1. You'd like to book a table
for three by the windowCopy !req
2. for 9:30 pm,Copy !req
3. not too near the band,Copy !req
4. in the name of Obel-Ointment Fungentula?Copy !req
5. Yes, yes, I think you
might have the wrong number.Copy !req
6. That's all right.Copy !req
7. Another crossed line, eh, sir?Copy !req
8. That phone system is a shambles,Copy !req
9. no wonder we haven't had any orders!Copy !req
10. On the contrary, George,
we've had plenty of orders.Copy !req
11. We have orders for six metersCopy !req
12. of Hungarian crushed velvet
curtain material,Copy !req
13. four rock salmon and a ha'pence of chips,Copy !req
14. and a cab for a Mr. Redgrave,Copy !req
15. picking up from 14 Arnost Grove,
Raintop Bell.Copy !req
16. Rather! We don't want those sort of orders,Copy !req
17. we want orders to deck old glory.Copy !req
18. When are we going to give Fritz
a taste of our British spunk?Copy !req
19. George, please.Copy !req
20. No one is more anxious
to advance than I am,Copy !req
21. but until I get these
communication problems sorted out,Copy !req
22. I'm afraid we're stuck.Copy !req
23. Captain Blackadder speaking.Copy !req
24. No, I'm afraid the line's very cclllffffhhtttt!Copy !req
25. Hello?
Hello, Captain Blackadder, hello?Copy !req
26. Schnell, schnell, die koppeltopCopy !req
27. I said there's a terrible line at my end.Copy !req
28. You're to advance on the enemy at once.Copy !req
29. Ppttttt...Copy !req
30. # A wandering minstrel eye in the... #Copy !req
31. Gale Force Eight... imminent.Copy !req
32. I say, sir, what's the message?Copy !req
33. I'm on tenterhooks, do tell!Copy !req
34. Well, as far as I can tell,
the message was,Copy !req
35. he's got a terrible lion up his end,Copy !req
36. so there's an advantage
to an enema at once.Copy !req
37. Damn!Copy !req
38. Message from HQ, sir.Copy !req
39. Ah, now, this'll be it.Copy !req
40. A telegram ordering an advance!Copy !req
41. Hmm, yes, I'm afraid not, George.Copy !req
42. It "is" a telegram,
it "is" ordering an advance,Copy !req
43. but it seems to be addressed to someone
called 'Catpain Blackudder'.Copy !req
44. Do you know
a Catpain Blackudder, George?Copy !req
45. Well, it rings a bell, but I... no.Copy !req
46. - Nope, me neither.
- Oh, well.Copy !req
47. Anyway, George, I'm sure
if they want to contact us, they'll find a way.Copy !req
48. Pigeons, sir!
There's a pigeon in our trench!Copy !req
49. Ah, now, this'll be it!Copy !req
50. Yes, it's one of the King's carrier pigeons.Copy !req
51. No, it isn't, that pigeon
couldn't carry the King!Copy !req
52. Hasn't got a tray or anything.Copy !req
53. Lieutenant, revolver, please.Copy !req
54. Oh now, sir, you really
shouldn't do this, you know!Copy !req
55. Come on, George,
with 50,000 men getting killed a week,Copy !req
56. who's going to miss a pigeon?Copy !req
57. Well, not you, obviously, sir.Copy !req
58. In any case, it's scarcely
a court-martial offence.Copy !req
59. Get plucking, Baldrick.Copy !req
60. All right, sir.Copy !req
61. Look, it's got a little ring 'round its leg,Copy !req
62. there's a novelty!Copy !req
63. Oh, really, is there a paper hat, as well?Copy !req
64. No, but there's a joke.
Read it out, sir.Copy !req
65. It's a bit charred.Copy !req
66. Something-something at once...Copy !req
67. P.S., due to communication crisis,Copy !req
68. the shooting of carrier pigeons
is now a court-martial offence.Copy !req
69. I don't see what's funny about that, sir.Copy !req
70. It's not funny, it's deadly serious.
We're in trouble.Copy !req
71. So I shall eat the evidence for lunch,Copy !req
72. and if anyone asks you any questions at all,Copy !req
73. we didn't receive any messagesCopy !req
74. and we definitely did not
shoot this plump-breasted pigeon.Copy !req
75. Umm... delicious.Copy !req
76. Aye! Blackadder!Copy !req
77. Darling: Attention!Copy !req
78. And why, Captain, are you not advancingCopy !req
79. across No Man's Land?Copy !req
80. Well, sir, call me
a bluffo traditionalist,Copy !req
81. but I was always taught to waitCopy !req
82. for the order to attack before attacking.Copy !req
83. Are you trying to tell me you
haven't received any orders?Copy !req
84. What the hell are you
playing at, Darling?Copy !req
85. That's a blatant lie, sir.Copy !req
86. I spoke to Blackadder
less than an hour ago.Copy !req
87. Yes, you did.Copy !req
88. To tell me some gobbledygook
about having a lion up your bottom.Copy !req
89. Hmm, as I thought... it's the old
communications problem again.Copy !req
90. Stand easy.Copy !req
91. Action on this is imperative.
Take that down, Darling.Copy !req
92. Also, make a note
of the word gobbledygook.Copy !req
93. I like it.Copy !req
94. I want to use it more often in conversation.Copy !req
95. I must say, sir,
I find this all very unlikely.Copy !req
96. Not only did I telephone Blackadder,Copy !req
97. but as you'll recall, we sent him a telegram
and a carrier pigeon.Copy !req
98. Did you?Copy !req
99. Are you telling us you haven't
had a pigeon, Blackadder?Copy !req
100. Um... Ahh...Copy !req
101. Come on man, you must have done!Copy !req
102. I sent our top bird... Speckled Jim.Copy !req
103. My own true love, who's been with me
since I was a nipper!Copy !req
104. To business. I'm giving you
your order to advance now.Copy !req
105. Synchronize watches, gentlemen.Copy !req
106. Private, what is the time?Copy !req
107. We didn't receive any messages,Copy !req
108. and Captain Blackadder definitely did notCopy !req
109. shoot this delicious
plump-breasted pigeon, sir.Copy !req
110. What!??Copy !req
111. You want to be cremated,
Baldrick, or buried at sea?Copy !req
112. Umm...Copy !req
113. - Ah, Lieutenant?
- Sir.Copy !req
114. Do you mind answering
a couple of questions?Copy !req
115. Not at all, sir.Copy !req
116. We didn't get any messages,Copy !req
117. and Captain Blackadder
definitely did not shootCopy !req
118. this delicious plump-breasted pigeon.Copy !req
119. Thanks, George.Copy !req
120. And look, sir, pigeon feathers...
"white" feathers.Copy !req
121. Very apt, eh, Blackadder?Copy !req
122. White feathers?Copy !req
123. Oh no, sir, that's gobbleyjook!Copy !req
124. They're not white,Copy !req
125. they're sort of speckly!Copy !req
126. Speckly?!Copy !req
127. Aahhhhhhhh!Copy !req
128. You shot my Speckled Jim??!!Copy !req
129. You're for it now, Blackadder.Copy !req
130. Quite frankly, sir, I've suspected this
for some time.Copy !req
131. Quite clearly, Captain Blackadder
has been disobeying ordersCopy !req
132. with a breathtaking impertinence.Copy !req
133. I don't care if he's been
rogering the Duke of YorkCopy !req
134. with a prize-winning leek!Copy !req
135. He shot my pigeon!!!Copy !req
136. Aaahh-ahhhh-ooohhhh!Copy !req
137. Take it easy, sir.Copy !req
138. I think we should do this
by the book, sir.Copy !req
139. Yes, yes, you're right, of course.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
140. Attention!Copy !req
141. Captain Blackadder, as of this momentCopy !req
142. you may consider yourself under arrest.Copy !req
143. You know what the penalty is for
disobeying orders, Blackadder?Copy !req
144. Umm... court-martial,Copy !req
145. followed by immediate cessation
of chocolate rations?Copy !req
146. No.Copy !req
147. Court-martial followed by immediate death
by firing squad.Copy !req
148. Oh, so I got it half right.Copy !req
149. All saddled in and happy,
are we then, sir?Copy !req
150. Reining all our last goodbyes?Copy !req
151. Oh, no need for that, Perkins,Copy !req
152. I've just dashed off a couple of notes,Copy !req
153. one asking for a sponge bag,
and the other sending for my lawyer.Copy !req
154. Oh, your lawyer, yes.Copy !req
155. Don't you think that might be
a bit of a waste of money, sir?Copy !req
156. Not when he's the finest mind
in English legal history.Copy !req
157. Ever heard of Bob Massingbird?Copy !req
158. Oh, yes indeed, sir!
A most gifted gentleman!Copy !req
159. Quite. I remember Massingbird's
most famous case,Copy !req
160. the Case of the Bloody Knife.Copy !req
161. A man was found next to a murdered body,Copy !req
162. he had the knife in his hand,Copy !req
163. thirteen witnesses had
seen him stab the victim,Copy !req
164. and when the police arrived he said,Copy !req
165. "I'm glad I killed the bastard."Copy !req
166. Massingbird not only got him off,Copy !req
167. he got him knighted
in the New Year's honours list,Copy !req
168. and the relatives of the victimCopy !req
169. had to pay to have the blood
washed out of his jacket.Copy !req
170. And he's a dab hand
at the prosecution, as well, sir.Copy !req
171. Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.Copy !req
172. Oh, butch Oscar.Copy !req
173. Exactly... big, bearded,
bonking, butch Oscar,Copy !req
174. the terror of the ladies.Copy !req
175. 114 illegitimate children,
world heavyweight boxing champion,Copy !req
176. and author of the best-selling pamphlet,Copy !req
177. Why I Like To Do It With Girls...Copy !req
178. and Massingbird had him sent down
for being a whoopsie.Copy !req
179. Ah, Baldrick.Copy !req
180. - Anything from Mattingburg yet?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
181. It just arrived, sir.Copy !req
182. - What is it?
- Sponge bag, sir.Copy !req
183. - A sponge bag?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
184. Baldrick, I gave you two notes.Copy !req
185. You sent the note asking for a sponge bagCopy !req
186. to the finest mind in English legal history.Copy !req
187. Certainly did, sir!Copy !req
188. And you sent the note requesting
legal representation to... ?Copy !req
189. Well, tally-ho, with a bing and a bong
and a buzz-buzz-buzz!Copy !req
190. Oh, GodCopy !req
191. I'll tell you first of all, sir,Copy !req
192. that I am deeply, deeply honoured.Copy !req
193. Baldrick, I'll deal with you later.Copy !req
194. Am I to understand that
you are going to represent meCopy !req
195. at the court-martial?Copy !req
196. Absolutely, sir.
It's a sort of family tradition.Copy !req
197. My uncle's a lawyer, you know.Copy !req
198. Your uncle's a lawyer, but you're not.Copy !req
199. Oh, good Lord, no.Copy !req
200. I'm an absolute duffer at this sort of thing.Copy !req
201. In the school debating society,Copy !req
202. I was voted the boy least likelyCopy !req
203. to complete a coherent... um...Copy !req
204. Sentence?Copy !req
205. That's it, yes.Copy !req
206. But anyway, my dear old friend,Copy !req
207. it's an honor to serve.Copy !req
208. George, I'm in deep trouble here.Copy !req
209. I need to construct a caseCopy !req
210. that's as watertight as
a mermaid's brassiere.Copy !req
211. I'm not sure your particular
brand of mindless optimismCopy !req
212. is going to contribute much
to the proceedings.Copy !req
213. That's a shame, sir, because I was planningCopy !req
214. on playing the mindless optimism card
very strongly during your trial.Copy !req
215. I beg your pardon?Copy !req
216. Yes, I've alreadyCopy !req
217. planned my closing address
based on that very theme.Copy !req
218. Oh, go on, let him off,
your Honour, please!Copy !req
219. After all, it's a lovely day.Copy !req
220. Pretty clouds, trees, birds, et cetera.Copy !req
221. I rest my case.Copy !req
222. So, Counsel, with that
summing up in mind,Copy !req
223. what do you think my chances are?Copy !req
224. Well, not all that good, I'm afraid,Copy !req
225. as far as I can tell, you're as guilty
as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.Copy !req
226. Charming.Copy !req
227. Crikey! So sorry I'm late, my love.Copy !req
228. But anyway, let me
open my defence straightawayCopy !req
229. by saying that I've
known this man for three years,Copy !req
230. he's an absolutely corking chap...Copy !req
231. - George?
- Yes, sir?Copy !req
232. - That's the clerk of the court.
- Is it? Oh!Copy !req
233. We haven't started yet.Copy !req
234. - Good luck, Blackadder.
- Well, thank you, Darling.Copy !req
235. And what's your big job here today?Copy !req
236. Straightening chairs?Copy !req
237. No, in fact I'm appearing for the prosecution.Copy !req
238. I wouldn't raise your hopes too much.Copy !req
239. You're guilty as hell,
you haven't got a chance.Copy !req
240. Why, thank you, Darling.Copy !req
241. And I hope your mother dies
in a freak yachting accident.Copy !req
242. Just doing my job, Blackadder.Copy !req
243. Obeying orders, and, of course,
having enormous fun into the bargain.Copy !req
244. I wouldn't be too confident if I were you.Copy !req
245. Any reasonably impartial judge
is bound to let me off.Copy !req
246. Well, absolutely.Copy !req
247. Who is the judge, by the way?Copy !req
248. Bailiff!Copy !req
249. I'm dead.Copy !req
250. Well, come on, then. Come on.Copy !req
251. We'll get this over in five minutes,Copy !req
252. and then we can have a spot of lunch.Copy !req
253. Right... oohh... ahhh.Copy !req
254. The court is now in session,Copy !req
255. General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmenay
Melchett in the chair.Copy !req
256. The case before us Is that of the Crown
vs. Captain Edmund Blackadder...Copy !req
257. the Flanders pigeon murderer!Copy !req
258. Oh, clerk, hand me the black cap,
I'll be needing that.Copy !req
259. I love a fair trial.Copy !req
260. Anything to say before
we kick off, Captain Darling?Copy !req
261. May it please the court.Copy !req
262. As this is clearly an open and shut case,Copy !req
263. I beg leave to bring a private prosecution
against the defence counselCopy !req
264. for wasting the court's time.Copy !req
265. Granted. The defence counsel is fined
fifty pounds for turning up.Copy !req
266. This is fun! This is just like a real court!Copy !req
267. All right! Let the trial begin!Copy !req
268. The charge before usCopy !req
269. is that the Flanders pigeon murderer...
did deliberately,Copy !req
270. callously, and with beastliness
of forethoughtCopy !req
271. murder a lovely, innocent pigeon!Copy !req
272. And disobeyed some orders as well.Copy !req
273. Is this true?Copy !req
274. Perfectly true, sir!
I was there.Copy !req
275. Thanks, George.Copy !req
276. Oh, damn!Copy !req
277. Right. Counsel for the defence,
get on with it.Copy !req
278. Oh, right, yes, right.Copy !req
279. Um, yes. I'd like to call my first witness,Copy !req
280. Captain Darling.Copy !req
281. You wish to call the counsel
for the prosecutionCopy !req
282. as a defence witness?Copy !req
283. That's right.Copy !req
284. Don't worry, sir, I've got it all under control.Copy !req
285. Ahem. You are Captain Darling
of the general staff?Copy !req
286. I am.Copy !req
287. Captain, leaving aside
the incident in question,Copy !req
288. would you think of Captain Blackadder
as the sort of manCopy !req
289. who would usually ignore orders?Copy !req
290. Yes, I would.Copy !req
291. Ah, um. You sure?Copy !req
292. I was rather banking on
you saying "no" there.Copy !req
293. I'm sure.Copy !req
294. In fact, I have a list of
other orders he's disobeyed,Copy !req
295. if it would be useful.Copy !req
296. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
297. May 16th, 9:15 am,
10:23 am, 10:24 am,Copy !req
298. 11:17 am...Copy !req
299. You missed one out there.Copy !req
300. ...10:30 am... thank you... 11:46 am...Copy !req
301. - George!
- Oh, oh, ye-ye... right.Copy !req
302. Thank you, Captain.Copy !req
303. No further questions.Copy !req
304. Well done, George.Copy !req
305. You really had him on the ropes.Copy !req
306. Don't worry, old man.Copy !req
307. I have a last and, I think
you'll find, decisive witness.Copy !req
308. Call Private Baldrick.Copy !req
309. Call Private Baldrick.Copy !req
310. Deny everything, Baldrick.Copy !req
311. Are you Private Baldrick?Copy !req
312. No!Copy !req
313. Um, but you are
Captain Blackadder's batman?Copy !req
314. No!Copy !req
315. Come on, Baldrick.,
be a bit more helpful, it's me!Copy !req
316. No, it isn't!Copy !req
317. Sir, I must protest!Copy !req
318. Quite right!Copy !req
319. We don't need your kind here, Private.
Get out.Copy !req
320. Now, George, sum up, please.Copy !req
321. Oh, right, yes, uhhhh...Copy !req
322. Ah, gentlemen,Copy !req
323. you have heard all the evidence
presented before you today,Copy !req
324. but in the end, it is up to the conscienceCopy !req
325. of your hearts to decide.Copy !req
326. And I firmly believe, that, like me,Copy !req
327. you will conclude that Captain BlackadderCopy !req
328. is in fact, totally and utterly... guilty.Copy !req
329. ...of nothing more...Copy !req
330. ...than trying to do his duty
under difficult circumstances.Copy !req
331. Nonsense! He's a hound and a rutter,
and he's going to be shot!Copy !req
332. However, before we proceedCopy !req
333. to the formality of sentencing
the deceased...Copy !req
334. I mean the defendant...Copy !req
335. I think we'd all rather enjoy
hearing the case of the prosecution.Copy !req
336. Captain Darling, if you please.Copy !req
337. Sir, my case is very simple.Copy !req
338. I call my first witness,Copy !req
339. General Sir Anthony
Cecil Hogmaney Melchett.Copy !req
340. Ah! Umm!Copy !req
341. Clever. Clever!Copy !req
342. General, did you own a lovely,Copy !req
343. plump, speckily pigeonCopy !req
344. called Speckled Jim,Copy !req
345. which you hand-reared from a chickCopy !req
346. and which was your
only childhood friend?Copy !req
347. Yes!Copy !req
348. Yes, I did.Copy !req
349. And did Captain Blackadder
shoot the aforementioned pigeon?Copy !req
350. Yes, he did!Copy !req
351. Can you see Captain BlackadderCopy !req
352. anywhere in this courtroom?!Copy !req
353. That's him!!!Copy !req
354. That's the man!! Ahhhh!!!Copy !req
355. No more questions, sir.Copy !req
356. Splendid, excellent, first-class.Copy !req
357. Clear the way, man.Copy !req
358. I therefore have absolutely no hesitationCopy !req
359. in announcing that
the sentence of this court is that you,Copy !req
360. Captain Edmund Blackadder,Copy !req
361. be taken from this place and suffer deathCopy !req
362. by shooting tomorrow at dawn.Copy !req
363. Do you have anything to say?Copy !req
364. Yes, could I have an alarm call, please?Copy !req
365. Chap here to see the captain.Copy !req
366. What does he look like?Copy !req
367. Short, ugly...Copy !req
368. Hello, Baldrick.Copy !req
369. I brought you some food, sir,Copy !req
370. for your final breakfast tomorrow.Copy !req
371. Ah, so you're not pinning much hope
on a last-minute reprieve, then.Copy !req
372. No sir, you are as dead
as some doo-doos.Copy !req
373. The expression, Baldrick, is "as a dodo"...Copy !req
374. Dead as a dodo.Copy !req
375. Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I?Copy !req
376. Do not despair, sir.Copy !req
377. All my talk of food was just a dead herring.Copy !req
378. In fact, I have a cunning plan.Copy !req
379. This is not food, but an escape kit.Copy !req
380. Good Lord!Copy !req
381. With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun,Copy !req
382. a change of clothes, a Swiss passport,Copy !req
383. and a huge false moustache,
I may just stand a chance.Copy !req
384. Ah.Copy !req
385. Let's see, what have we here?Copy !req
386. A small painted wooden duck.Copy !req
387. Yeah, I thought if you
get caught near water,Copy !req
388. you can balance it
on the top of your headCopy !req
389. as a brilliant disguise.Copy !req
390. Yeeeesss.Copy !req
391. I would, of course, have to escape first.Copy !req
392. Ah, but what's this?Copy !req
393. Unless I'm much mistaken,
a hammer and a chisel.Copy !req
394. You are much mistaken!Copy !req
395. A pencil and a miniature trumpet.Copy !req
396. Yes, a pencil so you can drop me a postcardCopy !req
397. to tell me how the break-out went,Copy !req
398. and a small little tiny miniature trumpetCopy !req
399. in case, during your escape,Copy !req
400. you have to win favour with a difficult child.Copy !req
401. Baldrick, I don't want
to spend my last precious hoursCopy !req
402. rummaging through this feeble collection
of stocking-fillers.Copy !req
403. Let me ask you some simple questions:Copy !req
404. Is there a saw in this bag?
- No.Copy !req
405. - A hammer?
- No.Copy !req
406. - A chisel?
- No.Copy !req
407. - A gun?
- No.Copy !req
408. A false passport?Copy !req
409. No.Copy !req
410. A change of clothes?Copy !req
411. Yes sir, of course, I wouldn't
forget a change of clothes.Copy !req
412. Ah, well, that's something.
Let's see...Copy !req
413. A Robin Hood costume.Copy !req
414. Yeah, I put in a
French peasant's outfit first,Copy !req
415. But then I thought,
what if you arrive inCopy !req
416. in a French peasant's villageCopy !req
417. and they're in the middle
of a fancy dress party? 'Copy !req
418. And what if I arrive in
a French peasant village,Copy !req
419. dressed in a Robin Hood costumeCopy !req
420. and there "isn't" a fancy dress party?Copy !req
421. Well, to be quite frank sir,Copy !req
422. I didn't consider that eventuality,Copy !req
423. because if you did,
you'd stick out like a...Copy !req
424. Like a man standing in a lakeCopy !req
425. with a small painted wooden
duck on his head?Copy !req
426. Exactly!Copy !req
427. Excuse me, sir.Copy !req
428. All right, um, thank you, Baldrick,Copy !req
429. we'll finish this picnic later.Copy !req
430. Yum yum!Copy !req
431. Do you mind if I disturb you
for a moment, sir?Copy !req
432. No, no, not at all.Copy !req
433. My diary's pretty empty this week.Copy !req
434. Let's see, Thursday morning, get shot...Copy !req
435. Yes, that's about it, actually.Copy !req
436. It's just there's a few chaps out hereCopy !req
437. would like a bit of a chinwag.Copy !req
438. Oh, lovely. Always keen to meet new people.Copy !req
439. Corporal Jones,Copy !req
440. and Privates Frazier,
Robinson, and Tipperwick.Copy !req
441. Hello.Copy !req
442. Well, nice of you to drop by.Copy !req
443. And what do you do?Copy !req
444. We're your firing squad, sir.Copy !req
445. Of course you are.Copy !req
446. - Good sized chest.
- Shut up, lad.Copy !req
447. You see, us firing squads
are a bit like tax men, sir,Copy !req
448. everyone hates us,Copy !req
449. but we're just doin'
our job, ain't we, lads?Copy !req
450. My heart bleeds for you.Copy !req
451. Well, sir, we aim to please.Copy !req
452. Just a little firing squad joke there, sir!Copy !req
453. You see, sir,Copy !req
454. we take pride in the terminatory
service we supply.Copy !req
455. So, is there any particular area
you'd like us to go for, hmm?Copy !req
456. We can aim anywhere.Copy !req
457. Well, in that case,Copy !req
458. just above my head might be a good spot.Copy !req
459. You see, a laugh and a smile,Copy !req
460. and all of a sudden the job doesn't seemCopy !req
461. quite so bad after all, does it, sir?Copy !req
462. No, it's a lovely roomy forehead.Copy !req
463. A good pulse and jugular there as well.Copy !req
464. Look, I'm sorry,
I know you mean to be friendly,Copy !req
465. but I hope you won't
take it amiss if I ask you to sod off and die.Copy !req
466. No, no, no, no, no, no, fair enough,Copy !req
467. 'course not, sir.Copy !req
468. No one likes being shot first thing
in the morning, do they?Copy !req
469. So, look forward
to seeing you tomorrow, sir.Copy !req
470. You'll have a blindfold on of course,Copy !req
471. but you'll recognize me.Copy !req
472. I'm the one that says, "Ready, aim, fire! "Copy !req
473. Could I ask you to leave a pauseCopy !req
474. between the word "aim" and the word "fire"?Copy !req
475. Thirty or forty years, perhaps?Copy !req
476. Ah, wish I could pause, sir,
I really wish I could,Copy !req
477. but I can't, you see,
'cos I'm a gabbler, you see.Copy !req
478. Ready-aim-fire!Copy !req
479. No style, no finesse...Copy !req
480. But it gets the job done, don't it, lads?
Come on, lads.Copy !req
481. Whoever gets closest to the mole
gets to keep his gold teeth.Copy !req
482. - Good night, sir.
- Sleep well, sir.Copy !req
483. Perfect!Copy !req
484. I wonder if anything on earth
could depress me more?Copy !req
485. Excuse me, sir?Copy !req
486. Of course it could.Copy !req
487. I forgot to give you this letter
from Lieutenant George, sir.Copy !req
488. Ahh! Oh, joy!Copy !req
489. What wise words from the world's
greatest defence counsel?Copy !req
490. Dear Mother...Copy !req
491. Hmm, unusual start.Copy !req
492. Thanks for the case of Scotch.Copy !req
493. You've excelled yourself, Baldrick.Copy !req
494. You've brought the wrong letter again.Copy !req
495. Ohh yeah, he did write two.Copy !req
496. Yes, his mother's about to get a noteCopy !req
497. telling her he's sorry
she's going to be shot in the morning,Copy !req
498. while I have to read this drivel.Copy !req
499. Hope Celia thrives
in the pony club trials,Copy !req
500. and that "little Freddy scores a century
for the first eleven".Copy !req
501. You can't deny, it's a riveting read.Copy !req
502. Uhhh, "Send my love to Uncle Rupert,Copy !req
503. who'd have thought it,
mad Uncle Rupert, Minister of WarCopy !req
504. with power of life and death
over every bally soldier in the army.Copy !req
505. Hang on a minute... This is it!Copy !req
506. All George has to do
is send him a telegramCopy !req
507. and he'll get me off.Copy !req
508. Baldrick, I love you!Copy !req
509. I want to kiss your cherry lipsCopy !req
510. and nibble your shell-like ears!Copy !req
511. I'm freeeee!Copy !req
512. I'm useless, useless!Copy !req
513. Sir, sir!Copy !req
514. Hello Private, how's the captain?Copy !req
515. He's absolutely fine, sir, but...Copy !req
516. You're just trying to cheer me up.
I know the truth.Copy !req
517. He hates me because I completely
arsed up his defence.Copy !req
518. Yes, I know, sir...Copy !req
519. Because I'm thick, you see.Copy !req
520. I'm as thick as the big-print versionCopy !req
521. of the complete works of Charles Dickens.Copy !req
522. If only I could've saved him. If only!Copy !req
523. But you can, sir.Copy !req
524. What, how?Copy !req
525. You send a telegram.Copy !req
526. Of course! I send a telegram!Copy !req
527. Yeah!Copy !req
528. - Who to?
- To the person in the letter.Copy !req
529. - What letter?
- To your mother.Copy !req
530. I send a telegram to my mother?!Copy !req
531. - No!
- No!Copy !req
532. You send a telegram to
the person in the letter to your mother.Copy !req
533. Who was in the letter to my mother?Copy !req
534. I can't remember!Copy !req
535. - Well, think, think!
- No, "you" think think!Copy !req
536. Celia, of course!
The pony club trials... yes!Copy !req
537. Celia could leap over the walls
of the prison and save him!Copy !req
538. No, no!Copy !req
539. No, no, um... cricket!Copy !req
540. Yes, I've got
Cousin Freddie, of course.Copy !req
541. He could knock out
the firing squad with his cricket bat!Copy !req
542. No, there's someone else!Copy !req
543. - Well, who?!
- I don't know!Copy !req
544. - Well, neither do I!
- Well, think, think!Copy !req
545. - "You think," sir!
- I'm stuck!Copy !req
546. - No, it hasn't helped.
- Yes it has, sir.Copy !req
547. Your Uncle Rupert who's
just been made Minister of War.Copy !req
548. Of course!Copy !req
549. Uncle Rupert's just been made
the Minister of War!Copy !req
550. Baldrick, I'll, I'll send him a telegramCopy !req
551. and he'll pull strings and scratch backsCopy !req
552. and fiddle with knobs,
and get the captain off!Copy !req
553. Hurray!Copy !req
554. Well, I got there in the end, eh Baldrick?Copy !req
555. Oh, just about, sir.Copy !req
556. I think this calls for a celebration, don't you?Copy !req
557. What about a tot of
Old Morehen's Shredded Sporum,Copy !req
558. which Mummsy's just sent over?Copy !req
559. I think a toast, don't you,Copy !req
560. to Captain Blackadder and freedom!Copy !req
561. Captain Blackadder and freedom, sir.Copy !req
562. - 'Morning.
- 'Morning, sir.Copy !req
563. I must say, Captain,
I've got to admire your balls.Copy !req
564. Perhaps later.Copy !req
565. So boys, how are you doing?Copy !req
566. Very well, good.Copy !req
567. - Robinson, good to see you.
- Good to see you, too, sir.Copy !req
568. Ah, Corporal, how's the voice?Copy !req
569. Excellent, sir.Copy !req
570. Ready-aim-fire!Copy !req
571. Wait for it, "wait" for it.Copy !req
572. So the phone's on the hook,
isn't it, Perkins?Copy !req
573. Oh yes, sir.Copy !req
574. So, where do you want me?Copy !req
575. Well, up against the wall is traditional, sir.Copy !req
576. Of course it is.Copy !req
577. Ah, this side or the other side?Copy !req
578. No messengers waiting, Perkins?Copy !req
579. Oh, I'm afraid not, sir.Copy !req
580. Fair enough, fair enough.Copy !req
581. All right, lads, line up.Copy !req
582. Yes, ahh...Copy !req
583. Now, look, I think there's a bit
of a misunderstanding,Copy !req
584. you see, I was expecting a telegram.Copy !req
585. Attention!Copy !req
586. An important one, actually.Copy !req
587. Take aim!Copy !req
588. Stop!Copy !req
589. I think that's what they call
'The nick of time'.Copy !req
590. Message for you, Captain.Copy !req
591. Of course it is. Read it, please.Copy !req
592. Here's looking at you.Copy !req
593. Love from all the boys in the firing squad.Copy !req
594. You soft bastards, you!Copy !req
595. I saw the card, I couldn't resist it.Copy !req
596. How thoughtful!Copy !req
597. Attention!Copy !req
598. Now, look, something has gone
spectacularly, badly wrong.Copy !req
599. Take aim!Copy !req
600. Baldrick, you're mincemeat!Copy !req
601. Corporal: f...Copy !req
602. Oh, my head!Copy !req
603. Oh, my head!Copy !req
604. Feels like the time I was initiated
into the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge.Copy !req
605. I misheard the rulesCopy !req
606. and pushed a whole oberjing
into my earhole.Copy !req
607. Permission to die, sir.Copy !req
608. Bu-bu-bu-what started this drinking?Copy !req
609. Oh, yes, well, we were celebratingCopy !req
610. getting Captain Blackadder off
scot-f-f-f-free.Copy !req
611. Oh, my sainted trousers, we forgot!Copy !req
612. Oh, whoops.Copy !req
613. Oh, no!Copy !req
614. Now he's dead, you see.
He's dead dead dead,Copy !req
615. because we're a pair of
selfish so-and-so's!Copy !req
616. Oh, God, if I had a rope,Copy !req
617. I'd put it around my neck
and bally-well hang myselfCopy !req
618. until it "really" hurt.Copy !req
619. Hi, George.
'Morning, Baldrick.Copy !req
620. Still the striking resemblance
to guppies fish at feeding time.Copy !req
621. Yep, it arrived in the nick of time.Copy !req
622. Oh, excellent!Copy !req
623. Ah, so you've got the Scotch out, anyway?Copy !req
624. Oh, well, well, of course, sir,Copy !req
625. We wanted to lay on a bit of a bash for
your safe return.Copy !req
626. Ah... here you go.Copy !req
627. There was a second telegram
that arrived actually, George,Copy !req
628. addressed to you personally
by your uncle.Copy !req
629. Oh, thank you, I...Copy !req
630. George, my boy,Copy !req
631. outraged to read in dispatchesCopy !req
632. of how that ass Melchett
made such a pigs-earCopy !req
633. of your chum Blackadder's court-martial.Copy !req
634. Have reversed the decision forthwith.Copy !req
635. Surprised you didn't ask me
to do it yourself, actually.Copy !req
636. Now this is interesting, isn't it?Copy !req
637. Uh, uh, yes, well,
you see, sir, the thing is...Copy !req
638. You two got whammed
last night, didn't you?Copy !req
639. Well, well, no, not "whammed" exactly.Copy !req
640. A little tiddly, perhaps.Copy !req
641. And you forgot the telegram to your uncle!Copy !req
642. Well, n-n-n-no,Copy !req
643. not, not, completely,
I mean, um, partially...Copy !req
644. Umm... well... Yes, yes, entirely.Copy !req
645. I think I can explain, sir.Copy !req
646. Can you, Baldrick?Copy !req
647. No.Copy !req
648. As I suspected.Copy !req
649. Now, I'm not a religious man, as you know,Copy !req
650. but henceforth, I shall nightly pray to the GodCopy !req
651. that killed Cain and squashed Samson,Copy !req
652. that he comes out of retirementCopy !req
653. and gets back into practice
on the pair of you!Copy !req
654. Captain Blackadder.Copy !req
655. Ah, Captain Darling.Copy !req
656. Well, you know, some of us just
have friends in high places,Copy !req
657. I suppose.Copy !req
658. Yes, I can hear you perfectly.Copy !req
659. You want what?Copy !req
660. You want two volunteers for a mission into
No Man's Land...Copy !req
661. Code name:
Operation Certain Death.Copy !req
662. Yes, yes, I think I have just the fellows.Copy !req
663. God is very quick these days.Copy !req