Blackadder 4x6

1. By the center, quick march!

2. Eyes right!

3. Eyes right!

4. - Care for a smoke, sir? - No, thank you, erm...

5. - Private? - Oh, thank you, sir.

6. Oh, dash and blast all this hanging about, sir!

7. I'm as bored as a pacifist pistol.

8. When are we gonna see some action?

9. Well, George, I strongly suspect that your

10. long wait for certain death is nearly at an end.

11. Surely you must have noticed something in the air?

12. Well, yes, of course,

13. but I thought that was Private Baldrick.

14. Unless I'm very much mistaken,

15. soon we will at last be making the final big push.

16. That one we've been so looking forward to all these years.

17. Well, hurrah with highly polished brass knobs on!

18. About time.

19. Hello. The Somme public baths.

20. No running, shouting or piddling in the shallow end.

21. Ah, Captain Darling. Tomorrow at dawn.

22. Oh, excellent. See you later then. Bye.

23. Gentlemen, our long wait is nearly at an end.

24. Tomorrow morning, General Insanity Melchett

25. invites you to a mass slaughter.

26. We're going over the top.

27. Well, huzzah and hurrah!

28. God save the King, Rule, Britannia,

29. and boo sucks to Harry Hun!

30. Or to put it more precisely,

31. you're going over the top. I'm getting out of here.

32. Oh, now come on, Cap.

33. It may be a bit risky, but it sure was bloomin' hell worth it, guv'nor.

34. How can it be possibly be worth it?

35. We've been sitting here since Christmas, 1914

36. during which millions of men have died,

37. and we've advanced no further than an asthmatic ant

38. with some heavy shopping.

39. No, but...

40. But this time I'm absolutely pos we'll break through.

41. It's ice cream in Berlin in 15 days.

42. Or ice cold in no man's land in 15 seconds.

43. No, the time has come to get out of this madness once and for all.

44. What madness is that?

45. Oh, for God's sake, George.

46. How long have you been in the army?

47. Oh, me? Oh, I joined up straight away, sir.

48. August 4, 1914. Oh, what a day that was.

49. Myself and the rest of the fellows

50. leap-frogging down to the Cambridge recruiting office

51. and then playing tiddlywinks in the queue.

52. We'd hammered Oxford's tiddlywinkers only the week before

53. and there we were, off to hammer the Boche.

54. Crashingly superb bunch of blokes.

55. Fine, clean-limbed.

56. Even our acne had a strange nobility about it.

57. Yes, and how are all the boys now?

58. Oh, well, er, Jocko and the Badger

59. bought it at the first Ypres, unfortunately.

60. Quite a shock, that.

61. I remember Bumfluff's housemaster wrote and told me

62. that Sticky had been out for a duck,

63. and the Gubber had snitched a parcel sausage end

64. and gone goose over stump frogside.

65. Meaning?

66. I don't know, sir, but I read in the Times that they'd both been killed.

67. And Bumfluff himself?

68. Copped a packet at Gallipoli with the Aussies.

69. So did Drippy and Strangely-Brown.

70. I remember we heard on the first morning of the Somme

71. when Titch and Mr Floppy got gassed back to Blighty.

72. Which leaves?

73. Gosh. Yes, I...

74. I suppose I'm the only one of the Trinity Tiddlers still alive.

75. Blimey, there's a thought, and not a jolly one.

76. My point exactly, George.

77. A chap might get a bit mis,

78. if it wasn't for the thought of going over the top tomorrow!

79. Right, sir. Permission to get weaving.

80. - Permission granted. - Thank you, sir.

81. - Baldrick. This is a crisis. - Captain B.

82. A large crisis, in fact, if you've got a moment,

83. it's a 12-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall,

84. carpeting throughout, 24-hour porterage

85. and an enormous sign on the roof saying, "This is a large crisis."

86. A large crisis requires a large plan.

87. Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants.

88. Right, Baldrick, this is an old trick I picked up in the Sudan.

89. We tell HQ that I've gone insane,

90. and I will be invalided back to Blighty before you can say "wooble."

91. A poor gormless idiot.

92. But I'm a gormless idiot, sir,

93. and I've never been invalided back to Blighty.

94. Yes, Baldrick, but you never said "wooble."

95. Now, ask me some simple questions.

96. Right. What is your name?

97. Wooble.

98. - What is two plus two? - Oh, wooble wooble.

99. - Where do you live? - London.

100. - Eh? - A small village on Mars,

101. just outside the capital city, Wooble.

102. All men present and correct, sir? Ready for the off, eh?

103. I'm afraid not, Lieutenant.

104. I'm just off to Hartlepool to buy some exploding trousers.

105. Come again, sir? Have you gone barking mad?

106. Yes, George, I have. Cluck, cluck, gibber, gibber.

107. My old man's a mushroom, et cetera.

108. Go send a runner to tell General Melchett

109. that your captain has gone insane.

110. I must return to England at once.

111. But, sir, how utterly ghastly for you.

112. I mean...

113. Well, you'll miss the whole rest of the war.

114. Yes, very bad luck. Beep.

115. - Right. - Beep.

116. Now, Baldrick, I'll be back as soon as I can.

117. Pa pa.

118. Whatever you do, don't excite him.

119. Fat chance.

120. Now all we have to do is wait. Baldrick, fix us some coffee, will you?

121. And try to make it taste slightly less like mud this time.

122. Not easy, I'm afraid, Captain.

123. - Why is this? - Cos it is mud.

124. We ran out of coffee 13 months ago.

125. So every time I've drunk your coffee since,

126. I have in fact been drinking hot mud.

127. - With sugar. - Hmm.

128. Which of course makes all the difference.

129. Well, it would do if we had any sugar,

130. but unfortunately we ran out New Year's Eve, 1915,

131. since when I've been using sugar substitute.

132. - Which is? - Dandruff.

133. Brilliant.

134. Still, I could add some milk this time...

135. - Well, saliva. - No...

136. No, thank you, Baldrick.

137. Call me Mr Picky, but I think I'll cancel the coffee.

138. That's probably cos you're mad, sir.

139. Well, quite.

140. Well, it didn't go down at all well, I'm afraid, sir.

141. Captain Darling said they'd be along directly, but, well...

142. You'd better be damn doolally.

143. Don't worry, George, I am. Okay. Okay.

144. When they get here I'll show them what totally and utterly bonkerooni means.

145. Waff.

146. Until then we've got bugger-all to do except sit and wait.

147. Well, I don't know, sir, we could, er...

148. We could have a jolly game of charades!

149. Oh, yes!

150. And a sing-along of musical hits like Birmingham Bertie

151. and, er, Whoops, Mrs Miggins, You're Sitting On My Artichokes.

152. Yes, I think bugger-all might be rather more fun.

153. Permission to ask a question, sir.

154. Permission granted, Baldrick,

155. as long as isn't the one about where babies come from.

156. No, the thing is, the way I see it,

157. these days there's a war on, right?

158. And ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right?

159. So, there must have been a moment

160. when there not being a war on went away, right?

161. And there being a war on came along.

162. So, what I want to know is

163. how did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

164. Do you mean how did the war start?

165. Yeah.

166. The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-building.

167. George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe

168. while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika.

169. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved from blame

170. on the imperialistic front.

171. Er, oh, no. No, sir. Absolutely not.

172. Mad as a bicycle.

173. I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke

174. shot an ostrich cos he was hungry.

175. I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.

176. No, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.

177. Well, possibly.

178. But the real reason for the whole thing

179. was that it was just too much effort not to have a war.

180. By gum, this is interesting, I always loved history.

181. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.

182. You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe,

183. two super-blocs developed, us, the French and the Russians on one side,

184. and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other.

185. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies,

186. each acting as the other's deterrent.

187. That way there could never be a war.

188. But this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?

189. Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.

190. - What was that, sir? - It was bollocks.

191. So the poor old ostrich died for nothing?

192. Attention!

193. Right, they're here. Erm...

194. Baldrick, you keep him warm. I'll go prepare the ground.

195. - Sir! - George, how's the patient?

196. Well, it's touch and go, I'm afraid, sir. I...

197. I really can't vouch for his behaviour.

198. He's gone mad, you see. Stir-fry crazy.

199. I see. Is this genuinely mad?

200. Oh, yes, sir.

201. Or has he simply put his underpants on his head and stuffed

202. a couple of pencils up his nose?

203. That's what they all used to do in the Sudan.

204. I remember I once had to shoot a whole platoon for trying that.

205. Well, let's have a look at him.

206. Attention!

207. And the other thing they used to do in the Sudan

208. was to get dressed up like this

209. and pretend to be mad.

210. But don't let me catch you trying that one, Baldrick,

211. or I'll have you shot, all right? Dismissed.

212. Well, hello, sir. Didn't hear you come in.

213. Well now, Blackadder, they tell me you've gone mad.

214. No, sir. No, no. Must be a breakdown of communication.

215. Someone obviously heard I was mad with excitement, waiting for the off.

216. There you are, you see, Darling?

217. I told you there'd be a perfectly rational explanation.

218. Right, George, have your chaps fall in.

219. - Very good, sir. - Well, it's rather odd, sir.

220. The message was very clear,

221. "Captain Blackadder gone totally tonto."

222. "Bring straitjacket for immediate return to Blighty."

223. Don't be ridiculous, Darling. The Hero of Mboto Gorge mad?

224. Well, you've only got to look at him to see he's as sane as I am.

225. Would that be the Mboto Gorge where we massacred the peace-loving pygmies

226. of the Upper Volta and stole all their fruit?

227. No, a totally different Mboto Gorge.

228. Oh.

229. Cup of coffee, Darling?

230. Oh, thank you.

231. - Baldrick, do the honours. - Sir.

232. - Sugar, sir? - Three lumps.

233. Think you can manage three lumps, Baldrick?

234. I'll rummage around, see what I can find, sir.

235. Make it a milky one.

236. Coming up, sir.

237. Well, George,

238. you must have been delighted to hear the news of the big push.

239. Absolutely, sir. Our chance to show the Hun that it takes more than

240. a pointy hat and bad breath to defeat the armies of King George!

241. That's the spirit!

242. - Here you are, sir. - Ah, cappuccino.

243. Have you got any of that, erm...

244. Any of that brown stuff you sprinkle on the top?

245. - Well, I'm sure I could... - No, no.

246. Attention.

247. Ah, well. Fine body of men you've got out there, Blackadder.

248. Yes, sir. Shortly to become fine bodies of men.

249. Ah, nonsense. You'll pull through.

250. I remember when we played the old Harrovians back in '96,

251. they said we'd never break through to their back line,

252. but we ducked and we bobbed and we wove

253. and we damn well won the game 15-4.

254. Yes, sir, but the Harrow fullback wasn't armed with a heavy machine gun.

255. No, that's a good point.

256. - Make a note, Darling. - Sir.

257. "Recommendation for the Harrow Governors,"

258. "Heavy machine guns for fullbacks."

259. Bright idea, Blackadder. Now then, soldier,

260. you looking forward to giving those Frenchies a damn good licking?

261. Er, no, sir. It's the Germans we shall be licking, sir.

262. Don't be revolting, Darling.

263. I wouldn't lick a German if he was glazed in honey.

264. - Sorry. - Now then, soldier,

265. - do you love your country? - Certainly do, sir.

266. - Do you love your King? - Certainly don't, sir.

267. And why not?

268. My mother told me never to trust men with beards, sir.

269. Excellent! Native cockney wit.

270. Well, best of luck to you all.

271. Sorry I can't be with you, but obviously there's no place

272. at the front for an old general with a dicky heart and a wooden bladder.

273. By the way, George, if you want to accompany me back to HQ

274. and watch the results as they come in,

275. I think I can guarantee a place in the car.

276. Oh, no, thank you, sir. I wouldn't miss this show for anything.

277. I'm as excited as a very excited person

278. who's got a special reason to be excited, sir.

279. Excellent. Well, chuff-chuff, then.

280. See you all in Berlin for coffee and cakes.

281. Right.

282. What is the matter with you today, Darling?

283. I'm so sorry, Blackadder. Come on, Darling, we're leaving.

284. Righto, sir, I'm glad you're not barking any more.

285. Well, thank you, George. Although quite clearly you are.

286. You were offered a way out, and you didn't take it.

287. Oh, absolutely not, sir!

288. No, I can't wait to get stuck into the Boche!

289. You won't have time to get stuck into the Boche!

290. We'll all be cut to pieces by machine gun fire

291. before we can say "charge."

292. - Right, so, what do we do now? - Shall I do my war poem?

293. How hurt would you be if I gave the honest answer?

294. Which is, "No, I'd rather French kiss a skunk."

295. So would I, sir.

296. All right. Fire away, Baldrick.

297. "Hear the words I sing War's a horrid thing"

298. "So I sing, sing, sing"

299. "Ding-a-ling-a-ling"

300. Oh, bravo, yes!

301. Yes. Well, it started badly,

302. and it tailed off a little in the middle,

303. and the less said about the end, the better.

304. But apart from that, excellent.

305. Oh, shall I do another one, then, sir?

306. No, we wouldn't want to exhaust you.

307. No, don't worry. I could go on all night.

308. Not with a bayonet through your neck, you couldn't!

309. This one is called The German Guns.

310. Oh, spiffing! Yes, let's hear that.

311. "Boom, boom, boom, boom"

312. "Boom, boom, boom"

313. "Boom, boom, boom, boom"

314. "Boom, boom, boom?"

315. - How did you guess, sir? - I say, sir! That is spooky!

316. I'm sorry, I think I've got to get out of here!

317. Well, I have a cunning plan, sir.

318. All right, Baldrick, for old time's sake.

319. Well, you phone Field Marshal Haig, sir, and you ask him to get you out of here.

320. Baldrick, even by your standards it's pathetic!

321. I've only ever met Field Marshal Haig once, it was 20 years ago,

322. and, my God, you've got it, you've got it!

323. Well, if I've got it, you've got it too, now, sir.

324. I can't believe I've been so stupid.

325. One phone call will do it. One phone call and I'll be free.

326. Let's see, it's 3:30 am. I'll call about 5:45.

327. Excellent, excellent. Well, I'll get packing.

328. You know, I won't half miss you chaps after the war.

329. Don't worry, Lieutenant, I'll come visit you.

330. Oh, will you really? Oh, bravo! Yes.

331. Jump into the old jalopy and come down and stay in the country,

332. we can relive the old times.

333. What, dig a hole in the garden, fill it with water

334. and get your gamekeeper

335. to shoot at us all day?

336. You know, that's the thing

337. I don't really understand about you, Captain.

338. You know, you're a professional soldier, and yet,

339. sometimes you sound as though

340. you bally well haven't enjoyed soldiering at all.

341. Well, you see, George, I did like it, back in the old days

342. when the prerequisite of a British campaign

343. was that the enemy should

344. under no circumstances carry guns.

345. Even spears made us think twice.

346. The kind of people we liked to fight were two feet tall

347. and armed with dry grass.

348. Oh, now, come off it, sir.

349. What about Mboto Gorge, for heaven's sake?

350. Yes, that was a bit of a nasty one.

351. Ten thousand Watusi warriors armed to the teeth

352. with kiwi fruit and guava halves.

353. After the battle, instead of taking prisoners,

354. we simply made a huge fruit salad.

355. No, when I joined up,

356. I never imagined anything as awful as this war.

357. I'd had 15 years of military experience

358. perfecting the art of ordering a pink gin,

359. and saying, "Do you do it doggy-doggy?" in Swahili,

360. and suddenly four-and-a-half million heavily armed Germans hove into view.

361. That was a shock, I can tell you.

362. I thought it was going to be such fun, too.

363. We all did.

364. Joining the local regiment and everything.

365. Turnip Street Workhouse Pals.

366. It was great. I'll never forget it.

367. It was the first time I ever felt really popular.

368. Everyone was cheering, throwing flowers.

369. Some girl even come up and kissed me.

370. Poor woman. First casualty of the war.

371. And I loved the training.

372. All we had to do was bayonet sacks full of straw.

373. Even I could do that.

374. I remember saying to my mum,

375. "These sacks will be easy to outwit in a battle situation."

376. And then, shortly after, we all met up, didn't we?

377. Just before Christmas, 1914.

378. Yes, that's right. I'd just arrived

379. and we had that wonderful Christmas truce.

380. Do you remember, sir? We could hear Silent Night

381. drifting across the still, clear air of no man's land.

382. And then they came, the Germans, emerging out of the freezing night mist,

383. calling to us.

384. And we clambered up over the top and went to meet them.

385. Both sides advanced more during one Christmas piss-up

386. than they managed in the next two-and-a-half years of war.

387. Do you remember the football match?

388. Remember it? How could I forget it?

389. I was never offside! I could not believe that decision!

390. And since then we've been stuck here for three flipping years!

391. We haven't moved! All my friends are dead,

392. my pet spider, Sammy.

393. Katy the worm. Berty the bird.

394. Everyone except Neville the fat hamster.

395. I'm afraid Neville bought it, too. I'm sorry.

396. Neville gone, sir?

397. Actually, not quite gone. He's in the corner, bunging up the sink.

398. Oh, no!

399. It didn't have to happen, sir! If it wasn't for this terrible war,

400. Neville would still be here today,

401. sniffling his little nose and going, "Eek."

402. On the other hand, if he hadn't died,

403. I wouldn't have been able to insert a curtain rod

404. in his bottom and use him as a dish mop.

405. Why can't we just stop, sir?

406. Why can't we just say, "No more killing, let's all go home?"

407. Why would it be stupid just to pack it in, sir, why?

408. Now, now, now, look here,

409. you just stop that conchie talk right now, Private.

410. It's absurd, it's Bolshevism, and it wouldn't work, anyway.

411. - Why not, sir? - Why not?

412. What do you mean? Why wouldn't it work?

413. It wouldn't work because they're...

414. Now, you just get on with polishing those boots, all right?

415. And let's have a bit less of that lip!

416. I think I managed to crush the mutiny there, sir.

417. Well, to think, sir, in just a few hours, we'll be off.

418. Of course, not that I wouldn't miss all this, sir. But, uh...

419. I mean, we've had some good times. We've had damnably good laughs, eh?

420. Yes, can't think of any specific ones myself.

421. - Darling? - Sir.

422. No, no. Sit, sit, sit.

423. - Can't sleep either, eh? - Ah, no, sir.

424. Thinking about the push, sir.

425. Hoping the Boche will forget to set their alarm clocks,

426. oversleep, and still be in their pyjamas when our boys turn up.

427. Yes, yes.

428. I've been thinking, too, Darling.

429. - Sir? - You know,

430. over these last few yea rs,

431. I've come to think of you as a sort of son.

432. Not a favorite son, of course.

433. Lord, no! More a sort of illegitimate backstairs sort of sprog, you know?

434. A sort of spotty squirt that nobody really likes.

435. But, nonetheless, still fruit of my overactive loins.

436. Ah, thank you, sir.

437. And I want to do what's best for you, Darling,

438. so I've given it a great deal of thought and I want you to have this.

439. A postal order for 10 shillings.

440. No, sorry. That's my godson's wedding present.

441. Ah, here.

442. Er, no, sir. This is a commission for the front line, sir.

443. Yes.

444. I've been awfully selfish, Darling, keeping you back here

445. instead of letting you join in the fun and games.

446. This will let you get to the front line immediately.

447. But, sir, I don't want to.

448. To leave me?

449. I appreciate that, Darling,

450. but damn it, I'll just have to enter Berlin

451. without someone to carry my feathery hat.

452. No, sir, I don't want to go into battle...

453. Without me? I know, but I'm too old, Darling.

454. I'm just going to have to sit this one out

455. on the touchline with the half-time oranges

456. and the fat, wheezy boys with a note from matron,

457. while you young bloods link arms

458. and go together for the glorious final scrum down.

459. No, sir. You're...

460. You're not listening, sir.

461. I'm begging you. Please.

462. For the sake of all the times I've helped you

463. with your dicky bows and your dicky bladder...

464. Please, don't make me...

465. Make you go through the farewell debagging ceremony in the mess.

466. No, I've spared you that too,

467. you touchingly sentimental young booby.

468. No, no fuss, no bother. The driver is already here.

469. - But... - No, no. Not a word, Kevin.

470. I know what you want to say.

471. I know.

472. Goodbye, Kevin Darling.

473. Goodbye, sir.

474. It's stopped raining at last, sir, begging your pardon.

475. Looks like we might have a nice day for it.

476. - Yes, it's nearly morning. - Good Lord, so it is.

477. Right, time to make my call.

478. Hello, Field Marshal Sir Douglas Haig, please.

479. Yes, it's urgent.

480. - Haig. - Hello, Sir Douglas!

481. Who is this?

482. Captain Blackadder, sir.

483. Erstwhile of the 7945th East African Rifles.

484. - Good Lord. Blacky! - Yes, sir!

485. - Haven't seen you since... - '92, sir. Mboto Gorge.

486. By jingo, yes.

487. We sure gave those pygmies a good squashing.

488. We certainly did, sir, and do you remember...

489. My God, yes. You saved my damn life that day, Blacky.

490. If it weren't for you,

491. that pygmy woman with the sharpened mango could have seriously...

492. Well, exactly, sir.

493. And do you remember then that you said that if I was ever in real trouble,

494. if I ever really needed a favor, that I was to call you,

495. and you'd do everything you could to help me?

496. Yes, yes, I do, and I stick by it.

497. You know me, not a man to change my mind.

498. No, we've noticed that.

499. So, what do you want? Spit it out, man.

500. Well, you see, sir,

501. it's the big push today,

502. and I'm not all that keen to go over the top.

503. Oh, I see. Well...

504. It was a viciously sharp slice of mango, wasn't it, sir?

505. Well, this is most irregular, but, erm...

506. All right. If I do fix it for you,

507. I never want to hear from you again, is that clear?

508. Suits me, Dougie!

509. Very well. Listen carefully, Blackadder.

510. I won't repeat this.

511. Put your underpants on your head and stick two pencils up your nose.

512. They'll think you're crazy and send you home.

513. Right, favor returned!

514. I think the phrase rhymes with clucking bell.

515. Does that mean you'll be going over the top now, sir?

516. Field Marshal?

517. Well, not... Not quite, Blackadder! At least not yet.

518. No, I just wanted to let you know

519. that I've sent a little surprise over for you.

520. Sir!

521. - Captain Darling. - Captain Blackadder.

522. Here to join us for the last waltz?

523. Erm, yes.

524. Tired of folding the General's pyjamas.

525. Well, this is splendid, comradely news.

526. Together, we'll fight for King and country,

527. and be sucking sausages in Berlin by teatime.

528. Yes, I hope their cafes are well-stocked.

529. Everyone seems determined to eat out the moment they arrive.

530. No, really, this is brave, splendid and noble!

531. - Sir? - Yes, Lieutenant?

532. I'm scared, sir.

533. I'm scared too, sir.

534. I mean, I'm the last of the tiddlywinking leap-froggers

535. from the golden summer of 1914.

536. I don't want to die.

537. Really, I'm not over keen on dying at all, sir.

538. How are you feeling, Darling?

539. Erm, not all that good, Blackadder.

540. Rather hoped I'd get through the whole show,

541. go back to work at Pratt and Sons,

542. keep wicket for the Croydon gentlemen,

543. marry Doris...

544. Made a note in my diary on the way here.

545. It simply says, "Bugger."

546. Well, quite.

547. - Stand to! - Right, let's move.

548. Fix bayonets.

549. Don't forget your stick, Lieutenant.

550. Oh no, sir, wouldn't want to face a machine gun without this!

551. Listen. Our guns have stopped.

552. - You don't think... - Maybe the war's over.

553. Maybe it's peace.

554. Well, hurrah! The big knobs have gone 'round the table

555. and yanked the iron out of the fire!

556. Thank God! We lived through it.

557. The Great War, 1914 to 1917.

558. - Hip hip! - Hooray!

559. I'm afraid not.

560. The guns have stopped because we're about to attack.

561. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell their own men.

562. They think it's far more sporting to let the Germans do it.

563. So we are in fact going over. This is, as they say, it.

564. I'm afraid so, unless I can think of something very quickly.

565. Company, one pace forward.

566. Oh, there's a nasty splinter on that ladder, sir!

567. A bloke could hurt himself on that.

568. Stand ready.

569. I have a plan, sir.

570. Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?

571. Yes, sir.

572. As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed

573. Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?

574. Yes, sir.

575. On the signal, company will advance.

576. Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait.

577. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this

578. by pretending to be mad.

579. I mean, who would have noticed another madman around here?

580. Good luck, everyone.

581. Charge!