1. Copy !req
2. Copy !req
3. Copy !req
4. Ready, march!Copy !req
5. Eyes... right!Copy !req
6. Eyes, right!Copy !req
7. You'd like to book a table
for three by the windowCopy !req
8. for 9:30 pm,Copy !req
9. not too near the band,Copy !req
10. in the name of Obel-Ointment Fungentula?Copy !req
11. Yes, yes, I think you
might have the wrong number.Copy !req
12. That's all right.Copy !req
13. Another crossed line, eh, sir?Copy !req
14. That phone system is a shambles,Copy !req
15. no wonder we haven't had any orders!Copy !req
16. On the contrary, George,
we've had plenty of orders.Copy !req
17. We have orders for six metersCopy !req
18. of Hungarian crushed velvet
curtain material,Copy !req
19. four rock salmon and a ha'pence of chips,Copy !req
20. and a cab for a Mr. Redgrave,Copy !req
21. picking up from 14 Arnost Grove,
Raintop Bell.Copy !req
22. Rather! We don't want those sort of orders,Copy !req
23. we want orders to deck old glory.Copy !req
24. When are we going to give Fritz
a taste of our British spunk?Copy !req
25. George, please.Copy !req
26. No one is more anxious
to advance than I am,Copy !req
27. but until I get these
communication problems sorted out,Copy !req
28. I'm afraid we're stuck.Copy !req
29. Captain Blackadder speaking.Copy !req
30. No, I'm afraid the line's very cclllffffhhtttt!Copy !req
31. Hello?
Hello, Captain Blackadder, hello?Copy !req
32. Schnell, schnell, die koppeltopCopy !req
33. I said there's a terrible line at my end.Copy !req
34. You're to advance on the enemy at once.Copy !req
35. Ppttttt...Copy !req
36. # A wandering minstrel eye in the... #Copy !req
37. Gale Force Eight... imminent.Copy !req
38. I say, sir, what's the message?Copy !req
39. I'm on tenterhooks, do tell!Copy !req
40. Well, as far as I can tell,
the message was,Copy !req
41. he's got a terrible lion up his end,Copy !req
42. so there's an advantage
to an enema at once.Copy !req
43. Damn!Copy !req
44. Message from HQ, sir.Copy !req
45. Ah, now, this'll be it.Copy !req
46. A telegram ordering an advance!Copy !req
47. Hmm, yes, I'm afraid not, George.Copy !req
48. It "is" a telegram,
it "is" ordering an advance,Copy !req
49. but it seems to be addressed to someone
called 'Catpain Blackudder'.Copy !req
50. Do you know
a Catpain Blackudder, George?Copy !req
51. Well, it rings a bell, but I... no.Copy !req
52. - Nope, me neither.
- Oh, well.Copy !req
53. Anyway, George, I'm sure
if they want to contact us, they'll find a way.Copy !req
54. Pigeons, sir!
There's a pigeon in our trench!Copy !req
55. Ah, now, this'll be it!Copy !req
56. Yes, it's one of the King's carrier pigeons.Copy !req
57. No, it isn't, that pigeon
couldn't carry the King!Copy !req
58. Hasn't got a tray or anything.Copy !req
59. Lieutenant, revolver, please.Copy !req
60. Oh now, sir, you really
shouldn't do this, you know!Copy !req
61. Come on, George,
with 50,000 men getting killed a week,Copy !req
62. who's going to miss a pigeon?Copy !req
63. Well, not you, obviously, sir.Copy !req
64. In any case, it's scarcely
a court-martial offence.Copy !req
65. Get plucking, Baldrick.Copy !req
66. All right, sir.Copy !req
67. Look, it's got a little ring 'round its leg,Copy !req
68. there's a novelty!Copy !req
69. Oh, really, is there a paper hat, as well?Copy !req
70. No, but there's a joke.
Read it out, sir.Copy !req
71. It's a bit charred.Copy !req
72. Something-something at once...Copy !req
73. P.S., due to communication crisis,Copy !req
74. the shooting of carrier pigeons
is now a court-martial offence.Copy !req
75. I don't see what's funny about that, sir.Copy !req
76. It's not funny, it's deadly serious.
We're in trouble.Copy !req
77. So I shall eat the evidence for lunch,Copy !req
78. and if anyone asks you any questions at all,Copy !req
79. we didn't receive any messagesCopy !req
80. and we definitely did not
shoot this plump-breasted pigeon.Copy !req
81. Umm... delicious.Copy !req
82. Aye! Blackadder!Copy !req
83. Darling: Attention!Copy !req
84. And why, Captain, are you not advancingCopy !req
85. across No Man's Land?Copy !req
86. Well, sir, call me
a bluffo traditionalist,Copy !req
87. but I was always taught to waitCopy !req
88. for the order to attack before attacking.Copy !req
89. Are you trying to tell me you
haven't received any orders?Copy !req
90. What the hell are you
playing at, Darling?Copy !req
91. That's a blatant lie, sir.Copy !req
92. I spoke to Blackadder
less than an hour ago.Copy !req
93. Yes, you did.Copy !req
94. To tell me some gobbledygook
about having a lion up your bottom.Copy !req
95. Hmm, as I thought... it's the old
communications problem again.Copy !req
96. Stand easy.Copy !req
97. Action on this is imperative.
Take that down, Darling.Copy !req
98. Also, make a note
of the word gobbledygook.Copy !req
99. I like it.Copy !req
100. I want to use it more often in conversation.Copy !req
101. I must say, sir,
I find this all very unlikely.Copy !req
102. Not only did I telephone Blackadder,Copy !req
103. but as you'll recall, we sent him a telegram
and a carrier pigeon.Copy !req
104. Did you?Copy !req
105. Are you telling us you haven't
had a pigeon, Blackadder?Copy !req
106. Um... Ahh...Copy !req
107. Come on man, you must have done!Copy !req
108. I sent our top bird... Speckled Jim.Copy !req
109. My own true love, who's been with me
since I was a nipper!Copy !req
110. To business. I'm giving you
your order to advance now.Copy !req
111. Synchronize watches, gentlemen.Copy !req
112. Private, what is the time?Copy !req
113. We didn't receive any messages,Copy !req
114. and Captain Blackadder definitely did notCopy !req
115. shoot this delicious
plump-breasted pigeon, sir.Copy !req
116. What!??Copy !req
117. You want to be cremated,
Baldrick, or buried at sea?Copy !req
118. Umm...Copy !req
119. - Ah, Lieutenant?
- Sir.Copy !req
120. Do you mind answering
a couple of questions?Copy !req
121. Not at all, sir.Copy !req
122. We didn't get any messages,Copy !req
123. and Captain Blackadder
definitely did not shootCopy !req
124. this delicious plump-breasted pigeon.Copy !req
125. Thanks, George.Copy !req
126. And look, sir, pigeon feathers...
"white" feathers.Copy !req
127. Very apt, eh, Blackadder?Copy !req
128. White feathers?Copy !req
129. Oh no, sir, that's gobbleyjook!Copy !req
130. They're not white,Copy !req
131. they're sort of speckly!Copy !req
132. Speckly?!Copy !req
133. Aahhhhhhhh!Copy !req
134. You shot my Speckled Jim??!!Copy !req
135. You're for it now, Blackadder.Copy !req
136. Quite frankly, sir, I've suspected this
for some time.Copy !req
137. Quite clearly, Captain Blackadder
has been disobeying ordersCopy !req
138. with a breathtaking impertinence.Copy !req
139. I don't care if he's been
rogering the Duke of YorkCopy !req
140. with a prize-winning leek!Copy !req
141. He shot my pigeon!!!Copy !req
142. Aaahh-ahhhh-ooohhhh!Copy !req
143. Take it easy, sir.Copy !req
144. I think we should do this
by the book, sir.Copy !req
145. Yes, yes, you're right, of course.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
146. Attention!Copy !req
147. Captain Blackadder, as of this momentCopy !req
148. you may consider yourself under arrest.Copy !req
149. You know what the penalty is for
disobeying orders, Blackadder?Copy !req
150. Umm... court-martial,Copy !req
151. followed by immediate cessation
of chocolate rations?Copy !req
152. No.Copy !req
153. Court-martial followed by immediate death
by firing squad.Copy !req
154. Oh, so I got it half right.Copy !req
155. All saddled in and happy,
are we then, sir?Copy !req
156. Reining all our last goodbyes?Copy !req
157. Oh, no need for that, Perkins,Copy !req
158. I've just dashed off a couple of notes,Copy !req
159. one asking for a sponge bag,
and the other sending for my lawyer.Copy !req
160. Oh, your lawyer, yes.Copy !req
161. Don't you think that might be
a bit of a waste of money, sir?Copy !req
162. Not when he's the finest mind
in English legal history.Copy !req
163. Ever heard of Bob Massingbird?Copy !req
164. Oh, yes indeed, sir!
A most gifted gentleman!Copy !req
165. Quite. I remember Massingbird's
most famous case,Copy !req
166. the Case of the Bloody Knife.Copy !req
167. A man was found next to a murdered body,Copy !req
168. he had the knife in his hand,Copy !req
169. thirteen witnesses had
seen him stab the victim,Copy !req
170. and when the police arrived he said,Copy !req
171. "I'm glad I killed the bastard."Copy !req
172. Massingbird not only got him off,Copy !req
173. he got him knighted
in the New Year's honours list,Copy !req
174. and the relatives of the victimCopy !req
175. had to pay to have the blood
washed out of his jacket.Copy !req
176. And he's a dab hand
at the prosecution, as well, sir.Copy !req
177. Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.Copy !req
178. Oh, butch Oscar.Copy !req
179. Exactly... big, bearded,
bonking, butch Oscar,Copy !req
180. the terror of the ladies.Copy !req
181. 114 illegitimate children,
world heavyweight boxing champion,Copy !req
182. and author of the best-selling pamphlet,Copy !req
183. Why I Like To Do It With Girls...Copy !req
184. and Massingbird had him sent down
for being a whoopsie.Copy !req
185. Ah, Baldrick.Copy !req
186. - Anything from Mattingburg yet?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
187. It just arrived, sir.Copy !req
188. - What is it?
- Sponge bag, sir.Copy !req
189. - A sponge bag?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
190. Baldrick, I gave you two notes.Copy !req
191. You sent the note asking for a sponge bagCopy !req
192. to the finest mind in English legal history.Copy !req
193. Certainly did, sir!Copy !req
194. And you sent the note requesting
legal representation to... ?Copy !req
195. Well, tally-ho, with a bing and a bong
and a buzz-buzz-buzz!Copy !req
196. Oh, GodCopy !req
197. I'll tell you first of all, sir,Copy !req
198. that I am deeply, deeply honoured.Copy !req
199. Baldrick, I'll deal with you later.Copy !req
200. Am I to understand that
you are going to represent meCopy !req
201. at the court-martial?Copy !req
202. Absolutely, sir.
It's a sort of family tradition.Copy !req
203. My uncle's a lawyer, you know.Copy !req
204. Your uncle's a lawyer, but you're not.Copy !req
205. Oh, good Lord, no.Copy !req
206. I'm an absolute duffer at this sort of thing.Copy !req
207. In the school debating society,Copy !req
208. I was voted the boy least likelyCopy !req
209. to complete a coherent... um...Copy !req
210. Sentence?Copy !req
211. That's it, yes.Copy !req
212. But anyway, my dear old friend,Copy !req
213. it's an honor to serve.Copy !req
214. George, I'm in deep trouble here.Copy !req
215. I need to construct a caseCopy !req
216. that's as watertight as
a mermaid's brassiere.Copy !req
217. I'm not sure your particular
brand of mindless optimismCopy !req
218. is going to contribute much
to the proceedings.Copy !req
219. That's a shame, sir, because I was planningCopy !req
220. on playing the mindless optimism card
very strongly during your trial.Copy !req
221. I beg your pardon?Copy !req
222. Yes, I've alreadyCopy !req
223. planned my closing address
based on that very theme.Copy !req
224. Oh, go on, let him off,
your Honour, please!Copy !req
225. After all, it's a lovely day.Copy !req
226. Pretty clouds, trees, birds, et cetera.Copy !req
227. I rest my case.Copy !req
228. So, Counsel, with that
summing up in mind,Copy !req
229. what do you think my chances are?Copy !req
230. Well, not all that good, I'm afraid,Copy !req
231. as far as I can tell, you're as guilty
as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.Copy !req
232. Charming.Copy !req
233. Crikey! So sorry I'm late, my love.Copy !req
234. But anyway, let me
open my defence straightawayCopy !req
235. by saying that I've
known this man for three years,Copy !req
236. he's an absolutely corking chap...Copy !req
237. - George?
- Yes, sir?Copy !req
238. - That's the clerk of the court.
- Is it? Oh!Copy !req
239. We haven't started yet.Copy !req
240. - Good luck, Blackadder.
- Well, thank you, Darling.Copy !req
241. And what's your big job here today?Copy !req
242. Straightening chairs?Copy !req
243. No, in fact I'm appearing for the prosecution.Copy !req
244. I wouldn't raise your hopes too much.Copy !req
245. You're guilty as hell,
you haven't got a chance.Copy !req
246. Why, thank you, Darling.Copy !req
247. And I hope your mother dies
in a freak yachting accident.Copy !req
248. Just doing my job, Blackadder.Copy !req
249. Obeying orders, and, of course,
having enormous fun into the bargain.Copy !req
250. I wouldn't be too confident if I were you.Copy !req
251. Any reasonably impartial judge
is bound to let me off.Copy !req
252. Well, absolutely.Copy !req
253. Who is the judge, by the way?Copy !req
254. Bailiff!Copy !req
255. I'm dead.Copy !req
256. Well, come on, then. Come on.Copy !req
257. We'll get this over in five minutes,Copy !req
258. and then we can have a spot of lunch.Copy !req
259. Right... oohh... ahhh.Copy !req
260. The court is now in session,Copy !req
261. General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmenay
Melchett in the chair.Copy !req
262. The case before us Is that of the Crown
vs. Captain Edmund Blackadder...Copy !req
263. the Flanders pigeon murderer!Copy !req
264. Oh, clerk, hand me the black cap,
I'll be needing that.Copy !req
265. I love a fair trial.Copy !req
266. Anything to say before
we kick off, Captain Darling?Copy !req
267. May it please the court.Copy !req
268. As this is clearly an open and shut case,Copy !req
269. I beg leave to bring a private prosecution
against the defence counselCopy !req
270. for wasting the court's time.Copy !req
271. Granted. The defence counsel is fined
fifty pounds for turning up.Copy !req
272. This is fun! This is just like a real court!Copy !req
273. All right! Let the trial begin!Copy !req
274. The charge before usCopy !req
275. is that the Flanders pigeon murderer...
did deliberately,Copy !req
276. callously, and with beastliness
of forethoughtCopy !req
277. murder a lovely, innocent pigeon!Copy !req
278. And disobeyed some orders as well.Copy !req
279. Is this true?Copy !req
280. Perfectly true, sir!
I was there.Copy !req
281. Thanks, George.Copy !req
282. Oh, damn!Copy !req
283. Right. Counsel for the defence,
get on with it.Copy !req
284. Oh, right, yes, right.Copy !req
285. Um, yes. I'd like to call my first witness,Copy !req
286. Captain Darling.Copy !req
287. You wish to call the counsel
for the prosecutionCopy !req
288. as a defence witness?Copy !req
289. That's right.Copy !req
290. Don't worry, sir, I've got it all under control.Copy !req
291. Ahem. You are Captain Darling
of the general staff?Copy !req
292. I am.Copy !req
293. Captain, leaving aside
the incident in question,Copy !req
294. would you think of Captain Blackadder
as the sort of manCopy !req
295. who would usually ignore orders?Copy !req
296. Yes, I would.Copy !req
297. Ah, um. You sure?Copy !req
298. I was rather banking on
you saying "no" there.Copy !req
299. I'm sure.Copy !req
300. In fact, I have a list of
other orders he's disobeyed,Copy !req
301. if it would be useful.Copy !req
302. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
303. May 16th, 9:15 am,
10:23 am, 10:24 am,Copy !req
304. 11:17 am...Copy !req
305. You missed one out there.Copy !req
306. ...10:30 am... thank you... 11:46 am...Copy !req
307. - George!
- Oh, oh, ye-ye... right.Copy !req
308. Thank you, Captain.Copy !req
309. No further questions.Copy !req
310. Well done, George.Copy !req
311. You really had him on the ropes.Copy !req
312. Don't worry, old man.Copy !req
313. I have a last and, I think
you'll find, decisive witness.Copy !req
314. Call Private Baldrick.Copy !req
315. Call Private Baldrick.Copy !req
316. Deny everything, Baldrick.Copy !req
317. Are you Private Baldrick?Copy !req
318. No!Copy !req
319. Um, but you are
Captain Blackadder's batman?Copy !req
320. No!Copy !req
321. Come on, Baldrick.,
be a bit more helpful, it's me!Copy !req
322. No, it isn't!Copy !req
323. Sir, I must protest!Copy !req
324. Quite right!Copy !req
325. We don't need your kind here, Private.
Get out.Copy !req
326. Now, George, sum up, please.Copy !req
327. Oh, right, yes, uhhhh...Copy !req
328. Ah, gentlemen,Copy !req
329. you have heard all the evidence
presented before you today,Copy !req
330. but in the end, it is up to the conscienceCopy !req
331. of your hearts to decide.Copy !req
332. And I firmly believe, that, like me,Copy !req
333. you will conclude that Captain BlackadderCopy !req
334. is in fact, totally and utterly... guilty.Copy !req
335. ...of nothing more...Copy !req
336. ...than trying to do his duty
under difficult circumstances.Copy !req
337. Nonsense! He's a hound and a rutter,
and he's going to be shot!Copy !req
338. However, before we proceedCopy !req
339. to the formality of sentencing
the deceased...Copy !req
340. I mean the defendant...Copy !req
341. I think we'd all rather enjoy
hearing the case of the prosecution.Copy !req
342. Captain Darling, if you please.Copy !req
343. Sir, my case is very simple.Copy !req
344. I call my first witness,Copy !req
345. General Sir Anthony
Cecil Hogmaney Melchett.Copy !req
346. Ah! Umm!Copy !req
347. Clever. Clever!Copy !req
348. General, did you own a lovely,Copy !req
349. plump, speckily pigeonCopy !req
350. called Speckled Jim,Copy !req
351. which you hand-reared from a chickCopy !req
352. and which was your
only childhood friend?Copy !req
353. Yes!Copy !req
354. Yes, I did.Copy !req
355. And did Captain Blackadder
shoot the aforementioned pigeon?Copy !req
356. Yes, he did!Copy !req
357. Can you see Captain BlackadderCopy !req
358. anywhere in this courtroom?!Copy !req
359. That's him!!!Copy !req
360. That's the man!! Ahhhh!!!Copy !req
361. No more questions, sir.Copy !req
362. Splendid, excellent, first-class.Copy !req
363. Clear the way, man.Copy !req
364. I therefore have absolutely no hesitationCopy !req
365. in announcing that
the sentence of this court is that you,Copy !req
366. Captain Edmund Blackadder,Copy !req
367. be taken from this place and suffer deathCopy !req
368. by shooting tomorrow at dawn.Copy !req
369. Do you have anything to say?Copy !req
370. Yes, could I have an alarm call, please?Copy !req
371. Chap here to see the captain.Copy !req
372. What does he look like?Copy !req
373. Short, ugly...Copy !req
374. Hello, Baldrick.Copy !req
375. I brought you some food, sir,Copy !req
376. for your final breakfast tomorrow.Copy !req
377. Ah, so you're not pinning much hope
on a last-minute reprieve, then.Copy !req
378. No sir, you are as dead
as some doo-doos.Copy !req
379. The expression, Baldrick, is "as a dodo"...Copy !req
380. Dead as a dodo.Copy !req
381. Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I?Copy !req
382. Do not despair, sir.Copy !req
383. All my talk of food was just a dead herring.Copy !req
384. In fact, I have a cunning plan.Copy !req
385. This is not food, but an escape kit.Copy !req
386. Good Lord!Copy !req
387. With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun,Copy !req
388. a change of clothes, a Swiss passport,Copy !req
389. and a huge false moustache,
I may just stand a chance.Copy !req
390. Ah.Copy !req
391. Let's see, what have we here?Copy !req
392. A small painted wooden duck.Copy !req
393. Yeah, I thought if you
get caught near water,Copy !req
394. you can balance it
on the top of your headCopy !req
395. as a brilliant disguise.Copy !req
396. Yeeeesss.Copy !req
397. I would, of course, have to escape first.Copy !req
398. Ah, but what's this?Copy !req
399. Unless I'm much mistaken,
a hammer and a chisel.Copy !req
400. You are much mistaken!Copy !req
401. A pencil and a miniature trumpet.Copy !req
402. Yes, a pencil so you can drop me a postcardCopy !req
403. to tell me how the break-out went,Copy !req
404. and a small little tiny miniature trumpetCopy !req
405. in case, during your escape,Copy !req
406. you have to win favour with a difficult child.Copy !req
407. Baldrick, I don't want
to spend my last precious hoursCopy !req
408. rummaging through this feeble collection
of stocking-fillers.Copy !req
409. Let me ask you some simple questions:Copy !req
410. Is there a saw in this bag?
- No.Copy !req
411. - A hammer?
- No.Copy !req
412. - A chisel?
- No.Copy !req
413. - A gun?
- No.Copy !req
414. A false passport?Copy !req
415. No.Copy !req
416. A change of clothes?Copy !req
417. Yes sir, of course, I wouldn't
forget a change of clothes.Copy !req
418. Ah, well, that's something.
Let's see...Copy !req
419. A Robin Hood costume.Copy !req
420. Yeah, I put in a
French peasant's outfit first,Copy !req
421. But then I thought,
what if you arrive inCopy !req
422. in a French peasant's villageCopy !req
423. and they're in the middle
of a fancy dress party? 'Copy !req
424. And what if I arrive in
a French peasant village,Copy !req
425. dressed in a Robin Hood costumeCopy !req
426. and there "isn't" a fancy dress party?Copy !req
427. Well, to be quite frank sir,Copy !req
428. I didn't consider that eventuality,Copy !req
429. because if you did,
you'd stick out like a...Copy !req
430. Like a man standing in a lakeCopy !req
431. with a small painted wooden
duck on his head?Copy !req
432. Exactly!Copy !req
433. Excuse me, sir.Copy !req
434. All right, um, thank you, Baldrick,Copy !req
435. we'll finish this picnic later.Copy !req
436. Yum yum!Copy !req
437. Do you mind if I disturb you
for a moment, sir?Copy !req
438. No, no, not at all.Copy !req
439. My diary's pretty empty this week.Copy !req
440. Let's see, Thursday morning, get shot...Copy !req
441. Yes, that's about it, actually.Copy !req
442. It's just there's a few chaps out hereCopy !req
443. would like a bit of a chinwag.Copy !req
444. Oh, lovely. Always keen to meet new people.Copy !req
445. Corporal Jones,Copy !req
446. and Privates Frazier,
Robinson, and Tipperwick.Copy !req
447. Hello.Copy !req
448. Well, nice of you to drop by.Copy !req
449. And what do you do?Copy !req
450. We're your firing squad, sir.Copy !req
451. Of course you are.Copy !req
452. - Good sized chest.
- Shut up, lad.Copy !req
453. You see, us firing squads
are a bit like tax men, sir,Copy !req
454. everyone hates us,Copy !req
455. but we're just doin'
our job, ain't we, lads?Copy !req
456. My heart bleeds for you.Copy !req
457. Well, sir, we aim to please.Copy !req
458. Just a little firing squad joke there, sir!Copy !req
459. You see, sir,Copy !req
460. we take pride in the terminatory
service we supply.Copy !req
461. So, is there any particular area
you'd like us to go for, hmm?Copy !req
462. We can aim anywhere.Copy !req
463. Well, in that case,Copy !req
464. just above my head might be a good spot.Copy !req
465. You see, a laugh and a smile,Copy !req
466. and all of a sudden the job doesn't seemCopy !req
467. quite so bad after all, does it, sir?Copy !req
468. No, it's a lovely roomy forehead.Copy !req
469. A good pulse and jugular there as well.Copy !req
470. Look, I'm sorry,
I know you mean to be friendly,Copy !req
471. but I hope you won't
take it amiss if I ask you to sod off and die.Copy !req
472. No, no, no, no, no, no, fair enough,Copy !req
473. 'course not, sir.Copy !req
474. No one likes being shot first thing
in the morning, do they?Copy !req
475. So, look forward
to seeing you tomorrow, sir.Copy !req
476. You'll have a blindfold on of course,Copy !req
477. but you'll recognize me.Copy !req
478. I'm the one that says, "Ready, aim, fire! "Copy !req
479. Could I ask you to leave a pauseCopy !req
480. between the word "aim" and the word "fire"?Copy !req
481. Thirty or forty years, perhaps?Copy !req
482. Ah, wish I could pause, sir,
I really wish I could,Copy !req
483. but I can't, you see,
'cos I'm a gabbler, you see.Copy !req
484. Ready-aim-fire!Copy !req
485. No style, no finesse...Copy !req
486. But it gets the job done, don't it, lads?
Come on, lads.Copy !req
487. Whoever gets closest to the mole
gets to keep his gold teeth.Copy !req
488. - Good night, sir.
- Sleep well, sir.Copy !req
489. Perfect!Copy !req
490. I wonder if anything on earth
could depress me more?Copy !req
491. Excuse me, sir?Copy !req
492. Of course it could.Copy !req
493. I forgot to give you this letter
from Lieutenant George, sir.Copy !req
494. Ahh! Oh, joy!Copy !req
495. What wise words from the world's
greatest defence counsel?Copy !req
496. Dear Mother...Copy !req
497. Hmm, unusual start.Copy !req
498. Thanks for the case of Scotch.Copy !req
499. You've excelled yourself, Baldrick.Copy !req
500. You've brought the wrong letter again.Copy !req
501. Ohh yeah, he did write two.Copy !req
502. Yes, his mother's about to get a noteCopy !req
503. telling her he's sorry
she's going to be shot in the morning,Copy !req
504. while I have to read this drivel.Copy !req
505. Hope Celia thrives
in the pony club trials,Copy !req
506. and that "little Freddy scores a century
for the first eleven".Copy !req
507. You can't deny, it's a riveting read.Copy !req
508. Uhhh, "Send my love to Uncle Rupert,Copy !req
509. who'd have thought it,
mad Uncle Rupert, Minister of WarCopy !req
510. with power of life and death
over every bally soldier in the army.Copy !req
511. Hang on a minute... This is it!Copy !req
512. All George has to do
is send him a telegramCopy !req
513. and he'll get me off.Copy !req
514. Baldrick, I love you!Copy !req
515. I want to kiss your cherry lipsCopy !req
516. and nibble your shell-like ears!Copy !req
517. I'm freeeee!Copy !req
518. I'm useless, useless!Copy !req
519. Sir, sir!Copy !req
520. Hello Private, how's the captain?Copy !req
521. He's absolutely fine, sir, but...Copy !req
522. You're just trying to cheer me up.
I know the truth.Copy !req
523. He hates me because I completely
arsed up his defence.Copy !req
524. Yes, I know, sir...Copy !req
525. Because I'm thick, you see.Copy !req
526. I'm as thick as the big-print versionCopy !req
527. of the complete works of Charles Dickens.Copy !req
528. If only I could've saved him. If only!Copy !req
529. But you can, sir.Copy !req
530. What, how?Copy !req
531. You send a telegram.Copy !req
532. Of course! I send a telegram!Copy !req
533. Yeah!Copy !req
534. - Who to?
- To the person in the letter.Copy !req
535. - What letter?
- To your mother.Copy !req
536. I send a telegram to my mother?!Copy !req
537. - No!
- No!Copy !req
538. You send a telegram to
the person in the letter to your mother.Copy !req
539. Who was in the letter to my mother?Copy !req
540. I can't remember!Copy !req
541. - Well, think, think!
- No, "you" think think!Copy !req
542. Celia, of course!
The pony club trials... yes!Copy !req
543. Celia could leap over the walls
of the prison and save him!Copy !req
544. No, no!Copy !req
545. No, no, um... cricket!Copy !req
546. Yes, I've got
Cousin Freddie, of course.Copy !req
547. He could knock out
the firing squad with his cricket bat!Copy !req
548. No, there's someone else!Copy !req
549. - Well, who?!
- I don't know!Copy !req
550. - Well, neither do I!
- Well, think, think!Copy !req
551. - "You think," sir!
- I'm stuck!Copy !req
552. - No, it hasn't helped.
- Yes it has, sir.Copy !req
553. Your Uncle Rupert who's
just been made Minister of War.Copy !req
554. Of course!Copy !req
555. Uncle Rupert's just been made
the Minister of War!Copy !req
556. Baldrick, I'll, I'll send him a telegramCopy !req
557. and he'll pull strings and scratch backsCopy !req
558. and fiddle with knobs,
and get the captain off!Copy !req
559. Hurray!Copy !req
560. Well, I got there in the end, eh Baldrick?Copy !req
561. Oh, just about, sir.Copy !req
562. I think this calls for a celebration, don't you?Copy !req
563. What about a tot of
Old Morehen's Shredded Sporum,Copy !req
564. which Mummsy's just sent over?Copy !req
565. I think a toast, don't you,Copy !req
566. to Captain Blackadder and freedom!Copy !req
567. Captain Blackadder and freedom, sir.Copy !req
568. - 'Morning.
- 'Morning, sir.Copy !req
569. I must say, Captain,
I've got to admire your balls.Copy !req
570. Perhaps later.Copy !req
571. So boys, how are you doing?Copy !req
572. Very well, good.Copy !req
573. - Robinson, good to see you.
- Good to see you, too, sir.Copy !req
574. Ah, Corporal, how's the voice?Copy !req
575. Excellent, sir.Copy !req
576. Ready-aim-fire!Copy !req
577. Wait for it, "wait" for it.Copy !req
578. So the phone's on the hook,
isn't it, Perkins?Copy !req
579. Oh yes, sir.Copy !req
580. So, where do you want me?Copy !req
581. Well, up against the wall is traditional, sir.Copy !req
582. Of course it is.Copy !req
583. Ah, this side or the other side?Copy !req
584. No messengers waiting, Perkins?Copy !req
585. Oh, I'm afraid not, sir.Copy !req
586. Fair enough, fair enough.Copy !req
587. All right, lads, line up.Copy !req
588. Yes, ahh...Copy !req
589. Now, look, I think there's a bit
of a misunderstanding,Copy !req
590. you see, I was expecting a telegram.Copy !req
591. Attention!Copy !req
592. An important one, actually.Copy !req
593. Take aim!Copy !req
594. Stop!Copy !req
595. I think that's what they call
'The nick of time'.Copy !req
596. Message for you, Captain.Copy !req
597. Of course it is. Read it, please.Copy !req
598. Here's looking at you.Copy !req
599. Love from all the boys in the firing squad.Copy !req
600. You soft bastards, you!Copy !req
601. I saw the card, I couldn't resist it.Copy !req
602. How thoughtful!Copy !req
603. Attention!Copy !req
604. Now, look, something has gone
spectacularly, badly wrong.Copy !req
605. Take aim!Copy !req
606. Baldrick, you're mincemeat!Copy !req
607. Corporal: f...Copy !req
608. Oh, my head!Copy !req
609. Oh, my head!Copy !req
610. Feels like the time I was initiated
into the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge.Copy !req
611. I misheard the rulesCopy !req
612. and pushed a whole oberjing
into my earhole.Copy !req
613. Permission to die, sir.Copy !req
614. Bu-bu-bu-what started this drinking?Copy !req
615. Oh, yes, well, we were celebratingCopy !req
616. getting Captain Blackadder off
scot-f-f-f-free.Copy !req
617. Oh, my sainted trousers, we forgot!Copy !req
618. Oh, whoops.Copy !req
619. Oh, no!Copy !req
620. Now he's dead, you see.
He's dead dead dead,Copy !req
621. because we're a pair of
selfish so-and-so's!Copy !req
622. Oh, God, if I had a rope,Copy !req
623. I'd put it around my neck
and bally-well hang myselfCopy !req
624. until it "really" hurt.Copy !req
625. Hi, George.
'Morning, Baldrick.Copy !req
626. Still the striking resemblance
to guppies fish at feeding time.Copy !req
627. Yep, it arrived in the nick of time.Copy !req
628. Oh, excellent!Copy !req
629. Ah, so you've got the Scotch out, anyway?Copy !req
630. Oh, well, well, of course, sir,Copy !req
631. We wanted to lay on a bit of a bash for
your safe return.Copy !req
632. Ah... here you go.Copy !req
633. There was a second telegram
that arrived actually, George,Copy !req
634. addressed to you personally
by your uncle.Copy !req
635. Oh, thank you, I...Copy !req
636. George, my boy,Copy !req
637. outraged to read in dispatchesCopy !req
638. of how that ass Melchett
made such a pigs-earCopy !req
639. of your chum Blackadder's court-martial.Copy !req
640. Have reversed the decision forthwith.Copy !req
641. Surprised you didn't ask me
to do it yourself, actually.Copy !req
642. Now this is interesting, isn't it?Copy !req
643. Uh, uh, yes, well,
you see, sir, the thing is...Copy !req
644. You two got whammed
last night, didn't you?Copy !req
645. Well, well, no, not "whammed" exactly.Copy !req
646. A little tiddly, perhaps.Copy !req
647. And you forgot the telegram to your uncle!Copy !req
648. Well, n-n-n-no,Copy !req
649. not, not, completely,
I mean, um, partially...Copy !req
650. Umm... well... Yes, yes, entirely.Copy !req
651. I think I can explain, sir.Copy !req
652. Can you, Baldrick?Copy !req
653. No.Copy !req
654. As I suspected.Copy !req
655. Now, I'm not a religious man, as you know,Copy !req
656. but henceforth, I shall nightly pray to the GodCopy !req
657. that killed Cain and squashed Samson,Copy !req
658. that he comes out of retirementCopy !req
659. and gets back into practice
on the pair of you!Copy !req
660. Captain Blackadder.Copy !req
661. Ah, Captain Darling.Copy !req
662. Well, you know, some of us just
have friends in high places,Copy !req
663. I suppose.Copy !req
664. Yes, I can hear you perfectly.Copy !req
665. You want what?Copy !req
666. You want two volunteers for a mission into
No Man's Land...Copy !req
667. Code name:
Operation Certain Death.Copy !req
668. Yes, yes, I think I have just the fellows.Copy !req
669. God is very quick these days.Copy !req