Blark and Son 1x2

Directed by

Patton Oswalt as Mr. Beal (voice)

When Son starts looking to his teacher as a father figure, Blark becomes jealous and builds an elaborate school in their house where he can be Son's teacher.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Sorry I'm late, Dad.

2. The class stayed after to hang with Mr. Beal.

3. - That's the third time this week, son.

4. More like Mr. Steals, your kid.

5. Hey, this teacher doesn't have a burnt face

6. and striped sweater, does he?

7. - No.

8. He does have a super sweet ponytail though.

9. I'm actually thinking about growing one out, myself.

10. (laughs) No biggie.

11. - No son of mine is growing out a ponytail.

12. Those are for lightweight luchadors,

13. pony butts, and nerdy teachers only.

14. - Mr. Beal is not nerdy.

15. He is the coolest teacher ever.

16. He even brings his guitar in to class

17. and shreds like no man I have ever seen.

18. - I don't like this Mr. Beal guy.

19. He's getting his hands in my wet clay

20. before I've smoothed it into a bust of my own face.

21. But, I am happy to see you've drawn a super sweet portrait

22. of me on your binder that says number one cool dad?

23. - Actually, it says number one school dad,

24. and it's of Mr. Beal.

25. - School dad?

26. - Yup.

27. We all just naturally started calling him that.

28. Kind of rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

29. School dad.

30. - Huh?

31. - School dad, school dad.

32. Well, this little Billy needs to catch some Zs.

33. Can't be late for school dad tomorrow.

34. Night, Blark.

35. - Don't worry son, you won't be late for school.

36. I'll make sure of it.

37. - Son. - Not now, dad.

38. - Hey Son. - Get out.

39. - I love you, Son.

40. - Oh.

41. What the hell is that?

42. - Good morning students.

43. Welcome to the school of Blark.

44. The most prestigious school in the whole house.

45. Classes begin in five minutes

46. so you'd better hurry to the kitchen.

47. Room A, Two.

48. - Oh boy, this is gonna suck.

49. - (drums)

50. - Morning bud.

51. I'm your teacher, Mr. Blarkswell.

52. But feel free to keep it cash, and call me Mr. B.

53. - Dad.

54. Playing pretend school with you

55. is going to make me fall behind in real school.

56. - I'm not sure who this

57. dad person is

58. but I can assure you our curriculum

59. is very not pretend

60. and covers all the important topics.

61. Even the hippy dippy ones like Math.

62. And, in Mr. B's class,

63. every lesson starts with a song.

64. Alright.

65. First period is over.

66. Any questions?

67. Ah, yes.

68. Roberto?

69. What can I do you for?

70. - Cut the crap you wanna be.

71. - Huh?

72. - You are not Mr. Beal, so stop trying to be him.

73. - Well, if that's how you feel,

74. then I have no choice but to send you straight

75. to the principals office.

76. Out of my class right now, mister.

77. Whoa there muchacho, where you think you're going?

78. - The principal's office?

79. - F that noise, Daddio.

80. You should hang with me.

81. Kenneth Blarkington.

82. The raddest, baddest kid in school.

83. You wanna puff this stuff?

84. - Yeah.

85. That's gonna be a hard no

86. to smoking cardboard with my dad.

87. - I'm not your dad.

88. I'm Kenny B.

89. and it's your loss.

90. All the cool kids are already laughing at you.

91. (laughter) - you suck.

92. - Oh, that's a real rum stinger.

93. Ain't that right Cosmo?

94. - Why does Cosmo look like a super murder-y Mario brother?

95. - Buzz off.

96. Mr. B is trying to help him with his reverse alopecia.

97. - Don't you mean you?

98. - Me?

99. I wish I was Mr. B.

100. He's the coolest teacher around.

101. No one has punctured my bad boy facade like he has.

102. Look. Mr. B sending you to the principal

103. may have been a little harsh.

104. But if you go back,

105. and listen to one of his fun, yet educational songs,

106. I'm sure all will be forgiven.

107. - Nah.

108. Honestly, I'm curious to see who this principal is

109. and how he's gonna get from the hallway

110. to his office so fast.

111. Whoa.

112. Dad.

113. - I'm Principal Longfinger.

114. Me and my council of evil educators

115. have been watching your every move.

116. - This literally fits zero archetypes of middle school.

117. - Be worried, child.

118. You don't want to know what happened

119. to the last student who sat there.

120. - Let me guess.

121. They never existed.

122. - Oh, Jason's as real as they get.

123. - Shoulda been good.

124. - I think Principal Longfinger should be

125. more worried about blowing his social security check

126. on fifty pounds of cardboard.

127. Is Mr. Hammerhead helping us out with groceries this week?

128. - It's Dr. Hammerhead.

129. I'll be right back.

130. I order you to reconsider how cool Mr. Blarkswell is.

131. Can I help-

132. you.

133. I recognize you from the drawing

134. although you're not as colorful in real life.

135. - You must be Blark.

136. I'm Son's teacher, Mr Beal.

137. Son mentioned you sometimes wear costumes.

138. - Listen here Pied Piper.

139. I know you're trying to steal my son away with your

140. siren guitar solos

141. but I'm the one that's going to teach that boy

142. everything he needs to know.

143. - Blark, Son missed our field trip today

144. to the aviation museum.

145. Is he out sick?

146. - Yeah.

147. Sick of you.

148. Security.

149. - Listen Blark,

150. you're clearly a devoted

151. albeit, unhinged Blark

152. and I'm sure it's difficult for you to share a kid like Son

153. but, I'm only one teacher

154. and he'll have many more over the long winding journey

155. of his life.

156. Each will add something unique to the tapestry that is Son,

157. and we'll all just be pit stops along that journey.

158. You'll always be

159. for better or for worse,

160. his co-pilot.

161. - That's quite the spiel, Beal.

162. You know, it's almost as impressive as me creating

163. an entire cardboard universe.

164. Listen.

165. Son's gonna finish out the week here

166. because I've put a lot into this.

167. Then he'll consider, maybe

168. coming back to your class.

169. - Yeah.

170. That's not how this works.

171. Son is going to come to school tomorrow

172. or I'm going to call Child Services

173. and you will have your kid ripped from your home

174. by a police officer.

175. So.

176. I'll ask one more time.

177. Did Son miss today's field trip because he was out sick?

178. - Yes.

179. Son has been very ill.

180. - So, who was that at the door?

181. - After an impromptu board meeting,

182. the counsel and I have decided

183. you're graduating early.

184. Heh. Bum bum bum bum bum.

185. Take that, It's a diploma.

186. - That was Mr. Beal at the door, wasn't it?

187. - (clears throat)

188. It was our pleasure having you as as student, Son.

189. The entire faculty is very proud of you

190. from chill Mr. Blarkswell

191. to the hard-headed, yet misunderstood Coach McBlark.

192. We sadly never got to meet him or his accent.

193. - Thanks, Dad.

194. I've had worse days at actual school.

195. I didn't do my standards,

196. but I drew this for you.

197. - Mmhmm.

198. Thanks, Son.

199. Hey.

200. How does Mr. Beal even know where we live?

201. - Uhhh.

202. He's my emergency contact.

203. - Are you f* *ing serious?

204. - Sweet.