?
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80. Maybe just try to put yourself
in Emily's shoes right now.
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81. Got it. Sorry for the interruption.
Please continue.
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82. - So, is this where you live?
- Yes, it is.
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83. - Alone or are you in a relationship?
- This hardly seems appropriate.
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84. Driver, you're starting
to make me feel uncomfortable.
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85. Yeah, Todd. What are you doing?
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86. Has a creepy driver
ever given you his number
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87. or told you that you reminded him
of his dead girlfriend?
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88. Or repeated your address slowly,
like he was trying to memorize it?
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89. - No, never.
- Unfortunately, if you are a woman
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90. all those things
would happen to you every day.
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91. That's right, Todd.
According to my own research,
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92. nine out of ten men
are total dirtbag creeps, just the worst.
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93. But what if there was a ride-share service
that could guarantee
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94. no creepy men drivers
because there are no men drivers at all?
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95. What are you saying, robot drivers?
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96. What if they become sentient
and try to murder us, or unionize?
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97. That could be a real headache.
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98. No, not murderous robots. Women.
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99. Todd, you have done it again.
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100. Actually, Emily and I
came up with it together.
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101. Todd and Emily,
you've done it again for the first time.
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102. And that's why we're setting up shop
at your house.
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103. Why does it have to be my house?
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104. There's no room
at Mr. Peanutbutter's house.
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105. It's full of spaghetti strainers.
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106. - Why?
- Who can recall?
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107. I figure the longer they're there,
the bigger the payoff.
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108. And they've been sitting there
for months now.
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109. So you can bet
the payoff's going to be pretty huge.
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110. So, why did you let them use your house?
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111. Hey, Todd, where do you want this...?
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112. Uh...
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113. I felt guilty.
About what?
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114. Todd had this old girlfriend.
I met her a couple weeks back.
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115. - Hey.
- Hey.
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116. - What are you still doing up?
- I got thirsty.
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117. Then you came to the right place.
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118. Should we call Todd,
see if he wants to join us?
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119. I'm tired of trying to figure out
what Todd wants.
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120. And what do you want?
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121. - I'll start with a whiskey.
- My kind of girl.
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122. - So then we had sex.
- What? Why?
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123. I was lonely? She was there?
Why does anyone have sex with anyone?
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124. Intimacy, affection, a deep need
to connect to the world at large.
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125. The same reasons three million people
subscribe to the L.A. Gazette.
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126. - What?
- I'm getting ahead of myself.
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127. Please, continue your story.
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128. - You should go.
- Yeah.
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129. That was a mistake.
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130. Agreed. A wonderful, sexy mistake
for you and a regular mistake for me.
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131. No, it was a regular mistake for me, too.
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132. - What are we gonna tell Todd?
- Nothing, obviously.
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133. - I don't want to hurt him.
- Neither do I.
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134. - That's why we won't tell him.
- I feel like we should tell him.
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135. That feeling is you selfishly
trying to assuage your guilt.
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136. If you cared about Todd,
you would keep this a secret forever.
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137. I'm not good at lying.
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138. Ask me if when I was a little girl,
did I ever used to put a stuffed animal
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139. in my underpants
and rock back and forth on it.
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140. When you were a little girl,
did you ever do that thing you said?
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141. What? Get— No!
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142. I think it's gonna be fine.
Why would it even come up?
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143. Not like there's any reason
the three of us
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144. would ever be in a room together again.
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145. BoJack, you remember Emily, right?
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146. - I've never seen you before in my life.
- No.
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147. - You don't remember BoJack?
- Oh, yeah. BoJack.
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148. What... why... What are you here?
Why are you doing at Todd's house?
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149. Todd's house? This is my house.
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150. It's cool if we set up shop here, right?
That's not gonna be weird?
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151. What? Why would that be weird?
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152. - What are you implying?
- Nothing.
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153. It's not weird for me either,
if we're keeping track of weirdnesses.
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154. - Okay, what is going on here?
- Why would you? I don't even—
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155. - Literally nothing going on.
- No, something's going on.
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156. I've got a nose for news.
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157. In this case, Nu is the Greek letter
representing the variable
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158. for "What Is Going On?"
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159. So let's solve for Nu, shall we?
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160. I think someone's not saying something
to someone else about something.
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161. - That's crazy.
- I know what it is.
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162. Cabracadabra's going to be huge.
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163. No one wants to say it out loud
because we're afraid we'll jinx it.
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164. Yeah. That is exactly what it is.
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165. Yes. Your stupid business
is gonna be very successful.
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166. - Yes.
- Glad that's out in the open.
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167. We all know what everyone was thinking,
we don't need to ask
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168. any more questions
or do any wondering about mysteries.
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169. Nope.
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170. If you'll excuse me,
I need to go watch a sport.
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171. Great idea.
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172. The worst part is things have actually
been going really well with Todd.
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173. Our friendship is in a really good place.
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174. Last week he said,
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175. "Did you know the wiener dog
is neither a wiener nor a dog?"
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176. Instead of saying,
"Shut up, Todd," I said, "Okay."
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177. So, why did you
sleep with Emily?
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178. Do you think that part of you was getting
uncomfortable with that closeness?
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179. You felt like you didn't deserve
Todd's friendship
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180. and you wanted to somehow
externalize that feeling into action?
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181. No, man, I think I'm just a dumb asshole.
Can't it just be that?
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182. When you do bad things,
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183. you have something you can point to
when people eventually leave you.
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184. It's not you, you tell yourself,
it's that bad thing you did.
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185. Do you often keep people at arm's length?
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186. Are you afraid of being known
and knowing others?
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187. Yeah, you know, I think that you're
definitely hitting on something real
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188. that I would love to drill down into,
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189. but I gotta go
to this marketing meeting now.
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190. Which is so annoying
because I totally want to keep talking
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191. about that thing you're talking about.
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192. But marketing meetings, right?
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193. I mean, they're so important.
Can I call you back tomorrow?
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194. - Of course.
- Great. Bye.
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195. - So, how was your marketing meeting?
- Weird.
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196. - Sorry I'm late.
- It's fine. We're just getting started.
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197. I had the worst morning.
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198. Hanging on every word. Don't tell us.
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199. So I drove here, right?
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200. I'm sitting at the entrance to the garage
when I realize I don't have my key card.
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201. I gotta drive all the way home to get it.
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202. When I got there,
I couldn't find it anywhere.
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203. Suddenly, I remember:
I put it in the glove compartment.
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204. It was in my car the entire time.
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205. Okay.
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206. Because I was driving back and forth
so much, I ran out of gas.
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207. I pulled into a 76.
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208. I was about to pump the gas,
I realized I didn't have my credit card,
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209. when I remembered
it was on my desk at home
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210. because I used it to contribute to
my friend's dumb Kickstarter campaign.
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211. Diane...
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212. Have you donated
to Virginia's dumb Kickstarter yet?
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213. - Oh, shit.
- Throw her 50 bucks. You can afford it.
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214. Yeah, but I don't like feeling
like I have to, Roxy.
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215. Does the world need
a stop-motion short film
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216. about a pig who goes to circus school?
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217. Think of it like you're doing
a nice thing for your friend.
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218. Mmm... okay.
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219. I called a cab to take me home
to get my credit card.
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220. Then back to the gas station, get my car,
fill it up and come here.
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221. So that's why I'm late.
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222. - Why did you tell us that whole story?
- I don't know.
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223. - Why did you tell me that whole story?
- I don't know.
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224. Anyway, I had the ad agency whip up
some options for the new Secretariat ads.
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225. Good news is the movie
is killing out there. Everyone loves it.
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226. If everyone loves it,
why do we need a new ad campaign?
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227. These are
the "For Your Consideration" ads.
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228. They're a reminder to the Academy,
"Have you considered this yet?"
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229. The Academy doesn't always
consider everything.
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230. So they need constant
consideration reminders.
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231. - That's very considerate.
- This one tested the best.
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232. That's a good one.
The rest of these suck.
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233. Dumb. Dumb. Stupid. Offensive.
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234. Ugly. Boring. Typical. Stupid.
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235. Bad. Hideous. Disgusting. Gross. Cliché.
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236. - I am really good at this.
- Huh.
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237. - I kind of like this one.
- How'd that piece of crap get in there?
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238. We ruled that one out.
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239. It's actually really powerful.
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240. What spoke to you
about that particular ad?
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241. I don't know.
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242. All the pictures of me,
they looked backwards.
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243. When I looked at the mirror ad,
I was seeing me as I see myself
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244. and I thought
there was something beautiful about that.
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245. Intimate, almost.
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246. Of course you like this ad.
When you look at it
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247. you see Secretariat, I see an old turtle.
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248. "Hello, old turtle. Are you Secretariat?
No? You're just some old turtle?
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249. - What the hell? You've aged terribly."
- But you've got the heart of a champion.
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250. I got a team of cardiologists at Cedars
who say different.
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251. Isn't that the point of the movie,
that anybody could be Secretariat?
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252. The point of the movie is to make
a lot of money and win awards.
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253. If anyone who looks at this ad
is Secretariat,
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254. why should you win the Oscar?
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255. He's right, BoJack. Why don't you
leave this to the experts, okay?
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256. - Yes. You're a star.
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257. So, you also had sex with your publicist?
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258. Yeah, couple times.
We have a very complicated relationship.
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259. It's complicated.
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260. If our relationship was a Meryl Streep
movie, it would be Doubt.
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261. Don't forget, you have Ellen tomorrow.
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262. Don't wear that sweater I hate.
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263. Yes. You're in charge.
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264. Okay, you know, I gotta say
I don't feel like I'm in charge.
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265. If you're gonna throw a tantrum,
forget the whole thing.
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266. I'm not throwing a tantrum— Why are we
having sex in my car?
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267. - Can we at least go back to your place?
- No, BoJack.
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268. I don't know where you live.
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269. You control every part of my life,
I don't know anything about you.
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270. - You don't want to know me, BoJack.
- No, I do.
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271. - I want to be known and know others.
- You don't.
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272. I know you and I know what you want.
This is exactly what you want.
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273. What do you think she meant by that?
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274. Better question:
Why am I still getting the L.A. Gazette?
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275. Do you think getting the paper every day
is a reminder of Todd's papier-mâché head?
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276. The project he abandoned
to make time for the old girlfriend
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277. you spent an intimate night with?
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278. Could that be why you want
to cancel your subscription?
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279. No. I want to cancel my subscription
because newspapers are dumb.
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280. I feel I'm very clear on this point.
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281. Every morning,
someone knocks on my door and says,
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282. "Throw away this garbage for me."
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283. So you don't feel any guilt
about your tryst with Emily?
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284. Well, I have had trouble sleeping.
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285. You're silly.
No, you're silly.
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286. Oh, God.
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287. - Okay, your turn, truth or dare.
- Truth.
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288. What is the worst recent thing you did
to someone who cared about you?
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289. - The worst thing? Or the most recent?
- Both.
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290. Can you keep it down, please?
Some people are trying to sleep.
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291. - We are keeping it down.
- We've been really quiet.
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292. - You're basically shouting.
- Sorry.
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293. - Do you want me to whisper? Like this?
- Yeah, we can be real whispery.
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294. No, because then I'll hear the
"psst, psst, psst."
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295. And I'll be up all night
wondering what you're talking about.
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296. - Uh, what would we be talking about?
- Yeah, BoJack.
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297. What would we be talking about?
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298. I don't know. Dumb stuff.
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299. Forget it. Can't sleep here.
I'm gonna go sleep in my boat.
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300. - Freeze, candy ass.
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301. - Character Actress Margo Mart—?
- I said, "Freeze."
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302. Hold on. Are you telling me
esteemed character actress
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303. and fugitive from the law Margo Martindale
has been living in your boat?
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304. Is this one of those situations where
everything we discuss is confidential,
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305. due to customer
service rep-client privilege?
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306. Of course.
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307. Then yes,
Margo Martindale is living in my boat.
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308. - How long have you been in here?
- Well, after the incident in Yorba Linda.
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309. - Eh...
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310. Well, Margo, old gal,
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311. looks like you've bought yourself
another day of freedom.
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312. But at what cost?
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313. I knew I had to lay low.
Go off the grid, disappear.
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314. I know what "lay low" means.
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315. So, I disappeared for a little bit.
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316. Mm-hmm.
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317. Somewhere I knew I had no chance
of being discovered—
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318. regional theater.
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319. I did a run at the La Jolla Playhouse
in an obscure Tennessee Williams play.
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320. I have ambition, sir.
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321. Dreams that don't incorporate
the concerns of cynics like you.
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322. Cynic.
Always laughing that terrible laugh.
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323. - Ramona...
- Well, go ahead and laugh.
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324. Laugh your life away. I can laugh, too.
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325. Ramona, I'm telling you...
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326. She's dead.
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327. I was good. Too good.
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328. The San Diego Union-Tribune
called me, "A talent to watch."
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329. I knew I had to get out of there.
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330. And you've been living here ever since?
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331. That's right. I also did an arc
on The Good Wife.
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332. - Other than that, laying low.
- The Good Wife?
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333. How did you go on a nationally broadcast
TV show with no one catching you?
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334. I disappeared into the role, BoJack.
It's called acting. Try it sometime.
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335. And you're the one
who's been stealing our food.
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336. You already know too much.
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337. Smoke bomb.
Hi-yah!
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338. - Why did you throw a plum on the floor?
- Thought it was a smoke bomb.
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339. Where are my smoke bombs?
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340. I'm gonna go sleep by the pool.
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341. - Hey. BoJack's back.
- Yup.
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342. My two favorite people
in a room together with me.
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343. - You bet.
- Isn't this great, BoJack?
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344. - The three of us under one roof?
- Yeah.
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345. It's like Three Men and a Baby.
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346. But there's only two men,
and the baby's a lady.
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347. - Uh-huh.
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348. With all this turmoil and upheaval,
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349. sure would be nice to have
something you can depend on.
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350. Something that arrives every day
at your doorstep,
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351. with a robust arts section.
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352. Let me tell you something
about the L.A. Gazette.
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353. I don't think you finished the story
about your publicist.
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354. What happened when you told her
you wanted to know her?
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355. Oh, right. Well...
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356. If we're gonna work together
and also have weird kinky car sex,
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357. I wanna know something about you.
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358. What do you wanna know?
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359. I was married once.
I have a son I'm not allowed to see.
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360. - My favorite fruit is honeydew.
- Gross, is that true?
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361. Does it matter?
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362. Listen, I've been
with guys like you before,
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363. and I know this thing works better
if we keep a little distance.
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364. And...
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365. Well, that worked.
- Okay, we're done. I'll see you tomorrow.
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366. So, that's how you left things?
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367. That's how she left things.
But then I followed her home.
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368. You did what?
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369. She lives in this
tiny apartment in the Valley.
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370. I could see her through the window
and I just watched her being... normal.
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371. Oh!
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372. There's something very intimate
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373. about watching a person be herself.
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374. But it wasn't good intimate,
like when you see your mom cry.
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375. It was bad intimate,
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376. like when your dad writes a poem
about Lena Horne's nipples,
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377. makes you read it out loud
so he can hear if it scans.
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378. She warned you
that you wouldn't want to know her.
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379. Yeah. She was right.
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380. It's so sad that when you see someone
as they really are, it ruins them.
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381. - Do you have someone you can talk to?
- About what?
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382. These feelings you have,
your self-destructive behavior.
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383. You know that old joke
about how many psychiatrists
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384. does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The answer is just one,
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385. but the light bulb has to want to change?
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386. - I don't know that joke.
- That's it. That's the whole joke.
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387. The light bulb has to want to change.
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388. Yeah. Psychiatrists are idiots.
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389. That's actually not the point of the joke.
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390. - Hey. I need to talk to you.
- What the... I'm on the phone.
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391. I got nominated for the Craig Noel Award
from the San Diego Theatre Critics Circle.
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392. Oh, it's too much heat.
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393. I'm taking your boat out
to international waters.
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394. You never saw me.
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395. On the phone.
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396. I don't want to talk to anybody.
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397. What I want is to have control
over my own life.
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398. Which is why I'm begging you
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399. to please cancel my delivery
of the L.A. Gazette.
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400. - I don't think you want to do that.
- I promise you I do.
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401. No, because that's just theater.
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402. It allows you to think you're in control,
but the whole idea of control is a myth.
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403. The universe is a wild beast.
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404. You can't tame it.
All you can do is try to live inside it.
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405. Live inside the beast?
That's a mixed metaphor.
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406. - But... you're right.
- Great.
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407. I'm going to sign you up
for another six months.
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408. Since you've been such a sport,
I'm throwing in a tote bag.
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409. Thanks.
You've given me a lot to think about.
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410. Okay, so I'm a passenger.
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411. Remember the three D's:
drive safely, drive efficiently,
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412. and don't harass the passenger.
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413. - Todd, can I talk to you for a second?
- Sure. Driver, pull over, please.
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414. - Can I talk to you alone?
- Of course.
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415. Driver, put up the partition, please.
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416. I've been thinking,
and you should do this without me.
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417. What? But the whole point
is we're doing it together.
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418. But you don't need me anymore.
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419. You have a whole team of coders,
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420. and I don't think that I can work
in this house.
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421. - What's wrong with the house?
- Todd, I just—
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422. - I need to go.
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423. I don't understand.
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424. Did I do something
to make you feel uncomfortable?
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425. No. You are great. It's me and... BoJack.
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426. BoJack?
What did he do this time?
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427. I don't think
I've been a very good friend to you.
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428. Things happened and...
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429. I don't think BoJack's been
a very good friend to you either.
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430. - Oh, okay.
- You should buy me out of the company.
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431. No, no, no, keep your share.
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432. Who knows?
It might be worth something someday.
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433. You're sweet, Todd.
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434. You shouldn't waste that on people
who don't deserve it.
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435. Hey, you want this plum?
I found it in the kitchen.
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436. Sure.
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437. Whoa!
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438. Weird plum.
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439. How did you know where I live?
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440. - Ana...
- You need to leave.
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441. No, I know that it's exciting
to remain mysterious and in control,
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442. but control is a myth.
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443. That's a conclusion
I came to recently by myself.
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444. I can't do this now.
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445. I don't want to go home tonight.
I want to sleep in your bed,
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446. I wanna see what
you look like waking up.
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447. You are a beautiful,
sexy, fascinating, terrifying woman.
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448. And I want to know you.
I'm not afraid of that.
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449. And you don't have to be, either.
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450. Okay.
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451. And I want to go with the mirror ads
for Secretariat.
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452. - BoJack, no, listen.
- Ana.
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453. This is my campaign,
I know what I'm doing.
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454. Call up Turteltaub and tell him
I won't be pushed around on this.
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455. I'm the star and what I say goes.
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456. Okay.
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457. Hmm...
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458. It kind of just looks like
a billboard for the sky.
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459. - I didn't think this part through.
- No kidding.
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460. The sky is Secretariat? The sky
wants you to nominate it for an Oscar?
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461. It is eerily beautiful.
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462. Like an art piece
that resists interpretation.
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463. Oh, good. Yeah. Wouldn't want the ad
for my movie to be interpretable.
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464. If you stand where I'm standing,
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465. you see a reflection
of the KIIS-FM billboard.
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466. Beautiful. So we spent half a million
dollars on an Oscar campaign for KIIS-FM.
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467. I'd hate to drive here at rush hour.
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468. When the sun goes down
and hits that billboard,
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469. that's gonna—
That's gonna be a real problem.
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470. Well, the good news is
BoJack got what he wanted.
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471. Ugh.
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