1. You look smart, Mr Blackadder.
Going somewhere nice?Copy !req
2. - No, I'm off to the theatre.
- Don't you like it, then?Copy !req
3. No, I don't! A lot of stupid actors strutting around
shouting, with their chests thrust out so far,Copy !req
4. you'd think their nipples were attached
to a pair of charging elephants!Copy !req
5. And the worst thing about it
is having to go with Prince Mini-Brain!Copy !req
6. - Doesn't he like it, either?
- He loves it.Copy !req
7. The problem is
that he doesn't realise it's made up.Copy !req
8. Last year, when Brutus was about
to kill Julius Caesar, the Prince yelled out,Copy !req
9. "Look behind you, Mr Caesar!"Copy !req
10. I can't see the point in the theatre. All that sex
and violence - I get enough of that at home.Copy !req
11. Except for the sex, of course.Copy !req
12. I want you to give this palace a good clean. It's
so dirty, it'd be unacceptable to a dung-beetleCopy !req
13. that had lost interest in its career
and really let itself go.Copy !req
14. Come on, Blackadder,
or we'll miss the first act!Copy !req
15. Coming, sir, as fast as I can!Copy !req
16. Stick the kettle on, Baldrick.Copy !req
17. Now, sir, give I this advice to thee:
Never, never, never trust thine enemy.Copy !req
18. Agh!Copy !req
19. Aaaaaagh!Copy !req
20. Thy life is forfeit, sir...
Aaagh...Copy !req
21. Thy life is forfeit, sir, and at an end,
like our poor play.Copy !req
22. We hope it pleased you, friends.Copy !req
23. Certainly not, you murdering rotter!
Guards, arrest that man!Copy !req
24. - Your Highness, it's only a play.
- What about the poor fellow who's dead?Copy !req
25. Saying "it's only a play" will not feed and clothe
the little ones he leaves behind. Call the militia!Copy !req
26. Sir, he's not dead.
See, he stands, awaiting your applause.Copy !req
27. Oh, I say, that's very clever.
He really isn't dead.Copy !req
28. Bravo! Bravo!Copy !req
29. - Blast, the Prince likes it!
- Shit, we'll close tonight.Copy !req
30. Work for the weavers! Smash the Spinning Jenny!Copy !req
31. Burn the Rolling Rosalind! Destroy the Going Up
and Down a Bit and then Moving Along Gertrude!Copy !req
32. And death to the stupid Prince
who grows fat on the profits!Copy !req
33. I say, how exciting!
This play's getting better and better! Bravo!Copy !req
34. It's not a play any more, sir.Copy !req
35. Put the bomb down
and make your way quietly to the exit.Copy !req
36. Blackadder, your problem is, you can't tell
when something's real and when it's not.Copy !req
37. I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave.Copy !req
38. Why on earth would an anarchist
possibly want to kill "you"?Copy !req
39. - I think it might've been you he was after, sir.
- Hogwash! What on earth makes you say that?Copy !req
40. Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use
of the words "Death to the stupid Prince".Copy !req
41. It was a bit rude, wasn't it?Copy !req
42. These are volatile times, Your Highness. The
American Revolution lost your father the Colonies,Copy !req
43. the French Revolution murdered brave King Louis
and there are tremendous rumblings in Prussia,Copy !req
44. although that might be something to do
with the sausages.Copy !req
45. The whole world cries out, "Peace, freedom,
and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie".Copy !req
46. Well, yes, quite, something must be done.
Any ideas?Copy !req
47. Yes, sir. Next week
is your royal father's birthday celebrations.Copy !req
48. I suggest that I write a brilliant speech
for you to recite,Copy !req
49. to show the oppressed masses
how unusually sensitive you are.Copy !req
50. Tell me about these "oppressed masses",
what are they so worked up about?Copy !req
51. Because they are so poor,Copy !req
52. they are forced to have children simply to provide
a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas.Copy !req
53. Disease and depravation stalk our land
like... two giant stalking things.Copy !req
54. - And the working man is poised to overthrow us.
- Oh my God, and here he is!Copy !req
55. - Don't be silly, sir. That's Baldrick, my dogsbody.
- He looks like an oppressed mass to me.Copy !req
56. - Get him out of here at once!
- Shoo, Baldrick, carry on cleaning elsewhere.Copy !req
57. By the end of tonight, I want that dining table
so clean I can eat my dinner off it.Copy !req
58. Crikey, Blackadder, I'm dicing with death here.Copy !req
59. The sooner I can show
how unusually sensitive I am, the better.Copy !req
60. - Oh, I just had another brilliant thought.
- Another one, Your Highness?Copy !req
61. Yes, another one, actually!Copy !req
62. You remember that one I had about wearing
underwear on the outside to save on laundry bills?Copy !req
63. Why don't we ask those two actors we saw tonight
to teach me how to recite your speech?Copy !req
64. - Brilliant, eh?
- No, Your Highness, feeble.Copy !req
65. What?Copy !req
66. I would advise against it. It's a feeble idea.Copy !req
67. Well, tish and pish to your advice, Blackadder!
Get them here at once!Copy !req
68. I'm fed up with you treating me
as if I'm some kind of thickie.Copy !req
69. It's not me that's thick, it's you!
I'm the bloody Prince and you're only a butler.Copy !req
70. Now go and get those actors here this minute,
Mr Thicky-Black-Thicky-Adder-Thicky.Copy !req
71. - Mrs Miggins, I'm looking for a couple of actors.
- Well, you've come to the right place, Mr B.Copy !req
72. There's more Shakespearian dialogue in here
than there are buns.Copy !req
73. All my lovely actors pop in on their way
to rehearsals for a little cup of coffeeCopy !req
74. and a big dollop of inspiration.Copy !req
75. You mean they actually rehearse? I thought they
got drunk, stuck on a silly hat and trusted to luck.Copy !req
76. Oh, no! There's ever so much hard work that goes
into the wonderful magic that is theatre today.Copy !req
77. Still I don't expect you'd know much about that,
being only a little butler.Copy !req
78. They do say, Mrs M,
that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain.Copy !req
79. They are of course wrong, as you'll soon discover
when I stick this toasting fork in your head.Copy !req
80. Ladies and gentlemen,
will you please welcome Mr David Keanrick.Copy !req
81. - And the fabulous Mr Enoch Mossop.
- Hurrah! Gentlemen, gentlemen!Copy !req
82. Settle down, settle down, settle down.
I'm sorry, no autographs.Copy !req
83. - The usual, Mrs M.
- Coming up, my lovely.Copy !req
84. Well, if I can just squeeze through
this admiring rabble.Copy !req
85. Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition.Copy !req
86. How dare you, sir. You think just because
we're actors we sleep with everyone.Copy !req
87. I think, being actors,
you're lucky to sleep with anyone.Copy !req
88. I come here on behalf of my employer,
to ask for some elocution lessons.Copy !req
89. I fear, sir, that is quite impossible. We are
in the middle of rehearsing our new play.Copy !req
90. We could not possibly betray our beloved audience
by taking time off.Copy !req
91. Oh no, mustn't upset the punters.
Bums on seats, laddie, bums on seats.Copy !req
92. And what play is this?Copy !req
93. It is a piece we penned ourselves,Copy !req
94. called "The Bloody Murder of the Foul Prince
Romero and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife".Copy !req
95. A philosophical work, then.Copy !req
96. Indeed yes, sir.Copy !req
97. The violence of the murder and the vastness of
the bosom are entirely justified artistically.Copy !req
98. - Right, I'll tell the Prince that you can't make it.
- Prince?Copy !req
99. Sorry, yes, didn't I mention that?
It's the Prince Regent. Shame you can't make it.Copy !req
100. No, no, no, please, no. Please wait, sir.Copy !req
101. Off, off!Copy !req
102. - I think we can find some time, Mr Keanrick.
- Definitely, Mr Mossop.Copy !req
103. No, you've got your beloved audience
to think about.Copy !req
104. - Sod the proles! We'll come.
- Yes, worthless bastards to a man.Copy !req
105. It's nice to see artistic integrity
thriving so strongly in the acting community.Copy !req
106. This afternoon at four, then, at the Palace.Copy !req
107. - Well, what do you think?
- Are you ill or something?Copy !req
108. No, I'm simply trying to look more like an actor.Copy !req
109. - I'm sure you don't need the false moustache.
- No?Copy !req
110. Ow!Copy !req
111. Egads, it's that oppressed mass again!Copy !req
112. That is Baldrick spring cleaning.Copy !req
113. Oh yes, so it is.Copy !req
114. - Finish the job later, Baldrick.
- The cleaning or the being strangled?Copy !req
115. Either suits me.Copy !req
116. This is all getting a bit hairy, isn't it? Are you sure
we can even trust these acting fellows?Copy !req
117. Last time, three of them murdered Julius Caesar,
and one of them was his best friend Brutus.Copy !req
118. As I've told you about eight times, the man
playing Julius Caesar was an actor called Kemp.Copy !req
119. - Really?
- Yes.Copy !req
120. Thundering gherkins! Brutus must have been
pretty miffed when he found out.Copy !req
121. What?Copy !req
122. That he hadn't killed Caesar after all,
just some poxy actor called Kemp.Copy !req
123. Do you think he went to Caesar's place
after the play and killed him then?Copy !req
124. Oh, God, it's pathetic!Copy !req
125. - Is that the door?
- Don't worry, it's just the actors.Copy !req
126. My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
It was called Macbeth.Copy !req
127. - And what did he play?
- Second codpiece.Copy !req
128. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.Copy !req
129. So he was a stunt codpiece?Copy !req
130. Did he have a large part?Copy !req
131. Depends who's playing Macbeth.Copy !req
132. Incidentally, Baldrick, actors are very superstitious.Copy !req
133. On no account mention the word "Macbeth"
this evening, all right?Copy !req
134. It brings them bad luck
and it makes them very unhappy.Copy !req
135. - Oh, so you won't be mentioning it either?
- No.Copy !req
136. Well, not very often.Copy !req
137. You should have knocked.Copy !req
138. Our knocks, impertinent butler,
were loud enough to wake the hounds of hell.Copy !req
139. - Lead on, McDuff.
- I shall.Copy !req
140. Lest you continue in your quotation
and mention the name of the Scottish play.Copy !req
141. Never fear, I shan't do that.Copy !req
142. By the Scottish play,
I assume you mean Macbeth.Copy !req
143. Hot potato,
off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow!Copy !req
144. - What was that?
- We were exorcising evil spirits.Copy !req
145. Being but a mere butler,
you will not know the great theatre traditionCopy !req
146. that one does never speak
the name of the Scottish play.Copy !req
147. What, Macbeth?Copy !req
148. Hot potato, off his drawers,
pluck to make amends. Ow!Copy !req
149. You mean you have to do that
every time I say "Macbeth"?Copy !req
150. Hot potato, off his drawers,
pluck to make amends. Ow!Copy !req
151. Will you please stop saying that!
Always call it "the Scottish play".Copy !req
152. - You want me to say "the Scottish Play"?
- Yes!Copy !req
153. Rather than "Macbeth"?Copy !req
154. Hot potato, off his drawers,
pluck to make amends. Ow!Copy !req
155. For heaven's sake, what is all this hullabaloo,
all this shouting and yelling blue murder?Copy !req
156. It's like that play we saw the other day,
what was it called?Copy !req
157. Macbeth, sir.Copy !req
158. Hot potato, off his drawers,
pluck to make amends. Ow!Copy !req
159. - No, no, it was called Julius Caesar.
- Ah yes, of course, Julius Caesar.Copy !req
160. Not Macbeth.Copy !req
161. Hot potato, off his drawers,
pluck to make amends. Ow!Copy !req
162. - Are you sure you want these people to stay?
- I asked them, didn't I, Mr Thicky Butler.Copy !req
163. Your Royal Highness, may I say
what a great honour it is to be invited?Copy !req
164. - Why certainly.
- Thank you.Copy !req
165. What a great honour
it is to be invited hereCopy !req
166. to make merry, in the halls
of our King's loins' most glorious outpouring.Copy !req
167. Ugh!Copy !req
168. Now, Your Highness,
shall we begin straight away?Copy !req
169. - Now, I've got this...
- Before we inspect the script,Copy !req
170. let us have a look at stance.Copy !req
171. The ordinary fellow stands like,
well, as you do now.Copy !req
172. Whereas your hero... stands thus.Copy !req
173. Right, sort of like this...Copy !req
174. Excellent, Your Highness. Even more so...Copy !req
175. Like that?Copy !req
176. - What was that noise?
- It wasn't me.Copy !req
177. We are used to standing in this position.Copy !req
178. It came from over here.Copy !req
179. - Anarchist!
- Cleaner!Copy !req
180. So you've had a wash, that's no excuse!Copy !req
181. - That is Baldrick spring cleaning.
- But look, he's got a bomb!Copy !req
182. It's not a bomb, sir, it's a sponge.Copy !req
183. So it is.
Get it out of here at once before it explodes.Copy !req
184. Now, stance. I'm sorry about that.
I think we really had something there.Copy !req
185. Yes, Your Highness. Your very posture
tells me "Here is a man of true greatness".Copy !req
186. Either that, or
"Here are my genitals, please kick them".Copy !req
187. Sir, I really must ask that this ill-educated oaf
be removed from the room.Copy !req
188. Get out! Your presence here is as useful as fine
bone china at a tea-party for drunken elephants.Copy !req
189. Is that right? Well, yes, get out Blackadder,
and stop corking our juices.Copy !req
190. Certainly, Your Highness.
I'll leave you to dribble in private.Copy !req
191. - Something wrong, Mr B?
- I've had it up to here with that Prince.Copy !req
192. - One more insult, and I'll hand in my notice.
- Does that mean I'll be butler?Copy !req
193. Not unless some kindly surgeon cuts your head
open with a spade and sticks a new brain in it.Copy !req
194. I don't know why I put up with it.
Every year at the Guild of Butlers' Christmas PartyCopy !req
195. I have to wear the red nose for winning the
"Who's got the stupidest master" competition.Copy !req
196. All I can say is, he'd better watch out!Copy !req
197. One more foot wrong and the contract between us
will be as broken as this milk-jug.Copy !req
198. - But that milk-jug isn't broken.
- You really do walk into these things.Copy !req
199. Excellent. And now, sir, at last, the speech.Copy !req
200. Right.Copy !req
201. No, Your Royal Highness.
What have you forgotten?Copy !req
202. If I stand any more heroically than this,Copy !req
203. I'm in danger of
seriously disappointing my future Queen.Copy !req
204. No, Your Highness,
not the stance, the "roar".Copy !req
205. - You want me to roar?
- Of course we wish you to roar.Copy !req
206. All great orators roar before commencing
their speeches. It is the way of things.Copy !req
207. Mr Keanrick, from your Hamlet, please.Copy !req
208. Ooooooo, to be or not to be.Copy !req
209. From your Julius Caesar.Copy !req
210. Ooooooo, friends, Romans, countrymen...Copy !req
211. From your leading character,
in a play connected with Scotland.Copy !req
212. That's Macbeth, isn't it?Copy !req
213. Hot potato, off his drawers,
pluck to make amends. Ow!Copy !req
214. Let's all roar together, shall we?
One, two, three...Copy !req
215. Oooooooo!Copy !req
216. Excellent, Your Highness.
Now, shall we try putting it all together?Copy !req
217. Rooooaaarr! Unaccustomed as I am...Copy !req
218. No, no, no.Copy !req
219. Alas, I fear you mew it like a frightened tree.Copy !req
220. May I see the speech?Copy !req
221. Who wrote this drivel?Copy !req
222. Is there a problem with the speech?Copy !req
223. Well, yes, there is a problem, actually.
The problem is that you wrote it,Copy !req
224. Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly-
Can't-Write-For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed!Copy !req
225. Whoops!Copy !req
226. Shall I get their supper, sir?Copy !req
227. Yes, preferably something that has first passed
through the digestive system of the cat.Copy !req
228. - And you'll have to take it up yourself.
- Why?Copy !req
229. Because I'm leaving, Baldrick.
I'm about to enter the job market.Copy !req
230. Right, let's see. Situations vacant:Copy !req
231. Mr and Mrs Pitt are looking for a baby-minder
to take Pitt the Younger to Parliament.Copy !req
232. Some fellow called George Stevenson
has invented a moving kettle,Copy !req
233. wants someone to help with the marketing.
Oh, there's a foreign opportunity here.Copy !req
234. Treacherous, malicious,
unprincipled cad, preferably non-smoker,Copy !req
235. wanted to be King of Sardinia.
No time wasters, please.Copy !req
236. Apply to: Napoleon Bonaparte, PO Box 1, Paris.
Right! We're on our way!Copy !req
237. Oh, sir, about costume... Any thoughts?Copy !req
238. Well, enormous trousers, certainly,Copy !req
239. and perhaps an Admiral's uniform, because
we know what all the nice girls love, don't we?Copy !req
240. I'll tell you what,
why don't I go and try them on for you?Copy !req
241. Help yourselves to wine. You'll need a stiff drink
when you see the size of these damn trousers.Copy !req
242. - Oh, my dear, what a ghastly evening!
- You're so right, love.Copy !req
243. Look, while he's gone,
why don't we have a quick read-through ofCopy !req
244. "The Murder of Prince Romero
and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife"?Copy !req
245. Act 1, Scene 1?Copy !req
246. "Spring has come, with all its gentle showers.
Methinks it's time to hack the Prince to death."Copy !req
247. Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will
miss your honest and friendly companionship.Copy !req
248. Ah, thank you, Mr B.Copy !req
249. But as we both know, it'd be an utter lie.Copy !req
250. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply,
"Sod off", and if I ever meet you again,Copy !req
251. it'll be twenty billion years too soon.Copy !req
252. Goodbye,
you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard.Copy !req
253. I fear, Baldrick, that you will soon be eating
those badly chosen words.Copy !req
254. I wouldn't bet you a single groat that you
could survive five minutes here without me.Copy !req
255. Come on, Mr B, it's not as though we're gonna get
murdered or anything the minute you leave, is it?Copy !req
256. Hope springs eternal, Baldrick.Copy !req
257. Coming!Copy !req
258. - Let's kill the Prince.
- Who shall strike first?Copy !req
259. Let me, and let this dagger's point
prick out his soft eyeballCopy !req
260. and sup with glee upon its exquisite jelly.Copy !req
261. Have you the stomach?Copy !req
262. I have not killed him yet, sir, but when I do,Copy !req
263. I shall have the stomach and the liver, too,Copy !req
264. and the floppily-doppilies in their horrid glue.Copy !req
265. What if a servant should hear us in our plotting?Copy !req
266. Then shall we have servant sausages for tea.Copy !req
267. And servant rissoles shall our supper be.Copy !req
268. Murder! Murder! The Revolution's started!Copy !req
269. - What?!
- A plot, a plot to kill you!Copy !req
270. Ah, so you've come clean at last, have you,
you bloody little poor person.Copy !req
271. Not me - the actors downstairs,
they're anarchists!Copy !req
272. I heard them plotting. They're gonna
poke out your liver, turn me into rissole,Copy !req
273. and then suck on your
exquisite floppily-doppilies.Copy !req
274. - What are we going to do?
- Mr Blackadder says,Copy !req
275. "when the going gets tough,
the tough hide under the table".Copy !req
276. - Blackadder, of course! Where is he?
- He's in Sardinia.Copy !req
277. - What? Why?
- You were rude to him, so he left.Copy !req
278. Oh no! What a mad, blundering, incredibly
handsome young nincompoop I've been.Copy !req
279. What are we to do? If we go downstairs,
they'll chop us up and eat us alive.Copy !req
280. We're doomed, doomed!Copy !req
281. Good evening, Your Highness.Copy !req
282. Four minutes and 22 seconds, Baldrick.
You owe me a groat.Copy !req
283. Thank God you're here!
We desperately need you!Copy !req
284. Who, me, sir?
Mr Thicky-Black-Thicky-Adder-Thicky?Copy !req
285. Oh tish!Copy !req
286. Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly-
Can't-Write-For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed?Copy !req
287. Yes, well...Copy !req
288. Mr Brilliantly-Undervalued-Butler
who hasn't had a raise in a fortnight?Copy !req
289. Take an extra thousand...Copy !req
290. ...guineas per month?Copy !req
291. All right. What's your problem?Copy !req
292. The actors have turned out to be
vicious anarchists! They intend to kill us all!Copy !req
293. - What, are they going to bore us to death?
- No, stab us! Baldrick overheard them.Copy !req
294. - Are you sure they meant it, sir?
- Quite sure.Copy !req
295. - How far apart were their legs?
- This far.Copy !req
296. - And their nipples?
- That far.Copy !req
297. - They meant it, all right.
- All right, sir, I'll see what I can do.Copy !req
298. To torture him, I lust.Copy !req
299. Let's singe his hair,
and up his nostrils...Copy !req
300. ...hot bananas thrust.Copy !req
301. - Rehearsals going well, gentlemen?
- Begone!Copy !req
302. A mere butler with the intellectual capacity
of a squashed apricot can be of no use to us.Copy !req
303. Indeed yes, sir. Your participation is as irritating
as a potted cactus in a monkey's pyjamas.Copy !req
304. Well, in that case,
I won't interrupt you any longer.Copy !req
305. Sorry to disturb, gentlemen.Copy !req
306. Blackadder, thank God you're safe!
Well, what happened?Copy !req
307. Sir, there was no need to panic.
It was all perfectly straightforward.Copy !req
308. They're traitors, sir. They must be arrested,
brutally tortured and executed forthwith.Copy !req
309. Bravo!Copy !req
310. But Your Highness,
there's been a terrible mistake.Copy !req
311. That's what they were bound to say, sir.Copy !req
312. It was a play, sir, a play! Look, all the words
you heard were written down on that page.Copy !req
313. Text book stuff again, you see. The criminals'
vanity always makes them make one tiny mistake.Copy !req
314. Theirs was to have their entire conspiracy
printed and published in plain manuscript.Copy !req
315. - Take them away!
- Mercy, we beg for mercy!Copy !req
316. I have got only one thing to say to you... Macbeth!Copy !req
317. Hot potato, off his drawers,
pluck to make amends.Copy !req
318. Well done, Bladder! How can I ever thank you?Copy !req
319. You can start by not calling me "Bladder", sir.
Macbeth!Copy !req
320. Of course, Bladder. No sooner said than done.
No hard feelings?Copy !req
321. No, sir. It's good to be back in the saddle.
Did I say saddle? I meant harness.Copy !req
322. Bravo! So we're the best of friends
as ever we were. Hurrah!Copy !req
323. In fact, now that the evil Mossop and Keanrick
have got their comeuppance,Copy !req
324. the Drury Lane Theatre is free. I thought we might
celebrate by staging a little play that I've written.Copy !req
325. Excellent idea! And with my new-found acting
skills, might there be a part in it for me?Copy !req
326. I was hoping that you might play the title role.Copy !req
327. What a roaringly good idea!
What's the play called?Copy !req
328. "Thick Jack Clot Sits in the Stocks
and Gets Pelted with Rancid Tomatoes"Copy !req
329. Excellent!Copy !req