1. "Festival of Magic"?
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2. This whole town's gonna be full
of magicians turning tricks!
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3. Hi, Jimmy Jr.
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4. - Hi, Zeke.
- What are you wearing?
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5. Is it cape o'clock, already?
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6. It's for the Young Magicians Competition.
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7. I'm in it to win it.
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8. - Abraca-yeah-bro! I support ya!
- I didn't know you were into magic.
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9. Thought you were more into dancing.
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10. Well, I dance a lot during my magic.
Like this.
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11. Ta-da!
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12. Whoa! Where'd the hell
that come from?
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13. He's like a magical florist!
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14. - Thank you. Oh.
- Whoop!
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15. Maybe I'll come and cheer for you.
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16. Whatever. It's a free country.
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17. He's so patriotic.
Okay, then, see you at our date.
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18. It's not a date. Not really.
- Yes, it is.
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19. Definitely not. Whoop.
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20. Oh, this promotion is a great idea, Bob!
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21. - I love magic!
- I know. Me, too.
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22. I'm gonna stick a quarter in my ear.
It's something to pull out.
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23. Yeah, the only problem is,
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24. this sign could actually
attract magicians, so...
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25. Louise, this will be good for business.
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26. - Plus, magic is fun.
- Mm-mm.
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27. Magic can take you to places
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28. you could never possibly imagine.
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29. Like Delaware!
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30. Look, here comes our first magician.
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31. Or a Wild West wedding DJ?
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32. - Hello.
- Hello!
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33. Hello. Um, I couldn't help
but notice your sign.
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34. Notice anything else?
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35. Whoops. Uh, oh, where'd that come from?
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36. - Uh, come on in, Mr., uh...
- Mars Sazerac.
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37. Boy, that is a magic-y name.
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38. Hold on. How do we know you're a magician?
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39. Show us a trick!
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40. Write my name on a piece of cake,
put it in a box, I'll eat it!
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41. Sorry, don't listen to him.
He just wants to eat cake.
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42. Fine, write it on a piece of pizza
and put it under my desk.
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43. It's always gonna have
to do with eating something.
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44. Just hiding food in places that he already
knows the location of.
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45. I mean, it would be nice
to see something, like a trick.
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46. Well, I suppose me and my 52 friends
could use the exercise.
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47. Oh, God, it's happening!
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48. Miss, could I ask you
to be my assistant?
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49. Oh, I couldn't. No. Okay, I'll do it!
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50. Oh, that's right,
magicians have assistants.
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51. - Ta-da.
- Now, I'll need a volunteer...
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52. - Me!
- Me!
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53. - Me!
- Me!
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54. - Me!
- Me...!
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55. - Gene, me!
- Me!
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56. - You're already the assistant.
- Oh.
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57. You win. No need to shout.
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58. - Thank you. Bye, Gene.
- Bye.
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59. Okay, Bob, let's move you over here
so the audience can see you.
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60. - Right here?
- Perfect.
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61. You're going to pick a card.
While you're doing that,
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62. Linda's going
to get me your biggest knife.
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63. Right here. Butcher knife,
check!
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64. Whoa, why do you have that?
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65. - Me and Gene were playing pirates.
- Mm-hm.
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66. Pick a card, Bob.
Show it to them, not me.
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67. Okay, everyone, here's my card.
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68. - Nice one, Dad.
- Okay.
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69. That was not a very good trick.
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70. Now, Linda, cut the deck, literally.
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71. - Go on! Whack it!
- All right, step back.
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72. - Whoa!
- Still not a great trick.
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73. Well, well, looks like we have a survivor.
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74. Recognize this?
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75. - That's not my card.
- Oh.
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76. Hit the bricks, Fail-dini!
You had your shot, you blew it.
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77. Well, so much for the magician's discount.
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78. In fact, maybe I should pay you.
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79. Wait, that looks like my wallet.
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80. - Did you take my wallet?
- Oh-ho-ho, slow down, there, Bob.
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81. Before you call the cops,
you'd better check the I.D.
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82. My card!
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83. - Oh, my!
- Wait— how did you pick my pocket?
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84. I didn't feel anything.
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85. Oh, I feel something.
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86. I feel like I want to magically
steal things, too.
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87. This must be what it's like when people
get called to the priesthood. I accept.
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88. Whoa! I've seen canned tuna,
but never canned Tina!
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89. Ugh! You're such a locker stalker.
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90. - Good one, Tammy.
I know.
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91. Oh, hi, Jimmy Jr.
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92. It's like I was padlocked
in a box, and you set me free.
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93. - Um, okay.
- Hi.
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94. How did you know my locker combination?
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95. It only took a couple thousand tries.
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96. - Allow me.
- Okay.
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97. Is there anything else
I could assist you with?
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98. Uh, I need to get my science book.
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99. - This perfectly ordinary textbook.
- Thanks.
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100. I could also assist
you with your magic act
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101. as your magician's assistant.
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102. Classy. Like a lady butler.
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103. Um, okay, I guess you could do that.
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104. I practice after school.
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105. - Okay, cool.
All right, see ya.
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106. - Yes! Yes! Yes! What?
What?
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107. Oh, I just found a cool book
I've been meaning to read.
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108. - Oh, it's mine.
- That's his!
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109. - Can I borrow it?
- No, I don't think so. I kind of need it.
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110. Okay, I'll read it here. Bye.
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111. Um, Jimmy Jr.?
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112. What, Tina?
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113. Maybe I should be facing
the audience, too?
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114. Fine.
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115. Um, okay, there's more.
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116. Remember?
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117. - The blades?
- I remember!
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118. Nobody is gonna be looking at you.
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119. They're looking at me.
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120. Stupid magic.
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121. Ta-dance!
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122. Uh, hello? Jimmy Jr.?
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123. - What, Tina?
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124. If this were a dancing competition,
forget about it.
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125. But you might want to put a little more
flair into the actual magic.
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126. What makes you such an expert?
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127. You've only been doing
magic for a day.
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128. I've been doing it for nine days!
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129. Jimmy Jr., they spilled a crate
of yogurt in the cafeteria!
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130. - Let's go slide around in it!
- Cool, Zeke.
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131. - Come on! Let's go!
- Wait up, Zeke!
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132. Okay, I'll be here.
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133. Sweep up all the confetti, okay?
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134. Okay, Gene, let's start
with an easy mark.
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135. Uh, there we go.
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136. - You distract while I extract.
- Got it.
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137. Andy, there's something
I need to ask you,
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138. but you have to really focus on me
while I'm saying these words!
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139. - Oh, okay!
- I'll focus, too!
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140. I've never done that before!
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141. What do you think of bacon?
Hmm?
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142. Bacon, bacon, bacon.
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143. Andy, someone's trying
to steal your candy!
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144. - Thanks, Ollie!
- You're welcome, Andy!
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145. Damn it, Ollie!
How did you know?
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146. I felt it coming out
of Andy's pocket!
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147. Get a womb, you wacky twins.
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148. That hurt my feelings.
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149. I felt it hurt your feelings!
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150. - You did?
- Yes!
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151. Ah-choo! Oh, I wish somebody had a really
long handkerchief up their sleeve.
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152. Anybody? Hmm?
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153. - Come on. Where's the pizazz-matazz?
- I thought they'd get more food.
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154. They split an order of fries
three hours ago
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155. and they haven't ordered anything since.
Now they're just loitering.
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156. They tricked you, Bob! It's what they do!
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157. So, Sazerac, can I get you
and your friends anything else?
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158. Remember, it's half off,
so don't hold back.
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159. Ah, well, your delicious fries
have left my fingers greasy.
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160. Bring me a huge plate of napkins.
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161. Well, how 'bout a burger?
I can get you a...
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162. - Napkins.
- All right, napkins.
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163. - Get him a napkin.
- I think he got your wallet again.
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164. And keys!
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165. - And your gas pills!
- And your dignity.
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166. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Great.
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167. Hi, I'm looking for a magician's
assistant's costume.
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168. - Something classy!
- So no butt cheek!
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169. Well, you're in luck!
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170. This is my last assistant's
costume in your size.
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171. The sequins are French crystal.
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172. - Well, French-Canadian.
- Is that good?
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173. - How much do you know about sequins?
- Nothing.
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174. They're the best.
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175. - She'll take it!
- Rented!
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176. Okay, what else? How's your magician set
for cups and balls?
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177. I beg your pardon!
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178. - Oh...
- That looks pretty advanced.
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179. My magician's better
with his feet than his hands.
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180. He's more of a dance-ician.
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181. Well, for those with only the slightest
sleight-of-hand,
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182. you can't go wrong with magic rope.
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183. - Ta-da!
- Great. I'll take that too.
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184. The only thing I need now is some magic
between me and my magician.
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185. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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186. Are you talking about mixing magic
and romance?
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187. - Big time.
- Don't do it!
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188. It's dangerous. Also, don't mix
magic with taxes. Or plumbing.
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189. That's okay. Danger is my middle name.
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190. - But I spell it R-U-T-H.
- It spells Ruth.
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191. - Yeah.
- Yeah, it does.
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192. Mm-hm.
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193. Looks like there's a wait, huh?
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194. - Yeah.
- Maybe I'll just come back later.
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195. Oh, hold on, that guy's getting up.
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196. No, he's levitating!
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197. - What?
- Nope, he was just leaning over to fart.
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198. You know what? I'll handle this.
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199. - What are you gonna do? What?
- Yeah, wait, you'll see.
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200. Look, guys, you've been here all day
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201. - working on one order of fries, so...
- Understood, Bob.
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202. Let me settle my tab.
Do you have change for this?
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203. Sorry I don't have anything smaller.
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204. No, you know what? To be honest, Sazerac,
I don't even enjoy this anymore.
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205. I don't— I honestly don't even like magic
that much now,
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206. because of you.
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207. So, you and your friends,
you now all pay full price.
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208. No magicians' discount.
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209. If that's how you feel,
you can have your fries back.
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210. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, God!
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211. Look, it says "Ta-da"!
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212. That's it! I don't care that that
was good.
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213. You and your regurgitated potatoes
and the rest of your magic buddies,
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214. you're banned!
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215. Bob, you can't just ban them
because they're magicians!
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216. This isn't the '60s, you know.
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217. Fellow conjurers, let's go somewhere
our craft is appreciated.
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218. Like my mother's!
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219. Oh, and one last thing, Bob.
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220. Your name goes in the book.
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221. - What book?
- The "Enemies of Magic" book.
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222. Good! I want to be in your stupid book
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223. because I am an enemy of magic!
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224. Well, then this is the perfect book
for you!
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225. - Will this page do?
- Love it!
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226. Don't gasp, Linda! Don't you gasp!
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227. Rest assured, Bob, I will never set foot
in this restaurant again.
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228. And yet, you will never be rid of me!
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229. - I just got chills!
- Oh, my God.
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230. - Come on, J-Ju, get your dance on!
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231. - I'm doing it, Zeke.
- My little tiny dancer.
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232. Here we go!
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233. Look, Jimmy Jr., I got something new
for our act—
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234. - magic rope.
- Cool! A rope!
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235. Um— No, that's not how it works.
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236. - Yee-haw!
Whoo!
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237. - No...
- Giddy up, magic cowboy!
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238. Look, you're supposed to cut the rope,
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239. then restore it. I can show you.
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240. - Oh, cool, scissors!
- Jimmy Jr...
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241. Jimmy Jr., stop.
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242. - Tina, move!
- Listen to me!
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243. - Stop. I can't dance
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244. to the sound of you telling me what to do.
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245. Yeah! Boom!
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246. I'm trying to help.
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247. Assist me assist you.
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248. You know what, Tina? This isn't working.
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249. - That's why we have to keep practicing.
- No, this, isn't working.
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250. I am firing you.
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251. - What?
- You can't stop my dancing!
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252. You can't tie me up with your magic rope!
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253. Holy moly! Tell it, James Ju!
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254. I'm not trying to tie you up,
you gorgeous idiot!
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255. Maybe I should enter this stupid
contest myself
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256. just to show you an actual magic act!
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257. - You see that, Zeke?
- Yeah.
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258. - She got pretty mad.
- She's a trip.
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259. Her face turned purple.
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260. Plus, you're not even
a magician, Tina.
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261. I am now! Oh. It worked in the store.
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262. - Look, Zeke, tassels!
- Yeah!
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263. Come on, let me touch 'em.
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264. So, you and your magician split up—
big surprise.
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265. Jimmy Jr. thinks assistants
should be sequined and not heard.
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266. So, presto. Now I'm the magician.
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267. So, uh, what do you got for this
no-trick pony, eh? Set her up.
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268. Young lady, you're in luck.
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269. Here's a classic of escapology—
the straitjacket.
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270. Last one in your size.
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271. It just takes a little bit of practice
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272. and some dislocateable shoulders.
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273. I'll dislocate Jimmy Jr.'s heart,
and my shoulders.
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274. You sound like you could use
the full revenge package.
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275. For just $19.95, you could get this.
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276. Hmm, interesting.
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277. "Dirty Tricks: When Doves Cry.
The Art of Magic Sabotage."
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278. I want to win fair and square.
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279. Keeping it clean?
I have just the thing. Aha.
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280. "Winning Clean: A Guide to Not Cheating
in Magic Competitions."
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281. I'll just take the straitjacket.
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282. It's not gonna be the last time
she says that.
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283. It's our family motto!
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284. Wow. This place looks pretty big
without all those magicians in it.
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285. - Oh.
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286. Wow, that's never happened before.
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287. That flustered the heck out of me.
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288. - Can I get some water, Bobby?
- Yeah, sure.
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289. - What the hell?
- Bobby, it's the curse!
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290. Oh! What curse?
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291. The curse of Sazerac!
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292. Linda's right, Bob. You're cursed.
You're in the "Enemies of Magic" book.
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293. We're not cursed.
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294. - We're not cursed.
- You are.
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295. You're the one who's cursed.
It's your name in the book.
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296. The black magic death book.
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297. Look, it's just a bunch of stupid tricks.
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298. Someone must've snuck in and...
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299. - Where are you going?
- What? Nowhere.
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300. If something heavy falls on you,
I don't want to...
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301. I want to be able to help you, bye.
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302. - I'm not cursed!
- Aah! I don't want to die!
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303. I'm not sure I can escape
from my straitjacket.
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304. Maybe I should have stuck
to being an assistant.
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305. No. You're really talented.
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306. Tammy? What are you doing?
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307. I'm Jimmy Jr.'s new assistant.
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308. You couldn't even wait
until the zigzag box was cold?
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309. Oh, I thought I smelled your B.O.
in there.
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310. Uh-oh. Battle of the training bras.
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311. I feel like I'm back in diapers
at divorce court!
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312. You know what really stinks,
Tammy? His act.
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313. It's not magic, it's tragic.
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314. - Don't be such a rhymin' hymen, Tina.
- Yeah, Tina.
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315. - You're not even good at it.
- Yeah, Tina.
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316. Oh, Jimmy Jr., you make me so mad!
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317. - What are you gonna do about it?
- I'll take it.
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318. Here you go!
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319. Do you have something caught
in your throat?
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320. That was my evil laugh.
I also have something caught in my throat.
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321. - And we're in.
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322. His magic cape won't be so magic
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323. when the hidden pockets are stapled shut.
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324. - Guys, code red, Hocus and Dopus!
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325. Tina, start stapling! Hurry!
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326. Done.
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327. Go! Split up!
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328. You missed the cape, Tina!
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329. Oh, hi, Jimmy Jr.
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330. We were just leaving in that direction.
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331. Man, I wish I had siblings
I could walk that close with.
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332. My brother's 44.
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333. There has to be something
in here that will ruin Jimmy Jr.
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334. This one would be great,
if we had eight weeks,
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335. 25 rabbits and a fireman's hose.
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336. Ooh, look at this one.
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337. "Find the heart of his act,
and cut it out."
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338. Like when Shelley Long left Cheers.
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339. Okay, Tina, time to put on
your straitjacket.
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340. Oh, all this white,
it's like your wedding day.
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341. - Oh, I'm tearing up!
- Thank you, Mother.
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342. I must prepare.
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343. Boy, she's really in the zone, huh?
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344. Uh, I think I should stay here, Lin.
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345. Protect the restaurant
from another Sazerac attack.
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346. - A Saz attack.
- Forget the restaurant, Bob.
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347. You're gonna be cursed. You might as well
come support your daughter.
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348. And let's be honest, Dad, how much more
cursed can you really get?
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349. What, is he gonna give you
an even weirder body?
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350. - Thanks, Louise.
- You got it.
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351. Great. Sazerac's the emcee.
I can't get away from that idiot.
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352. So maybe, I'm going to get even with him.
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353. What?
- I mean, uh, nothing.
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354. Be right back. Good luck, Tina.
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355. Okay, my little Teenie-Weenie Houdini!
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356. - Go kick some butt!
- Some butt, or one butt?
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357. Okay.
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358. We need to go, too, Mom.
Uh, I'm Tina's silk scarf wrangler.
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359. And I'm the one who has to make sure
there's nothing up her sleeves.
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360. I love that. All right, Team Tina!
Go, Team Tina!
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361. Enjoy your complimentary cold-cuts,
Saza-jerk!
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362. The "Enemies of Magic" book!
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363. David Cassidy? Larry Bird?
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364. Diane Keaton?
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365. Ha! My name's not in your book
anymore, Sazerac, but this is!
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366. Uh-oh, that's not good.
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367. Ow. That's a peppercorn.
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368. - Say that again.
- Now we cut out the heart
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369. of Jimmy Jr.'s act and put in this.
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370. "Poly-rhythmic synth-jazz"!
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371. No one can dance to that.
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372. That's right. Not even Jimmy Jr.
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373. Yeah!
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374. Here's the new music
for Jimmy Jr.'s act.
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375. Um, I don't see anything
on my list about new music.
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376. Look, we did a Kickstarter
to make this music
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377. - and now you have to play it!
- Oh, okay, okay! All right!
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378. Oh, boy. I snuck into Sazerac's
dressing room
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379. and I found his stupid book
and tore my name out.
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380. What? You did what?
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381. Ooh.
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382. You smell like salami.
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383. Thank you, and welcome
to the Young Magician's Competition!
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384. These kids are the magic stars
of the future.
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385. Well, not all of them.
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386. Some will give up,
become teachers, doctors...
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387. I know, I know. I agree, but come on.
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388. Let's hear it for our first contestant,
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389. the Amazing Jimmy Pesto Jr.
and his assistant, Tammy Larson!
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390. - That's not my music.
- Just go with it.
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391. I can't dance to this!
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392. - Damn it!
- It looks like he's having a funky stroke.
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393. I miss you, Grandpa!
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394. This doesn't bother me at all,
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395. watching my almost boyfriend
get horribly humiliated...
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396. Ah! Yes, it does! I can't do this!
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397. I gotta save him. It's not too late.
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398. Oh, maybe it is too late.
Still, I've gotta try.
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399. What are you doing out here?
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400. Trying to save you.
I switched your music to something
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401. - with a nine-eight time signature.
- That's like dance kryptonite!
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402. I know, I'm sorry. I was really mad at you
for firing me
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403. and for replacing me with Tammy.
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404. I'm sorry, too, for being so sensitive
about my dancing.
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405. What do we do now?
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406. We have the rest of our lives
to figure that out.
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407. - No, I mean right now.
- Oh.
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408. Get off the stage, Tina!
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409. You're not his assistant.
I am! Deal with it!
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410. Sorry, Tammy, I can't hear you
while you're rolling away so fast.
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411. - Hi, Tammy! Bye, Tammy!
- Great magic!
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412. Should I do a trick?
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413. No, I'll be the magician and you assist me
with your dancing.
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414. I told you, I can't dance to this music!
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415. And I probably can't get out of this.
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416. - But follow my lead anyway.
- Okay, Tina.
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417. - Is this part of the show?
- Yeah, right? Do a trick!
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418. And now, with the help
of my lovely assistant,
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419. I will perform an amazing escape
from the Jacket of Doom.
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420. Huh. I thought we were getting revenge.
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421. More like revenge on us, having to watch.
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422. Ho-ho. And now for the master
to become the mark...
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423. This isn't going well...
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424. - Ta-dance.
- Hah!
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425. And now, for the winner
of the Young Magician's Competition.
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426. - The envelope, please.
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427. I can't believe you got out of that thing.
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428. - How'd you do it?
- Magic.
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429. Off-topic: would you mind
popping my shoulder back in?
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430. - Yeah, sure.
Ugh. Thank you.
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431. - Now, that's what I call air mail!
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432. The $500 grand prize goes to...
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433. Peter Pescadero, the Impescadaralist!
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434. Ooh!
- I can't turn it off! Thank you!
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435. And the Honorable Mention Award
for Onstage Chemistry goes to...
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436. Tina Belcher and Jimmy Pesto Jr.!
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437. Go, Tina!
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438. - What?
- "Onstage Chemistry"?
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439. That's almost as good
as offstage chemistry.
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440. Why don't you two nerds
go have wizard babies?
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441. Enjoy your prize.
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442. A $50 gift certificate from
Wands! Wands! Wands! magic shop.
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443. Can't be applied
to the purchase of wands.
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444. - Sweet. Thanks, Tina.
- Don't thank me, thank my lips.
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445. Thanks, lips!
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446. See ya!
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447. Now I see him, now I don't.
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448. Way to go, Tina! Your trick was the best!
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449. - Everyone was talking about it.
- Thanks, Mom. Cool if we don't hug?
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450. So you won the Honorable Mention
Onstage Chemistry award.
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451. That's something, right?
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452. No, I've thought about it
and I don't think it is anything.
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453. Meanwhile, I picked my first pocket.
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454. Sazerac's.
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455. Oh, the "Enemies of Magic" book.
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456. Thanks, Louise, but I already tore
my name out and look what I put in.
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457. Wait, what is this?
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458. "Look on the back of the page
you tore out."
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459. "Dear Bob, I knew this
is how it would end...
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460. you sneaking into
my dressing room, licking my cold-cuts,
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461. and ripping your name out of the book,
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462. which I then let Louise
take from my pocket.
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463. He let me take it?
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464. Wow. That guy is good.
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465. - Yeah, he's great!
- There's a P.S.
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466. P.S. I farted on the meat!
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467. Oh! Oh, God!
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468. Oh! Well, I hope you learned
your lesson, Bob.
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469. - Don't lick meat.
- Disagree.
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