1. Get out your Goat horns, folks.
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2. It's time for some
Blue Mountain State football.
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3. The players report today, and I tell you,
Dennis, nobody knows what to expect
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4. after last year's
scandal-ridden championship season.
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5. Well, I can tell you
exactly what to expect, Gene.
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6. Hard work, dedication,
and at the end of the day,
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7. another championship season
for Coach Marty Daniels.
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8. What's that, Dad?
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9. Oh, really?
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10. I'm not gonna amount to anything?
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11. Well, I'm the new mascot. So look at me now!
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12. Oh, yeah. I'll mow the lawn when I get home.
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13. - Come here.
- What are you doing?
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14. Alex?
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15. Sneak up behind me and smash me
over the head with a beer bottle.
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16. What do you mean "sneak up behind you"?
You're looking in a mirror.
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17. - Do it!
- No way.
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18. I'm not smashing a beer bottle
over your head. You're an idiot.
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19. - Come on, you owe me!
- For what?
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20. For fingering Vicky underneath the bleachers.
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21. That was in middle school. Get over it.
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22. Oh, I'm sorry.
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23. I didn't realize there was a time limit
on broken hearts.
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24. What was her last name?
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25. - Mmm . . .
- Mmm?
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26. College . . .
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27. College, college,
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28. college, college, college, college!
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29. Are you . . . Are you all right?
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30. - Yeah.
- Yeah?
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31. Yeah!
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32. Hi. We're here courtesy of
the Blue Mountain State Football Boosters.
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33. We're looking for Alex Moran.
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34. - Oh, I'm Alex Moran.
- I'm Alex Moran.
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35. - Sweet Jesus, yes.
- Oh, man. Look at this.
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36. Come in.
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37. The newcomer at camp is someone
everyone is excited about. Craig Shilo.
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38. Yes!
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39. Absolutely.
Anytime you have success...
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40. You hear that, baby?
They're already talking about me.
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41. Of course they are, baby.
You are gonna own this town.
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42. - Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.
- Hmm.
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43. We play here for three years,
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44. - then we get a Heisman . . .
- Mmm-hmm.
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45. Sign our endorsement deals, turn pro,
get married.
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46. Wow! I like where this is going . . .
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47. Uh-uh!
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48. Not until we're married.
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49. How many times I got to say it?
Seriously, Craig . . .
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50. And that reminds me we better get married
before you turn pro.
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51. Otherwise people gonna think
I married you for your money.
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52. Hi, we're looking for Craig Shilo.
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53. Mmm-hmm.
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54. Oh, my God, Sammy, this is awesome!
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55. This is the best.
You know what would make it better?
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56. - Let me in!
- No!
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57. - Who is that guy?
- I'm gonna be the mascot on the team.
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58. Well, I'm gonna try out. It doesn't matter.
Just let me in.
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59. - No!
- No!
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60. Come on! He's not even
the starting quarterback.
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61. I'm the backup quarterback, okay?
And it's working out great so far.
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62. Come on, man, just let me in.
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63. You know I'm not gonna do anything
but watch.
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64. - GlRL: I think she broke my nose!
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65. Ugh!
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66. Damn it!
Those bitches got blood on my shirt.
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67. Oh, well.
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68. - At least they didn't get you.
- Yeah.
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69. - 'Cause you're mine. Right?
- Yeah.
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70. Yeah!
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71. Sammy!
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72. Hi.
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73. Yes! First one done!
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74. Once upon a time, some weak, pathetic pussy
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75. coined the phrase,
"Winning isn't everything."
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76. Well, for most people in most situations
he was right,
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77. but I'm not one of those people.
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78. And this is not one of those situations.
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79. Blue Mountain State has won
17 national championships right on this field.
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80. Six on my watch alone.
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81. Because we don't just beat
our opponents, gentlemen.
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82. We crush their will to live.
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83. We suck the milk out of their mothers tits.
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84. And use it as mouthwash.
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85. We rip off their dicks
and invite them to an orgy.
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86. Use their Vagisil as lip balm.
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87. Shh.
- You got something to say, son?
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88. No, Coach.
No, I'm just studying the playbook.
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89. Where do you come from?
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90. - Cheyenne, Wyoming.
- Wrong. Shilo, same question.
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91. Columbus, Ohio, sir.
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92. No, god damn it!
Mountain Goats, where do we come from?
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93. From our fathers' balls, sir!
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94. From our fathers' balls.
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95. Most men think they just dropped
out of their mothers' womb
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96. like some glorified jellyfish.
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97. But champions know
they came from their fathers' balls.
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98. Now I want you to go home tonight
and think about that.
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99. And think hard about what category
you fall into.
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100. All right, ladies, bring it in on three.
One, two, three!
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101. Go, Goats!
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102. All freshies stay right where you are.
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103. Welcome to freshman hell week.
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104. Welcome to my world.
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105. I want to see every one of you freshies
as hairless as the day you were born.
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106. Boom-shaka-laka!
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107. We don't have to shave inside the crack,
do we?
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108. Don't go near my crack, man.
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109. - I want you screaming for your mom.
- This is bullshit.
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110. I was the national high school player
of the year last year.
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111. Do I see armpit hair?
Why did you not shave his armpits?
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112. - Are you looking at me?
- I'm Alex, by the way.
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113. - Craig Shilo.
- Yeah, I know.
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114. This is only the beginning,
you pieces of shit.
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115. Pay close attention to what I hold in my hand.
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116. It's a notebook.
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117. Each one of you will be given
one of your own.
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118. It contains secrets about
each member of this team.
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119. You will protect these secrets
with your lives.
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120. Any freshie who loses contact
with their notebook at any time
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121. over the next week will be in a world of pain.
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122. Okay, hold on a second.
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123. This is freshman hell week? Really?
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124. First you ask us to shave each other's nuts
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125. and then ask us to protect
each other's secrets.
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126. Have you got a problem with that?
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127. Can't you just beat us up or something?
This just seems a little
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128. gay.
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129. - Gay?
- Gay.
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130. It's called hazing, asshole. Look it up.
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131. Okay.
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132. And what about you?
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133. - I didn't say anything.
- Oh, no!
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134. Top recruit?
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135. You think you're
the captain of this team already?
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136. You think you've got the Heisman
all locked up.
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137. Bromigo?
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138. You think you and your friend can
come in here and say whatever you want?
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139. - No, I didn't . . .
- Wrong!
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140. I'm the captain of this team
and I get to say whatever I want!
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141. And I say . . .
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142. Party at the Goathouse!
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143. BMS!
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144. Go Goats!
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145. Yeah! Nice one! Sorry I'm late, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.
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146. Where am I going? What am I doing?
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147. - Late for what?
- For the mascot tryouts.
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148. I'm gonna love this place.
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149. There aren't any tryouts.
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150. We already have our mascot.
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151. Chester.
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152. No. No!
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153. Please, you've got to just give me a shot.
I swear to God you guys are gonna love me.
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154. You heard the lady. Position's filled.
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155. Okay. Okay. I see what's going on here.
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156. You're afraid of me.
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157. You're afraid of a little competition.
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158. I'm 6'4". I ain't afraid of nothing.
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159. I'm gonna rip your ears off!
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160. Yes, please.
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161. - No, thank you.
- No, thank you.
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162. - No, thank you.
- Yes, please.
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163. - Really?
- What? Yeah.
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164. - She's like a mother of four.
- I'll make her a mother of five.
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165. - Shilo!
- What's up, man?
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166. - Let's grab a beer.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
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167. I'm not drinking tonight.
I promised my girlfriend.
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168. - That's a good one.
- That's really funny.
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169. - That's great.
- I am gonna puke tonight.
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170. - Okay, so you have a girlfriend?
- Yes.
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171. That's cute. That's cute.
When's the wedding date?
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172. Ah, no, no, we've only been together
a year and a half. So . . .
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173. Oh, you're serious?
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174. - Yes.
- You brought a girlfriend to college?
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175. - Yes.
- Word of advice.
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176. Make sure this guy doesn't try to finger
your girlfriend underneath the bleachers.
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177. - What?
- Really? Really?
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178. Sorry. It's hard for me.
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179. - That's my roommate Sammy.
- Best friend.
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180. - I'm his best . . .
- Oh, there you are.
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181. - Excuse me. Hey, baby.
- Oh, my God!
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182. - Mmm, can I get two?
- Mmm, yes.
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183. Okay, look, I want to introduce you
to Al and Gary.
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184. They are accounting majors.
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185. So I thought
maybe we could sit down to . . .
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186. Are you drinking?
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187. I am.
- Me, too.
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188. No, I'm not drinking.
I just was talking to some of the guys . . .
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189. And drinking, but it's fine.
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190. You know, you guys'll just be
all hung over tomorrow for practice,
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191. but I guess that's what champions do.
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192. That won't affect me much. I'm a backup.
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193. - Okay, you say that like you're proud.
I think it's cool.
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194. Backup QB is the best position in sports.
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195. Fact, I get drunk all the time,
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196. I don't have to show up to class
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197. and it's just like being a real QB,
but without all the pain.
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198. Fact, you can't get a hot girl
like this like that.
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199. - Thank you, baby.
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200. Oh!
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201. Well, I will get all your leftovers.
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202. I call it trickle-down banging.
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203. - Trickle-down banging?
- That's trademarked, by the way.
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204. - Well done.
- Thank you.
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205. Ugh! Real motivated friends
you've made, Craig.
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206. Thank you.
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207. if you want to find me,
I will be in the pool house.
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208. - Discussing our financial future.
- Baby, I barely even know these guys.
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209. - Sure.
- See you later.
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210. - Baby. Denise!
- I'm sorry.
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211. - Forget her.
- Seriously.
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212. Forget her. You really think
she's gonna risk you dumping her
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213. for a quickie
with a couple of accounting majors?
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214. - Those guys were dorks.
- No, she doesn't do that.
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215. She doesn't . . . She doesn't do what?
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216. - What, accounting majors?
No, no, no!
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217. I don't think he's talking about
accounting majors at all.
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218. What is it that Denise doesn't do?
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219. - Have sex.
- What?
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220. Are you freaking kidding me?
You could get with any girl here.
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221. - I don't want to get with any girl here.
Help me then!
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222. Look, Denise just wants her first time
to be special and I don't blame her.
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223. Wow, I don't know whether to pat you
on the back or choke you out.
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224. - I do.
- Come on, man.
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225. What's the frequency, losers?
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226. Puke session.
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227. Notebooks. Let's see 'em.
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228. Still think this place is gay, Shilo?
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229. - Actually, that's . . . That's really gay.
- It's two chicks making out.
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230. No, I don't think
he's saying that's a bad thing.
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231. That's just actually gay.
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232. Yeah, and my face
actually just looks like your ass.
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233. Hey, you can't talk to him that way.
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234. He challenges you to a game of beer pong.
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235. - No, I don't.
- You're on.
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236. Beer pong right now. Let's go, Larry.
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237. - Get off me, Larry.
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238. Hey, what the hell is wrong with you, man?
You know I can't get drunk tonight.
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239. Dude, you won't have to get drunk tonight.
I'm really good at this.
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240. Look out, Billy.
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241. Look at that jackass.
- What? I wasn't
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242. puking.
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243. - Oh, it's you.
- I must've ate something bad.
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244. Yeah, probably a dick.
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245. Hey, this is my fight. I'll say the insults.
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246. Yeah, you probably ate a dick.
Later, dickbreath.
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247. I'll kill you.
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248. Line it up and put some backspin on it.
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249. - Hold on.
- Put it there.
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250. I thought you said you was amazing?
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251. Congratulations, Craig.
You caught me. I'm a liar.
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252. You want to see amazing?
I'll show you amazing.
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253. Oh!
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254. That one's yours,
'cause you didn't put the backspin on it.
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255. - Drink, drink, drink.
- I'm going to.
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256. Just say yes
and mummy will make it all better.
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257. Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
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258. Yes, please.
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259. - Hold that.
- Dirty dog.
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260. Is that piss?
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261. Is that piss?
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262. That's . . . That's piss.
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263. That's piss. That's piss.
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264. - Hello?
- Sammy,
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265. I've got a little bit of a situation here.
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266. I pissed my bed last night or she did . . .
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267. I don't know. I have practice in 10 minutes.
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268. I need you to go in my room and grab
my notebook, 'cause I can't go in there,
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269. 'cause the cougar's still in there
and it's under my mattress.
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270. Who is this?
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271. I know it was you.
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272. You came in here last night,
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273. you pulled out that little cock of yours
and pissed all over me.
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274. You don't remember, do you?
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275. I've been waiting for a big strong man
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276. like you to come along.
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277. And put this naughty little girl in her place.
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278. No one is going to believe this.
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279. - Go, blue 18!
Side, left side. Blue 18.
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280. Hike!
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281. Get that guy! Stop him!
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282. 9/11, baby! 9/11!
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283. Never forget!
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284. God damn it!
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285. I can't believe they're making us practice
with these stupid notebooks.
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286. I don't even have mine.
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287. Wait till you hear this.
You're not gonna believe where it is.
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288. - I was with . . .
- Stop.
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289. I don't want to know.
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290. Second team!
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291. I'll see you at dinner, sweet pea.
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292. Break!
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293. - Move back! Let's move 'em back!
- Fifty-four is the mike!
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294. Fifty-four is the mike! Blue 18.
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295. Blue 18! Set! Hike!
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296. That a boy, Moran.
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297. You keep making throws like that,
you'll be a starter.
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298. No, thanks, Coach. I'm good.
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299. What did you say?
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300. I said, "Thank you, Coach." Thanks.
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301. Run it again.
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302. - Right now?
Run it again!
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303. Blue 18! Blue 18!
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304. Set! Hut!
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305. What are you doing?
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306. Good times.
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307. "Darren Larson, my parents are first cousins."
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308. - That's horrible.
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309. "Larry Summers,
I've never been to Disneyland."
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310. - Lame!
- That's not even a secret.
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311. "Chester Tam . . ."
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312. Oh, what is it, silly? Who's Chester?
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313. He's the soon-to-be ex-mascot
of the Mountain Goats.
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314. Notebook.
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315. Hey, look,
I'm gonna show Thad my notebook,
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316. then I'm gonna pass it to you
behind my back.
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317. No! No way.
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318. I am tired of letting that prick
ruin our good times,
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319. so I'm gonna tell the guy he sucks
and I don't have my notebook.
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320. And then I'm gonna get my ass kicked,
not you.
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321. Look, this is not a negotiation, all right?
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322. I listened to you last night
and everything went to shit.
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323. Now I'm hung over
and Denise won't talk to me.
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324. Well, you should be thanking me.
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325. That girls sucks.
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326. What'd you say?
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327. I said your girlfriend sucks.
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328. Look, she introduces you
to a couple of accounting majors
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329. at your first Goathouse party
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330. and then gives you shit
about drinking a beer?
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331. - Notebook.
- Hold on.
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332. Plus, there is no way that that girl is a virgin.
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333. Virgins don't go to state colleges. Wake up!
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334. - I said "notebook," buttmunch.
- Say that again.
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335. Say that shit again. I dare you.
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336. All of it?
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337. Yeah! Dog pile!
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338. Get 'em!
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339. No! Don't break 'em up.
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340. That Moran kid seems to have a problem
that needs correcting.
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341. He was gonna punch him in the face!
Come on!
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342. Yeah.
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343. Well, at least they didn't ask
for my notebook.
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344. I'm sorry.
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345. I know it's hard without me
running off my mouth
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346. and with all the pressure
and the scholarships . . .
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347. Forget all that.
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348. I just want to have sex with Denise.
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349. I've had blue balls for two years.
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350. Do you have any idea what that feels like?
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351. I can't say that I do, no.
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352. But Denise says that all the pent up
testosterone makes me play better.
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353. Okay, listen.
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354. All I'm saying
is that you can be king of this school.
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355. But what's the point of being king
if you can't enjoy it?
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356. Me? I'm gonna end up
a middle-school gym teacher,
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357. just like my dad, and I'm okay with that.
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358. But I owe it to myself to get drunk and laid
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359. as often as possible over the next four years.
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360. And so do you. All right?
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361. Yo, you gonna cheat on your wife
like your dad did, too?
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362. - See, I told you he'd show up.
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363. - Here's your notebook.
- Thank you.
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364. Hey, asshole!
Get off the field, this is a closed practice!
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365. Okay. Do you guys know
where the trophy room is?
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366. What's in the trophy room?
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367. Trophies, Alex.
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368. And revenge.
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369. Whoa!
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370. I wonder which one
turns you on more, Chester.
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371. The 1982 men's basketball team trophy
or the team photo?
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372. What are you talking about, idiot?
I dropped my ring in my pants.
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373. Sure, you did.
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374. Page 26 of the Goatbook! "Chester Tam.
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375. "l jerk off in the trophy room every morning
in full mascot gear."
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376. It's for good luck, okay? Some people
carry around a lucky rabbit's foot . . .
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377. And some people jerk off in trophy rooms,
I get it.
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378. I get it.
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379. Listen. I've drawn up your resignation,
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380. all you gotta do is sign it
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381. and we can forget all this ever happened.
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382. You think you can just blackmail me? Huh?
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383. I'm untouchable.
I'm just gonna blackmail you right back.
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384. The camera's still on, bitch.
I just videotaped you saying that.
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385. You also just videotaped yourself
saying that you're blackmailing me.
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386. I'm gonna erase that part.
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387. - Huh . . .
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388. - Oh, Shilo.
- Go to hell.
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389. Gentlemen, we're assembled here today
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390. because these two pricks
lost contact with their notebooks.
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391. What?
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392. I didn't lose my notebook.
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393. - Oh, no?
No.
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394. I know someone who would disagree.
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395. Thank you, Thad.
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396. As many of you know,
I like to have sex with football players.
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397. I do it because I care about this team.
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398. A team is only as strong
as its weakest player.
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399. And right now your weakest player is Alex.
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400. Alex didn't have his notebook
with him yesterday.
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401. I know this because I had it.
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402. Alex was a bad, bad, bad, bad boy.
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403. Yeah.
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404. I think he deserves to be punished.
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405. Okay.
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406. Grazie, Pauline.
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407. So, Thad, why am I here?
I never lost my notebook.
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408. Oh, that's right, Mr. Perfect.
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409. You never lose anything.
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410. Well, let me introduce you
to the first thing you'll ever lose.
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411. It's a chocolate cookie race!
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412. Yes! Yes! Yes!
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413. - Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Who are you?
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414. I'm your new mascot. This is for you.
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415. It's Chester's letter of resignation.
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416. And this is for you.
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417. Who's fingering whose girlfriend now?
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418. - Is that my bed?
- Yeah, and that's piss all over it.
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419. That's sick.
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420. What's wrong with you?
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421. - What's wrong with you?
- I don't know.
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422. - So you're the new mascot?
- Yes, I am.
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423. - Where's your notebook?
- I didn't get a notebook.
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424. You . . . Yeah, you need a . . .
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425. Get this guy a jockstrap and a cookie!
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426. Thad's racing with us?
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427. Wouldn't miss it.
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428. I am so sick of this shit.
I'm winning this race.
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429. Yeah, I'll believe it
when I see it, moron.
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430. - Okay.
- Okay.
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431. The rules are we each put a cookie
between our butt cheeks,
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432. then we race to the finish line.
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433. if you drop your cookie, you lose.
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434. Then the losers, a.k.a. you a-holes,
will have to eat your cookies.
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435. This seems very gay.
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436. It's not gay! Stop saying that!
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437. Okay.
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438. On your mark,
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439. get set . . .
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440. Go!
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441. I'm not winning. I'm not winning.
I'm not winning.
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442. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
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443. Why the hell is Thad racing?
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444. That's dedication.
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445. You want to do this? Let's do this.
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446. Come on!
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447. Yes! I knew you were gonna win!
- Enjoy that cookie, asshole!
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448. Not so fast.
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449. I think you all forgot something.
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450. It fell out your ass 10 yards back!
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451. I was watching the whole time!
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452. Yeah!
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453. Yeah! Yes! Yes! Eat it!
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454. Mess with the bull, you get the horns.
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455. Yeah!
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456. - Yeah!
- What? Yeah!
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457. We had that asshole beat.
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458. Cookie! Cookie!
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459. - Yeah, we did.
- Yeah, we did.
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460. Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie!
Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie!
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461. - Cookie! Cookie! Cookie!
- To college.
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462. - To college!
- To college!
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463. Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie!
Cookie! Cookie!
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464. Tonight's episode
featured music by Rev Theory,
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465. available now on bms.spike.com.
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