1. Go away!Copy !req
2. My Lord, there is someone
at the door to see you.Copy !req
3. - What time is it?
- Four o'clock.Copy !req
4. You mustn't let me sleep all day.
This woman charges by the hour.Copy !req
5. No, My Lord, it's four
o'clock in the morning.Copy !req
6. Someone wants to see me
at four in the morning?Copy !req
7. - What is he, a giant lark?
- No, he's a priest.Copy !req
8. Tell him I'm Jewish.Copy !req
9. Aren't you going to
introduce me, then?Copy !req
10. Aren't you going to introduce
me to your friend?Copy !req
11. Baldrick, I'm delighted
to introduce you to...Copy !req
12. - Sorry, I've forgotten your name.
- Mollie.Copy !req
13. - This is Mollie. A dear friend.
- I'm not dear.Copy !req
14. I'm very reasonable
actually, Baldrick.Copy !req
15. Most would charge an extra sixpence
for all the things he wants to do.Copy !req
16. Baldrick, this is Mollie.
An inexpensive prostitute.Copy !req
17. Mollie, this is Baldrick.
A pointless peasant.Copy !req
18. - What about the priest?
- Tell him to get out of here.Copy !req
19. If he comes begging again...Copy !req
20. I shall report him to the
Bishop of Bath and Wells...Copy !req
21. who drowns babies and eats them
in the vestry afterwards.Copy !req
22. Very good, My Lord.Copy !req
23. - Bye, Baldrick.
- Bye-bye, Mollie.Copy !req
24. Get out!Copy !req
25. When you should be
whispering sweet nothings like:Copy !req
26. "Something twice the size of
the Royal Barge has hove into view"...Copy !req
27. You don't say a word.Copy !req
28. But enter the Creature Of The Black
Latrine and you won't stop jabbering.Copy !req
29. He was treating me
like a human being.Copy !req
30. Look, if I wanted a lecture
on the rights of Man,Copy !req
31. I'd have gone to bed
with Martin Luther.Copy !req
32. Yes, Baldrick. What is it now?Copy !req
33. The priest still
wants to see you.Copy !req
34. Did you mention the baby-eating
Bishop of Bath and Wells?Copy !req
35. He said: "I am the baby-eating
Bishop of Bath and Wells!"Copy !req
36. Good lord!Copy !req
37. - You haven't got any children?
- No. I'm not married.Copy !req
38. In that case, I'll skip breakfast
and get straight down to business.Copy !req
39. Do you know what day it is today?Copy !req
40. It is exactly one year ago...Copy !req
41. that the Bank of the
Black Monks of St. Herod,Copy !req
42. "Banking with a
smile and a stab",Copy !req
43. of which I am the
assistant manager,Copy !req
44. lent you one thousand pounds.Copy !req
45. Our motto is:
Repayment or Revenge.Copy !req
46. Of course, and naturally
I'd have paid you back, but...Copy !req
47. I've gone and lost my wallet.Copy !req
48. Disastrous! It had all
my little notes saying:Copy !req
49. "Forget ye not" and,
of course, all my money!Copy !req
50. That's no concern of mine.
The debt is now due.Copy !req
51. Not to repay a loan is a sin,
and we Black Monks, we hate sin!Copy !req
52. Your Grace, this is my mother.
Mother this is...Copy !req
53. Good morning, my dear.Copy !req
54. I hope you haven't
forgotten our appointment.Copy !req
55. Of course not, Pumpy!Copy !req
56. You know, I have a mind
to play "Nuns and Novices".Copy !req
57. - So don't forget your wimple.
- OK!Copy !req
58. And, as for you,
you come with me.Copy !req
59. - Where?
- To visit the last poor fool who...Copy !req
60. lost his wallet!Copy !req
61. "William Greeves: born 1513
in Chelshood with the love of Christ."Copy !req
62. "Died 1563 in...Copy !req
63. agony with a spike
up his bottom."Copy !req
64. 'Tis ever with the Black Monks!Copy !req
65. Scream and gurgle as they skewered
his catflap for want of a farthing!Copy !req
66. I think you get my message.Copy !req
67. Tell me, Bishop, let me just test
the waters here, so to speak.Copy !req
68. Supposing I was to say to you:Copy !req
69. I'm a friend of the Queen's
and I think she would like to hear...Copy !req
70. about you, Mollie
and the wimple.Copy !req
71. Why don't we just
call it quits, Fatso?Copy !req
72. I would say, firstly,
the Queen would not believe you.Copy !req
73. And secondly, you'll regret
calling me Fatso later today!Copy !req
74. I will have my money by
Evensong tonight or...Copy !req
75. Your bottom will wish
it had never been born!Copy !req
76. Poor Tom's cold!
Pity poor Tom for his nose is frozen.Copy !req
77. And he does shiver,
and he's mad!Copy !req
78. Oh, shut up!Copy !req
79. So, lads. I'm up a certain creek
without a certain instrument.Copy !req
80. Either I raise a thousand pounds
by this evening, or I get murdered.Copy !req
81. It's obvious.
You'll have to get murdered.Copy !req
82. You'll never raise
that sort of money.Copy !req
83. Come now, Baldrick.Copy !req
84. A thousand? Pay the fellow,
Edmund, and damn his impudence.Copy !req
85. I haven't got a thousand, dunghead!
I've got 85 quid.Copy !req
86. You're always boasting to the
Queen about how wealthy you are.Copy !req
87. A cunning web of
deceit, subtly spunCopy !req
88. about the court to
improve my standing.Copy !req
89. - Do you mean you've been... fibbing?
- Yep.Copy !req
90. My whole life has been
a tissue of whoppers.Copy !req
91. I consider myself one of
England's finest liars.Copy !req
92. A giant hummingbird
is about to eat your hat and cloak!Copy !req
93. You see? I'm terrific at it.Copy !req
94. It seems to have gone now.Copy !req
95. Couldn't you just dip
into the family fortune?Copy !req
96. My father blew it all on wine,
women and amateur dramatics.Copy !req
97. At the end he was eking a living
doing impressions of Anne of Cleeves.Copy !req
98. Edmund, I am sorry.
I had no idea.Copy !req
99. I have some small savings
harvested from my weekly allowance...Copy !req
100. set aside against
my frail old age.Copy !req
101. But lucky haps,
it is just over a thousand...Copy !req
102. and has been hidden beyond the wit
of any thief, in an old sock...Copy !req
103. under the squeaky floorboard
behind the kitchen dresser!Copy !req
104. - You've seen it!
- Seen it, pinched it, spent it.Copy !req
105. The same goes for the two farthings
Baldrick thinks he has hidden.Copy !req
106. Then you are doomed. Alas.Copy !req
107. For God's sake,
let us sit upon the carpet...Copy !req
108. and tell sad stories.Copy !req
109. When Lord Blackadder is in
trouble, he does not sit about.Copy !req
110. You won't be able to sit
with a spike up your bottom.Copy !req
111. But still, I've got 85
quid and that's a start.Copy !req
112. I'll think of something
as long as I'm not disturbed.Copy !req
113. The Queen dost demand your
urgent presence on pain of death.Copy !req
114. The path of my life...Copy !req
115. is strewn with cowpats from
the Devil's own satanic herd!Copy !req
116. - Madam, you sent for me.
- Did I?Copy !req
117. I can't remember.Copy !req
118. What a naughty scatterbrain I am! Zap!Copy !req
119. Well, perhaps, Ma'am,
if I might be allowed to withdraw.Copy !req
120. Certainly.Copy !req
121. - That was a terrific joke, wasn't it?
- Magnificent!Copy !req
122. What, my Lady?Copy !req
123. I do know why I wanted to see you,
I pretended I didn't. I fooled you.Copy !req
124. And it worked brilliantly,
didn't it?Copy !req
125. It was terrific, Madam.Copy !req
126. I thank God I wore my corset,
because I think my sides have split.Copy !req
127. So, why did you want to see me?Copy !req
128. To crack the lovely joke.Copy !req
129. Or perhaps you don't think
the Queen's jokes are funny enough?Copy !req
130. Au contraire. I'm ecstatic
about the whole incident.Copy !req
131. I didn't laugh out loud
because I was afraid if I did...Copy !req
132. my head would've fallen off.Copy !req
133. If you don't start soon,
your head will fall off!Copy !req
134. Now pay Melchy his 85
pounds and run along.Copy !req
135. - 85 pounds?
- We had a bet.Copy !req
136. I said you wouldn't fall for my trick,
Melchy said you would...Copy !req
137. because I'm so super
and you're so stupid.Copy !req
138. You owe him 85 pounds.Copy !req
139. Fine, fine. I mean,
it's only money, isn't it?Copy !req
140. I cannot believe it! She drags me
all the way from Billingsgate...Copy !req
141. to play about the
weakest practical joke...Copy !req
142. since Cardinal Wolsey got
his knob out at Hampton Court...Copy !req
143. and stood at the end of the
passage pretending to be a door.Copy !req
144. Shut up, Baldrick. You'd laugh
at a Shakespeare comedy.Copy !req
145. Edmund!
I've awaited your return.Copy !req
146. And thank God you did,
for I was thinking:Copy !req
147. I die in 12 hours. What I really need
now is a hug from a complete prat!Copy !req
148. But fear not, I have a plan to save
the life of my dear friend.Copy !req
149. Look, I'm not interested in
your friends! What about me?Copy !req
150. Not bad, Edmund.
That's a good one.Copy !req
151. What's your big plan, blockhead?Copy !req
152. I intend to discover, this
afternoon, the secret of alchemy.Copy !req
153. The hidden art of turning
base things into gold.Copy !req
154. The fact that this secret has eluded
the most intelligent people...Copy !req
155. doesn't dampen your spirits?Copy !req
156. Oh no. I like a challenge.Copy !req
157. Well, Balders, I lost 85 quid.Copy !req
158. The grave opens up before me
like a... big hole in the ground.Copy !req
159. Well, I did have
one idea, My Lord.Copy !req
160. But it's stupid.Copy !req
161. What is it?Copy !req
162. I have heard there's good money
to be made down the docks.Copy !req
163. Doing favours for sailors.Copy !req
164. Favours? What do you mean?Copy !req
165. Delivering messages,
sewing on buttons?Copy !req
166. - Not quite.
- Baldrick!Copy !req
167. Are you suggesting I
become a rent boy?Copy !req
168. Well, a good-looking bloke like you.
Posh accent, nice legs...Copy !req
169. Just stick a pink carnation in
your hat and make the old sign.Copy !req
170. I'd rather die.Copy !req
171. That's all right then. I'll put
the kettle on while we wait.Copy !req
172. On second thoughts...Copy !req
173. With a slight alteration, your sick
and sordid plan might just work.Copy !req
174. Give me a kiss and
I'll give you a penny.Copy !req
175. - A penny?
- All right then, tuppence!Copy !req
176. - Oh, all right, go on.
- Nothing fancy, just a peck.Copy !req
177. I miss my mum, you see.
When I was little, my mum used to...Copy !req
178. Look, get a move on. He's a
prostitute, not an agony aunt!Copy !req
179. Just a little peck on
the cheek, and say:Copy !req
180. "There, there, Arthur. Mummy'll kiss
it better and you shall have a story."Copy !req
181. Well, I don't know.
Do you do requests, Baldrick?Copy !req
182. - Kinky stuff? Yeah, I'm game.
- Go on, please.Copy !req
183. I miss my mother so much.
I mean, she was like a mother to me!Copy !req
184. I've forgotten what
I'm supposed to say.Copy !req
185. There, there, Arthur. Mummy'll kiss
it better and you shall have a story.Copy !req
186. - What kind of story?
- One about a squirrel, I suppose.Copy !req
187. And then Squirry the Squirrel went...Copy !req
188. And they all went home for tea.Copy !req
189. Thanks very much,
me ol' shivering mateys!Copy !req
190. How much do you charge
for a good hard shag?Copy !req
191. - A thousand pounds.
- You've got to be joking!Copy !req
192. Well, I'm sure we could negotiate.Copy !req
193. Right, so we've got sixpence.Copy !req
194. All we need to do, My Lord...Copy !req
195. is to go down the cockfights and put
it on a bird that's a dead cert...Copy !req
196. but has got odds of
forty thousand to one.Copy !req
197. - Know you of such a bird?
- No, but we could make one.Copy !req
198. No, we couldn't, Baldrick.Copy !req
199. I suppose you have to
be told some time.Copy !req
200. What happens is:
a mummy bird and a daddy bird...Copy !req
201. who love each other,
get certain urges...Copy !req
202. What I mean is:
we could get a mad wild killer bull...Copy !req
203. and disguise it as a bird.Copy !req
204. It'll be such a strange-looking bird
that no-one will back it.Copy !req
205. We'll know it's a killer bull
so we'll put money on it.Copy !req
206. - Only we will know?
- If we stick enough feathers on it...Copy !req
207. and hang an egg
between its legs.Copy !req
208. A chat with you
and somehow death loses its sting.Copy !req
209. The Queen dost demand
your presence on pain of death.Copy !req
210. You're not making friends here,
you do know that?Copy !req
211. Madam, you sent for me again.Copy !req
212. Yes, Edmund.Copy !req
213. I wanted to apologise
for the silly trick I played on you.Copy !req
214. It was naughty and bad of me.Copy !req
215. It was, my little rosebud.Copy !req
216. If you weren't quite so big,
it'd be time for Mr and Mrs Spank.Copy !req
217. Thank you, Nursie.
And thank you, Edmund.Copy !req
218. - That's all.
- Yes, thanks for coming.Copy !req
219. That was very funny
too, wasn't it?Copy !req
220. My Lady?Copy !req
221. Dragging you all the way here again
just to say sorry for the first time.Copy !req
222. It was Melchett's idea.
I think it's wonderful, don't you?Copy !req
223. Melchett, I prostrate myself at the
feet of the world's greatest comedian.Copy !req
224. Oh, you are super, Edmund.Copy !req
225. I promised Lord Melchett
that I would play with him.Copy !req
226. But we have no coin.
Do you have a halfpenny?Copy !req
227. Unfortunately, only a sixpence.
What a shame!Copy !req
228. - A sixpence will do just as well.
- Oh, good!Copy !req
229. It stinks like a pair of armoured
trousers after the Hundred Years War!Copy !req
230. Baldrick, have you been
eating dung again?Copy !req
231. My Lord! Success!Copy !req
232. After literally an hour's
ceaseless searching...Copy !req
233. I have succeeded in
creating gold. Pure gold!Copy !req
234. - Are you sure?
- Yes, My Lord.Copy !req
235. Behold!Copy !req
236. Percy, it's green.Copy !req
237. That's right, My Lord.Copy !req
238. I don't want to be pedantic.
But the colour of gold is gold.Copy !req
239. That's why it's called gold.
What you've discovered...Copy !req
240. if it has a name, is some green.Copy !req
241. Oh, Edmund, can it be true?Copy !req
242. That I hold here,
in my mortal hand...Copy !req
243. a nugget of purest green?Copy !req
244. Indeed you do. Except, it's not only
a nugget as it is more of a splat.Copy !req
245. Well, yes. A splat today,
but tomorrow, who knows?Copy !req
246. Or dares to dream!Copy !req
247. We three alone in all the world
can create the finest green at will.Copy !req
248. Thus so! I'm not sure
of counting in Baldrick, actually.Copy !req
249. You know what your
great discovery means, don't you?Copy !req
250. That you, Percy... Lord Percy,
are an utter berk.Copy !req
251. Baldrick! Pack my bags.
I'm going to sell the house.Copy !req
252. There's nothing else for it.Copy !req
253. I shall miss the
old place, I know.Copy !req
254. I've had some happy times here,
when you and Percy have been out.Copy !req
255. But needs must when the Devil
vomits into your kettle.Copy !req
256. Baldrick, go forth and say that
Blackadder wishes to sell his house.Copy !req
257. Percy, just go forth.Copy !req
258. - And this is the den.
- Oh, dear.Copy !req
259. But I have to tell you,
Mr Pants...Copy !req
260. that I've had an extremely encouraging
nibble from another client.Copy !req
261. You know me well enough to know
that I don't ignore a nibble for long.Copy !req
262. I noticed some dry rot
in the bedrooms, Timothy.Copy !req
263. Well, Mrs Pants,
dry rot is as dry rot does.Copy !req
264. Stop me if I'm
getting too technical.Copy !req
265. The floors are
a little uneven.Copy !req
266. Indeed yes, Madam,
and at no extra cost!Copy !req
267. - Strange smell.
- That's the servant, he'll be gone.Copy !req
268. You've really worked out
your banter, haven't you?Copy !req
269. Not really. This is a different thing.
It's spontaneous and it's called wit.Copy !req
270. - And the privies?
- When the master craftsman...Copy !req
271. was looking at the sewage,
he said to himself:Copy !req
272. "Romeo, let's make them
functional, and comfortable."Copy !req
273. - That seems nice, dear.
- I think we understand each other.Copy !req
274. - It's sold then. Drink?
- What about the privies?Copy !req
275. Well, what we're talking
about in privy terms...Copy !req
276. is the very latest in
front-wall, fresh-air orifices...Copy !req
277. combined with a wide-capacity
gutter installation below.Copy !req
278. You mean you crap out of the window.Copy !req
279. Yes!Copy !req
280. Well! In that case,
we'll definitely take it!Copy !req
281. I can't stand those
dirty indoor things.Copy !req
282. There! That's the lot.Copy !req
283. He only wanted to pay a thousand,
but I beat him up to eleven hundred.Copy !req
284. - You wily old trickster, you!
- I only named the price.Copy !req
285. It was Baldrick who
actually beat him up.Copy !req
286. Percy, what is that on
the front of your tunic?Copy !req
287. 'Tis a brooch, My Lord. A brooch
cunningly fashioned from pure green.Copy !req
288. It looks like you've sneezed.Copy !req
289. It is with trinkets such as
this brooch, and here, a ring...Copy !req
290. that I intend to revive your
fortunes and buy back your house.Copy !req
291. You think there's a big market
for jewellry that looks like snot?Copy !req
292. The eyes are open, the mouth moves,
but Mr Brain has long since departed.Copy !req
293. - My Lord.
- Messenger, thank God.Copy !req
294. We couldn't have waited
another second without you.Copy !req
295. - Majesty!
- Thank God. Terrible news!Copy !req
296. The French intend to
invade, Blackadder.Copy !req
297. So I need some money.Copy !req
298. Yes, every nobleman
must pay 500 pounds.Copy !req
299. But we've decided to
make you a special case.Copy !req
300. Melchy hasn't got a bean, so we
thought, as you're so wealthy...Copy !req
301. you could pay for both!Copy !req
302. I have a cash-flow crisis
and haven't got any money on me.Copy !req
303. - But, Edmund...
- Sorry!Copy !req
304. What's that in your tights?Copy !req
305. It looks like just over
a thousand pounds.Copy !req
306. - So it is.
- You said you didn't have any.Copy !req
307. I thought you meant "real" money.
This is just a bit of loose change.Copy !req
308. A thousand pounds
loose in your tights... That's flash!Copy !req
309. OK, hand it over. Thanks. Bye.Copy !req
310. Well, goodbye indeed.Copy !req
311. Goodbye, Ma'am.
Goodbye, Melchett.Copy !req
312. Goodbye, Nursie.Copy !req
313. Bye!Copy !req
314. Silly old Edmund!
He was completely fooled.Copy !req
315. - That was a brilliant joke, Melchy.
- Brilliant, Ma'am!Copy !req
316. And now I'm going to
have you executed.Copy !req
317. It's for taking the mickey out of
my dear Edmund so cruelly.Copy !req
318. - I'm gonna knock your block off.
- Majesty, I only intended to please!Copy !req
319. Oh, please! I so want to live!Copy !req
320. Praise the Lord for
the gift of laughter!Copy !req
321. I've lost the money.
I'm going to have to run away.Copy !req
322. - Why, My Lord?
- To avoid these monks!Copy !req
323. No point. The Black Bank's
got branches everywhere.Copy !req
324. If I die, Baldrick, do you think
people would remember me?Copy !req
325. People would be slapping
each other on the shoulders...Copy !req
326. and saying:
"Do you remember old Privy-breath?"Copy !req
327. Do people call me "Privy-breath"?Copy !req
328. - The ones who like you.
- Am I then not popular?Copy !req
329. When people slip in
what dogs have left in the street...Copy !req
330. they do tend to say:
"Whoops, I've trod on an Edmund".Copy !req
331. Bloody cheek! I'll show them.Copy !req
332. Have you got a plan, My Lord?Copy !req
333. Yes. It's so cunning
you could brush your teeth with it.Copy !req
334. All I need is some feathers,
a dress, some oil, an easel...Copy !req
335. lots of paper, a prostitute and
the best portrait painter in England.Copy !req
336. The most famous portrait painter
in England: Mr Leonardo Acropolis!Copy !req
337. - Right, are you any good?
- No! I am... a genius!Copy !req
338. Well, you'd better be, or you're dead!Copy !req
339. Right, in the bedroom, Beardface.
Baldrick, get the door.Copy !req
340. My Lord, the Bishop of Bath and Wells.Copy !req
341. The time has come, Blackadder!Copy !req
342. The Black Monks will have their money.Copy !req
343. Or I will have my fun.Copy !req
344. - You enjoy your work, don't you?
- Bits of it, yes.Copy !req
345. - The violent bits.
- Yes.Copy !req
346. You see, I am a colossal pervert.Copy !req
347. No form of sexual depravity
is too low for me.Copy !req
348. Animal, vegetable or mineral...
I'll do anything to anything.Copy !req
349. Fine words for a Bishop.Copy !req
350. Nice to hear the Church speaking out
on social issues for a change.Copy !req
351. - Have you got the money?
- Nope.Copy !req
352. Good. I hate it when people pay up.Copy !req
353. Say your prayers, Blackadder.
It's poker time!Copy !req
354. Fine. Are you ever concerned
that people might find you out?Copy !req
355. No. I kill, I maim, I fornicate.Copy !req
356. As far as my flock is concerned my
only vice is a tipple before Evensong.Copy !req
357. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
358. Bend over, Blackadder!Copy !req
359. This is where you get...
Drugged by God!Copy !req
360. No, by Baldrick,
but the effect is much the same.Copy !req
361. Wakey, wakey, Bish.
You clerics really are slugabeds.Copy !req
362. - Where am I? I remember... drugged.
- That's right.Copy !req
363. You should have killed me
while you had the chance.Copy !req
364. You have looked in wonder
at your last dawn, Blackadder!Copy !req
365. I'm not so sure. I did wonder
what people who saw this might think.Copy !req
366. Heavens above,
what creatures from Hell are those?Copy !req
367. They make an interesting couple?
I think you'll recognise...Copy !req
368. this huge, sweating
mound of blubber here, Fatso.Copy !req
369. There's no point.
We have the preliminary sketches.Copy !req
370. We'll soon make some copies. One
for the Queen, one for the Archbishop.Copy !req
371. And a couple to form the basis of an
exhibition of a young artist's work.Copy !req
372. By the horns of Beelzebub,
how did you get me into that position?Copy !req
373. Beautifully framed, don't you think?
It's exactly what happened to you.Copy !req
374. Never have I encountered such
corrupt and foul-minded perversity!Copy !req
375. Have you ever considered
a career in the Church?Copy !req
376. No, I could never get
used to the underwear.Copy !req
377. I could use eleven hundred pounds
to buy back my house,Copy !req
378. four thousand pounds
to cover some sundry expences...Copy !req
379. and thruppence for a celebratory
binge at Mrs Miggins' pie shop.Copy !req
380. Yes, but first, one question:
Who is the second figure?Copy !req
381. Who could you have got
to have performed such deeds,Copy !req
382. to have plunged the
depths of degradationCopy !req
383. just to save your filthy life?Copy !req
384. Percy, may I introduce His Grace,
the Bishop of Bath and Wells.Copy !req
385. Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy, heir
to the Duchy of Northumberland.Copy !req
386. Hello.Copy !req
387. It was lovely working with you.Copy !req