1. - I wasn't even talking about
waffles.
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2. You always change the subject
when you're confronted.
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3. - All the square cups in a
waffle
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4. hold the pools of syrup
way better than pancakes.
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5. - Dammit Blark, reel yourself in
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6. and have a human conversation
with me.
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7. I am your son and I deserve that
respect.
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8. Now did you or did you
not replace my clothes
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9. with smaller sizes to make me
feel like
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10. I was growing into a man?
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11. - The syrup just slides off the
pancake.
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12. - That's it, I have had enough!
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13. You know what, you were
right, I'm not a man, dad.
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14. I don't have the muscles,
I don't have the grit,
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15. the brawn the stubble, none of
it!
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16. Sorry I am not the son you
wanted,
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17. but as far as I'm concerned,
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18. I am not even your son anymore.
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19. I am just a nerdy roommate
in a lonely old man's house.
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20. Now get out of my room!
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21. - I love you?
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22. - Well I hate you!
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23. - Dang bro',
do you really hate him?
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24. - I mean right now, yeah.
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25. All this wish my son was a man
crap is just getting to me.
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26. I wish he would just accept
me for who I am, you know?
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27. - Fathers can be
tough, man.
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28. I have 12.
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29. - Hey thanks, dad.
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30. Nice way to get back at
my good side, ya ass hat.
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31. - What the?
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32. How did you.
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33. - Dad?
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34. You okay?
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35. Hey dad, there's a girl in
my room I want you to meet!
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36. Dad?
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37. Chimpy took my dad?
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38. - Oh yeah, well
I hate you!
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39. - Chimpy took my dad.
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40. - Scared little boy, I eat your
head now.
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41. Oh fuck.
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42. Huh?
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43. Fletch, what the hell, man?
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44. Do you know what's happening?
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45. Chimpy, I think he took my dad.
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46. - Shh, quiet son.
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47. This ain't no time to whine.
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48. A chimpanzee has heisted your
father
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49. and my best friend
straight from his own bed.
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50. This ain't no kid game, son.
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51. If you're gonna go in there,
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52. ain't no choice about
it, you gotta be a man.
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53. - Can we just drop this
stupid man thing already?
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54. - Now listen up, 30 yards
southeast,
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55. you're gonna see a cold-hearted
knuckle dragging man-beast
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56. that eats little dough
boys like you for supper.
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57. Uses them bones for toothpicks,
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58. blends your teeth as
laxative before squatting
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59. his muscly ass down and
you out
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60. in this God forsaken jungle!
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61. - Fletch!
- Hm?
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62. - I am not getting monkey
pooped into a dirt hole.
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63. I am finding my dad.
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64. Now are you gonna help me or
not?
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65. - When you're about 10 feet
from your scorn ship brother,
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66. stomp your right foot twice
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67. and I'll come flying from the
brush
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68. like a goddam cannonball to
monkey doom!
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69. - Fly from the brush?
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70. Don't you have a gun or
something?
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71. - Shush, child.
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72. I will help you.
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73. Just remember, you
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74. are
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75. not
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76. alone.
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77. - Wait wait wait wait, please
don't leave me!
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78. - Jimminy cricket!
- Stacey!
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79. What the hell?
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80. - Son, oh please, please
help me.
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81. A monkey came, he came into my
house
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82. and he took Junior and I hostage
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83. and he dressed me like his
girlfriend
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84. and your dad, your dad
is there too, oh God.
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85. Oh God, son, sweet Jesus, I got
out,
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86. I got out, I just escaped.
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87. Quick, how do I get out of here?
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88. - Back yard is that way.
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89. What about Junior and my dad?
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90. - Listen, son?
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91. There comes a time in a man's
life
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92. where he has to choose, his
family or himself and I know,
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93. I know this looks like I'm
choosing myself right now,
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94. but I'm actually gonna go
get help for my family.
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95. So, maybe you should just be a
man with me
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96. and run, run away!
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97. - Stupid boy, comes to
jungle to die.
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98. - He came to save me.
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99. I know this is
counter-productive,
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100. but I kind of feel like
I can die happy now.
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101. - Die.
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102. - Listen, Chimpy, you have
had your fun, now let them go.
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103. I am the one you want.
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104. - You think I stoop,
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105. - Mother got me
good!
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106. This wound ain't fatal,
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107. but I am definitely going to
urgent care.
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108. I'm sorry, son, but I cannot
help you.
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109. You are alone.
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110. Man, that shit hurts.
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111. How the they got a
jungle in their backyard?
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112. Don't even
make geographical sense!
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113. - Your plan ruined.
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114. Now, you fight me like a man.
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115. - Son, I love you, but you can't
win.
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116. Leave me.
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117. I'll become one with the soil.
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118. Plant some grass in my name.
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119. - Take your best shot,
boy.
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120. - I am sorry for everything
you have been through, Chimpy.
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121. Being abandoned as a teenager,
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122. then fending for yourself
until you finally
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123. got to come home, only to be a
pawn
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124. in one of my dad's stupid
lessons,
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125. that's not fair,
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126. but if you ever need a brother
to talk to,
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127. I am here.
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128. - A real man.
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129. - All this time, Chimpy just
wanted love.
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130. - Die you stupid, fucking
monkey!
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131. - Holy
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132. - Nobody takes my son away.
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133. - A real dad!
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134. - No!
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135. Chimpy, my son,
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136. I'm sorry.
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137. - No,
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138. I sorry, papa.
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139. I no good son.
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140. He good son.
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141. No, good man.
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142. - All right, Junior, you're safe
now.
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143. Daddy broke federal law by
murdering an endangered species.
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144. Let's go home.
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145. - Oh, I love you, dad.
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146. - Aw.
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147. - Thanks for coming to rescue
your old man roommate, son.
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148. - Dad, come on, you know
I didn't mean that stuff,
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149. I was just upset.
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150. - No, you're right,
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151. I take things too far, all the
time
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152. and whenever conversations
get too real for me,
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153. waffles with syrup are
delicious.
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154. - You know, after
everything,
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155. I still don't know what the
hell being a man really means.
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156. - Son, you shoulda asked.
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157. Being a man means burying your
emotions
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158. to look as tough as possible
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159. and lifting very big stuff,
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160. preferably in front of other,
weaker men.
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161. - Mm, I think it has more
to do with being empathetic
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162. and like, responsible,
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163. not as a man, but like
a person in the world.
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164. - Wow, son, you have an
incredibly bright future
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165. in standup comedy.
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166. - Right.
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167. Well if you'll excuse me,
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168. I have got a lifetime of
therapy to look forward to
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169. after seeing Stacey murder
Chimpy right in front of me.
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170. - Oh I'm relieved
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171. you're working through the
trauma.
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172. I was afraid you'd be shocked
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173. when you saw how my on-the-fly
black market taxidermy guy
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174. immortalized your brother.
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175. I love you, son!
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