Bob's Burgers 4x22

1. I am in the midst of negotiations to sell Wonder Wharf

2. and build high-end condos.

3. What does Fischoeder say about that?

4. You work on him, convince him to sell.

5. "Carousel no longer in service"?

6. "Newer, better, less boring ride coming soon"?

7. That's how you lock your sister

8. - to a wooden horse. - Yeah.

9. I'm not ever selling this wharf.

10. What?

11. Have you ever pooped out a key?

12. No. Um... dice.

13. Glad you like this rotten old wharf so much,

14. 'cause it's where they're going to find your rotten old bodies.

15. Oh, God. This is bad.

16. Ow. These ropes are tight. This is really bad.

17. There's no point in making us uncomfortable before you kill us, Felix.

18. - What happened to common courtesy? - Stop talking! Keep being scared.

19. Oh, just shoot us already, for God's sake.

20. The suspense is boring me.

21. What? No! Don't. What are you doing?

22. I'm calling his bluff, Bob.

23. Come on, pull the trigger, you big baby.

24. I'm not a baby! I'm a big boy!

25. - A big, dangerous boy! - Baby.

26. - Stop it! - Baby.

27. - Stop it! - Come on, baby!

28. - Stop teasing him. - I can't help it.

29. He's incapable of doing anything right on his own.

30. Stop saying that! I'm sick of it! Calvin.

31. Calvin, I've lived too long in your stupid weird shadow

32. to just shoot you.

33. You're gonna die slowly, tied to the pier you love so much.

34. I don't love it.

35. You see way up there above your head? That's the high-tide line.

36. That's where the water's gonna be in just a little while.

37. I see.

38. You'll watch the tide come in before you drown,

39. which will give you time to think how all this could have been avoided

40. if you'd just stayed on track and sold the wharf with me.

41. - Oh, God. - Now I have to kill you

42. and inherit your stupid voting share and do what you wouldn't do.

43. You'll just be some dead guy getting eaten by crabs,

44. and I'll be Mr. Fischoeder.

45. Me, not you!

46. You'll be Calvin... Crabs, the stupidest dead person in the world.

47. Well said.

48. Well, I just wanna say, you are already the important Fischoeder to me, Felix.

49. - I've always felt— - Bob. I see what you're doing.

50. I see what you're going for, but I'm mad at you, too.

51. Plus, you gotta kill the witness. Everyone knows that.

52. - That is true. - Don't agree with him.

53. Now, if you'll excuse me,

54. I have to get up there and start living my new amazing life

55. as Felix Fischoeder, the condo king with a dark secret and a girlfriend.

56. - Okay. - Oh, God.

57. Please, Mr. Fischoeder, do something. I have kids.

58. Oh, come on, Bob. Those kids aren't that great.

59. Felix, come back!

60. I will, later. I'll see you when you're dead. Bye-bye.

61. Help!

62. Well, now thanks to your father,

63. we aren't getting any new condos in this dumb town.

64. No new money and no Bob's Burgers on the Beach.

65. Nope. Just back to our boring, crappy lives

66. in this stinky, poopy, run-down shantytown by the sea.

67. Where is Dad, anyway?

68. I haven't seen him for like 45 minutes.

69. Do you think he has a separate Dad pad?

70. Maybe he's back at the restaurant. That's where I always picture him.

71. Hmm. No Bob.

72. I guess we'll open up for dinner without him.

73. Maybe he's out partying with Mr. Fischoeder, his new buddy.

74. Big boys' night out, I guess. Oof.

75. We can have a girls' night in.

76. I have a great new nail polish I've been dying to try.

77. It's called "clear."

78. Sure, if you wanna look like a prostitute.

79. Fanny, there's my silly skunk.

80. No. Get away from me. Get off.

81. Sweetie, I know you're upset, but listen. I took care of everything.

82. The condos are back on, all right?

83. So, I will just put my arm around you thusly.

84. - Uh-uh. - Fanny! I just said...

85. ahem, I took care of everything.

86. So, I'm getting my recording studio and my nightclub?

87. Yes! Damn it! I took care of it!

88. - Don't yell at me. - Sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm— Oh, God.

89. You know, I'm having a stressful day.

90. Don't care.

91. Hey, let's walk around and see where that nightclub will be.

92. - Okay. - How about over there?

93. - No. - Okay.

94. - How about... You like that location? - Mm-mm.

95. - Right. Let's look to our left now. I don't like any of them.

96. Quit squirming around, Bob.

97. Do you have worms?

98. 'Cause I do, and you're making them crazy.

99. I'm trying to get my phone out of my back pocket.

100. I can't reach it. Mr. Fischoeder, you need to get it for me.

101. Oh, all right.

102. Ooh. Ooh.

103. - That's unfortunate. - What is?

104. - Your butt. - Oh. Sorry?

105. Up here, you're okay, but down here, it gets bad.

106. - Okay, just pull the phone out. - Okay.

107. - Flip it open. - Really? You have a flip phone?

108. Yes. It works fine to make calls, and that's what phones are for.

109. Nonsense, Bob.

110. Phones are for playing tiny games about fruit on.

111. Just hit the call button, Mr. Fischoeder.

112. - It'll dial Linda since I called her last. - Ah.

113. - Hello? - She answered. Linda! Linda!

114. Hello, Linda.

115. Bob? I can't hear you, hon.

116. Linda! - It's loud. I think he's at a bar.

117. - I'm gonna kill him.

118. What's that laughing? What is... Bob?

119. Linda, listen. Felix tied us up under the pier.

120. Call the police.

121. I think he butt-dialed you.

122. Yup, that's his butt's voice.

123. Dad, it's Tina. Are you at a party? Are there boys there?

124. Bob, you're wasting all our minutes,

125. so, you'd better be out buying more minutes. Bye.

126. I still can't hear you. He's pocket-dialing me again.

127. Lin, don't hang up. No, no, no— Try her again.

128. I think we're coming off a little desperate.

129. We are desperate.

130. Bob, I'm putting your butt on silent, for once.

131. Who wants ice cream?

132. No! No, no!

133. Ooh, that's chilly.

134. That 911 operator did not like us, Bob.

135. No one can hear us. They thought we were prank-calling.

136. Maybe we could text 911.

137. - Can that sad little thing text? - Sort of.

138. Oh, we could text Linda.

139. It'll be hard, but let's try it.

140. Yeah, it's hard.

141. I can't really see what I'm typing.

142. I'm just pressing on the phone.

143. Wow, the tide is coming in fast.

144. It's the same speed it always comes in. Don't blame this on the ocean, Bob.

145. Hey, what are you looking at?

146. My boobs are up here.

147. Oh, sorry, babe. I... There they are, Milo and Otis.

148. No, that one's Milo, that one's Otis.

149. Mom, you got a text. You're blowing up. What's your secret?

150. Maybe it's Jimmy Jr. texting you to ask what I'm doing for the rest of my life.

151. He's gonna be pretty disappointed when he finds out.

152. It's from your dad.

153. "Help I'm tired yo." What?

154. Of course he's tired. He's so old.

155. Your father doesn't say "yo."

156. The only time he ever said "yo" was when he went to Tina's class for career day.

157. Maybe that's not what he meant to type. Maybe it's autocorrected.

158. Oh, yeah. Like that time I texted Mom that I was super horny

159. when I was really super hungry.

160. Why would I be horny? I'm not an antelope.

161. I wonder what his text was supposed to be.

162. What if it was something that'd make us LOL?

163. Well, let's figure it out. Should be easy.

164. Dad doesn't know that many words.

165. We gotta get that phone. I'll try to get it with my foot.

166. Oh, look at those nimble, hairy little toe-men go.

167. - What the hell was that?

168. I think I took a picture, and I think I sent it.

169. I hope you got my best side.

170. - I'm talking about my wiener bulge. - Stop.

171. Are you wearing my bike lock as a necklace?

172. Kind of?

173. Well, it's very flattering.

174. It makes your head look safe.

175. Now he sent me a weird picture.

176. I'm starting to get a little worried about him.

177. Let me see that.

178. Just looks like a white blob to me.

179. Look who's talking.

180. Oh, that's Mr. Fischoeder's butt.

181. How do you know what Mr. Fischoeder's butt looks like?

182. - I have a photographic butt memory. - Oh, yeah.

183. Wait. What's that thing?

184. Could be a rope or maybe a breadstick?

185. Ah! They stole my idea for breadstick ropes.

186. I think I got it.

187. I'm getting it up your leg.

188. - Grab it. Grab it. - Oh, but it's all footy.

189. Grab it. If it drops in the water, it's over.

190. Fine.

191. Okay, the autocorrect suggestions for "tired" and "yo" are up there.

192. Now we match them up and see what makes sense.

193. Maybe he meant "I cried, y'all."

194. Why is he now Southern?

195. Could it be...

196. "I tried blow"?

197. We were gonna do that together. Just once.

198. Oh, my God. Teddy was right.

199. - I knew it! Wait, about what? - About the picture, the rope.

200. "Tired yo" is "tied up."

201. Dad's tied up somewhere!

202. He's in a meeting.

203. And he's going to be there for a while.

204. I hope this is working.

205. I tried to write, "Felix has us under the pier."

206. I'm not sure I got it all, but it should be close. Hit send.

207. Are you sure? Are you going to yell at me?

208. - Just hit send. - Okay.

209. - Oh, no! Oh, no! - Oh! Aha!

210. Well, who gets to yell at whom now?

211. Oh, my God. Did you hit send?

212. I hit something. Let's talk about something else.

213. I spy with my little eye one large cloud shaped like a camel.

214. - Right there. - Where?

215. - That one. - That one, yes.

216. Oh, my God, who's got my Bobby tied up?

217. Let's think. Who are Dad's enemies?

218. - Time, gravity, toothpaste... - Jimmy Pesto.

219. Eh, Jimmy's got an alibi, which is...

220. he is dumb.

221. It's from Dad. It says, "Fix got under seven seven,"

222. then a shrimp emoji and the word "Pierre."

223. Oh, God, someone named Pierre's got him tied up,

224. and he's force-feeding him shrimp!

225. - Okay, everyone, stand back. - Help! Help!

226. You have to pull yourself together!

227. You have two children and a Louise to take care of!

228. Okay, okay. Stop slapping me.

229. Oh, no, wait, one more.

230. Wait. Guys, there's a restaurant a few blocks away called Pierre's,

231. and they serve shrimp and breadsticks.

232. - Breadsticks! - They're all right. They're not great.

233. Quick, Mom, let's close the restaurant forever and go find Dad.

234. Hang on, Dad. Here we come.

235. And hang on, shrimp. Here comes Gene.

236. Well, look at the bright side.

237. With the water this high, we can finally go to the bathroom

238. without being embarrassed.

239. - Oh, that's warm. - Yeah.

240. - You doing that? - I'm doing it.

241. - Okay, so, I'll do the talking.

242. No, I'll do the talking, you do the roughing up.

243. I'll eat the shrimp.

244. - I'll watch Gene eat the shrimp. - And I'll look around for clues.

245. But if any of those clues are shrimp, bag them and give them to me.

246. Hello. Welcome to Pierre's. Table for, what do we have, five?

247. Yeah. We're not here to eat. We're looking for this guy.

248. His name's Bob, and you kidnapped him!

249. Let me at him! Give me back my son!

250. I don't have your— What are you... Please!

251. Let me look at the toilet picture again.

252. You got a lot of nerve, buddy.

253. Ow! Can't breathe.

254. Seeing... spots.

255. Don't want to die.

256. - Wow, that guy really fainted. - And barfed.

257. I feel bad. He got really upset there. All we're trying to do is talk to him.

258. But he still gave me shrimp.

259. And he said come back anytime. What a class act.

260. Well, what do we do now?

261. Yep. Uh-huh.

262. What is it? What is it?

263. - I think I know where Bob is. - Where?

264. He took the chug boat out to Alcohol Island.

265. These are drunk texts.

266. - I know them when I see them. - Oh.

267. Look, here are 87 texts I sent to my ex-wife last night.

268. What do you think I meant by "I'm sorry I'm not sorry"?

269. Well, Bosco was no help.

270. We gotta face facts.

271. No one cares about Dad except us. And, really, it's just Mom.

272. - And me. - And Tina.

273. Time to split up and search.

274. If we want to find him, we're gonna have to track him down ourselves.

275. Does anyone have anything of his we can smell?

276. - I have his jeans. - We all have his genes.

277. No, I have his jeans. I cut them into shorts.

278. Oh, come on, like you're not all wearing a pair of Dad's cutoff jeans

279. under your clothes.

280. Wow, wow, wow.

281. I didn't think he'd go through with it. Where's your family?

282. - Why aren't they looking for us? - I don't know.

283. Maybe they didn't get our texts.

284. Well, things are bad, Bob. Things are very bad.

285. - Oh, yeah. Nice. - Thanks.

286. At first it was kind of funny that Dad was missing,

287. but now I don't like it.

288. We could end up with just Mom. No offense, Mom.

289. No, no, we need your dad.

290. You kids are a two-adult, two-bottle-of-wine-a-night job. Ugh.

291. Where the hell is he? He didn't just disappear.

292. Oh, hey, look. There's Felix.

293. We gotta warn him his brother's in danger. Felix! Felix!

294. - Linda! What are you doing here? - We got these weird texts from Bob.

295. We think he's with your brother. You see?

296. My daughter says that's probably his butt.

297. - Definitely. - Definitely his butt.

298. - Look, okay? - What?

299. I mean, look, I'm trying to be super friendly here, Linda,

300. but I don't know where he is! Okay?

301. Ahem. Linda, Linda, Linda.

302. Bob and my brother are probably just, right at this moment, terrified.

303. - What? - Gasping for...

304. - What? - Gasping for what? Cheese?

305. - You are sweating a lot, Felix. - You are moist.

306. - You don't know how moist I usually am. - You feeling okay?

307. Well, Felix seems fine.

308. Calvin! What have I done?

309. I recognize that sound.

310. From the phone call. He's here!

311. Bob's right here somewhere.

312. Hey, where'd Felix go?

313. Why is Felix going down under the pier?

314. I need him to pay for this hot dog.

315. Do you have any money? How about you? Little one.

316. How about you, Glasses? No?

317. The pier?

318. "Pierre" is "pier."

319. Bob's under the pier! Oh, my God!

320. We need three pedal boats, and hurry!

321. Well, if you want a fast boat, you really want the turtle.

322. I know it's counterintuitive—

323. Just get in!

324. Now, you need to wear a life vest.

325. Move it, chump!

326. Enjoy your time on the water. It's beautiful.

327. Dad, if you're dying, don't!

328. It's not your time, Dad!

329. I want to put you in a nursing home next year!

330. You've gotta teach me to shave! Everywhere!

331. Hey! Someone's coming! Over here!

332. Over here—

333. It's Felix! I knew it!

334. Oh, no. No, no, no.

335. I knew he didn't have the ball—

336. What do you want now, Felix?

337. I'm here to save you.

338. Oh. Hurry up, then. Untie us.

339. Right, so, just going to, uh...

340. shoot into the water to undo the ropes.

341. No, no, no. That's a bad plan, Felix. Bad plan.

342. He's too chicken to jump in.

343. Oh, my God, could you stop taunting your brother?

344. Yeah, and I'm not chicken. I'm— It's just the water's choppy.

345. Bobby!

346. - Linda! - Dad!

347. Quiet! I'm preparing to jump in and save them.

348. Just, uh, need to mentally get ready here.

349. Oh, come on!

350. Someone, please hurry!

351. Felix, what the hell is going on?

352. I was gonna kill my brother so I could sell the wharf and get you your nightclub,

353. - but I can't do it. - What?

354. I'm going in.

355. Uh-uh, Felix. Nobody move.

356. - What? Fanny, what are you doing?

357. I won't let you ruin my dreams.

358. This is my time.

359. All of my life people have been telling me what I can't do.

360. "Fanny, you can't show your butt."

361. "Fanny, you can't shoot people."

362. - Today I'm gonna do both. Oh, God.

363. Shut up! I can't think.

364. What else is new?

365. Okay, Linda, you and the kids get off your boats,

366. get in the water and then drown.

367. Can't we just do the first part and splash around and have fun?

368. Oh, come on, Fanny, I'm your gal pal.

369. Shopping, right?

370. No! Out!

371. Kids, grab on to me. Use me to float.

372. - Fanny, don't do this. - Shut up, Felix.

373. Just sit there and inherit his money.

374. Okay, everyone start drowning... now.

375. - Oh. Glub, glub, glub. - Uh...

376. Glug, glug.

377. Ugh. You guys are so bad at drowning.

378. I guess I'm gonna have to shoot you.

379. Oh, God. I'm sorry I got us into this.

380. Kids, I love you. And, Linda, I love you, too.

381. - Almost as much as the kids, but not... - Oh, Bobby, I love you, too.

382. I'm sorry I was mad at you about the stupid condos.

383. I love you, Mom! And you, Dad!

384. I love you all. But that's just between us.

385. I love everyone! I love you, Mom.

386. - Oh, I love you, too, honey. - What are they all doing?

387. I have no idea.

388. - I love you guys! I love you, Dad!

389. Oh, God, they're starting again.

390. Okay, listen up. I'm gonna shoot you first.

391. - One... two... - Bobby, no!

392. - Fanny, wait! - What?

393. Uh... before I die, um, could you...

394. I would really like to hear one of your songs.

395. - Really? - Oh, my God.

396. So sweet. Which one?

397. Uh, the one about the dancing? And that's really loud?

398. - "Dancing So Loud"? - Yes!

399. Well, that one's not really finished yet.

400. - I'll sing "Mr. Dance-Floor." It's hot. - Oh, good, good.

401. - Linda, the piling. What?

402. The piling near Fanny, Lin.

403. Ram that boat shaped like a turtle into it.

404. Oh, got it. Got it.

405. - Show's over, Fanny. - Hmm?

406. Quick! Someone untie us!

407. I'm coming for you, Bobby.

408. I'm not that great at knots, but I'll try.

409. - Aah...

410. - Aah... - Aah...

411. Oh, thank God.

412. Yay, Mom. Hmm?

413. Oh, God. Swim away! Swim away!

414. Everyone dive! Dive!

415. Tina!

416. Thank God, you beautiful four-eyed son of a bitch.

417. - Mom! - There's my girls. Where's Gene?

418. I'm over here, just doing my own thing.

419. I'm fine! I'm fine.

420. - Who cares? - Grr.

421. Where's my Bobby?

422. You saved us, Linda.

423. Thank God we live in a time where women can learn to swim.

424. A burial at sea. It's what the carousel would've wanted.

425. We talked about it a lot toward the end.

426. - My little Fanny-apple! - Uh-uh. My hair's wet.

427. Where are they going? - They're swim-running away!

428. They're escaping to Mexico.

429. Or whatever's across the water. What's over there?

430. So, I guess they'll arrest Felix, too.

431. No. I told them Fanny was responsible for everything.

432. - What? - Look at him, Bob.

433. We can't send him to jail. He'd hate it there.

434. - He tried to kill us. - Not really.

435. We were just, uh, wrestling. Like brothers.

436. - Wrestling? - Tussling? Bonding. I don't know.

437. - Oh, my God. - Besides, he came back for us.

438. - I told you he'd never go through with it. - I'm gonna tell them.

439. Hey, how about $4000? Would that make you feel better?

440. What? You can't put a price on my family.

441. - Seven? - Three.

442. Two. - One.

443. - Blastoff! - Will you give me a minute?

444. Great. We'll forget the whole thing.

445. - I didn't say— - What a crazy day.

446. God, I had cereal in the morning, and by nighttime I'm getting murdered.

447. Lin, I'm trying to work out some money thing with Mr. Fischoeder—

448. Uh-uh. You need a warm shower and a hot meal, mister.

449. Felix, I get one free punch.

450. Come here. You know the rules.

451. - Bob, I'm glad we found you. - I'm glad, too, Lin.

452. The Belchers are a land family.

453. We should be together in a restaurant, not under some dumb wharf.

454. - Let's go home. - It's not dumb.

455. That's the wharf we saved, that Dad saved.

456. And look how it thanks us.

457. Well, it sort of saved us.

458. We get it, Dad, you love the wharf.

459. Ugh. I don't even wanna look at it.

460. Oh, I'm gonna have a bottle of wine and eat some croutons in bed.

461. Yay, crouton party in Mom and Dad's bed.

462. No. Yes!

463. Oh, my God.