1. I must say it was jolly nice of you
to ask me to share your breakfast.Copy !req
2. It is said that civilised man seeks
out good and intelligent company.Copy !req
3. Through learned discourse, he may
rise above savage and closer to God.Copy !req
4. Yes, I've heard that.Copy !req
5. I like to start the day with a
dickhead to remind me I'm best.Copy !req
6. Beshrew me, Edmund!
You're in good fooling.Copy !req
7. Don't say "beshrew me",
Only stupid actors say that.Copy !req
8. Oh, how I would love
to be an actor!Copy !req
9. I had great talent for it.
I was the man of a thousand faces.Copy !req
10. How'd you come to choose
the ugly mug you've got now?Copy !req
11. - Tush, My Lord.
- Don't say "tush" either.Copy !req
12. It's a short step
from "tush" to "hey nonny"Copy !req
13. and then, I'm afraid, I should
have to call the police.Copy !req
14. God pats me on the head and says:
"Good boy, Edmund!"Copy !req
15. My aunt and uncle,
Lord and Lady Whiteadder...Copy !req
16. the two most fanatical
puritans in England...Copy !req
17. have invited themselves
to dinner here tonight.Copy !req
18. Aren't they the most
frightful bores?Copy !req
19. They have one great
redeeming feature; their wallets.Copy !req
20. More capacious than an elephant's
scrotum and as difficult to get into.Copy !req
21. At least until now, for tonight
they wish to discuss my inheritance.Copy !req
22. Hey nonny nonny, My Lord!
Good news!Copy !req
23. Baldrick!Copy !req
24. Why have you got cheese
tied to the end of your nose?Copy !req
25. To catch mice, My Lord.Copy !req
26. I lie on the floor with my mouth
open and hope they scurry in.Copy !req
27. - And do they?
- Not yet, My Lord.Copy !req
28. I'm not surprised. Your breath
comes straight from Satan's bottom.Copy !req
29. The only mouse you're going to catch
is one without a nose.Copy !req
30. That's a pity, the nose is
the best bit on a mouse.Copy !req
31. That would be luxury compared to
what Percy and I must eat tonight.Copy !req
32. We are entertaining
puritan vegetable folk, Balders.Copy !req
33. - And that means no meat.
- Then I shall make Turnip Surprise.Copy !req
34. - And the surprise is?
- There's nothing in it except turnip.Copy !req
35. So, the Turnip Surprise
would be a turnip.Copy !req
36. Oh yeah...Copy !req
37. Get the door, Baldrick.Copy !req
38. If things go as planned,
congratulations are in order.Copy !req
39. Nice try, Percy.
But you're not getting a penny.Copy !req
40. I would advise you to make your
explanation phenomenally good.Copy !req
41. - You said: "Get the door".
- You're fired.Copy !req
42. But, My Lord, I've been in
your family since 1532!Copy !req
43. So has syphilis. Now get out!Copy !req
44. By the way, there was
a messenger outside.Copy !req
45. He says the Queen wants to see you;
Lord Melchett is very sick.Copy !req
46. - He's at Death's door.
- My old reinstated family retainer.Copy !req
47. Let's go and open
it for him, then!Copy !req
48. Edmund! Quick! Melchett's dying.
We must do something!Copy !req
49. Yes, of course.
Some sort of celebration.Copy !req
50. But let's wait until he's
actually snuffed it.Copy !req
51. Nursie's old methods don't
seem to be working.Copy !req
52. It all started last night
at about two o'clock.Copy !req
53. I was tucked into bed having
a scrummy dream about ponies...Copy !req
54. when I was wakened by a terrific
banging from Lord Melchett.Copy !req
55. I never knew he had it in him.Copy !req
56. It's true! He was banging on the
castle gate, falling over...Copy !req
57. And singing a strange song about
a girl who possessed something...Copy !req
58. Oh, yes. It's a lovely old hymn.Copy !req
59. I think I know what's
wrong with Lord Melchett.Copy !req
60. And unfortunately,
it isn't fatal.Copy !req
61. Hurry up and cure the horrible man.
I'm fed up with him moaning.Copy !req
62. And letting off such great
and fruitsome flappy woof-woofs.Copy !req
63. One can't believe
one's tiny nosy.Copy !req
64. The truth is, Lord Melchett
just can't take his ale.Copy !req
65. I may be a little
delicate this morning,Copy !req
66. but what I drank last night...Copy !req
67. - ... would have floored a rhinoceros!
- If it was allergic to lemonade.Copy !req
68. It's Blackadder here who
can't take his ale.Copy !req
69. - Oh yeah?
- Yeah!Copy !req
70. This is so exciting!
The boys are getting tough.Copy !req
71. We all remember the embarrassment
of the visit of the King of Austria...Copy !req
72. when Blackadder was found
naked at Hampton Court singing:Copy !req
73. "I'm Merlin the Happy Pig!"Copy !req
74. So what did you have last night?
A whole pint of potato juice?Copy !req
75. I had two flagons of claret and a
double helping of curried turtle!Copy !req
76. It's no holds barred with us at
the annual communion-wine tasting.Copy !req
77. For me and the boys,
every night is drinking night!Copy !req
78. - Says who?
- Says me!Copy !req
79. You should come and have a look
at the underside of my table.Copy !req
80. - Tonight!
- Tonight?Copy !req
81. Yeah! Come on, Melchy.
What are you scared of?Copy !req
82. All right, tonight.
I'll be there.Copy !req
83. Hurray! And last one
under the table gets...Copy !req
84. Ten thousand florins
from the loser.Copy !req
85. Right. Well, I'll get
the beer in then.Copy !req
86. Nursie.Copy !req
87. - Do you know what I'm going to do?
- What?Copy !req
88. I'm going to find out
what happens at these boys' nights.Copy !req
89. - Good idea, poppet.
- And...Copy !req
90. I'll wear a cloak with a cowl,
so no-one will recognise me.Copy !req
91. You're so clever today, you better
be careful your foot doesn't fall off.Copy !req
92. Does that happen when you
have lots of brilliant ideas?Copy !req
93. It certainly does.Copy !req
94. My brother, he had
this brilliant ideaCopy !req
95. of cutting his toenails
with a scythe...Copy !req
96. and his foot fell off.Copy !req
97. The person we're looking for is
an aggressive drunken lout...Copy !req
98. with intelligence
of a four year oldCopy !req
99. and sexual sophistication
of a donkey.Copy !req
100. - Cardinal Wolsey...
- Baldrick!Copy !req
101. My Lord?Copy !req
102. Why?Copy !req
103. I got fed up with
the all-mouse diet.Copy !req
104. Thought I'd try cat for variety.Copy !req
105. Good, well done.
Returning to the real world:Copy !req
106. do you have a knife?Copy !req
107. Good. I wish to quickly
send off some party invitations.Copy !req
108. I wish to write them in blood.
Your blood, to be precise.Copy !req
109. How much blood will
you be requiring?Copy !req
110. Oh, nothing much.
Just a small puddle.Copy !req
111. Will you want me to cut anything off?
An arm or a leg for instance?Copy !req
112. Good lord, no.
A little prick should do.Copy !req
113. Very well, My Lord.
I am your bondsman and must obey.Copy !req
114. For God's sake!
A little prick on your finger.Copy !req
115. - I haven't got one there!
- Forget it.Copy !req
116. Thank you, My Lord.Copy !req
117. Perce, how's this list going?Copy !req
118. I thought we could invite
my girlfriend, Gwendoline...Copy !req
119. - No chicks. Who else?
- That's as far as I'd got, actually.Copy !req
120. I'll dictate.
Simon Partridge.Copy !req
121. Oh, not Farter's Parters,
also known as Mr Ostrich.Copy !req
122. - Even he...
- But he's a fearful oik!Copy !req
123. Takes one to know one, Perce.
Sir Geoffrey Piddle.Copy !req
124. Here's-To-The-Health-Of
Cardinal-Chunder Piddle?Copy !req
125. Freddie Frobisher,
the Flatulent Hermit of Lindisfarne.Copy !req
126. Oh, paugh paugh!Copy !req
127. - That should do the trick.
- And Lord and Lady Whiteadder.Copy !req
128. Oh, yes.Copy !req
129. Oh, no.Copy !req
130. It does look a teeny bit
like trying to get out of it.Copy !req
131. No, Ma'am.
I just want to make it another night.Copy !req
132. - Certainly not!
- I beg your pardon?Copy !req
133. It's just one excuse after another.Copy !req
134. Next thing, he'll be trying
to get out of having his bath.Copy !req
135. He isn't talking
about baths, Nursie.Copy !req
136. Well, he should be. How else
is he going to keep clean?Copy !req
137. Soon he'll be saying he doesn't
want his nappy changed!Copy !req
138. Lord Blackadder
doesn't wear a nappy.Copy !req
139. In that case, it's even more
important that he has a bath!Copy !req
140. I know why you want to get out of it.
I remember the last party.Copy !req
141. I found you face-down in a puddle,
wearing a pointy hat and singing.Copy !req
142. Yes, all right! Tonight it is.Copy !req
143. Oh, Edmund. I do love
it when you get cross.Copy !req
144. Sometimes I think of executing you
to see the expression on your face.Copy !req
145. Let's make sure you've got this.
We're having two parties here tonight.Copy !req
146. And they must be kept
completely separate.Copy !req
147. Firstly, a total piss-up
involving beer throwing,Copy !req
148. broken furniture
and wall-to-wall vomiting.Copy !req
149. To be held here in
Baldrick's bedroom.Copy !req
150. Secondly, Percy will join me in here
for the gourmet turnip eating.Copy !req
151. - Is the Turnip Surprise ready?
- Yes, it is My Lord.Copy !req
152. - Then what is so funny?
- Well, My Lord,Copy !req
153. while Baldrick and I
were preparing the Turnip Surprise...Copy !req
154. We had a surprise!Copy !req
155. We came across a turnip
that was exactly the same shape...Copy !req
156. As a thingy!Copy !req
157. A thingy?Copy !req
158. A great big thingy!
It was terrific.Copy !req
159. Size is no guarantee
of quality, Baldrick.Copy !req
160. Horses are well endowed, but
it doesn't make them sensitive lovers.Copy !req
161. I trust you have removed
this hilarious item?Copy !req
162. Nothing stops an inheritance
like a thingy-shaped turnip.Copy !req
163. Absolutely, Edmund.
But it was jolly funny!Copy !req
164. I found it particularly
ironic, My Lord,Copy !req
165. 'cause I've got a thingy
shaped like a turnip.Copy !req
166. I'm quite fun at parties!Copy !req
167. I hide in the vegetable
rack and scare children.Copy !req
168. Perhaps you've forgotten I'm having
a drinking competition tonight...Copy !req
169. with Lord Melchett, and ten
thousand florins are at stake!Copy !req
170. - Oh dear!
- What do you mean?Copy !req
171. you haven't got
ten thousand florins.Copy !req
172. And thirdly: one drop of the ale
and you fall flat on your face.Copy !req
173. That's nonsense.
But just in case it's true...Copy !req
174. - It is true.
- Yes, all right!Copy !req
175. The plan is: when I call for my
Incredibly Strong Ale...Copy !req
176. you must pass me water
in an ale bottle. Got that?Copy !req
177. When you call for ale,
I pass water.Copy !req
178. Percy, your job is to stay here
and suck up to my aunt.Copy !req
179. I think you can trust me
to know how to handle a woman.Copy !req
180. Right, here goes.Copy !req
181. Uncle! Aunt! Greetings!
How nice it is to see you.Copy !req
182. Wicked child! Don't lie.Copy !req
183. Everyone hates us,
and you know it.Copy !req
184. May I introduce my
friend Lord Percy.Copy !req
185. Well, well, well, Eddy!Copy !req
186. You didn't tell me you had
such a good-looking aunt!Copy !req
187. Good morrow to thee,
gorgeousness!Copy !req
188. I know what I like,
and I like what I see.Copy !req
189. Be gone, Satan!Copy !req
190. I hope you had a
pleasant inheritance...Copy !req
191. Did I say "inheritance"?
I meant journey.Copy !req
192. If you'd just like to help
yourself to a legacy... a chair.Copy !req
193. Chair? You have
chairs in your house?Copy !req
194. Wicked child! Chairs are
an invention of Satan!Copy !req
195. In our home,
Nathaniel sits on a spike.Copy !req
196. - And yourself?
- I sit on Nathaniel.Copy !req
197. Two spikes would be
an extravagance.Copy !req
198. I will suffer comfort this once.Copy !req
199. We shall just have to stick forks
in our legs between courses.Copy !req
200. I trust you remember
we eat no meat?Copy !req
201. Here we feast only
on God's lovely turnip, mashed.Copy !req
202. Mashed?Copy !req
203. Wicked child! Mashing is
also the work of Beelzebub.Copy !req
204. For Satan saw God's blessed
turnip, and he envied it...Copy !req
205. and mashed it to
spoil its sacred shape.Copy !req
206. I shall have my turnip
as God intended.Copy !req
207. - Baldrick!
- My Lord?Copy !req
208. Would you fetch my dear
aunt a raw turnip?Copy !req
209. - We've only got the one that...
- Just do it. Thank you.Copy !req
210. Uncle, will you have your turnip
mashed, or as God intended?Copy !req
211. He will not answer you,
he has taken a vow of silence.Copy !req
212. I believe that silence is golden.Copy !req
213. Inheritance.Copy !req
214. Edmund! I trust
you have invited no other guests?Copy !req
215. Where there are other guests
there are people to fornicate with!Copy !req
216. Well, quite.Copy !req
217. I'll just go and tell them to
fornicate off. Lord Percy.Copy !req
218. Well, Lord Whiteadder,
a vow of silence...Copy !req
219. That's quite an
interesting thing.Copy !req
220. Tell me about it.Copy !req
221. It's not my birthday, Archdeacon!Copy !req
222. Well, get stuck in, boys.Copy !req
223. Stuck in! Way-hey! Get it?Copy !req
224. Well, it sounds a bit rude,
doesn't it? Stuck in!Copy !req
225. Sorry, back in a tick.Copy !req
226. A tick! Now that
sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?Copy !req
227. Sounds a bit like bum!Copy !req
228. Melchett! Late I see, to
avoid the early drinking.Copy !req
229. You really are a beginner.
You forgot your comedy breasts!Copy !req
230. Au contraire, Blackadder.Copy !req
231. Let's wait until we get down
to the serious drinking.Copy !req
232. No, it's this way.
Here we are.Copy !req
233. - Good evening.
- Lads, this is Lord Melchett.Copy !req
234. - Give him a large one, will you?
- Large one! Way-hey! Get it?Copy !req
235. Yes, you do! Large one!
Sounds a bit rude.Copy !req
236. You may find the conversation
a bit above your head at first.Copy !req
237. Well, down the hatch!Copy !req
238. - I heard there was a party on.
- No, there are two.Copy !req
239. But I'm a friend
of Lord Percy.Copy !req
240. You must be Gwendoline!
Come in.Copy !req
241. - Thank you very much.
- It's in here.Copy !req
242. I'm sorry about that.Copy !req
243. Sorry, he's sick.Copy !req
244. Leprosy of the brain.Copy !req
245. Or he is trying to tell you you're
wearing a pair of Devil's dumplings.Copy !req
246. Oh my God.
My earmuffs have fallen down!Copy !req
247. It's getting... Would you like a pair?Copy !req
248. Cold is God's way of telling us
to burn more Catholics!Copy !req
249. - Which reminds me, Aunty...
- Don't call me "Aunty"!Copy !req
250. Aunt is a relative,
and relatives are evidence of sex...Copy !req
251. and sex is hardly a fitting subject
for the dinner table.Copy !req
252. - Or, indeed, any table.
- Except a table in a brothel.Copy !req
253. Oh dear. It seems you have
fallen off your chair.Copy !req
254. Oh my God!Copy !req
255. Your turnip, my Lady.Copy !req
256. Very good! Very good!Copy !req
257. It takes me right back
to our wedding night.Copy !req
258. We had raw turnips that night.Copy !req
259. - What was that?
- What was what?Copy !req
260. - That noise!
- Noise?Copy !req
261. - Did you hear a noise, Percy?
- No.Copy !req
262. Apart from that colossal drunken roar.Copy !req
263. Oh, that noise! It's the
Catholics next door, I'm afraid.Copy !req
264. I'll just go and burn them.
Back in a minute.Copy !req
265. - Yes?
- I'm suffocating!Copy !req
266. Now take a deep breath.
And another. Better?Copy !req
267. - Yes.
- Good.Copy !req
268. Mind you, I'll say one
thing for Catholics.Copy !req
269. They do have natural rhythm!Copy !req
270. - I notice you're not drinking.
- I'm holding my own here.Copy !req
271. Way-hey! Holding my own!
Now that sounds incredibly rude.Copy !req
272. Yes, well.
I never went to university, of course.Copy !req
273. It doesn't explain
why you're not drinking with us.Copy !req
274. That's what I wanted to talk about.Copy !req
275. What do you say to the idea
of ten minutes silence...Copy !req
276. to get some really
serious drinking in?Copy !req
277. Yes, I said: "Please give me silence".
"Drench me with dribble".Copy !req
278. - Here's a nice glass of cider.
- Only cider?Copy !req
279. I'm going to go and put
some brandy in it!Copy !req
280. - How are we all going, then?
- Not well!Copy !req
281. Let us discuss your inheritance.Copy !req
282. - A little drink first?
- Wicked child!Copy !req
283. Drink is urine for the
last leper in Hell!Copy !req
284. No, this is only water.
This is a house of simple purity.Copy !req
285. Great booze-up, Edmund!Copy !req
286. Do you know that man?Copy !req
287. No.Copy !req
288. - He called you Edmund?
- Oh, know him. Yes, I do.Copy !req
289. Then can you explain
what he meant by great booze-up?Copy !req
290. Yes, I can.Copy !req
291. My friend is a missionary...Copy !req
292. and on his last
visit abroad...Copy !req
293. brought back with him
the chief of a famous tribe.Copy !req
294. His name is Great Bu.Copy !req
295. He's been suffering
from sleeping sickness.Copy !req
296. And he has obviously
just woken...Copy !req
297. because as you heard:
"Great Bu's up".Copy !req
298. Well done, Edmund.Copy !req
299. I think I'd better go and visit him.
Perce, over to you.Copy !req
300. Yes. How about
some sort of game?Copy !req
301. How about a couple of frames
of Shove-Piggy-Shove?Copy !req
302. You challenged me to a
drinking competition...Copy !req
303. and I haven't seen
you touch a drop!Copy !req
304. You twist and turn like a...
twisty-turny thing.Copy !req
305. I say you're a weedy pigeon, and you
can call me Susan if it isn't so.Copy !req
306. All right! Baldrick, fetch my
Incredibly Strong Ale!Copy !req
307. Good God!
Not Dr McGloo's Amber Enema?Copy !req
308. - A drink for schoolgirls.
- Not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy?Copy !req
309. No! It is Blackadder's
Bowel Basher.Copy !req
310. A brew guaranteed to knock
the backsides off a concrete elephant!Copy !req
311. - Naw! It is water.
- What!Copy !req
312. No, but seriously, Baldrick.Copy !req
313. You did call for your
Incredibly Strong Ale, My Lord?Copy !req
314. That's a relief.
I thought I'd made a mistake.Copy !req
315. My God, he is right. It is water!Copy !req
316. Come on, lads.
Let's give him a real drink.Copy !req
317. - Well, fine.
- Bums up!Copy !req
318. Way-hey! Bums!
Sounds a bit like bums, doesn't it?Copy !req
319. Drink, Blackadder. Drink!Copy !req
320. 42 seconds laterCopy !req
321. Percy, I've lost the bet.Copy !req
322. Edmund! Explain yourself.Copy !req
323. I can't. Not just like that.Copy !req
324. I'm a complicated person, you see.Copy !req
325. Sometimes I'm nice
and sometimes I'm nasty.Copy !req
326. And sometimes
I just like to sing little songs like:Copy !req
327. "See the little goblin..."Copy !req
328. I mean, explain why
you are wearing a cardinal's hat,Copy !req
329. why you are grinning inanely...Copy !req
330. and why you have a feather
sticking out of your britches.Copy !req
331. I'm wearing a cardinal's hat
because I'm Cardinal Chunder.Copy !req
332. I have an ostrich
feather up my bottom...Copy !req
333. because Mr Ostrich put it there
to keep in the little pixies.Copy !req
334. And I'm grinning inanely...Copy !req
335. because I think I've succeeded
in conning you and your husband...Copy !req
336. out of a whopping
great inheritance!Copy !req
337. Is that right? May I remind
you, cursed creature...Copy !req
338. that your inheritance depends
upon your not drinking or gambling.Copy !req
339. Damn! Percy, the Devil
farts in my face once more.Copy !req
340. Not mentioning farts
was also a condition.Copy !req
341. Shove off, you old trout!Copy !req
342. How dare you speak to
my husband like that!Copy !req
343. Nathaniel, we're leaving!Copy !req
344. - And you...
- Yes?Copy !req
345. Has anyone told you you're
a giggling imbecile?Copy !req
346. - Oh, yes.
- Good!Copy !req
347. Good riddance, you old witch!Copy !req
348. She's forgotten her broomstick!Copy !req
349. Look... I just wanted to say thanks
for a splendid evening.Copy !req
350. Yes, first rate, all round.
Particularly your jester.Copy !req
351. By the way, I loved the turnip.Copy !req
352. Very funny.Copy !req
353. Exactly the same
shape as a thingy!Copy !req
354. Good God!Copy !req
355. - Look who it is!
- Who is it?Copy !req
356. Well, it's a boys' party.Copy !req
357. She's a girl, so she
must be the stripper.Copy !req
358. Oh, no. Don't get too
depressed, Edmund.Copy !req
359. I mean, money isn't everything.Copy !req
360. Think of clouds and daisies...Copy !req
361. and the lovely smiles
on little babies' faces.Copy !req
362. Be quiet, Percy.Copy !req
363. This way!Copy !req
364. Whoa! Another stripper!Copy !req
365. And a male stripper!Copy !req
366. Oh, yes. This is much more like it!Copy !req
367. And she's come dressed as the Queen!Copy !req
368. Sexy!Copy !req
369. Do you know who I am?Copy !req
370. Yes. I know who you are.Copy !req
371. - Who?
- You're Merlin the Happy Pig!Copy !req
372. Wrong, I'm afraid.
I am the Queen of England!Copy !req
373. I may have the body
of a weak and feeble woman...Copy !req
374. but I have the heart and stomach
of a concrete elephant.Copy !req
375. - Prove it!
- I certainly will.Copy !req
376. First I'm going to have
a little drinky...Copy !req
377. and then I'm going to execute
the whole bally lot of you.Copy !req
378. Dawn the next dayCopy !req
379. See the little goblin
See his little feetCopy !req
380. And his little nosy-wose
Isn't the goblin sweet?Copy !req
381. - Yes!
- Wait a minute!Copy !req
382. I'm sure there was something
important I had to do this morning.Copy !req
383. I remember something about
ten thousand florins.Copy !req
384. I think it was something
about an inheritance.Copy !req
385. Do you lot want to hear
about the goblin or not?Copy !req
386. Perhaps I might be allowed to continue
and perhaps finish, with any luck.Copy !req
387. Luck! Way-hey.Copy !req
388. - Get it?
- No!Copy !req
389. Oh, come on! Luck.
Sounds almost exactly like...Copy !req