1. You'd like to book a table
for three by the window
Copy !req
2. for 9:30 pm,
Copy !req
3. not too near the band,
Copy !req
4. in the name of Obel-Ointment Fungentula?
Copy !req
5. Yes, yes, I think you
might have the wrong number.
Copy !req
6. That's all right.
Copy !req
7. Another crossed line, eh, sir?
Copy !req
8. That phone system is a shambles,
Copy !req
9. no wonder we haven't had any orders!
Copy !req
10. On the contrary, George,
we've had plenty of orders.
Copy !req
11. We have orders for six meters
Copy !req
12. of Hungarian crushed velvet
curtain material,
Copy !req
13. four rock salmon and a ha'pence of chips,
Copy !req
14. and a cab for a Mr. Redgrave,
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15. picking up from 14 Arnost Grove,
Raintop Bell.
Copy !req
16. Rather! We don't want those sort of orders,
Copy !req
17. we want orders to deck old glory.
Copy !req
18. When are we going to give Fritz
a taste of our British spunk?
Copy !req
19. George, please.
Copy !req
20. No one is more anxious
to advance than I am,
Copy !req
21. but until I get these
communication problems sorted out,
Copy !req
22. I'm afraid we're stuck.
Copy !req
23. Captain Blackadder speaking.
Copy !req
24. No, I'm afraid the line's very cclllffffhhtttt!
Copy !req
25. Hello?
Hello, Captain Blackadder, hello?
Copy !req
26. Schnell, schnell, die koppeltop
Copy !req
27. I said there's a terrible line at my end.
Copy !req
28. You're to advance on the enemy at once.
Copy !req
29. Ppttttt...
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30. # A wandering minstrel eye in the... #
Copy !req
31. Gale Force Eight... imminent.
Copy !req
32. I say, sir, what's the message?
Copy !req
33. I'm on tenterhooks, do tell!
Copy !req
34. Well, as far as I can tell,
the message was,
Copy !req
35. he's got a terrible lion up his end,
Copy !req
36. so there's an advantage
to an enema at once.
Copy !req
37. Damn!
Copy !req
38. Message from HQ, sir.
Copy !req
39. Ah, now, this'll be it.
Copy !req
40. A telegram ordering an advance!
Copy !req
41. Hmm, yes, I'm afraid not, George.
Copy !req
42. It "is" a telegram,
it "is" ordering an advance,
Copy !req
43. but it seems to be addressed to someone
called 'Catpain Blackudder'.
Copy !req
44. Do you know
a Catpain Blackudder, George?
Copy !req
45. Well, it rings a bell, but I... no.
Copy !req
46. - Nope, me neither.
- Oh, well.
Copy !req
47. Anyway, George, I'm sure
if they want to contact us, they'll find a way.
Copy !req
48. Pigeons, sir!
There's a pigeon in our trench!
Copy !req
49. Ah, now, this'll be it!
Copy !req
50. Yes, it's one of the King's carrier pigeons.
Copy !req
51. No, it isn't, that pigeon
couldn't carry the King!
Copy !req
52. Hasn't got a tray or anything.
Copy !req
53. Lieutenant, revolver, please.
Copy !req
54. Oh now, sir, you really
shouldn't do this, you know!
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55. Come on, George,
with 50,000 men getting killed a week,
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56. who's going to miss a pigeon?
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57. Well, not you, obviously, sir.
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58. In any case, it's scarcely
a court-martial offence.
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59. Get plucking, Baldrick.
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60. All right, sir.
Copy !req
61. Look, it's got a little ring 'round its leg,
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62. there's a novelty!
Copy !req
63. Oh, really, is there a paper hat, as well?
Copy !req
64. No, but there's a joke.
Read it out, sir.
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65. It's a bit charred.
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66. Something-something at once...
Copy !req
67. P.S., due to communication crisis,
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68. the shooting of carrier pigeons
is now a court-martial offence.
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69. I don't see what's funny about that, sir.
Copy !req
70. It's not funny, it's deadly serious.
We're in trouble.
Copy !req
71. So I shall eat the evidence for lunch,
Copy !req
72. and if anyone asks you any questions at all,
Copy !req
73. we didn't receive any messages
Copy !req
74. and we definitely did not
shoot this plump-breasted pigeon.
Copy !req
75. Umm... delicious.
Copy !req
76. Aye! Blackadder!
Copy !req
77. Darling: Attention!
Copy !req
78. And why, Captain, are you not advancing
Copy !req
79. across No Man's Land?
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80. Well, sir, call me
a bluffo traditionalist,
Copy !req
81. but I was always taught to wait
Copy !req
82. for the order to attack before attacking.
Copy !req
83. Are you trying to tell me you
haven't received any orders?
Copy !req
84. What the hell are you
playing at, Darling?
Copy !req
85. That's a blatant lie, sir.
Copy !req
86. I spoke to Blackadder
less than an hour ago.
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87. Yes, you did.
Copy !req
88. To tell me some gobbledygook
about having a lion up your bottom.
Copy !req
89. Hmm, as I thought... it's the old
communications problem again.
Copy !req
90. Stand easy.
Copy !req
91. Action on this is imperative.
Take that down, Darling.
Copy !req
92. Also, make a note
of the word gobbledygook.
Copy !req
93. I like it.
Copy !req
94. I want to use it more often in conversation.
Copy !req
95. I must say, sir,
I find this all very unlikely.
Copy !req
96. Not only did I telephone Blackadder,
Copy !req
97. but as you'll recall, we sent him a telegram
and a carrier pigeon.
Copy !req
98. Did you?
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99. Are you telling us you haven't
had a pigeon, Blackadder?
Copy !req
100. Um... Ahh...
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101. Come on man, you must have done!
Copy !req
102. I sent our top bird... Speckled Jim.
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103. My own true love, who's been with me
since I was a nipper!
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104. To business. I'm giving you
your order to advance now.
Copy !req
105. Synchronize watches, gentlemen.
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106. Private, what is the time?
Copy !req
107. We didn't receive any messages,
Copy !req
108. and Captain Blackadder definitely did not
Copy !req
109. shoot this delicious
plump-breasted pigeon, sir.
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110. What!??
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111. You want to be cremated,
Baldrick, or buried at sea?
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112. Umm...
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113. - Ah, Lieutenant?
- Sir.
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114. Do you mind answering
a couple of questions?
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115. Not at all, sir.
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116. We didn't get any messages,
Copy !req
117. and Captain Blackadder
definitely did not shoot
Copy !req
118. this delicious plump-breasted pigeon.
Copy !req
119. Thanks, George.
Copy !req
120. And look, sir, pigeon feathers...
"white" feathers.
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121. Very apt, eh, Blackadder?
Copy !req
122. White feathers?
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123. Oh no, sir, that's gobbleyjook!
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124. They're not white,
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125. they're sort of speckly!
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126. Speckly?!
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127. Aahhhhhhhh!
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128. You shot my Speckled Jim??!!
Copy !req
129. You're for it now, Blackadder.
Copy !req
130. Quite frankly, sir, I've suspected this
for some time.
Copy !req
131. Quite clearly, Captain Blackadder
has been disobeying orders
Copy !req
132. with a breathtaking impertinence.
Copy !req
133. I don't care if he's been
rogering the Duke of York
Copy !req
134. with a prize-winning leek!
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135. He shot my pigeon!!!
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136. Aaahh-ahhhh-ooohhhh!
Copy !req
137. Take it easy, sir.
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138. I think we should do this
by the book, sir.
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139. Yes, yes, you're right, of course.
I'm sorry.
Copy !req
140. Attention!
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141. Captain Blackadder, as of this moment
Copy !req
142. you may consider yourself under arrest.
Copy !req
143. You know what the penalty is for
disobeying orders, Blackadder?
Copy !req
144. Umm... court-martial,
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145. followed by immediate cessation
of chocolate rations?
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146. No.
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147. Court-martial followed by immediate death
by firing squad.
Copy !req
148. Oh, so I got it half right.
Copy !req
149. All saddled in and happy,
are we then, sir?
Copy !req
150. Reining all our last goodbyes?
Copy !req
151. Oh, no need for that, Perkins,
Copy !req
152. I've just dashed off a couple of notes,
Copy !req
153. one asking for a sponge bag,
and the other sending for my lawyer.
Copy !req
154. Oh, your lawyer, yes.
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155. Don't you think that might be
a bit of a waste of money, sir?
Copy !req
156. Not when he's the finest mind
in English legal history.
Copy !req
157. Ever heard of Bob Massingbird?
Copy !req
158. Oh, yes indeed, sir!
A most gifted gentleman!
Copy !req
159. Quite. I remember Massingbird's
most famous case,
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160. the Case of the Bloody Knife.
Copy !req
161. A man was found next to a murdered body,
Copy !req
162. he had the knife in his hand,
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163. thirteen witnesses had
seen him stab the victim,
Copy !req
164. and when the police arrived he said,
Copy !req
165. "I'm glad I killed the bastard."
Copy !req
166. Massingbird not only got him off,
Copy !req
167. he got him knighted
in the New Year's honours list,
Copy !req
168. and the relatives of the victim
Copy !req
169. had to pay to have the blood
washed out of his jacket.
Copy !req
170. And he's a dab hand
at the prosecution, as well, sir.
Copy !req
171. Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.
Copy !req
172. Oh, butch Oscar.
Copy !req
173. Exactly... big, bearded,
bonking, butch Oscar,
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174. the terror of the ladies.
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175. 114 illegitimate children,
world heavyweight boxing champion,
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176. and author of the best-selling pamphlet,
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177. Why I Like To Do It With Girls...
Copy !req
178. and Massingbird had him sent down
for being a whoopsie.
Copy !req
179. Ah, Baldrick.
Copy !req
180. - Anything from Mattingburg yet?
- Yes, sir.
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181. It just arrived, sir.
Copy !req
182. - What is it?
- Sponge bag, sir.
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183. - A sponge bag?
- Yes, sir.
Copy !req
184. Baldrick, I gave you two notes.
Copy !req
185. You sent the note asking for a sponge bag
Copy !req
186. to the finest mind in English legal history.
Copy !req
187. Certainly did, sir!
Copy !req
188. And you sent the note requesting
legal representation to... ?
Copy !req
189. Well, tally-ho, with a bing and a bong
and a buzz-buzz-buzz!
Copy !req
190. Oh, God
Copy !req
191. I'll tell you first of all, sir,
Copy !req
192. that I am deeply, deeply honoured.
Copy !req
193. Baldrick, I'll deal with you later.
Copy !req
194. Am I to understand that
you are going to represent me
Copy !req
195. at the court-martial?
Copy !req
196. Absolutely, sir.
It's a sort of family tradition.
Copy !req
197. My uncle's a lawyer, you know.
Copy !req
198. Your uncle's a lawyer, but you're not.
Copy !req
199. Oh, good Lord, no.
Copy !req
200. I'm an absolute duffer at this sort of thing.
Copy !req
201. In the school debating society,
Copy !req
202. I was voted the boy least likely
Copy !req
203. to complete a coherent... um...
Copy !req
204. Sentence?
Copy !req
205. That's it, yes.
Copy !req
206. But anyway, my dear old friend,
Copy !req
207. it's an honor to serve.
Copy !req
208. George, I'm in deep trouble here.
Copy !req
209. I need to construct a case
Copy !req
210. that's as watertight as
a mermaid's brassiere.
Copy !req
211. I'm not sure your particular
brand of mindless optimism
Copy !req
212. is going to contribute much
to the proceedings.
Copy !req
213. That's a shame, sir, because I was planning
Copy !req
214. on playing the mindless optimism card
very strongly during your trial.
Copy !req
215. I beg your pardon?
Copy !req
216. Yes, I've already
Copy !req
217. planned my closing address
based on that very theme.
Copy !req
218. Oh, go on, let him off,
your Honour, please!
Copy !req
219. After all, it's a lovely day.
Copy !req
220. Pretty clouds, trees, birds, et cetera.
Copy !req
221. I rest my case.
Copy !req
222. So, Counsel, with that
summing up in mind,
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223. what do you think my chances are?
Copy !req
224. Well, not all that good, I'm afraid,
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225. as far as I can tell, you're as guilty
as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.
Copy !req
226. Charming.
Copy !req
227. Crikey! So sorry I'm late, my love.
Copy !req
228. But anyway, let me
open my defence straightaway
Copy !req
229. by saying that I've
known this man for three years,
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230. he's an absolutely corking chap...
Copy !req
231. - George?
- Yes, sir?
Copy !req
232. - That's the clerk of the court.
- Is it? Oh!
Copy !req
233. We haven't started yet.
Copy !req
234. - Good luck, Blackadder.
- Well, thank you, Darling.
Copy !req
235. And what's your big job here today?
Copy !req
236. Straightening chairs?
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237. No, in fact I'm appearing for the prosecution.
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238. I wouldn't raise your hopes too much.
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239. You're guilty as hell,
you haven't got a chance.
Copy !req
240. Why, thank you, Darling.
Copy !req
241. And I hope your mother dies
in a freak yachting accident.
Copy !req
242. Just doing my job, Blackadder.
Copy !req
243. Obeying orders, and, of course,
having enormous fun into the bargain.
Copy !req
244. I wouldn't be too confident if I were you.
Copy !req
245. Any reasonably impartial judge
is bound to let me off.
Copy !req
246. Well, absolutely.
Copy !req
247. Who is the judge, by the way?
Copy !req
248. Bailiff!
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249. I'm dead.
Copy !req
250. Well, come on, then. Come on.
Copy !req
251. We'll get this over in five minutes,
Copy !req
252. and then we can have a spot of lunch.
Copy !req
253. Right... oohh... ahhh.
Copy !req
254. The court is now in session,
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255. General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmenay
Melchett in the chair.
Copy !req
256. The case before us Is that of the Crown
vs. Captain Edmund Blackadder...
Copy !req
257. the Flanders pigeon murderer!
Copy !req
258. Oh, clerk, hand me the black cap,
I'll be needing that.
Copy !req
259. I love a fair trial.
Copy !req
260. Anything to say before
we kick off, Captain Darling?
Copy !req
261. May it please the court.
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262. As this is clearly an open and shut case,
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263. I beg leave to bring a private prosecution
against the defence counsel
Copy !req
264. for wasting the court's time.
Copy !req
265. Granted. The defence counsel is fined
fifty pounds for turning up.
Copy !req
266. This is fun! This is just like a real court!
Copy !req
267. All right! Let the trial begin!
Copy !req
268. The charge before us
Copy !req
269. is that the Flanders pigeon murderer...
did deliberately,
Copy !req
270. callously, and with beastliness
of forethought
Copy !req
271. murder a lovely, innocent pigeon!
Copy !req
272. And disobeyed some orders as well.
Copy !req
273. Is this true?
Copy !req
274. Perfectly true, sir!
I was there.
Copy !req
275. Thanks, George.
Copy !req
276. Oh, damn!
Copy !req
277. Right. Counsel for the defence,
get on with it.
Copy !req
278. Oh, right, yes, right.
Copy !req
279. Um, yes. I'd like to call my first witness,
Copy !req
280. Captain Darling.
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281. You wish to call the counsel
for the prosecution
Copy !req
282. as a defence witness?
Copy !req
283. That's right.
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284. Don't worry, sir, I've got it all under control.
Copy !req
285. Ahem. You are Captain Darling
of the general staff?
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286. I am.
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287. Captain, leaving aside
the incident in question,
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288. would you think of Captain Blackadder
as the sort of man
Copy !req
289. who would usually ignore orders?
Copy !req
290. Yes, I would.
Copy !req
291. Ah, um. You sure?
Copy !req
292. I was rather banking on
you saying "no" there.
Copy !req
293. I'm sure.
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294. In fact, I have a list of
other orders he's disobeyed,
Copy !req
295. if it would be useful.
Copy !req
296. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
297. May 16th, 9:15 am,
10:23 am, 10:24 am,
Copy !req
298. 11:17 am...
Copy !req
299. You missed one out there.
Copy !req
300. ...10:30 am... thank you... 11:46 am...
Copy !req
301. - George!
- Oh, oh, ye-ye... right.
Copy !req
302. Thank you, Captain.
Copy !req
303. No further questions.
Copy !req
304. Well done, George.
Copy !req
305. You really had him on the ropes.
Copy !req
306. Don't worry, old man.
Copy !req
307. I have a last and, I think
you'll find, decisive witness.
Copy !req
308. Call Private Baldrick.
Copy !req
309. Call Private Baldrick.
Copy !req
310. Deny everything, Baldrick.
Copy !req
311. Are you Private Baldrick?
Copy !req
312. No!
Copy !req
313. Um, but you are
Captain Blackadder's batman?
Copy !req
314. No!
Copy !req
315. Come on, Baldrick.,
be a bit more helpful, it's me!
Copy !req
316. No, it isn't!
Copy !req
317. Sir, I must protest!
Copy !req
318. Quite right!
Copy !req
319. We don't need your kind here, Private.
Get out.
Copy !req
320. Now, George, sum up, please.
Copy !req
321. Oh, right, yes, uhhhh...
Copy !req
322. Ah, gentlemen,
Copy !req
323. you have heard all the evidence
presented before you today,
Copy !req
324. but in the end, it is up to the conscience
Copy !req
325. of your hearts to decide.
Copy !req
326. And I firmly believe, that, like me,
Copy !req
327. you will conclude that Captain Blackadder
Copy !req
328. is in fact, totally and utterly... guilty.
Copy !req
329. ...of nothing more...
Copy !req
330. ...than trying to do his duty
under difficult circumstances.
Copy !req
331. Nonsense! He's a hound and a rutter,
and he's going to be shot!
Copy !req
332. However, before we proceed
Copy !req
333. to the formality of sentencing
the deceased...
Copy !req
334. I mean the defendant...
Copy !req
335. I think we'd all rather enjoy
hearing the case of the prosecution.
Copy !req
336. Captain Darling, if you please.
Copy !req
337. Sir, my case is very simple.
Copy !req
338. I call my first witness,
Copy !req
339. General Sir Anthony
Cecil Hogmaney Melchett.
Copy !req
340. Ah! Umm!
Copy !req
341. Clever. Clever!
Copy !req
342. General, did you own a lovely,
Copy !req
343. plump, speckily pigeon
Copy !req
344. called Speckled Jim,
Copy !req
345. which you hand-reared from a chick
Copy !req
346. and which was your
only childhood friend?
Copy !req
347. Yes!
Copy !req
348. Yes, I did.
Copy !req
349. And did Captain Blackadder
shoot the aforementioned pigeon?
Copy !req
350. Yes, he did!
Copy !req
351. Can you see Captain Blackadder
Copy !req
352. anywhere in this courtroom?!
Copy !req
353. That's him!!!
Copy !req
354. That's the man!! Ahhhh!!!
Copy !req
355. No more questions, sir.
Copy !req
356. Splendid, excellent, first-class.
Copy !req
357. Clear the way, man.
Copy !req
358. I therefore have absolutely no hesitation
Copy !req
359. in announcing that
the sentence of this court is that you,
Copy !req
360. Captain Edmund Blackadder,
Copy !req
361. be taken from this place and suffer death
Copy !req
362. by shooting tomorrow at dawn.
Copy !req
363. Do you have anything to say?
Copy !req
364. Yes, could I have an alarm call, please?
Copy !req
365. Chap here to see the captain.
Copy !req
366. What does he look like?
Copy !req
367. Short, ugly...
Copy !req
368. Hello, Baldrick.
Copy !req
369. I brought you some food, sir,
Copy !req
370. for your final breakfast tomorrow.
Copy !req
371. Ah, so you're not pinning much hope
on a last-minute reprieve, then.
Copy !req
372. No sir, you are as dead
as some doo-doos.
Copy !req
373. The expression, Baldrick, is "as a dodo"...
Copy !req
374. Dead as a dodo.
Copy !req
375. Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I?
Copy !req
376. Do not despair, sir.
Copy !req
377. All my talk of food was just a dead herring.
Copy !req
378. In fact, I have a cunning plan.
Copy !req
379. This is not food, but an escape kit.
Copy !req
380. Good Lord!
Copy !req
381. With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun,
Copy !req
382. a change of clothes, a Swiss passport,
Copy !req
383. and a huge false moustache,
I may just stand a chance.
Copy !req
384. Ah.
Copy !req
385. Let's see, what have we here?
Copy !req
386. A small painted wooden duck.
Copy !req
387. Yeah, I thought if you
get caught near water,
Copy !req
388. you can balance it
on the top of your head
Copy !req
389. as a brilliant disguise.
Copy !req
390. Yeeeesss.
Copy !req
391. I would, of course, have to escape first.
Copy !req
392. Ah, but what's this?
Copy !req
393. Unless I'm much mistaken,
a hammer and a chisel.
Copy !req
394. You are much mistaken!
Copy !req
395. A pencil and a miniature trumpet.
Copy !req
396. Yes, a pencil so you can drop me a postcard
Copy !req
397. to tell me how the break-out went,
Copy !req
398. and a small little tiny miniature trumpet
Copy !req
399. in case, during your escape,
Copy !req
400. you have to win favour with a difficult child.
Copy !req
401. Baldrick, I don't want
to spend my last precious hours
Copy !req
402. rummaging through this feeble collection
of stocking-fillers.
Copy !req
403. Let me ask you some simple questions:
Copy !req
404. Is there a saw in this bag?
- No.
Copy !req
405. - A hammer?
- No.
Copy !req
406. - A chisel?
- No.
Copy !req
407. - A gun?
- No.
Copy !req
408. A false passport?
Copy !req
409. No.
Copy !req
410. A change of clothes?
Copy !req
411. Yes sir, of course, I wouldn't
forget a change of clothes.
Copy !req
412. Ah, well, that's something.
Let's see...
Copy !req
413. A Robin Hood costume.
Copy !req
414. Yeah, I put in a
French peasant's outfit first,
Copy !req
415. But then I thought,
what if you arrive in
Copy !req
416. in a French peasant's village
Copy !req
417. and they're in the middle
of a fancy dress party? '
Copy !req
418. And what if I arrive in
a French peasant village,
Copy !req
419. dressed in a Robin Hood costume
Copy !req
420. and there "isn't" a fancy dress party?
Copy !req
421. Well, to be quite frank sir,
Copy !req
422. I didn't consider that eventuality,
Copy !req
423. because if you did,
you'd stick out like a...
Copy !req
424. Like a man standing in a lake
Copy !req
425. with a small painted wooden
duck on his head?
Copy !req
426. Exactly!
Copy !req
427. Excuse me, sir.
Copy !req
428. All right, um, thank you, Baldrick,
Copy !req
429. we'll finish this picnic later.
Copy !req
430. Yum yum!
Copy !req
431. Do you mind if I disturb you
for a moment, sir?
Copy !req
432. No, no, not at all.
Copy !req
433. My diary's pretty empty this week.
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434. Let's see, Thursday morning, get shot...
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435. Yes, that's about it, actually.
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436. It's just there's a few chaps out here
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437. would like a bit of a chinwag.
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438. Oh, lovely. Always keen to meet new people.
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439. Corporal Jones,
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440. and Privates Frazier,
Robinson, and Tipperwick.
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441. Hello.
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442. Well, nice of you to drop by.
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443. And what do you do?
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444. We're your firing squad, sir.
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445. Of course you are.
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446. - Good sized chest.
- Shut up, lad.
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447. You see, us firing squads
are a bit like tax men, sir,
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448. everyone hates us,
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449. but we're just doin'
our job, ain't we, lads?
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450. My heart bleeds for you.
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451. Well, sir, we aim to please.
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452. Just a little firing squad joke there, sir!
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453. You see, sir,
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454. we take pride in the terminatory
service we supply.
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455. So, is there any particular area
you'd like us to go for, hmm?
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456. We can aim anywhere.
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457. Well, in that case,
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458. just above my head might be a good spot.
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459. You see, a laugh and a smile,
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460. and all of a sudden the job doesn't seem
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461. quite so bad after all, does it, sir?
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462. No, it's a lovely roomy forehead.
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463. A good pulse and jugular there as well.
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464. Look, I'm sorry,
I know you mean to be friendly,
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465. but I hope you won't
take it amiss if I ask you to sod off and die.
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466. No, no, no, no, no, no, fair enough,
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467. 'course not, sir.
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468. No one likes being shot first thing
in the morning, do they?
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469. So, look forward
to seeing you tomorrow, sir.
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470. You'll have a blindfold on of course,
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471. but you'll recognize me.
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472. I'm the one that says, "Ready, aim, fire! "
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473. Could I ask you to leave a pause
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474. between the word "aim" and the word "fire"?
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475. Thirty or forty years, perhaps?
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476. Ah, wish I could pause, sir,
I really wish I could,
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477. but I can't, you see,
'cos I'm a gabbler, you see.
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478. Ready-aim-fire!
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479. No style, no finesse...
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480. But it gets the job done, don't it, lads?
Come on, lads.
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481. Whoever gets closest to the mole
gets to keep his gold teeth.
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482. - Good night, sir.
- Sleep well, sir.
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483. Perfect!
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484. I wonder if anything on earth
could depress me more?
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485. Excuse me, sir?
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486. Of course it could.
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487. I forgot to give you this letter
from Lieutenant George, sir.
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488. Ahh! Oh, joy!
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489. What wise words from the world's
greatest defence counsel?
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490. Dear Mother...
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491. Hmm, unusual start.
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492. Thanks for the case of Scotch.
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493. You've excelled yourself, Baldrick.
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494. You've brought the wrong letter again.
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495. Ohh yeah, he did write two.
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496. Yes, his mother's about to get a note
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497. telling her he's sorry
she's going to be shot in the morning,
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498. while I have to read this drivel.
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499. Hope Celia thrives
in the pony club trials,
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500. and that "little Freddy scores a century
for the first eleven".
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501. You can't deny, it's a riveting read.
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502. Uhhh, "Send my love to Uncle Rupert,
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503. who'd have thought it,
mad Uncle Rupert, Minister of War
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504. with power of life and death
over every bally soldier in the army.
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505. Hang on a minute... This is it!
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506. All George has to do
is send him a telegram
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507. and he'll get me off.
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508. Baldrick, I love you!
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509. I want to kiss your cherry lips
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510. and nibble your shell-like ears!
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511. I'm freeeee!
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512. I'm useless, useless!
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513. Sir, sir!
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514. Hello Private, how's the captain?
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515. He's absolutely fine, sir, but...
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516. You're just trying to cheer me up.
I know the truth.
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517. He hates me because I completely
arsed up his defence.
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518. Yes, I know, sir...
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519. Because I'm thick, you see.
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520. I'm as thick as the big-print version
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521. of the complete works of Charles Dickens.
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522. If only I could've saved him. If only!
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523. But you can, sir.
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524. What, how?
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525. You send a telegram.
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526. Of course! I send a telegram!
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527. Yeah!
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528. - Who to?
- To the person in the letter.
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529. - What letter?
- To your mother.
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530. I send a telegram to my mother?!
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531. - No!
- No!
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532. You send a telegram to
the person in the letter to your mother.
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533. Who was in the letter to my mother?
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534. I can't remember!
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535. - Well, think, think!
- No, "you" think think!
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536. Celia, of course!
The pony club trials... yes!
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537. Celia could leap over the walls
of the prison and save him!
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538. No, no!
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539. No, no, um... cricket!
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540. Yes, I've got
Cousin Freddie, of course.
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541. He could knock out
the firing squad with his cricket bat!
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542. No, there's someone else!
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543. - Well, who?!
- I don't know!
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544. - Well, neither do I!
- Well, think, think!
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545. - "You think," sir!
- I'm stuck!
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546. - No, it hasn't helped.
- Yes it has, sir.
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547. Your Uncle Rupert who's
just been made Minister of War.
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548. Of course!
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549. Uncle Rupert's just been made
the Minister of War!
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550. Baldrick, I'll, I'll send him a telegram
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551. and he'll pull strings and scratch backs
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552. and fiddle with knobs,
and get the captain off!
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553. Hurray!
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554. Well, I got there in the end, eh Baldrick?
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555. Oh, just about, sir.
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556. I think this calls for a celebration, don't you?
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557. What about a tot of
Old Morehen's Shredded Sporum,
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558. which Mummsy's just sent over?
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559. I think a toast, don't you,
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560. to Captain Blackadder and freedom!
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561. Captain Blackadder and freedom, sir.
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562. - 'Morning.
- 'Morning, sir.
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563. I must say, Captain,
I've got to admire your balls.
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564. Perhaps later.
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565. So boys, how are you doing?
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566. Very well, good.
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567. - Robinson, good to see you.
- Good to see you, too, sir.
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568. Ah, Corporal, how's the voice?
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569. Excellent, sir.
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570. Ready-aim-fire!
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571. Wait for it, "wait" for it.
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572. So the phone's on the hook,
isn't it, Perkins?
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573. Oh yes, sir.
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574. So, where do you want me?
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575. Well, up against the wall is traditional, sir.
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576. Of course it is.
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577. Ah, this side or the other side?
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578. No messengers waiting, Perkins?
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579. Oh, I'm afraid not, sir.
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580. Fair enough, fair enough.
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581. All right, lads, line up.
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582. Yes, ahh...
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583. Now, look, I think there's a bit
of a misunderstanding,
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584. you see, I was expecting a telegram.
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585. Attention!
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586. An important one, actually.
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587. Take aim!
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588. Stop!
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589. I think that's what they call
'The nick of time'.
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590. Message for you, Captain.
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591. Of course it is. Read it, please.
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592. Here's looking at you.
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593. Love from all the boys in the firing squad.
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594. You soft bastards, you!
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595. I saw the card, I couldn't resist it.
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596. How thoughtful!
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597. Attention!
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598. Now, look, something has gone
spectacularly, badly wrong.
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599. Take aim!
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600. Baldrick, you're mincemeat!
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601. Corporal: f...
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602. Oh, my head!
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603. Oh, my head!
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604. Feels like the time I was initiated
into the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge.
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605. I misheard the rules
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606. and pushed a whole oberjing
into my earhole.
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607. Permission to die, sir.
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608. Bu-bu-bu-what started this drinking?
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609. Oh, yes, well, we were celebrating
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610. getting Captain Blackadder off
scot-f-f-f-free.
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611. Oh, my sainted trousers, we forgot!
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612. Oh, whoops.
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613. Oh, no!
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614. Now he's dead, you see.
He's dead dead dead,
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615. because we're a pair of
selfish so-and-so's!
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616. Oh, God, if I had a rope,
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617. I'd put it around my neck
and bally-well hang myself
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618. until it "really" hurt.
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619. Hi, George.
'Morning, Baldrick.
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620. Still the striking resemblance
to guppies fish at feeding time.
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621. Yep, it arrived in the nick of time.
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622. Oh, excellent!
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623. Ah, so you've got the Scotch out, anyway?
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624. Oh, well, well, of course, sir,
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625. We wanted to lay on a bit of a bash for
your safe return.
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626. Ah... here you go.
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627. There was a second telegram
that arrived actually, George,
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628. addressed to you personally
by your uncle.
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629. Oh, thank you, I...
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630. George, my boy,
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631. outraged to read in dispatches
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632. of how that ass Melchett
made such a pigs-ear
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633. of your chum Blackadder's court-martial.
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634. Have reversed the decision forthwith.
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635. Surprised you didn't ask me
to do it yourself, actually.
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636. Now this is interesting, isn't it?
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637. Uh, uh, yes, well,
you see, sir, the thing is...
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638. You two got whammed
last night, didn't you?
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639. Well, well, no, not "whammed" exactly.
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640. A little tiddly, perhaps.
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641. And you forgot the telegram to your uncle!
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642. Well, n-n-n-no,
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643. not, not, completely,
I mean, um, partially...
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644. Umm... well... Yes, yes, entirely.
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645. I think I can explain, sir.
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646. Can you, Baldrick?
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647. No.
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648. As I suspected.
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649. Now, I'm not a religious man, as you know,
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650. but henceforth, I shall nightly pray to the God
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651. that killed Cain and squashed Samson,
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652. that he comes out of retirement
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653. and gets back into practice
on the pair of you!
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654. Captain Blackadder.
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655. Ah, Captain Darling.
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656. Well, you know, some of us just
have friends in high places,
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657. I suppose.
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658. Yes, I can hear you perfectly.
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659. You want what?
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660. You want two volunteers for a mission into
No Man's Land...
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661. Code name:
Operation Certain Death.
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662. Yes, yes, I think I have just the fellows.
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663. God is very quick these days.
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